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4.One of the things that helped me immensely was that I made a close male friend that had also struggled with pornography for many years and had been successful in quitting. Being able to speak with him openly about what had happened and all my failures and sins was so incredibly freeing. Also being able to hear his story as well was an encouragement and a reminder that I'm not the only one who struggles with it, and he was able to pass on wisdom on how he overcame it.

1. A few other things that helped:
   
2. I joined a small accountability group of 3-4 other Christian men who also do struggle or have struggled with pornography. Being able to speak with these other men and encourage as well as hold each other accountable was invaluable. There was no judgement but there was also no making excuses or making light of the sin.
   
3. I'm not sure who your husband associates with but he needs some good strong Christian men he can talk to about this. People he can trust not to cast judgement but who can hold him accountable and encourage him.
   
4. A couple books I read that were very helpful (In order of usefulness:
   
   1. " A Gentle Path through the Twelve Steps" by Patrick Carnes. This book was most helpful and also painful, it was the most useful for finding out the root causes of my desire for porn. It is essentially the same twelve step program for other addictions, but it is more tailored for sexual addiction. It goes into details of how addiction works, how co-addiction affects us and how to break these habits. I could even suggest you to read it as his wife to help you understand the addiction a bit or at least see what he is working through in the book (If I remember correctly the author is Christian)
      
   2. "Fortify: The Fighter's Guide To Overcoming Pornography Addiction" similar to the above book but simplified, also bit more secular if memory serve me correct so make sure to be wise while reading it. It did have some useful tools and information though. It was helpful to me how they suggested journaling when I viewed pornography: When it happened (time/date), what I was feeling at the time, what was I doing that led me to it etc. Also just tracking the hours/days/weeks etc. between slipping up was encouraging that I was seeing progress. This was a good start but I don't know that it's a good resource on it's own.
      
   3. "At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry" by Steve Gallagher. This is one that I have not read much of admittedly, but was highly suggested by some of the men in my accountability group. Unfortunately I cannot comment on it much but it may be worth checking out.
      
5. I might suggest that maybe you read the books along with him and discuss it. It may be difficult and you will have to respect each others boundaries when doing so but it would be helpful for him to know that you are involved and actively wanting to understand and help. They could be helpful for finding out a lot about yourselves and each other that you might not have known before. Though as I said it can and likely will be difficult and painful at times.
   
6. Marriage counseling is wise, especially if he is unwilling to speak with you, seek help from fellow Christian men, or there is not improvement. I cannot stress enough that if this is suggested it MUST be out of love, grace and forgiveness and out of a desire for both of you to improve and grow as a couple. If he feels like he is being attacked or told he isn't good enough or failing etc. then he could feel drawn to pornography more so. Please don't think that I'm saying it's your fault, I absolutely am not trying to place blame on you for any of it but being married our actions certainly do affect our spouse. If you do seek counseling remember this:
   
7. The counselor MUST be a theologically sound Christian male.
   
   1. You don't want some quack of a psychiatrist or counselor to start filling either of your heads with nonsense. There are a lot out there that will so if you have other STRONG Christian couples that you trust that can suggest someone I'd go that route.
      
   2. He must be someone that both you and your husband can agree on. It must be someone you both can trust and confide in and be comfortable sharing difficult truths with. They must also listen to both of you equally and acknowledge your feelings.
      
   3. I do stress that the counselor should be male, especially for dealing with your husbands pornography addiction. Men should counsel men especially in this area.
      
8. You should both also seek wise counsel from other Christian couples in your community. People that you both can trust and who preferably have gone through a similar scenario. Again this must be people that you agree on and can trust, neither of you should feel that the other is going behind the others back to talk with this couple.
   
   ​
   
   I know this is a ton of information and when I started typing I wasn't expecting to write so much but please if you have any questions or if something I said wasn't clear feel free to comment and ask for more info or clarification.
   
   God bless and I will pray for you both!
   
