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I do! I was born into a family that owned a Thai restaurant, which I took over from age 18 to 27, and I’ve also a total whore for Asian cuisine so I can definitely help with soy sauce suggestions!

So here’s a great tip: you should have at least two different kinds of soy sauce including a light soy sauce and a dark one, with perhaps two or three additional kinds of specialty soy-based seasoning sauces. While that sounds like a lot, generally soy sauce is an inexpensive ingredient, even for more high-quality brands, and a bottle will last you for ages. I’ll give you a few recommendations for each category. As a side note these are Amazon links, but if you have access to an Asian grocery store then I absolutely suggest buying them there instead as you would save at least 50% off the prices.

Light Soy Sauce: this is your workaday soy sauce, the kind you would add savory saltiness to stir-fries or dip your sushi in.

Pearl River Bridge Golden Label Superior Light Soy Sauce - is a great standby favorite of Asian chefs the world over, especially in the seafood palaces of Hong Kong. It’s less jarringly salty than say a Kikkoman, with more complexity. Pearl River Bridge is a really well-respected brand of Asian condiments, generally all of their products will be either good to excellent. Note that they produce two different varieties of light soy sauce, the “Superior” and the “Golden Label” - always go for the Golden Label, it’s just better in every way than the “Superior”.

The second light soy sauce I’d recommend is San-J Tamari - which is made wholly of soybeans without any wheat. While this is good news for anyone with gluten sensitivity issues, the flavor has a more pronounced umami because of it.

Dark Soy Sauce: think of dark soy sauce as a soy balsamic vinegar - it’s a highly-concentrated, almost syrupy sauce that also has a bit of sugar for a hint of sweetness. It is ideal for marinades, salad dressings, glazes, I’ve even used it in desserts!

[Pearl River Bridge Mushroom Flavored Superior Dark Soy Sauce](16.9 oz. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01M6A03MU/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ImLPDbGVGZ3K0) - is an umami bomb to your tastebuds, rich with portobello mushroom notes and a perfect accompaniment to red meat dishes like wok-seared ribeye with gai lan aka Chinese broccoli.

Healthy Boy Thai Sweet Soy Sauce White Label - as thick as molasses, this sweet soy is essential in traditional Thai noodle dishes like ผัดซีอิ้ว (pad see iew) and is also good when you want to add a little savoriness to sweet recipes. I once made sweet soy brownies with a healthy dollop of this and they were utterly fantastic.

Miscellaneous Soy Sauces: these are usually different varieties of flavored soy sauces from around Asia.

SHIMOUSA PONZU - ponzu is a mixture of soy sauce and yuzu, which is the juice of a Japanese citrus fruit. This bright sauce adds a lemony kick to salad dressings and jazzes up seafood. Try it as a marinade for salmon crudo or as a dipping sauce for your favorite sashimi.

Golden Mountain Seasoning Sauce - oh my god do I love this stuff, it tastes like my childhood as my Dad would always cook my favorite meal (pineapple fried rice with shrimp, chicken, veggies and cashews) with this sauce. It’s a soy sauce with a very distinctive tangy kick, and I use it in everything from fried rices, eggs, soups, noodles, stir-frys, you name it. Everyone I have sample this wonderful sauce ends up being addicted!

I skipped over a lot of stuff, like the recent rise in artisanal soy sauces, many of which are even aged in barrels! But I think that this is a good start for someone who wants to explore beyond the disposable packets they get from the takeaway place. Let me know if you have any more questions! (Or if you want a recommendation for fish sauces, because I could literally write monographs on the subject!)

Hey, thanks for being open about this. I’ve been in your shoes to some extent and understand the struggles.

The first thing I want to say is that, as others have pointed out here, you don’t have to be sexual if you don’t want to; our culture (the media we consume, the jokes we tell, the way our education system is structured, etc.) assumes that male-bodied and male-identified people must be aggressively sexual (this is an aspect of toxic masculinity).

That being said, it sounds like having sex and being sexual is something you’re interested in. And that’s great!

