(Part 2) Best products from r/DeadBedrooms

> #9 (never orgasmed from sex) What should I do.

I was able to orgasm with a vibrator, although it took a lot of time, but I never could get off with a guy until my (future) husband and I got seriously experimental about it. I'm very glad we did. It has made a HUGE difference! So if you want to make an effort to change this, I encourage you to get serious about exploring alternatives.

Trying lots of things is important, because women who are slow to get aroused differ so much in terms of what works that it's really hard to give specific advice, except this: don't stop trying new things just because the first ten don't work!

Fortunately, most of the things you will want to try are interesting and enjoyable, even if they don't work the first time, so the journey can be fun even if it takes a while.

This is a good place to start:

• How Women Can Become (More) Orgasmic.
  
  It has a bunch of links to other resources, including this classic book, which I recommend:
  
  
• Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women, revised edition
  
  It's out of print, but Amazon usually has used copies for under $10, shipping included. It's a classic for a reason. It has helped many, many women have their first orgasms.
  
  If you're like most couples, you both came into your relationship with a set of preconceived ideas of what "having sex" consists of, in terms of the steps, the techniques, and the amount of time devoted to each one. You've tried that and it hasn't worked, and you've tried some minor variations on those themes without success. But you almost certainly haven't explored all or even most of the possibilities.
  
  A good example of that is the website OMG Yes!!!, where you can learn many variations on about a dozen basic ways to stimulate a woman's vulva and clitoris with your fingers. (It's $39, but definitely worth it.) I recommend exploring it first and experimenting on yourself, and then telling your partner what you want him to try.
  
  I also recommend the book She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner. It will help a great deal if you have a "slow to warm up" problem or if your partner needs help with oral technique.
  
  More generally, I would urge you to:
  
  

1. Get an inexpensive folding massage table. (Under $100 on Amazon, the best investment in good sex you'll ever make!)
   
   
2. Do sensate focus therapy together for at least three months. (This is the program described in the second half of "Becoming Orgasmic".]
   
   
3. Read the relevant articles from the SO30 Wiki and from this collection for tips on oral and manual technique and advice on increasing sexual arousal during foreplay.
   
   
4. Adopt a longer, more sensual script for sex that includes a lot more cuddling, deep kissing, and foreplay before PIV, and follow that script at least half the time.
   
   
5. Specifically, learn sensual/erotic/tantric massage and do it a lot.
   
   
6. Try an air-pulse type vibrator (e.g., Satisfyer Pro 40) and a regular vibrator with a different strength/pitch. (I.e., if you already have one that is high-pitched and buzzy, get a deep rumbly one like the magic Wand, or vice versa.)
   
   On that last point, try using a folded cloth between the head of the vibrator and your labia or clit if the vibrations are too strong.
   
   Good luck!

Staying home to take care of the kids doesn't give her a pass. :)

I ask because there was a book my wife asked me to read completely unironically called His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage.

It was a little hokey, admittedly, but it has a load of case studies that take how we value our partners and feel valued by them beyond the "five love languages". Here's a pdf questionnaire that helps you rank their value in your relationship.

Affection
Sexual fulfillment (because this is different than affection)
Intimate conversation
Recreational companionship (do you play together?)
Honesty and openness
Physical attractiveness of spouse
Financial support
Domestic support (helping around the house)
Family commitment
Admiration

Granted, this list is developed from the author's therapy practice, but it's still an interesting thought experiment. If she's not filling up your cup, you're far more likely to get that quota of whatever from someone who is not her.

It sounds like she may be using her identity as a mother to buffer herself from her identity as your wife. I'm curious if she even knows what she wants from you.

I know where you're coming from here. I'm HL, (my guys is maybe he's LL-ML perhaps actually) but we haven't been intimate in god I don't know.. months? maybe over a year at this point. And that's typical... months if not years between attempts. Some weird pattern of complacency. Like... it's not going to get better if you never try but what you going to do.

Something broke somewhere and we haven't been abel to fix it. It was my first 'proper' relationship and his second, so that has a real big part to play in it too I think. And I've certainly tried to fix it - I lost weight, found loads of stuff online, books from here etc Sadly he found the books 'crass' so that wasn't helpful - but - I've collected loads of tips and guides and things to try and figure out how to fix things. HAsn't helped though... there is a gear to this and we've definitely both fallen out of it. We'd periodically talk about it - I'd always initiate these and he'd say that he agreed completely, that "things would change" and then nothing ever does of course.

And I say similar to you because he spends all his free time with a headset playing games (he's literally sitting next to me right now doing this), chatting to other people... awake till 4am online and mouthing me a "goodnight" while shooting some guy on Rust while I go to bed alone. I am pretty certain he 'takes care of himself' after I've goner to bed too... and really that sort of does its own damage. Not gonna lie, I do the same thing myself now... and that's the weird pattern we've fallen into. We're affectionate and caring don't get me wrong, but there's a giant black hole where physical intimacy should be and that is so so damaging. It's like our relationship is quietly eroding from the core and no amount of hugs will fix that >_>

Our issues likely like in several places - but one of them is the mismatch between how you get in the mood and how he does. Like you I prefer some sort of build up - it would be nice if we spent time doing something together for example - and like your guy, my guy just sort of occasionally jumps on me all guns blazing and expects instant reciprocation. And by instant I mean if I don't want him inside me after 2 minutes of a back massage "I don't find him attractive" which isn't true but he's 28 now - and teaching him foreplay is a legitimate thing is proving surprisingly difficult. I guess that's both the cause of and the result of 5 years of nothing and porn ironically (like I said, we were both new to this whole Relationship thing when we started). Deadly spiral, don't do that.

