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Therapy is absolutely worth it imo. BUT and the big but is that you need to find the right kind of therapist. There are many, many different types of therapy out there. Personally? I felt like I wasted thousands on talking therapy in the beginning and I just kept rehashing and reliving the trauma with pretty much no progress.

The therapies that I got the most out of because of my trauma was 1. Havening - had the quickest most immediate response to this so therefore it ended up being the cheapest 2. Hypnotherapy - I got a lot out of this because while I logically knew a lot of truths but so much of it wasn't being accepted by my subconscious for some reason. Hypnotherapy sorted that 3. EMDR - also great.

Now I do talking therapy for current stuff going on in my life to get a sounding board and unbiased opinion. That was just me - but talking to 'fix' was the biggest waste of time and money for me - however, talking to maintain has been great. Ultimately you need to find your own therapeutic path. It's pretty frustrating because there isn't a one size fits all. Then on top of it, especially with talking therapists you need to have a connection. So you are constantly having to give the whole story over and over. I found the other therapies had a much better effect on me and allowed me to connect with a therapist much easier once I felt I was more in maintenance mode vs crisis mode.

Im not sure where you are but I feel like there are probably websites out there that review therapists.

Also: some really great books that helped me (and are much cheaper) are:

• Reinventing your life: The breakthrough program to end negative behaviour and feel great again This was the first book a therapist had me read and told me that she thought exploring other therapies (the ones above) would be of better benefit to me at the time being. She was right - this book really helped me understand the 'lifetraps' I was caught in.
  
• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma great for explaining all the different types of therapies out there that can better help you - especially in terms of CPTSD.
  
• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
  
• F**k It Therapy really was a good read to say fuck it and that I am in control of my own happiness - nobody else. No matter what they do.
  
  Good luck!

In my case when this has happened before it's because in previous trusting relationships (parents especially) when I overshared, it was used against me, to say that I couldn't trust my own opinions because I was too messed up. The fact that you're posting this here probably means that you know that quitting therapy isn't right for you, but you're really feeling the intensity of being vulnerable. That's normal, and it means that you're getting to the part that will be really healing if you can stick it out. Your future self deserves your current self's best efforts to sit with the intensity and stick it out. The fact that you're having this reaction means that you're strong enough to have survived some really tough stuff. You're strong enough for this too, and we've got your back.

I found this book to be helpful in collecting the tools for dealing with the intensity associated with processing this stuff. The short version is to take some time for self care, have a cup of hot tea, sit with the emotions you're feeling for a few minutes, and then pack them away for now. I know it'll sound silly writing it here, but in case it helps to have an example, my mental tool for packing away my emotions and overwhelming memories when I'm not working on them is a bookshelf in an orderly old fashioned study housed in suitcase like Newt Scamander's, that I store in a cave behind a waterfall guarded by a pet dragon. You get to pick your own tools that are useful for you, but that one helps me to feel like my traumatic past is safe while I'm going about my life but that I can access it and sort through the pieces and then pack them away when I'm not using them.

Good luck, and keep reaching out!

Thank you :)

If you do check out CBD Oils, the guy at the shop mentioned they like to start people out with water-soluble stuff as it gets into the system at a quicker rate. I'm sure you'll find helpful people on your side, but just in case maybe look for that or do a little extra reading.

Books...

• Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker This introduced two new trauma types into my vocab: Freeze & Fawn.
  
  
• #DEALwithIT by John A. King I'm partially through this and only pausing to dig into The Body Keeps Score. I totally dig the author's writing style and utter frankness in relating his experiences. The book also includes excerpts from his now-wife so it gives a great perspective from her position as well.
  
  
• The Body Keeps Score - already mentioned this one :)
  
  
• The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self by Alice Miller Haven't started this one just yet, but looks like a quick read.
  
  As far as mindfulness is concerned, I love the paid-app Buddhify - it has a variety of guided meditations for various situations and also includes options for non-guided. I do frequent mental scans of my body to make sure I'm not in what has been my default tense or armored state which I typically find I am - ugh. And then I've added mobility stretching with ROMwod. When I did crossfit that was something I was introduced to and now that I realize "relaxing into position" is actually a real thing, I love doing it.
  
  I don't want to overload another comment, but I'm totally happy to chat more or even offer myself as a reddit-support person if wanted. :)

>What can you do to calm this down?

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you can begin Inner Critic shrinking work, as per Pete Walker's CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving.

(PM if you are searching for a copy)

​

you can begin dissecting, deconstructing, and reprogramming yourself from the Consensus Trance lethal O.S. our family aculturated us into -because that was 'educating' for them too, also blind agents of the Consensus Trance- so that we did not have to think or feel but just resort to 'COMMON KNOWLEDGE' for inviariably every single thing that we have otherwise never thought of [properly] because we've never felt it, never experienced it,

because we, during the process we're told to call 'EDUCATION', are indoctrinated into 'believing' (without giving it a single thought of our own really) that what the majority believes/accepts/reflects to 'know' as per shown by their actions, is the right thing –that others know better than us simply because they were here before us or simply because they are more (in number), or more experienced (they are definitely NOT, and current state of society undisputably shows that), etc.

Search on this sub for the best reprogramming books and authors references on that -and all related so- topic.

In the last decade of my life I've been recommending these same books to friends and people actively working on reprogramming themselves; my go-to usually: Alan Watts, Jiddu Krishnamurti, or dig deep directly in Charles Tart's work (there are PLENTY others too).

​

They are long-term works,(never feels like 'work' to me!) but they're necessary if the inner critic is that powerful.

Please understand toxic inner criticism is a corrupt programm (in that it harms its 'host'), and PLEASE do understand that it does NOT come from you, it is not you, and above all understand that no matter what you 'think' right now about it, shutting up that self-shaming voice goes hand in hand with reprogramming yourself.

Along with Walker's practical self-therapy, there's a lot you can do there.

​

Last but not least, I am giving you this advice because it has been my own personal experience, in which my intuition led me to all these authors and ´viewpoints' again and again; within a couple years I was free from that conditioning, as free as I've gotten –if not completely, quite close to it.

​

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The Derek Scott videos get a huge huge vote from me! I recommend starting this playlist of several 20-minute-ish videos he made called IFS For Therapists.

Yes the name sounds sort of confusing, cause we're not therapists, but it's the best video description of IFS I have found.

Also Jay Earley is a therapist who champions the idea that IFS should be done on your own. He believes that 1) this will give many, many more people access to help and 2) the IFS process is simple and formulaic enough that pretty much anyone can do it without a professional. He wrote Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, A New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy which is specifically designed to do on your own.

For full disclosure, I haven't read the book yet, but I probably will if I ever hit a wall. Even my therapist agrees that she doesn't need to help me with IFS, though she supports me doing it and is always happy to hear about my findings.