First, having a good therapist is extremely helpful. Sadly, thanks to our political-economic system, therapy has become a luxury that many of us can’t afford. You said in your post that you have a therapist, and that’s fantastic that you have that resource. I found that having a therapist with a background in sex therapy and sex education was particularly helpful; if your therapist doesn’t have that background, and you can afford it, I’d recommend reaching out to the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health – they have excellent therapists and frequently do therapy via online video chat, and have a sliding scale. Another option would be a somatic therapist, such as Elizabeth McGrath in Los Angeles (I’ve met and taken classes with her, and I’d recommend her if this is something you might be interested in); they use body-centred techniques to help their clients heal from trauma and get back in touch with and learn about their own bodies.

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, is education. Speaking for myself, learning about my own body and how others’ bodies work and how sex works has been the most important part of my journey, to the point that I’m planning on becoming a sex educator myself. We tend to treat sex as some arcane, secret thing that nobody is supposed to understand, and people who do are treated with suspicion, like witches, because they are delving into Things That Man Was Not Meant To Know. This is bullshit; as a friend of mine puts it, “Sex Isn’t Special (But Culture Makes It So).”

There are a number of ways to get the education you need but wasn’t given to you by our puritanical, patriarchal school system. One way is by taking classes – if you live near Boston or San Francisco, go to your local Good Vibrations store and get a list of the classes they’re running; if you don’t live near a Good Vibes, check out local feminist sex stores or sex-positive organisations like the CSPH I mentioned above, they usually have classes and workshops running for various kinds. For example, at the Good Vibrations in Boston I attended workshops on:

• Casual sex

• “How to Drive a Vulva”

• Blow jobs

• Pegging

• How to pick a good lubricant

• Having sex after cancer

• Intimacy for survivors of abuse

• Polyamory 101

And many more. The biggest thing that these events did for me is that they demystified sex and gave me a language for talking about it with partners. It helped me learn what I didn’t know and gave me a thirst for learning more.

There are also a large number of educators on YouTube that do sex education videos. The biggest is Dr. Lindey Doe’s Sexplanations channel, but there are many others; because I’m a queer trans person and almost all my partners are trans as well, I follow a number of queer people who do videos for queer and trans persons, including Stevie Boebi, UppercaseChase, and Ash Hardell.

The other big thing that can help is good books on the subject. There are two that I would say you absolutely should pick up as hands-down the best books for learning about bodies and sex. First, [The Guide to Getting it On, by Paul Joannides](https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Paul-Joannides-Psy-D/dp/1885535171/), and second [Sex is Fun!, by Kidder Kaper](https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Fun-Creative-Ideas-Exciting-ebook/dp/B00WDP7ZAI/). They both cover everything you could want or need to know, have resources for learning more, and they have lots of great illustrations. Another fantastic resource (which I’ve used on several first dates, including with my current primary partner) is [100 Questions About Sex](https://www.amazon.com/100-Questions-about-SEX-Conversation/dp/1452117373/), which can be great for talking with a partner about each other’s desires or for thinking over for yourself.

I hope you find this helpful!

For context, I’m non-binary (assigned male at birth and generally masculine of centre in presentation), pansexual, and I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at the age of 12. I was raised in a very conservative home and grew up with a highly distorted understanding of sexuality and was involved in some really bad relationships growing up, and I didn’t have sexual intercourse until I was 27. Since then I’ve had romantic and sexual relationships of many kinds with many different people, and it’s been a wonderful journey in learning about myself, my desires, and how to relate to others in a healthy, upbuilding way.

I think it’s kind of unfair to assume people are doing this as a “dumping ground” and not rather to give people a greater appreciation of the problem.

I could be similarly uncharitable to you and assume you are arguing in bad faith, but I did not. I think you have better conversations on the internet when one assumes the other is putting in the same level of though and intelligence as themselves.

You will see that my reply is not exactly on topic for the cited article but rather an extended explanation of unseen and emotional labor for someone who did not believe emotional labor (and likely unseen too, as it tends to go together) do not exist as structural problems in society.

My response, therefore, is a crash course on the issue that they can use as a jumping off point for actual peer reviewed research.

> Suddenly, the ridiculously long workdays tech bros brag about completing would be impossible, as their wives were no longer making their meals, doing their laundry, cleaning their house, scheduling their appointments, celebrating their family members birthdays with cards and gifts, ironing their clothes, caring for their children, picking children up at school, handling nighttime feedings, etc.

I also think it’s a mistake (although perhaps a socially reinforced one) to see this only as unseen labor (or rather, unseen labor excluding emotional labor).

Just as emotional labor can have two definitions, the one used more frequently in sociology (exuding emotions as a customer service job) or the media (managing the emotional state of others), so too do many of these unseen labors require an emotional labor of a sort.

