Best products from r/JUSTNOFAMILY

More curly hair advice! I know there's going to be a lot of conflicting advice, because everyone's hair is different. I have thick, brown. curly hair, and here's what works for me:

!. As someone else said, I don't shampoo every day. I have a sulfate-free, curly hair shampoo I use, and then a stronger one to deep clean once a week or so (it's Aussie brand right now, not anything special there).

2. I only ever comb and style my hair when it's wet. In the shower, the natural curl pattern comes out when the hair is soaked through - but I don't have the patience to only hand-detangle, so I use a wide-tooth comb right out of the shower, or sometimes in the shower if I'm going for ringlets.

3. I use a conditioner in the shower, rinse that out, use a super-absorbent towel to absorb some of the water, then use a leave-in conditioner or some other curly creme or product, comb that through, and scrunch just a little (I have to scrunch because my hair is still so wet here, that's it's heavy). I then blow-dry with a diffuser blow-drier for one minute - hair is still wet, but not dried out.


In general, curly hair holds better when it doesn't get too dry - hence the leave-in conditioner or other product. It's going to be trial and error, to figure out what techniques and products do what to her hair, and what she wants them to do! I can vary my curls a bit - if I comb in the shower, rinse, then don't disturb them, they do ringlets, but mostly I comb after my shower which makes for looser curls. I also recently have been using a fine-tooth comb after the wide one, to smooth out my hair a bit, though this does break up some of the natural pattern.


My main advice on things to try:

1. Find someone who can CUT curly hair. It reacts very differently than straight hair, and a good cut will take out a lot of the work of making it look good. I've been going to my person for years, and her husband has super curly hair.
   
   
2. Diffuser blow drier, OR diffuser attachment! Normal blow-driers will just fluff it up. Air-dry is also a great option. https://www.amazon.com/Conair-DF09NP-Volumizing-Diffuser/dp/B000JQY6DM/ref=sr_1_9_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1523896894&sr=8-9&keywords=diffuser+attachment+for+hair+dryer This is an example of a diffuser attachment, it just slides on the nozzle of a normal hair dryer.
   
   
3. See if you can find curly or "natural" hair products. They're often in their own section. A lot of these are for black women's hair, and use argan or coconut oil - this is probably too heavy for blonde hair, but I've had great luck finding some lighter weight stuff there. This is most important for leave-in products, I often end up using non-curly shampoos anyway, but your mileage may vary.
   
   
   Good luck to her on her curly hair journey! It's a lot to start out, but honestly it's going to be a lot of experimentation.

And if she’s up for something different I highly recommend the game of thrones cookbook, A A Feast of Ice and Fire , There is a blog too , so you don’t need to invest. I love the cookbook and trying out the medieval recipes vs the modern versions. It’s fun and gives perspective on how food and cooking/baking has changed.

And if you pm me an amazon wishlist link I would more than happily gift it (that’s how much fun I find this book).


Also, I’m glad you made caring for yourself a priority it’s a great example for the kids. When they see you making self care a priority they will too. ❤️❤️❤️

You absolutely did the right thing. Because my babies were both premature I had a little more ‘sway’ or whatever and people still tried to make me feel bad about making them wash/sanitize their hands and not kiss them when they were just days out of the NICU. I just ignored them. You know you’re right, just keep following your gut. No matter how much other people “love” your baby, you and baby’s dad are the only two who have that deep-seated gut feeling of needing to protect the baby. You’ll get pressure from all around, especially as a new mom but you will always be the ones with the most vested interest in making the right hooches for baby. It’s just the way it is when you’re a parent. (Same would go for adoptive parents etc, it’s just only parents really get how that little baby completely relies on them for safety and security). When we become or choose to become parents it just hits you. Keep up the great work.

Oh and as a helpful tip, since you’ve got a new baby during heavy cold and flu season, and are likely to have to go in public over the next few months, get a little sign for your stroller and/or car seat that tells people not to touch baby. You’d be surprised at the amount of well-meaning strangers who want to kiss, touch etc your baby at the grocery store etc. The little signs I had made it so much less awkward.

I’ll try to find one like I had an post a link, they were life-savers for us with itty bitty preemies ( one that was born at this time of year especially).

