(Part 2) Best products from r/DecidingToBeBetter

Hey, I feel you I know what you're going through. The thought process I mean.
Your speech and thought process is so negative. I know you're trying to get help but go back and read your message. I can't do. I have no motivation. I had a shitty childhood.
Stop the negative especially if it isn't even true (look up Cognitive Distortions) or read this several times a week-> on desktop? Cognitive Distortions Worksheet PDF
On mobile -> Click second link: Cognitive Distortions SMART RECOVERY PDF

How to move forward: you need to LET GO of yesterday, and the past.
You need to look at the present and the work towards the future. I love your last paragraph. Look at the difference between it and the rest of your post. Change your wording slightly to the present ie: I have a good supportive network. I have an adventurous lifestyle. I am progressing as an individual. - it may sound weird to say this but repeat some of these 'affirmations' out loud multiple times a day when you're thinking negatively. Eventually they will become true. Look up the law of attraction and self affirmations on YouTube. And write down some affirmations and post them with post it notes around your home like on the fridge, bathroom mirror, light switches, so you can continually read them throughout your day.
Why this works. Our inner critic has been destroying us since we can remember, the negative in our life, the bringing us down every chance he gets: you're lazy you'll never amount to anything / see? You're a failure you can't do it / don't try, you won't fail //
The critic protects us in the short term but DESTROYS us in the long term. Talk back to it with FACT and with daily affirmations "I am human, I am trying just like everyone else, we all make mistakes, I know I'm a good person"


Also look up "cognitive distortions" and re analyze your life and help you with your critic.


Take an inventory of yourself all the things you love about yourself and all the things you don't like about yourself.
Now change all the negative words to factual - ex: I'm fat, I'm always lazy -> I am 210 pounds and my waist is 40". I'm lazy during the day but in the evening I get a surge of energy and clean the house and do my chores.. Just like at the beginning of the book Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay

Next: WRITE DOWN YOUR GOALS
Preferably somewhere you can look at them everyday - a white board or on your wall in your room or office room. Everyday you will see these goals and want to work towards them because they are staring you in the face.
Make sure to make "SMART" goals!
Also, print out pictures or cut out from magazines the accompanying photo of your goal and stick in on your vision board. It really helps the brain to have a picture and be visual.
Everyday repeat these goals. But not "I want this to happen" instead try "I will have a job in my field by September 1st."
Make sure these goals are realistic otherwise your brain will reject these affirmation type goals. Aim for the sky I'm telling you.
The point to these goals and affirmations: THEY WILL EVENTUALLY COME TRUE. EVEN IF THEY SEEM THEY ARE LIES AT FIRST. WE HAVE TO TRICK OUR BRAIN!!
Keep repeating.

Every few days or week. Write down your goals again and see: did your goals change? Have some been removed or added? That's perfect. That's great you're working towards figuring out what you truly want. Heck write down your goals in a notebook everyday with the date at the top. Keep writing your goals down. The ones you want. Eventually the goals you don't really want, you won't write it down anymore. But the ones you keep writing down. That's what you want. So go get it it's waiting for you!!

I recently started my own business and I used to be a lazy guy too. I didn't know what I wanted or what I wanted to do. I felt useless like a failure and with no direction I just felt like a waste.
Now I work for myself running my own business and I'm happy!

Download the app "calm" and listen to the sessions. Especially "letting go".

We are never taught in school about SELF HEALING and SELF PRESERVATION the most important things!! We go through life not knowing how to take care of our own bodies.
Take time to mediate and learn to breathe, learn to treat yourself with respect and with love.

Keep doing these things everyday like I do and get out of your rutt.

Start thinking positive and think big!!!
Some affirmations I tell myself:
"the confidence I need to succeed is within me"
"I have the natural ability to create wealth and success"
"I will earn $5,000 by September 1st"
"I have the positive attitude of someone who never just never quits"
"I will be patient and I will persevere to see my success"
"I will be working from my laptop in bora bora in 2018"
"I am smart and I work hard to achieve my success"

Keep saying your own versions of affirmations everyday and I promise you will see change.

One last thing: the "5 second rule"
Watch the video on YouTube - 6min Version and 21 min version essentially if you have a thought act on it within five seconds your brain and critic come in and stop you from doing it.

"The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step." - Lao Tzu

I saw this on r/getmotivated and I loved it (paraphrase): No one pulls over to help someone on the side of the road waving for help. Start pushing your car and you'll see flocks of people stopping to help you. Help yourself first and others will be there to support you to your success. Found op


I wish you all the luck in your future successes. You don't need it because you can do it.

