(Part 2) Best products from r/Parenting

This sounds like a good question for her therapist, but I'll weigh in with some ideas I posted in another thread recently:

> If she's experiencing separation anxiety (i.e. repeatedly coming out of her room), talk about what might help her feel more comfortable staying in her bed. You could think about getting a special nightlight that she helps pick out, a dreamcatcher, glow-in-the-dark stars for her ceiling, etc. You might invent a special "secret handshake" for bedtime, a "magic spell" of your protection around her bed, give her favorite stuffed animal "magic powers", etc - get creative! :) Teach her how to take deep belly breaths or tighten muscle groups one at a time (toes, then legs, then stomach, etc up to her face) to help her relax. This site has some great ideas for kids relaxation exercises, and there are several books such as Starbright and Imaginations which have relaxation stories you can read aloud (and this book features familiar fairytales retold as relaxation stories). There are also recordings of such stories you can download for her to listen to as she falls asleep, like Still Quiet Place, Indigo Dreams, and Bedtime Meditations for Kids. Listening to calming music can be good too.
>
>The nice thing about introducing self-soothing tools like these is that instead of "lay quietly in your bed" you can tell her to "lay quietly and listen to the music" or "lay quietly and watch the glow-in-the-dark stars on your ceiling" -- something positive for her to focus on instead of worries. You can also talk about what fun things she'd like to do in her dreams, and help her imagine those happy thoughts; even agree to "meet up" and play together in your dreams so she won't feel like she's going to be alone all night. Again, this gives her something to focus on instead of thinking about trying to fall asleep.
>
>I should also add that if she's gotten used to having a parent with her to fall asleep, you may have to wean her from that support gradually. Maybe sit by her bed reading until she falls asleep; the next night, move your chair a bit further away. You can give her brief verbal reassurance that you're there, but remind her that it's time to lay quietly and listen to her music/watch her stars/think about playing in a treehouse in her dreams/whatever. Over time, you can move your chair further and further away until you're in the hallway, and then if necessary, offer to come check on her periodically until she falls asleep. Transitional objects can be helpful during this process as well; you might also check out a book like The Kissing Hand or The Invisible String for more ideas to help her feel your presence even when you're not physically in her room.

All of this applies equally to going back to sleep in the middle of the night (just takes more patience, I know!). Definitely better to take a gradual approach than letting her cry it out though, especially given her past. You might also try to figure out if there's anything she is anxious about specifically; depending on her history, she may be afraid of actual harm coming to her at night. If so, find ways to reassure her that she's safe (have her help lock the doors, if you have a pet tell her they will be guarding her, etc) and know that over time, as she feels more secure in your home, those fears will lessen. The more coping tools you can give her in the meantime, the better.

One of my wife's friends wrote this one...not a bad book, I suppose. Lots of good information about pregnancy, things that are good to know from the dad's perspective.

The one your wife is going to read, and you should also read, is the classic What to Expect book. That's sort of the "pregnancy bible", lots of really good information in there, most women read it.

Another one that I really got a lot out of is If Your Kid Eats This Book, Everything Will Be OK. That's written by an ER doctor who talks about how to tell the normal illnesses and maladies that aren't worrisome from the ones that you actually do need to be concerned about. It's saved my wife and I from a handful of ER/Doctor's Office visits.

The final one is the one I recommend over anything else. If you buy no other books/dvds, buy this one. It might save your life, sanity, and/or marriage:

The Happiest Baby On The Block

I'd recommend both the book and the DVD, but if you only get one, get the DVD. Hell, many libraries carry it.

Any and every parent I know who has watched it basically thanks Harvey Karp for making the first 3 months entirely bearable. It teaches you how to soothe a screaming infant, quickly and calmly...it makes for a happier child, and happier parents. Buy it, or rent it, or whatever...just make damned sure you see it before d-day.

Outside of that, a quality swing that plugs in (not one that runs on batteries...you will spend the difference in cost between the two on batteries) can be great. Our little girl, along with a few of our friends kids, all loved the Ocean Wonders one by Fisher Price...although for whatever reason, it seems to be ridiculously expensive on Amazon. I believe we paid 150 or 200 for it brand new. Worth every penny...cheap swings are just that: cheap. They aren't comfortable, they aren't well made, and they don't work for particularly picky infants (e.g. my daughter). I have a few friends who had more laid-back kids who have said that the cheaper swings work, so if money is tight that's something you might wait on until you meet the child:)

For most baby stuff, you get what you pay for. The stuff that works is going to be expensive because it works. I tell most of my friends that my experience is that you buy the best rated thing you can afford (just because it's expensive doesn't necessarily mean it's good, always find product reviews!).

Anyhow, through the pregnancy, the best thing you can do is just be interested and involved. Try to remember that your wife/partner might seem to lose her mind a few times, and it's mostly hormones...so let the crazy slide a little bit more than usual.

