(Part 2) Best products from r/JUSTNOMIL

There is nothing JustNo about being excited about having step-grand-kids (or almost step-grand-kids).

You want to make your home a place where the kids feel welcome. They will notice if it is a stuffy old ladies house where they had nothing to do except play on their phones and sit primly on the sofa. So now is the time to ask your DIL what they like to do. Tell her you are excited, and you want to make your home a place that they will look forward to visiting. She and her SO will appreciate that welcome attitude.

Depending on their age, they may actually want to just play on their phones. Do not comment on this, but do ask the kiddo what they like, if you let them chatter your ear off about what they like, they may love you forever.

Then pay close attention to age related stuff:

If young, a stool in the bathroom does a world of good - so do plastic cups and plates (unless daughter says she has this covered). My nieces know where my stools are and know where my dishes for them are, and they help themselves. I also childproof my electrical outlets because it helps mom and dad relax more when there are toddlers around.

Regardless of age, having some age appropriate entertainment helps. Options:

1. Coloring books & crayons - ask your daughter about age appropriateness - they have great options for the really littles that involve a clear water "pen" and therefore low likelyhood of impromptu house murals.
   
2. Reading books - especially if they are new to the kids
   
3. Game or two
   
4. Do you have a local playground nearby?
   
5. My nieces love these silly glasses: https://www.amazon.com/Supplies-Drinking-Accessories-anniversary-Multi-color/dp/B072V3WKWR/ref=asc_df_B072V3WKWR/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241967215666&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=6498173301390288120&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9061285&hvtargid=aud-801381245258:pla-444986908750&psc=1
   
   Respect nap times/quiet times if any. If the kids nap, find out in advance if it would be helpful to set up a quiet place in your house where they can have a kid rest, or if they feel kid will nap better at the hotel. Don't take the napping schedule or need for hotel personally. Do try to schedule food so that it doesn't interfere with naps. This was the biggest thing my family had to get used to when my siblings started having kids - our lives revolved around naps, or our lives were full of cranky unreasonable tots. Those are your options.
   
   Don't give advice. I was just talking about this with my mom. We (your children's generation) live in the age of hyper information. We are inundated. It is at the tip of our fingers on our phones, and sometimes it is live-streamed into our phones. We spend our lives sorting through it to get the information we need. Which means, your advice, while well intention-ed, is just more of something we have too much of already. We love our parents and value them for who they are, not the advice or knowledge they have. So be secure in the fact that your daughter is taking this huge step, in bringing the kids home.
   
   Finally, review your menu with your daughter. Check that you are making at least some food that the kid will eat. If this means that you need to include Kraft Macaroni & Cheese - then count yourself lucky and make sure you have it.
   
   If for some reason they have to discipline a kid, don't over-ride them, and give them space. Essentially let them handle it, and act like it isn't your business. Then follow their cues for getting back to the conversation at hand.

As other commenters have said, she could be looking for ways to help/things to do. Think of her like a toddler or a puppy, if you don't give her something safe and acceptable to do, she will have to come up with something on her own. You could set up "task stations" throughout the house; clean towels to fold in the laundry room, recyclables to wash in the kitchen, coloring or a puzzle in another room, have the broom and dustpan out where she can easily see them, etc. If they are easy, common (familiar) housekeeping tasks she should be able to do them without getting frustrated and feel like she is contributing. When you are working in the kitchen, you could have her wipe down the counters or table. Include her in as much of the housework as you can, if she spends 20 minutes washing the table, or ten seconds on the table, four minutes sweeping the floor, and 5 minutes washing recyclables and dishes that won't break, even if she does it all poorly, she was occupied where you can keep an eye on her, while you actually accomplish things.

If she can still read, you can type out instructions for things like creating a load of laundry (picture of a basket filled to a full load of things that can be washed together with instructions saying that the basket needs to be this full of the same color of dirty laundry before it can be washed). Also put reminders on the machines that you have to wait until the cycle is finished before things can be removed and a new load started, and a reminder to take out the load in the machine before adding a new load. Don't make a big deal about the instructions being for her, you and your partner can loudly remind each other to follow the instructions every time you go do laundry. You will still want to supervise her, but the signs might be enough to get the problem under control for awhile. You can also use a sharpie to make a bold mark showing where the dial should point.

Another commenter suggested having a decoy garbage can of clean recyclables for her to dig through, you could expand on that by having a large container of clean, mixed recyclables and some smaller bins to have her sort them into. She gets the fun of digging and gives her a way to "help". Things she finds that she seems especially enamored with (like your pill bottle) can live there. You could also try having her wash the recyclables as you get them and she can add them to her collection, if she has a constant inflow, you might be able to have a secret outflow. Going from ten to zero is much more upsetting and noticeable than removing the same number as are put in to maintain 20.