Your life isn't pointless. Right now you may be at a low point, even the lowest point you have been in. I believe that struggling in some way, or being sad/depressed/angry/hurt/etc means that you care about something. Something feels like it's not right to you and you want it to be better. Even if it's a vague feeling, or you are struggling because you actually feel nothing at all, this says something. I'm not sure what you are going through since you didn't post many details (which is totally fine), but I wanted to let you know that there have been many times that I have struggled greatly. Due to my past trauma I've had terrible physical problems, emotional problems, dissociation, anxiety, depression, difficulty making and maintaining friendship and connection with others....and on and on. There were times when I was in so much pain (either mentally, emotionally or physically) that I couldn't get out of bed or even barely move for long periods of time. That is a very desperate feeling. I have felt utterly and completely alone in this world, as if I had nothing and no one, and that I would be broken forever.

One thing that really helps me is reading. It was a long journey for me to learn to recognize my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. There are still some areas where I can struggle with this, but I have made so, so much progress it's almost unbelievable to me when I think back to the person I once was. I couldn't identify my own emotions or thoughts, but when I read about scenarios and other peoples emotions/thoughts in certain situations, I could tell when it felt right. Like, "Yes! That is how I felt when _____ happened to me." A few books that really helped me are The Body Keeps Score, and Running On Empty. Other resources that have helped me immensely are hypnosis (one in particular was Michael Mahoney's IBS Audio Program 100 (this cured the IBS I had had for ~25 years, since I was a child)), and Annie Hopper's Dynamic Neural Retraining System. The very first book that I read that gave me hope that I could change my life was The Brain that Changes Itself. I read that book 9 years ago and it set me on a path of real change. It gave me inspiration and hope and the belief that I could really change and improve my life. If you want any other book recommendations let me know, I've read a lot of books and I have even more favorites that have helped me.

There are still areas of my life that I am working to improve, but I am nowhere near the person I was before I started reading and learning. Working through this stuff, and figuring out how to even do it, are very challenging and difficult tasks. But it is so, so worth it. I wish I could really show you and explain to you the profound changes we can make as people. Every epiphany I've had about myself and my life has been amazing and life changing. To me it almost feels like the essence of what it means to be human. I'm not sure if people who don't go through trauma get the chance to experience such profound epiphanies, realization, and change. Maybe I'm just rambling now, but I want you to know that there is hope. You may not have it, but I have it for both of us right now. Read. See a therapist. Learn. Practice. Journal. Seek support. Seek out ways to make a change. It doesn't have to be profound or monumental. Go at your own pace, just be sure that you are going.

I'm a psychology major (on top of dealing with my own trauma issues) and I mostly became interested in body-oriented work through some practice-oriented classes I had on "focusing". It's a technique developed by Gendlin. Focusing is something you do with two people. One person is focusing, and the other guides the experience. While focusing, you pay attention to your body and zoom in on what's grabbing your attention the most. Then you focus on this experience and find a way of expressing this feeling (like in an image or something, not in "rationalized thoughts"). You can read a bit more about it here. You can also focus on a specific emotional topic. I recently finally made the decision to take a 2-day course which now allows me to focus on my own, with a partner who also took the course. You don't need to have a psychology degree to be able to do a focusing course and find a focusing partner, although when you're going to focus on something trauma-related I would suggest to try it out with a licensed therapist (at least the first few times), in case you would get triggered.

After having this experience with "focusing" during my own studies, and having some problems with CBT, I explicitly looked for a therapist stating that she did body-oriented work. I think the method that my therapist uses is developed by Albert Pesso. I hadn't heard of it before I met her, but a quick google scearch brings me to this website. I'm now also starting emdr with my therapist. They're not really sure how emdr really works, but I think that they assume that on a neurological level it also engages the body while thinking about the trauma.

The body keeps the score should also be a good book about the effects of trauma on the body, although I haven't read it myself.

I generally feel that a lot of different therapeutical views agree on the importance of the body on a theoretical level. However, apart from focusing, emdr and the method my therapist uses, I haven't found any therapies that use the body-oriented work in relation to themes you really struggle with. CBT has mindfulness for example, but -in my opinion- they don't really use it on specific themes. It's more like "be aware of your body and accept it", while with focusing and the method by Pesso, you're looking into how your body feels when thinking about something specific and what might "help" you in that situation. Although, I do believe that mindfulness has some merits. I use an app, Youper, who has mindfulness (and CBT exercises) in it. There's one exercise that I like where you try to create a sense of gratitude and pay attention to how that feels in your body. You van also track your daily emotions, and even trauma-related symptoms with Youper.

I'm finishing a PhD on how we process emotions, and the role of paying attention to the body... So from a theoretical point of view I could keep on discussing this :-) But I think these resources will probably be the most interesting if you're looking for something you can apply.

Edit: sorry for the long post. I just get excited when I can talk about this

Helluva story. (I thought mine was rugged, but...) IWE, there's a tremendous amount of really useful literature around codependency and the ACA deal you can get into that will advance your journey with Al Anon like a supercharger.

Here are some examples:

CoDA's "big blue book"

ACA's "big red book"

Melody Beattie's four or five on codependency including the excellent Language of Letting Go (very good starting points, btw)

Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence

Anne Wilson Schaef's Co-Dependence: Misunderstood, Mistreated

Barry & Janae Weinhold's Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap

Jiddu Krishnamurti's On Relationships (utterly effing superior)

John Bradshaw's Bradshaw on The Family and Family Secrets

Susan Forward's Emotional Blackmail along with this brief article on dealing with manipulative relationships

Patricia Evans's Controlling People

George Simon's In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People

Patrick Carnes's The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

Naomi Feil's The Validation Breakthrough (great for dealing with narcissistic &/or elderly parents)

ACA's Adult Children of Alcoholics: Alcoholic / Dysfunctional Families

The Friels's Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Families

Janet Gerringer Woititz's Adult Children of Alcoholics and Life Skills for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Rapson & English's Anxious to Please: 7 Revolutionary Practices for the Chronically Nice

Madeleine Tobias & Janja Lalich's Captive Hearts Captive Minds: Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships

Alan Watts's The Wisdom on Insecurity

Nathaniel Branden's The Disowned Self

I've read all of them and feel comfortable recommending them to anyone with a background like ours.

Sure. EMDR is a PTSD treatment. It works by providing alternating stimulation to both sides of the brain, either through alternating eye movement or a buzzing stimulation through your hands, while you revisit a traumatic memory. Why it works is still a bit of a mystery but for me it has the double effect of 1. dimming the intensity of the traumatic memory while you work on it, and 2. opening up the non-rational parts of your brain to process through the trauma.

Part of my CPTSD is that I am too left brained and don't have much connection with my emotions or body. EMDR allows me to connect with those parts of my brain so I can work with the trauma that is 'stuck' in the places that I normally cannot access.

IFS stands for internal family systems or 'parts' therapy. People with CPTSD typically have a less solidifed ego that is split into more disparate parts that play overdeveloped protector roles. IFS works with these individual parts to help identify them and change their roles to improve behaviors and outcomes.

Here is a typical IFS session. If that interests you, I strongly recommend the Self Therapy book to look into doing IFS work at home. It's pretty straightforward and can be really powerful.

I personally like the combination of EMDR and IFS. I feel like EMDR heals the trauma and IFS is good for rebuilding your ego/identity once that trauma is lessened. They work hand in hand.

