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>Through the process of leaving my abusive narc ex, I have learned a lot about myself. Each day is a new opportunity to grow and change. Now that I understand my patterns a little better, it is possible to move forward in a different direction. An almost crippling loneliness used come over me when I was out of abusive relationships. In fact, in the past there have only been a few months separating 3 year long stints with narcissistic men. Even though I know this, my brain and body are starting to get distracted by the urge to connect with someone. This is clearly a time to put emphasis into self care and school. I shouldn't really be dating for at least a year if not longer. That doesn't stop that part of me from crying out. Now that I am single with a new level of self esteem and confidence, people are starting to notice. The attention is flattering but it is important to remember my goals and dreams. If I give myself away to another destructive cycle, it will only further deepen the pain. I want to be stronger than this energy. The young woman in me feels like she's been hiding under a rock for years.

This is an amazing paragraph. So nice to read. So nice to hear. So glad to hear. Sounds pretty kick arse to me. Yes ma'am. Definitely kick arse indeed.

>Today I almost missed him a little even though most of the time the relationship was full of negativity. He didn't lash out all of the time but I was always on edge waiting for it to happen.

Is this really missing him specifically, or missing a connection, a partner? When you have your empathy turned up to high, you want a place for it to go, you know? Its best to turn it down some. It sounds awful, but for safety and boundaries, being super empathetic can put a target on your forehead. You can be empathetic, have boundaries, and have good defenses and confrontation skills. You just need them all together first. Maybe turn that on yourself, date yourself. Buy yourself some new DRAWERS or some new socks.

>It seems like I apologized a ton because the first thing that people told me when I started getting out into the world was to stop apologizing for things that were out of my control. It just feels like it is my fault somehow or there was something that could have been done to prevent it. This comes from years of wounding from my alcoholic mother. No matter what I did, I could not stop her from destroying herself and abusing me.

Well, you have FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) at play here. Apologizing for other peoples unhappiness or issues when they arent your fault. Pretty common, especially if you have people pleasing tendencies. And you probably would with your trying to please and placate your Mom both to help her (being the adult even as a kid and taking care of her instead of her being your adult parent) and its even a defensive mechanism to protect yourself by preemptively meeting the abusers emotional and physical needs.

Its quite a lot to deal with. And the layers pile on top of each other, dont they. It takes time to work through it all. It didnt happen overnight, and it wont be resolved over night. So be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. You deserve it. And dont forget to stop and smell the roses. You have already done some fantastic work. Do something to mark that achievement. Those underoos wont buy themselves.

> I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I am ruining his life.

> If he made me cry from screaming at me

> I used to call them when he'd start scaring me really bad

> he wouldn't let me go celebrate

> He told me I was too sensitive

> He screamed at me

> he proceeded to use it for about 8 months without my knowledge

> I wanted something we both liked but that wasn't an option

> I wasn't allowed to be on my phone unless he was

> my feelings are invalidated

> He never let me spend money on myself

> act like he was such a philanthropist for childrens charity

> Would pressure me into having kids

> based his happiness on "things"

> He lost it when I got my old bed and a few items I had pre-marriage

> He wants me to pay for two of his credit cards and pay him alimony on top of all of this

> he bought a brand new laptop that month

> He also wants to get 75% of the profit from the house

Just wanted to pull these and make sure they are starkly listed out. Your husband is incredibly abusive. I am SO excited for the life you will have without him in it! :D What has helped me to feel better/less guilty is to thoroughly research narcissism. Once I understood that my N was a complete vampire and was just using me for adoration and power trips, my guilt began to recede. There are some good links in the sidebar, and there's a list of books that people have found helpful there, too. The most popular is "Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, start doing things for you. Do things you like or care about. It doesn't sound like he's given you much of a chance to do them. Best of luck, and feel free to hang out in this community! It's been super helpful for me as well as many others.

I recommend reading "A General Theory of Love" https://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223

One way to try to stop dating men is to try to figure out the dynamic and learn how to ID it early, and avoid those types of situations. But that doesn't change the fact that your status quo is to crave those situations that are unhealthy, but what you are most used to.

Another approach is to learn healthier attachment, to the point that what you want has fundamentally changed, and that the unhealthy patterns just don't do it for you any more.

The book I recommended is really great for getting an overview sense of how attachment works.

Then, trying to apply it to create situations where safe attachment can take place, and the other person(s) have a healthier, calmer limbic system than you. Therapy, healing friendships, healthy social situations--whatever situations can help "bring you up" to a more connected approach to the world.

Thanks. Healing will be a looooong process, especially for us who’ve been warped by these people’s behaviors for so long.