Anyway... gosh intimate ranting, the worst kind of ranting... sorry!

So, told, my guy does tech - right. He plays all hours, he spends more time chatting with online people than me, more time with them than me by a long long margin. I get it... and I imagine it's a replacement pure and simple. A distraction. And, like you, I've had enough, too. So... we have a choice here. We have identified we are unhappy - that's step one, and it's important. And very very likely we're not alone - our partners are also not happy. So we have two, well actually three options.

• fix it
  
• don't fix it, continue as before
  
• leave
  
  Having established you're in the "fix it" camp you really need to talk to him. Honestly and completely about what you just told us. Because sure you may have had these conversations before but that didn't change anything so you need to have another. And it needs to do something different, because last time didn't work.
  
  In my case I had the latest one of these about a week ago. I laid out everything (again) and he quietly agreed with everything (again). Key thing. Realism.
  
  In one way or other I said this: "look we need to fix this because we're both unhappy and I don't want my future to be like this. I can't imagine a future like this". He agreed (he felt the same too.) "nothing we tried before has worked" he also agreed. He said he was afraid of trying and failing - because failing would mean it couldn't be fixed and that scared him. Part of the inactivity and complacency was actually procrastination. The outcome: we need to go to a councillor. All the reddit archer advice and internet help and chats have done not one thing. I don't know where to go from here, I just don't - so we need to run this by somebody who does. He did actually agree to doing this in the new year. I'm not entirely convinced - like the promised dates and time spent together it's likely to be forgotten I should think. But it's worth trying.
  
  Time is a precious thing. It's a finite thing. You either spend time fixing it or you call it quits and find somebody who makes you happy. Ideally you fix things, of course, and marriage counsellors exist for a reason. But it's worth looking at it like that - and mentioning to him that things are this serious - because they really are. Something fixable now might not be fixable couple of years down the line. Take if from somebody 6 years down the line more time does not solve anything (only perpetuates it) - but only actions will change things.
  
  Two books I found helpful you may also find useful.
  
  Come as You Are: the surprising new science that will transform your sex life - I am reading this atm, though this sub I think - and it's really really interesting. From what you've said I think you would find it really insightful too and highly recommend it.
  
  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts - this might be useful for you too - you can find summaries online that tell you the basics though. This is such an important thing - and might be a useful way into the deeper conversation you need to have.
  
  EDIT
  
  You mentioned feeling resentment about rejection and I totally see that. Rejection cuts both ways - and does its own sort of damage. Time only deepens those wounds, so be careful of that. What this boils down to though is that you both need to be putting 100% into fixing things. This isn't some "you need to do this so he will do that" stuff. That just causes resentment - you feel you've been hurt and are still expecting to put your heart on the line again - and I imagine that's how he feels too. This is your relationship which is the combination of you both. You can't fix it with imbalance - imbalance is what broke it. You need to get off the ride (communicate openly) and restart it (councillor for example) and both go back into it together. Spend time together (for your side of things) and intimate time (for his side of things). even if it doesn't end... completely... if you see what I mean - sometimes these things need ramping up and the intimacy you both need should be built gradually. I'm almost looking at it as trying to see it as a new relationship - because those are the sort of things you're rebuilding.
  
  
  
  

There's no late reply -- standard internet-strangers rules apply. No pressure to keep the conversation going.

My partner is seriously touch-averse, but overcomes it for me for things like a hug - I've written about this elsewhere, but it means all the more to me, because I know that the act of giving me a hug is a conscious choice backed by serious willpower to overcome her trauma-fueled withdrawal.

Human touch is very powerful thing, and definitely something you can use to battle depression, anxiety, and emotional withdrawal.

The reason I asked, though, is that if you are touch-averse, you and your partner might want to consider looking up Sensate Focus Touch. I've not read any of the following, but they are highly recommended in this area - (all links to amazon)

The Body Keeps the Score

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma

Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy

I also thought of this for you:

The Self-Esteem Workbook

> Sex is still this foreign thing I don't know if I belong in..

Here, here's a guest pass. You're welcome to stay as long as you like, and leave whenever you need to.

In all seriousness, sex is yours, to do with as you wish, from diving in and loving it to deciding it isn't for you and you'd rather not. You belong, and nobody gets to tell you otherwise.

> "your bf probably has a side chick if he's not getting it from you."

Falsehood.

Proof by counter-example #1: I spent 17 years with my stbx-wife with ever-decreasing frequency. I turned down more than one invitation from potential side chicks.

Proof by counter-example #2: You can find plenty of others here in DBs who are unwilling to consider "just cheat!" as a viable option.

Proof by counter-example #3: Despite my asexual partner telling me I could fuck whomever I wanted, and being on a two-year dry spell, I turned down a potential paramour recently. I wasn't certain that I wouldn't hurt my partner if I said yes. If we're going to come to an open relationship agreement, I want her to have terms and boundaries in place so that she feels safe and secure.

There are some reddit communities where you're more likely to strike supportive, loving gold than others, considering your history and feelings. I'd suggest subscribing to

/r/LowLibidoCommunity

/r/Asexuality

/r/CPTSD

as each will, I think, be solidly in your corner, for different reasons. You can decide, for each, whether or not you belong and/or want that community's help.