I actually just mentioned it in my reply to this thread here. Gendlin's work is highly influential in the world of psychotherapy, in particular what is called "experiential therapy" (therapy that focuses on creating healing experiences, rather than focusing on just working with thoughts). Gendlin's influence is cited by van der Kolk in The Body Keeps the Score, Peter Levine, Ron Kurtz, Diana Fosha (the founder of AEDP, the form of therapy that helped me), and a bunch of other trauma-oriented therapists. I'm not sre if Pete Walker mentions his work, but he's definitely been influenced by people who are familiar with Gendlin.

Focusing itself is not a form of therapy, but it's a process that all good therapy should facilitate: tuning in to your body and putting words to the experience in order to learn what is there. Just doing this simple thing can give you what Gendlin called a "felt shift." I would describe a felt shift as a tiny instance of healing. So many felt shifts, over time, add up to eventual healing. If you've experienced some form of healing in your journey, you've probably already experienced a felt shift, in fact. Many people do focusing without even realizing. Gendlin only put a name to what he observed successful therapy patients already doing.

Gendlin's original book on the topic is a good one, but a lot of people do find it vague and abstract. I still think it's worth reading, just to get it from the horse's mouth. It's cheap and a short book. But, I do think Ann Weiser Cornell's The Power of focusing is probably the most user-friendly and practical guide.

There's def a real, very real you deep down inside there. I am shutdown too and this book about personality patterns was the first place I ever saw my own shutdown in print or described in words. https://www.amazon.com/Personality-Patterns-Understanding-Developing-Emotional/dp/0996343903. I've had a good trauma therapist who does somatic experiencing for a year or so and progress is slow but I'll take it. Next week, I start neurofeedback and I'M SO EXCITED, it seems to hold real promise. Fisher's book, Neurofeedback in the Treatment of Developmental Trauma & The Body Keeps the Score outline it's use and it seems to have AMAZING possibilities. Our brains are very plastic.

Keep yourself hydrated with water, give your body rest and sleep, don't do more social things that you want to and if you can, give yourself compassion. I'm so sorry you are dealing with CPTSD, it's very, very hard. There truly is a genuine you underneath all the shutdown.

Yeah, sounds like you have very strong parts. You may want to check out the /r/Dissociation subreddit, as there are many folks there (though it's not super busy) who deal with different 'alters'. The IFS recommendation in the comments is also a good one. It's Internal Family Systems, and there are a number of books about it and a handy workbook that goes along with Jay's book (https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy-ebook/dp/B00452V8EG)

Definitely bring this up with your therapist. I think it's cool that these parts of you see you as ready, that's great.

Medications can definitely help, but sometimes when it comes to trauma and CPTSD, I feel like they are only "bandaids" that can assist us with coping with the symptoms - but they won't treat the cause.

Self-education and reflection through reading Pete Walkers CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (his website's articles are awesome, too), and Beverly Engel's It Wasn't Your Fault were a huge assistance to my recovery starting out.

The other recommendation I would have are support groups and therapy. I understand how difficult it can be to find/access/afford a trauma-informed therapist, but I found a lot of support and assistance in codependency support groups (CODA.org) and Adult Children of
Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families.

Boy, do I recognize some things on that list. Have you ever heard of Feldenkrais? Hang on because here comes my giant post about it!

Feldenkrais is kinda hard to describe to someone who hasn't done it. It isn't really "exercise", it's sort of the folk science of neuroplasticity. If you take a Feldenkrais ATM (Awareness Through Movement) class, the practitioner/teacher will lead you through a series of typically very small movements that you repeat over and over with small variations and rests in between, with the intent to keep your attention really fresh. You can also do a variant that you do on-on-one with the practitioner that can be useful if you have something specific you're trying to find ease about. (Individual work, called Functional Integration, does typically involve touch, for people who are uncomfortable with that.)

If you want to try it out without a class, I can recommend the materials by Ryan Nagy on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Feldenkrais-Classics-1-Ryan-Nagy/dp/B0094B98BS.

My Feldenkrais teacher also recommends audios by Eileen Bach-Y-Rita: http://feldenkraisathome.com/store/?cat=19 (I haven't tried these yet, but my teacher's recommendations have always been very good. These are more spendy.)

You can also try these free recordings: http://openatm.org/ (These are recorded during classes and are of varying audio quality.)

I've had really good experiences with Feldenkrais. It was the beginning of being able to unlock my body even a little bit. It's a totally different modality than everything else (including yoga) I had ever tried. For me, other modes of movement really triggered my feelings of "I have to be perfect"/"I have to rigidly control my body". So in yoga, I would TRY VERY HARD TO RELAX but I found that any tension release I attained never lasted. In Feldenkrais, they often say "Be willing to do it badly". There is no "perfect", there is only the way your body is doing it, right now.

I had quite bad TMJ before I started Feldenkrais and it is mostly gone now, same with a recurring lower back issue. I still have a lot of tension on the right side of my body where I took the brunt of a fall many years ago, but it is less than it was. It also really helped me understand that I had a habit of holding myself completely still, and learning how to gently move my body while sitting or standing. (I don't know, that might sound ridiculous, but I think... I am in the process of re-learning how to have a body at all. Feldenkrais has been not been the lone solution and pretty much all of my issues are still with me one way or another, but has been very valuable for me.)

I'm so sorry you endured that :( your family let you down immensely. you're not alone with that kind of trauma though. I was sexually abused during the same ages as you.


you should definitely see a therapist- get one that says they're explicitly "trauma-informed" . A big part of CPTSD is feeling like you're unworthy of care. But you need a pro to help you because this is diffficult. You can become your best self for your family and I think your husband would agree that's not a waste or an inconvenience. :)

Another thing is to start accepting that your dad will never understand or change or admit he did wrong. You know him the best obviously so maybe I'm wrong, but if he's like other malignant narcissists, you'll just keep hurting yourself if you try to get validation from him. its more helpful to focus on processing feelings and fixing unhealthy behaviors than on trying to get an abuser to repent or acknowledge what they did. not gonna happen.

💚💚💚💚

also here's a big book on recovering from childhood sexual abuse for women that's helped me a lot.

This is strange, I've just watched a webinar on treating trauma that mentioned this exact question. The webinar is a series of modules that are designed to help practitioners better treat their clients when it comes to trauma. I'm not a practitioner but I find the information in the modules very enlightening and in addition to regularly seeing my therapist it's helped me understand trauma more, just in general.

One of the questions that was posed in today's module (which I believe is being broadcast again thursday, that link will take you to a page where you can do some maneuvering to find the times) was how to tell whether clients have ptsd or bpd. Many of the symptoms are the same, but one practitioner said that there's a tell. It has to do with sleep. Someone with BPD in a manic state has a lot of energy and won't need to sleep as much. They won't feel tired despite their lack of sleep (or just needing 2 hours of sleep). But someone suffering from trauma, who gets very little sleep or has disruptive sleep, doesn't feel rested. They feel more lethargic.