Amazon has them and some cute car seat covers now which would be handy if it gets cool where you’re located.

Do Not Touch The Baby 6 x 4 inch Laminated Baby Tag by Cold Snap Studio, More Than I Can Bear - Handmade in The USA! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01MYHAQSW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_cIY2BbTNKY87S


Here’s a couple on Etsy
https://www.etsy.com/listing/618099774/baby-no-touching-sign-newborn-car-seat?gpla=1&gao=1&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_us_e-accessories-baby_accessories-other&utm_custom1=b91d9b02-e313-4abf-a58c-f42c6b30482d&utm_content=go_304499315_22746169955_78727407395_aud-537409439012:pla-112970735795_t__618099774&gclid=CjwKCAjwyOreBRAYEiwAR2mSkvMDGDYau-iksO7deqOa2-_3wPaAOjaFIhsf6SjevNHAVKGkqi3hDBoCI6IQAvD_BwE

I couldn’t find one like I had but because of where I lived having a high rate of illiteracy (deep in Cajun country where older people spoke French but little English) mine looked like an actual stop sign. I know that might seem overkill but many in my husbands close extended family (aunts, uncles, etc) understood what it meant without being able to actually read it.

To replace the Fire Tablet, go through the "Amazon Warehouse" seals section, or go straight to the "Amazon devices" section, and don't check anything other than "sort by price low to high"...

You'll see all kinds of previous generation tablets, like this one:
Fire Tablet with Alexa, 7" Display, 16 GB, Black - with Special Offers \ Previous Generation - 5th

Then you just grab the "kid case" for the generation you find cheapest, I ended up getting this one cause it's cheaper and I liked the way it stands up:
HONEY COMB Silicone Case for Amazon Fire // Previous 5th Generation ONLY, 2015 7 inch // by Fintie - Light Weight // Anti Slip // Shock Proof Protective Cover // Kids Friendly

You could also just get the same case that comes with the freestime package:
Amazon FreeTime Kid-Proof Case for Amazon Fire // Previous Generation - 5th//, Pink

Your niece is 11, she's quite capable of cleaning the litter box everyday below she has her shower/bath, or right before she washes up for dinner/bed. You need to clean the litter at least once a day, every single day. Go to the dollar store, or Walmart, or Aldi/No Frills if you've got one, and buy a bunch of cheap little 4gal plastic bags (usually marked for office or bathrooms). I get mine on Amazon Plasticplace Clear 4 Gallon Trash bag, 17"Wx18"H, 2000/Case, 6 Microns - I only buy the ones this thick or thicker if there's a good price, and buy in super bulk because some days I don't trust myself to only use one bag, and a box will still last me two years or more even when I cleaned the litter three times a day and was using these to do that neat wax on my hands/feet (also, always look at the "new and used from $xx" on the page, it'll show you the Amazon Warehouse prices, which are usually just banged up boxes or something).

I'm so sorry your sister's such a psycho. I feel terrible just reading you had to go through all of that. But as a 37yo woman who's still terrified of my BPD mom, I can't thank you enough for helping to save that child. (I literally just stopped talking to my own mom in November 2016, and I still wake up each day scared that she's trying to call, and I always think that all of her problems are my fault... I'm still going to therapy to get that out of my head, even after she tried to kill my toddler "to prove once and for all that she's a better mother than I am"...).

Do anything you need to keep that poor kid or of her "mother's" way, and let us know if you need anything. Please also ensure that your niece gets therapy, whether anyone thinks it's needed or not, I assure you that it is needed. Just because she's finally safe, doesn't mean that shit isn't still stuck in her poor tiny head - I wish someone had have brought me to "real therapy" when I was younger, cause it would have saved me from years of terrible decisions.

Good luck, and seriously please let me know if you need anything at all - we're all here to help, but I can even offer you guys some hotel points I've gotten from work or something on Amazon if you are really needing something urgently or need some time to relax eating some (amazing, hot, and free) waffles...

Huge hugs if you'd like some :)

They are the worst, these people!

Perhaps replacing the lock right now but keeping the current lock to reinstall once you move would help? That way you have a locked door between you but she can't whine about her key not working because the lock still exists and will be put back in place once the space is hers to do with as she likes.