I think that's about all I can think of for resources ..

Other than my infinite supply of ((touch-aversion-resistant-virtual-hugs)) =D

I'm a woman but my advice is not that you should dump him. Some of your comments give me pause.

The fact that you're giving him blowjobs at approximately 2x the rate of sex, plus:

> he says I often "try too hard, or want it too much. " he says he feels like im forcing him into it. And never give him space.

> He also works 50-60 hour work weeks on a regular basis.

> He says the 3rd and most hurtful reason is because of my weight gain, which is true.

Any one of these things might cause a decent slow-down. All taken together they are plenty reason for bed-death. He's infuriating to me personally but I think you need to read the posts by /u/D_Hamm35. His reasons for losing libido sound very similar to what you are doing.

1 - get your weight under control. For YOU, not for him. But it will help your self esteem & confidence is sexy. You are at the height of your sexiness for your entire life. Stop ruining it with fat. You will be 32 in the blink of an eye and you will regret what you did to yourself.

2 - stop trying so hard. I'm currently reading Why Men Love Bitches, which was recommended on here recently. It is a very easy & straight-forward read. Go get it, and read it. You need to find some things to do that are just for you. Leave him home alone sometimes. Encourage him to take back up an old activity that he is interested in. Or just leave him home to figure it out. Say no to him when it is not convenient for you. This is NOT game-play. This is for your own self-esteem and worthiness. Stop being so accommodating. Everything you've written here indicates you're losing touch with yourself, and that is the opposite of sexy.

Re-establish your OWN life separate from him. Have things to do and people to see that are NOT about him. Don't ask if he is okay with it. Don't clear your schedule with him or get his permission before you make plans. The best possible situation is one where you are able to sometimes say to him, "oh, sorry! I can't! I have plans." This is verrrrry attractive behavior.

You might have other guys hitting on you, but the caliber of guy who will hit on a woman who has gained weight and currently has low self esteem (which you will be broadcasting with your behavior, whether you like it or not) is very low. Trust me on this. You deserve better than those guys who are aiming low. Get yourself put back together, period, whether your current relationship works out or not.

You are sending out a strong signal that says I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Well, he believes you. Stop that!

All of these things will help your relationship, but more importantly, they will help YOU. You're giving yourself up for him, and your dead bedroom is evidence he doesn't like it.

Thanks for posting these, I will be adding them to my reading list. To add.....

The Four Agreements A bit new-agey, a bit preachy, a bit hippy, but entirely relevant to those who are trying to improve themselves and bring happiness back into your life. It frees you of the constraints of personal relationships. My counselor recommended that I skip the first chapter because of the 'preachy' stuff, I recommend that you read it all, it does paint a picture, and it was quite profound for me. So much so, that I actually condensed the Four Agreements into a small graphic and put it on the lockscreen of my phone. I find myself constantly stating them to myself. I am amazed at how easily they have become a set of guideposts for my life.

The 48 Laws of Power Not so much required reading, and again, for someone looking for ways to improve themselves. Focuses on power in interpersonal relationships and how to recognize when it's being used and how and how not to use it. Tons of interesting historical examples makes it a fun read. Not really a relationship book, but rather knowing how these dynamics work might make it easier to sidestep when your partner tries to be manipulative.

This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.

​

There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=passionate+marriage&qid=1556824796&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?crid=10WF0A3U0ZLES&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1556824853&s=gateway&sprefix=no+more+m%2Caps%2C246&sr=8-1

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1B16J31SVFQXN&keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski&qid=1556824888&s=gateway&sprefix=come+as+you+are%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-1

​

This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1556824926&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)

The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.

Hi, I made a guide that covers why this happens.

From my guide:

> 2. Following on this line of thinking, porn, by reinforcing certain desires, makes you want things you otherwise wouldn't want, or would want much, much less; and it does so at the expense of other aspects to sexuality. Part of this is because the excitement of porn is primarily about novelty-- think about why you need to keep finding new videos of different acts with different women. This drive for novelty causes you to watch things that you otherwise wouldn’t be attracted to, which subsequently become ‘wired’ into your ‘sexuality’. Many people find that they become attracted to violent, gay, or child porn and it takes an enormous toll on their lives; and after abstaining from pornography, many find that these fetishes lose significant power, or disappear entirely. Another component of this phenomenon is that because porn cannot provide intimacy and does not stimulate appreciation for anything but a sex-object conception of a woman, it changes your perspective to value superficial, novel things more. And because you are not reinforcing other desires surrounding sexuality, you gradually lose your ability to have a more balanced appreciation of sex and women. That's why sex becomes less fulfilling, and eventually guys would rather jerk it to porn than have sex with their partners.

===

This point is also relevant, though not as significant as the first:

> 1. When you watch porn, you are reinforcing the desires it appeals to. Because of this, watching porn makes you crave porn more. A simple argument is that if you do not need it in your life, why create the desire for it? It is for many a colossal waste of time. The idea is that it would be better to spend your time and energy on things that ‘grow’ your life, rather than on dead-end, fleeting pleasures. A question this raises is whether porn adds anything to your life except a temporary respite from this craving (only to be followed by a strengthened craving). I find that having not watched porn for many years, it does not have nearly the same appeal to me, so it does not appear to me that it does add anything to my life. When you finish to a porn video, don't your feelings immediately switch from excitement to disgust-- like, 'why am I watching this?' ? This suggests to me that the momentary pleasure of pornography is artificially created and sustained by the habit itself.