I agree with everyone saying to lock up the garbage and dog food. These are great for locking cabinets and you can get ones that use strong double stick tape if you don't want to put screw holes in the cabinets. You can also get safety locks (aimed at toddlers) for washers and dryers, it is possible that you could find one, or a combination of a couple, that would be too hard for her to figure out.

For your packages, if you have space by your door, you could get a locking storage bench (if the one you like doesn't have a way to lock it, it isn't too hard to add some hardware). UPS, USPS, and FedEx all have ways to add driver/delivery instructions to shipments, where you could put the combination, on their apps and webpages (unfortunately, I think you have to manually add them to each shipment).

And don't forget to buy some healthy dog treats (or reserve part of the pup's daily food allotment) and put one days worth at a time in a special treat container (or half a day to make it last longer), so she can still "spoil" the pup.

Hi! I don't think I posted in your old posts, but I'm an Autistic mom of three Autistic kids and have been an active Autistic advocate for over a decade. :) If you need anything at all, my PM's are open. To start, there's a phenomenal book from the Autistic Women's and Non-Binary Network on Amazon called "What every Autistic girl wishes her parents knew" www.amazon.com/What-Every-Autistic-Wishes-Parents/dp/0997504528/ and it's VERY worth the read. :)

Autistic Women's and Non-Binary Network is a great resource: https://awnnetwork.org
Autistic Self Advocacy Network does some good work: https://autisticadvocacy.org
Foundations for Divergent Minds is an organization that uses neurodiversity principles to help parents adapt the environment to suit your kiddo rather than expect your kiddo to adapt to the environment: https://www.divergentminds.org
Onto the blogs that you really should read:

Everyone is going to steer you to ABA. ABA is coercive abusive BS. Here's a comprehensive post about why with links and all the better authors than me to explain: https://madasbirdsblog.wordpress.com/2017/04/25/i-abused-children-and-so-do-you-a-response-to-an-aba-apologist/

That blog link will explain why it doesn't even really work anyways.

Also, if you've discovered that kidlet doesn't make great friends, know that it isn't kidlet. There are actually studies that show that a lot of allistics don't really like us (Autistics) within as little as seconds after meeting us. Depressing but true. https://www.nature.com/articles/srep40700?fbclid=IwAR0M2Z3qTmpLxorT5X-Ja4V1jQ-Z3-wRsgSyAncp9UfYmD-UHbHyitOc3tA

I suppose I may have infodumped enough on a post that's probably not for that. >.> Just want to help. I guess feel free to PM me if you want more? HA! :)

This. Girl you need a will and guardianship papers stat! Find a good family law or estate attorney and get it done. It's worth the money. Keep a copy on file at your house (in a safe, if you have one), a copy at your lawyer's office and a copy at a bank deposit box (if you don't have a safe.)

Be sure to check the security at your day care. Do they have a pick-up list? Do they enforce it? My son's daycare required a pick-up list. The parent had to call in and let them know someone else was coming. And that person had to show ID when they picked up. See if you can set a password on your account, so if someone comes to get your child, they have to show ID and give a password.

Sounds like you're already doing great on the documentation and the home security. You might want to consider getting a safe. They're not that expensive. We got a 2.5 cubic foot one at Sam's Club and it was $300, I think. It holds a ton of stuff - our taxes, important papers, passports, my good jewelry. That way you could keep your documentation safe too. Especially the baby's birth certificate and social security card. If you can't swing that right now (which I certainly understand with having a new baby), maybe a safe deposit box at your local bank.

Finally, I recommend reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker, if you haven't already. It's all about trusting your own instincts in troubling situations. There are so many disturbing red flags in your post that are screaming "Danger! Danger!" in my head, and I don't even know this woman.

Good luck with everything. I hope you have some calm so you can enjoy your new little one without being stressed. And so that you can heal. Enjoy every moment because you blink twice and they're 10 years old. Everyone says it, but it really is true.

I posted this on someone else’s post yesterday, but I’m gonna share it with you as well:

I really recommend him checking out a book for adult children of narcissists. Out of the Fog is a good one.
There’s also one called “Children of the Self-Absorbed”, one called “Trapped in the Mirror”, and finally, “Emotional Blackmail” by Susan Forward. They are specifically for adult children of narcissists. Heres a list of others that are recommended for dealing with narcs. Some of the ones I mentioned are also on the list!