You need a safe space where these people can't reach you. In addition to chains, maybe one of these? I had a hotel room with something like this once and even though I was staying alone, I felt really secure.

Honestly I would probably add this type of product to all of my doors and windows and install Nest or Ring cameras at each entrance, if that's affordable. Maybe even one pointing at her workshop so you can see whether she's hanging around trying to peek at you, Spy vs Spy-style. 🙂

So, I don't know if you are at all interested, but I know I was never really comfortable learning about sex stuff from a person, personally. I always preferred learning about that sort of thing from a book.

There's a sex ed book on Kickstarter now that's just the Sex Ed comics from the webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy.

Another (much drier and generally a bit more appropriate for people of the age where they're actually having sex) resource is the book Come As You Are by Dr. Emily Nagoski. It does have some parts that are good for all ages - particularly the part where it talks about how different genitals are made from the same materials, they're just configured differently.

There are a lot of other good literary resources from all ages, and I don't know if any of this is particularly appealing to you, given how open you are with all the kiddos, but I figured I should mention it just in case. :)

There’s a wonderful book you could give Lily about this. I HATED my curls as a girl, and untangling them was always a painful nightmare. My mom gave me the Curly Girl Handbook when I was thirteen and it entirely changed my relationship with my hair while also teaching me how to take care of it (and therefore care for myself). I love my hair now, and haven’t straightened it in years! It might be a helpful book for Lily.

Sounds to me like his Catholicism isn't real, it's just another label he awarded himself.

Blow his mind and get him to read some Thomas Merton, Daniel and Philip Berrigan, Blessed Oscar Arnulfo Romero, among others.

Seven Story Mountain is one of the most powerful books ever written and flys in the face of the brand of not really catholic BS the SD is spewing.

Could you get something like this so that you can be safe? https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B00186URTY/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 Since you use it on the inside your parents don't have to know.

​

I hope you will be OK.

I totally get not wanting to have her over if she has lice. If she called you herself, that could be a bit of a "cry for help" but not wanting lice in your house makes complete sense, especially if you have a child, too. Your sister's response to lice as "no big deal" is just face palm Especially if this is chronic. Poor kid. As someone who is also NC from part of my family, I would be trying to resist my ingrained "enabling/rescuing" impulses, unfortunately, because 1) there is helping the niece, and there is also 2) opening the door to the niece is potentially opening a Pandora's box of interactions with people who are super toxic.

The rest of this comment is to point something out to those who are all "not every child gets lice" and "my mom made sure we didn't get lice." Guys, you were lucky. Lice is a possibility for every child unless they are wrapped in saran wrap or never leave the house. Treating lice appropriately? That's where responsible parenting comes in.

And, treating lice, while super gross to think about, is not impossible. Time-consuming and boring, yes, but not impossible. So many of the comments in this thread are bothering me ("burn my house down!"; implications that only dirty/neglected kids get lice). It is completely possible for clean, well-loved children to get lice at least once in their childhoods. Now, not treating for lice? That is a whole different story. But lice is not the Scarlet N of childhood neglect.

Lice are easier for a young child to catch because young children don't think through things. They'll try on each other's hats; try on dress up clothes at a kids museum; try on things in stores, hug each other (putting their heads together); have their heads resting on the back of the seat in buses or other vehicles (instead of above the seat); etc.

Proactively? Keep their hair short or in braids, use tea tree oil shampoo or mist it on their hair, discourage them from trying on the clothes of others, etc.

If your kid gets lice, you are not a bad parent or neglectful. If your kid gets lice and you don't tell the other kids that he/she has come in close contact with or if you don't treat it? Then you are a neglectful parent. So many parents don't tell the school or other parents to check their kids because they are embarrassed, thus keep the lice going. The very worst outbreak of lice I've heard of that would not end (went on for the entire year!) was at a nearby private elementary school (I know some of the parents) full of rather well-off, majority white, professional white collar families. Everyone was pointing fingers and "no, not my kid" etc instead of just buckling down and getting rid of the damn lice.

