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Well, first of all, being yelled at doesn't sound very conducive to sleep, but you probably know that already :)

It would be helpful to know what your daughter is doing instead of going to sleep in her bed - is she trying to sleep in your bed? is she up and running around, trying to keep playing? is she trying to stick close to you? Does she seem anxious, is she crying, is she laughing? Is she staying in bed but unable to actually relax and fall asleep? Those are all different problems that will have different solutions...

I'll repost some general suggestions I made in another recent thread, hopefully something in here is helpful:

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• Make sure you're not telling her to go to sleep - that's not physically within her control, and trying too hard to fall asleep can of course make it harder. The expectation should just be lying quietly in bed doing something relaxing.
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• Keep a consistent bedtime routine that includes tucking her in and spending some time with her before you go off to do your own thing. You might talk about what happened that day, name things you're grateful for or looking forward to, or discuss what you want to dream about that night (see next point).
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• Explain to her that thinking about something at bedtime tells your brain that's what you want to dream about, so if she wants to have happy dreams, it's time to start imagining happy things! Ask what she wants to do in her dreams and help her imagine the details. You might invent a special place for her to visit in her dreams, like a treehouse or a fairy castle or whatever she comes up with. Have her close her eyes and imagine it with you, making sure to incorporate all the senses (what can she hear there, what does she smell, etc). You can even agree to "meet up" with her in your dreams and play together!
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• Give her something relaxing to do in bed before she falls asleep instead of just lying there. Looking through a book, listening to calming music, listening to an audiobook, or imagining what she wants to dream about are all good options. Try teaching her some relaxation techniques like deep breathing or progressive muscle relaxation; this site has some cool kid-friendly ideas. You could even look into a kids yoga class to help teach her some techniques, or check out a book like Goodnight Yoga. There are also some really cool books with guided relaxation stories you could read to her at bedtime, such as Starbright, Imaginations and Aladdin's Magic Carpet. Also some audio recordings of guided relaxation for kids such as Still Quiet Place, Indigo Dreams, and Bedtime Meditations for Kids.
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• Ask her what SHE thinks would help her stay in bed and feel more comfortable going to sleep - maybe leaving a hall light on, or adding some glow-in-the-dark stars to the ceiling, or having you come by to check on her every 10 minutes until she's asleep? Of course you don't have to agree to everything she asks for, but you want her to feel like she's part of the problem-solving team with you.
  
  Best of luck!

6 is a pretty common age for having questions about these things! Don't worry.

My stepson started asking me questions when he was late 6 and early 7. He went with a more direct route - he just asked how babies get in the mommy's tummy - and I was very casual and upfront about it. My parents were very open with me and they basically answered any question we had, from "how does the sperm get to the egg" when we were little to "what's a blowjob" and "what's an orgasm" when we were in middle school. So I just did the same - I answered his questions without being silly or embarrassed and let the conversation grow from there. (Some of this I am c/p-ing from a previous thread because it's long, sorry!)

I never had "the talk" as a kid and have not gone that way as a parent. My basic philosophy - which was also my parents' - is that if you ask a question, you get an answer. That answer is accurate and true, but not necessarily completely comprehensive. When my stepson asked, "What makes a baby?" I talked about sperm, and eggs, and how the daddy has the sperm and the mommy has the egg, and when the two meet, it is the beginning of a baby. He then asked how the two meet, so I talked about penises and vaginas, said the man and woman get so close to each other that the penis goes into the vagina, and the sperm come from the penis and travels to the egg, etc. After that he surprised me by going a completely different route and asking about the word "sexy" and if what people mean when they say "sexy" is that they want to have a baby, and I said it can be really confusing, because lots of times people don't use the right word for what they really mean. Like, in songs, people sometimes say "sexy" when they mean "pretty" or "smart," or if someone says a car looks really sexy, they obviously don't want to have a baby with a car - they mean it looks really cool. We thought of some times that people have used the word sexy and brainstormed words we thought they might have been able to use instead, to be more clear. etc.