Wishing you two the best of luck. <3

I wouldn't call it forgiveness per say, but I try to work on not taking it personally. This book is a little hokey, but it was super helpful for me. One thing that helps: Remembering that everyone creates their own reality in their heads and acts based on that own reality. So, she does this stuff because the "facts" of the world she lives in are very different than the one you live in.


That doesn't mean you have to forgive her. That doesn't mean you have to trust her. And that certainly doesn't mean she gets to do whatever TF she wants just because it's "how she is." It means you can look at her, smile and shake your head sadly, and say, "No thank you, MIL." You don't have to be angry, but you also don't have to let her get away with anything. Enforce your boundaries calmly and confidently.


Obviously this is hard AF. I'm still working on it. I still have angry days. But it's way better than being angry all the time. Love to you. <3

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004KPLWIK/

Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women

"Almost ten years after its original publication, this groundbreaking and practical guide remains a wise, informed, and vital resource for those who want to assist a friend or loved one in her struggle to escape an abusive relationship. Susan Brewster, a longtime psychotherapist whose practice includes working with abused women and their families, recognizes that friends and family need specific tools and ideas to help them develop a relationship with their abused loved one that will ultimately benefit her, not control her."

​

While this book may be helpful, ultimately it's up to her to extract herself from the situation. A somewhat less than kind way to approach it would be to make sure her will and directives are up to date and copies are filed appropriately.

Ugh... barf!

Honestly sounds like he needs to tell them to fuck right off.

We told my MIL I was pregnant super early on.... and severely regret it. I would keep it PRIVATE until you're at least 20 weeks and feeling comfortable and confident in your pregnancy.

Also... if they continue to act this way it just shows how little respect they have for you and once you tell them you are pregnant it sounds like they are going to be even more intensely overstepping boundaries.


I would recommend getting the book Future Focused Parents-to-be and do this with your HB so the two of you feel solid and on the same page about what you can and can't accept. https://www.amazon.ca/Future-Focused-Parents-Be-Planning/dp/0578406624/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=future+focused+parenting&qid=1555422544&s=gateway&sr=8-3


Best of luck!

My wife's family FUCKING HATES ME. Like with a passion. I am obviously the worst thing that has happened to her, as I make her happy, provide her a good home, beautiful children, a safe environment. But I also laid down the law. I set some serious and strong boundaries with her family. and they buck against them constantly, but all that has gotten them is NC for months/ years at a time. it has been hard for my wife, but the less time she spends with them the happier she is.

I've posted this before, but you should really read this book with your SO: http://amzn.to/1PuoGrQ - actually it should be required reading for anybody who visits this sub. Read it, and discuss boundaries to set with his family. if he is willing to set and follow and enforce them, He might be a keeper, but if he does not then leave.

It took about 3 years for my wife to realize the poison her family was on her, us, and our kids. With boundaries, we can have at least a cordial relationship with them on our own terms.

I do NOT regret marrying my wife, I love her dearly, I regret not setting some serious boundaries before we even got engaged.

I have 3 small "porcelain"* dolls that my mother brought me when she went to London years and years ago. My 3yo BS LOVES them. He calls the little girl doll his baby and will carry her around all day. The boy dolls are Baby K (BS6) and Baby W (BS3). At 3yo he knows to hold Baby carefully and to set her down safely before he does anything else.

​

If a 3yo whirlwind in the shape of an little boy can manage to hold and play with a breakable doll without it breaking, an adult sure as hell should be able to do so! I'm of the opinion that your MIL did it on purpose. Especially with denying it and then that crack about dolls being for little girls. And normally people don't sit on a couch and wait patiently when something falls accidentally and breaks. They call out warnings/explanations or get up to see if it can be picked up.

​

*I don't know that it is porcelain - they are definitely breakable but are more sturdy than the antique doll that was my grandma z's prize. Here's a link to some dolls that are a similar style. (Mine really aren't terrifying, lol) I originally let BS3 play with the dolls because I was just going to donate them and he liked them. https://www.amazon.com/DISTURBING-COLLECTION-NOT-PORCELAIN-TERRIFY-CHILDREN/dp/B07GWM7PS1/ref=sr_1_22?keywords=porcelain+doll&qid=1550518383&s=gateway&sr=8-22

Wow. Just wow. Change locks, get a ring doorbell, double check all windows lock securely, and get security cameras and lights that light up the entire area when triggered. Instead of a chain lock, get a slide lock or one of these: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07MG4KR7G/ref=sspa_dk_detail_9?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B07MG4KR7G.

Cut her off of all social media you have. She has shown, by her words and her behavior (mixing allergens in the kitchen purposely) she can not be trusted. At all. I would keep the new baby and the older boys away from her. If she talks like that to adults, I can only imagine the vitriol that she will spew all over the boys. If she starts up with her poor me crap, let her know in no uncertain terms why. If she's brave enough to say it, she's grown enough to hear it.