===

I am making a post covering Marnia Robinson's Cupid's Poisoned Arrow which I will send to you when completed and is also something you should read.

===

I'm sorry for the effect that this has had on you and your relationship, and I am sure that underneath his rationalizations he is sorry too. Good luck with everything.


edit: /u/sluttymustache, here is a link to my post about Cupid's Poisoned Arrow:

https://np.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/5q8c4z/draft_is_getting_too_much_of_what_we_want/

If your wife is unable to come from intercourse, can she come through masturbation? A toy? Vibrator? What is it that rings her chimes?

Whatever it is, insert yourself into her routine.

My wife and I have been together almost 40 years now. About 3-4 years after we got together, she "confessed" that she had been faking her orgasms, and that the ONLY way she could have an orgasm was with a dildo and her Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator.

Well, you can guess that this did nothing for MY mood, so over the next couple of weeks, we discussed what we had been doing, and what it was that she actually liked. She agreed never to fake her orgasms again, and I agreed that we'd figure this out.

"This" turned out to be me helping her masturbate, and THEN fucking. We've gotten rid of the dildo, and I use my fingers while she uses her wand, and over a few years she got to the point where she could orgasm again through PIV after she'd had that first one on my fingers. These days, there's some variety in our routines, but after 40 years, we pretty much know what each other likes.

Figure out a way that she can enjoy sex, and then expand your techniques. And perhaps some new toys, or a book? Back in the early 1970s, Dr. Alex Comfort wrote The Joy of Sex, a sort of a "laboratory manual" for couples learning about sex. Get it, read it, and work through all the exercises.

Most of the answers in here are, in all likelihood, completely wrong. /u/Simon121212 accidentally came close to the likely correct answer, but didn't really explore it.

There's likely a combination of things going on here, but the major one is that he likely feels a pressure to perform when he's with you, to make sure that he isn't selfish and that you enjoy yourself. He likely feels this pressure to the point where sex with you actually is a source of anxiety for him. Now, in all likelihood, this pressure is self-imposed and has little to do with you.

That's important to keep in mind here. This has almost nothing to do with you. It's about his expectations for himself and what HE thinks he needs to have a smooth and trouble-free life.

Cam girls are safe for him. They're on the far side of a wire, and it's their job to make him feel good. He has no obligation, self-imposed or otherwise, to try to make sure they enjoy their own experience.

He sounds like a "Nice Guy," as described in that book that used to be mentioned in the sidebar. Sexual "misbehavior" of the kind that you describe, are common in "Nice Guys." Secret pornography and cam-girl addiction, seeing prostitutes, that kind of thing.

So yeah. This is the likely issue. Not that he's a Stoopy Poopy Head, as most of the other posters here think, although I suppose it's remotely possible that I'm wrong and he actually IS a Stoopy Poopy Head.

Maybe you could continue to live together as co-parents but end your sexual relationship, allowing both you and your wife to take other lovers. Or, you could live separately but in adjoining homes.

Have you seen the book The New I Do? It describes some creative solutions that people are finding for their marriages, rather than try to fit themselves into the square hole that doesn't work for many of us. You seem like a highly intelligent person with lots of resources, so I'll bet you and your wife could come to a workable agreement.

I'm sorry, but the physical incompatibility you describe does not sound fixable to me. When a man doesn't smell right to me, it's a dealbreaker.

As cheesy as a self-help book recommendation is, you may want to check out The 5 Love Languages. It sounds to me like your love language may be "Physical Touch" (mine is, I definitely feel most loved with cuddling, hugs, sex and general physical contact).

It sounds like your husband and you have open communication, so it might be great on both ends for you to understand/figure out what his language is and for him to understand yours (and how it's hurting you to not get physical affection and how much it means to you).

Having sex you don't enjoy for someone else's pleasure is bound to become a chore, as you're experiencing.

> But I want it, I just want her to listen to me and do what I need her to do

Why is she unwilling to do what you need to orgasm and enjoy sex too?

I'd be hesitant to advise staying with someone who is unwilling to make sex fun for you too. It's selfish and that rarely works out well.


> I was sexually abused from the age 6-9 and it really stunted me sexually so I have very specific things that need to happen in order for me to let loose and be completely comfortable.

Have you seen a therapist to work through this? Recovery and healing is possible and can help you be more free and explorative.

What are the specific things you need and why is your partner unwilling to do them?



There are some great self-help books for people to work through sexual trauma, if you're open to going that route:

Many therapists recommend these books. Some of them have accompanying workbooks, as well:



The Rape Recovery Handbook: Step-by-Step Help for Survivors of Sexual Assault by Aphrodite Matsakis

​

The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by Wendy Maltz

​

Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma by Staci Haines

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The Courage to Heal: A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse Laura Davis & Ellen Bass

​

Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child Laura Davis

​

Coming Home to Passion: Restoring Loving Sexuality in Couples with Histories of Childhood Trauma and Neglect by Ruth Cohn

The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk

No one should have to go what you did. If my STBX had a younger twin sister, you married her.

