(Part 2) Best products from r/SeriousConversation

First, pain is a human constant, we suffer when we refuse to let go of our ideas of what the world should be, and not embrace the world we have. With the internet we’ve just gotten a broader view of the scope.

I would suggest reading everything is fucked by Mark Manson

Edited to explain: pain is extremely important. Everyone loves the good times because they bring us joy and meaning. However the hard times are just as important, they give us the opportunity for growth and wisdom. Without pain, there won’t be pleasure.

I feel you. I keep googling "how to find out your goals" XD

"Ikigai" might be a place for you to start? https://images.app.goo.gl/WDuZNbYkcLzxa31L9

I wish you all the best! I started therapy last week after years of trying to get treated for depression.

I also finally started a book I bought about 6 years ago called "Just get on with it".
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1848501617/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_QuZXDbJN9KMQA

You sound like you might enjoy Epicurus

I was in the same boat. Read this: https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X Literally half of the book is about how to do reflective listening. That alone changed my life. And the more you learn genuine social skills like that, the more you'll realize everyone has no idea what they're doing and they're lucky to be making their way through life at all.

DO NOT USE DATING APPS!!! They heavily favor women and you'll just be running into getting tens of rejections a day. Dating apps are for women. Not men.

Every college has a ballroom dance club. Join it.

> I feel like I'm not good at anything.

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I learned this attitude as well.

I'm currently reading this: The Self esteem workbook

It says that self-worth should not be tied to external things like performance (video game results - in your case), appearance etc. Self worth stays the same no matter what happens to you. Even I made the mistake of tying my self worth to my actions, and it didn't work as well. You are more than what you do.

Sex being center of our life is ruining everything. Well, we are not first humans on Earth and this is not a way to live a good life, it was discovered through ages again and again. http://www.amazon.com/Cupids-Poisoned-Arrow-Harmony-Relationships/dp/1556438095

OP, I bet that this book would help you: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0984392777/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_u-l9Ab2C7R6R1

I know how you feel. Believe me.

You might want to try reading a book called The Power of Now. It's got a lot of hokum in it, but its chief points are profound: we are not our thoughts (in the same way that we are not an eye twitch, we are not our thoughts); we can control our thoughts; the past and the future exist only in our minds; only now is real. You also might want to read It's Easier than You Think, which is a terrific introduction to Buddhism.

Listen: until you can let go of this you, not your father, you will continue to allow him to victimize you by the own disquiet in your mind.

What you really may be struggling with has nothing to do with your father at all; he's only the instigator of this journey. You're really struggling with self-control. Seems like you may be on the verge of waking up to self-awareness.

Check out 16personalities.com and take the 5 minute test. You may find it's the red pill you've been looking for.

You can outgrow this. You don't have to be scarred by anyone else's pain, not even your father's. But you have to take the step. It's hard; I'm not saying the path ever will be easy. But since when is anything genuinely worth achieving ever easy?

I've got one of these that I keep in reach of my driver's seat at all times. Highly recommended.

Edit: fixed link (hopefully)

Relevant: http://nautil.us/issue/9/time/life-is-a-braid-in-spacetime

And his book: https://www.amazon.com/Our-Mathematical-Universe-Ultimate-Reality/dp/0307744256

Read this, I just started it and it has a really shockingly interesting perspective on modern ennui (which is what you're going through):

https://www.amazon.com/Conquest-Happiness-Bertrand-Russell/dp/087140673X

I actually write while at work. I have my notebook with me all day so i slowly add on through the day. On the weekend usually morning. Its my favorite part of the day. Lately its been daily but 4 out of 7 days is average. Length varies. On boring days I write 3/4 of a page.
This is the one I am using

I can only agree,

Read Francis Fukyama's book on identity politics:

https://www.amazon.com/Identity-Demand-Dignity-Politics-Resentment/dp/0374129290/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=identity+politics+fukuyama&qid=1561990130&s=books&sr=1-1

​

The segregration we experience is dividing us al up into smaller and smaller subgroups. The fear of being labelled and the fear of prejudice, doesn't prevent that labelling and prejudice are also present in these subgroups.