Other than that, just square yourself with the idea that your old life is done, and you now have a new one. Everything changes with kids, and the more OK you are with that, the better you will be as a dad. It's the best change you could ask for, and most dads will say that they wouldn't go back to the life of video games and nightly partying for anything in the world now that they are dads. It's worth giving all of that up a million times over. But don't fight it. Don't tell your wife that she can handle being home with her one-month old alone because you're stressed and need some time with your boys. Don't say that you can't get up in the middle of the night because you have an early tee time. Don't tell her that you shouldn't have to help clean up the kitchen because you worked all day.

That kind of stuff comes naturally to most guys, and I certainly hope it does for you. You find that when you just let the change envelop you, instead of trying to shoehorn your old lifestyle into your new life, things are easier and much more fun. The change is good, and it is inevitable. Fighting it just makes you, your wife, and your child miserable.

Yes, the crib can come at anytime, but I think he needs to be in the same room as mommy until 6 months. You could go sooner, but why? Unless he's causing problems with sleep, as they say, "if it ain't broke....".

EVERYONE, has advice and they are more than happy to give it, so I'll repeat mine. "If it doesn't FEEL right, don't do it."

You will over think everything about the first child, I did and still do. Read, but try not to obsess with "growth charts" and the "he should be doing "blank" at this many months" charts all baby books seem to have.

Find a good pediatrician, one you like as well as respect and but most of all has kids of his own. I think having kids changes your outlook and it's important that your doctor have some perspective and first hand experience of being a first time parent. Nothing changes your life more than the first child as you will soon see.

Dad needs to read this book "Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads" it's funny but has some great advice. Yes, MORE advice sorry.

Good Luck the first six months or so are the toughest, but also the most rewarding.

Everything you describe is perfectly normal. The first few months are a marathon, and it's perfectly natural to feel tired and frustrated.

Have you ever tried a natural teat bottle, like Adiri? If baby absolutely will not take a bottle, you can try feeding him with a dropper. Contact your local Le Leche League who will be able to give you advice, they are a great resource.

Bennett actually sounds like a good sleeper for a three month old! We found that co-sleeping worked best for us to try to get sleep and get baby accustomed to sleeping at night. Be patient, he will get better and better at sleeping long stretches, but he sounds like he's already doing great giving you those long stretches at least some of the time.

Have you read The Happiest Baby on the Block? It's got great advice for soothing a colicky baby and getting him to sleep, some good common sense advice.

Hang in there! It gets easier, it really does, and the time will fly by.

>Whilst bio Dad wasn’t in contact J would say “I don’t like my Dad when I go there all he does is sleeps and leaves me on my own”. “My Dad never buys me anything he must not care for me”. And, "Why doesn't Daddy buy me good presents?". These were J’s own words. ... [Now] it feels like J can’t see that those who are there for him, and would never let him down, are us. We’re always here for him yet right now the sun shines out of bio Dad’s backside.

J loves his dad, and that's as clear from the first half of the above quote as it is from the second half. And that's pretty normal. Most of us love our parents even when they act like total assholes - that's part of the reason it can hurt so much. It's ok for him to love his dad. (It's not ok for his dad to abuse that love, of course.)

The only difference between then and now is that previously, he had little hope of getting any love back. Now - misplaced though it may be - he does have that hope. And lots of it. That hope may temporarily outshine everything else, including his appreciation for his reliable mom and stepdad. Stop taking that personally. This burst of hope will fade, and based on what you've said it'll probably fade into disappointment. Be there to catch him when he falls down that other side. He will appreciate it in the long run.

> my Dad has terminal Cancer and J is close to my Dad but he doesn’t know what’s going on with that. He’s too young to understand.

I'm sorry to hear that; I lost my dad to cancer a decade ago. That said, your kid is (nearly?) 10, not 2. Illness and death are well within his ability to understand. It is recommended you help children understand the realities of a terminal illness as soon (but as gently) as possible so they can come to grips with it and participate in the transition. Here is some good information from Cancer.org (it's from the perspective of a dying parent, but a close grandparent shouldn't be much different).

If this and the simultaneous issues with J's father are somewhat overwhelming to J (or you), I suggest finding a good family therapist. They can be a huge help.

>We’ve tried talking to him about his behaviour and why it’s happening. He switches off, or tells us “I don’t know”. When we do try and talk to him he doesn’t listen. He will literally switch off. If asked “What did I just say J?” he will respond with “I don’t know I forgot”. ... how we can help J get back on track with behaviour?

He's got a lot going on emotionally thanks to his dad (and I wouldn't be surprised if he's picked up at least somewhat on your dad's illness or your reaction to it, too). It can be hard for a kid to keep everything together. You need to help him find ways to handle his day-to-day problems rather than reacting to them in less-than-healthy ways. I'm a big fan of using problem-solving to handle behavior issues, and I always like to recommend Raising Human Beings because it lays out an empirically-proven model for doing so. And as a bonus for you, because the biggest part of the process is listening, it contains a ton of strategies for how to help your kid talk. He needs you to stick by him, to listen, and to help.