Some weeks later he heard someone talking about an accidental pregnancy in a TV plot and he asked how you could accidentally get pregnant. I said that people don't only have sex to make a baby - sex also feels good and that it is something that grown-ups do when they love each other very much, sort of like a very intense and intimate way of hugging someone. And so sometimes people have sex even if they don't mean to have a baby, but sex can always lead to a baby, and that's why it's important to not have sex until you are really a grown-up and you have met someone you love very much.

That sort of thing. I find that answering the question but not necessarily going in with complete and total disclosure from the get-go opens the door for a more conversational tone - an ask-and-answer format rather than a one-directional monologue - and also lets the kid decide how far the talk goes. Basically I leave room for silence and reflection in the conversation, instead of just filing the awkward space with more words. I think that few kids who ask where babies come from are necessarily interested in hearing about orgasms, accidents, birth control, STIs, whatever. Like, after I explained sex, I honestly never would have even thought to talk about the word "sexy" and its various uses in pop culture, but OF COURSE that was something my stepson already had a budding familiarity with, and so of course he was fitting this new information - what sex actually means - into that context. If I had just done a Wikipedia monologue he might never have gotten a chance in the rhythm of the conversation to ask about the word "sexy," and we never would have had that super awesome talk. For that reason I can't imagine just having "a talk" - I think that kids start being ready to hear some of this stuff so young, and then are ready to hear other parts so much later, that I can't imagine talking about it all at once - it would be way to early or way too late either way, and just miss the point entirely one way or the other. Usually in my experience if they are ready for more information, they will innately hear that my explanation only answers their question by making them think of more questions, and they will prompt me to keep going by asking the next question. If they do not "hear" the next question in themselves - the next how or why - then I usually figure that they are just not at that point yet. Sometimes I prompt it a little bit if I sense that they may be shy but if they don't bite I usually let it be.

This all, of course, relies heavily on the fact that your kid will ask you and not just google. To initiate the conversation yourself and prompt questions, books can be great. I am a huge fan of It's Not The Stork, which explains everything accurately - from bodies, to girls/boys, to puberty, to boys/men and girls/women, to sex, to fertilization, to gestation, to birth. There is also a section on adoption and non-traditional families, and a section on good/bad touches. It is not silly but it is also not clinical or embarrassing; it is illustrated but not dumb or condescending. It's actually the first of a three-part collection - the next two books are aimed at older children and have more detailed information - but this one is written for kids as young as 4 and IMO is totally appropriate for kids that young so it's a good one to start with.

We also have A Child Is Born, which has some truly amazing pictures of embryos and unborn babies at various stages of gestation. My step-son's interest in sex came heavily from a baby-interested place - sex, bodies, etc were just the explanation, for him - so this book is a total favorite; if your son is coming more from a body-curiosity place it may not be as relevant to him, but I know that the book gets a lot of flipping-through in our home so it's worth considering. It also has some pictures of the women that the babies are growing in, which can help contextualize the "boobies" that your son may be curious about.

When it comes to "tough questions," whatever they are, I try to always control my reaction and make it a casual conversation. No stammering, pet names, giggling, etc. We joke sometimes but only if it's a joke we would normally make - I mean, like, no laughing as you're explaining it, but also don't just turn into a robot. It's surprisingly easy and liberating to talk to a kid frankly about sex and bodies, I think, because a lot of times once they sense that you are not embarrassed to answer, they are not embarrassed to ask, and that can be a really sweet thing to see.

Not all of these are "parenting" books, but they get at various aspects of what you might be looking for/need to help you prepare (in no particular order):

• Bringing up Bebe - Tells the parenting story of an American expat. living in Paris, and how she observed different parenting techniques between American and French families, and how that plays out in children's behavior. It is a fun "experience" story and I think it lends some interesting insights.
  
  
• Pregnancy, childbirth, and the newborn - I think this is the most informative, neutral, pregnancy book out there. It really tries to present all sides of any issues. I can't recommend this book enough. From here, you could explore the options that best fit your needs (e.g. natural birth, etc.)
  
  
• Taking Charge of Your Fertility - Look into this if you find you are having trouble conceiving, or if you want to conceive right away. Really great tips on monitoring the body to pinpoint the most fertile times and stay healthy before becoming pregnant.
  
