(Part 2) Best products from r/OCD

This is very unlikely to be a symptom of OCD. With OCD, there's usually a significant component of guilt, fear or anxiety - it's not really a known thing for people to have full-blown OCD obsession over things they actually enjoy. I mean, yes, we can be a little more obsessive than the average person over relationships and hobbies, but still...if you're researching something because you like it rather than because you're terrified of something bad happening, it's not really OCD.

What it sometimes can be, however, is a sign that someone's on the autistic spectrum. And people who already have OCD are already at a statistically higher chance of being diagnosed autistic. I'm currently being checked out by my doctor for what seems to be high-functioning autism (just got one more test to do in a few months' time...ugh, waiting lists!), and I had terrible OCD. A lot of people go undiagnosed, especially if you're female or you only have it very mildly, because there's misconceptions that everyone autistic is like in the Rain Man or Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, when really the symptoms can be more complex. This article is quite good for explaining the difference between autism-style 'special interests' (apparently that's the word they use to describe an obsessive hobby) vs OCD symptoms : https://www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/understanding-autism/behaviour/obsessions-and-special-interests

I have a lot of sympathy for you in this respect because I too tend to devote more time than I should to my special interests, when I should be doing other things. The autistic communities online have a lot of good advice on dealing with this; for me so far I've either tried to relate the thing I'm supposed to be doing to the interest I'm obsessing over (like, when I'm studying and writing papers, if I can use examples in the paper from one of my other interests, or use a theory that works in both fields, that helps). Or turning an obsessive interest into something I do practically/for a living/ to benefit others. One of my obsessive special interests was creative writing on a certain topic...and I've just a few days ago been invited to show a literary agent the full manuscript of my new novel. So it kinda worked out, just turning my special interest into something useful!

Alternatively, there's nothing diagnosably wrong here, but you might benefit from improving your willpower and ability to resist random urges to procrastinate. I've had to do some work on this, because having two disorders that affect your self-control and concentration can screw with you a bit. This book was quite handy for explaining how the mind works here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Willpower-Why-Self-Control-Secret-Success/dp/0141049480/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1492677569&sr=8-1&keywords=willpower

I was reading an interview with Maria Bamford where she name dropped the book "Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals". I was fully compelled to buy it once I found out that the author of it also suffers from OCD, and it shows in how he writes the book. He writes from the perspective of a couple of case studies, always keeping things interesting, and it's a great read. I'd definitely reccomend it. It also covers a bit of the history of ocd, some of which is about religious figures (scrupulosity was VERY prominent in certain famous Christian figures) and the various theories of what causes ocd.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440508479/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

I'd also reccomend a funny memoir written by a college-age sufferer, it's just an enjoyable read. He details his bout with ocd in college and it's very witty.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0312622104/ref=pd_aw_sims_5?pi=SY115&simLd=1

And lastly, this may be a bit off topic, but I'd reccomend Nikola Tesla's memoirs. They are a series of 3 or so articles he wrote for an engineering magazine, and in it he gives vivid details of how his obsessive thoughts inspired him to become an abstract thinker who could, essentially, build a machine in his head. He clearly suffered from OCD, probably Pure-O and social anxiety. He talks about having intrusive thoughts, and I found it so fascinating that I had many of the same daydreams that he has (he talks about wanting to project his mental images on a screen, I feel like OCD caused me to have the same wish), and it was awesome and startling.

This is the version I got. Found it in Barnes and Noble. Make sure to check that the one you get has the original text, some books use altered text and have spelling mistakes. I've found that this version of the memoirs has original text with a nice intro, though it also does not include the diagrams from the original articles (though they're all online anyways). I'd reccomend this version for sure.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0143106619?cache=01fd22648c4f493c36b2eaf0e89ced91&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1408880250&sr=1-2#ref=mp_s_a_1_2

Here are two quotes from it I love:
"I am credited with being one of the hardest workers and perhaps I am, if thought is the equivalent of labour, for I have devoted to it almost all of my waking hours. But if work is interpreted to be a definite performance in a specified time according to a rigid rule, then I may be the worst of idlers."

"Every effort under compulsion demands a sacrifice of energy. I never paid such a price."

Happy Reading!