I was the same way (up/down/extreme) for months. It slowly improves. In fact the slowness is frustrating abut I accept it as what it is. And I’m so thankful for this sub, they got me through the worst events in my life and gave me hope! May never leave, hahaha

The therapy group I’m in now with same individual one I mentioned earlier, uses Linehan’s DBT handouts workbook and I can’t recommend it enough, it’s so helpful. It’s distress tolerance skills like breathing/mindfulness/relaxation but also helps you psychologically come to love yourself, be more realistic, and take control of our own minds. It’s active (fill in like a workbook) so it gets you reflecting on your situation in practical ways (as opposed to just another book).

DBT® Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572307811/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_72b2CbJDVNKFV

I hear free meetings like CoDa and NAMI and maybe at local DV places can be helpful too. I even found a group on Meetup for narcissistic abuse victims! So that’s another non therapy possibility!

Best of luck. It’s hard. But so worth it. Don’t look back and worry what they think, because they don’t understand AT ALL!

She doesn’t sound like a true narcissist but somebody that has an avoidant attachment style. Also sounds like you have an anxious attachment style ( I also have this). I recommend reading the book Attached to learn more about yourself and it’ll help you for falling into relationships with women like her. The book explains how people with avoidant attachment style are hot and cold, push you away, and talk about their ex’s. Narcissists normally lack empathy and exploit people for their own gain. They see you as an object in their reality and not like a real person.

Awesome post and great comments, some really good advice all around.

Well done on getting this far friend.

This book may be useful to your right now

N’s use triangulation to essentially control the narrative by manipulating others to see things through their perspective, which is them the stable partner and you the exact opposite. They will say things like “well so and so agrees with me that you are blah blah, or I told so and so about a,b,c and they said you are [insert negative trait]
In your situation it sounds like he is doing it to your face which is even worse, these people are not your friends - at all.

Unfortunately is no way to defend yourself here, you end up just reinforcing the belief that you are x,y,z. And cause he is ‘such a nice genuine guy’ (false self they display to the world) why wouldn’t they believe him??

My ex used the same language, I don’t have many genuine male friends, women just understand me better. Umm yeah, with that massive chip on your shoulder and victim mentality it’s no wonder men don’t want to engage with you long term. It’s the traditionally (I’m generalising here so please excuse me) female traits of care and empathy and patience that they are relying on to hook them in.

I asked my Nex in the beginning if he was talking to any other women, he said no. Come to find out he talked to countless women, online, at the gym, at work, on these women centric (oops it just so happens only chicks seem to have the same dog breed as me) Facebook groups he joined. When I called him on it he said I was referring to ‘talking to sexually, not as friends, and I don’t talk to anyone sexually so you should have been more specific’. No MF’er you know exactly what I meant - Argghh!!!

I’m concerned you are still in this situation, it’s incredibly difficult to heal in the same place you were hurt. I am two years post break up, however only discovered covert narcissism through this sub about 6 months ago...it has reopened the wound as validating as it is to know if wasn’t me all along. I can’t imagine still being with him, and living ‘in the fog’ with a partner who will ultimately tear you down. 10 years, I’m gobsmacked you aren’t in a straight jacket by now, you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

The following book (suggested by another user here which opened my eyes to this type of abuse) was a fantastic resource for me, I highly recommend it. It has a chapter around intermittent reinforcement which is what he is doing with the future talk minus him scenarios, inserting maybes into your self conscious is an incredibly powerful, and effective psychological tactic narcs use as part of their arsenal.

https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Psychological-ebook/dp/B078KXGS98

Hi - Hope I'm not too late to the party:

"The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists" - Rokelle Lerner

This covers:

• Explaining what narcissism is
  
• Dealing with it at home and in the workplace
  
• How narcissistic women tend to differ from narcissistic men
  
• How to deal with a narcissist in therapy
  
• Some strategies for surviving a narcissistic relationship
  
  HTH.

I wanted to recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life by Margalis Fjelstad. Massively, massively helpful for my own situation, and I think it will be a great help for you, too. It doesn't just focus on the narcissist, it also discusses the caretaker role along with practical advice on how to cope with, manage, or leave the narcissist.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1442238321/

Mine even bought this book, and when we would argue he would pull it out and take notes in it. I told my therapist about it and she said I was the furthest thing from BPD, but that she suspected he also had it in addition to his NPD. I remember reading the characteristics of BPD and I looked at him and said "This doesn't sound like ME, it sounds like YOU! It sounds exactly like YOU!" He was so pissed off, LOL. What a clusterfuck of a person he was.