  
• The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding - This is published by Le Leche League and really has everything you need to know about breastfeeding, pumping, etc. After baby is born, kellymom.com is a good resource for quickly referring to for breastfeeding questions later, but seriously don't skip this book - it is great!
  
  
• Dr. Spock's Baby and Childcare - Really comprehensive and probably the most widely read book about every aspect of child health and development (and also a lot of what to expect as parents.)
  
  
• NurtureShock - by far the most interesting book I've ever read in my life. Basically sums up research on child development to illuminate how many parents and educators ignore research based evidence on what works well for raising children. If you read nothing else in this book, at least read the sleep chapter!
  
  
• What's Going on in There? - This book was written by a neuroscientist after becoming a mom about brain development from pregnancy through about age 5. It has some of the same research as NurtureShock but goes way more in depth. I found it fascinating, but warning, I could see how it could scare some people with how much detail it goes into (like how many people feel that "What to Expect When Expecting" is scary.)
  
  
• Happiest Baby on the Block - There is a book, but really you can/should just watch the DVD. It has 5 very specific techniques for calming a fussy baby. Here are some recent reddit comments about it. Someday I will buy Dr. Karp a drink - love that man!
  
  
• The Wholesome Baby Food Guide - this book is based on a website which has some of the same information, but the book goes way more in depth about how to introduce food, with particular steps, to set baby up for a lifetime of good (non picky) eating habits.
  
  
• A variety of sleep books, so you can decide which method you might be comfortable with (I believe the Baby Whisperer and Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child are pretty middle of the road, but you can look into bedsharing (The Dr. Sear's books) or the other end (Babywise) as discussed in other comments already here, etc. - these last two links I am letting my personal bias show - sorry, but I just think it is good to know all sides of an issue.)
  
  
• Huffington Post Parents section often has "experience" articles, and browsing subs like this can help with that too.
  
  
• A lot of people love the Bill Cosby Fatherhood book too, but my husband and I haven't read it, so I can't say for sure what is in it, but I imagine it is "experiences" based
  
  
• The Wonder Weeks - describes when and how babies reach developmental milestones, what to expect from those, and how to help your baby with them.
  
  Edit: I wanted to add brief descriptions and links (I was on my phone yesterday when I posted this.) I also added in the last book listed.
  
  I have literally read hundreds of parenting/child dev. books. I consider these to be the best of the best in terms of books that cover each of their respective topics in depth, from almost all perspectives, in as neutral of a way as possible, so that you can then make decisions about which more extreme (I don't mean that in a bad way) parenting styles might work for you and your family (e.g. attachment parenting, natural vs. medicated birth, etc.)
  

I'm going to sound like a broken record on this site when it comes to sleeping, but everyone whose ever told me about the sleeping problems of their child gets a copy of "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."

Here: http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023

The problem you have sounds like one our friends were having when the child was seven. The book explains sleep, the importance of sleep, and the evolution of healthy sleep habits that has helped literally everyone I know who has read the book and followed through. Your situation was solved by my friend in seven days after five years of frustration. I personally think her victory came because she was given a very educated explanation of why it would work and she stuck with it. Process was a lot of it, but the real lesson is, stick to what you find working until it works. Don't give up. It may take two weeks, but then you are done forever.

For your particular sleep routine, I believe the book would recommend sitting in a chair right beside the child's bed until they fall asleep. No talking to them, just gentle putting them back in bed when they try to 'escape'; no real interaction other than a gentle 're-tucking-in' to mimic your initial tuck and establish the continuity for later when your child finally gets it.

My friend's child was seven and she sat by the bed 2.5 hours the first night reading (today we would have an ipad and reddit vs. a book, times change). Something quiet and out of sight (and interest) to the child. The next night, she did the same thing for about an hour and a half; less the third and fourth night but I remember her showing amazing resolve for four nights. On the fifth, sixth, and seventh nights respectively, she was staying in the room less and moving the chair closer to the door. Night Eight, she was outside the room with the door cracked for about twenty silent uneventful minutes and the child dozed off. Night nine, she got a good nights sleep and my wife and I got two comp'd airline tickets anywhere in the continental US. Woot!