   Part2 (Formatting got screwey sorry)

1. Comparison is the root of so many evils in marriage, especially adultery. Whenever you allow your brain to say, “That person is sexier/ healthier/ funnier/ more attractive/ more attentive than my husband!” you are training your brain to open those people up as options. You are training yourself to be open to an affair. DO NOT DO THIS!
   
   
2. Attractions are innate and uncontrollable. You can do things to prevent yourself from being in situations to form them (eg. don’t have close personal friends of the opposite gender, don’t confide in someone of the opposite gender, don’t go “window shopping”, etc), but once they’re there, your options are: a. Reinforce them with thoughts, words, or deeds (daydreaming, physical behavior, etc), or b. Cut off the supply (don’t interact more than you have to, don’t allow yourself to daydream, pray for them and your spouse when you start thinking about them or how good they are). The former option is not good, but the latter is godly.
   
   
3. Part of godly sex is to make sure that you both are satisfied. If you’re not feeling satisfied with your sex life with your husband, you need to tell him and figure out a way to fix it. Communication, communication, communication!! What would help you feel more cherished when you are intimate with your husband? Do you need to take a bath beforehand? Put on makeup or a pretty nightgown to feel attractive? Does he need to take longer warming up? Do you both need to spend more time cuddling? God gave you a husband for you to fulfill his sexual needs, and God gave your husband you to fulfill your sexual needs. If your needs aren’t filled, both you and your husband aren’t doing your jobs.
   
   
4. “The One” is the person you marry. God does not make soul mates. He created a covenant: a promise about how you will act with another person. And the more you bond with your spouse, the more you each become “The One” to each other.
   
   
5. Everything you mention is based on feelings. You don’t feel satisfied, you don’t feel attracted to your husband, you feel lustful towards other men. Your feelings are valid, and reflect a need that isn’t being filled. But your feelings aren’t reflecting the truth!
   
   Your dissatisfaction is a problem between you and your husband. Not being satisfied with your partner isn’t something anyone else can fix: it comes from you being open about your dissatisfaction and your husband being open to “figuring out” your sexuality.
   
   Not being attracted to your husband won’t be fixed by trading in a newer model. People change with time. You need to modify your heart towards your husband to see the attractive qualities about him: does he care for your children? Is he a good worker? Is he generous? Is he a good listener? You need to search in your husband for the value he has, and for the attractive qualities that will not fade with age. If you can’t see any good qualities, that’s another thing to add in a prayer list: that you will see the attractive qualities your husband has.
   
   
6. Please don’t indulge in smut. You are impeding your relationship when you do. You are reprogramming your brain to think that sex is all about that sexy feeling, instead of about creating a more intimate relationship with your husband. Sexual intimacy in a Christian relationship is based on a covenant of action and based on all other intimacy being married creates: emotional, mental, and relational. You are using the female version of pornography, and you are now needing to use that to find satisfaction in your relationship with your husband. If you ever want satisfaction from your husband alone, you’ll have to reprogram your brain to accept what sex is really about.
   
   
7. If you want your marriage to last beyond the next ~5 years, you need to start changing things, speaking up, and chasing your husband again. The place where you are now is somewhere you never thought you’d let yourself be, and you’re on the edge of a cliff you can’t seem to see the danger of. The longer you stay here or the more you walk towards the cliff, the less likely you’ll be able to fix the damage you’re doing. God is a god of miracles, but He never imposes in this world. You’re choosing now the consequences you’re willing to pay.
   
   ————————
   
   I’ve been on a quest for good marriage books, and two that I think you desperately need to read are:
   Lasting Love - avoiding marital failure
   and
   Lists to Love By - for busy wives
   
   ~$25 (for the both) is cheaper than a marital counselor, and a good place to start if you can’t afford someone in person.

No, thank you for sharing, this is great information to know!