(edit: Raising Human Beings is based off The Explosive Child, which is focused on more difficult children. I'm going to mention it because the primary difference is it has paperwork and cheat sheets to help you keep track of things, which you might find helpful. Here's the one that summarizes most of the various strategies for helping your kid to talk, for example.)

I'm also going to agree with Exis007: Give him lots of quality time. Always connect, never disconnect. That's one of the many reasons I prefer empathy and problem-solving over punishment. Disconnecting isn't helpful.

My 4 year old is also very strong willed. I remind myself daily that he is going to do wonderful things as an adult, or so everyone tells me. I constantly tell myself to breath first, think second, respond last. I do my best not to respond with anger, because IMO it only adds fuel to the fire. Redirection at this age gets more difficult, but I still practice it. I often find that sometimes taking action instead of using words is tremendously effective. IE the four year old has a strong decisive to continuously climb on the counter. I tried the, "you're going to get hurt, it's dangerous, etc." route, which did nothing. I then started removing him from the counter without words, setting him on the floor, and firmly saying, "We don't climb on counters."

I've also come to realize saying things like, "please don't climb on the counters," isn't effective. It has to be a firm set of directions (not harsh).

We've also started positive affirmations daily. And lots of appraisal for "good behavior" for positive reinforcement. Like.. "Thank you for cleaning up your toys!" With a happy dance and clap of the hands. Or when he follows a set of directions without telling him half a dozen times I be sure to tell him, "that was an excellent job listening to the directions I gave you, thank you!!"

Something my job taught me was to say a set of silly phrases before responding to a situation that makes you angry, "yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread." I say that to myself often before responding to my 4 year old. If you're interested two books that really helped me are Peaceful Parents, Happy Kids and No Bad Kids. Hope this helps!

I never found a good guide book, but there are good picture books...
My son was 2/3 when I split from his dad, he still likes to read Two Homes
One thing to keep in mind down the road is to be clear that the split is permanent (if it is). May sound heartless, but giving kids room to imagine a reconciliation is much crueler.
Be matter of fact and happy about your choice, and he will adapt. Kids need their parents to be strong and comfortable, as long as you reassure him you both love him forever and that you are both happy he will be ok. Any specific questions I'd be happy to answer, but it's a pretty broad topic!

Buy this set of books. Read them yourself. Then read them with your daughter, as much as you're ready for. Leave them out where she can look through them herself.

http://www.amazon.ca/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c

http://www.amazon.ca/Its-So-Amazing-Babies-Families/dp/0763613215/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/177-6181848-2944312

http://www.amazon.ca/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763644846

By the way, it's not the "bad kids" at school who know about this stuff. In fact, it was very likely to be my own kids, who were as far from "bad" as you can possibly imagine. They simply had the benefit of having two parents who were involved in teaching a variety of different sex ed courses, and who were never uncomfortable discussing it with them.

I still remember my kids running into the house one summer afternoon, yelling, "Mom, mom, (our neighbours' 7 and 9 year old girls) don't know what a condom is!"

I said, "So, what did you tell them?"

Very primly, my nine year old girl said, "I told them condoms are a barrier method of contraception."

And my seven year old son jumped in and said excitedly, "And I told them condoms are like balloons, but never ever write on them with permanent markers, because they'll POP!"

It's hilarious what kids take away at different ages!

Give your daughter the gift of accurate information about her body, about sex, and about relationships. Not only will you be doing her a favour by empowering her with facts, but you'll also be helping every other kid she might choose share this information with.

My daughter's now in Grade 11 and has had to correct more than one of her friends on some basic facts. Yes, you CAN get pregnant if you do it standing up. The first time is not a "freebie". The Pill won't protect you from STIs. Using a tampon doesn't mean you're not a virgin any more, and no, it won't migrate into your uterus and get lost up there. Always go out with friends, stick with them, and never leave a drink unattended. Exposing yourself on chat roulette is a Very Bad Idea.

As for what other kids (who are also not "bad kids") might tell your daughter... I once had a very entertaining afternoon listening through my window to one 9 year old boy who was very seriously explaining to another 9 year old boy that all babies are the same when they start growing in their mummy's bellies, but then boys get "outies" and girls get "innies" and that's why boys and girls fit together when they have sex. There's always some interesting stories going around the school yards! Better to give your kids the real story, yourself.

My cousin recommended "The happiest baby on the block" as a book. I found it incredibly hard to read but I came away with these methods for soothing a baby:

>The 5 “S’s”: the simple steps (swaddling, side/stomach position, shushing, swinging and sucking) that trigger the calming reflex. For centuries, parents have tried these methods only to fail because, as with a knee reflex, the calming reflex only works when it is triggered in precisely the right way. Unlike other books that merely list these techniques Dr. Karp teaches parents exactly how to do them, to guide cranky infants to calm and easy babies to serenity in minutes…and help them sleep longer too.