Like I said, I'm not a practitioner. I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone with anything. I'm simply parroting back what I saw in that webinar. If you think you might have ptsd, I'd like to recommend a book that my therapist recommended to me when I first started seeing her; The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Like the webinar, it's helped me understand the nature of trauma and it gives wonderful ideas to jump start the healing process.

I'm sorry you've struggled for so long. I wish you the best of luck in recovering from your troubles. Know that you have support from an internet stranger <3

Sounds like anxious attachment. I have this as well. Here’s a link to an excellent book that might help you understand yourself better and hopefully learn how to form secure attachment style: https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

Hey, it’s fucking bullshit that cost is a factor when we’re facing a life-threatening injury. It’s bullshit that you have to figure out how to do this on your own. However, I know that you can do this. You’re already doing it — asking for help is the first step. Allow me to believe this for you until you can believe it yourself.

I have had unearned privilege that granted me immoral access to resources, some quite expensive or even elite, and I’ve worked my ass off, and I am living a meaningful life worth living.

However, I hope you find it encouraging that I made the most progress in reparenting myself using books that you might even be able to get at the library.

Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving — Pete Walker

Codependent No More — Melody Beattie

Codependent No More WORKBOOK — Melody Beattie

Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody

Breaking Free WORKBOOK - Pia Mellody

Codependent behaviors and motivations overlap significantly with CPTSD, and codependency can be at the root of all kinds of trauma responses (freeze, fawn, fight, flight). So, strategies developed for codependence often include an element of reparenting, inner child work, etc.

I found going to co dependents anonymous meetings to be another cost-effective resource. (Usually suggested donation of $2, only if you have it.) Being around other people openly struggling towards healthy and loving relationships with themselves helped mitigate the shame I felt.

One important step in the process that I think it’s easy to skip over is giving thought about what kind of parent you are using to parent yourself? What are their qualities? Things like ‘patient, quiet, attentive, sober’ might come up.

Then, when you’re in need of reparenting,
You can ask yourself ‘how would a parent with the qualities I chose respond to me right now?’

It’s important that you’re activating your imagination in the reparenting process — try not to think of your ideal parent as the opposite of your actual parent. You’re trying to open up the brain to accepting a new idea — putting a splint on the trauma injury — so it’s not helpful to remind it of past patterns when you’re trying to write new ones.

I hope that made sense! Feel free to ask clarifying questions.

Hi there! I was kinda where you are now, on the diagnosis part of the journey, last year. Thought it would be just PTSD. I remember being super freaked out by it, like, deeply unsettled, for quite a while. I couldn't stop thinking about the diagnosis (DID), what it meant about my past, and also my future, my relationships, my life. I'm sorry you're going through that now too. If it in any way helps, I'm okay. My marriage is good, career is great. My day to day amnesia is nowhere near as bad as it was in the past. My overall mental health continues to get better the longer I work on it. You are not incurable: the fact that you have a diagnosis is a HUGE first step towards recovery.

I won't lie to you and say it's easy. It's hard, especially at first. I recommend this book for noobs :) The "look inside" feature will give you access to the first 4 chapters, which includes understanding dissociation, the symptoms of each dissociative disorder, what dissociative parts really are (not the weird shit you see on youtube), and what having DID can do to complicate, mask and/or amplify PTSD symptoms.

Chapters include exercises like the one you already described doing with your therapist, as well as some homework exercises and thinks for you to think about. You don't have to rush into ANY of that. Maybe just check out the symptoms of the condition and think about how it maps to your own experiences.

Your therapist described the diagnostic bit pretty well: it's a scale, and the more severe your symptoms/the more criteria you meet, the further along it you go. If you have OSDD, it's assumed you may experience all of the symptoms of the others, so you only need the "last in line" diagnosis. (These are totes not the medical terms for this, sorry).

What are you most worried about? Is there anything I could share about my experience that might help?

Edit: and practice your safe place thing, it might not feel like much now, but it works if you stick with it

Sure! Right now I like these Yoga With Adriene videos: Gentle Yoga, and Yoga for Loneliness (I like that this one is low to the ground and pretty much all done on your back). I also like these Somatic Exercises for neck and shoulders.

The book I like best for explaining dissociation is Sensorimotor Psychotherapy by Pat Ogden/ Janina Fisher. The book is huge and a little pricey, but that's because the format is supposed to be like a workbook for client and therapist. You don't have to go through the exercises (I don't) but my therapist utilizes a lot of sensorimotor psychotherapy ideas and techniques in our work and I bought the book because there's just so much great information in there about dissociation and how trauma gets stored in the body. There's also a workbook that I recently bought that's pretty good so far: Coping With Trauma Related Dissociation.

Not sure if this is the slant you’re looking for but it touches on many different aspects.....Ive found The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk very helpful.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, one of the world’s foremost experts on trauma, has spent over three decades working with survivors. He uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity. Based on Dr. van der Kolk’s own research and that of other leading specialists....
The Body Keeps Score

Have you done any Dialectical Behavior Therapy? In DBT they teach a skill called “distress tolerance”, which is, in a nutshell, the ability to experience painful (distressing) emotions without being overcome by them, just like you describe. Trauma kind of wrecks our distress tolerance, but DBT does an excellent job of restoring it. It gives you the seatbelt that everyone else seems to have.

Personally I like this book for a broad introduction into learning DBT skills like distress tolerance and mindfulness, and then you can branch off into more specific DBT books after you read this one and you’ll have a good framework of understanding to take with you: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook

My fav: depression cure https://smile.amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without-ebook/dp/B0097DHV94/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=depression+cure&qid=1558801344&s=gateway&sr=8-3

​

see also a "mental exercise" for depression https://www.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/bsjo1c/nice_blog_post_on_a_mental_exercise_to_help_with/

​

And this one is popular as well: Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

There are some more books on amazon as well, search for depression, some highly rated.

Good luck and best wishes!

I think it's entirely possible to outgrow a psychologist. Over the years, switching psychologists based on where I am at the moment has been a useful tactic.

I've also had some bad experiences with "best in field" types of mental health providers. I personally find that the best mental health providers out there aren't seeking accolades and awards and attention. That's the shit that tends to attract more narcissistic personality types which tends to be counter-productive to trauma recovery IMO.

Regarding worksheets, I don't know of any for DID but have you worked your way through the CPTSD workbook yet?

There are also some good DBT workbooks out there that I think are applicable to most of us as well.

Get Pete Walker's book [Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1492871842/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_twi_pap_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1496841831&sr=8-1&keywords=pete+walker+complex+ptsd). If you have Kindle Unlimited, it's free.

 

See if she's open to support groups- they are either free or ask for a nominal donation. I attend ASCA (Adult Survivors of Child Abuse) and I plan on going to Emotions Anonymous soon.

 

If you live in or near a city see if there are any Trauma informed yoga sessions. I have one near me that offers "scholarships" if finances are an issue.

 

I'll add if I think of anything else. Good luck!

 
*Podcasts. There are podcasts out there that have to do with trauma healing, just Google "Complex PTSD podcast". There's one podcast I listen to- it's not specifically for CPTSD- "Mental Illness Happy Hour". It's hosted by a comedian who suffers from depression. He interviews guests who have ALL SORTS of problems, struggles, issues. He'll also interview therapists. I love it. I find it fascinating, comforting and informative.

