Best products from r/Divorce

We found 107 comments on r/Divorce discussing the most recommended products. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 170 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the top 20.

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Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs
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Top comments mentioning products on r/Divorce:

u/zandyman · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Hope you don't mind some unsolicited advice.

I struggled with some of the same things in my new relationship that you are, I hope you don't mind me sharing some things that helped when I started to worry about whether this relationship would be any different. I really did stress about it for years.... the feeling of "Well, last time i thought it was great, too" or "I've proven I can't pick a partner well at all" was overwhelming at times, almost leading me to decide that I'd be better off just not pursuing a relationship with anyone, ever.

Here's some things that have helped me get past that fear.

First, make some lists. I'm not really a list person, but these lists helped in a big way.

  1. Make a list of everything about your previous partner that led to the failure. Mine had things like "never put my needs ahead of her own" and "Got mad when I spent time with friends instead of her" and "Overly-emotional responses to little things." Then, think, long and hard, about your new partner, and take a fat red pen and cross everything on the list that just doesn't apply to your fiance off the list. When you have a page full of red, you'll feel a little better.

  2. Make a list of all the warning signs you ignored because you're an idiot. You know they were there, I still kick myself for ignoring them, there were so many red flags that I just walked past, I saw them, rationalized them... in my case "wasn't willing to wait for me to be ready to get married, delivered ultimatums about "now or just go" and "completely freaked out at me for still e-mailing with an ex" and the like were on the list. Then cross off everything that doesn't apply. Another page full of red made me feel better.

  3. Make a list of everything YOU'VE learned that makes you a better partner than you were. Top of my list were "you can't count on someone staying with you because you're married, you have to work to make sure that every single morning the person that wakes up next to you wants to be with you." Also on my list, things like "Some things are just not worth fighting about" and "it's really important that both people in the relationship keep their own hobbies, their own friends, and their own interests." Don't cross these off, just use the list to remind yourself that even though there's damage and scarring from the old relationship, that you also learned a lot, grew a lot, and that you'll be a better partner this time around.

    Second, do some real, tangible things to make sure the relationship feels different. I'm sure some of the things we're doing will help the relationship, but more than that, the fact that we're both doing so much to make sure this is going to work just provides me a level of comfort that we're both committed to making this work and that we're thinking about the right things. They also make me feel, a lot more, like if there were a dealbreaker, that we'd have found it by now.

  4. Saving your Second Marriage Before it Starts is a book and a his/hers workbook that has been kinda cool. It doesn't all seem useful, and much of it seems common sense, but again, much of the value has been that we cared enough to do it, and that through the course of it we didn't find anything that was really scary or too much to work through.

  5. Joint counseling. My fiance and I attend church together (which, on its own is new, and helps) but we're getting premarital counseling from the church. I'm not a 'religion is the fixer for every problem in the world' guy, but I do think a shared faith is important (not that I've had it before in relationships) and I think a situation where we're encouraged to talk about that faith and grow it together can help. However, because the church has a tendency to try to be 'more' than it is, we are:

  6. Getting pre-marital counseling from a real psychologist/counselor. They're very happy with us, apparently most couples wait until the problems are deep and the baggage is piled up and the stress is absurdly high. We haven't, honestly, found a single thing that really needs to be dealt with, that we haven't already talked about and worked through, but the comfort that comes from knowing that we talked, together, with a professional, for 6 or 8 weeks is cool.

    and, finally, simply have the hard talks. Make sure you've brought up all your damage. When we finally decided to make this relationship real, to change the nature from 'right now' to 'forever' we had to open some doors to conversation that I didn't really want open. I had to basically hand her the tools to break me... the things my ex did that eviscerated my emotionally, the things she said that still sit in the back of my brain and burn... she needs to know these tripwires are still there, that there are things she should be able to do or say that won't be interpreted as "Wow, my new wife did this once" but rather as "Wow, my partners ALWAYS do this to me." She did the same. Things I wouldn't have thought would be a big deal (and, really, for most people wouldn't be) will destroy her, and I know why, and I know how to avoid them.

    And, finally, and I don't know if I recommend this, because I hate it every damn day, but we stopped having sex. We'd had great (better than great) sex for 3 and a half years, and I stopped it about 2 months ago until we're married sometime this fall or winter. It wasn't a religious thing, though I am Christian, so it does make me feel better in some ways, but it was because I realized how we were using sex to avoid some things and I wanted us to have some more tools in our toolbox. Sex was being used as "I'm sorry" and it was covering "I don't feel very emotionally close to you" and even, occasionally, for 'I don't want to talk about this stressful thing, so I'm going to start sex instead." We've actually been forced to come up with more ways to connect, more ways to apologize, more ways to comfort each other me when things are going rough, and that's helped too. Plus, as a side bonus, since it was my idea, her friends think I'm the most amazing man in the world, and the 'man club' showed up, took away my man card, and left me with a tutu and a chihuahua puppy in a sweater. Plus, I think the cable company swapped out NFL this fall with Ice skating finals. sigh Oh well. (Plus, down the road, when my daughter asks, I can honestly say "Well, your step-Mom and I had sex some, then realized it would be better if we waited until we were married.")