Oh also!! Use an app like cronometer (phone or computer) to make sure you're getting all your nutrients. Diet is a HUGE FACTOR in our life in terms of our mind. I've read and watched enough documentaries to tell you. Please eat less processed foods and more whole foods. PLEASE make sure your diet is NOURISHING YOU and not depriving you.
And try to exercise everyday, go for a walk, run, play a sport, yoga, go to the gym, bike, hike, it doesn't matter go dancing for all I care. Just get exercise and move!! Get blood flowing!
Wake up early everyday and start with a glass of water and movement. Go for a walk. Eat a good breakfast and start working on a goal. The mornings are the best time for that! MORNING ROUTINE

I hope you take at least one thing away from what I've wrote, and run with it and make the life you want for yourself.

YOU DESERVE THE LIFE YOU WANT. and you can achieve it!! Hard work, perseverance, meditation, affirmation, and eating well.

Go get em


Edit: grammar
Edit2: added links to videos

I agree completely with the premise and the problem, but it seems to me like there isn't a lot of solution here aside from "just do it!". So I have some ideas that have been working for me lately:

1. Read "Unfuck Yourself": https://www.amazon.com/Unfu-Yourself-Your-Head-into/dp/0062803832 This is a good book that looks at the psychology going on behind what OP describes. It helps you reconnect your thought processes and teaches you some Adlerian Therapy (founded by psychologist Alfred Adler) to help you understand why your behaviors do not match up to your perceived goals (spoiler: you actually have another set of goals, with reasons, that your behaviors do match with). I don't do it justice trying to explain it.
   
   
2. Set achievable goals. For me this is:
   
   

• A. Run 2 miles a day with my dog around my neighborhood at any speed.
  
  I track speed but I absolutely do not judge myself for what speed I go, because my goal is not to improve, my goal is to get some cardio exercise and to make myself and my dog happier. Being outside in the sun helps make me feel great. Making my dog happy makes me feel great. Knowing I am doing something to improve and for my body makes me feel great. Giving my eyes a rest from the computer by running mid-day makes me feel great. As a >30 year old cardio makes me have increased energy so that I can achieve my goal B below. I track whether I did cardio each day and try to beat the # of days I've done cardio long term (month to month, etc).
  
  
• B. Do strength training every single day. Do 4 sets of 1 exercise the first day, then increase to 2 exercises the next day. If you miss a day, you only have to do the same amount of exercises you did 2 days before. If you miss 2 days, you only have to do 1 less exercise than you did 3 days before. Keep track of strength training using Momentum app and try to build a chain. Track improvement over time and try to beat the # of days you've worked out long term (month to month, etc).
  
  What I have done here is changed my goals for strength training to reflect what I really need to work on: Building Habit. Sure I want to get strong eventually and that will require 8 exercises 3 times a week, but that isn't going to happen until I build the habit, so my goals need to be geared towards habit building, not optimizing my routine. I should feel good just doing 5-7 minutes of strength training if I hadn't done it for a week. The next day, a little harder, but I did it the day before so I can do it today!
  
  
• C. 5 other simple goals that can be achieved in mere minutes each day: Read Calendar and Quarterly Goals, Take Supplements, Drink Protein Shake, Do not Drink Soda, Drink 2L Water.
  
  These goals, like cardio and strength training, are tracked in Momentum app and assessed over long periods of time with excel. Since I have a tendency to make excuses, I purposely chose easy goals that can be done in mere minutes. By creating an environment where it is difficult to make excuses, I can build the habit of not making excuses. In the future I will have a habit of not making excuses and I will then be able to set more difficult goals.
  
  TLDR; Recognizing that you need to unite yourself and stop feeling inner conflict and divide is a powerful first step, but inner-change won't be achieved at the click of a switch. You need to change your environment and goals to facilitate inner-change given the circumstances of division. These environmental changes should minimize the feelings of conflict and replace those feelings with positivity, good habits, and progress to physical health. e.g. Set goals: Run with your dog at any speed each day. Do a little more strength training than day before each day. Track a few very simple daily goals and watch your progress over time.

Here you go:

The NUMBER ONE thing that helped my BPD tendencies was meditation, which I did as part of getting sober. It allowed me to find a pause between the emotion and my reaction. I still FEEL the same shit I used to - but I do not feel controlled by it any longer.

My favorite meditation teacher is Tara Brach. She posts all of her meditations online and on her podcast. Her book 'Radical Acceptance' was a life changer for me.

I also use a lot of binaural beats meditations (you can find these on Spotify or YouTube, I use the Profound Meditation Program by iAwake Technologies).

I have immensely enjoyed Sam Harris' book Waking Up which is about developing a spiritual practice without religion. He has an excellent podcast but it is expressly NOT about mental health, I just think he has a lot of great perspective to share.

Susan Elliot - Getting Past Your Breakup - this book looks like a cheesy self help book but it was awesome. Really really wonderful exercises. I also got her workbook.