There are a couple of really helpful books out there that I can link you when I'm home and not on mobile.

One thing that I think is helpful is to pay attention to parts in the moment when they are activated and you notice their presence. You can take a moment to notice them, internally say hello, and ask them what their role or job is.

Another way to find them is to think of a situation that activates a lot of parts, called a trailhead, and then think about what parts you've noticed tend to show up during that sort of situation.

Remember in IFS you learn about parts by communicating with them, not by intellectualizing about them. So always be sure to be asking the part directly. There are lots of good questions you can ask to learn more about your parts.

Edit: I'm reading Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS and using Self-Therapy Workbook: An Exercise Book For The IFS Process. If you get the digital editions of both, it's under $20 for the pair. I've found them really helpful for filling in between therapy sessions and preparing for therapy.

Before I had access to EMDR therapy, I did some work with the book Self-Therapy by Jay Earley. It uses the Family Systems Therapy approach, and I found it really helpful. It's somewhat difficult to do, and I didn't get through the whole book, but I was really motivated and desperate and couldn't get into therapy, I think the book and the IFS approach is really revolutionary. It involves being curious and compassionate towards our damaged parts, and I really responded to it. Good luck.

Specifically for the freeze reponse, I would recommend looking into the polyvagal theory.

Good books to look at is the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk (I would start there), Tribe by Sebastian Junger and the Body Never Lies by Alice Miller

https://crazywisefilm.com/ - This isnt about PTSD specifically but more broadly about mental health. Very powerful and informative watch.

https://somethingtosayafterabusecom.com/ - good resource for healing from narcissistic abuse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P_Gj6Z9_LM- Gabor Mate is a great person to look into. He has several talks and books that on trauma that have really helped things click for me.

madinamerica.com is a website that has a lot of great resources. It can seem "out there" but it offers unique lens to understand trauma and mental health.

MAPS might be running a trial near you.

Holotropic breathwork can be a low cost and effective healing modality.

Hey there. I'm glad things are finally making sense for you. Here is a workbook I've been going through. You might consider getting it. It talks about all the types of therapies available and even gives you a little taste of them. Best of luck to you on your journey. If you have any questions feel free to ask me or PM me.

My SO has a lot of female friends and I tend to have male friends. It can be a touchy thing in a relationship.

It really depends on the friends and how your partner treats them and you. My SO has done jerky things sometimes and we talked about it, and after feeling like I was 'the problem' for so long and invalidating myself for many years, I learned I have the right to not be treated that way.

I also think there's a ridiculous double standard, if I were to behave like my exes or current partner behaved, I would be roasted.

It's important to know and understand the root of your jealousy. And instead of putting yourself down, pay attention to what's going on.

Think about exactly why you are insecure about your weight? What does it mean you have a 'witchy' face? To some that might be mysterious and enchanting, so why is this bad? Are there specific women friends of his that make you feel more insecure? What does needing reassurance mean to you? Because we all need reassurance and feedback, a lot of it happens without our being aware of it.

I recommend reading the book Attached, it helped me a lot. https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

hi! this week is a parent's birthday as well as the first anniversary of the day i found out about my significant other's infidelity. we are still together, but i know it's going to be a rough week.

i'm doing okay right now, though. trying to be aggressively gentle with myself as i have had a roaring fire of an inner critic lately. i have plans to see my sibling tomorrow, with whom i am creating a really lovely relationship and environent of healing. also, i've been reading a book about CPTSD that has given me a constructive place to start in therapy on wednesday. the last few times i've had therapy i have felt super scattered, so i'm looking forward to talking to my therapist about a few things i've taken from the book so far.

as far as food: i have binge eating disorder. food and leaving the house to get food were sources of comfort and distraction. one of the only ways i "acted out" or had any sense of autonomy was walking or biking to rite aid, getting candy and mountain dew, and hiding the evidence. feeding myself now is a difficult thing -- i don't often cook a proper meal for myself. taking care of myself, as is common with CPTSD, is super difficult. i was left to fend for myself a lot, and as a result, cooking and cleaning up for myself is really loaded. either i go out and get something on which to binge, or i find it very difficult to eat at all, as if it takes too much effort to even microwave something. i have been really enjoying my breakfasts lately, since i started ordering dunkin online on the bus and grabbing it on the way to work. it takes a lot of pressure off of me and for whatever reason, all i want to eat right now is breakfast sandwiches. this weekend, i stayed home to watch bojack horseman and listen to the new national album, and all i did in between episodes of bojack was make breakfast sandwiches.

i'm so rambling. thanks y'all.

Hey bud, I know you said you're struggling without a support network right now, can you find some low/no cost meetups with people who enjoy doing what you do? There might even be one for emotionally traumatized people (https://www.meetup.com/San-Diego-Emotional-Trauma-and-PTSD/).

Like you said, arguing is a coping skill for you, to cover/deal with whatever particular blend of emotions you might be dealing with in the moment. I also tend to trigger my wife when I'm triggered, and it's been a huge learning curve for both of us to deal with each other and be able to be present enough to not instantly react to each other with our respective dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

I saw you mentioned Body Keeps the Score in the other thread that one's good. There's also CPTSD from Pete Walker. My personal favorite though is Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller. It seems to be the most systematic, step-by-step explanation I've been able to find of what's necessary for us to heal.

I posted a semi-review/explanation of Laurence Heller's theory of developmental trauma here.

Other poster mentioned
>This place has treasures but you've gotta find them

Totally agree with that. Be patient, read, and engage in discussion like what you're doing, what don't expect any miracles from the sub.

>Unfortunately in the unfair real world no one really cares for damaged obnoxious underdeveloped underprivileged peopleThat is society. I don't know how you haven't learnt this yet, perhaps you are privileged race and gender and otherwise, but this is soemthing that you just need to accept.

A very harsh truth. Perhaps you haven't been able to accept this because you haven't be able to accept and grieve your own losses yet. If you do have DTD, you've had many things taken from you, including childhood innocence. It's a rough place to be, but healing is possible; just very, very slowly. It's a 3 steps forward, 2 steps back situation.

(Note: This is only me sharing my experiences, the 2nd person is not meant to tell you how you feel.)

The mere fact he says that "you don't care" is the very reason you're afraid to say something in the first place. You've spent your life keeping things to yourself because your experience has always been it was safer to do so. In the past, if you said your truth, it would be dismissed and demeaned. You were attacked for having your own mind.

So your partner is now wanting you to share your truth, and honestly, you don't know how. You get that lump in your throat, that panicked child in your head saying things like, "If you just be quiet, maybe he'll go away." or "You just have to suffer through some of this."

Essentially, each time this scenario arises, it causes you to have an emotional flashback. You feel small, vulnerable, and terrified that any word that you speak will be met with an unequal and more threatening response. You shrink away from the very thought that your feelings or opinions matter to anyone. You can't contemplate having someone actually listen to you. Your immediate response to all of this is subconsciously to say "It doesn't matter what I say, you'll still be angry and it will be my fault for making you angry."