    Wow. A book full of advice you didn't ask for.
u/LaTuFu · 6 pointsr/Divorce

Whew this got wordy in a hurry. Sorry for the wall of text.

Look at it this way: Both of you did things to each other that were very harmful for your marriage.

I am not excusing what she did, because stepping outside the marriage, even during a period of separation, is not a good idea.

BUT...at the same time, having anger issues and taking them out on the mother of your children is a pretty serious betrayal of trust, too.

You're both carrying baggage right now, and both of you are hurt by what has taken place in the marriage. Now what?

If you want to heal this marriage, you definitely can. It is going to take:

  • A lot of humility. Humility is being able to admit that you screwed up, even in the middle of an argument with your wife, even when your pride is telling you that she's wrong, too, and she needs to be the one to apologize first.

  • A lot of grace. Grace is realizing that she's made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes as you try to repair your marriage. Grace is being able to recognize that neither of you are perfect, and it took you however long you've been together (dating and married) to get here, it will take longer than a few months to rebuild trust, and learn new ways of communicating with each other that are healthy.

  • A lot of forgiveness. You're going to have to learn that forgiveness is a process, it is a journey, not a one time thing. You're going to have to learn that you will forgive your wife for something today, 5 months (or even 5 years) will go by and suddenly something will trigger you and you have to go back to this place and start all over with the forgiveness. And you have to learn to forgive yourself, in the same way, for all of the things you did to your wife.

  • A lot of work. You both built this marriage into what it is today. It took a while to get here. It will take a little longer to get to a new place. Both of you will need to focus on the process, not the immediate results. There will be good days and bad days as you rebuild. Chances are very good that the two of you brought a lot of baggage into your marriage from your childhood. Sometimes you can work through that together. Sometimes you need the help of a third party professional to sort through some of that stuff.

  • A lot of communication. In my experience, most married couples today lack the fundamental basics of healthy communication skills. It is probably the leading cause of marriage dissatisfaction in this country. Our society does a horrible job of encouraging healthy, honest communication in relationships. Books like Love and Respect and The 5 Love Languages can help you learn to work on those aspects of your relationship. It can also help you realize that your marriage is a living, breathing entity all to itself, and it requires the same kind of investment, time, and nurturing that your children do if it is going to be successful.

  • A lot of community. Many people on Reddit cringe when they read stuff like this, but I have lived my life both ways, and I can attest to how much better it is this way. You need people in your life who you can go to and talk about your marriage in a healthy way. Not "my wife is a raging bitch, I need to figure out how to change her" gripe sessions, but rather "I am really struggling with how to change the way I react when she doesn't like something I said. I always get defensive and lash out. WTF am I doing wrong?" If you don't have a friend who can look you in the eye and give you an honest, helpful answer to that question, without judging you (or worse, telling the rest of your friends about it) then you don't have community. Living out your life and your marriage in isolation is another reason why so many marriages fail. We can't do this alone. You need 2-4 couples who are in the same season of life as you are (kids near the same age, you guys reasonably close in age. Older couples who are grandparents can be AMAZING resources, but they can't be your only inner circle.) Where to find these people? I would suggest checking out a local church. Visit a few churches in your area for a while before settling on one. Look around while you're there. Is it mostly older people? Do they do the ritual, stand up, sing a hymn, sit down, listen to the preacher, stand up, sing a hymn, walk out and go home without sticking around routine? Probably not a great place. Do you see a lot of younger faces close to your age? Do they have kids near your age? Do they linger in the common area after the service and talk to each other? You might have a finalist for your home church. If you're atheist/agnostic/not sure right now--forget about the faith aspect for a little bit. Trust me when I say, 90% of the beef most Americans have about organized religion has to do with the people running those organizations and their completely warped interpretation of scripture. If you find the right church, you'll realize you have found the churches that get it right. At the very least, it is something to consider. I've seen more marriages saved through solid, loving church communities than I have through all the "family counselors" in my area combined. And some of the strongest marriages I have seen rebuilt have come from the ashes of an infidelity situation.

  • A lot of leadership. One thing I have realized in the last couple of years, our society and our media have done an amazing job of emasculating men and conditioning us to believe that we're chauvinist pigs if we try to be the leaders of our families. The reality can't be further from the truth. Look at all of our society's biggest ills, and you'll see many of them associated with the tag line "they didn't have a strong father figure in their life." The success stories of Kevin Durant and other athletes who overcame single parent backgrounds are the outliers. We're conditioned to believe that if we lead, we're being dominant and harsh. Good fathers and family leaders are never authoritarian assholes. They make sure that everyone in their family, starting with their wives, has the support they need to become the people they're meant to be. We're not absolute dictators. We're counselors, coaches, negotiators, lovers, shepherds...whatever it takes in that moment. And if we're doing it right, our spouse feels loved, respected, honored, and valued in their own right as a person and as a mate/equal partner in their marriage. And your kids see a man who is the model of what a father and husband is supposed to look like. They'll want to find a man like that in their life later on. Wouldn't you rather they got married to a guy like that? Or would you want them to marry the guy you were when you had anger issues? If nothing else, remember that it's not just you and your wife that are affected by all of this. Your kids are in the middle of all of this, and they don't get a vote in the outcome. They just get to suck up all of the consequences, for good or ill. Trust me, the majority of those consequences are ill. Put their needs before yours right now, if your pride is getting in the way of letting you try to work out your marriage. Your kids will thank you for your humility and your sacrifice later on in your life.