Self-diagnosis can lead to trouble, but these are good interim practices: self-educating (so long as it's not distressing to you) and self-treatment (to the extent of journaling to identify OCD triggers, experimenting with herbal supplements, exercising regimens to relieve stress, and establishing a solid schedule for the sake of keeping your mind/body busy and confident about what's going to happen next). The book I'd recommend for you is The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Washing. Despite the misleading title (the book is actually a collection of brief memoirs from people with different types of OCD followed by medical commentary), it's actually one of the best books I've read for explaining OCD - "the doubting disease" - "the epistemic illness".

Question (feel free to PM your response, if you'd prefer): Are you more upset about what could be going on inside your head or what is going on in there? In my case, what helped me cope with the "not knowing" was imagining worse-case scenarios (usually because I couldn't help it, to be honest) and slowly, slooowly adopting an understanding that their implications in my mind, however real they felt, couldn't affect my real life. It was a kind of self-correcting Rational Emotive Therapy and I'm still an overly-critical perfectionist at times, but I don't stress about hypothetical scenarios anymore. I'd also strongly recommend reading the first few pages of Lee Baer's The Imp of the Mind, which can be found for free here.

The urge to balance out sensations is called somatic symmetry and most people don't find this too distressing on the whole - usually just distracting or embarrassing if there's no way to do it without being obvious. That said, if a person's been burned, pricked, etc, and feels the need to recreate the sensation on the other side of his/her body, that can obviously cause distress. The last time that happened to me, I quickly removed myself from the environment I was in to weaken the temptation to reproduce the sensation. You'll see this exact thing depicted in TV shows like Monk. One insight that may help you understand somatic symmetry is that OCD and Tourette Syndrome are neurologically associated comorbid conditions. In fact, people with both (as well as their clinicians) frequently report being unable to tell the difference between an obsessive-compulsive urge for a compulsion vs. a Tourettic urge for a tic. When the sensations are so similar, some clinicians refer to the symptoms as Tourettic OCD (TOCD) and you can read about it here. In any case (OCD, TS, or TOCD), phenomenological descriptions (how it feels) typically cite the sensation of something like needing to clear your throat or an "itch" that needs to be scratched. Like if I'm asking someone to scratch a certain spot on my back, they need to get the right spot, pressure, and duration or the itch won't go away. If you do a lot of reading about OCD subtypes, though, and still don't understand it all, don't sweat it. Even the people who've published scientific journal articles on TOCD don't entirely understand it. We all just have to do our best.

Asperger's is often associated with single-minded, obsessive, and analytical thinking. But so is OCD. The difference tends to be that in Asperger's, the things obsessed about aren't necessarily associated with the condition directly and don't necessarily cause distress: e.g., A person with Asperger's may be intensely interested in studying law, or building cars, or Chess, and find that these preoccupations don't cause any distress whatsoever. In OCD, the rule is that the preoccupation must cause you distress or it's not strictly speaking an obsession. A distinguishing question will be this: Do you have frequent trouble empathizing with others and understanding why they have the emotional reactions they do? If not, Asperger's becomes less likely.

This is all I have time to write for now, but I wish you the best of luck in learning about your stressors and finding relief.

When I was trying to find the perfect soap, my hands stayed perpetually dried out and cracked/bleeding. Luckily, I found a combo that works for me (and no more dried out hands!); it might not meet all of your criteria, but maybe it’ll help someone else.

• Hand soap: I gave up on antibacterial soap because it always seemed too harsh on my hands. Instead, I somehow ended up using hand sanitizer before every wash. I only get the kind with aloe (usually the big bottle Target brand). For the soap itself, I use Dove Sensitive Skin bar soap. It’s completely unscented and seems to rinse off clean. Everything else I’ve tried (even Dove regular) quickly dries my hands out, but somehow this combo works, and my hands are soft, smooth, “normal” looking, and clean.
  
  https://www.dove.com/us/en/washing-and-bathing/beauty-bar/sensitive-skin-beauty-bar.html
  
  https://www.target.com/p/aloe-hand-sanitizer-gel-32oz-up-up-153-compare-to-purell-refreshing-aloe-advanced-hand-sanitizer/-/A-14950568
  
  Runner up: Kirk’s Coco Castille. It’s super gentle and clean-rinsing, but it’s still a little harsher on your skin than the Dove Sensitive Skin.
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Kirks-Original-Coco-Castile-Count/dp/B004JMML9I
  
  
• Body wash: I usually use Dr. Bronner’s peppermint. It lathers up nice, rinses off clean, and feels cool/refreshing on your skin from the peppermint oil.
  
  https://www.amazon.com/Dr-Bronners-Pure-Castile-Liquid-Soap/dp/B00120VWJ0
  
  
• Shampoo: Like you, I dunno. I usually just go with Suave Rosemary Mint, but the Bronner’s is gentle enough to use on your hair in a pinch. In the summer, I switch over to OGX Coconut because it smells nice.

