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You're drowning in negative thoughts and self-hate, but there IS a book I've read that helped me with those same issues.

The GOOD book. Have you accepted Jesus Ch--nonono I'm just kidding.

There is a good book on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that turned a lot of things around for me. Here's the link to it on amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326

You DO have it within you to become loveable, smart, successful, beautiful, and wanted. Definitely not all at once, and a lot of those aspects will need to begin inside of you. You need to love yourself before others will see how much there is to love you about you, too. You can do this. It takes work and commitment. Learning to love yourself when you've got a past as dark as yours, a past that didn't teach you HOW to love yourself, is a hard road to walk. I'm walking it still myself and I'm nowhere near the end, but I do know I'm better now than when I started, and tomorrow I'll be a little bit closer to the end of the road because I'm not done walking, I'm not giving up.

About the book: it's cheesy as fuck, and the author (if you see his picture) has a seriously disturbing abundance of forehead...but what he says about depression, and how it's primarily driven by our own negative thoughts, is just completely mind blowing. I understand the exercises may seem silly at first, but do them exactly as he says to do them and you may be surprised at how light you feel afterwards.

PM me if you feel you need any help with the book, or anything else. Hope things improve for you, stranger.

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you might wanna checkout these two books too while you are at it -

Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain: The Definitive, 4th Edition ...

You Can Draw in 30 Days: The Fun, Easy Way to Learn ... - Amazon.ca

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good luck!

I really highly recommend reading Sex at Dawn . It’s a great book by anthropologists about human sexuality- please check it out. It really gets to the root of a lot of modern day relationship issues.

Check out All the Shah's Men by Stephen Kinzer.
It's an easy and compelling read which ought to raise many questions and spur further curiosity on the subject. If you get through that, try giving this gem a go. It's an easy read that give a sweeping overview of religious developments through the region. Many debatable points made by the author, but an easy starting point to branch out from.

I don't rant much on the topic. Generally the ranting people are oversimplifying matters and attempting to reconcile their personal bias with reality. Be attentive of the people willing to step back and question what they think they know about this diverse region.

I actually did publish a book :) Its on amazon. https://www.amazon.com/Once-Upon-Wash-color-version/dp/1532899025 I am not sure where you read I wanted to have a book one day but I did actually get a book :) If you saw something out of date somewhere let me know.

oh, and by the way, if you want to go to photography school, pick up books by Ansel Adams. Book 1: The Camera and book 2: The Negative are awesome.

Yes actually, Here's the one I currently have, It is a tamagotchi mini, and this is the new one, Complete with the smile game.

Try this. Read This If You Want to Take Great Photographs https://www.amazon.com/dp/1780673353/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_4l06ybNTSSPHW

I recommend reading the book The Happiness Trap if you feel this way.
https://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Trap-Struggling-Start-Living/dp/1590305841

You can get them this kit

http://www.amazon.com/Kick-Ass-Aaron-Taylor-Johnson/dp/B002ZG983M

Lost Connections: Why You're Depressed and How to Find Hope https://www.amazon.com/dp/163286830X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_.uh3DbQAW7J1H