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>Can this even be considered an eating disorder?

You are demonstrating multiple symptoms of an Eating Disorder.

• Obsession with calories
  
  
• The thought of eating without tracking scares you
  
  
• Chewing and spittin is often a symptom of Anorexia, Bulimia, and/or EDNOS
  
  
• Feeling guilty based on amount of food eaten or not
  
  
• Lying to your doctor (and anyone). Lying is pervasive among those with EDs. Naturally, people stop trusting someone who lies, but sadly the ED person lying often can't see that. Chances are your doctor is loosing trust in you already.
  
  
• Terrified of the thought of your body changing
  
  
• Panic when the numbers on the scale change
  
  
• Not happy with your body. Anorexics are never satisfied, the numbers keep going lower and lower, and the self-criticisms don't go away. Your self-worth is not based on a number.
  
  
• Feel like your relationship with food is f***ed up
  
  
• Wishing you could relax and enjoy food
  
  Please seek therapeutic help. Your medical doctor can advise. It may be true that you consider therapy scary, but therapists can help us understand how others are seeing us (people can tell when they are being lied to just like you can), can help us to have a better, larger perspective on life. They are there to help us learn to deal with difficult emotions. They are there to help. There is no story they haven't heard.
  
  Our bodies change over time and the media has cornered many by promoting unrealistic standards, brainwashing many with images of women who look like they are 14. Photos are photoshopped (look at/study before and after pics) Go to a public place and look at the natural bodies of people (in film, even torsos have makeup).
  
  Consider a list of things to learn to focus on your positive qualities and move away from considering body image so important. This is part of a list to start with:
  
  >1. Weight and size is not a measure of self-worth. Why should it be? Your self-worth is your view of yourself as a total person— how you treat others; how you treat yourself; the contributions you make to your family, your friends, your community, and society in general. Your size is just your size, like hair color. Don't give it any more importance than that.
  
  >2. List your assets, talents, and accomplishments and review that list often. Add to your list daily.
  
  >3. Focus on the positive aspects of your life — a job you like, good friends, a nice home.
  
  >4. Stop criticizing yourself. The inner voice that's telling you you're no good is a liar. View the voice as an unwelcome intruder and show it the door!
  
  >5. Avoid "globalizing." Instead of saying "I'm such a failure," say: "I didn't do that one little thing quite right, but I do most things right."
  
  This author, Matthew McKay has written many great self-esteem workbook and others like it. It's serious work for anyone serious about changing the way you think.
  
  The Self-Esteem Companion: Simple Exercises to Help You Challenge Your Inner Critic and Celebrate Your Personal Strengths
  
  The loving kindness practice has helped many love themselves as they are. It is a practice, something to be done regularly. You can change the way you think. You don't have to believe your thoughts. Challenge them. Here is A meditation for overcoming self hatred based on the loving kindness practice.
  
  Bottom line, a therapist can help you like, love, and accept yourself and your strengths that are much more than a number on a scale or how you look. Seek help.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Not only do you have the stress of an ED, you also have to deal with the stress of being in the service. I am not 100% familiar with the hoops you have to jump through to get care while in the military but my job has brought me to the VA a few times and I know there's a lot of red tape.

I am a 23F struggling with ED for 13 years. I'm not sure if you're looking for moral support or problem-solving ideas in this post but let me share some things that have been helpful for me:

-please share this burden with at least your wife. She married you, in sickness and in health. It might help to show her some of the resources for friends and family in the sidebar so she can learn how to best support you.

-try going to the grocery store with cash. Count out how much you need for staples and don't take your wallet inside. It's not a miracle fix but it has helped me stay focused in the grocery store more times than one. Better yet, ask your wife to go with you.

-seek out free, "off the books" resources like ABA/OA/SMART recovery. You don't have to sign anything, you don't have to join anything, you don't have to pay anything if you don't have money.

-have you tried working through a self-help book on BN? This book has been particularly pertinent and helpful for me.

-look for a low-cost therapy clinic outside the military that does not require referrals. I go to a clinic for $15/hr. They don't care if you have or don't have insurance. I sought them out myself (no referral from a doc) and have been going for months. I have a pretty good therapist and now my SO and I get couple's counseling there too. We love each other very much but it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who struggles with ED and it's nice to have the extra support!