Although you may be too old for this, the fact that this all started with a throat infection makes me wonder about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PANDAS. I'm not in any way suggesting that you have this, but it may be interesting to bring up with a doctor.

>I have always been the most positive and motivated person EVER, BECAUSE i was always in control of everything

Take note - Now that OCD has reared its head, the only way you can learn to be positive and motivated again is to accept that you are not in control of everything, and that's okay. You cannot control these thoughts, they do not mean anything about you, and they will exist whether or not you want them to. The more meaning you give to them, the more you react, the more you try to get them to go away, the more frequent and intense they will get.

It's fucking awful, I know. It's not an easy thing to come to terms with. But I promise that the closer you come to accepting this, the quieter and less noticeable the thoughts will become.

It's great that you were proactive with learning about OCD, and it's great that you can write about it. Have you gone back to your psychologist for treatment? Perhaps a psychiatrist? I always recommend The Imp of the Mind to people with thought-based OCD - specifically to do with blasphemy or causing harm to others. It really helped to put my anxiety in perspective.

Learn as much as you can about OCD, and do you best to retain your roll as a loved one.


Bibliotherapy is helpful. So read up, as much for yourself as them.

Here's a great book that touches on some forms of OCD.

I've found this structure of communication during severe episode of OCD helpful:

LEAP: Listen, Empathize, Agree, Partner.

Reflective listening is key. Hear out your friend/family member completely, genuinely, and act like a reporter who is trying to learn all you can without judgement about what they live with. "It sounds like you don't want to live life like this, and you want things to change".

Empathize with the emotional difficulty of their disorder, and don't force your onions of treatment (i.e. you need to check into rehab, you need to be with a therapist, etc.). "It must be tough to feel unhealthy all the time, like you could be better".

Agree on things often to build trust. "I too want you to have a higher quality life."

Partner to work towards a solution. "I would love to help you get help, and we can find someone together. I'm just here for you to get through this"

This is a great book on the subject.

Not a doctor, just a husband with a loved one with a mental illness.

3-4 years ago when I first started dealing with my harm ocd, I told myself that being afraid of the thought meant I was a good person and so there's no way I could do these things. It was true, but not helpful. For me, it was a compulsion. Self reassurance and the relief if brought was only temporary. I didn't seem to really make progress until I began forcing myself to have these thoughts intentionally. If I had something pop up, I would force myself to keep it going, make it more gory or terrible in my head and I truly think that for me, it worked. I think it desensitized it and that took a lot of its power away. I can't say it would work for anyone else but I've been medication free for 3 years now and doing exponentially better. I couldn't go in the kitchen with my wife for close to a year and now I can stand next to her holding a knife and not think a thing about it.


I have a 6 week old daughter now that I was terrified to have because of pedocd and while I have the occasional thought that I'll do something terrible, I'm able to brush it off as the nonsense it is.

I really recommend this book Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572243813/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_dEdKDbS9FNP2B I think the message that I got from it's little lessons were really valuable.

I wouldn't say I'm completely cured, don't ever plan to be. I have some issues regarding health anxiety and the thoughts of harm pop up but as I said, I'm able to look at them as they pass by and not run. The thought isn't the problem, your response to it is. If you can lessen the fear of the thought, you'll find they come less frequently and for me, forcing myself to have them lessened the fear they caused.

I wish you the best of luck in your journey! If you haven't already, check out iocdf and the adaa. They have some great resources and I found both the therapists I've seen in the past on iocdf. Also, if you can't afford treatment by an ocd specialist (you want a specialist, the first guy I saw made. Me worse) that book was honestly very helpful for me. The exercises seem goofy at the time but there's one in particular regarding a pink dog that I still refer back to on a regular basis. It really stuck in my head and helped me understand the reason the thoughts kept coming back.

