Best products from r/DecidingToBeBetter

We found 68 comments on r/DecidingToBeBetter discussing the most recommended products. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 282 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the top 20.

Top comments mentioning products on r/DecidingToBeBetter:

u/UnluckyWriting · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

u/_sarcasm_orgasm · 21 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

u/windywelli · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Ok /u/ACfireandiceDC, here goes:

I was diagnosed ADD a few years back after I read an account of someone describing their ADD symptoms on a Humans of New York post, of all things.

I read their life story and thought, shit, this sounds awfully relateable.

As soon as I was diagnosed, it became obvious I'd suffered since I was a child, and in-fact my Dad had, too - ADD is often genetic.

In being diagnosed, I was able to start better understanding why I acted in certain ways, and therefore able to start deploying strategies to navigate the challenges I faced.

This included starting on medication, initially Ritalin, but at this stage, I take Dextroamphetamine as I find it's much kinder to me later in the day during the 'crash' associated with amphetamine stimulant meds (note: the effects are entirely personal and vary greatly from person to person).

With hindsight, it's now obvious to me that ADD, and many other similar 'labels' are a general attempt to describe a group of symptoms that can range wildly from diagnosee to diagnosee - what I'm trying to say is that similar to Autism, I believe ADD and other similar disorders are sub-sets of a spectrum.

In my case, and by that I mean my individual 'genetic' traits which are associated with ADD, I suffer from the following things:

  • Performance anxiety/perfectionism
  • Extreme procrastination
  • Difficulty focusing
  • Problems with timings and organisation

    There are probably a few more I could squeeze in, but for the most part that's my slice of cake.

    Now, at this stage of the game, a few years into the diagnosis, I've spent much time and effort reading books, studies, anecdotes and so forth which have lead me to some interesting conclusions (that I have no doubt will continue to evolve):

    Overall, I think most of my symptoms are a manifestation of a type of anxiety, not dissimilar to what I imagine you experience with OCD.

    As a designer, if I can't get something 100% spot on within my own idea of 'perfect', I'll quickly end up grinding to a halt and giving up.

    Likewise, if I mess up a deadline early on, I'll lose all ability to continue, instead, becoming stuck in a bottomless pit of self-loathing and procrastination.

    My point is, I can trace most of my symptoms back to this type of 'anxiety'.

    I think, in many ways, this stems back to a conflict between my self-image and the reality of productivity requiring the suspension of 'perfection' in order to get things done.

    What I mean is: in my head, I want everything I do to be perfect because my ego constantly tells itself that it's special and unlike everyone else - when I look around, I see everyone elses work that seems mediocore and average, and I 'know' that I am capable of so much better, but then when I am working on something, as soon as I faulter and begin to struggle to get it 'just right', I am no longer capable of working and the procastination sets in - perhaps just a sub-conscious defense mechanism against the realisation that I, too, am mortal, and not as 'perfect' as my ego so desperately needs me to be - a form of cognitive disonance.

    As a side note, I've often wondered if this insecurity stemmed from my parents, or perhaps from bullying during my formative years - a question I fully intend on getting to the bottom of as soon as I can afford to see a professional.

    With this realisation under my belt, I've slowly but surely been able to make great strides in the last few months towards something that finally seems like an effective counter-attack.

    When starting a big project, I let myself spend hours, if not days, engrossing myself in the details and getting comfortable with the task set out before me. I find this helps silence many of the 'voices' (metaphorical) before they have a chance to bring me down and derail the train.

    The aim is to understand what I need to do, how I'm going to do it, and importantly, that I can do it, alongside a light but constant reminder that I need to focus on finishing something over lower quality rather than giving up on something nearer to perfection (in my industry, a common phrase is 'Just Fucking Ship It' (ship = launch) and 'Shipped is better than perfect').

    Alongside the effective medication, frequent cardio, no longer drinking alcohol, a good nights sleep, meditation and a quiet, healthy work environment, I'm starting to see real change.

    I'm no-where near the 'utopia' of productivity I have in my mind, and honestly, I likely never will be - that's okay.

    But as someone who has spent literally years hating myself for not being able to command myself into action, the slightest signs of a 'pulse' are incredibly exciting.

    It's taken a lot of effort and time to get here, but I firmly believe that if I can, anyone can.

    If you have any further questions or think I might be able to share some other useful information, please feel free to message me or simply reply here (this applies to OP and anyone else who might stumble across this reply, at any point in the future).

    As much as I hope you find this reply useful in some way on its own, I also want to leave you with some actionable steps:

    If you haven't already, take a look at the GTD 'Getting Things Done' methodology. Regardless of whether you implement it or not, learning the 'science' behind it will help you on your journey.