As for the "right" combination, just keep calm (babies can sense tension/anxiety) and experiment (as I recall). When teeny-tiny, our son really liked to be swaddled, and shushing worked, well too. We had no qualms about a pacifier - we're not sure how those "crazies" (playful jest, people!) who try to do without pacifiers make it.

Conversely, he was several months old before he got used to a swing, but we could gently bounce with him in our arms while gently rocking to help calm him down.

A play therapist named Lawrence Cohen wrote a great book, [Playful Parenting] (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0345442865), that has a good discussion of this issue. He suggests some games and play strategies you can use to help your son work through his difficulty losing.

>[S]witch gears from playing the game to playing with these themes [of winning and losing]. For example, set up a game where they will always win, and pretend to be a ridiculous figure of a sore loser. Or brag about how great you are, then miss every shot -- whatever helps them laugh and release that feeling of life or death over the outcome of the game. Make up a game with a funny rule, like "No hitting me with this pillow," and then act goofy when they -- surprise -- hit you with it. "Waaah, you cheated!"

He also recommends a game he calls the "winning and losing game":

> This is a game where the focus is on playfully addressing the emotional layer underneath. It can be anything at all, as long as there is playful use of the ideas of winning and losing. For example, flip a coin, heads or tails; if you lose, go into a Shakespearean death scene because you lost...If you win, announce that you are the greatest coin flipper in the history of the universe, do a little victory dance, and then act real surprised when you lose the next toss.

You are doing what's best for your kids by living close by and being involved. Seriously, good on you and your ex-wife for looking past your issues with each other to what's best for your little ones. To ease your daughter's separation anxiety, the best thing to do is to
a) be consistent, and
b) hammer it in at both homes that even when one parent is absent, they are loved unconditionally by both.
I bought this book to read to my son after his father moved out, and it carries that message across with beautiful, simple words and illustrations.

http://www.amazon.ca/Two-Homes-Claire-Masurel/dp/0763619841

Good luck to you and your little ones!

YES - my son is a climber, a runner, and loves to get into everything. Babyproofing made my life so much calmer. Here's some of my favorite finds.

Door Monkey - fits on standard (not beveled) door frames, installs in 1 second, and works fantastic as both a pinch guard and to prevent entry/exit. Its also nice on bedroom doors which have locks on them, as I'd get locked out of multiple rooms otherwise as my son knows how to activate those locks.

flip lock - for the front door, as my kid figured out how to move a chair to the front door and unlock it and get outside. Easy to install high up, looks nice, cheap, and is easy to work.

Baby fence - put this around the stuff you want to keep baby out of! Things such as entertainment centers and computer desks can be surrounded by this fence.

magnetic locks - for those drawers that you don't want any possible entry into, i.e. drawers with money. Very solid lock.

Latches - for things that can't be drilled into/that you don't want to drill into. You can lock the bottom drawer of the stove, the dishwasher, regular drawers, etc with this. Easy to install; I don't know how easy to remove.

Control-Fed to see if anyone had mentioned this and they haven't-- "The Happiest Baby On The Block," by Dr. Harvey Karp. I can't imagine what the first six months would have been like for us without it. I still shhhhhh my baby to sooth her at almost 15 months, and it still works. Find a radio station with the flattest static you can, and play it for her, all night long. It'll sooth her and block out background noises that may disturb her. To be honest, the rest of the book wouldn't be very helpful for you now since it's meant for newborns, but the white noise may still work.

If you're this stressed out, your baby can probably sense it. I'm certainly not trying to guilt you more; it's just a really nasty vicious circle. I'm not nearly as at the end of my rope as you sound, but I also work, so I get a 10 hour break every day from my kid, which probably goes a long way. Like you, our families are not close, and we don't really have any friends in the area; in my case, my husband works a LOT so it's often just me and the baby.

Everyone keeps telling me to join a meet up group of moms. I haven't found one yet that meets on weekends, but you seem to be a stay at home mom and it might be easier for you. Also, if you can afford it, something like Gymboree where you can make mom friends and get a change of setting.

Good luck, and hang in there.

Edit: Re: bottles: Some babies don't like bottles at all, they will drink from spoons, or just go straight to cups. Try a straw sippy cup, like this one-- my kiddo's been on them since about 10 months.

3 is a REALLY hard age. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed by trying to parent, especially a child who has extra challenges from a health problem. A few things:

1. You need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Other people have mentioned the possibility of this triggering your own mental health issue. When my health issues were addressed, it made parenting SO much easier. You also need breaks and a way to remove yourself from situations where you are overwhelmed. We used these: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004ECJWK4/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&th=1 to keep our son in his room, where he was safe. Because of how it latches, it's still easy to hear if something goes wrong, but doesn't allow them to wander around/get into dangerous things. Obviously you can't just lock your child in their room for hours at a time. But if you're loosing control of your own emotions, 10 minutes of being in their room is a lot healthier than you losing it on them.
   
