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Imagine yourself as a queen and him as a high class pleasure slave who is of course well trained in the sensual arts (that's a given) but also intelligent and quick-witted, and expected to become proficient in any topic of conversation or activity that you might want to enjoy together. He should know exactly how you like your coffee. If your heart's desire is to have a worthy Scrabble opponent, then regardless of how he feels about the game, he better have all the legal 2-letter words memorized by Christmas. If you like a hot bubble bath before or after sex, he should be in charge of keeping the supplies stocked, drawing the water, lighting the candles, fetching your glass of wine, and sitting on the cold tile floor to read to you or provide interesting conversation while you soak. The onus is on him to think of or research interesting discussion topics or questions for your conversation, or to share with you something interesting he learned today. If you like massages, he should watch YouTube videos or check out books from the library until he is on par with a professional. If you love oral and his skills are somewhat lacking, he should be expected to finish reading Ian Kerner's She Comes First by the due date you assign, and there had better be plenty of highlighting and notes in the margins. You get the idea.

Another possibility is erotic hypnosis. Personally, I think /r/shibbysays has some of the best stuff out there. You could either use her stuff for inspiration to make your own recordings (or just get ideas for how to talk during your sessions together), or you could actually play her recordings while he is blindfolded and you act out what she describes. For example, in the first file in the good boy series, which is usually recommended as a starting point, she talks about putting her hand on the guy's shoulders and chest. So when it gets to that part you could actually put your hands where she describes and rub his skin.

She's pretty good about including language that would allow a guy to listen by himself if he wants but also leaves open the possibility that he is in a relationship and is being made to listen to them by his real life domina. One that comes to mind is "Slip into Slave Mode," which says something along the lines of "whenever I, or whoever told you to listen to this recording, says 'slave mode,' you will return to this place." That one also includes a visualization of a weighted blanket slowly covering the guy up from his feet to his head. I for one would love to be cuffed and have my partner slowly unroll a blanket over me while listening to this together. For good measure, maybe rub your pussy in his face when it gets to the part where only his head is uncovered.

If y'all are both comfortable with bringing Shibby into your bedroom, start with the good boy series. Listen to them by yourself before you play them for your man and think about what what position he should be in and what you might do to him while he listens. Next explore the wiki (the indoctrination series is also good) or just browse the subreddit for files that you think might work well for your dynamic. A lot of the files include references to "triggers" established in good boy and indoctrination, so that's why it's usually a good idea to do them first. Some of them involve chastity and orgasm denial, but most are just tease and denial, and it should be pretty easy to avoid the ones you don't want.

Femdoms can be super nice, so she has a skewed view of what it is (probably from porn, unless your fantasies are about her being mean to you which is not what it sounds like from your post).

Two suggestions:

1. Ask her if she'd be interested in getting a better understanding of exactly what it is you want. If 'yes', then suggest to her that you write out some very detailed scenarios of what you want. Be specific about clothes and words and tone of voice and mood and etc. All of it. This is NOT for her to follow your script, it's for her to get more insight and to see if any of it sounds like fun for her. If some of it DOES sound like fun, then she has something to play with.
   
   
2. If you want to give her something that may help, I wrote a practical guide book for new Dommes to help with their confidence and to help if they really have no idea what to do (it will not convince her to try things, but it may make her more comfortable with getting into that role):
   How to make your first BDSM scene amazing
   
   She might discover some latent interest in dominance, but that's not where she is now, so don't try and 'bring that out'. Treat it as your loving partner doing some 'acts' for you. Make it fun and awesome for her so she wants to do it again.
   
   Also, don't put 'anything you want' out there on her plate. It's unfair. What she wants is probably some nice vanilla sex and a cuddle. This is your fantasy, not hers. If she does it, she's indulging you as a good partner.
   
   Best of luck.
   