    Here's a good place to start:

    Then here:

    Some brilliant books I'd suggest are as follows - I'm not great at reading a book the whole way through these days, so I find Audiobooks to be a God-send (mainly Audible):

    Mindset by Carol Dweck

    Switch: How to Change Things When Change Is Hard by Chip & Dan Heath

    Ego is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday

    Principles: Life and Work
u/mofozero · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Heya. Thanks for the post, it was pretty intense but I completely get where you're coming from. If you're looking for advice, I can offer a couple of things.

First is a book that is pretty popular on this sub and I recommend to a lot of friends that have lost their purpose, it's called "So Good They Can't Ignore You" by Cal Newport. It's a really good guide to success and happiness in a career.

Second, you definitely need to relax a little bit. I've been through anxiety and depression and the way that you're thinking right now is a recipe for an unhappy life.

>I have to be immortalized in history. Ide rather be dead than average but I don’t know how im gonna be more than average.

Putting this level of pressure on yourself can only lead to perceived failure, even if you're succeeding. You need to focus more on the "means", rather than the "ends", meaning if you want to be a comedian and think you can, then focus on writing jokes and performing. Don't even think about "changing the world" or being mediocre.

If you're getting stuck in these kinds of thought patterns a lot, then I can recommend another book (again often recommended here):

Honestly, the title might sound corny, but this book has saved and changed so many lives that it's true worth is incalculable.

>there has to be more to life than just having a good time and discovering what everyone already knows exists

There is indeed. Life is experience. The more you get, the more you'll understand.

Best of luck, friend.

u/GrnTiger08 · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I've just finished this book and cannot wait to try the exercises. You could probably find the pdf somewhere online. I can't say much for anxiety but the first "Breaking Free Activity" goes along the lines of:

"Write down three possible safe people or groups that might be able to provide support for you in your recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome.
If no one comes to mind, get out the telephone directory and look up counselors or support groups in the phone book. Write down three names and phone numbers and call them when you finish this chapter. If you are employed by a company with an Employee Assistance Program, this is another resource. If you know someone who has been to therapy or a support group, ask them for information. If you have access to the Internet you can search for 12-step groups or support groups."

The point being that 1. You should let the pain out otherwise you will continue to suffer internally and externally. 2. Searching for help isn't a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength because you are making the call to better yourself and that in itself is powerful. 3. Actions speak louder than words. Some people can tip-toe to better themselves, others must dive right in. You decide what you need to do and then do it, it's that simple but frustratingly difficult at the same time. If you don't think it's enough, go deeper. Ultimately action is what defines what you choose to better yourself.

In regards to not knowing what it means, it doesn't matter. It could be the simplest task to the complex anomaly. As long as YOU know it makes you better in some capacity, then it will make you better overall. Learn how to take any situation and apply a positive spin on it for yourself. You can't be better unless you look for and do things to make it so. Truth be told, you have to get out of your comfort zone ("the anxiety"). I'm in the same boat and am still making gains.

Best of luck!

u/thebuddy · 11 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I have found that becoming happier is the key to achieving more:
(Here's a highly-recommended book about that very topic:

  • Smile more often. Smiling releases endorphins and serotonin. Even fake smiling. Smiling begets more smiling.

  • Start and/or end your day by writing about the positive things that happened to you that day. Many people write a list of things they're grateful for. Personally, I just write about the positive things I encountered each day. I prefer to do this at the beginning of each day. It puts you in a positive mindset to start your day.

  • Start each day with a 'win'. Achieve or overcome something early in the day, especially if it's something you didn't want to do. This can help put you in a positive mindset to start your day.

    Read self-help books. As people, we know very little. Accept that and revel in the fact that you can spend your life learning from other people's mindsets and perspectives.

    Some recommendations:

  • How to Win Friends and Influence People (Learn how to deal with people better. Maybe the Holy Grail of self-help books. Having better interactions with people makes you a happier person and boosts your confidence.)

  • The Power of Habit (Work on building good habits. This book also talks about an important principle, a "keystone habit" - a strong habit to adopt that shows you that you can make other improvements in your life and as a result motivates you to do so.)

  • Think and Grow Rich (Become more motivated and believe more in yourself. Not just about becoming rich.)

  • The Happiness Advantage (Learn more about positive psychology and the power of happiness as a motivational factor in your life.)

  • The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

    I have found that most things I've read in these books are things I already "knew", but didn't really internalize until reading about them.

    You can use an app/website like Blinkist to get the key insights of many of these books summarized for you. I find that doing that in addition to reading/listening to the book really helps you absorb the information better.

u/IGaveHerThe · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Just be careful, it's easy to fall down the rabbit hole of 'thinking you're being productive' but working ON things instead of "In" things. (Meta-procrastination is reading a book about getting organized instead of getting organized.) You should strive to have the simplest, most boring system that actually works for you. It's very easy to get caught up in the trap of researching the latest and greatest fad rather than actually doing the hard tasks that need to be done.