Good luck and congratulations on the baby!

I know I'm commenting on an oldish post, but if you're still looking for meditation resources, I highly recommend 8 Minute Meditation: https://www.amazon.com/Minute-Meditation-Expanded-Quiet-Change/dp/0399173420/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1536287257&sr=8-3&

​

What I love about this book is it makes meditation HIGHLY approachable, even for people like you who have insanely busy lives, and walks you through many of the different kinds of meditation that are out there. Might be worth taking a look.

I'm glad you made her realize how stupid she was being. I highly recommend wearing DD in the meantime so she can't be passed around like that anymore. She's only 9 weeks, and she needs to be able to relax before being tossed around like a hot potato, she'll get plenty of that as she gets older especially with how often you're visiting your IL's and family.

Something like this should work well. It will keep her close and people won't be able to just grab her, and it's hands free so you can still socialize and eat while keeping an eye on her.

https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Wrap-Ergo-Carrier-Sling/dp/B01CYTYSR0

There's a thimble that is made of leather and has a metal piece where the needle hits for heavy duty sewing. If you look at amazon it's called a leather coin thimble (the piece of metal is the coin). It's made by Clover.

Clover also makes a ring type thimble out of leather. Ring type thimbles made of metal could work too without the awkwardness of the normal metal thimble, but the leather one is flexible so might be more comfortable. There are thick, wide, unadjustable ones and thinner adjustable ones that have a pad where the needle hits.

But otherwise you can plug in thimble, soft thimble, flexible thimble, silicone thimble (that comes up with some non-thimble finger caps for things like a hot glue gun and needle pullers and other stuff).

Oh hey, they sell a silicone thimble with a metal top, that might work well for you. Here

Please, please, PLEASE hear me out on this.

My husband and I went through the Valley of the Shadow of Death in our marriage almost 10 years ago, and a huge part of it was him and his mom separately gaslighting and passive aggressively manipulating me.

The most important lesson I learned in that year from hell was LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.
There is no tool more powerful for you right now than the quiet voice in the back of your mind saying, "Something doesn't seem right about this...". At times it may be confusing because 'So-and-so would never say or do that!', but I promise you that you have an amazing mind and parts of it are working 24/7 processing all the data you receive and finding the patterns you could never consciously think through.

I saw warning sign for over five years before everything blew up, and I ignored every single one of them because I didn't want to deal with the potential fallout.

From everything you've said your MIL is 100% aware of what she's doing, she's CHOOSING to do this, she's been playing the long game, and that's terrifying.

But you know what? It's ok to be terrified.
Number one, it means you are now both aware of what's going on and you're not ignoring or minimizing it, which in turn means you can now work to handle the situation.
Number two, CC had broken her facade. The poet Maya Angelou summed it up perfectly when she said,
>When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

MIL has not only been explicitly clear about what she thinks of you, but she has done so in front of multiple witnesses (and possibly security cameras-- might want to get copies of video if possible). Neither her, D(amn)H, or anyone else can gaslight you about this.

If you can get a copy of "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Dr Becker. Its arguably the most recommended book on JNMIL, and I think it would do you a world of good.

You are handling all of this so well, especially while expecting DD. Take time to take care of yourself and kiddos, and know that you are not alone in all of this. (hugs, if wanted)

Okay, I'm a fire sign. I still know how to mind my fucking manners. They're not fire signs. They're rude and out of line.

Since they do not have mental boundaries? Use physical ones. While baby wearing can help? Another great one is the lovely and dead cheap doorstop! And we're talking the cheap kind. Works on all floors and fits neatly into a zip up pouch so you can store one in your diaper bag. If you do not have access to a door that locks? This will wedge a door shut long enough to change a baby or feed a baby in privacy. That means no grabbing the baby. If they try to follow you in? "Sorry, we're teaching the baby that he's allowed to have privacy when he's in vulnerable situations."

Another way to use a physical boundary? Face to face confrontation can be hard. So can causing a fuss. Distance is easier. So, when a reasonable boundary has been crossed? Like, either one of them doing something you have specifically said you do not want done? Would you look at the time? You have to go. If they're over at your house? You've just come down with a splitting "You're giving me a" headache. They have to go. And at the end of this? "Say goodbye to Granny!" exit.

If you are going to start working? The only way you agree to do so is if you and your SO both agree to, and can afford to, put your son in daycare. No, they will not be taking the baby for their own fun. No, they will not be on any pickup forms. No, they are not on pediatrician permissions or anything else. That daycare acts as a physical wall against them. Those professionals will call the police if these two decide to pull anything.