    TL;DR: You're not wrong for feeling hurt and resentful. But don't let that hold you back from making the right decision to fight for your family and your marriage.
u/duhvorced · 7 pointsr/Divorce

[Separated two years ago, divorced a year. One son, 6 yrs old]

My apologies for the wall of text, but this is something I've got opinions and experience with, so it's what you get. :-)

Keep things amicable between you and your stbx. It's great that you're concerned about your kid but in the short-term the best thing you can do for his emotional well-being is focus on getting your divorce hammered out such that you and your ex don't resent one another after the dust has settled. That way, in the long run, he has the best chance of having two loving parents in his life who do everything they can to minimize the impact of divorce.

After that comes figuring out how to work together as good co-parents, which means being able to communicate regularly about what's going on in his life - his doctor and dentist appointments, his school work, his after-school activities, his emotional swings (which are unavoidable), his questions about why mom and dad aren't living together, about new love interest(s) in your life, about one or the other of you getting remarried... it never ends. There are dozens, hundreds of conversations you'll need to have as parents in the months and years ahead. And no matter how friendly you are, no matter how well you communicate, the fact you're no longer able to hash this stuff out as a married couple will be maddening, frustrating, and depressing at times. It sucks, and you just do the best you can to mitigate the impact.

Mom's House, Dad's House is worth a read. It talks about a lot of this stuff. Ideally both you and your stbx should read it, so you have a common baseline for what to expect and how to interact with eachother in the times ahead.

Neither you nor your stbx should ever badmouth or disrespect one another in front of your kid. In fact, don't do it away from your kid either; your kid will figure out how you feel, so set aside any resentment or anger you might have about how your stbx was a failure as a spouse, and focus instead on how she acts as your son's co-parent.

Never put your kid in the middle. Don't use him as a go-between for messages. Don't use him to glean information about your stbx's life away from you. And never put him in the position of having to choose between the two of you. Edit to reinforce /u/IAmA_meat_popsicle's comment: 'Make damn sure he knows it's not his fault'.

Make "what's best for our son" your mantra for how you and your stbx interact. You'll be surprised at how quickly that question clarifies arguments and issues.

Accept that your son is going to go through emotional periods, probably for years to come. Focus on keeping in good communication with him, make sure he's comfortable asking questions when he's upset about things. I'm in the habit every week or two casually asking my son how he's feeling about things, if he has any questions about his mom and I, or about my girlfriend and her daughter. Most of the time he doesn't, but once in a while something will come up. I've lost track of the number of times he's asked why mom and I don't live together. And, no, it doesn't get easier to answer.

When something does come up, don't try to solve his problems right away. Just listen and hold him. Reassure him that he is still loved by both you and his mom.

Edit to add that just because your kid's fears are irrational doesn't mean they don't need to be addressed. When my son worried he would never see his mom again after the divorce, I think one of us dismissed it with something like, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that". What our son heard was, "it's not okay to have that fear", which made things worse for him, not better. Even though his fear made no sense to us as a grown up, we should have still taken it seriously, 'taken the time to ask why he felt that way, and disarm the underlying cause of that fear.

Talking to kids about your divorce is hard though. Which brings me to something that may be a little controversial: I don't think it's okay to lie to children, ever. It's tempting to sugarcoat things, to deny anything is wrong, but (imho) dishonesty makes things worse. You incur an emotional debt that blows up in your face later. Kids are young, but they're not stupid.

Respect your son's right to ask questions and get honest answers. But appreciate that he has a simplistic (and skewed) view of life, love, and family. Just give him enough of an answer to satisfy his needs right now, and leave the rest until later. When my son asks why we're divorced, we answer with, "sometimes it's better for moms and dads to not live together anymore". He asks why, of course, but I've found it's okay to answer with, "I don't have a good answer to that right now, let's talk about it when you're older". He has been surprisingly accepting of this. Maybe in a decade or two we'll get to the why underneath it all, but until then... shrug.

Whether or not you have a talk with your son to tell him you're getting divorced is up to you. He'll figure it out eventually, one way or another. My ex and I didn't do this. My son was four when we separated, too young for a serious talk to be meaningful. And the breakdown of our marriage was mercifully quick. There was only a period of a few weeks or maybe a couple months when things weren't "happy" in our home. So we just treated our separation as "the new normal" for him. He went from having a happy home to having two homes that were... well... separate. I don't know if it was the best approach, but I haven't seen any big down sides to it.

Which brings me to... there will be ups and downs to your son's awareness of what's going on. That's a given. One unexpected [for me] source of this are the cues and conversations that my son picks up on from his friends and classmates. He sees how divorce affects his friends with divorced parents and he emotionally projects that onto his own world. This has happened several times already, and I expect it to continue. Don't think this is going to be a "phase" your son goes through and then it's over with. It's something you're going to deal with for years to come. So just be there for him. Provide him with the love and security he needs to feel safe.

That's what I've tried to do. So far it's working out okay.