It sounds like you're really struggling right now but I hope you know it can get better. I'm not where I want to be yet but I'm certainly healthier than I used to be. Onward and upward.

I have also had the problem of becoming accustomed to my depression. I'm usually just so used to feeling bad that I don't want to put forth the effort to feel good. I think it's best to take baby steps and give yourself credit for things that may even seem minuscule to the average person. For example, when I'm depressed I generally have pretty bad hygiene. So when I force myself to brush my teeth or take a shower, I kind of give myself a pep talk and say that you did a good job and you made progress. I know it sounds really lame, but it's worth a try. It also helps to think about how good it makes your body feel to do simple things like eat a balanced meal or exercise. Part of dealing with EDs and depression is about training yourself to recognize the cues your body naturally gives you. You will feel more energized after eating a balanced meal, but sometimes the depression can mask that. Try to listen to your body more, it can help a lot.

I also think that a major part of why people with EDs are often depressed is because of the irregular eating habits. Not eating at all until nighttime or only eating junk food contribute significantly to depression, as do irregular sleeping patterns. This is all extremely hard to fix, so like I said in the beginning, baby steps. Try setting goals like making sure you eat breakfast in the morning, or making sure you always get 8 hrs of sleep.

When you have those times when your mood seems out of control, it helps to try and do something that's calming. I don't know what you daily schedule is like, but try to take some time and do something that you enjoy and that is relaxing for you. This can be reading, TV, or another hobby. Maybe try making a list of things that help you relax and feel happy so you can go to it when you are feeling down and pick something you feel like doing.

I learned all of this from my 2+ years of therapy, so I definitely recommend seeking that if at all possible. I always tell people to shop around with therapists and make sure you find the right one for you. But if that's not an option, I think the Depression Workbook is a pretty good resource for dealing with these issues.

Thanks for the kind words.

I would heartily reccomend that you educate yourself on metabolic damage.

The best source I've found on this, bar none, has been Matt Stone from 180degree health.

I was on board with you the first couple of times we went through recovery. Up those calories slowly and let your body acclimate.

The problem is that your body won't fix metabolic damage like that.

Here are a couple of articles that you will, undoubtedly find difficult, but have been instrumental in helping my wife overcome her ED:

I need how many calories ?!?!?

and

MinnieMaue guide to recovery

Additionally, the #1 thing you can do is find support. Your chances of successful recovery without significant repalse are over 1000% better (not made up) with stable support. I understand that it's terribly frightening and difficult to talk with friends or family about this, but you really could use someone in your corner. Someone who can help you differentiate between the times the ED is talking to you and when you're actually talking to yourself.

I'm that for my wife and I can tell you that I really didn't truly understand or appreciate what she was going through until I read Brave Girl Eating by harriet brown. I understand you're a university student and money may be tight, so if you want a copy and can't afford one, PM me and my wife and I will be happy to send you a copy :)

I'm not going to post how many calories my wife had to consume publically because I think she frequents this sub (and I'm not going to post what she eats NOW, after reversing metabolic damage), but feel free to PM me for details about her recovery process, what we went through, pitfalls we experienced, and anything else you'd like to know.

*edit:

Also, the single best thing you can do for yourself today is to throw away your scales. Any and all of them, body weight scale, food scale, the works. There is nothing that is so destructively triggering as someone with an ED looking at numbers on a scale. Remember, those numbers are meaningless. If they made a scale that read "Healthy" instead of having 3 digits, I'd be all for it. But until then, chuck them!

> Do I try to speak to the people (like her parents) that are ignoring the psychological side and just forcing her to eat?

Are you certain she (and/or her parents) are not working with professionals?

I ask this, because there is at least one successful evidence-based method, known as the Maudsley Method that emphasizes weight restoration and parental control over eating in the early stages of treatment for Anorexia. This is because many of the common AN behaviors are the same types of behaviors that develop in people who are subject to involuntary semi-starvation, so they're not purely psychological. Getting a patient out of a semi-starvation state can at least eliminate its side effects, and make the patient more receptive to treatment of the primary ED issues.

You'll find an interesting account of one family's use of this method in this book

If you are close with her parents, and comfortable talking with them, you might ask if there's anything you can do to help, but I would recommend not questioning their methods.