Honestly, it sounds like your husband could be having a bit of a mid-life crisis. I'd imagine he had ambitions for his faith, life, family, career, etc. and as the years have gone by he's been frustrated and growing in bitterness that it hasn't worked out as planned. It sounds like you've been open to changing anything you need to change to be a good wife to him and he's largely been unperceptive - which tells me you're probably not the main problem but rather something like career or something else is the primary source.

This said, I've got a few more ideas here. I think it's possible to reconnect with him as his friend. For example, is there anything you did during dating days that you could do once again to try and make him smile? Maybe a sentimental memory you share that you could spend a little time on getting him something from that memory to remind him of the times you've spent together?

Also, even if he won't go to counselling, you could buy or check out books and stuff like that to work on marriage. It's not a Christian book, but it remains one of the best marriage books I've ever read - Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This book is awesome and it's the reason I suggest reconnecting with him as friend in some way. Basically the book studies around 700 marriages over 16 years and tries to find what predicts success in marriage. The author (a professor of psychology at the University of Washington) summarizes his findings in the book and gives practical guidance with fun steps and exercises you can do together as a couple. His key finding that has stuck with me is that virtually every marriage that has a great friendship at the core lasts and rarely experiences divorce. And the encouraging thing is that we can all learn to be great friends. I've posted a summary of the book here if you'd like to see the general outline of it.

Also, another idea would be to make it a point of intentionally trying to initiate sex with him 2 or 3 times per week. It's kind of sad, but we men can be mean and nasty if we haven't had sex or felt sexually pursued in a while. I don't know how y'all are doing in that department, but that is definitely a strategy of softening his heart.

All this said - your husband is mistreating you and I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. As I'm reading this, I feel that you're not the primary source of his bitterness and I feel that a little intentional and persistent love and friendship would help him "wake up" to the wonderful wife he has.

Praying for you and happy to bounce more ideas your way!

The reason long term dating is discouraged is because as you grow closer to someone sexual attraction and temptation typically increase. As well if someone is 30 and has dated someone seriously for a year that should give them a pretty good idea about whether or not they want to marry them. The principle is don't delay marriage if you are ready.

https://www.amazon.com/Dateable-Are-You-They-ebook/dp/B0033V4SEW/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Are+you+dateable&qid=1560307142&s=digital-text&sr=1-1 this book is a great book about teen dating.

I think setting priorities would be a good idea. If your planning to marry in 2 years then I think a 2 year plan for preparation would be a good idea. Start with conversations about healthy dating and and how to maintain sexual boundaries. The more sexual activity you engage in before marriage the higher your temptation will be. Agreeing on things like, no going in each other's bedroom, no late nights, etc, to help you remain focused in your relationship.

Second I think you need to consider what marriage will mean on a practical level. Where will you live? How much money will you make? What does a realistic budget look like? For most people their teenage years are their lowest income years so it can be very hard to do practical things.

Third, discuss getting married with your parents. Choosing to elope is something that can cause damage to family relationships. Some parents would rather pay for a simple wedding for their child in order to celebrate with them then be excluded from the entire process. Parents also need a bit of time to process their children making such a serious commitment so make sure you give them time to process your choice to marry.

Fourth, a year before you marry start reading books about marriage. Read some about preparing for marriage and others that focus on the transition to marriage. Gary Chapman has a book called "what I wish I'd known before we got married." Discuss what you liked about how your parents raised you and what you want changed. Who did which chores? Do you both know how to do your own laundry and clean a house? Who will be responsible for these things after you marry?

> I’ve noticed a lot of these on this sub and on secular marriage and relationship subs

The people that post are the ones that feel everything was going alright and it seemed “all of a sudden” to them. The people that leave generally don’t post, but if they do, it’s usually for a “laundry list” of reasons.

> why is this occurring

Take your pick: bad communication, poor boundaries, unacceptable expectations. I’m sure there are more, but the problem is that divorce happens when one or both parties give up on the commitment made at the wedding and finalize it in court.