Good luck.

u/M4ver1k · 1 pointr/Divorce

I'm late to the party, but I really want to offer my $.02. I get the feeling like you are my wife in this scenario, and I'm in the position of your current wife. Don't string her along. If you can be open and willing to fix it, then you will fix it. If she's desperate to try anything then you don't have to worry about effort on her part, she just needs guidance. You have to be willing to put forth the effort. I'd believe that as long as you are truly open and willing to put forth that effort on your side then it can succeed, and you can start living your life -- with her.

I say this, as a man who has been broke down, shown very little love, and had no guidance. I've asked family, friends, coworkers, and the internet for advice. I've read books and articles. For 3 months I gave up all my hobbies, I gave up all my friends, and I put my 100% into trying to save my marriage because she said she'd give me the opportunity to see what I can do. But she never put effort in on her side, and without HER GUIDANCE I was essentially setting myself up for failure for months. I realized that there was nothing more I can actually do if she isn't willing to even try, which includes giving me guidance to do what she needs. So last Thursday I brought it up in a conversation and she decided that it was best to just end it still, again no help from her side. Don't pity me, this is not a cry for attention. I just want to point out that if you're not going to put in effort on your side, spare her from wasting her time effort and energy. If you want to put forth a legitimate effort on your side into seeing if it's salvageable and start living your life with her (emphasis on living, because it is possible even from a shitty situation), you need to work with her.

If you're going to try, I have recommendations that I suggest the both of you begin with. Read this book. Despite my marriage failing, it has shown me concepts that I intend to follow my whole life. So for that matter, I'd recommend reading it even if you do intend to divorce.

After you read that book, reinforce it with this one. I found that on it's own it's not quite as helpful, but as reinforcement to the first book it just encourages a positive relationship.

Best of luck to you regardless, let me know if you have any questions about what I've done and how I've handled whatever.

u/sunfistkid · 1 pointr/Divorce

I'm in the exact same boat. I'm light years better than I was, but I have my very weak moments (usually at 5am for some unhealthy reason) where I miss my little girl and my wife. I put my little girl first in that list for a reason, because she's my #1 priority right now. That said, I peck this note to you as I sit in a snowed in condo, while my little girl and I watch Pluto cartoons! If you've got any pictures of your ex that you use to nurse yourself with, do yourself a favor and trash them immediately. That will only serve to slow down your healing. Be very cordial and business minded when it comes to co-parenting child, as others have said. On the days you have your child, bathe them in your love, because that bonding time is super precious and will set the tone for your relationship with them (her/him?).

Also, read this book. It's been instrumental in giving me actionable, and practical perspective. That, buddies, therapy, the gym, good food and the love of your child is what you need right now. One last piece of advice: dial back the porn if that's a drug you've used in the past. In my experience, dialing back on that has helped expedite my healing. All the best, and please feel free to PM me if you need a sounding board. When I was early in this process, I had a friend on here that did that for me, and I would love to pay it forward.

God Bless.

u/need_CF_advice · 1 pointr/Divorce

Nothing is wrong with you. It's good that you checked out the 5 love languages. Great place to start. But here's the thing...

It's one thing to have, and acknowledge that you have, different love languages. That's fine. Not everyone understands the need to hear verbal affirmations of love, for example. But the true test of whether he's a good partner is whether he's able to step up to the plate and work with you on that difference. If he knows you need to hear "I love you," and refuses to say it, he's a selfish jerk.

You already know that being with him is causing you pain. He's causing your life to be worse, rather than better. Sure, you probably have your good times, it's rarely "all bad." But overall, his inability to address your concerns, care about and meet your needs, and meet in the middle to make sure you both feel fulfilled in your relationship have ultimately made you miserable.

Step 1: Read this book: How to Break your Addiction to a Person: When - and Why - Love Doesn't Work

Step 2: Get into therapy. STAY SINGLE during this time. If you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men, you need to figure out why so you can break that pattern.

Step 3: After therapy (could be 6 months, could be years, and that's ok, because it's worth it), you have the potential to emerge a happy, functional, healthy, whole person, who relies on herself for happiness. A self-fulfilling, functional person is the only person who can find true happiness in partnership.

It's not easy. The easy route would be staying complacent, remaining in an unfulfilling marriage that makes you miserable. Is that what you envisioned for your life? Of course it's not. But you have the power to change it.

Good luck to you <3

u/newbeginnings1017 · 1 pointr/Divorce

Right there with ya, bud. From 18-31 I was in a relationship all but a year and a bit. Honestly, this is the best part of being single. There are no rules, other than treat others as you want to be treated. I separated from my ex January 2017, but only really became "single" January this year as I was living under the same roof as her last year while separated. Focus on you and your child, first and foremost. Take the time to enjoy being single. Make sure you're connecting with friends and family, take up hobbies, and just enjoy this time. The day will come when you will find someone else, but until then, figure out the life you want and make a plan to get there. Also resist the urge to jump straight into another relationship. It's your life, but generally it's a good idea to work on yourself and figure out what went wrong in the marriage before you get involved seriously with another person. Again, it's your life, and you'll know when you feel ready, but when the loneliness hits it is far too easy to feel the urge to get with the first person who might give you attention.