The good lice combs are easy to get (Amazon!).

https://www.amazon.com/Nit-Free-Terminator-Professional-Stainless/dp/B000HIBPV8/

The treatments can be purchased over the counter. But frankly...no chemical treatment is going to work as well as comb-outs. Using the very cheapest, thickest conditioner you can find. Saturating the child's hair with said conditioner (coating EVERYTHING), getting a bright desk lamp, a roll of paper towels, and a good lice comb. Then, section by section, combing through the child's hair. It takes about 90 minutes with most kids. Each time you comb a section, the conditioner (which has slowed down any active lice) will come out with the combing. Wipe the comb thoroughly on the paper towel, check it for nits and lice, new paper towel, repeat. Until you have combed absolutely every section of hair. Wash the sheets, pillowcases and pillows in hot water and Oxy-clean. Bag up anything that you can't wash in plastic for a couple of weeks. (Stuffed animals etc.) Lice cannot live off of their host over 24-36 hours, but I'd err on the side of caution. Wash any hats or clothing that would have touched the child's hair in the last few weeks as normal, dry in the dryer. If you can't wash something in hot water or put in dryer, bag it up, leave it for a week.

Then, mark it on your calendar because you are going to do the same thing in five days.

Done. 99% of the time, this will get rid of any infestation (unless it is a really bad one that has been going on for a very long time...that may need more repeats and more washing.)

Chemicals alone won't always treat it. DIY remedies that you leave in the hair, same. Comb outs. That is the only way to go. And you don't need to pay for expensive ones. Comb outs are a DIY solution.

I can't tell you how many times I've had to show a mom or dad how to do this for their child, patted their hand, told them that it is not a mark of neglect to get lice. I never did as a child, but I think I got lucky.

Also, lice are nothing compared to scabies. I did get those (twice!) from backpacking overseas and sleeping in hostels...two different areas of the world. Those can be self-treated as well, but damn, they are going to drive you mad in the meantime.

My mother used an electric comb when I was younger. She and my grandmother both swore it made it much easier. That I didn't cry or fuss once they started using it. I remember them passing it on to another family going through the same thing when I was older, and the mom coming back to say how well it worked. (By that time I was brushing my own hair.)

https://www.amazon.com/Remington-DT7432-Electric-Detangling-Batteries/dp/B000JI9JYQ

I'm 46. So, obviously this isn't the same one. But it was similar.

• I have EXTREMELY thick, wavy, coarse hair. If that makes any difference. I still get gnarls in my hair, but since it's so thick, and they are usually underneath, I just cut them off if it's too hard to get them out.
  
  Edit: I'm white. I noticed a lot of reviews were for "natural" hair. And I think my comb had 2 rows that moved opposite directions to each other. I'm going to see if I can find one that looks more like it. (But mine was handed down from another family, so that means it was over 40 years ago. They improve things. 😃)

A lot of people rag on them for being underpowered from what I've seen. But seriously, a $60 tablet isn't going to have the best specs, and since it's primary use is a netflix machine with a handful of toddler games, it does it's job well enough. She has these and the corresponding apps.

We cut the cord a few years ago, and use a Roku and smart TVs for netflix and plex.

Mom is going to verify it with the lawyer, but a 3 year old can't really even know what's going on with recording something. Mom has an emergency parental order, so full parenting rights at the moment while the custody battleslaughter takes place.

I'm not still going strong, sadly. Lasted like 4 days after my first AA meeting, which was my longest streak, hit 3 days a couple times. I'm going to do the 90 meetings in 90 days thing, starting tonight. I'm also going to hit up my doctor for some meds that will help. I binge drank on sunday night hard and the last of the alcohol left my system like 2 hours ago, so I'm in a bit of a rough spot right now till walk-in hours start. I'm very fidgety and anxious, it feels like if I stop moving so will my heart, which I know won't happen and I've been through worse withdrawals.

My sister is doing something new and exciting, refusing to sign the supervised visitation forms for the place mom hired, because she wants either her dad or the paternal grandfather to supervise them(and probably supply everything she needs while letting her manipulate my niece or show up high or something). Both lawyers are a bit stunned by this because it's essentially saying she doesn't want visitation, and mom is acting in good faith by paying for it. Plus it's not bad pricing and will wind up at only $45 a week for three hours of visitation. Oh and she's doing this while promising niece that they're going to see each other soon.

The other thing that would be smart is for you to have your own cameras. You can get them on Amazon. Or you can order them from a retailer's website and pick them up at the store so you don't have to have them mailed to the house.