Domestic duties go into making the home habitable and welcoming, and social expectations dictate that women should do this with a smile on their face. They should enjoy cleaning the house, caring for children, etc.

If you’ve ever cared for children, you’d know there’s an emotional labor of exaggerated cheerfulness and enthusiasm which is expected when playing with a child, and as the primary caregiver, this means being “on” all the time—even at night for nighttime feedings.

And celebrating a birthday or family occasion for a paternal family member is hardly an emotional labor free endeavor. Often it requires going to visit someone you don’t know and don’t have a connection with and conveying through your emotions that this person is loved and appreciated even if the individual who is supposed to be there is not present (the husband, who is the one with the actual blood or family connection to this person).

Edit: Here’s the book that mentions it:

For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts Advice to Women

I think the chapter is called something like “Housework and the making of dirt” or maybe “dust and the invention of housework”

> I don't know how to engage in that process without being pushy?

That's a fine line you sort out by practice. We all struggle through that and it's just a matter of having good intentions and paying attention to the person you're with.

> But I never could open myself to trying to regain attraction from the other when it was lost, because I felt kind of manipulative, like a pua

I think ultimately there's a difference between playing mind games and just being open and fighting for what you want in a relationship. i've had men i've been dating break up with me because X, and, when i've disagreed or really wanted the relationship to continue, I've said so and tried to keep it happening. Ultimately you can try to get the other person to see a different point of view, but you're never going to make someone change their minds if their minds are made up. The difference between being upfront about what you want and being a PUA is that PUA's make you believe like women can be controlled and can be made to be with you, which is very different from telling someone you think a relationship is worth fighting for and being in.

> I feel that my sexual desires are more reliable than womens'?

yeah! cuz you're you! I can't ell you how many times i've been attracted to a guy who seemed attracted to me and then completely disappeared! sometimes before we even had sex! you cannot control other people...the moment you realize that fact and accept that that's not what dating is even about, it gets a lot easier.

because then it's about:

• "i'm into you, are you into me? no? cool, NEXT!"
  
• or about "i thought you were into me, are you not anymore? no? cool, thanks for the good times, NEXT!"
  
  instead of about:
  
  
• "pleaaaaaaaseee we liked each other that one time we're the only two people left on the planet likeeee meeeeeeee" or
  
  
• "she treats me like shit but i reaaaaaaalllyyy like her why won't she treat me nice? I better stay here 4 years and make her Change"
  
  > contextualizing female sexuality
  
  you're confusing two things though. Liking someone and wanting to fuck them are two completely different things. The way people like each other has nothing to do with gender, it's just that women are who you want to date and they seem elusive to you so you think there's a difference. Women also crush on men who are not interested in them for months/forever. I crushed on one dude who barely even looked at me for almost TEN YEARS (it never went anywhere).
  
  female sexuality, when she likes to fuck? That's definitely more contextual, and there are plenty of scientific evidence to confirm that. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If you're interested in learning more about female sexuality, you should check out Come As You Are. Also I think one of Cordelia Fine's books, like Testosterone Rex, would be interesting. Both authors have gone on various podcasts to talk about their work, so that's another way to get the gist if you're interested but don't have the time.
  
  But ultimately the way to think about female sexuality is this: it's not yours to control, it's not yours to predict, and just because a woman wants to fuck you now doesn't mean she wants to fuck you later BUT ALSO just because she doesn't want to fuck you now, doesn't mean she doesn't want to fuck you later either. i turn my partner down for sex all the time (he does to me too, but that generally gets talked about less) and it has everything to do with my mood, how sexy i feel, and what i have to do later in the day and absolutely nothing to do with how much i love him. he knows no means no, but he also knows he can ask again later and the answer might be something completely different because whether i want to have sex or not has everything to do with whether i feel like it.
  
  

I'm not sure if this would work or not, but I would try redirecting people who have conservative or right-wing leaning views at least toward better thinkers than Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson and toward optimistic views of the future of society, to cull some of the us-vs-them and zero-sum thinking that plagues these discussions.

Sometimes it feels like men, especially, feel existentially threatened by other modes of thought, so being at least sympathetic to the good bits of their ideas and offering something similar but that promotes openness and liberal ideas may help.