I am so glad you are getting out. Save this post somewhere because you will want to occasionally remind yourself what you were going through, when you start to forget the bad stuff and think maybe it was not so bad. Right now it looks like you are in emotional turmoil but at least you are breaking out of the fog. You also might find http://psychopathsandlove.com/how-to-never-get-involved-with-an-abuser-again/ useful. You already found /r/raisedbynarcissists so you might also want to visit /r/bpdlovedones

Since you have recognized codependent behaviors in yourself, you can use the advice in No More Mr Nice Guy (there is a pdf you can browse first) to work on that.

Two useful books on your upcoming divorce:

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family

I am about a year ahead of you, and my head is a much better place now. You can do it.

This is a classic and long-term DB. I just thought about sharing with you a new book, [The New I Do: Reshaping Marriage for Skeptics, Realists and Rebels] (http://www.amazon.com/The-New-Do-Reshaping-Marriage/dp/1580055451), by Susan Pease Gadoua and Vicki Larson. There are others listed on the right as well.

If you're seeking to opt out or open up your marriage, such info could be helpful. If you stay you could have a discreet and open marriage. You're being 57, married for 25, your sexless situation is beyond repair. You could stay though for the kids.

The book challenges readers to consider alternate marital agreements in a world where married people are in sexless marriages, more couples are having children out of wedlock and about half of all marriages end in divorce. “Rather than continue to encourage people to cram themselves into an old model that isn’t working for many — about one out of two marriages ends in divorce — we want to acknowledge what’s already happening and encourage you to think about new ways to marry,” the authors write. It offers up seven models of alternate marriages for modern couples to consider. Reading the reviews on amazon could be enough.

I second u/LesGHOW advice for counseling. But I also found the books:

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love

and

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship helpful too

Time for him to read "Shes Comes First" http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260

If you want to work on it is there any way you could talk up his manhood if he would make you feel more like a woman and help you to orgasm more often.

I would LOVE to be able to go down on my wife more. Maybe taking this tact might help.

Any possibilities with alcohol abuse on her part? My ex would turn away from kisses so that I could not smell the wine on her breath, she also kept general intimacy at bay for the same reasons.

I suggest focusing on yourself for a bit in order to pull it together. get a counselor for yourself first. You need to turn that porn addiction into a running addiction or something like that. Best bet is self improvement mentally and physically and then work in some couples counseling after you have had a few sessions yourself.

Here are a couple of book suggestions:

http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Adult-Relationships-Mindful/dp/1570628122/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1369773610&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+be+an+adult+in+relationships

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1369773641&sr=1-1&keywords=the+five+love+languages

You and her should take the online 5 Love Languages test today, have that handy for your first session with the counselor.

Cupid's Poisoned Arrow by Marnia Robinson.

This book argues that we have two biological programs, bonding and mating, and that bonding leads to stable relationships while mating pushes us to always look out for novel and better partners. According to Marnia, the biological trigger that causes us to look for new partners is sexual satiety, so the more passionate and orgasmic sex we have with a partner, the more likely we'll get to a point where we feel fed-up and want somebody new.

Marnia's solution to this problem is karezza, bonding-based sex without orgasm.

Pros of this book:

• The observation that orgasm causes division rings true with a lot of people who have carefully observed their emotions after orgasm, so there may be something to her viewpoint.
  
  
• If her viewpoint is correct, then karezza is likely the only approach to long-term relationships that is largely effort-less. If long-term relationships are inherently instable (a lot of evidence speaks for that), and if orgasm causes this instability (some evidence speaks for that), then removing the cause of the instability is the easiest fix for the problem. Any other approach is more difficult because it constantly has to work against the cause of the instability.
  
  Cons of this book:
  
  
• Frankly, the book is not that well written. She could have used a copy-editor. In particular, it is too wordy and doesn't always get to the point.
  
  
• Her proposed solution, orgasm without sex, will be too alien for most people to even give this a serious try.
  
  
• Most of the material in the book is available online, at reuniting.info and on her blog. The only piece of the book that can't be gotten elsewhere is the "ecstatic exchanges", a three-week program to test-drive bonding-based sex.

Even with considerable effort, you are not likely to regain the spark.

If she was very open and still a decent sex drive, but was basically bored with the relationship, it's possible with things like open relationships and swinging, all of that new relationship energy translates over into the primary relationship, sort of rekindling things. Sometimes just doing more exciting things with a partner can make this happen temporarily.

But this all presupposes that she has any drive at all. It's harsh to accept this. What sucks is that was that if she was with someone else new at the moment, it's more than likely that she would have drive and desire - for a little while. Then it would wane again. It probably isn't you, but more of the familiarity of you. I'm not saying this to be cruel, this is part of the problem I have.

What you are driving at is that some people are not wired to want sex except with what is novel and new. That's part of what monogamy difficult. If, without consequence you could have sex with someone hot and new would you? Of course, that's what we're designed to do. The problem comes into when you are with someone long term. If your partner isn't actively trying to make things interesting, it won't work. And if she has zero drive, well - I don't know how you start from this.

But I would still attack some potential physical problems to try to increase drive. If she isn't working out, she probably should try exercise. If she's on hormonal birth control, get off of it. Have her get a physical to see if there is anything seriously wrong. My wife had Lyme Disease diagnosed recently, which messes with libido, it really could be anything. Eat better, be healthier. These aren't bad things to do for yourself anyway.

I've heard good things about "Mating in Captivity", which seems to be about what you are talking about from a relationship perspective, but I have not gotten a chance to read it yet.

http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333998652&sr=8-1

Best of luck.