The 'classic' is "How to take control of your time and your life" by Lakein. This is the most generic, 1970s version of time management possible, but is helpful to understand as it is kind of 'responded to' by multiple other authors, even if they don't call him out by name.

Another frequently referenced work is "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Covey. This gets mentioned in a lot of places. It is a 'top down' style.

For a completely different perspective, try "Getting Things Done" by Allen. This will lead you to realize how many commitments that you have made. It is more 'bottom up'.

Finally, some of the most interesting stuff in this space that I have read is by Mark Forster. His latest book is here. And his blog is here.

At a high level, it is always useful to think about the utility of what you are doing - that is, making sure you are doing the right things, even if you are doing them slowly (working on your most important tasks), rather than doing low value tasks efficiently (man, I can read email quickly). Peter Drucker, Tim Ferriss (Four Hour Workweek), etc.

Other ideas/Books to research: JIT/Kanban, 80/20 'rule', "Eat that frog" by Brian Tracy. Smarter Faster Better by Duhigg, The Power of Habit also by Duhigg I also very much enjoyed. The Magic of Tidying up by Kondo might also give you some insight into cleaning out your commitments.

Hope this helps. I have read all of these so let me know if you have questions I guess...

u/kaidomac · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Sure, there's a whole set of books you should read on it, if you're interested Check out "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy":

Also snag "Ten Days to self-esteem" by the same author, which is the workbook that goes along with it:

The core concept of the books are that your thoughts create your emotions. How you feel is really how you think, which is a game-changing idea. So if you are willing to change the way you think, then you can subsequently change the way you feel. The workbook has you go through a week and a half of tracking what you think & then how you feel to help you identify your inner voice & see what you're actually saying to yourself.

It basically shows you how to recognize your self-talk. The thing with self-talk is that it is the voice inside our head that we use to think about things, and we pretty much believe whatever it says. So if fell off a bicycle once & never rode it again and every time you saw a bike, you think we'll that's dumb and I don't want to do that, you can audit that voice and realize that maybe you just need a little bit more practice to get good at pedaling & not falling over. In other words, you don't have to believe every thing you think.

So it basically teaches you how to recognize & control that voice by realizing that that voice exists and that it doesn't always tell the truth, and you can change how you talk to yourself in order to change how you feel. And thus, per your OP, you can adjust your thinking patterns to start improving your life because you'll be able to identify where you are shooting yourself down. Like when you start to do a task and quit, why does that happen? Do you feel bored? Do you feel it's impossible? You can use that inner voice to change how you think about that task and thus change how you feel about doing that task and thus actually push through & get that task done.

There's a cliche saying that your perception determines your reality, but that's pretty much how it works...what you think determines what you do. There's a great quote by Wayne Gretzky: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take". If you tell yourself you can't do something, you can't make the shot, then you'll never try, which means you'll have a 100% failure rate. I saw a poster once that had a great explanation of the domino effect of how you think:

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

So yeah, definitely, by identifying the thought patterns you have, you can see where the kinks in your system are. I've gone through many of them over the years. Stuff like "why am I so overwhelmed all the time & don't follow through on all of my tasks or remember what all I'm supposed to do" led me to David Allen's GTD system. Wondering why I was so tired all the time & had a hard time pushing through hard tasks led me to improving how I take care of my body through sleep, diet, and exercise (although I'm still pretty awful at going to be early lol). Learning how to manage that inner voice, both in terms of not believing everything you think, and choosing to think in ways that will promote action instead of disable action, is a really powerful skill to develop.

u/big_red737 · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Thanks, I'm glad it was helpful for you. I still have a lot of "baggage" to work through, a lot of issues to resolve and heal but this was a good start. Congratulations on your one year of sobriety! That reminds me of another book I've heard about. I'm in the middle of reading a book called Brain Over Binge written by a woman who overcame her binge eating disorder. I'm using it as a starting point in dealing with my own food and eating issues. In it she talks about reading the book called Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey, which is what helped her finally kick her binge eating problem after years of therapy doing nothing. It's actually a book about addiction recovery and just by chance she happened to try looking at books about addiction recovery in the bookstore instead of eating disorder books. This is the one she picked up. It talked about drugs and alcohol addiction but she just simply replaced that with the word "food" in her mind as she read it and it clicked for her. It talks about making a clear distinct separation in your mind and recognizing that the urge to engage in using the substance is coming from the primitive survival brain (same with things like anxiety which does have its place), but that it's the conscious human brain that is choosing to actually follow through and give in to the urge again. The primitive brain does not have the power to make you actually act. It's a bit more complex than that and she explained it better but she was able to take that knowledge and apply it to her eating disorder. I'm trying to use that and apply it to my anxiety.