I have recommended/given this book to perhaps thirty couples. Some get offended at the thought of getting a book to rear a child, but I really champion sleep habits as I've seen the impacts on the families who try the book; the relationships between parent and child and the interpersonal relationships between spouses. We've seen 'tough' children take a toll on everyone involved including grandparents who won't watch the kids and friends who avoid another's house around bedtime, dinner time, eating out, etc. The beauty of the book is the "quick tips" sections at the end of each chapter so you can start in minutes and 'catch up'. We were behind with my first child and literally by the book with our second. We spent a grand total of six nights on developing the sleep habits of two children that are still strong today at ages 8 and 9.

One thing that I hear a lot, and not trying to instigate in anyway, but it is an underlying theme of the book that I observe to be true in all families: "we've tried everything". Children are taught AND parents are taught. The child wants attention at bedtime and that is what you have to be disciplined enough to remove. No interaction. The friend I described above had the oldest child I've known these lessons to work on. He was seven, and I think she had the toughest challenge I've seen and showed the best discipline in 'ignoring' the child. When her child resisted initially, she would firmly and gently hold him in place until he stopped. The woman was a saint.

The "total meltdown" you describe is the payoff for the child. They don't infer victory, but there is an innate need that is fulfilled by that attention and if it never comes, it does subside. Remember that you've been taught how you are going to act at bedtime by your child for two and a half years and it may take a bit of reprogramming for both of you, but each time you stray from the continuity of the lesson, you are actually succeeding in teaching a different lesson. I really hope this helps. You need some rest!! (this will work for /u/underthewisteria as well, I believe) Good luck all!

First, it's amazing you stepped up to rescue R.

I think most of the things you've mentioned are going to need time and patience more than anything else (and therapy, which I hope you have covered). It took years of hurt to get him to this place and it will take years of love and effort to get him back out. So don't rush things.

>[Food anxiety / high calorie diet / asking for snacks]

I don't have a lot of experience here (paging u/groundhogcakeday because IIRC one of her sons had needed a high-calorie diet) but I would suggest making sure the snacks are visibly available 24/7, and always stocked in quantity. He might be less hesitant to grab a snack when it's plain and clear there are a lot available.

I wouldn't pressure him about eating at all - I mean, discuss it with his doctor first, but my guess is it won't kill him to take a few months to get comfortable with his new situation. Having a long-term healthy relationship with food would seem more important than cramming calories into him. Sometimes doctors are very focused on their specific task and forget to look at the larger picture, so make sure they're aware of his food-related anxiety.

A lot of kids enjoy eating more when they're part of the whole process (selecting meals, shopping, and cooking). That might work for you, or it might be another thing R will feel anxiety/pressure over.

> Should I look into private schools?

This is so specific to your local schools... A public school might be great or it might be terrible, and ditto with a private one. You'll need to investigate your options personally to find out what kind of accommodations they're willing and able to make. With a public school, you can get an IEP and by law they are required to follow it - but of course, you still want to find somewhere that will do that right the first time.

He might do well to start a grade below where he should be (as he's both educationally behind and physically small), especially if that means he'll have an opportunity to get up to speed in an elementary school rather than a middle school (I don't know where the grade cutoff is in your area).

>he seems to have a small bit of separation anxiety. Is this normal?

Absolutely. He just lost his entire family. Perhaps you could start with a program in which you could also volunteer/participate? Once he's comfortable with his situation you can dial back the participation if necessary. (I'm a big fan of Lego Robotics and - at least around here - they're always happy to have more adult volunteers, too.)

>Punishment ... I only think he would misbehave if he was feeling really emotional

I'm not a fan of the P word, myself. There are better ways to correct behavior. Even those who study behaviorism (upon which reward/punishment-style discipline is based) will tell you the research shows the positive reinforcement end of the spectrum is a lot more healthy and effective. But I prefer to take a step further back and try to correct behavior by solving the problems that cause it to occur - that is problem-solving based discipline. This is doable with any kid, but it's especially been shown to be effective in children who have issues handling more traditional reward/punishment methods.

R has already been hurt enough. If he's having a problem, making him miserable in an effort to coerce him into solving it on his own (ie. punishment) is not the way to go. I suggest you take a look at The Explosive Child - the discipline model it describes is non-punitive and based on listening, understanding, and problem-solving. It is also empirically proven effective for kids with difficulties and disorders. Don't worry, the title is a bit of a misnomer; the process is good for any kid, explosive, implosive, or regular-plosive.