If you feel safe doing so, perhaps you can show him this post. It will show you do, in fact, care a great deal but do not currently have the tools to explain to him why you're unable to speak.

Something that helped my husband a great deal was having him read Pete Walker's book, CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Not only was he able to "get into the mind" of the disorder, but to also understand why I feel so locked down. The book, coincidentally, has been an incredible resource in my own recovery, not only for the authors insights, but also because I now know that I am not alone in this. There are, unfortunately, many of us out here and the one strength we have is to help each other.

Hey. I know your feeling exactly. In fact, Pete Walker talks about it in his book, that feeling when you realize after all the diagnoses you've been collecting that explain your problem except not really and you've found the actual fucking answer. It's a great feeling in a sea of not so great feelings.

The books in the sidebar are amazing reads.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Body-Keeps-Score-Healing/dp/0670785938

http://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/

The first book devotes almost fully the second half to treatments.

I personally burned out on shitty therapists before I had my own mind blown so I've not gotten professional help. However, I have see people in this subreddit rave about EMDR and Somatic experiencing.

Bessel Van Der Kolk says mindfulness is key but that there is no easy solution. So, mindfulness meditation, yoga, tai chi, things like this are a great idea to start doing right now.

I recommend to you:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0674411528/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

D Best of luck!

I recommend reading The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World.

First of all I would tell you you're not a bitch.

Then I would send you here: https://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00HJBMDXK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

And here: https://www.amazon.ca/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0143127748&pd_rd_r=7e90c6c3-cd8d-11e8-a739-33eb8bfc8d81&pd_rd_w=fvtUY&pd_rd_wg=5Jpj5&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=A3DWYIK6Y9EEQB&pf_rd_p=3fa2d334-7ab1-47df-a46b-3a607fd250e3&pf_rd_r=W87BC8E2G23BJCBYYWYJ&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=W87BC8E2G23BJCBYYWYJ

They're awesome. Really amazingly helpful.

That is a lot to handle. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I have complex PTSD from childhood abuse as well. I am glad you are starting therapy.

A book that has really helped me a lot is on CPTSD by Pete Walker.
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Good luck. I wish you well on your journey of healing.

I hear you, and I believe you. You have lived through an incredible amount of trauma, It sounds like you deal with a lot of pain. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience a moment of any of this. It’s not fair, and I’m no way it is your fault. It really sucks to hear you don’t have a supportive system around you. It’s hard not the feel crazy when you are surrounded by crazy. Please know that it does get better. There are a lot of good human beings in the world that will listen to you and hear your pain. You are not alone, though I know the feeling of your brain screaming at you that you are alone. I wish I had known this at 14, but the brain has a way of lying to you a lot of times. I dealt with manipulative parents growing up, and for years I never ever felt good enough. If I wasn’t perfect (which I’m incapable of being), I wasn’t enough. I’ve been reading a book called The Body Keeps the Score , and it’s really starting to explain why I’ve felt the way that I have, and how it has impacted my body physically. See if you can check it out from your local library or something.

Please take good care of yourself. You deserve to feel good about yourself.

Hi Pink, yes, most of us with C-PTSD have been burdened with plenty of mis-diagnoses before arriving here.
A couple of great books I highly recommend are:
From Surviving to Thriving
and [The Body Keeps the Score] (https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1483926427&sr=1-1&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score)

This is the basis of my own issues as well. A lack of safety, security and emotional attachment during childhood means I'm now solidly avoidant. I'm in my 40s now, estranged from my parents (which i don't mind at all) single and have no friends outside of work. All of it comes from my trauma in childhood including multiple deaths. I would recommend the usual books that you'll see posted here a lot:

The Body Keeps the Score

Attached The chapter describing avoidance is surprisingly accurate.

Complex PTSD

I've heard good things about this book. There used to be a free review copy of it available but it has expired. I'm going to take mine into the counselor and see if they'll help me get through it. Maybe you want to try too?

I found The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623158249/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_-ge0Db1GJN9KX helpful, but I don’t know if something geared specifically toward identity-related trauma would be more helpful (please, let me know if I am not describing it correctly). However, it appears to me that there is likely to be overlap, so it could be helpful in those areas.

geez! that's some negative self talk you have there. are you in therapy at all? if not, you should be! if you can't afford actual therapy try an online program like MoodGym, or self help books like this one maybe. also, as someone who is very introverted/reclusive, i totally get the inability to function in a (presumably open plan) office space. my advice is to change jobs. might take awhile to work it out, but it can be done- look for remote jobs on a (fee-based but worth it) site like Virtual Vocations. alternatively, propose that you work from home one day a week to start, doing video calls if you need to and generally kicking ass... until you can slowly transition to more days of the week or all of them remote (i work 100% remote, and can say that this is possible as well).

Probably, but man we can't diagnose you, sorry bro. I'd see a professional for a diagnosis if that's in your books, but otherwise, if the shoe fits, you know? I recommend this workbook highly. it's an often recommended workbook.

Check the article.

http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

The writer has a book called CPTSD: From Survival to Thriving which is your best starting point.

I haven't read it yet, but Attached might help

this is the book.
the book is extremely fluff-free. each sentence is important.

you might want to check out his website first, especially those CPTSD articles in the top left sidebar. they’re essentially condensed portions of the info you get from the book.

Please dont feel that way, that is your trauma talking. You are worthy of so much more than that. God/spirit/the universe put you here to learn and grow and through your pain will come such strength and light.

Please do whatever you can to try and heal the pain.

​

there is an amazing book i just finished called "The body keeps the score" by Bessel Van Der Kolk:

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&qid=1564307062&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

please try and read it. It is not an easy read, but as someone who has suffered trauma myself, it helped. Do whatever you can to be good to yourself, to heal. However long it takes, promise yourself you will try. Please reach out any time if you need to.

You are not alone,and worthy of SO much more than you believe.

Yeah .. if you are going to change this, you'll have to do it for yourself.

<3 ((hug)) <3

Have you read The Body Keeps the Score? If not, I think it might be time.

Also, do you have a therapist? If not, I think it is past time.

I recently started seeing a trauma specialist for help with the panic attacks and lingering anxiety symptoms. She taught me "mindful drinking" (which I know sounds hilarious). Take a sip of cold water. Notice the temperature. Hold it on top of your tongue for 5 seconds, then move under your tongue for 5 seconds. Notice how it feels in your mouth. Swallow. See if you notice anything different about the taste/temperature. Take another sip of water. This time hold for 5 seconds in one cheek, and 5 seconds in the other cheek. See if you notice anything different about the taste/temperature. This exercise brings my heart-rate down significantly. The therapist told me that your saliva actually adds alkalinity to the water, which decreases your body's stress response. Plus it gives you something physical to focus on.

Also, I know I usually start to worry about the symptoms of the flashbacks and that's what turns everything into an anxiety attack. Reassure yourself that you're just having an emotional flashback, that you've had them before, and you'll be okay. To be totally honest, I hug myself and rock myself gently. I think Pete Walker would see this as soothing my inner child. I have found his book very helpful, and also Dare by Barry McDonagh. His book claims to end anxiety and panic attacks. I haven't found that to be the case, but I have found some very helpful tips and techniques for dealing with them.