Also, if you aren't familiar with this yet, you may want to try /r/raisedbynarcissists. I don't really have any experience dealing with that but it sounds like you're on the right track. You may also want to explore Childhood Emotional Neglect and what happens when we don't get that love and emotional support that we need as children as we are learning to navigate the world. It's about exploring emotional literacy and emotional intelligence, recognizing our feelings and knowing what to do with them in a healthy positive way (i.e. handling them properly instead of using drugs, sex, food, alcohol, things like that to cope). I'm slowly exploring that myself (for me it's food and learning how to communicate better). We need to work at connecting the dots with how we behave as adults to our past, recognizing that, understanding how that affects our behaviour, and resolving those feelings. Good luck!

u/Micosilver · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

First, with depression: I found this book very helpful:

About the path: It will show itself, you should just enjoy your life and be open to opportunities.

At 23 I was about to be promoted to a position above my competence level, which I was fired from at 25, which ended my military service career. I had no education, alone. I tried college for two years and failed. I started a process of moving to another country, which took me over 5 years. In that period I went into sales, which became my real career. At 43 I am still learning, improving myself, but I am healthy, have a great family, and I enjoy making 6 figures in sales.

Your job doesn't have to be what you will do for the rest of your life. It is OK to work to support yourself, as long as you have something you enjoy between work shifts. You like music? Make music. Not full time for money, it's enough if you enjoy it, and you find someone else that will enjoy it.

u/go-stop-go · 28 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

As a photographer, my first thought is you need a different lens to look at yourself through. One that is without harsh criticism and judgement, and filled with love and kindness for yourself. That accepts you for you and forgives you for your shortcomings. You are great just the way you are, even as a work in progress.

Some things in the outside world you can change, and some you can't. But you can change the way you see yourself and the stories you tell yourself about you. Imagine a version of you that you love. A version of you that is healthy and attractive and outgoing (or whatever traits you envision). Now imagine what that version of you would do to stay that way. What books would that version of you read, what activities would you pursue, what would you eat, how would you live? Now, you can't change everything all at once, but you can start slowly making small decisions that are in line with the person that you want to become -- because I believe you already are that person on the inside. You just have to learn to express it outwardly. Big, bold changes are great, but the most sustainable changes are the very small ones that point you in the right direction. I'm listening to James Clear's Atomic Habits, and I would highly recommend it for building better habits.

No need to answer here if you don't want, but what are some things you do like about yourself? And why? What do other people like about you? My bet is you are your own worst critic. Maybe even ask some friends what they like about you so you can learn to see the good stuff too. I have no doubt there is lots to like~

u/Tweeters_ · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I'd say you first need to understand that there's no quick fix. It's something you'll need to work at consistently but just start with small things everyday to begin with. Whether that's eating a little healthier, taking a 5-10 minute walk when you have some free time, maybe looking into meditation. Journaling your thoughts would also be a good start. There are many ways to tackle it so you'll have to find what works best for you.

I'd tell your counselor just what you've said in this post. Explain your situation, what your feelings are, and they'll walk you through it from there. Good counselors know how to ask productive questions, allowing them to give useful advice, provide compassion, so on.

Also, all-or-nothing thinking is something you'll want to avoid. Saying your life would be ruined if you didn't do well in school is a false cognition, that's putting a lot of pressure on yourself. If you're open to self help books I'd strongly recommend this one.

Just know that you can get through this. Again it takes consistent effort but it's completely doable. Do what you can to not put pressure on yourself regarding school, talk to someone, and look into building healthy daily habits. You can do this.

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I agree with you. Men don't know better than women, and we should listen more. I think it is toxic to assume we have to be dominant, ripped, assertive and have lots of money just to be valuable to women. You're right on about that. And I think if you want to really listen and understand women go ahead and listen to their words, but ALSO listen to their entire being. Listen to their body language, tonality, choices and ACTIONS. Observation of actions especially will lead to a more clear understanding of what women respond to and what they like.

Also by the way:

This book has many womens most vulnerable revealings. If you really want to understand women this might be a good place to start as the things they wrote in were anonymous so there's no holding back :) Good luck on your journey, and I apologise for coming off as confrontational and aggressive earlier. I think we're on the same page about becoming better people and understanding women more.

u/DummyDepression · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Yep, Visualization did jack shit for me too. I've read many self-help books, and so far the only ones that have helped me were those written by scientists who have researched their field for a long time, and people recommend them, that also had practical exercises in them. Very specific, but that's the truth. Here's a list:

u/graz2342 · 22 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Honestly, there is nothing wrong with you. Speaking up in a group of people is hard unless you are comfortable with them and I don't believe that is the reason you struggle to develop relationships. Sure, if you're confident and witty, then it's a foot in the door, allowing you to start developing a relationship - if you are always on the edge of things then it becomes more difficult.