Wish you the best in your situation!
I've heard a guy named Dave Ramsey recommend the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud a LOT to people dealing with these types of family issues. You/FDH may be interested to read it?
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
https://www.cloudtownsend.com/what-do-you-mean-boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend/

We bought this one last year for one of the beds at my Dad's cabin and really like it. It came in an impressively small box that was really easy to drag upstairs. I like it so much that I leave my husband to sleep in the king sized bed and I get all the comfort of sleeping like a starfish if I want.

I've a disc in my back that has been giving me issues since December. NO problems getting up in the morning when I sleep on this mattress. Have been considering getting the 12" king for our bed at home.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PZ22KQA/ref=s9_acsd_hps_bw_c_x_1_w

I hope it gets better. Have you tried KT tape on the arm? I've been using it and it really does ease a lot of the strain.

*insert obligatory "Hail Bezos" here*

https://www.amazon.com/KT-Tape-Original-Kinesiology-Therapeutic/dp/B001RQYF1Q/ref=sr_1_1?s=sports-and-fitness&ie=UTF8&qid=1526229457&sr=1-1&refinements=p_4%3AKT+Tape

I got turned on to this after a bad knee sprain.

Here's how to tape the elbow.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wa7FUlJCzyA

Yes, we have these dandy ones, they work very well, have a lock-stop button for times when you want them to stay unlocked (e.g. cleaning time), and are fairly easy to install. $25 for 8 isn't a bad deal either. Any sufficiently strong magnet can unlock them if you lose the key, but we're pretty much talking neodymium magnets here, so toys won't do it. We keep our key on the side of fridge.

Love this one! https://smile.amazon.com/VTech-KidiBeats-Drum-Frustration-Packaging/dp/B071Y71Y3J/ref=sr_1_5?crid=Y087H4N2FI0B&keywords=drum+set+for+kids&qid=1574784588&sprefix=drum+set%2Caps%2C143&sr=8-5


My daughter has it and loves it.

My DH and I got this one when we moved last, it's cheap and SO COMFY! Even better if you have amazon prime, free and fast shipping!

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PZ22KQA/ref=s9_acsd_hps_bw_c_x_1_w

Best $3.50 you'll ever spend, trust me.

https://www.amazon.com/Shepherd-Hardware-9133-Heavy-Rubber/dp/B00004YOHN

Buy the book “Will I Ever Be Good Enough” by Dr. Karyl McBride ( https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436 ) and give it to your wife. It might help her start to understand how her mother will always treat her.

Do you know about "The Four Agreements"? It's a book, you can check it out here: https://www.amazon.com/Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal-Freedom/dp/1878424319/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1484156129&sr=1-1&keywords=four+truths

Anyway, the first agreement is that no one ever does anything because of you. People only ever do anything for themselves. Even if it is a "selfless" gesture, it is still made only because the giver wants to or it has some other benefit for them. Acknowledge this truth with TT and FIL. Maybe buy the book for DH.

So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.

I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.

2 books I highly recommend:

https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.

These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.

You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.

> Just since the party that we’ve had on camera. What could she have planted? I don’t know how long she was there before we heard her screaming so she could’ve have time to do something in the yard.

This will help you find anything she could have planted:

https://www.amazon.com/Detector-Wireless-Tracker-Portable-Eavesdropping/dp/B07RT2SH8R/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=wireless+detector+spy&qid=1562916378&s=gateway&sr=8-5

Thank you - I'm gonna go read.

Edit: ah yes, memory refreshed. That self-help book... I mean I've been sexually assaulted too and that book would NOT have been welcome!

If you ever wanted a self help book, this one might be more the thing...

This book helped me A LOT.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0310247454/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1501342010&sr=1-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=Dr.+Henry+Cloud&dpPl=1&dpID=41cX7krXwwL&ref=plSrch

Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.

Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.

Was gonna suggest this for OP. Someone posted these magnetic locks to kid-proof cabinets, they require a magnet key to open. Install these and protect your dirty clothes, OP. http://www.amazon.com/Safety-1st-Magnetic-Locking-System/dp/B004GCJMLG/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1453149261&sr=8-3&keywords=magnetic+baby+locks

I recommend this book to you. It will guide you how to establish boundaries. The more time DH spends with your mom maybe the more he will see what a shit person his own mom is. You can even use yourself as an example. Point out how you parent your own kids and how its not how MIL parented him.

I have a husband that also downplays or brushes off shit his mother does. I just mostly put distance between them and made it so we barely see her.Its the only way for him to have clarity.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454