Susan Anderson - Journey from Abandonment to Healing - this book was the first one I read, it was very helpful in understanding the science of what is happening in rejection and abandonment. This was useful because it allowed me to see my reactions were very, very normal.

Vicki Stark - Runaway Husbands - very specific book about men who walk out without warning. This helped me identify warning signs and feel less alone.

Lessons From The End of a Marriage - this blog is from Lisa Arends. Her story is hard to read. But this is the best divorce blog I've ever read! Such wonderful advice here.

Glennon Doyle Melton - First the Pain, then The Rising - I watched this every single day for a month. For a while, it was the only fucking thing that got me out of bed.

Overcomer podcast - hosted by a woman I met in one of the support groups, just lots of great insight on abandonment recovery.

Attached - great book on attachment theory

DBT Workbook - this is a GREAT resource on how to build distress tolerance and skills to face a lot of BPD type issues. DBT was a therapy style designed for BPD.

Edit to add: Forgot the best one!

Pema Chodron - When Things Fall Apart - Pema is a buddhist nun and I absolutely love her. She became buddhist when her husband left her. This book is incredible. So much wisdom! I always carry my Pocket Pema with me, literally Pema is THE BEST! She also has a lot of recorded talks that I find so calming to listen to.

It's not too late. Although I got a degree, my first few jobs didn't require one and I didn't "use" my education. By my mid-twenties, like you, I felt like I had gone down the wrong path and wasted my career up to that point. At that time, I regretted the jobs I had taken and experience I had gotten because I didn't feel fulfilled by the work and I felt like it was "too late" to make a change...even though I really hated the work I was doing.

Somewhere around 27, I stumbled on a book called Strengthsfinder 2.0 which is about discovering what you're naturally good at, what you're "wired" to do. After I took the assessment and discovered my strengths, I realized that I had been unfulfilled because I had been working jobs that didn't need any of the things I was good at. I realized I could continue flailing in my career, or try to pivot to something that used my strengths.

That year I left a good, comfortable, well-paying job, moved across the country, took a paycut, and got my foot in the door at a well-respected company with future growth and opportunities. It was extremely challenging for a few years, but it's the best decision I made.

Here's what I would say:

—Start with self-awareness: learn everything you can about yourself, what makes you tick, what you love, what you're good at, what makes you different than others. I've recommended Strengthsfinder 2.0 to literally hundreds of people now. Myers-Briggs gets some hate, but I've found it very helpful in understanding my personality style (how I get energized, whether I'm more idealistic or practical, relational or task-oriented, planned out or open-ended. Knowing yourself helps you make better decisions about your career. The job may look great on the outside but if you know you'll be miserable because you know yourself better, you can avoid sucking and getting fired or (worse) being just good enough to keep the job you hate for soul-sucking decades.

—Develop yourself: learn everything you can about anything that interests you. Libraries are free. Most people stop reading after high school. It's pretty dang easy to overtake your peers (even those with a degree) if they've decided to stop learning. It's not about "beating" someone else, it's about becoming the best version of yourself. Books, podcasts, YouTube, Khan Academy, Udemy, Codecademy...there's a thousand free resources. For about five years, I didn't own a TV. I'm ok with "missing out" on the water cooler conversation about the latest awesome TV show because I was reading a book last night.

—Get comfortable with uncomfortable. Most people prioritize comfort over all else. As a result, they inadvertently avoid growth and struggle to do or become anything more than what they had available to them at age 18 or 22 or whatever. They (to paraphrase Robin Sharma) live the same year 75 times and call it a life. Choose growth and you'll almost never regret it—even if you fail in the short-term, you learn long-term.

Looking back over the first ten years of my career, I had no clue what I was doing. I really was lurching from one thing to another, trying to find my way. I think that's a perfectly normal thing to do in your 20s. For most people, by their late 20s-early 30s they've either developed self-awareness and steered their careers to areas of skill and strength...or they've fallen ass-backwards into what they've always done, might not be too good at, but are to afraid to risk it on something new.

If you prioritize personal development and self-awareness, you'll look back as this season as a necessary part of your personal story. You'll actually be thankful for the struggle. You'll be a better version of yourself because of it. You can do this.

23 M fresh out of college, did something very similar and am in a similar situation, except I’ve decided that getting her back isn’t my goal. At this point I have too much respect for her and myself to go down the selfish path of trying to get her back. I’d start exploring the idea of getting better for you and you alone and a better woman will come along one day, or not, and that’s what I’m learning to be okay with.

I’d HIGHLY recommend this book it is a very easy read(grammatically speaking) that hits very very hard. This is an amazing way to baseline where you’re at and figure out what needs to be worked on, chances are there’s plenty stuff you’re unaware of.