I was always on the edge of things in high school. I would sometimes try and insert a comment but it would be forced because I was desperately trying to get myself noticed. When you are in that frame of mind, you aren't relaxed and it becomes far harder to contribute to the conversation.

I used to think this was a fundamental flaw of mine until I got to university and developed a group of friends that actually valued me. I felt relaxed around them and my personality started to come through more.

There are a couple of books that I've read that have really clicked with me. You sound a lot like me, so I think they will help.

u/shannonlpostak · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Hey there, this is a really good question. There is a fine distinction between habitual complaining (unconscious) vs feeling your feelings (conscious processing). Habitual complaining goes on and on because it's unconscious. Consciously feeling your feelings allows them to be acknowledged and move through you. Here are a few ideas:

  1. Trauma Release Exercises - even if you don't think you've experienced what society might deem "trauma" most people have. This process allows it to move through you without having to go back and relive the details. Here's the link to the website: and the book:
  2. Have one or two friends or a therapist who is aware of your situation who can be your ally. And who you can talk to.

  3. Byron Katie's "The Work" - this is another great way to really process through your thoughts and feelings and allow them to release. Here is a link to her work:

  4. The 90 second rule - this is based in biology and explained best by Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, a Harvard-trained and published neuroanatomist, and author of My Stroke of Insight. Here is Dr. Bolte's introduction to the 90-second rule:
    When a person has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90 second chemical process that happens in the body; after that, any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.
    Something happens in the external world and chemicals are flushed through your body which puts it on full alert. For those chemicals to totally flush out of the body it takes less than 90 seconds.
    This means that for 90 seconds you can watch the process happening, you can feel it happening, and then you can watch it go away.
    After that, if you continue to feel fear, anger, and so on, you need to look at the thoughts that you’re thinking that are re-stimulating the circuitry that is resulting in you having this physiological response over and over again.

    Consider that you don't have to behave in a certain way to deserve love and friendship. You are worthy as you are, right now today. We are all imperfect and struggle internally. I hope that's helpful. - Shannon
u/purell_man_9mm · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I'd suggest The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. The book contains a full plan for a super effective system that describes a) how to get rid of things you don't need and b) how to organize the things you do need.

I was a minimalist before reading this book to the point where friends made fun of me. I still managed to get rid of 3/4 of my possessions after reading it.

For me the book helped me get past a lot of my psychological hangups around holding onto things, buying too much, and not letting things go. After using the strategy in the book a few times over 2-3 years, a lot of items I previously saw as necessary I later had no issue getting rid of. The author's strategies for organizing the things you do keep work great too.

The book is only as good as your willingness to actually do the steps though. Having this issue with an SO is trickier. It's a tremendous amount of work to get past your own hangups and implement a system that works, let alone convince someone else. You could try going through the book together and doing the steps together (the book has 7 stages of getting rid of stuff, maybe do one per week independently with your own things); not sure how well that would go in practice though. Good luck!

u/Shlonch · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Going through a similar thing right now, while I'm no where near where I want to be, I've made some good improvements. Best tip I can give you from what I've learned is

Focus on one aspect first.

I've found whenever I start to feel like all these things are wrong with me (I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm not attractive), I tend to try and change things immediately. My next day will consist of a completely new minute-by-minute routine, new diet, new attitude, new me. However, the "perfect me" starts to cheat a little here and a little there, "I know it's time to exercise, but another 10 minutes on Reddit won't hurt..." Then in no time at all I'm back to just plain old me. The point is, a lot of change at once can be overwhelming.

If you start to feel that things need to be done right now and you feel like making drastic changes, more often that not, the thrill will quickly pass and you'll be left right where you started. Choose one thing you want to improve first and work on making that a routine.

Think of a stream of water pounding against a rock. It takes time before the rock begins to shape and feel the full force of the water, but it does feel it.

As for the learning to do things, I recently asked /r/suggestmeabook/ for recommendations on a book to increase my general intelligence and these were the recommendations. Currently reading through A Short History of Nearly Everything and loving it.

I know this isn't an all inclusive answer to all your problems, but I hope it helps. :)

TLDR: Focusing on changing too many things at once can be discouraging and leave you worse off than when you started. Read A Short History of Nearly Everything for brain power.


u/SwaggMuffin · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach is an absolutely amazing book on self love and accepting what is. I picked it up after Tim Ferriss recommended it on his podcast.