> A lot of the time that I see her eating stuff its junk food which is awesome that she is eating but I worry that if that is all she eats in a day she isn't getting enough nutrition and I am not really sure if I should say anything/ what I should say in this situation?

I'd definitely stay clear of that. You don't want to do anything to give her an excuse to avoid a particular food. Some foods that are commonly considered to be "junk" food are included in a feeding plan for a reason. For example, calorie dense foods like ice cream are commonly used for weight restoration. Some foods are also included as "challenge foods". My daughter had to include chocolate in her diet one week because it was something she was fearful of eating.

> I want to talk to her about my own stresses but I don't know if that a good idea. I also would really like her to realize that I care a lot and am trying really hard to help her even if it isn't obvious but I feel like that is less important to bring up at the moment.

I think it can be helpful to someone struggling with a mental disorder to recognize that we all have things that need fixing, and that asking for help should be considered a sign of strength rather than a sign of weakness. The fact that you are getting better, and you feel positive about that, can also be an encouragement. My one caveat is that you should be careful about making her feel that it's her job to fix you.

"8 Keys to Recovery from an Eating Disorder" by Carolyn Costin. I am currently being treated for anorexia in one of Carolyn's treatment centers and I highly recommend her approach to the treatment of eating disorders. The book covers all types of eating disorders, including binge eating disorder. Binge eating disorder is treated in the same way as anorexia and bulimia, so while all of it might not directly relate to you, the principles and information is all the same. This book is amazing and I've been reading it during my treatment. It's no substitution for therapy (which I do recommend when you have the means to do so), but it is a great starting point and can really help you in the time being.

I just want to encourage you so much with your recovery! I'm so excited that you're wanting to get help and I think this is a great start. Message me any time if you need advice or just support. I'm discharging from the treatment center on Thursday after 19 weeks, so I have lots of good information beyond what the book can give. Best of luck and you can totally do this! :)

This is a really really excellent book on caring for ED individuals. It's geared towards family members, but is an excellent resource for a care team as well.

Skills-Based Learning for Caring for a Loved One with an Eating Disorder: The New Maudsley Method

Hi! I'm not sure if this is what you're looking for, but I want to recommend a recipe book written by a dietician and a woman in recovery. I haven't read it myself but it has great reviews. :)

https://www.amazon.com/Food-Eat-hopeful-disorder-recovery/dp/1480083461

Ideally, your treatment team gave you dietary guidelines and you are still working with a therapist and/or nutritionist who can help you set ups meal plans.

Hopefully helpful links:

How to eat.

Recovery meal plan

Food to eat --just double recipes, and Drop the diet by the same people.

Process of recovery.

Adding more calories

Omg this describes me so well at the peak of my ED (although I still binged on some not super healthy stuff too). The book that was instrumental to my recovery was Binge No More. The author takes the twelve step approach to overcoming binging. I didn't do all the logging or even finish the book, but I still found it incredibly helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572241748?pc_redir=1398595975&robot_redir=1

Life Without Ed is also a great one, as listed above.

My nutritionist recommended Embody by Connie Sobczak. It REALLY helped me begin to let go of achieving the "perfect" body. I honestly give it credit for the amount of progress I've made regarding having a healthier outlook on eating/exercising.

https://www.amazon.com/embody-Learning-Unique-quiet-critical/dp/0936077808

I haven't gotten close to finishing it but I like it so far: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0312321236?pc_redir=1409996414&robot_redir=1

Also Health At Every Size is a good book about the politics of eating and dieting and the science behind intuitive eating:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1935618253?pc_redir=1409897841&robot_redir=1

Speaking from a residential standpoint, one of the best in America that I have researched is Monte Nido (http://www.montenido.com/) They have several locations across the country. The women who began the program is named Carolyn Costin and wrote an amazing book called 8 Keys To Recovery From An Eating Disorder (http://www.amazon.com/Keys-Recovery-Eating-Disorder-Therapeutic/dp/0393706958) which I have been using in my recovery with my therapist now that I am on an outpatient basis.
I have not heard good things about two of the places local to me in New England and their inpatient facilities and I cannot comment on inpatient hospitalizations but hope this helps anyone considering residential <3