I picked up The Body Keeps the Score when I was done with Surviving to Thriving. It's more technical, so it may be what you're looking for. I found it extremely useful when he explains how different parts of the brain interact, and how imbalances of activity in stress response areas affect other functional areas.

It also doesn't get too clinical, due to frequent use of his personal anecdotes as illustrative case studies. It makes the technical parts very accessible.

> . I just feel like child, I’m lonely (despite the people), negative beliefs, lack of full self love, and hopelessness.

Have you looked into Internal Family Systems theory ? Sounds like you get overwhelmed by your fragmented parts. In case you haven't, give it a try.

Jay Earley's book is highly recommended. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_i_By0pDbVZG1B5K

And here's a recent post on the topic.
https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/comments/cjbw9u/parts/

If you're already in treatment. Psychoeducation seems to be the only thing you can do. Learn, gain awareness and tackle your issues one by one.

Read "Conplex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker.

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=asc_df_1492871842/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312089933244&hvpos=1o4&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4332465515246139454&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9004358&hvtargid=pla-489307774527&psc=1

Here’s the book.

The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole https://www.amazon.com/dp/1623158249/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_bbsODbX5TM4N2

In Pete Walker's book, he states his belief that many mental illnesses are really unrecognized CPTSD. It's really really good if you haven't read it.

Walking up in a flashback is a normal symptom of CPTSD.

You can read about it in Pete Walker's book available for purchase here: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

Has anyone used this one?
https://www.amazon.ca/Complex-PTSD-Workbook-Mind-Body-Regaining/dp/1623158249/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=8-15

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1492871842

There is nothing exceptionally profound here. What this guy did for me was take all the fragmented knowledge I had gained over the last 15 years about what was wrong with me and bring it all together in a complete explanation that clicked.

He gives a lot of book recommendations in his writing for you to explore the various topics in more depth.

I’m reading it on Kindle- but here’s the Amazon link to it! I can only read so much at time without triggering myself... :/

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492871842/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_XzB-AbR5R6QFE

I'm doing IFS therapy. Boy does it help. Internal Family Systems!

You can find an IFS therapist and do sessions with them via skype for about $150/session, many will do the first one pro bono, just to teach the skills. Also you can learn this method on your own and do it for yourself: Self Therapy

That's my method and its changing things for me.

I think its really, really important to not beat yourself up over "inability to function in the world". I've beaten myself up because I can't get a girlfriend, can't keep a social circle, can't have fun at parties... it was not productive at all.

I’ve been an emotional mess all week. Two months after going no contact with my personality disordered parents. There is no end to my physical health ailments.

Have you heard of this book? Might be something you’d be interested in:

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748

Interesting concept. I just started reading [“The body keeps the score”] (https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=asc_df_0143127748/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2228263904069159418&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003303&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-434690707169&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=61851652213&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=312049124368&hvpos=1o2&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2228263904069159418&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9003303&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-434690707169) and there was a study done on the idle brain, (which is when you try to not think of anything) where trauma victims were able to shut off literally everything in their brain except the "gps" unit. Normal people had activity in many other areas, of mostly self reflection and body functions. Since what they were doing is essentially meditation, it made me wonder how trauma can shape us to be more gifted in other ways.

>I was raised by a crazy narc mother, and for the first four years of my life my mother and father were in a bad relationship. I know from my earliest memories how much fighting and violence and arguing there was, and I know my mother managed to hurt my older brother so much he had to go to hospital.

Read "The Body Keeps Score..."

Here's the thing, (and yes it's shitty but you sound like you don't appreciate sugar coating things, so I'm giving you this straight) PTSD is an anxiety disorder. If your trauma was prolonged or when you were developing, then your brain physically changed to protect you from trauma.

This article details the physical changes to the brain [Trigger Warning for generalized traumatic events].

If you have a disorder, you'll have symptoms. If you have PTSD, your symptoms will get worse when you're triggered (like in therapy), but your symptoms could also get worse at any time.

>PTSD symptoms usually begin within three months of a traumatic event. Sometimes, however, reaction can be delayed, sometimes for years. Symptoms can come and go and are often more likely to occur during times of stress in your life, or if something happens in your daily life to trigger a memory of the traumatic event.

Yes, therapy will aggravate your symptoms, especially at first, but therapy will also give you a dependable structure to figure out how to improve your symptoms (i.e. meds, coping strategies, ect). To use the broken arm analogy: Your arm is already broken (PTSD), which sucks, but you CAN control where you broke it. Breaking it in the hospital or close to the hospital (therapy) or breaking it while backpacking in the wilderness (random triggers).


Here's a few things I think everyone who starts recovery should know so that they can have realistic expectations:

1. Recovery is intense emotionally AND physically. Don't underestimate how much energy anxiety and stress uses. Everyone can get bitchy when they're stressed, so make sure you give yourself more time to relax and rest.
   
   
2. It will take years. You aren't just learning something new. You have to unlearn what you've been doing before now as well. And then you have to practice until it becomes just another habit.
   
   
3. Therapy and medicine costs add up. You'll benefit from a healthcare plan that covers both. Inconsistency with either will make recovery and your symptoms much more difficult.
   
   
4. You can't do this alone. You need compassionate, supportive and PTSD-educated people more than ever during recovery. Group therapy helps with this. Also, communication with your fiance is more important now than it was before. You're going through some rough stuff right now and you're going to change, so don't expect yourself to be exactly how you were pre-recovery.
   
   
5. It gets worse before it gets better. This is what you're experiencing now, but it is impossible for it to not improve with medicine, therapy and support.
   
   
6. Recovery isn't linear. Sometimes your symptoms will get worse randomly or you will struggle or even give up for a while. Ever since your trauma happened you've been coping in your own way. Its okay to say fuck it for a bit if that's what you need. You're human. That means both joy and grief, pain and euphoria, peace and turmoil.
   
   
7. Its your life and your recovery. Every single person with PTSD has different symptoms and experiences and will have their own version of recovery. Take initiative and build a way of living that you can be proud of. As long as you don't endanger yourself or others, you don't ever have to go to therapy again if that's what you want.
   
   
   On that note, here are my own suggestions based on what's worked for me:
   
   
8. Have a goal to motivate you. I got by without therapy until I started college. That's when it really hit me that I either needed help ASAP or would have to drop out (My therapist tells me that she's surprised I managed to graduate high school - all things considered). I didn't even know I had C-PTSD at the time, just thought I had ADHD and a bad work ethic. So now if I get discouraged or things get hard, I just think about why I decided to start recovery in the first place AKA college (since then I've found many more reasons). If you don't want to be in therapy, going anyway will make the whole experience even more miserable.
   
   
9. Find a therapist you trust who specializes in trauma/PTSD that you can meet one on one with. Group therapy is great, but you need more time/attention than only doing group therapy can give you. I've had two therapists before the one I have now and they weren't good fits. I needed someone really calm, but not afraid to call me out on my bs if necessary.
   