You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay is pretty much *the* book on self love.

u/ProfessorCereal · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Meditation I think should be the first ingredient. Learning to calm the mind first, then getting to know the mind and why it does what it does would be a great foundation as you continue to build yourself up. Gaining some insight as to WHY you shame and hate yourself can open all kinds of doors for you. Most people just want it all to go away, which is not a long term approach. Keep in mind, this is the long game, so if you are looking for quick fixes meditation will not be appealing. It is a true test of your commitment to bettering yourself. Be up for the challenge, and be patient!

I would really highly recommend checking out some books, one in particular that is very helpful for people in your spot :

It is also important to have support. If not from friends or family, from reddit strangers :)

u/ludwigvonmises · 24 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Habits I'm building

  • Wake up at 6am
  • Meditate every day
  • Practice German for 30 min every day

    Habits I'm destroying:

  • Video games during the workweek
  • Smoking weed
  • Masturbation

    I had other habits in April and May that were successfully integrated/defeated, and I moved on from them (one was waking up at 6:30am).

    I have to give a lot of credit to /r/theXeffect for giving me a consistent manner in which to track progress and hold myself accountable. It's really gratifying to see the X marks day after day after day and TO KNOW that my brain is being rewired to want these things by the new cue/routine/reward cycle I'm enforcing.

    If you want more knowledge about the actual science of habit formation (it helps me understand the why and the how, not just the what), pick up a copy of The Power of Habit - it's actually a very entertaining read as well.
u/RedditAccountFor2018 · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I recommend this book to nearly everyone with anxiety/depression/anger issues. Check it out. Its helped me immensely!

It may feel stupid at first but if you take it to heart, and actually stay committed I promise you'll come out a better person.

u/FF0000panda · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Sorry for the Amazon links, but these books are phenomenal. My goals for 2016 are 1) learn how to find my own happiness 2) get away from needing stuff and 3) read more. I got this set of books as a way of kick-starting my year of self exploration, and if I read your post correctly that's kinda what you're looking for, too.

u/jimboge32 · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Highly suggest audiobooks or if you have chrome on a computer and/or a voice assistant on a smartphone (Siri, Google, etc.) then use the Read Aloud/ Text-To-Speech features for books in the ePub format. Here's some links for these tools:

•Read-Aloud Features: Siri on iOS or Google on Android
•Online Text-To-Speech Program: Natural Reader (Free use for basic voice, sounds a little robotic but it's handy)
• Book Management Software: Calibre (can convert PDFs, Kindle format books to ePub. May not always work due to DRM and content formatting.)

Recommended books:
Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns, MD
(Amazing book for anyone looking to turn their mental health and lifestyle around with the power of cognition)

Mindsight by Dr. David Siegel, MD
(Another psych book dealing with various techniques for improving our mind-body-spirit connection from a neurobiological standpoint)

•.The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
(The book has sort of a cult vibe but the overall message is about understanding who you are in the present and not letting your mind stop you from living beyond your physical capabilities)

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
(Very down to earth guidelines about how to adjust perspectives that focus less on others and more on your own needs)

I wish you good luck and remember that everything you need is already with you.

u/Jordbord · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

No problem, my guy! Okay so book-wise. The two main recommendations are dependent on what it is you're going through, so choose your own adventure I guess...

So for a broad take on what Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (which is what I'm describing above) is with perhaps somewhat more of a focus on depression than anything else I'd go with this:

However if you want something from the same author that specialises more specifically in CBT for Anxiety it's this:

I personally read 2/3 the way through the first one wandering when it was going to go more into Anxiety until I found the second one and just went through all of that myself. But as I've mentioned, the first one introduces you to the concept of CBT overall better. But both books have a handful of techniques that help you untangle certain thought illusions (or 'Cognitive Distortions' as they are officially titled) which cause Depression, Anxiety, OCD, Anger, etc.

As for other recommendations; Maybe my second favourite book is 10% Happier by Dan Harris, which is quite a popular one you may have heard of. Basically about an NBC reporter's journey through the world of meditation, which is also a really worthwhile subject to anyone interested in the upkeep of their own mental health or indeed the mental health of others.

Then I guess the book I've gifted the most and my personal favourite is Anxiety As An Ally by Dan Ryckert which is an account of a game journalist's experience with Anxiety growing up. Honestly the easiest book I've ever read. It's just so unpretentious and candid, genuinely funny at points too. I've found it's been a really nice way to get family members to understand what Anxiety or even mental health in general is. A very encouraging and vindicating read for anyone who has dealt with it.

u/12aptor · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I believe that educating yourself about shame is the best thing you can do for yourself and ultimately others. Read (or listen to) "Daring Greatly" and "Neurosis And Human Growth". These books have lead to discovery which has lead to understanding which has lead to peace, for me. 100% chance they will help you too. :)



u/Iwonttakeitanymore · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Thanks to /r/stopdrinking and this book, I have been sober now for 173 days. Each day now is a new record.