>Related to that, I praise R a lot because he never got it when he was younger, but it's very hard for him to take a compliment and he still seems to think of himself as a bad kid.

Be careful with praise. Praise is judgment (positive judgement, but judgement nonetheless). R's current view of himself is based on someone else's (very negative) judgements; hanging his self-esteem on someone else's opinions instead isn't a great long-term solution even if he wasn't uncomfortable with it. You need to help him see himself in a positive light.

To that end, I suggest you look at the difference between praise and encouragement (another summary here. It's a subtle distinction, but IMO an important one.

That's about all I feel qualified answering. Best of luck!

A Good Easy Read To Start With There's a teen version too.

You're still a long way off from teen years. Don't worry. 7 years old is normal to develop a crush but at that age a crush just means someone you think is a cute and funny. When she's along the lines of 10-12 is when most girls start having "boyfriends" but even then it'll be something that lasts a week at most. Don't bog her down with a lot of love advice right now. The best thing you can do is just listen. If she has a question, answer it, but don't give unsolicited advice because you will probably be wasting your breath. If you feel like you NEED to give advice one thing you can say is, "Would you like to know what I would do if I were in this situation?" and she'll probably say yes and want to hear it.

Definitely give her some books about her body's changes and how to say no and all that. Amazon has a lot of good ones. There was one by American Girl called The Care and Keeping of You which gives age appropriate advice on puberty and hygiene. Girl's Life magazine is GREAT for young girls. It gives age appropriate advice, has a lot of learning content, and a lot of articles about puberty. Having "the talk" just once is not enough. It's a series of conversations. And having books and magazines to refer to over time is so helpful. You don't want her googling to find out those things or asking her friends.

Don't spy on her, ever. The one time she catches you doing it, she will pretty much never trust you again. Also, unless she very seriously does something to break your trust, do not do things which would invade her privacy without her consent. Stuff like going through her phone or taking her bedroom door away. That's stuff you should only do if you think she might be a danger to herself and others and you have to do a serious intervention. Girls take their private space very seriously. If you raise her right and make her feel safe, she will come to you before you ever have to go to her. I promise.

Just as a point of reference, my 3 year old cries like that quite a bit. Usually over quite trivial matters. This morning, she cried for 15 minutes straight because her daddy plugged in her ipod to the charger instead of letting her do it.

So some of it is just developmental and/or personality at that point. Stay patient and just keep letting him know that you are there for him. At some point, you'll notice a bit of a break in the crying and that's when you ask if he wants you to hold him. If you have a rocker of big comfy chair, that would be nice to snuggle up in. Maybe offer him some water or juice and to read a book or something.

I know this sounds shitty to say but don't frantically offer him up all kinds of stuff to do or big treats just to make him feel better. He'll figure out that this is how he can get stuff. Just be there to comfort and let him get it all out. If you validate his feelings and mirror them back to him, it'll help him be able to talk about them in the future. It also decreases the crying. You literally just say exactly what he's saying back to him. "you want your daddy. yes, you want your daddy." It really helps them to feel like they've been heard rather than, "It's ok" because in his mind, it's really not ok and to be told that is rather confusing.

Some good books to read are this series:
Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy (this title always cracks me up)

and

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (this one has some really old school illustrations but it's great for talking to kids and adults of all ages)

Good luck, you are doing a wonderful thing taking him in. I'm sure transitions will get easier from here on out.

1. I drew penises and vaginas on ALL of my pictures at the same age. I don't know if what she's drawing is actually a penis... She may actually be attempting to draw a vagina (or a "butt"). Just because it looks like it's sticking down from the body doesn't mean anything - children are awful at drawing perspective. They tend to draw symbolically.
   
   
2. Looking at the picture you shared: http://imgur.com/TntSokl I do not see anything to be concerned about. What I see is an intelligent child who is interested in ALL the parts of the body - nipples, belly buttons, and hey - she's got the correct number of fingers on almost every hand! How awesome is that?
   