   
2. It might help to see a therapist. They can give you tools to help calm down.
   
   
3. This is the big thing that I wish I knew when my oldest son was three. It's okay that your kid is out of control. You cannot control him. You cannot force him to behave. And he's not capable of controlling himself yet either. That means that there are going to be a LOT of times where he's out of control. That can feel overwhelming and scary, but it is NORMAL and there isn't anything that you need to do to "fix" it. Keep communicating your expectations and just hang on. He will mature. His ability to control himself will improve. He won't behave this way when he's 14. His misbehavior doesn't mean that you're a bad parent.
   
   With all that said. Don't feed the emotions. If he's melting down, put consequences on hold. Adding time outs, or losing privileges, or spanking him isn't going to help things. It's only going to add anxiety for him and you and extend the problem. He feels out of control and doesn't know how to change that. More consequences for not doing something he doesn't know how to do aren't going to help. Reset your expectations to things that you think both of you can accomplish. Fighting over cleaning up toys? Decide that you'll come back to the toys and go get a drink instead. Is he melting down because he wants a snack and it's an hour until dinner? Get out of the kitchen and start a bath. (Add food coloring for extra distraction.) Are you trying to do grocery shopping and he's throwing a fit? Get the stuff you need for dinner and head home. Parenting a 3 year old requires a LOT of flexibility and that's not always a part of a parent's personality.
   
   Last suggestion. If you can afford it, find a drop off day care that will allow you a little time away. That way, every Tuesday at 10 (or whatever time works for you) you can drop off littlenotbeingmyself#1 and put littlenotbeingmyself#2 in the running stroller and do that thing that you love. There have been times where I've felt like the fact that I'm a stay at home parent means that I should ALWAYS be watching them. And I've discovered that's not healthy for any of us. Hang in there. It does, eventually, get easier.

The Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy was a gift from a friend and my absolute favorite when I was pregnant. I've gifted it to several friends since. "What to Expect" I found surprisingly off-putting, much more "What to Expect if You Are Married and Upper-Middle Class".

For later, I loved Simplicity Parenting, Baby-Led Weaning, and The Happiest Baby on the Block. Those last three I got from our local library.

Congrats!

Lots of great advice already on this thread, but I wanted to recommend this book as well. It is witty and playful, but has a lot of really good information.

Also, be the best husband in the world and as soon as your wife starts getting big, buy her a body pillow. I made it through my first pregnancy without one, but now at 31 weeks along with my second, I can't imagine how I survived without it.

Ditto. But maybe not family therapy per se. If they kiddos are young (under 8 or 9), they may or may not have the linguistic ability to really express how they feel. But play therapy should be incorporated as well as that is how children work their feelings. Then, a good therapist can help decipher the themes of their play and what the kiddo needs. They can also recommend good books. I suggest getting The Invisible String and A Terrible Thing Happened.

Also, I'm so so sorry for your loss. Make sure to take care of yourself as well if you begin to feel overwhelmed.

EDIT: I'm sorry I got over-excited about sharing information. But therapy may not be necessary. I work with trauma a lot and there's saying "We treat symptoms, not events." Some kids are incredibly resilient and can bounce back without therapy at all.

Admittedly I’m not where you are yet, but I have recently read this toddler discipline book for help with my 11 month old. She’s been pulling the cats’ tails and petting them roughly and I felt I wasn’t getting through to her. The book is Janet Lansbury’s No Bad Kids. I’m following her sample script of “I won’t let you touch the tail,” and removing my kid from the situation. She goes into wayyyy more detail and I really like her approach. I read the ebook pretty quickly.

Edit: I know 11 months is pretty young but I’m proud to say she is petting the cats much more gently now! We have success at least half the time after only a week. Admittedly she was never being rough with them out of anger, but it’s still a learning curve for her. She looks over at me while doing it to gauge my reaction.

I think the above poster has a great idea for how to start the conversation with her, but I would suggest against getting her one of her own simply because of how young she is.

For one since she is so young she runs the risk of becoming desensitized and when she does finally have sex it could be more difficult for her to come without it. Another reason is the issue of opening herself up to problems if her daughter ever tells someone about it or shows it to a friend or heaven forbid lets a friend use it. I can see how someone could misinterpret it and before you know it you have CPS at your door and you are being investigated for child abuse.

My best friend is a sex educator and she suggest that you talk with her about masturbation and encourage her to explore herself but that toys at this age is just too young. She suggested I get this book for my daughter and it helped a LOT. It's Perfectly Normal

Playful Parenting by Cohen.

It's a great book about how important play is to kids and to parents. Using play to stay connected to my son and get him to behave feels like cheating sometimes. We have a great relationship, and he's really well behaved.

It also has great tips for using playtime to help circumvent and or conquer unnecessary fears in a toddler or young child.

I really liked this one. It's super practical and actually funny. The illustrations are great, like from old school men's magazines. Be Prepared by Gary Greenberg et al. http://www.amazon.com/dp/0743251547/ref=cm_sw_r_udp_awd_AUPetb1CM32XA

This was the best book my wife and I found: Happiest Baby on the Block
http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410421839&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+baby+on+the+block

Also, SwaddleMe pretty much saved our lives:
http://www.amazon.com/Summer-Infant-SwaddleMe-Adjustable-3-Pack/dp/B003JHYDIQ/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1410421888&sr=8-2&keywords=swaddle+me

As said in this thread, it gets better. We just got through two months and it feels like a hundred years ago we were at 3 weeks.