   Ferns

I think the best form of feedback is silently looking him in the eyes as you torture him. You don't need to talk him through it and he doesn't need to make all that noise. Safewords are needed of course and involuntary grunts are unavoidable, but you will both be happier if he isn't required to communicate his pain level by constant groaning.

If you want to start slow, which is always good advice, pulling on his scrotum (the sack, not the balls) is pretty much risk-free. Basically it is a muscle that protects and temperature regulates the balls and stretching it is painful, yet safe.

Next, I would gently fondle his balls to get a feel for how they move, their shape, and how the are connected (the vas deferens) which is their most vulnerable part and which your want to avoid injury to.

For your first attempts at squeezing his balls you should take just one in the palm of your hand and wrap your fingers around it like an egg. Imagine it is a raw egg and you are trying to see how tight you can squeeze it without breaking it. You can even practice on real eggs first to see how tightly you can squeeze while applying even pressure. Generally speaking, you an squeeze as tight as you like this way without risk of injury.

Next, I would try slapping his balls. This is pretty safe assuming they are free to move around.

Now it's time to pay attention to his cock, which should be pretty hard by now if he is still enthusiastic. His head is he most sensitive area, so you can hold he shaft in one hand (pulling back the foreskin if needed) and slap the top of his cock sharply.

For his shaft, I would have a bag of clothespins handy and start a tight row down the underside of his penis. Then put rows down either side and one or two on top if there is room. See how many you can fit. Basically 4-5 rows with 6-8 pins in each row for the average size penis, or 24-40 clothespins. Put a few more on the head.

If you wish, you can finish him off by "cracking the nuts" basically doing the opposite of the gentle squeeze above. You want to slowly apply point pressure to his ball(s) until he can't take it any more. There are two ways to do this. One way is to squeeze both balls against each other. The other is to rest one ball in your fingers and press the joint of your thumb into the side of the ball. The second way is easier if you have small hands, but just be warned that it doesn't take much pressure to cause intense pain. Maybe hold one ball in each hand and switch to the other ball when he can't take it anymore. Be warned that his balls will be tender afterwards and he may not want to play for a day or two.

Honestly, if you are worried about safety and plan on making this a routine, I would suggest that a ball crusher device that can apply continuous pressure and can be adjusted gradually is much safer in the long run and is well worth the expense.

The style I recommend is https://www.amazon.com/PaddleDaddy-Acrylic-Ball-Crusher/dp/B00KO8WF10 Just make sure you don't over-tighten the cylinders. The should just hold the balls in place comfortably with no pinching. All the pain should come as the plate is tightened, squeezing the balls against the cylinders. The screws can be tightened every minute or two as the blood is squeezed out of his balls. Eventually they will be so tight that the pain won't go away, in which case you will probably need to distract him with pain elsewhere (pinching, biting, hard whipping) or maybe some pleasure selectively (teasingly) applied.

Eesh, lots to unpack here.

1. Okay so I would say that the cleanup regimen was probably a bit enthusiastic. Considering the size of the cock you were using, you'd probably have been alright with two rounds of a bulb enema after a good poop. This is an excellent resource on how to clean your butt. I also recommend a good diet with plenty of veggies and whole grains. You might also want to look into fibre supplements like psyllium husk.
   
2. Following the short cleanup, it's good to give yourself an hour or so to settle down before you start your butt stuff epic.
   
3. Good warmup is so massively important for anal sex. The relationship is not necessarily always linear, but it's been my experience that the more time and effort I dedicate to warm up, the more enthusiastically I can pound my bf into the mattress later. Start out with rimming, then move on to a sensibly sized buttplug and a bit of good old fashioned T&D. Going slow is good, it builds anticipation. Anticipation is sexy. Go slow. Be sexy.
   
4. You find some positions are more comfortable than others, cowgirl is a good one, so excellent work with that one (also your gf will have loved the view). You could also try lying on your side.
   