Resource dump:

Typical sex frequency for couples your age is weekly. With lots of variation. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/FAQ.html

Responsive desire. She may not be the initiator of sex, and that is a common and normal thing. http://www.thedirtynormal.com/2010/02/27/do-you-know-when-you-want-it/

Married man sex life. You are in the demographic, check it out. http://marriedmansexlife.com/take-the-red-pill/

Tools for talking about your needs, especially the hobby thing: http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800719387/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1344961559&sr=8-1&keywords=his+needs+her+needs

Last, how old is the infant? Still nursing? Remember that infancy passes, nursing finishes, and things get better.

It's tough, but I think LL partners caring for a baby deserve extra slack and care.

Whatever you decide to do just ensure that she is your first priority when ever she needs you. And ensure you spend as much quality time with her as possible. I certainly could not advise you in this situation. Who knows tho, maybe she would be happy for you to find sex outside the marriage, if you do it right. Perhaps it would be one thing off her plate rather than another thing on it. I would recommend reading The Ethical Slut BEFORE heading down any path that could change your relationship:

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

DB situations can be temporary or can change. Just as there are many reasons for a DB situation to develop, there are many reasons why/how they can be solved. Esther Perel's book, Mating in Captivity contains a few anecdotes of such successful turnarounds.

Now, about your specific case... "Trying" is all well and good, but if you (as a couple) don't understand why your sex life dwindled, if you don't address the "root cause", simply "trying" could be futile. Truly solving your problem requires desire to return to both of you. Blindly trying might work... or not.

He definitely sounds uninterested in talking about things. Most men are. I've just started a book called How to Fix Your Marriage Without Talking About It and it's pretty interesting.

Basically, the harder you try to connect or get close to him, the further he pushes you away. You're working from a place of fear and anxiety, and his motivations for treating you the way he does come from shame. Most of this is subconscious but it affects the way conflict plays out.

With your husband being ill, you being his caretaker and the main breadwinner, it's very likely he's coming from a place of shame when he makes those jokes and withdraws from you. Subconsciously, at least, the most important things to a man are being a protector, a provider and a lover. He's failing at all three right now, so he's in a bad place mentally and it's spilling over into your relationship.

You've been so strong for him and your family and it sucks to hear that basically, you're gonna just have to keep being the strong one, but that's pretty much the deal if you're going to stay.

I totally understand how frustrating it is when you truly believe that the solution to your perceived problem is: more talking, more dates, more closeness and affection. That makes perfect sense in your brain. Those are the things you feel are lacking, so you figure you can just keep pushing for them, asking in different ways and eventually he'll "get it."

He won't. You'll keep banging your head against the wall, so maybe it's time to change your approach.

Did you ever have a good sex life with her?
If so, what changed? Lost the NRE, moved in together?

There is a theory that when men bend over backwards for women it makes you less attractive. Most women are not turned on by you being a door mat.
There's a book that is a really easy read that goes into detail about how to stop bending over backwards for your lady and start taking care of you, how to have a balance of power in your relationship.

Right now you are giving her all your power. And honestly you are rewarding bad behavior. Why would she change when you are killing yourself to make her happy?

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW

I think a lot of men believe that you have to either be super nice or you are an abusive jerk. There is a middle ground of being assertive and having appropriate boundaries.

If you never had a great sex life, it could be that she is low libido or asexual or she has suffered trauma or she is a lesbian. I think it's worth giving that book a try and see what happens.

It is a standoff. She resents you for emotionally neglecting her, you resent her for sexually depriving you. You don't want to do anything because it doesn't feel natural or authentic. How does it get authentic when it comes from a place of score-keeping and resentment? It may feel awkward and forced in the beginning, but as you get more comfortable and used to expressing yourself and being affectionate with her, maybe it will get easier.

[Since you said you don't like talking...] (https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_3/136-4451667-9163925?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=CZ0Y20QEK00JA1FRSQ23)

[Oldie but goodie] (https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI/ref=pd_aw_sim_sbs_351_of_7?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EWWR2K9HFR8XJGSX0DGR)

[This is a lot of work, but you have to do it together and it might bring you closer] (https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0553447718/ref=sspa_mw_detail_0?ie=UTF8&psc=1)

[I haven't read this one, but I've read something else with a similar idea (the writers were an English couple but goddamnit I can't think of the title), and maybe you can try the suggestions] (https://www.amazon.com/1001-Ways-Be-Romantic-More-ebook/dp/B004MME71K?keywords=english+romance+couple+ideas&qid=1537541693&sr=8-3&ref=mp_s_a_1_3)

I utterly agree with this comment.

I would say that 20% of the comments in here are from deeply bitter people (curiously almost all the really bitter people are male). When I see someone's comments starting to talk about marriage as a "contact", how their partner is failing in their contractual obligations and you should dump their sorry ass I think "with that kind of self-entitled attitude I wouldn't have sex with you either".

A book I've seen mentioned in here is the The Four Agreements -- or The Fifth Agreement for what amounts to a rehash in less time. Once I was able to look past the new-age vibe, I found it a really helpful reminder that you've never really known another person's experience and that LL partners have just as much right to live their life as you do. Sure there are some flat out selfish people about, but most LL partners are just trying to cope with what life has dealt them -- just as you are.