I wish you luck. It can be scary, sad, lonely at times, but it is SO worth it. Sending you love, brother. You've got this. One more thing; my therapist recommended the book below to me, and I am slowly working my way through it and wish I had found it sooner. Hope it helps.

​

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01CFGRH52/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

u/kriswithcats · 3 pointsr/Divorce

I had never lived alone either, I went straight from my mum's to a friends and then in with my STBX. I was in the house for a couple weeks on my own and now in my own apartment since the beginning of this month. I am a very anxious person. I'm also very paranoid. I got an apartment with a garage. It was more expensive and obviously not possible everywhere, but something like that made me feel safe. A few other things I did: got a taser, got an addalock, got an alarm system (simpli safe, it includes a panic button next to my bed), got a baseball bat and got these two little cheap alarms off amazon ( https://www.amazon.com/GE-Protection-Installation-Apartment-45115/dp/B00178HMCI ) that I turn on at night so if anyone opens my doors I can hear them. Don't know what I will do if I hear it, grab the baseball bat and hide in the bathroom?

I have 2 cats, they are pretty good about looking up if they hear a noise, but the fridge spooks them, so, I don't rely on them. A lot of people suggested a dog, but I'm only allowed 2 pets and my cats would likely murder me. I keep the light above the oven on all night, it's enough light so I can see out my bedroom doorway at night. I don't know when I became afraid of the dark, but there you go. Hopefully I'll get over it.

Before I moved out, I read a lot of articles about women living alone. Everything said get a dog, make friends with your neighbours (they'll notice if something odd happens or if they hear anything), don't do anything stupid, like be alone with delivery men or share a bunch on social media about where you live. I've posted things about living alone, but nothing really outside or local where people could figure out what apartment complex I'm at. not that I think they would, but like I said, I am an anxious and paranoid person.

I'm an introvert, but my love language is quality time lol... so I get lonely very easily. I've had people over, even to just watch a movie, or I go out to Target because it's a few mins away and I just wander the aisles. I've watched more TV than I used to and I do spend a bit more time on reddit. I'm sure I'll get used to being alone soon, but it's hard to adjust. This might seem silly because it doesn't directly have to do with loneliness or anxiety, but focusing on all the advantages of living alone helps as well - like I can buy certain foods without worrying someone will eat them all in one sitting! I can have my music on without annoying anyone watching football... hey, football never has to be on in my home again! I can leave a light on without anyone coming behind me and switching it off. I can have chips and dip for dinner. I can watch dorky cheesy movies without listening to someone's commentary on how dorky and cheesy the movie is. Reminding myself of all those silly little things chips away at the loneliness, which makes me feel more comfortable which makes me less anxious.

So, long story long, for my anxiety, the alarm system helps make me feel safe and I appreciate having the light on in the kitchen overnight. Find those things for you, and do them, regardless of how silly they might make you feel. Hope this helps, sorry for the novel :)

u/SegoviaPia · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Congratulations on the beginning of the rest of your life! Your wife sounds like a NARCISSIST! I know I was with one for 22 years only realized it after he left. You are not at fault nor are you crazy, narcissists are master manipulators. Im happy you did not take your own life, she is not worth it.

 

Here are some resources that have immensely helped me get through my divorce sanely and without hurting anyone nor myself:

Check out the criteria for a person to be considering as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD:

To be classified as suffering from NPD the person must meet 5 of the 9 criteria, I have included some links below:

-[Mayo Clinic] (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/symptoms/con-20025568)

Mayo clinic has a nice concise description

 

[From Halcyon] (http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html)

They provide detailed information

-[American Psychiatric Association] (http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf)

This one take a bit more searching thru.

 


If this is your situation consider reading:
["The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists" by Eleanor Payson] (https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837)
This has helped me immensely navigating through my divorce from an NPD and understanding my life with him.

 

REGARDING YOUR MENTAL WELL BEING:

Go walking, easiest form of exercise and great to help you think and clear your brain. I started walking on my doctors orders and it was the best advice. I also heard from a psychologist that exercise is an antidepressant.

Post on this sub-reddit, just like you did. It has helped me get through the most difficult days.

 


I highly recommend finding a therapist who specializes in [EMDR therapy] (http://www.emdria.org/?page=2).
EMDR therapy has helped me immensely, it is amazing I would go in broken in with in 24 - 48 hrs I was so much better. I can't say enough good things about it.

 


ON THE LEGAL SIDE:

Even if you are going to go through mediation lawyer up. If you do not have enough to hire a lawyer outright see if you can hire one to guide you through the process. Even if you go through mediation it is recommended that you have a professional to provide guidance through the ever changing legal landscape.

 


Best of luck.



u/saricher · 2 pointsr/Divorce

In California, the court is likely to order that you continue to pay for health insurance for the children, but not your wife. In fact, chances are even if you wanted to do so, the health insurer would not recognize an ex-spouse as a dependent.

This is one of the factors that a judge would take into consideration if asked to decide on whether spousal support would be paid and how much, based on your SBTX's proposed needs, of which there is health insurance.

And, in California, you and she are pretty much free to craft whatever agreement you want. If your jurisdiction allows you that freedom, just remember, aim for the agreement you both can live with, regardless of whether you both like it or not.