Thank you. My friends mean well but you’re right. It’s a lot to put on them. Meeting with an attorney is a scary thought... I know if I even mention divorce she’ll want to pick the attorney and control everything... and that’s even if we make it that far and she doesn’t hoover me back with some diabolical plan I can’t even comprehend. She must know something is up. I’m acting so odd. I have not said the N word to her but she must know something. In many ways she is emotionally immature so I’ll keep her in the dark for my benefit.

I’ve been working through some of the PTSD symptoms with my therapist and they’re manifesting as nightmares an anxiety/panic attacks. I’m reading a book on narcissism right now and the chapters on control and manipulation are like reliving my entire married life as a horror story. I feel like I want to throw up. I’m afraid of her. I’m seeing her for who she truly is, what her father did to her. On a side note, it’s a fantastic book.

My therapist recommended this Boundaries book (can get it on amazon pretty cheap) and it has been a really good read. They have expansions such as Boundaries in marriage, family and kids. I needed this after I was discarded and still would let my nex and his flying monkeys push my boundaries. boundaries book

Someone recommended a book on the Narcissistic Abuse and Divorce thread this week. It’s called MAGIC Words: How To Get What You Want From a Narcissist. The author is a survivor of narcissistic abuse, who has to coparent with her nex, and she drew on her background as an advertising and marketing exec to basically figure out how to spin what she (and their kids) needed from the nex as being in nex’s interests.

It’s exactly like what you described with the toothpaste. I stumbled upon a similar technique with my nex ... and yeah, it feels really gross, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, it’s the only way. I plan to use the book when I go fully NC with my nex once our divorce is finalized. It might help you figure out a way to leave that makes him think it’s his idea.

Definitely consult with a domestic violence agency as you formulate an exit plan. Best of luck, and keep us posted if it’s safe to do so!

I was exactly like you 2 months ago - i know how you feel I also "just snapped" a couple times and i look back at the 100+ text messages and the 300 times in a row i tried to call him and was completely ignored - It just drives you to keep going and going like you think they are actually going to give in and talk to you but they don't - it is a pain like I have never felt before - especially when I had done nothing to deserve it - so please please don't subject yourself to doing it - read the books - also read this https://www.amazon.com/Start-Here-Understanding-Navigating-Narcissistic-ebook/dp/B076NSP79F/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1522789510&sr=8-3&keywords=dana+morningstar - this woman Dana Morningstar has a you tube page thrive after abuse - it has a ton of really good videos especially the 50 red flags series and she also does a live stream on wednesdays that you can ask her questions - very informative - this is what has helped me - if you ever need anyone to listen - I will - you are not crazy - he just made you think you were - I will validate your reality - you are not just a toy he got sick of playing with!!

Just wanted to second the recommendation of "The Gift of Fear". And to give my support to the OP.

It is a gift now that you are away from him. He may have taken physical things from you, but he can never take away your strength, courage, tenacity, or your many virtues.

Don’t allow him to make you feel any lesser than you were when he met you. It’s all an illusion. There’s this quote:

you were a dragon long before
he came around and said
you could fly

you will remain a dragon
long after he's left

You can do this. You are a strong capable human being. Don’t give up and don’t feel discouraged. You can literally achieve anything you set your mind to

Stay no contact. These losers aren’t worth even a moment of your time/energy.

Work on healing your depression (regular excercise, omega 3s, eBaying activity to avoid rumination, sunlight exposure, social support, and sleep)
This is advice from the following book:
https://www.amazon.com/Depression-Cure-6-Step-Program-without/dp/0738213888/ref=nodl_

Yoga really helped me heal from narc abuse

Here it is.
Yes, it's called 'learned helplessness ' and it's pretty common with abuse. But when you really think about it, you've been doing it all along, with probably little to no help from him. You're more than capable, especially once you get out from behind him holding you back. Stay prepared and you will make it. After all the threats from my ex about taking the kids away, not paying support, etc, I receive 49% of his paycheck for the next 5 years until I establish my own career that I had to put on hold while he advanced his career. You're going to be okay. Have you read the book "Why Does He Do That?"? That one I actually have as a pdf and can email it to you if you pm me your email address. Those two books changed my life!

After my last relationship with ANOTHER toxic person I started seeking out answers as to why I attract toxic people. I came across this book “The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap” by Ross Rosenberg and it was really eye opening. I won’t get into details here but check it out.

As soon as you said "walking on eggshells" made me think of the book about borderline.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572246901?pc_redir=1407856972&robot_redir=1

I wish I had read this book earlier. Despite having a restraining order my STBX has been launching social media attacks against me. Brace yourself because it's likely going to get worse before it gets better. There are a lot of triggers in a divorce that set off someone with NPD. Most recently a judge had to compel her to sign her paperwork which set off an online rant against me.