The other thing you can do is get one of these for your bedroom door. https://smile.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1539553114&sr=8-4&keywords=door+stopper I have seen them at Target. Or, there is thishttps://smile.amazon.com/Home-Premium-Rubber-Door-Stopper/dp/B01NGYKARV/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1539553114&sr=8-5&keywords=door+stopper. It won't work as well to block the door from the outside, but is cheaper and not as visible and easier to hide. A deadbolt would be best, but N's kinda resent that.

Aw this is such a sweet story. I absolutely hated getting my hair brushed as a kid for the same reason (still can't go to a hairdresser without breaking into an anxious sweat). You may have one of these already, but I've found a brush like this gets tangles out so easily and quite painlessly. (You can get similar ones cheaper at somewhere like B&M)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tangle-Teezer-Original-Detangling-Hairbrush/dp/B00JJ7T2V8

Amusing thought... you might want to get one of those pocket laugh track things.

She opens her mouth, hit the button... the "Blah blah blah" one might be useful too.

Those are products that really need video...or even audio..

you can try going to a pet store and looking for something called eye wash or eye rinse. or on amazon, something like this. I used to be a dog groomer and we'd basically use this for rinse dogs eyes after baths, to get out any soap or dirt that might have gotten in there to prevent irritation. I'm not sure if it would help, but it's inexpensive so might be worth a shot.

they also sell lubricating eye drops for dogs, basically visine for dogs. it's more expensive, but if money is tight it's probably still cheaper to try that than pay for a vet visit. things like this have good reviews on amazon, but I can't personally vouch for whether or not it'd work.

and man, you gotta go what you gotta do. I haven't been in nearly as serious situations as you have, and I still come off as either weird or an asshole because of anxiety issues.

It seems to me that your mom may be repeating patterns learned from her FOO. Is one of your maternal grandparents like your dad? She could've married your dad because of the comfort and familiarity of being a SG (as toxic as this sounds). This is a very common dynamic among people who grew up in abusive (in her case, emotional/verbal) households.

Can you provide your mom with some books she can read, like on a Kindle where it's easier to hide? In her case she may need the book "Why does he do that?" link here. https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

1. Order or purchase one of these, immediately. Doubly so since your landlord refuses to change the locks.
   
   
2. Go to the apartment appointment. Lock your pets in an area of your current place that doesn't contain his laptop/necessities. They will be fine not having the run of the place for a few hours. If you don't like this plan, take them, and all up to date vaccination records (esp rabies) to a pet day care location. Explain your situation. Tell them you only need a few hours, and that you'll pay whatever they charge you.
   
   
3. Sue him for the damages to your car in small claims. Even if you don't have a written document, him telling you he would pay for the repairs at the end is still a verbal contract. Talk to your lawyer (the same one for Ramon[a] situation) and get his input, but IMO this case should be worth the total value of the car, not just damages, because you asked him to maintain the vehicle, and running it into the ground is not "maintaining".
   
   
4. PM me if you're in NC. We may be able to figure something out with your pets.
   
   
5. Did they already do the repairs? I'm sorry, but I wouldn't have done them. If the car won't be worth $5k when you sell it, it's a lost cause already, and you might as well just buy another cheap car for that price, if you even need it. Since the repairs are done, they will need to be paid. If you don't have the money, can you ask for a moderate payment plan? They may be willing to accommodate.

:( sorry. I meant to add that if you did get into a serious confrontation, it would be best to run screaming from the house since sometimes dudes can get really angry and double up on their efforts.

Taking doors off the hinges is /r/raisedbynarcissists territory, it's very common for parents with personality disorders like narcissism to refuse privacy to their kids.

in the worst situation there is this door blocker:
https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-White/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=asc_df_B0002YUX8I/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=198057875972&hvpos=1o5&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3498565974050103574&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9060261&hvtargid=pla-404125275287&psc=1

there are several variations and some are pretty cheap but work surprisingly well. if your room is on a 2nd floor you may want to fix up a rope ladder so you can get out quick.

This will keep him out without damaging the door: Addalock

This one causes an alarm to go off (which I like because it may train him): Anndason Door Stop Security Alarm with 120 DB Siren