Good luck!

Stephanie A. Richer

Co-author of "California Divorce: Plain and Simple"

u/tsdguy · 1 pointr/Divorce

Interesting. Here in PA we have Collaborative Divorce (one step up from mediation) where the divorcing parties and their collaborative lawyers meet and agree to have an mutual agreement as to divorce without any court. Part of the agreement is that no information disclosed in the collaboration can be used if the agreement is not met which really encourages people from breaking the collaboration since you'd have to start over with more lawyers.

When I tell my wife we're going to divorce I'm really hoping she'll be rational enough to go through with this. We have no kids and I'm planning on a fair division of assets so maybe.

If you think this might work for you I'd suggest you read this book - The Wiser Divorce: Positive Strategies for Your Next Best Life. It's written by a family lawyer in AZ who really pushes the idea that you need to separate your emotions from the business of divorce and do what's fair and right without a lot of cost or legal machinery. It's a good read.

u/Trying_2 · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Well, if there is a book I could recommend, actually a couple...well..lemme back up.

I read two books recently that I wish I had read way before we started spiraling down hill... I'm currently going through a divorce. One is called "Born To Win" I believe the author is James Muriel ( here is a link:
http://www.amazon.com/Born-Win-Transactional-Analysis-Experiments/dp/0451165217 "

The other one I am currently reading is the 5 languages of love. ( http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1410012176&sr=1-1&keywords=5+languages+of+love )

Fuck if I didn't wish I read these before we got married, there's so much good information and insight on how to love someone and interpret the language of love they convey and speak. We don't always know.

I hope the best for you. Order two copies of both books if you can. Give him a copy and tell him you feel the relationship is in trouble.

Try and repair before you both are in despair.

Best of luck to you.

u/auggieadams · 2 pointsr/Divorce

I don't have a ton of advice, but there are two books I would recommend if you're afraid to give up or just want to try one last time.

The first is The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. It gives a lot of good advice about being able to communicate as best you can with someone like your husband.

The other book is a book called Mindsight. A lot of people think that once you're "set in your ways", you can't change. It makes sense because as we create patterns in our lives, it literally creates patterns in our brains. Just like a muscle, the more you do something the more those neural pathways are strengthened. But our brains are actually very plastic. It is possible to change them. This book gives an example of a man who was very cold, seemingly devoid of emotion. But through meditation and counseling, he rediscovered a love for life. His wife said he was like a new man.

I don't know if these books will help you or your husband, but they might. It will definitely require some counseling and some participation from your husband. Maybe contact Daniel Siegel (the author of Mindsight) or go to their website (see "free resources") and maybe find a counselor through there.

u/Eclectix · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Depending on your kids' age (if they aren't too old for such books), I strongly recommend these books:

Was It the Chocolate Pudding? Helps kids understand what divorce is and that it's not their fault,

Two Homes Helps kids understand that even though things will be different after divorce, it will still be okay and that both parents still love them.

I think both books also help kids feel more "normal" in their situation.

u/bobdawonderweasel · 4 pointsr/Divorce

My wife left last October and I felt the same way you do. Three months out I feel much better than when it started. Like others have said "it's time to work on you". Physical activity will help greatly. This book is helping me now. Hang in there. It does get better :)

u/UnluckyWriting · 4 pointsr/Divorce

I did NOT want a divorce.

It was entirely unexpected - totally out of the blue - and I still do not understand what the hell happened.

We would have been celebrating our first wedding anniversary next Monday. I feel like I didn't even get a chance to be married before he bolted.

I lost 20 lbs. I broke out in hives all over my body. I didn't sleep for literally weeks, when I did sleep I would have nightmares. I cried so much my eyes were nearly swollen shut. It was trauma, plain and simple. I was a shell of myself. Its only been two months since and I am obviously still recovering from it.

But here is what finally broke through the noise in my head: a person who could do this to me - make me feel this way - is not a person I want in my life. He did horrible things to me. He lied, cheated, deceived, gaslit, etc. He destroyed my self esteem. I am disgusted with him as a human. I cannot imagine having to spend my life married to such a monster.

I know its hard to see your husband as an evil POS but that was the mental shift I had to make. I had to release entirely the idea that he was a "good guy" and accept that good guys do not do this. And once I really internalized that, it became clear that I was not in love with my husband anymore - because he was not a good person anymore. and once that happened, the emotion I felt most strongly was RELIEF. Relief that I am not stuck with a bad man anymore. Actual real gratitude that he left me.

The thing is, your husband isn't a good guy either. A good guy doesn't have affairs and he doesn't treat you like shit and he doesn't string you along. If you really get down to brass tacks, you will not want a person like that in your life.

Your kids will survive. I suggest this book as it has some good guidance for dealing with children. It says breakup but the authors own story is one of divorce.

u/mere1709 · 3 pointsr/Divorce

This book promotes healing for women who's hearts are broken due to infidelity, separation and divorce. It is a source of inspiration, peace, and comfort to anyone weathering this type of storm in their life, without working on saving the marriage.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1643498843/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_CH4vCb4QPBN5Y

u/adognamedtensoon · 3 pointsr/Divorce

https://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314

This book! It discusses forgiveness and that not all things should be forgiven (yes, it's true) but how to move on from that and get to a place of acceptance and peace.

u/Rick_Perrys_Asshole · 0 pointsr/Divorce

who are you to decide if it is in his best interest to change for you or not?