I found this series of ["Show Me How"] (http://www.amazon.com/Show-Dad-How-Parenting-Magazine/dp/1616281111/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526055&sr=8-1&keywords=show+dad+how)
books to be humorous and quite helpful, there's [one for mom] (http://www.amazon.com/Show-Mom-How-Parenting-Magazine/dp/161628112X/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526055&sr=8-3&keywords=show+dad+how) too.

Working at a book store I have had several new parents looking for the [Happiest Baby Books] (http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Baby-Block-Harvey-Karp/dp/0553381466/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526423&sr=8-1&keywords=happiest+baby+on+the+block) (there's one for toddler's too). The American Pediatric Association also has a [book] (http://www.amazon.com/Caring-Your-Baby-Young-Child/dp/0553393820/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1421526506&sr=8-1&keywords=caring+for+your+baby+and+young+child+birth+to+age+5) that covers Pre-birth to 5 years. I read a chapter each month to keep me up to speed on the miles stones ahead, my son is 3 now and it was incredibly helpful.

Good luck!

I'm not sure what you are looking for. I agree with /u/cadabra04 that there's likely one of 2 reasons for the behavior. In the example you gave, your kid threw a toy. Something made him throw the toy. Some emotion was happening. Was he super excited? Was he pretending it was a superhero and it was flying? Was he mad so he did it out of anger? I think that's the first point. Of those three I'd only discipline for the third and even then I'd say, "We don't throw toys. If you want to throw. you can throw the ball outside. Go pick (Toy) up". If he refused (maybe he is really mad) I'd say it again and say "(Name), pick up the toy." If he ignored I'd walk him to the toy and make him pick it up. All of this is done in a neutral tone, no yelling, no meanness, etc. At that point, my daughter would cry in protest but it got done. This is what the behavioral therapist taught us.
My daughter is strong willed and very emotional. Time outs were hard for her bc she hated isolation and would just escalate to a point where she literally COULD NOT calm herself down yet she didn't want to be talked to/hugged/etc either when she was emotional.

This is a pretty good book that's often recommended on this sub because well, it's pretty good:
https://smile.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1501131656?sa-no-redirect=1

My daughter is the same age and very sensitive emotionally, so we've started talking about death because, well, sometimes we step on a bug and it dies and that's sad. She's never encountered the death of a person or animal she has a strong attachment too, though.

There's a lovely book called Lifetimes that is non-scary and easy to understand. It talks about how all living things have a lifetime. Some have short lifetimes and some have long lifetimes. This is not good or bad, it just is. It goes into a lot more detail and talks about feelings when someone/something reaches the end of its lifetime, but really is a lovely book. I haven't read it yet to my daughter, but I use that language to explain death to her when she encounters it (however minor these experiences really are). She seems to accept it, and it has the benefit of not bringing illness or age into the equation.

TLDR (at bottom) recently switched daycares.

My daughter (3yo, will be 4 in Feb) is just getting out of this phase as we speak. (Literally this week things are getting better.)

The mistake of taking her out of her crib early I think is what started this. When she was in the crib she was a good sleeper throughout the night. We also have a 5 and 2 year old that sleep perfectly.

We have a pretty specific routine/schedule and diet that doesn’t consist of sugar and juices. So we ruled that out early on. Plus no tv or iDevices. However, on the weekends we allow a kid’s movie. And that’s when the night terrors began (OMFG)... thank you Coco and Monsters Inc.

It usually takes 90 minutes to two hours to get her down. And she’d only want my wife and then she’d come in two times in the middle of the night. We don’t allow them to sleep in our bed. However that may be the less of two evils.

We bought door locks for when she wants to be extremely difficult and that worked a little because she sees that as a punishment. However we don’t lock doors overnight or extended periods of time.

She naps well too so there really isn’t anything to change there. I thought we need to take her to the doctor because this shit isn’t normal lol. We also tried kids Zarbee Melatonin... the little girl’s will power was too strong for that.

Soooo..... what has changed!?!?!? The daycare. The previous daycare from two weeks ago was good in its own right. However we felt it didn’t push or really stimulate her. And I would go as far as saying the caregivers/teachers didn’t give her the personal attention or “love” she may have needed. And that’s not specific to my girl.

Therapy is an excellent idea. The fact that he's unwilling to talk about his bio father is reason enough. If you suspect abuse then definitely get him some professional support.

I know his response seems too big for the problem but if you look at it from his perspective he just got "caught" doing something he might not fully understand or have embarrassed or shameful feelings about; maybe even some worry about getting into trouble. (Not that you did anything to suggest it was wrong or bad, but kids just get sucked into those tracks of thinking). And then to have to have a talk about it...that night...gah! His preteen head just couldn't handle it. I'm not saying your concern about his response isn't valid; however had the discussion happened the next day or evening he might have been more able to manage his emotions and been more receptive. With my own kiddo often little time and space from a difficult situation helps defuse the emotion and makes him more willing to have a conversation.