> do most marriages that split do so in this fashion

Literally unknowable. The reason given to most under the law is “irreconcilable differences” which is a catch-all for paperwork sake. Even if you have statistics (maybe the CDC), the data would have to be extrapolated, and it still wouldn’t be accurate.

> are the reasons almost always readily apparent, with the writing on the wall being seen ahead of time with time to try fixing things?

In many cases, yes. Most? Unknowable.

> how does someone avoid this, in terms of choosing and a good partner and leading a marriage?

There was an awards ceremony, I think it was back in 2011, where Robert Downey Jr asked Hollywood essentially to forgive Mel Gibson. I think understanding how a person is rooted in Christ has to do with how willing they are to forgive the other persons sins. That’s definitely got to be a central tenet of a relationship.

All the other aspects: communication, boundaries, expectations; these can all be developed through intentional conversation and relationship development. To help with that, I recommend the five love languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. That’s a great starting point for any couple intentional on growing the strength of their relationship.

There's a book called Intended for Pleasure that has some extensive instructions on how you can work on this very problem together. DM me if you are interested in the book and you can't quite swing it atm (health issues are expensive!). But Christ has hope for those who need it.

I encourage you to learn patience, as I imagine he probably feels pretty crappy about the whole situation too. The point behind marital love is not what you get out of the marriage. Marriage is meant to mirror Christ's love toward the church - the love that led Him to sacrifice Himself on the cross for our sins long before we ever loved Him. Love is not only the overwhelming passion you feel when you're dating, but it's the commitment you make to your spouse, whether times are good or bad, easy or difficult. In fact, being married happily is work. You have to do it intentionally - it doesn't come naturally every day like it does when you're dating.

Now, it sounds like you feel alone with your upcoming treatment, and being distanced from your husband. Is there a way you can make efforts to reconnect? Go on a date, or even just doing something together you both enjoy that doesn't have to involve sex. You said that before you were dating, you were close friends - lean back on that foundation, and be forgiving to your husband. I'm quite comfortable assuming that every fight you have, he knows what's at the root of it, and feels the accusation that it's all his fault. Do you think you could come to the place where you don't blame him for the sexual issues? Yes, they have to do with him, but it doesn't sound like he's doing it on purpose. It could make a difference if you look at it from a new angle - his body is separate from his will, and his will is for this not to happen.

Also, you mentioned your temper - I know that feeling. But I've also learned that anger like that is sinful anger - and to overcome that, I had to practice taking control of my thoughts. So, for instance, when my spouse does something "typical" that usually leads to me being inconvenienced in one way or another, instead of just getting upset, frustrated and enraged, I have to counsel myself. "The anger I'm feeling right now is completely unjustified; my spouse has not offended me - I'm angry at a future slight that I'm simply anticipating." We have the power to direct our emotions, although it's not commonly utilized in society. That being said, you can CHOOSE to love him emotionally again. You have to look for qualities that are positive, even if it's the smallest thing ("He takes out the trash without me asking", for instance). They add up, and you'll find he is lovable. But you have to be loving and choose to look for it.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I recommend counseling for both of you individually and possibly marriage counseling so you can really discuss this with a third party who can help lead the conversation. I recently read an excellent book called "Intimate Deception" by Dr. Sheri Keffer (https://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Deception-Healing-Wounds-Betrayal/dp/0800729129). It really goes into the different reasons men find themselves addicted to porn and also helps you process your feelings about it. I highly recommend it.

I also recommend looking into Accountable2You (https://www.accountable2you.com) an internet accountability and monitoring software. He can put it on his computer and/or cell phone. You'll get alerts if he looks at anything inappropriate and will be able to see what he does on both his phone and computer. It's $6/month but the piece of mind is worth every penny.