If you want to be sober, you can be! This has been one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

Good luck if you decide you've have enough and take steps to quit.

u/anyideas · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

One thing that helps me break out of this is an idea from Feeling Good, which is a pretty helpful book on cognitive therapy.

Get one of those little tally counters and for every single thing you do that day, even if it's just brushing your teeth or putting on pants, give yourself a tally. By the end of the day, you'll be amazed at how much stuff you did that day, and it'll inspire you to keep doing more stuff 'cause you won't feel like you're a total lazy slob. Even if you end up sitting around watching tv all day, there's always SOMETHING to tally. This helps me break the cycle of feeling guilty for not doing stuff.

u/DEStudent · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Hi: I have some recommendations for your situation, bit I want to ask: do you exercise or do any type of physical activity? The reason I ask is exercise is one of the most under prescribed treatments for depression. Now, that is not to say it is a cure. I am advising you utilize it in addition to whatever the current treatment plan is. Also do you do any sort of volunteer work? Here is the list:

The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Depression: A Step-by-Step Program

The Mindful Way Workbook: An 8-Week Program to Free Yourself from Depression and Emotional Distress
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & ... Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

Lastly and most important: I applaud your desire to make positive changes in your life. Don't be afraid to get professional help, and if you ever feel suicidal, please please please reach out to someone. A doctor, a friend, a stranger at /r/suicidewatch whatever. Don't make a permanent decision about a temporary problem. Keep striving and trying. Best wishes! You can do this ☺

u/Utexan · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Try this: The Feeling Good Handbook

I saw a recommendation on Boing Boing years ago and it helped me a lot. I had a lot of anxiety and a was having panic attacks. I didn't even read the whole book...I just focused on the anxiety section and it helped. I still get anxious now and then but haven't had a panic attack since. It completely changes my relationship with anxiety.

I'd also recommend meditation. Headspace really got me into it although I don't keep up like I should. Probably why I'm feeling more anxious lately!

Best of luck!

u/KolevDarko · -2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I will recommend 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson (

He connects the mythical the ancient with the modern in such an interesting way. Just 10 pages in you will feel like the hero of your life and you will search for responsibility and mature in the process.

This description of mine probably doesn't do it justice. I can't recommend it enough.

u/Aram_Fingal · 7 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Basically, I wouldn't worry about being unhealthily co-dependent in a relationship you're largely happy in and where there are no issues of abuse or addiction. The concept of co-dependence has been co-opted and applied to situations where it's not terribly relevant. Unlike the bloggers of the world, I'm going to admit that I'm nowhere near qualified to dole out this kind of advice, though.

I recommend Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller for more on this topic. It's an easy read and helps you understand patterns you may have seen in yourself or your partners. Also, it seems well grounded in science. The authors continually cite psychological studies, which is more compelling than it sounds.

u/just_another_primate · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

My self-talk was a non-stop flood of corrosive negativity. Like, so fucking cruel and toxic it was agonizing.

I can suggest some things that helped me quiet those voices:

  • Read Feeling Good and do some online research on CBT

  • Keep a journal. It'll help you be mindful of your thoughts

  • Remember that just because you have a thought, it doesn't mean that thought is true.

  • Challenge your dis-empowering thoughts and look for evidence against them.

  • Start each day listening to something from Tony Robbins, Wayne Dyer, Earl Nightingale, Owen Cook, etc. Also read (or read the online summary) of The 4 Agreements, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, the 6 Pillars of Self Esteem, Dale Carnegie, Brian Tracy...

  • Take positive action. I started doing volunteer work, and helping others really helped me

  • Continue to write in your journal.

    You can beat this.
u/kimininegaiwo · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

For anxiety, I recommend The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook. I found it quite helpful.

I haven't read this one myself, but The Feeling Good Handbook seems to be popular on /r/anxiety. I'm thinking of purchasing this next.

u/GenesystemIsDown · 24 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

There's two components to this.

One, realize if you land in a relationship you won't magically get happy. No one thing in life makes everything better. Life is complex and misery comes from a lot of sources. If you're miserable outside of a relationship there's a good chance you'll be even more miserable in one. Also, you now have less time and money. To really understand misery and getting over I'd recommend Feeling Good and The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck.