   
3. Your childminder needs to chill. If she makes a big deal about it, your daughter will become MORE curious, and you're going to have her drawing "penises" on everything in sight. Nothing engages kids more than a strong reaction.
   
   
4. It's high time you actually taught your daughter something about the human body - male and female. She's interested in anatomy, and she's young enough that conversations about this haven't become terribly awkward yet. Seize the moment and teach her! Ignorance won't protect her, and good solid information will help satisfy her curiosity and make it a lot less likely she'll innocently do something awkward and embarrassing (like ask a little boy to drop his pants, so she can see the differences).
   
   Your local library is full of wonderful books you can share with your daughter. One of the best is:
   
   It's Not the Stork: A Book About Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends
   
   As for your other concerns:
   
   It's normal for a child her age to want to sleep with their parent. Allow it, or don't allow it, as you choose. It's not symptomatic of anything, other than the fact that human beings need to be trained to feel comfortable sleeping alone. You're not hurting her, no matter where you decide to have her sleep.
   
   And her mirror writing is also very, very common in ambidextrous and left-handed children. Just keep (gently) encouraging her to use her right hand, and eventually she'll stop. It's a cool party trick, nothing more. My son is a lefty, and used to do the same thing.
   
   

Check out the Love and Logic series by Foster Cline and Jim Fay, professionals who worked with foster kids with severe behavioral issues so it focuses on non punitive discipline but is awesome. On their website they have a whole list of resources for children and 7 to 12 years age group as well as a link to their main book Parenting with Love and Logic.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-11-ages-7-12.aspx

Another fabulous one is How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1451663889?pc_redir=1406625612&robot_redir=1

Good luck, she's fortunate to have a loving father figure who cares so much!

You might find the book "The Explosive Child" helpful in understanding your child's behavior. My son sounds very similar to your daughter (and honestly, much, much less of an explosive child than what the book is truly intended for). However, the premise of the book is that kids who explode like this are lacking in the skills of flexibility and adaptability and that helping them learn these skills is far preferable to punishing bad behavior that stems from a lacking skill.

My pediatrician also recommended the book, "The Whole-Brain Child", which helps explain some of the way children's brains functions. This book is especially useful because it explains why, during huge meltdowns, your child is really incapable of rational thought. You have to wait until the child is calm again before trying to address any of the challenges you're facing.

With that being said, I have noticed in particular that my son has a lot more frequent meltdowns when he is 1) tired or 2) hungry. Asking "are you hungry?" and offering him a snack sometimes snaps him right out of it.

Interacting with him/discussing his feelings/giving hugs during the meltdown seem to make it worse (contrary to my initial impulse which is to walk him through his feelings). This is really only possible AFTER the storm has been weathered. Isolating him, which is pretty much my least natural response, is what seems to work for him the best. We simply tell him he needs to stay in his room until he is calm and ready to talk about what's going on. He calms down MUCH faster by himself and half the time, he ends up falling asleep (and wakes up in a perfectly happy mood).

There is light at the end of this tunnel. Kids learn by modeling. When you yell, that teaches her that yelling is okay. If you can remain calm, it will help her learn to regulate her emotions through watching how you deal with stress. It can be difficult to emotionally detach yourself from the tantrum, but if you can ignore it consistently, that is the best way to stop it in the future.

After the tantrum is over, and after she's calm, you can try to address the issue itself. Ask what she was feeling, then accept those feelings and don't try to downplay them. They are overwhelming for her in some way, so they are important. See if you can discuss what she could do next time she's feeling that way.

We have a calming place for our 3 year old, introduced about a 1.5 years ago. When she's feeling overwhelmed by emotions and is having trouble controlling herself, she can go there to calm down. She grabs a stuffed animal to hug, and we come with her and just hold her hand or reassure her that we're there for her (we say "I got you" which helps her a lot). We do breathing exercises. After six months of introducing the calming place, she barely ever needed it again. I think she uses it about once every other month nowadays.

One thing that helped was the book Little Monkey Calms Down by Michael Dahl. We have the entire series, and they are really engaging for our daughter. This one, in particular, is about how Little Monkey deals with a stressful situation, his emotions, and how to come out of it. That's actually where we got the taking deep breaths thing. When we read it, we try and act out some of the calming mechanisms so that when she is stressed for real she can try and cope, and we talk about how Little Monkey is feeling, why, and what he should do about it.