The other book I found helpful was Passionate Marriage. This is not going to be applicable in everyone's situation, but helped me in a big way to not take my partner's behaviour personally and to understand the emotional dynamic that was at play in my relationship.

Acts of service, then.

[The Five Love Languages] (https://www.amazon.com.au/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts-ebook/dp/B00OICLVBI) is a bestseller for a reason.

I've had a girlfriend for six months now. We had an open relationship for the last three years. Even back then we realized there was something missing, and we needed to explore beyond out marriage.

Even if you two never go down that path I highly recommend you and your wife read "The Ethical Slut". It might open some doors between you two that you didn't realize you had.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375473731&sr=8-1&keywords=ethical+slut

You would probably find this book to be interesting.

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_krevxbFZJK1B3

Personally I found this book to be more enlightening.

Many people recommend a book called The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it but the gist of it is that we all have different ways we communicate our feelings to each other. For people such as myself (and perhaps you as well), physical intimacy is how we show our partners that we love them. However for some people it's different - they show their emotions through acts of service or other means. So it's quite possible that your husband shows his feelings for you in other ways, but because it's not physical intimacy it's not fully reaching you. A miscommunication, if you will.

You're assuming that he has a sex drive. And that if it's not directed at you, it means it's directed as someone else, or you're doing something wrong. These are all nothing but assumptions. They might be true. But then again, they might not be. It's important to talk to our partners and see where they are. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and say your assumptions aren't true. Again, you have to stop assuming he has a sex drive. He doesn't function the same way you do. You may not be speaking the same language but you're still trying to convey the same message.

So accept him for who he is. It's an important first step in freeing yourself from the blame. From thinking that you've done something wrong, or failed in some way.

This is actually a well-known phenomenon. It is explained in this book.

www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

Free pdf download: http://www.mediafire.com/view/bmw4kun0nwbaoaa/Cupid%2527s_Poisoned_Arrow.pdf

> "Passionate Marriage"

Which book is this exactly? And is there an audiobook version?

I think I found it here: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0393334279/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_bPJvzbE0T1ZZZ

But there is also (same author, very similar title):
https://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Passionate-Marriage-Fulfillment-Relationships/dp/B00PUROQ2Q

audible.com seems to only have the 2nd one. but this seems to be the first one (right?) http://passionatemarriage.com/Passionate_Marriage_mp3

Yes, this is referring to a book. I've read it. It goes through a lot of detail of female anatomy and female sexual response. Then it gets into some specific techniques for oral sex on women.

The book also recommends that the man provide the woman with an orgasm (or more) before having one himself. It sounds like you strongly agree with this approach, as do I.

However this is a subreddit that is all about sexual dysfunction or loss of desire. When you're not having any sex at all, someone stating that they have (at least) 3 orgasms per encounter is going to be a painful reminder of what you're missing.

In my case I used to be able to make my wife cum consistently from PIV, and she would have at least one orgasm before I did. Sometimes I could get her going into a sequence of multiples. But for reasons unexplained she decided that she doesn't enjoy sex and really never did. So now I have sex with someone else, and she gets to have one (or more) orgasms before I do.

LL can be a case of Mating in Captivity.

Best thing is to talk to him. If you have trouble doing that, go see a therapist even if he won't come with you.

https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641

Please read this book

In case anyone ends up here looking for information on how boundaries work in a relationship, these books are very informative:

• Boundaries and Relationships
  
• Passionate Marriage
  
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Done. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0393334279/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_bPJvzbE0T1ZZZ

While you are at it, buy this book and try to learn from it:
https://www.amazon.com/Wired-Love-Understanding-Attachment-Relationship/dp/1608820580

Your description reminded me of something. This isn't it -- the book I was thinking of is still stuck on the tip of my tongue -- but it turned up during my googling, and according to one review, there are even 7 marriages in it: https://www.amazon.com/New-Do-Reshaping-Marriage-Skeptics/dp/1580055451/?tag=wwwbelladepau-20

Oh, no problem! I started with Rekindle his desire and then read No more Mr Nice Guy.

So this reading suggestion is from the sidebar.

And also try Mating in Captivity

Relationships will always have ups and downs, but no, they don't have to go downhill.

It's the Trauma. Get marriage counselling ASAP. Make sure the therapist is trauma informed. Somatic and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) would be key words to look for. Your wife has a brain injury. Check out The Body Keeps the Score and Supportfor Partners:
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
http://www.supportforpartners.org/

She does sound unsavable and it is not your responsibility to change her. However, you need some help man. You have been through a lot. You need to unpack that and heal before you jump into ANY other relationships.

Old trauma can and does cause illness. The general rule is that if something that happened more than 18 months ago still makes you angry, still makes you cry, or still makes you afraid, then you have not resolved it and it is not in the past – even if you never think about it consciously.

So here’s what you do: start at the beginning and Think about memories in your life. When you get to a memory that causes strong emotion, write it down. After you’ve made your way through a few pages of memories, look over each one of them. Figure out what went wrong. Sometimes we hold on to pain just because we were young and misunderstood what was actually happening. Work those ones out. Sometimes
We went through truly unacceptable events.

Your mind holds onto memories in order to prevent pain in the future. So it’s important that you look at what happened, acknowledge the horror, and try to figure out what you need to learn from the situation to prevent it from happening again. Going over this a few times should make the memory no longer hurt you.