Can't you see how controlling you are?

Should I let him change!

Should I divorce for both our goods

Should I be unhappy for the rest of my life

You don't talk like a team player. You don't talk like you went into this marriage understanding that you give up some of your autonomy as an individual to work together to create a new unit, which should be better than the individual pieces

My STBXw had the same attitude, so it strikes a fucking nerve with me.

All she ever thought about was herself, her wants ... let me let you in on a little secret about life... if you only focus on what your needs are and your wants, then you actually get nothing but a big pile of frustration.

If, on the other hand, you focus on your partners needs, their wants, miraculously you will see them also attend to yours. It is called mutually assured satisfaction (I just made that up)

But most people don't follow that rule of life and then end up with mutually assured destruction.

You can walk away from a decade with this person and your marriage but you will soon find yourself in the same situation with not-this-man.

Sure, he has some issues, we all do, no one is perfect. But your lack of ability to let go of some things, look past them, work on the big picture .. that is going to destroy your marriage.

Read this book https://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

u/not-moses · 1 pointr/Divorce

Gonna start with my regular checklist for family members, and then move into some other stuff, understanding that you've already checked some of these off:

Fundamental issues first:

  1. Have a look at the CoDA website to try to grasp some of the interpersonal dynamics in play.

  2. Take a look at these article on the KDT to see where you and they fit on the triangle (because everyone in this culture is on that thing).

  3. Have a look at the five stages of therapeutic recovery to see where they are... and get a sense of whether or not they can move from the stages they are in to the next one.

  4. Are they abusing drugs or alcohol? If so, will they go to rehab or to AA, MA or NA? Because if they are substance abusers and will not go to rehab or a 12 Step program, they are firmly at stage one of the five stages of therapeutic recovery, and the only thing you can do is walk away and protect yourself.

    Advanced issues second:

  5. If they seem caught in the consensus trance, are they capable of understanding that? And are they motivated to dig out?

  6. What financial resources (e.g. health insurance or savings) do they have? Are they sufficient to get them into a kick-start for their problems that may be as (relatively) inexpensive as a few visits with a psychiatrist (med prescriber) and/or a clinical psychologist (assessor and treatment suggestor) and/or a psychotherapist (who has experience with the therapies appropriate for her specific condition).

  7. Will they go to (and stick with) ACA, EA and CoDA to get an at least somewhat educated support system around her?

  8. Will they dig into the information on the Internet, and in thousands of excellent books one can easily find online (there's junk out there, as well; one will need to learn to discern the chicken pooh from the chicken salad), to enlighten her as to her condition and what to do about it? (See all these links: the CBTs including REBT, collegiate critical thinking, CPT, and schema therapy, as well as EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT, MBBT, MBSR, [SEPt]( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatic_Experiencing, HBCT, NARM, SP4T and 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing.)

  9. Will they use what they learn to dig into and do workbooks like these, and these and these and these?

    If -- after all that -- you're where I think you are, the best thing you can do is get everyone else on board with The Facts by reading books like these:

    Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

    Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

    Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

    Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

    Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

    Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

    Naomi Feil: The Validation Breakthrough: Simple Techniques for Communication with People with Alzheimer's (because, Alzheimer's or not, he has to be treated as though he is demented).

    Because there's almost nothing worse than a dry -- but actually untreated -- alcoholic defending himself with the very common distortions of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions one sees in the rooms of AA among the self-righteously narcissistic. He has his defense mechanisms for a reason, and if he is not experiencing emotional pain himself, that reason will remain outside his consciousness.

    You can try the intervention route with someone skilled at motivational interviewing, but based on what you wrote -- and almost 30 years' experience with this sort of thing -- the prospects do not look good for anyone but those of you who do what I suggested.

    Call the police, and run all this down, especially if you have personally witnessed him being abusive and or violent with your mother, and be prepared to testify in court. Get an attorney to do a TRO and PRO. Tell the police as soon as the TRO is in place. Get your mother safely moved.
u/beautiful_ashes · 3 pointsr/Divorce

She's 6. We just recently moved into separate homes. These are the two that we used for her. We read "Two Homes" and then asked why she thought we read it to her. She answered, "Because you love me?" <3 We told her that we did and then discussed how things would be similar. She's asked questions since then and been emotional at times, but I was just telling her last night how proud I was for how she's been working through it.

https://www.amazon.com/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0763619841/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1542133270&sr=8-3&keywords=books+for+kids+about+divorce

​

https://www.amazon.com/Standing-Own-Two-Feet-Affirmation/dp/0843132213/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0843132213&pd_rd_r=e8ff9f63-e770-11e8-aacc-dbdecc11c105&pd_rd_w=xWf4n&pd_rd_wg=HKcBs&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=6725dbd6-9917-451d-beba-16af7874e407&pf_rd_r=BCPVNK1E7ANB66SZK0AV&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=BCPVNK1E7ANB66SZK0AV