I know it is really difficult to do this sometimes, but really try to remember that when your child is having a tantrum, she is having difficulties. She is feeling overwhelmed. She feels like she needs something, and she can't control herself or her environment. At 4 she probably isn't trying to be manipulative or hurtful toward you. She really just doesn't know how to handle whatever situation she's in. Soft words, comforting, and understanding is the best way to get through it. Ignoring tantrums is probably how most people do it, but we usually give our daughter hugs and try to help her work her way through her feelings. It works for us. Both ways are fine. The key is to address the cause of the tantrum only after it is over and to never lose your own composure. If you can do those two things, then they are going to 100% stop.

get in good shape, take care of yourself.
Get rest
I wouldn't really be angling for a promotion right now

When the baby is born, and this may be a couple of months in. If possible, through bottle feeding or pump - and - serve, try to find a way to go 2 nights on 2 nights off when it comes to waking with the baby in the middle of the night.

This isn't possible for everyone, but my wife and I did it with both of our kids, and I think we were better for it.

Read Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023 or at least the summaries.

Happiest baby on the block by Harvy Karp was helpful as well. "Treat first 3 months as 4th tri-mester" is the general idea.

Okay...Jake needs leadership. Got it?

Hasn't had much of it for some reason. Certainly doesn't have it now.

A very common mistake that parents make with kids is that they just expect kids to be miracles. To be perfect. To do all the right things...etc.

Here's the bottom line - kids have to be taught EVERYTHING. Got it?

They pop out with nothing and rely solely on their parents to learn just about everything.

So...when a kid seems fucked up, the only person to point the fingers to are the parents. It's not the kid, it's not the kid, it's not the kid. It's the parents.

If you are going to be involved in this kid's life, you are going to have to find the means and practices to teach and support him. Only then is he going to change.

It's not easy, by the way, and I can tell you that forcing him to do something seldom works. You can push a kid to be better, but only under the right terms.

And lastly, if you don't have trust and respect in a relationship, you don't have a relationship. If you don't have a relationship, you have nothing. You can't take control or help a kid or adult until they trust you, and until they respect you.

Be a leader. Be a VERY good leader. This applies to kids and all those around you.

I would start with this book

Good luck.

Ideas:

1. Have kiddo watch Signing Time on Netflix. It is an amazing show that will help with his language development. No guilt.
   
   
2. Get the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp/0449004023 Our 2 year old sleeps from 5pm to 7am every day, and our 6 month old just started doing the same thing with only one wake up overnight. There are, of course, several naps throughout the day. Yes, my son and daughter sleep around 14 hours each night and with naps they sleep a total of around 17 (2 yo) to 18-20 (6mo) hours PER DAY. More kid sleeping time means more relax time for mommy and you.
   
   
3. Give her every Friday night off. Tell her to get out of the house. Find a friend of hers, make plans if you have to, send her to dinner or a movie or SOMETHING.
   
   
4. Do you have a spare room? Arrange to let a nanny live rent free (room and board) in exchange for assistance 20-30 hours a week.
   
   
5. Pick a whole WEEK where each person is on overnight duty. One week you are on duty. You feed little one every time. Next week she is on duty. I read a study that showed doing this week by week made a HUGE difference in the amount of sleep each partner got and their ability to function. Do not take "no" for an answer here. She needs to be able to sleep. Have her pump her breastmilk into bottles and so you can help feed the little one overnight that way.
   
   
6. Do you have a spare room? Put the baby in there immediately. My wife was unable to sleep with our baby in our bedroom because when she made the tiniest noise it would wake my wife up. Putting the baby in the other room allowed both of them to sleep MUCH better.
   
   
7. Is she depressed? Post Partum Depression is real. My wife got put on some meds and it made a world of difference. (For the record, I am anti-meds unless it's really necessary ... and these were amazing.) Have her talk to a doctor, it can improve her quality of life DRAMATICALLY.
   
   Divorce doesn't seem like a wise option. Are you going to take care of the kids? Don't be silly!