Hans Rosling's Factfulness presents a pretty optimistic view of the world. It's all getting better! Seriously!

Jonathan Haidt (and Greg Lukianoff for the first book)

• The Coddling of the American Mind: How Good Intentions and Bad Ideas Are Setting Up a Generation for Failure
  
• The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion
  
  I had worried that the first book would be a reiteration of right-wing talking points around safe spaces, but I was surprised to find it a good listen so far. It mentions several cognitive distortions and how cognitive behavioral therapy can overcome them as well. The second book is sympathetic to conservative views and gives a good tour of moral psychology. Really recommend.
  
  Steven Pinker's The Better Angels of Our Nature: Why Violence Has Declined is also good. Seriously, the world is getting better! Pinker is heavier on the nature side that most lefties, so knowing that may make people more receptive if they won't receive an gender argument without some mention of biology.

I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.

If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.

Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked

Hey! Congrats on taking action for yourself! Even making a post is doing that!

Try using [this] (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists) tool to browse for therapists near you. put in your zip code, a mile distance, and other issues to start.

While i'm more on the anxiety disorder side of things and less the mood disorder side like yourself, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is generally useful for many basic issues if you use it correctly, just try to stay away from Psychoanalysis if you can.

A book I would definitely reccomend is [Feeling Good] (https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336) by David Burns. It does sound self helpy and gimmicky, but it's not. It introduces you to the basics of CBT, cognitive distortions and evidence collecting excercises that you can do on your own or with help from a therapist.

Just know that MANY more people than you think deal with mental health issues. It's something like [1 in 5 in the U.S] (https://www.nami.org/learn-more/mental-health-by-the-numbers). It's my dream that within my lifetime we can see mental health hygiene policies be implemented by institutions and organizations throughout the country with the same depth and totality that toilets and handwashing were in the early 20th century.

Good luck! You aren't alone!

To be fair, our sex drive is regulated (if that's the right word?) or managed differently, if I recall correctly the most prevalent theory these days is spontaneous desire (most common in men) versus responsive desire (most common in women). It's like 2 cars with the same amount of gas (the sex drive), both can have the gas pedal floored but if one has the brakes on, it won't go as far as the other. Women tend to pile on the brakes more easily.

/r/deadbedrooms has a surprising amount of info on the topic specifically because they deal with those differences on a daily basis (I got redirected there to read a lot).

Google has a lot to say about the theory and if you're interested in something more concrete, check out "Come As You Are"

I'm still not convinced that these more subtle differences aren't attributable to biology though.

That's a really interesting observation!

I think that women are more socialized to defer to others and be concerned about social harmony, unfortunately at the cost of not being allowed to value their own well-being or status. I see so many girls admonished to "think about how they feel" instead of being allowed to feel their own emotions.

Additionally, people generally don't socialize boys to feel and display emotional vulnerability, so as men, it can go to extreme poles of fighting/arguing/escalating (to avoid losing face) or to wallow in self-pity (possibly trying to display remorse but not having practice?). And especially if there are a lot of women observers, they will feel socially compelled to comfort a man (because emotional labor).

I recently picked up Deborah Tannen's book on gendered communication - You Just Don't Understand - and while it's a bit older and outdated, there are a lot of interesting insights that are helping me to frame and understand these differences more, and to appreciate how they are sometimes changing (usually for the better).

And there is so much to unpack over how people respond to others online based on their perceived gender...

I couldn't find any when my wife was expecting. I looked, but everything that turned up online or even in the store was all written with the premise that the father-to-be is some beer-guzzling knuckledragger. I wound up buying this book in the end, and it's actually really helpful for almost everything you can think of.

https://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child/dp/0553393820

Apparently there is this one and a sequel book that look promising.

https://www.amazon.com/Expectant-Father-Ultimate-Dads-Be/dp/0789212137

We received The Expectant Father as a gift when we were expecting our first. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember what was in the book, but I do remember the reassuring feeling I had when I read it.

So... it’s probably down the alley of what you’re looking for

I taught myself CBT from a book that cost $6.79: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336 and meditation, well there's a lot of internet resources that are cheap or free.


As a commenter posted below, most social services are offered at a state or county level. Local politics is a lot easier to change than you'd think. If you're upset at how your local state is doing, perhaps you should do something about that?


Because, if you're trying to sell that we ought to redirect funding from childrens programs, well, you know that is a futile fight.