I'll start of by relating a bit about myself, not in an attempt at vanity, but because it'll explain what I"m trying to communicated. I have had OCD for quite a long time, though there was a lul inbetween two major outbreaks. The first wave of my OCD began shortly after my grandfather died. After a few years it largely decreased, but than it became extremely severe when, on last minutes notice, I had to move from California to Virginia where I began law school, whcih was very difficult, and had no money (and stress from not having money) and was unable to make any friends. My OCD quickly and severely manfiested. I had not been to a doctor yet, but when I went, the doctor told me that OCD, while remaining fairly insignificant for a large portion of your life, can begin to manifest excessively when certain large events occur in your life to trigger it.

The stress from the abrupt break up with your boyfriend (which I'm assuming was unexpected) is probably a trigger event for you. An important first step is understanding why this event triggered, and accepting why you need to let go of your pain (of course easier said than done).

One important thing is to not think of your OCD as something you will conquer. OCD is a chronic illness, and it cannot be defeated; however, it can be very well managed, to the point where it is as if its is nonexistent. Resist the temptation to tell yourself that your just being irrational and should stop, or that your ridiculous, because OCD is inherently irrational disorder and thus does not require rationality to operate. Instead, work on identifying improper behavior when it occurs, and disassociating that behavior from who you are and what you want to do. In other words, think of OCD as a pestering bully who keeps yelling taunts at you; don't try to fight it, as it will just encourage it and make it stronger. Instead, recognize that it is a bully, and ignore it. It will continue to taunt you at first, but it will not have your attention as fuel, and will die down. If you don't allow OCD to suck you in, it will be less able to suck you in in the future.

Here's one tip. When you face a manifestation of your OCD-i.e. when your obsessions start and/or you feel compelled to take a certain action, try to link it in your mind to this stress as an indicator that this is an external event. Disassociate from it, and take a step back. One technique that I have found helpful when faced with a bizarre thought is to, instead of saying "oh this is irrational and I"m being crazy," try to convince yourself of the opposite. For instance, when I think "if I don't start clicking my mouse repeatedly, my sister is going to die," I tell myself "no, actually, if I do start click my mouse repeatedly, than my sister is going to die, but if I do nothing, than she will be fine." I usually than contemplate how the potential outcomes are infinite, and there's thus no reason to believe the OCD thought anymore than I believe the exact opposite thought. I do realize that this seems sort of unalligned with my previous advice that OCD shouldn't be conquered; its a subtle distinction, I find. Of course I am no doctor. However, I find this helpful. Basically, I think it works by giving your mind a lot to think of, and thus serving to minimize the size of the OCD voice, by crowding it out. I should make one note of caution; while I find this technique very helpful, it can lead to great distress about the uncertainty of life (though I'd also note that my OCD manifestations often deal with existential questions, so existential fears are a bigger problem for me). However, the tactic can be effective. Based off what you have said, it seems like you may be in a situation where you don't necessarily contemplate directly "oh this is what I have to do and for this reason." If that's the case, try to vocalize it. Sometimes, just hearing it can help expose the ridiculousness of it (although, OCD is ultimately a disorder where peoples symptoms continue to occur despite the fact that they realize their fears are unbased).

Therapy is a very helpful thing, but I understand that it may not be an option. There are alternatives, however. While my therapy expereince has generally been bad, the one good therapist I had (I lost him due to an insurance change) recommended that I do exercises out of a book, and suggested that this would help me. Now, admittedly, I never followed through, so I can't say reliably how helpful it is; however, the therapist I had was a very smart, good man, and I trust his opinion (additionally, the book is well ranked by users on amazon, with 69 people giving it a five star ranking and 12 people giving it a 4 star ranking, while only 4 people gave it a 3 star ranking, 4 people a 2 star, and 3 people a 1 star). You can find the book here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1572245131/ref=oh_details_o02_s00_i00

Another helpful thing I have found is to educate yourself on what OCD is. Knowledge can be very soothing, and you'll realize that this is just a behavioral problem, not "craziness."

Finally, while its hard to open up to friends, and your certainly going to expose yourself to some lack of understanding, its very important to have a support system. One of the reasons that my OCD became so bad in Virginia was because I had no support system, and no way to release my feelings. The awkardness of telling your friends is far less painful than having years of OCD. It will not cure the OCD, but it will help. If you still feel like you can't, perhaps try reaching out on reddit more, like you're doing now. Reddit is a wonderful place where you can feel the sympathy and support of a friend while at the same time having the anyonmity that allows you to fully express you problems without having to fear looking bad in front of people. People here are here to help.