Going forward - get a couple of books:
It's Perfectly Normal
Boy's Guide to Becoming a Teen

Then open up the conversation again, "the other night when we talked you got pretty upset and that's ok, I understand. I got you a couple of books and marked a few pages that you might want to read. You know I love you and I know these conversations might be uncomfortable for you, but I'm always here to answer questions or give advice. You don't need to feel embarrassed" Leave him the with books, let him know you'll check in with him later in the week to see if he has any questions; make a point to keep it causal.

Later in the week check-in. "Did you have a chance to read any of those books?" Got any questions?"
Then be sure to check in every few weeks. Doesn't need to be naggy; he just needs to know you're there and willing to answer his questions honestly.

Also, be sure read the books before you give them to him. They use a lot of simple language to explain complex topics which is super helpful for all.

BTW: your kiddo is pretty lucky to have you in his life. My personal situation is a bit similar and I will be forever grateful to my Dad for adopting me and raising me as his own. There's nothing better than knowing you have someone in your life that doesn't have to be there, but chose to be.

My four-year-old started doing this and he started complaining that he didn't like the dark in this room. But for him that's a stall tactic. Recently we started keeping the lights in the hallway and other close areas on, but explained to him that every time he comes out of his room we will turn off one light. It has worked out very well.


Also: these are awesome. I don't use it anymore, but it was very helpful when my kids were younger for bedrooms, closets, pantries, etc.

http://www.amazon.com/Door-Monkey-Lock-Pinch-Guard/dp/B004ECJWK4

First, I'm sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how tough it must be to lose your mom so suddenly.

In regards to your question, I strongly urge you to be open, honest, and empathetic with your son. Tiptoeing around the issue or using euphemisms is only going to confuse him further, and may even make it more upsetting for him.

A few months ago I had to explain to my (also very verbal) 2-year-old about her father's death. I was very anxious about how to handle it but I did my best to answer all of her questions completely without making it overcomplicated or offering unsolicited details. I also spoke with her daycare teacher so that she was prepared to handle the topic should it come up, and so she knew how I was framing the issue (e.g. please don't tell my kid that her dad is an angel watching over her or anything like that).

Death is a very abstract concept and it definitely took some time before the message got through to my daughter that death was permanent and that her dad was not coming back. For a couple weeks after our initial conversation, she kept springing intense, emotionally-loaded questions on me out of nowhere. Even though it was hard, I wanted her to feel comfortable asking me these types of questions so I made a point of keeping myself composed when I responded. I also occasionally checked in with her to assess how she was processing things, and to see if she had any additional questions (she usually did).

This book might also be helpful: Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children Several people have recommended it to me but I haven't gotten around to buying it yet.

There's another edition of this book that focuses on 2-7yos, which contains an entire chapter devoted towards children with autism, sensory issues and developmental delays, which isn't to say your son has those issues, but you could still apply the methods outlined in that chapter to a kid who's still learning to express himself. For example, there's these subsections:

• Take Time to Imagine What Your Child is Experiencing
  
  
• Put into Words What Kids Want to Say
  
  
• Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Write a Note, Use a Gesture, Draw a Picture, Sing
  
  I think these would be really helpful for nonverbal kids. Plus, it's only a matter of time before your son is verbal, and I often wish I had discovered this book BEFORE I really needed it, which is around 2yo. You have to adopt a different mentality and it took me a couple months to really shift gears away from the reward/punish first mentality.

Mental health and addiction usually go hand in hand. There are no many who have an addiction who don't have a mental health challenge.

I have anxiety and my childhood was similar to what you are writing. I was a horribly anxious kid, and when I felt totally out-of-control that sometimes led to anger/frustration. I couldn't stay home alone, go to parks, or "scary" places even with a parent without freaking out. I did okay socially, but worried a lot about rejection and was never a social butterfly. That being said, I was ultimately really well behaved. I've never been formally diagnosed on the spectrum, but I definitely present with some mild sensory-related symptoms - likely related to the anxiety. I needed to learn how to effectively communicate worries and have a parent who listened without enabling. Self-awareness of emotions has been life changing.


While I don't think medication is a terrible thing, it should be a last resort. How is her diet? How is her sleep? Are you supplementing her diet at all - omega, magnesium (Natural Calm for Kids) and vitamin d can be helpful for anxiety? What coping mechanism is she practicing? How self-aware is she of the anxious feelings/emotions? How well does she communicate? How well do YOU communicate and work WITH her to solve "problems"?

Have you considered introducing her to a book-club or similar extracurricular to promote social exchange and keep her busy? The less-busy (and I don't mean relaxation time)I am, the more time anxious thoughts have to set in.