   
10. Get some meds. Right now you're in pain, which is important and normal. Anyone who has been through what you have would be feeling just as much pain. That's the beauty of modern medicine: just because you're in pain doesn't mean you need to suffer. After I started working on my C-PTSD in therapy, my symptoms got so bad that I could barely function. I feel better on my meds now than I ever had, even before therapy (but I grew up thinking that suffering and extreme emotional pain were normal - nothing to complain about - so they may not be as dramatic for you). They'll help you feel stable.
    
    
    I'll leave you with a quote, hopefully it speaks to you in some way: "You aren't broken in need of fixing, you're deeply hurt in need of care." - Arielle Schwartz
    
    (edit: formatting)

It's good that you have a home where you do not live with an abuser and that you have access to the basics.

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Since you have those things, and you seem to be aware of the distress that isolation causes, you might want some information about ways to explain why you are the way you are and ways to start to modify those behaviors.

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Your tendency toward isolation will never go away all on its own. It will take a degree of research, education and effort from you. Maybe a lot of hurt and pain as you reexamine the emotions that got you here and the behaviors that started your path to complete isolation. You will want people to discuss this with. Since you are not likely to trust people in real life, I recommend finding a Facebook group for victims of childhood trauma and sticking close to this reddit group.

I obviously cannot be your therapist but I can guide you to resources that have helped me. I also tend to isolate myself and distrust others.

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I recommend that you read this book. https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

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Amazon is giving a month of kindle unlimited away for free right now and with that you can read the book for free.

You will know if it will be helpful to you in the first three pages.

If that is too much, there is the author's website.


Here is his description of what I believe you may be suffering with. I only say this because you say things that I really identify with and recognize in myself. You are in a dangerous place, as isolated as you are. It may feel safe but a person truly benefits the most with a support network. Getting to a place where you have one or two trusted friends, not a huge group, might be your goal for now.




From Pete Walker's site: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

Many freeze types unconsciously believe that people and danger are synonymous, and that safety lies in solitude. Outside of fantasy, many give up entirely on the possibility of love. The freeze response, also known as the camouflage response, often triggers the individual into hiding, isolating and eschewing human contact as much as possible. This type can be so frozen in retreat mode that it seems as if their starter button is stuck in the "off" position. It is usually the most profoundly abandoned child - "the lost child" - who is forced to "choose" and habituate to the freeze response (the most primitive of the 4Fs). Unable to successfully employ fight, flight or fawn responses, the freeze type's defenses develop around classical dissociation, which allows him to disconnect from experiencing his abandonment pain, and protects him from risky social interactions - any of which might trigger feelings of being reabandoned. Freeze types often present as ADD; they seek refuge and comfort in prolonged bouts of sleep, daydreaming, wishing and right brain-dominant activities like TV, computer and video games. They master the art of changing the internal channel whenever inner experience becomes uncomfortable. When they are especially traumatized or triggered, they may exhibit a schizoid-like detachment from ordinary reality.
TX: There are at least three reasons why freeze types are the most difficult 4F defense to treat. First, their positive relational experiences are few if any, and they are therefore extremely reluctant to enter the relationship of therapy; moreover, those who manage to overcome this reluctance often spook easily and quickly terminate. Second, they are harder to psychoeducate about the trauma basis of their complaints because, like many fight types, they are unconscious of their fear and their torturous inner critic. Also, like the fight type, the freeze type tends to project the perfectionistic demands of the critic onto others rather than the self, and uses the imperfections of others as justification for isolation. The critic's processes of perfectionism and endangerment, extremely unconscious in freeze types, must be made conscious and deconstructed as described in detail in my aforementioned article on shrinking the inner critic. Third, even more than workaholic flight types, freeze types are in denial about the life narrowing consequences of their singular adaptation. Because the freeze response is on a continuum that ends with the collapse response (the extreme abandonment of consciousness seen in prey animals about to be killed), many appear to be able to self-medicate by releasing the internal opioids that the animal brain is programmed to release when danger is so great that death seems immanent. The opioid production of the collapse or extreme freeze response can only take the individual so far however, and these types are therefore prone to sedating substance addictions. Many self-medicating types are often drawn to marijuana and narcotics, while others may gravitate toward ever escalating regimes of anti-depressants and anxiolytics. Moreover, when they are especially unremediated and unattached, they can devolve into increasing depression and, in worst case scenarios, into the kind of mental illness described in the book, I Never Promised You A Rose Garden.

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I just recently picked up this book and it's been really helpful.

These descriptions may be a bit long, but may help.

Edit: From the book -

Definition Of Complex PTSD

Cptsd is a more severe form of Post-traumatic stress disorder. It is delineated from this better known trauma syndrome by five of its most common and troublesome features: emotional flashbacks, toxic shame, self-abandonment, a vicious inner critic and social anxiety.

Emotional flashbacks are perhaps the most noticeable and characteristic feature of Cptsd. Survivors of traumatizing abandonment are extremely susceptibility to painful emotional flashbacks, which unlike ptsd do not typically have a visual component.

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being an abused/abandoned child. These feeling states can include overwhelming fear, shame, alienation, rage, grief and depression. They also include unnecessary triggering of our fight/flight instincts.

It is important to state here that emotional flashbacks, like most things in life, are not all-or-none. Flashbacks can range in intensity from subtle to horrific. They can also vary in duration ranging from moments to weeks on end where they devolve into what many therapists call a regression.

Finally, a more clinical and extensive definition of Cptsd can be found on p. 121 of Judith Herman’s seminal book, Trauma and Recovery.

An Example Of An Emotional Flashback

As I write this I recall the first emotional flashback I was ever able to identify, although I did not identify it until about ten years after it occurred. At the time of the event, I was living with my first serious partner. The honeymoon phase of our relationship came to a screeching halt when she unexpectedly started yelling at me for something I no longer recall.

What I do most vividly recall was how the yelling felt. It felt like a fierce hot wind. I felt like I was being blown away – like my insides were being blown out, as a flame on a candle is blown out.

Later, when I first heard about auras, I flashed back to this and felt like my aura had been completely stripped from me.

At the time itself, I also felt completely disoriented, unable to speak, respond or even think. I felt terrified, shaky and very little. Somehow, I finally managed to totter to the door and get out of the house where I eventually slowly pulled myself together.

As I said earlier, it took me ten years to figure out that this confusing and disturbing phenomenon was an intense emotional flashback. Some years later, I came to understand the nature of this type of regression. I realized it was a flashback to the hundreds of times my mother, in full homicidal visage, blasted me with her rage into terror, shame, dissociation and helplessness.

Emotional flashbacks are also accompanied by intense arousals of the fight/flight instinct, along with hyperarousal of the sympathetic nervous system, the half of the nervous system that controls arousal and activation. When fear is the dominant emotion in a flashback the person feels extremely anxious, panicky or even suicidal. When despair predominates, a sense of profound numbness, paralysis and desperation to hide may occur.

A sense of feeling small, young, fragile, powerless and helpless is also commonly experienced in an emotional flashback, and all symptoms are typically overlaid with humiliating and crushing toxic shame.