I apologize for the length of this post, and do hope it proves helpful.

I am new to this forum but thought you might find this short eBook helpful. It is probably aimed at kids a bit younger than yourself but I really think the strategies and advice could be useful to anybody of any age. It is occasionally free so look out for that.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07Y17NMBZ

Do NOT take any serotonin supplements while you are still on SSRIs, it could be fatal (serotonin syndrome). I have tried both zoloft and celexa, they pretty much only made me worse and nauseous and gain weight. So I came off them and have been trying to find a natural way. I've heard good things about the GABA+Inositol+Theanine combination, but so far what really seems to have helped is the Sam-E twice a day. There's a lot of good info out there, like this, or this book. Also look up histadelia. But again, be very careful if you are still on SSRIs.

Sure. It's nothing out of the ordinary for people coping with OCD.
I highly recommend you the following books, they are talking about things you're describing and giving great advises:

1. https://www.amazon.com/Coping-OCD-Practical-Strategies-Obsessive-Compulsive-ebook/dp/B003TU2KJC/ref=dp_kinw_strp_2
   2.https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Workbook-OCD-Overcoming-Compulsions-ebook/dp/B00H28YC98/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1503184088&sr=1-1&keywords=mindfulness+ocd
   

Hey there :) I would encourage you to order Mental Health Strong by Erin Ramachandran. She writes from a christian perspective of having married someone with OCD (symptoms emerged after the marriage). I have read the book cover to cover and highly recommend it to those trying to navigate OCD and marriage. They hold nothing back--his rituals that took up 90% of the day, their lack of intimacy, her frustration of having an absent partner, their fights.... i can definitely give you insight as to how she makes the marriage work.

https://www.amazon.com/Mental-Health-Strong-Christians-Resiliently/dp/1532075529

Buy a CBT or DBT workbook this is a good one. It will teach you how to rewire your thinking so that you can go from thinking "I can't do it" to "I can do it but it will make me uncomfortable" to "I will do it because I can cope with being uncomfortable"........i'm really really hoping the formatting turns out right for that link.
edit: success!

The Imp of the Mind

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0452283078

This book is awesome and really gets at the heart of the matter.

From what I've read, relationship OCD is pretty common. People with the condition feel that they can never be sure that they have chosen "the one". They doubt if they truly love their partner. How can you ever be sure that you really love someone? They also sometimes feel the need to confess to their partner their doubts which can cause turbulence in the relationship. It's frustrating that your parents won't pay for treatment. OCD ruins lives (it ruined my life). Sadly, in most cases it's also very treatable. In the last two months, I started reading books about the condition. Reading has been extremely helpful and in a short amount of time I've come to understand much more about my problems. I would highly recommend that you do this. Also, when you read a few books on the topic, you'll be able to show your parents experts' opinions on the condition. When they see that, they hopefully be more likely to give treatment a chance. Furthermore, to be honest, most treatment out there is complete crap. I saw a therapist for 6 years and made no progress. I only realized in the last year or so that the reason for this is that he had no formal training in OCD and therefore was not equipped to treat it. Going to regular "talk therapy" for OCD is generally considered to be a waste of time. Exposure with response prevention therapy is the only method that works. Anyone how says they treat OCD but doesn not do ERP is just a fraud.

This is the best book I read on the disorder:
https://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-Personalized/dp/042527389X


These three were very good as well:
https://www.amazon.com/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive-ebook/dp/B002I1XS5I

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Over-OCD-First-Self-Help/dp/1593859996

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-OCD-Practical-Strategies-Obsessive-Compulsive-ebook/dp/B003TU2KJC

With today's technology, I'm certain that it exists. I've taken my time to collect the following links below for you lad.

​

https://www.amazon.com/Flush-Down-Automatic-Elongated-available/dp/B00WL1ZOUW

This might be something for you, unsure.

​

Best of luck!

Just saw this 5 min ago on Amazon. Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD. The reviews for it are mostly good

Like others have said, ERP is the best way to combat contamination fears. With that being said, here is my regimen to keep my hands in good condition during the winter. I put this on before I go to bed.