5. When your butt is telling you something, you have to listen to it - otherwise you're going to pick up an injury/infection/both. Pain is not good. Pain is your ass telling you something is wrong. Don't ignore it. Definitely do not use numbing creams or gels. Even the most experienced of buttsluts sometimes experiences pain. The smart thing to do is to listen to dat ass, stop what you're doing and give it another try later. Her strapon is not going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight, you've got plenty of time to relax, go slow and get it right.
   
6. Did I mention taking it slow? Take it slow.
   
7. Finding the lube that's right for you takes time, you may just be using a lube that's not complimentary to your butt - that is really common and can have a huge effect on your enjoyment of anal sex. Try lots of different lubes in small quantities and find the one that's right for you. More information about the types of lube out there can be found in this helpful blog post. Another thing I would recommend you take a look into is lube shooters.
   
8. Mo' butt fucking resources: Pegging101, Preparing for anal sex, anatomy, super informative article on getting started with pegging, some more about lube, good article on anal.

I mainly read lesdom erotica, so take with a grain of salt if you're into F/m stuff

Claiming Katy (free online) is pretty excellent (though rather extreme) sadomasochism with a side-helping of service submission. Sophie (protagonist) doesn't deserve Katy and is a terrible dom, but she has actual character growth and becomes better over the course of the story. Expect edge play and not enough negotiation, but... Fuck, it's hot.

At her feet (not free, but worth it for the ebook) is warm, fluffy and wholesome-ish mommy dom/little girl stuff, at least in that it's extremely clear that the two women are totally into each other and their dynamic. It's not really my kink, but I had a smile on my face for most of the time I was reading it. Would recommend based solely on how happy it is.

Heh...

The thing about my stories is that while almost all of them have femdom elements (there are a couple gay stories), they all involve crossdressing, pegging, and feminization, with the occasional gender swap.

If you want to browse my catalog, here it is.

Specifically though, the femdom stories I was referring to in my comment was my series: The Succubus' Sub, which is about a guy named Brett who becomes the sub to a succubus domme. It starts off as just straight up erotica, but becomes erotic romance.

Myserra, the succubus, isn't just some slave-driver, slur-spouting dominatrix like OP mentioned. She doesn't treat Brett like crap or enslave him. She cares deeply about him. In fact, she actually goes into detail about this in the story.

This series mirrors my own kinks, fetishes, and fantasies, and Brett is me in all but name and appearance, so Myserra is my ultimate fantasy: a loving, thoughtful domme but still strict and authoritative.

The first book in the series, titled Session One: The Offer, is free. It is also vanilla in terms of sexual content. All the kinky stuff happens in the later books (currently 11, with the 12th planned), and that includes crossdressing, futa (dickgirls), latex, bondage, and eventually gender swap.

What's really cool is that I'm in the process of creating an erotic graphic novel for the series. I have an artist and everything. I wrote the script for it and have already commissioned the first three pages (of 18) and will have a kickstarter for the rest in January. Only the first book is being made, but should I raise the funds and get it made, I'm going to publish it was well to Amazon and work on writing and funding book two.

I've seen this situation brought up in a lot of forums. It sounds like domination doesn't turn your wife on directly, but she does feed on your arousal and it sounds like she is a caring and open partner, so that's good.

You could try introducing simple rules to see how she might enjoy having control over you. One thing that I think might show the appeal of dominance to women who don't personally identify as dominant, is the right to always demand kisses.

There is a post on Domme Chronicles that shows just how much fun it can be.

Getting your wife to try out limited power exchange might be a good step towards introducing a D/s aspect to your relationship.

There is also a book, Uniquely Rika, that deals specifically with introducing Female dominance into an existing relationship. I'm hesitant to give it my full recommendation, because I wasn't especially keen the end relationship it suggested, but it may be worth having the both of you reading it.

The Mistress Manual, Miss Abernathy's Concise Slave Training Manual and [The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0806520892) are all books about Female Dominance in some fashion or another. They are written by women, are quite readable and have overall good stuff going on for all of them. I can't recommend one specifically as an end all be all but I know each of them has good things to offer.