Since she loves reading, I suggest:

• https://www.amazon.ca/What-When-You-Worry-Much/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1526504920&sr=8-1&keywords=kids+worry+book
  
• https://www.amazon.ca/Please-Explain-Anxiety-Me-Solutions/dp/1615992162/ref=pd_sim_14_12?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1615992162&pd_rd_r=MGWA305R66YTXVN7R5AN&pd_rd_w=43PZS&pd_rd_wg=yp1Ol&psc=1&refRID=MGWA305R66YTXVN7R5AN
  
  Remember she is also going through puberty, which is a particularly rough time for us clinically anxious folks. Hormones still make me go from mentally-healthy to mentally-ill for a couple days every month.

This is exactly what child and family therapists specialize in- helping kids and families work through emotional issues, break bad connections, and rebuild healthy patterns. Many families with such unhealthy habits vilify therapy (mine did), so it can feel so strange to take your kid (or sibling) in to work with a therapist. It can make such huge differences in their lives, though, and the earlier the better. This is also a huge transition in your life- parenting a child with average behaviors is stressful, so parenting a child with your borther's needs is going to be a long, tough road. You need support, and a therapist could likely help you break down some of the things from your own childhood that will make parenting harder.

If you want to lay the groundwork so he at least begins to understand death, from a 'death is natural for all living creatures' perspective, not a religious or philosophical one, the book Lifetimes does a beautiful job of that.

I really hope you are able to get the support you both need. Your brother is so very fortunate to have you, but there's just no way for him to understand that for a good long time. I appreciate what you are doing.

Excellent advice from people here. I'd also suggest that you and mom both take a parenting class. Kids are baffling for experienced adults. A good parenting class is extremely helpful for a new parent. Oh, also this book: https://smile.amazon.com/Be-Prepared-Gary-Greenberg/dp/0743251547?sa-no-redirect=1

I highly recommend The Happiest Baby On The Block. It will be invaluable during the first three months or so, which are some of the toughest.

Also, echoing what others have said, a lot of things will work themselves out. It's not rocket science, and it's pretty easy to learn as you go. It's the hours that are hell. :-)

HOWEVER, that being said, don't let stereotypes, movies, and other parents scare you. They will sleep through the night eventually, and you will get to the point where you can resume normal life activities such as going out to eat. It might not be as relaxed as it once was, but it will still be great.

It's Perfectly Normal

One of the best ones I've found.

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. It does sound like she was in the hospital, so I would ask to speak with the child life specialist. When my dad was on life support, the hospitals child life specialists were incredible in explaining death to my kids and helping them understand what’s happening.

A children’s grief support group is also a good idea. The one my children attended starts at 3 years old. The whole thing is designed to help kids understand death and dying as a life process and help them develop healthy grief response and coping strategies.

There are also several great books to help children try to understand death. Off the top of my head, my kids really liked The Invisible String and Water Bugs and Dragonflies.

Yay! It does sound like you're on the right track. Here's a link to a kids' book you might find useful, and there may be others shown on the same page that are along the same lines:

https://www.amazon.com/Miles-Boss-His-Body-Safety/dp/0989407136

We like this for inside doors- http://www.amazon.com/Door-Monkey-Childproof-Pinch-Guard/dp/B004ECJWK4. We keep our doors to the outside locked at all times.... our kiddo hasn't figured out the locks yet.

Good luck!!

My daughters went through the exact same thing. It started all of the sudden when one of them was afraid for us to leave them at age 7 for the first time in her life. Then it turned into "bad thoughts" and not wanting to go to school, etc. I have twins and both of them went through this at different times but it seems like it is something about 1st grade - 3rd grade where this is really common. Out of sheer desperation, I bought the book "What to Do When You Worry Too Much" on Amazon. It is an interactive book for kids that talks about strategies for not letting their worries grow, saving their worries for one 15 minute time period in the day and resetting their system. It really helped both of my girls, and pretty quickly because they felt like they finally had a strategy or something that could help them. I hope that this helps you!

https://www.amazon.com/What-When-Worry-Much-What/dp/1591473144/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=Worry+book&qid=1574100550&sr=8-3

I agree that hospital parenting classes are the best way to go. But you can also find some books on Amazon or videos on Youtube just by searching things like "new dad tips" or something. Here's a few links; I'm not sure how many are targeted to single dads, though. You may find a lot of references to "your partner" in the books, but there still is some truth to that -- you're not romantic partners, but you still need to be parenting partners.


http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0743251547?keywords=new%20fathers%20book&qid=1452471002&ref_=sr_1_3&sr=8-3

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0789212137?keywords=new%20fathers%20book&qid=1452471002&ref_=sr_1_4&sr=8-4

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0316159956?keywords=new%20fathers%20book&qid=1452471002&ref_=sr_1_7&sr=8-7

http://www.amazon.com/The-New-Father-Guide-Series-ebook/dp/B00VPPYEWY/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSfPqgtdmAo

Get him this. I paid double that price for this book, and it was more than worth it. It is an awesome book filled with knowledge and humor.