It might mean hours of crying, but eventually it will be freedom from the past. Sort of diy therapy. The body keeps the score https://amzn.to/2Wyl4R3 explains how illness can be caused by trauma and may be helpful to you.

I'll start with this: So many women, including myself, HAVE HAD THE MISFORTUNE of having had miserable sexual relationships with a man-child who was willfully ignorant and selfish in bed. I suggest that you grow up and educate yourself for the next woman who stumbles into your life, after this one hopefully dumps you, if you don't learn to please her.

Your inexperience could be excused, your selfishness CANNOT. She knows you have very little patience for her pleasure and needs. It's all about you. You're not really listening to her or asking her what works for her; she's having to ask youto care about her needs, as if it's a chore. She wouldn't just lie and say you're "not trying enough" if it weren't true. You're obviously not really paying attention when she does try to show you with her own hand. You're just, literally, going through the motions, moving your hand repetitively (maybe even too roughly which is why your hand's getting tired), just to say you tried. Poor little you.

Many women can't get aroused or get anywhere near orgasm if the guy is obviously annoyed or uninterested in doing what it takes to give her pleasure. She knows you're thinking she's taking too long and it makes her anxious, and then even less about to focus on any sensations, such as oral. That's precisely why she says she doesn't feel anything when you go down on her. She's probably unable to get out of her anxious head and into the sensations; or you don't know what you're doing because she doesn't want to tell you how. It's fine that you don't know how to please her orally, women are all different. She should feel free to tell you, but she knows you won't remember, because you're already impatient. My guess? You'll go down for a ridiculously short amount of time (less than 10 min, BTW avg time to come is longer for most women during oral), then complain that your:

​

1. Jaw/tongue/lips are hurting 2. you're chafing 3. Neck hurts 4. Just tired 5. "You're taking a long time" 6. Any excuse etc.
   
   
   You've probably already given her the idea that there's something wrong with HER, and not you. I'm sure she makes certain YOU always cum. Right? You've probably given her a complex which is very hard to shake for many women.
   
   Did you know that almost all women need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm? Or that almost all women require a minimum of 20 minutes of foreplay (Look that word up, since you obviously have no idea what it is) before they're even aroused enough for penetration? Hence, even if lubricated, some women find penetration painful if their vaginas haven't become engorged with blood aka erect (like a guy's erection, yes we get internal erections).
   
   So, as she's finally about to come, you just gave up cause you're sweaty? Almost ALL women who get to the edge (unless intentionally ‘edging’) of an orgasm, whose lover then stops, lose almost all arousal, then the whole arousal process has to build up again. Question for you? How would you like it if, every time you were just about to come, she just stopped, and left you hanging? Great, huh? Obviously not, because later in your post, you say you got mad at her, cause she selfishly said it hurt and wanted to stop before you could get your rocks off. I can't even believe you admitted this.
   
   This is repulsive-
   
   "Last time she stopped me because it hurt, I got annoyed because I felt like we were just wasting time. I see her just a few days a month anyway. I wanted to cum and she made a weird face and started crying." W.T.F.?
   
   If she foolishly wastes another minute of her precious time on you, you need to read about foreplay, specifically for women, female genital anatomy and sexual response. Find it in yourself to give a fuck about learning to give her pleasure, learn to enjoy giving it, as much as receiving it. If not, she should dump you and find a decent grown-up man.
   
   And file your goddamn nails. That is, file them, run them across the inside of your cheeks (the closest thing to her vaginal walls). If you feel zero edges, good job. If not, file some more.
   
   Buy this book for yourself. You can't afford not to. It's a good start to learning how to give her oral.
   
   "She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)"
   
   https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
   
   Buy this book for you and her to read together. It'll seem like you care.
   
   "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" (Nagoski)
   
   https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

I've read through all these comments and your clarifications so far. Having been through his situation I'd say the tears are much more damaging than some give them credit for. He doesn't want to damage you emotionally. It makes a man feel like a failure (no man at all) and an abusive monster. I'm not overstating that.


When he says he is working on it that probably means he is working on his mindset - trying to convince himself he is not a failure. This is where masterbation helps. He can still get hard. That's a success. It also happens to make him less likely to get hard for you on short notice, but that's not the thought in the forefront of his mind. Getting hard is.


He is also assessing whether he is abusive to you. In his mind he abused you as many times as his non-performance has made you cry. How does a man get over that except by becoming convinced those were worthless tears. If they were worthless then how many of your tears have also been worthless? If any then are tears a manipulation? How many times has he been manipulated with tears? I'm not asking you, I'm just telling you the thoughts that went through my head when it happened to me.


When he said he is working on it these are the kinds of things he is mentally chewing on. As you can see though there are no answers short of reading each other's minds. Nonetheless it counts as "working on it". I give him the benefit of the doubt.


What I respond to when this happens is play (as someone else suggested). Head, hands, anything but PIV because PIV is "performance". Let him learn cunnilingus - really learn it. You can similarly study your arts. At some point PIV will follow. Also, if it is play you may find your tears don't appear because it just isn't that serious. The key for me at the time was to remove the "performance" part because that makes failure a possiblility.


While you're at it do get him checked by a doctor. Many men need a glaring reason to go get checked out and this is an opportunity to get it done whether there is a medical issue or not.


I'm probably going to get skewered by the veterans of this subreddit. This is my first post in it and I have similar issues but these are the things that worked for me, for as long as they lasted.