The second part, let's say you really do want success with women. Or at least to try it out. You're probably unskilled. That's it. You aren't a loser. You aren't a failure. You're just unskilled. Think about it like this. We all have to work to eat and survive. There are dozens of strategies for job hunting, but I've never heard anyone exclaim, "ah, don't worry about it. Just be confident and you'll land your dream job one day". You think about the type of career you want, think about how to build a presentable resume, create a strategy to get the experience you need. Plenty of steps and strategy. Same with seduction. For this I'd recommend Models and asking around /r/seduction. There's a lot of different strategies out there (a lot of terrible along with good) and figuring out what works for you, but the important thing is just realizing it's a learned skill. It isn't fate woven by gods from the beginning.

u/lucasandrew · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

I would recommend The Happiness Advantage. Still one of the best books I've read and really helped me, specifically for putting my problems in perspective.

u/kelmit · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

What you're suggesting is one good exercise from the DBT Workbook. That one has a lot of good prompts for journals.
I recommend it to everyone.

u/fizikz3 · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter


author did an incredibly popular ted talk which is the very short version of this book. I highly recommend this book to EVERYONE.



\^36 million views and counting.

u/whatisinitforme · 2 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

> Some of my reasons behind this are:
a) somebody has already done what I want to do, some people are extremely successful at it, so what's the point of even starting?
b) I can only start if i know what I do will be absolutely perfect/successful
c) what if people judge me or don't like me or what I do?
d) what if I fail?

From your reasons, it sounds like you have a fixed mindset. I recommend you buy the book Mindest: The New Psychology of Success, and read it as a start. It's okay if you fail and are not absolutely perfect/successful. The basic idea is here.

I can't help you with everything, but you're pretty young, and you will get there. For real though, read this.

u/geargirl · 4 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Cited works:

u/spassa · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

u are trying too much at a time. choose one thing only and do it for 4-8 weeks until it becomes a habit. now you dont have to motivate yourself any longer because you developed a habit that doesn't need any motivation to be done. pick the next thing of your list and repeat. this will take his time but will work much better then you current approach.

if you want to read more

motivation is like a muscle that gets sore fast. habits don't need motivation, that's why they are habits.

u/LifeCoachMarketing · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Tiny atomic habits. Don't try to make big changes all at once-- instead go for the smallest possible change. Check out the new book by james clear " Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones"

u/1slander · 6 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Give this book a try. If you want the epub/audiobook let me know. It did wonders for my ability to get up and do things that I want and need to do.

u/OneInAZillion · 1 pointr/DecidingToBeBetter

Rewire by Richard O'Connor

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

I cannot recommend either of these books enough, especially Rewire. It changed my life and completely fixed the way I view myself and the things I do.

u/0xd4e · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

/u/nezxmi call 1-800-273-8255 if in the US and read this book:

And please report back and pm me if you want to talk to someone.

u/johnsamuelgray · 5 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

That may give you a better understanding of this mindset. But going a little deeper, not giving a fuck is just a perspective. It's a different way of interpreting our life as we experience it.

Instead of including what other people think of our actions in our brain processes, we just notice that what we do affects other people, but instead of letting it deter us from what we want to do, we just do it anyways.

Not giving a fuck takes a lot of practice, I feel many years away from truly mastering this, as I feel I've been conditioned during my life so far to give a very large fuck about what others think of me whenever I do anything.

u/monochromicorn · 9 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

Use the KonMari method! I didn't realize until I read this book what 'organized' actually meant: Link

u/MrSamsonite · 3 pointsr/DecidingToBeBetter

I would recommend a method used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), as described in this fantastic book. The goal is to recognize the distortions behind the negative thoughts you're telling yourself:

Write down three columns on a piece of paper: Automatic Thoughts, Distortions, and Rational Response.

  1. When you have one of these negative thoughts (around self image or anything else), write it down in the Automatic Thought column.
  2. Review the distortions above, and note any that apply in the Distortions column
  3. Knowing that what you're telling yourself is distorted, what is a more rational response to this thought?

    Automatic Thought: I got rejected - I'm worthless and ugly and nobody will ever love me

    Distortions and Rational Responses:
  • Fortune Telling: How do I know nobody will ever love me?
  • All or Nothing Thinking: Just because I got rejected doesn't mean I'm worthless - that's way too extreme
  • Jumping to Conclusions: Maybe getting rejected has a lot more to do with them than it does about me - I don't know what's going through their head
  • Discounting the Positive: I put myself out there and should be awfully proud of myself for doing so
  • Catastrophizing: That's a very extreme response to getting rejected - people get rejected all the time, and that's totally okay. It doesn't mean my world is over!

    This approach has been extremely helpful for me in just a short period of time - by identifying these thoughts when they occur and working through the distortions I tell myself, it's become easier for me to catch these negative automatic thoughts and replace them with rational responses, which makes the negative thoughts fewer and farther between.

    A key point is to write out this exercise - not just think through it. It's just like working out, and you need those intentional repetitions to make progress.