The Ultimate Guide to Kink is also a really great resource but it talks about a huge range of stuff and all of the essays are written by different people. It's not specifically about F/m but a nice general overview of all sorts of kinky activities.

Also, reading them to her in bed is adorable.

So, I don't know if what I have to say is at all helpful, and mostly I wanted to comment because I'm a little jealous at your willingness to server, lately it feels like my "puppy" is just along for the ride...but enough about me.

As far as being a new dom and books... I read a wide variety of both informational and fantasy books. I think a mix of both gave me many more ideas and options to think about and it was easier for me to pick things I liked that way. BUT The number one thing that helped was getting online and watching/reading information from other doms and subs. Asking questions and so on. I'm sorry I don't have actual book names for you. (If I think of specific ones I will get back to you!)

http://www.amazon.com/The-Mistress-Manual-Female-Dominance/dp/1890159190/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3

http://www.amazon.com/The-Sexually-Dominant-Woman-Beginners/dp/1890159115/ref=cm_lmf_tit_7

http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008/ref=cm_lmf_tit_9

Just a few to look into. :) ALL great for just getting started, and learning more about herself, her wants/needs, her sexuality...so on. Good Luck and Kink ON! :D

Well, the two obvious things:

1. You could consciously cut back on the brattiness for now, just until she resolves this issue in her mind.
   
2. She could find a way to take back control -- that can be very empowering to know that she physically put you back into both physical and mental submission
   
   Regarding #2, simple methods to get control back if you mouth off: Grab your balls, squeeze harder and harder until you apologize. Keep squeezing right at the limit, make you beg for forgiveness, verbally re-devote yourself to her, etc. I'm sure you can think of many other ways to create physical pain that would totally break you back down
   
   Obviously, take care that it doesn't turn into a funishment dynamic where you purposely provoke her to do this (that's on you, just don't do it, it's important for her). But the "my slave rebelled a little and I physically forced him back into submission" can be amazingly empowering (and a huge turn-on).
   
   EDIT: https://www.amazon.com/Dog-Training-Collar-Rechargeable-Waterproof/dp/B075FV9Z6B/ref=zg_bs_2975428011_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=XK2BQKXXM0SHFRF96B90
   
   Another fantastic tool. One of my mistress's favorite tools is to have me wrap that around my genitals. She has the remote control, and one click, and I have a whole new attitude! She often has me wear it in public as well. Lots of intensity levels, so she can set it to anything from "mildly uncomfortable" to "yelp and shriek"
   
   This might help her feel firmly in control, and get you re-thinking the bratty mouth 🤣
   
   There's nothing special about that particular collar, just the first one I ran into on Amazon

The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance https://www.amazon.com/dp/1890159190/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_F9qhDb2BMXRN0

Amazon offers paperback and kindle versions. I also read Female Domination: An exploration of Male desire for loving female authority by Elise sutton. It was also informative and shows insight from a lot of perspectives (she is/was also a bdsm therapist) which also came from Amazon.

Nice dynamic you two have :-)

Have you already considered remote (over-the-internet) sex toys, like the Hush? To keep his mind on you, you could assign him some extra tasks, like sending you erotica that he finds arousing (stories, videos, etc.). I think you can find extra ideas on some books, like this one or this one.

Also, a question: which model of chastity cage is he using at the moment?

Does he just want you to do things to him in sexy scenes? Or do he and you both want more?

I just got a copy of Uniquely Rika and while short it really illuminates the How-To and emotional complexity of Female-Dominant Power Exchange if you want a good place to start. https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Rika-Ms-Rika/dp/1435710797/ref=pd_bxgy_14_2/157-4079401-7809037?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=7GJCBAJHVT388E6K7T20

There is a sequel Uniquely Us but my order isn't here yet.

The Hesitant Mistress sounds like it might also help you. Different author though so I'm not sure.