On top of that, some standard ways to jolt your body to support your mental progress: exercise, eat clean, meditate, sleep more, drink less, etc. if you’re not doing this any mental progress you attempt to make will be much more difficult. There’s some amazing correlations behind changing your bodily habits and the positive changes in thoughts and emotions.

Don’t go crazy, though. Lift for an hour 3-4 times a week, do some free YouTube yoga on your rest days, and get good sleep. If your job allows it, start implementing a sleep schedule to help manage your time. All these little things have a way of building up and impeding the progress we really care about, make the effort to “automate” a lot of those fundamental processes and you’ll put yourself in the best position to effectively make emotional and mental progress through meditation or whatever other therapy you seek out.

Good luck, feel free to PM me about more stuff I’m in a similar boat as you

Edit: also this book is another essential for being emotionally mature. Understanding Attachment Theory will make your dating life much more manageable

I will try to help:

1. Try to focus on how much she is enjoying it and you will ignore your own issues. When things are better, remember to enjoy it yourself at some point.
   
   
2. I still have this problem. Its less now, but hasn't fully gone away. I put my fingers in my ears during take off. I take 2x paracetamol before as well. It helps, but its always a little bit there. For the rest of the flight, try to focus fully on something else like a book or a movie.
   
   
3. Get very strong probiotics to help soothe this down.
   
   
4. Practice stoicism. I really like this book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=joy+of+stoicism&qid=1572033849&sr=8-3

To expand on the exercise/lift advice:


Strength

---

Buy Starting Strength and/or check out their wiki, their videos and the Art of Manliness playlist for Starting Strength. I personally also recommend some core work each session. Try progressing from 3 sets of 90 second knee-planks, to full planks, to 3 sets of 15 hanging knee lifts to hanging leg lifts and ab roller work.

Once your 1 rep max for the main lifts reach intermediate level or your progression starts to stall after at least 3-6 months, switch to Candito's 6-week Strength Program. You can calculate your 1 rep max via exrx's handy calculator.



Endurance

---

Try the Couch to 5k running program. They also have a free app for iOS and Android. You should be able to run a 30 minute 5k in 2-3 months.


The lifting takes 3-4 hours a week. The running takes 2 hours a week. You'll get great results.

Correction* "The philosophyBook : Big ideas simply explained. "

Very easy to read. Every known (mostly) philosophers ideas chronologically summed up in a page each with helpful pictures. Will help you to understand some of the bigger ideas and questions the human race has faced and still facing today. Heavily religious in the early years its interesting to see how it has branched away with modern day science answering some of the earlier philosopher's questions.

Check this out: The Philosophy Book: Big Ideas Simply Explained DK Publishing Do... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0756668611/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdo_t1_jsSZBb8V431QT

Easy solution! Luckily for you, David Deida wrote another book from female perspective:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001HBI6CU/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Maybe you can read this one, and see which one resonates with you the most.

T-Nation on how to lift and other advice. Great book on lifting - Starting Strength. This site and this book on how to eat. Don't just stuff yourself with pizzas, eating well will improve your life more than anything I know.

How to Manage Your Home Without Losing Your Mind by Dana K. White sounds like exactly what you're looking for.

You can get it on Amazon for a few bucks, though the ebook is also on Hoopla (which is free with a library card).

https://www.amazon.com/Manage-Your-Home-Without-Losing/dp/0718079957

https://www.hoopladigital.com/title/12355255

She has a follow-up which I haven't read yet, as well as a youtube channel. But this book is like a 30-day home reset guide, that begins with the assumption that everything is a disaster and you have no idea where to begin.

Keeping a clean house is a skill, not something you're just born knowing how to do. Don't get down on yourself for not knowing how to do something you weren't taught. Hang in there!

I don't know his specific situation. For option 1, read this book: Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Learn how to enjoy anything. You don't have to read the whole thing; Just cherry pick the chapters that seem applicable to you.

Recommended reading.
Be sure to read the reviews.

It is controversial but you know which side I am on :)

Discipline Equals Freedom: Field Manual, by Jocko Willink

https://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Equals-Freedom-Field-Manual-ebook/dp/B06XB9HQMN/

​

I've been in rock bottom for the past 2 years. I just started taking these last Friday & I'm very clear headed right now..

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07KN9XLRH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00KT3H13C/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

​

So... I know you're talking about a sleep schedule, but this book kind of teaches you everything about sleep: sleep hygiene, sleep routines.

​

It may be helpful. It's helped people in my family: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805055479/ref=cm_sw_r_wa_apip_Zo6hM8vePN4Wi

I suggest you read this book and make the commitment to start working on yourself. In the end you are the only person who can do anything about your situation.

I also recommend Flow

Check out the philosophy of Stoicism (the ancient philosophy, not the recent definition of not feeling things). Great book I read is http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421395654&sr=8-1&keywords=stoicism&pebp=1421395657967&peasin=195374614