This addiction is about your husband, not about you. I get it, I've always been incredibly opposed to porn and made that clear to my husband time and time again. I didn't know he was silently struggling and keeping it from me for our 5 1/2 year marriage out of fear of how I would react. I wish I didn't make him feel like he had to hide it so we could have dealt with it sooner. We're in the midst of it now but it gets easier. He's taking the proper steps to get help (group therapy, joined Celebrate Recovery and is going through the 12 steps now) and I think eventually we'll be able to come out the other side.

When I first found out I was devastated. It felt like he had cheated on me and that I wasn't enough. But through counseling and honest discussions with him I've learned it's not something I brought on, this is all him. He has to work through what led to this and how to beat the addiction. He's gone about 4 months now without any slip ups so things are looking up.

Good luck.

There's a lot going on here.

1. Go to Amazon and order Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend immediately. I think you need this for both your relationship with your fiance and your parents.
   
2. In the long term, pursue counseling. It does sound like there's a lot of enmeshment going on with your parents, particularly regarding finances. What your parents wanted was inappropriate on every level. These issues will affect your marriage. On top of that, you are trying to merge two religions. I hate to tell you this, but the religious issue will continue to pop up over the course of your life (ie baptizing your children RCC.) My father's family is Catholic. My mother's isn't. It's caused decades of drama. You and your fiance absolutely need counseling to get on the same page about religion and traditions. (Will you name your kid after a saint? How do you feel about them getting rosaries? First Communion, etc. ).
   
3. Your fiance was very, very wrong to take Eucharist. In every Mass I've ever attended, the Priest has clearly said that only Catholics in good standing should take Communion. In your father's shoes, I would have freaked out as well. This is a widely known rule, so your husband owes your family a HUGE apology. My dad was baptized Catholic. Technically, he's allowed to take Eucharist. My grandmother recently passed away, and he still refused to take Communion at her funeral because he is not in good standing. This is a BIG deal and deeply offensive to your parents. (I'm a hardwired Calvinist, who has major disagreements with the Catholic Church, and I'm offended for your parents.)
   
   Regarding the elopement:
   
   
4. Get married now and plan a ceremony later. You can either do a civil ceremony or have your pastor privately marry you if you want a religious service. This happens far more often than people realize for both civil and religious vows.
   
   People frequently get married legally because sometimes life logistics demand it. If your spouse is in the military, you need insurance, a lease is running, etc. A friend got married at the courthouse because the cruise she wanted to take for her honeymoon wasn't offered AFTER the wedding. She had a small ceremony with immediate family at the courthouse, they took their honeymoon and then they had a the big church wedding afterwards.
   
   
5. Plan the closest wedding to your dream that the two of you can afford.
   
   There's no reason to limit yourself to an elopement. In your situation, I would avoid accepting any financial or in-kind assistance from your family. Pay for everything by yourselves. THEN, invite your parents as guests. If they don't have a hand in hosting the wedding, the message is clear that they are guests and expected to behave.
   
   You also have options for integrating both religions. You could ask a priest to offer a prayer or have a ceremony described here. You are limiting yourself when there's no reason to. Use your imagination and figure out a way to fulfill your dreams while following God's word and making an effort to respect your parents' faith.
   
   
6. Reconciliation is possible with your family. This is not a one-time action but a long process. Your fiance needs to apologize and demonstrate respect for their religion. Next, the two of you need to get married and show your parents that you respect God's commandments. If they are upset about him not being Catholic, they can't be happy with you living together.
   
   Before pursuing reconciliation, start counseling. Get help in learning how to rebuild the relationship with healthy boundaries. This doesn't have to happen overnight. It's a long-term goal. However, you will regret not having a wedding to celebrate and not inviting your parents.

I am very sorry for what you experienced -- and Jesus is too. He wants healing for you so you can walk with him with your whole heart. I am in a program right now that uses this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Path-through-Wilderness-Becoming-Meant/dp/0692964231/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1548281000&sr=8-2&keywords=bob+ragan

It has homework exercises and ways to invite the Lord to show you what you need healed, how you need to forgive, etc. Family wounds are very deep (I have plenty of my own). But with a christian counselor and working through this book, I'm seeing some real healing. Please consider getting it, it's very hands on and will help more than books that I've found to be very theoretical.