My Year in Review post here also has other book recommendations.

My recent take on submission as a m sub see what he thinks: https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMcommunity/comments/5prmzv/submission_is_not_a_replacement_for_selfesteem/?st=iybrxp7g&sh=e454ae43

*one* butt plug? Once you get one you'll want another so it's not a big deal where you start. Just get this one https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00HI4DVX4/ref=cm_sw_r_tw_dp_U_x_mhAyCbHB51HN5

​

or this one.

https://www.amazon.com/Master-Expand-Inflatable-Butt-Plug/dp/B00L3JE57G/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=inflatable%2Bbutt%2Bplug&qid=1549902390&s=hpc&sr=1-6&th=1

​

to start- very likely to fit nice without falling out.

That link to Lulu.com should work. Huh.

Here’s the URL directly.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/msrika/uniquely-rika/paperback/product-2403338.html

Here’s the Amazon link

https://www.amazon.com/Uniquely-Rika-Ms-Rika/dp/1435710797

Ok, so here's my big reply... Sorry for the delay, but I've been out of town busy with work, etc. I've had this half assed draft kicking around for a while... finally finished it up.

And please take my reply with a grain of salt. Its possible I am "projecting" as him. Its possible I am totally wrong. I don't think so, but I dunno.

First a couple of things...

> It is starting to make me feel unwanted, and also self conscious when he isn't reciprocating. It makes me feel like "just me" isn't good enough for him and I've never felt that way before with someone.

Dommes are in demand, don't forget that. There's a shortage of Dommes. It may not work out with him, but don't let that bother your self esteem. There a plenty of subbie guys in the sea, not so many Dommes. From this post it seems you are not at fault here, it sounds like he is... Actually, it sounds like the meds are.


> I was doing this with him (lowered the kink level to just the chastity), would order him around for when I wanted sex etc. It seemed to be working but then he just took it off one day without asking permission. I gave him a punishment, but then he did it again and I now I'm confused if he's even into this as much as he says he is.

This tells me he wants to be "punished". He wants the chastity to be real. He should just tell you that, but he didn't. He doesn't have the nerve or something? Maybe if he tells you, then for him its not real - maybe he wants you to want to make him chaste.

How could he take it off? Why does he have access to the key?

Personally, if I were the Dom (I'm a male switch), I'd punish the shit out of him for taking it off. I'm talking a serious punishment - something he doesn't like. Either a hard spanking, or some sort of grounding/denial, or some sort of humiliation or something. It needs to be an effective punishment, not a "funishment". If he did it again, I'd punish him further.

> I also am feeling like there's a lack of an intimate connection with him, I guess I hoped some none kink would help me with that.

Is it the meds? I knew a guy on Lexapro - it helped him with a lot of issues, anxiety and whatnot, but it always made him seem a little... distant. Mostly because he was. The meds did that.


> I find dominating (I'm still learning) to be a bit exhausting at times.

So when you say that you are a kink dispenser... I understand what you mean... But it absolutely does not have to be like that.

You said you were still learning...

You are the Domme. You are in control. You decide how much and when for EVERYTHING. You don't have to do anything you don't want. He has to do everything you want and isn't allowed to do anything you don't want.

(Really, he doesn't have to do anything, but it sounds like this is what he wants - a Domme to take control.)

Personally if I were you, I'd go into total Domme mode, not less. I know you say that's not what you want but hear me out.

First, being a Domme doesn't have to be exhausting. It shouldn't be exhausting. By its definition, its not exhausting - its getting whatever you want, when you want it. Domme's are the Queen. They are the Princess.

Just do what you were going to do if you weren't the Domme, and when something pops up that you don't like, go into Domme mode and shut that shit off. When you want something, go into Domme mode and get it.

One of the big ways being a Domme can be exhausting is if she is constantly doing things she doesn't really want to do and that moment to please her sub. It can be exhausting if the Domme constantly thinks "Ok... What do I have to do now to Dominate him? Let's see... I just ordered him to scrub the toilet... Now what?"