​

u/hermes369 · 1 pointr/Divorce

Here's the article that got me thinking this way:

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2012/01/10/hookinguprealities/the-eat-pray-love-divorce-trend/

My ex was a big fan of Eat, Pray, Love, as she was also a big fan of this piece of self-justifying bullshit:

http://www.amazon.com/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350

By the same author? Cheating is GOOD, don't you know!

http://www.amazon.com/When-Good-People-Have-Affairs/dp/0312563442/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1374344138&sr=1-4



I will admit that I'm bipolar, have ADD, take high-powered narcotic analgesics for pain daily, have sleep apnea, and smoke like a chimney; so, I'm not the most reliable of narrators nor am I much of a "catch." I should not, however, be pessimistic about the possibility of others finding ways to stay together and experience all of those positive things you mentioned above. In other words, you're right and I stand corrected: get married if you want! I still believe the man shoulders the majority of the risk but that's just how it is.

By the way, though I can't speak for golf or NASCAR, you really should give ballet a chance.

u/TheMiyo · 1 pointr/Divorce

I found the 'How Can I Forgive You?' book supremely helpful in answering this question, personally: https://www.amazon.ca/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314/

u/SlimBackwater · 1 pointr/Divorce

Sounds like you might be a "nice guy" (like me)

Read or listen to the first chapter of No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover and see if it might apply to you.

u/zoomzoom42 · 1 pointr/Divorce

Well...even though the decision is out of your hands at this point this book might be able to give you some perspective and acceptance with the decision. It takes a step by step approach with questions to work through about whether a relationship is worth being in. https://www.amazon.ca/Good-Leave-Stay-Step-Step/dp/0452275350/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay&qid=1573662208&sr=8-1

u/SO_of_AntiVaxxer · 1 pointr/Divorce

After you break the news, here are a couple of children's books that might help to expand the concept:

Invisible String

Two Homes

u/visinefortheplank · 1 pointr/Divorce

It's called Rebuilding. Also the 10-week workshop I did with a group was based on this book. There are other books out there, but I recommend this one.

u/why_did_i_wait · 2 pointsr/Divorce

Get the book "Mom's House Dad's House", it is very informative in regards to these types of situations.

If you are going to go back to court then you need to carefully examine the exact language in the decree document that has the judge's signature on it. No other document that you made verbally or off to the side matters. If there is nothing about 3 Day holidays exactly stated then you have no case.

The best thing for you to do is be very proactive about planning out your calendar. I created a shared google calendar that everyone in my extended family can view.

You need to own up to the fact that when the kids are at her house then you have zero control of anything over there. Likewise assert that she has zero control when they are at your's. That said, don't be the guy that says no to everything. A party bus with a designated driver sounds better than a rebellious pissed off teen that is drunk in her own car careening down the road.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0684830787/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_2?pf_rd_p=1944687442&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0743277120&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=10T6YQY333P9E7V1HM6E

u/20182019_Throwaway · 1 pointr/Divorce

Read this and go through the exercises:


Too Good to Leave

u/inthecloudsagain · 1 pointr/Divorce

Try getting a copy of this book. It helped me in a similar situation.

Too good to leave, Too Bad to Stay

u/seeds_of_change_TA · 6 pointsr/Divorce

> as time went on I became increasingly more depressed (not entirely his fault, genetically predisposed to depression here) and my sex drive took a dive

I thought I was pre-disposed to depression too. I was severely depressed and has extreme anxiety the last few years of our relationship. Now, 9-months post separation, I feel like myself for the first time in years. Your husband is making you depressed.

> The sex thing was REALLY hard on him, and made him feel unwanted

OMG, I dealt with this shit so much. He would do X, Y or Z shitty behavior to drive me away, causing me to avoid intimacy with him. Then I was made to be the bad guy - he made me feel so guilty, that I was emasculating him and making him feel unwanted and abandoned. In reality, he is the one who has abandoned you for his other relationship - the bottle (not to mention the other women). He abandons you, makes you feel like nothing, takes you for granted, cheats, drinks, and when you withdraw after all this rejection he makes YOU the bad guy. No.

> I wasn't ready to give up my entire life just because he made a mistake

He didn't make one mistake. He has made a series of mistakes and you keep forgiving him. He is pushing your boundaries further and further to see what he can get away with. He apologizes for mistakes then turns around and keeps doing it, and taking it one step further. To make things worse, he tries to turn it all around on you because of your lack of intimacy which all came about because of his inability to be a decent partner.

> now he's ACTUALLY TRYING

What is he actually doing to try? He has begrudgingly agreed to stop drinking for a short amount of time. He is being, as you say, "patient, tender, and understanding." About what?! He should be grovelling on his knees, in intensive therapy to address why he treats you like shit and takes your marriage for granted - all while YOU are showing patience, compassion, and understanding for HIM.

He's trying to blame everything on you, and you're letting him. This is not a judgment. My ex and I had the exact same dynamic for 15 years. Take it from me: let him go. Free yourself. It's not easy. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. But it's so worth it. You must break your codependency, start demanding respect from others, and stop blaming yourself.

These two books helped me in my journey:

Codependent No More
How to Break Your Addiction to a Person