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I highly recommend getting into christian counseling. I know it's hard to face but it will help you. PM me if you want a recommendation for a good one who does sessions by Skype.

Edit: The Lord has plans to heal us!

16And he came to Nazareth, where he had been brought up. And as was his custom, he went to the synagogue on the Sabbath day, and he stood up to read. 17And the scroll of the prophet Isaiah was given to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where it was written,

18“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,
19to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor.”

20And he rolled up the scroll and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on him. 21And he began to say to them, “Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing.” Luke 4: 16

First of all, are you living with them or are you out of the house? Are you married, employed and financially independent?

My mom and I have gone through a lot of ups and downs. Our relationship has gotten much better as I've gotten older. I'd now consider her my BFF. However, it took a lot to get there.

If you are still depending on your parents financially or for a home, they will struggle to see you as an adult. As long as you are on their dime or under their roof, no matter the circumstances, they will see you as entitled and not take your problems seriously.

In my late 20s, I was on my own and living hundreds of miles away from my parents. However, they still paid for my cell phone. That extra $20 became a huge point of contention. After I went over on my data (due to my job), I got my own plan. It cost me $50 a month but it was worth it. My parents treated me with respect. They took my problems and concerns seriously. That one bill sent a signal to my parents that I had reached adulthood.
If you can't move out or need to rely on your parents financially, I would advise you to find another person to confide in. It's natural to want to turn to our moms for advice and share our burdens. However, it sounds like you are in a growing pains stage. Your relationship might not be able to handle it right now. Turn to a friend or another woman at church for advice or pursue counseling.

I highly recommend Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. It's a Christian book that is highly respected by the secular world for how to handle difficult relationships.

Rest in the pleasure that God has made in marriage.

My wife read "intended for pleasure" ( https://www.amazon.com/Intended-Pleasure-Technique-Fulfillment-Christian/dp/0800719379/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=intended+for+pleasure&qid=1566927300&s=gateway&sr=8-1 )

we were both virgins, and it took us a few days of trying to figure out how this works. There is some pain at the beginning, but you will get the hang of it. Be open to exploring, tell your husband what you enjoy, what turns you on, and ask him what he enjoys and what turns him on.

Adventure is out there - go discover together

Not directly relating to marriage, but:

Disciplines of a Godly Man

If you become a better man (we all have room for improvement), then you'll be a better husband & this will impact your marriage.

The standard set in the book is very high/daunting, but it shows what is possible & what we should be aiming for.

Sacred Marriage

The main idea of this book is that marriage should make you holy, not happy.

We would all do well to remember that, because he's absolutely right, from my experience (not that I've become too holy!)

it sounds like the two of you speak different love languages - https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=5+love+languages&qid=1569194274&s=books&sr=1-2

Have you tried reading anything about it? Has she? Does she see this as a problem, or is she fine with the status quo?

This book is a pretty comprehensive guidebook for sex and how to begin a sexual journey with your spouse.

Having been in a relationship with a (so-called) Christian woman for 18 mos that in my gut felt 'forced' or 'wrong' - to a relationship with my now wife where we were so like-minded on things and it just came easy to be with her, I realized I probably wasn't listening enough to the Spirit and should have ended it long ago.

If you have to try too hard to make it work, then it's probably wrong. It should come easy and feel like hand in glove. And should be confirmed by family and trusted friends.

"I think she believes in God but does not have a relationship with him, and I don’t know that she’s too keen on trying to live by the Word." 2 years and you don't know where she is spiritually? That's enough to run for the hills - if you want a Godly spouse for life.

I'll leave you with a statement from the book "Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts" which I highly recommend: https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Your-Marriage-Before-Starts/dp/0310259827

"The most miserable people in the world aren't single. They are married people who realize they've made a grave mistake."