1 - Rub this specific [Aveeno] (https://www.amazon.com/Aveeno-Cracked-Relief-Triple-Complex/dp/B07DTF3TKG) lotion on 1st.

2 - Put on a layer of Aquaphor next.

3 - Wear eczema gloves on your hands. You can find them here.

I have OCD, was diagnosed at 22, I’m 24. I’ve had it all my life but didn’t have the vocabulary to articulate what was happening. You need not blame yourself for being stressed with the condition even though you’ve come from a relatively privileged background. Human unhappiness is just that, if you haven’t already I would pursue some books written by professionals of OCD to read about how you are NOT your thoughts. Here’s one called “Imp of the Mind” my therapist recommended.

https://www.amazon.com/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive/dp/0452283078/ref=nodl_

And another I recommend because of her groundbreaking outspokenness regarding the subject.

https://www.amazon.com/Pure-Rose-Bretecher/dp/1783521120/ref=nodl_

You can try The Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer.

A book I found interesting was "The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Obsessive Bad Thoughts."

Have you read any books on the disorder?

I have found Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts as one book that has helped me in particular with pure o.

Hey there,

While it is impossible for any of us to tell you whether what you are dealing with is OCD or something else entirely, I just wanted to pop in to remind you how devious and adaptive OCD can be.

Sometimes the disorder can get all meta and make us fear we don't have OCD at all, that it's something else.
And though these thoughts can be terrifying, particularly when you have intrusive thoughts that are so viscerally disturbing, it's important to remember that the nature of this disorder is to target and exploit your greatest fears. It knows how to hit you where it hurts, and it would really hurt if you were to find out that you never had OCD in the first place. So there's that to consider.

Also, I have experienced something similar to the "magnet" sensation, which I chalked up to attention. What I mean is that, if you focus hard enough on a particular part of your body for long enough or intensely enough, you will feel a "tingle" or even an energy in said body part. From what I have read, this is primarily referenced in discussions about body checking behaviors in sexual obsessions (for example, someone with sexual obsessions is changing a child's diaper and gets an intrusive thought that maybe they are turned on, so they think about or "check" their genitals to see if they are turned on, thereby CAUSING genital sensation and increasing their own fear and panic). I am wondering if it is possible that something similar may be going on here for you: Do you think you may be inadvertently engaging in "body checking" that is feeding your intrusive thoughts/obsessions and helping to generate these sensations?

Lastly, I just want to recommend that you check out this book about violent intrusive thoughts. It features stories about real people's obsessions and how they worked alongside a therapist to get through them. I found it so, so helpful and comforting to read after I got diagnosed. (Sorry, not sure how to embed the link on mobile):

https://www.amazon.com/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive/dp/0452283078/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1542726456&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=the+imp+of+the+mind&dpPl=1&dpID=412QHijNG1L&ref=plSrch

Stay strong, and keep asking for help! Sending you lots of love.

Please, take a look on this book

https://www.amazon.com/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive/dp/0452283078

Do not worry about people saying that you are horrible, sick. That is a common fear, almost the majority of the population have fears like that (my friend said me that always has the fear to throw hot coffee in someone when he is drinking), that is an evolutive feature. But a small part of the people, namely people with OCD, become obsessed with those feelings and fears. Read that book, and you will see how to treat this (spoiler: not running away of the moments that you have those fears)

I've developed this problem over the last year. "For A long time I've felt like I was secretly a psychopath and one mistake or loss of control away from killing someone." That is exactly how I felt and still feel sometimes.

So yea, you're not alone. It's 'scum bag brain' in its highest form! The literature stresses that it can beaten and that automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) are often derived from stress; which I've had plenty of over the last two years.

I read this book and found it constructive: http://www.amazon.com/The-Imp-Mind-Exploring-Obsessive/dp/0452283078

I understand. Sounds like me, and I'm diagnosed. Reading helped me (ex: https://www.amazon.com/Imp-Mind-Exploring-Epidemic-Obsessive/dp/0452283078). Finding a therapist with real OCD experience helped. Thinking these thoughts are disgusting and evil and fucked up is part of why they continue to infest your head. Thoughts are thoughts. Everyone has fucked up thoughts. It's our messed up brain chemistry and our psychological reaction to them that keeps us obsessed.