Sure, being a Domme involves "giving gifts" to please her sub, but they should never be a burden or something that is exhausting for the Domme. They should be a gift that the sub likes, but delivered when the Domme wants and feels the sub has earned.

Again, as the Domme you'd be in control. You'd have the power to make things how you want them.

There is a totally awesome book about this called Uniquely Rika the book essentially changed my perspective on being a sub, having a Domme and being in a Femdom Relationship. Buy it. Read it. Have him read it.

So... I'd start by locking his dick up and totally controlling his orgasms. And just cut him off. Say something like "We're done with you having orgasms for a while. Maybe a long long while. Maybe forever. We'll see. In fact any kind of penis stimulus? Forget it. Your penis is going on a loooong vacation." Ask him when his last orgasm was, and Mark down that date/time on a calendar.

And that's it. Lock it up and keep the key. Don't do anything else you don't want to. Just wait.

I'm guessing he will love this. AND it's not a whole lot of effort on your part, is it? (I might be wrong.)

If he requests something kinky don't do it (unless you want to). Tell him that he's not allowed to request anything for a while, and that you will let him know when he can. Punish him in a way he doesn't like if he violates that.

Explain to him that you are the Domme and you call the shots and that's it. He's not allowed to make requests of you anymore. It's disrespectful and frankly annoying. (He'll probably love this too.)

Make him realize that ANYTHING you do for him is a gift and nothing more.

Keep the key, either wear it or hide it. Inspect his cage once in a while, maybe every night if you feel like it. Make sure he's not chaffing or whatever. Let him know it's his job to check his caged junk for problems and report them to you. It better be a real problem or he'll get punished in a way he hates.

When you want, tease him. Flaunt the key, don't let him touch it. Pat him gently on his balls. Tell him that's as close to sex as he's going to get for a while.

Make it clear that he is NOT allowed to ask to be unlocked except for a medical emergency of some kind and he is absolutely NOT allowed to whine about needing to orgasm or anything like that.

Remember, you are the Domme. You dictate how you want shit. His desires might be listened to sometimes. Maybe.

If he needs to unlock for a doctor or something make SURE he doesn't masturbate and lock him right back up.

Lack of any kind of sex, coupled with teasing, will likely cause his libido to shoot up.

And this sounds like it would lead to what you want. Honestly it also sounds like its what he wants.

It typically takes me a week or so for my horneyness to shoot out of control. At that point, I'd do anything for my keyholder. She comes home from work, I gladly drop to my knees and kiss her feet (and I am NOT a foot guy). I have the house cleaned and a glass of wine ready to go if she needs it. If she asks me to kiss her ass, I relish the thought and immediately get to work. Back rubs, bathing, neck massages, anything. She names it, I do it - to the point where she grows weary of my attention.

Just to get some "alone time" to herself she chains me in in the closet to sleep. I'm allowed a blanket and a few pillows but that's it. Not only am I NOT allowed to masturbate, I am UNABLE to because I am locked in chastity. Before she leaves me in the closet, I'm allowed sometimes to kiss her beautiful bottom, feet, and pussy. Sometimes. She grows weary of it pretty quickly and simply walks away telling me that she's going to masturbate and fall asleep, and that I must go to bed now or be punished.

People don't believe this, but people like "the chase". They want what they can't have.

Tease him. Deny him. Control him. You call the shots. Make it clear to him what you want. Reward him if he does it, Punish him if he doesn't.

Make sure you tell him exactly what you want, and how you want it. Explain to him why it's important to you. If he dares complain or do something stupid like give you eye rolls, just punish him (again in a way he doesn't like.)

Just keep him locked up from now on. Work out a deal that for every 10 orgasms he gives you, he's allowed to be unlocked and have one. I imagine he'd make damn sure you are giving him what you need.