The way popular psychology has shaped public opinion on what makes the individual, is interesting as well. The whole idea of subconciousness and of being subconsciously unaware of other peoples situation (which implies guilt and a need for education), has become a mental and moral noose. A tool of coersion and shaming.

> I will be very upfront: I have never posted a damn thing on reddit. I don't comment on things. I'm a perpetual lurker, agreeing and disagreeing and appreciating and questioning all within my own mind, which is something I'm realizing is a result of 22 years of horrendous emotional abuse. Just as in a room physically surrounded by people and conversation, I don't participate, because I have an ever-present voice in my head that reminds me that people do not want to see or hear me. Over the years, this voice has evolved into not only reminding me that others don't wish to speak to me, but made me bitter, thus relinquishing my desire to interact with others.

Similar situation here, though for me the silence is only in-person, not over a computer.

> My dad is a narcissistic sociopath, who even to this day puts in as little effort as he can to actually be a parent (i.e., never asks me anything about my life, has more than the means to give some financial assistance while I finish college but doesn't so much as offer, never voluntarily devoted a second of time to me as a kid and complained relentlessly any time he was forced to). Physically present, but completely emotionally absent. In addition to this, he makes sure to remind me constantly what a disappointment I am. He shot down every creative idea and aspiration I had as a kid. He hated and neglected my older half-sister, looking at her as baggage that had to be dealt with in addition to my mom. Not that he appreciated my mom; he showed her every form of abuse that is known to the world. He made sure that nobody around him ever felt validated or loved or supported because of his insecurities. And yet, he makes sure to remind me consistently that I'm "lucky to have a good dad, because not everyone does."

​Yep, same. Except for the half-sister part. He's using you guys as a buffer between him and the world. He believes himself to be worthless (a self-fulfilling belief), and by keeping you guys down, he's able to be the "best" in some narrow part of his life. If you're into programming, he's making himself a local maxima in a global valley by exerting the small window of influence he has.

> I'm writing this because I'm at a loss for what to do with myself. I can't sit down and read a book without the voices in my head saying "you're alone. You're completely alone. You're alone because nobody loves you and you have no friends, so who really cares if you read this book? Why try to instill new information into a mind that has zero significance to the world?" I sincerely haven't felt unbridled happiness in a few years. I laughed at a joke last night at a party, and two of the people closest to me looked at me with utmost sincerity and said "as long as we've known you, you have never laughed that hard." I used to laugh constantly. I feel like all those years of being hurt and ignored are catching up to me now.

Yeah, this is where I was up until a few years ago. Here are the things the helped me;

Give yourself physical space and communicate on your terms only

Leave, and move far away. Find a job and an apartment more than 3 hours away from them, and do not depend on him. It may not seem like it, but busting ass at a shit job is much healthier than living with an emotional despot.

The US education system is fucked. You will be denied financial aid because of your father's income, but he is not obligated to (and clearly won't) actually pay a dime. The government does this because they're fucking incompetent, and he's doing this because he wants you to fail in order to maintain his superiority. There's not silver lining here. What you can do is find a university that accepted you with some scholarships/funding, and speak to the admissions officer (in person) to explain that you are having trouble getting the required financial aid. Explain everything about the situation. If they gave you merit based aid, they want you there.

Limit communication to the bare minimum required to enable friction-free communication with the loved ones you have who still deal with him. If it weren't for my brothers, and maybe my mother, I'd probably never see my father again. If you can do so without risking ties to other loved ones, just cut off all communication.

You will feel guilty leaving. You will be guilted for not calling enough, or not answering the phone, or not visiting enough. You will wonder whether this was all excessive, whether you're overreacting. You'll wonder whether you're being overly sensitive, and you'll be accused of being selfish and a bad son. You'll consider going back to the way things were often.

But you're not wrong, and you shouldn't go back. You already know that this situation is toxic. You've been conditioned your entire life to listen to someone else rather than yourself. Start listening to yourself. You won't always be right, but you will grow more as a person than you ever have making other people's mistakes rather than your own mistakes.

Force yourself to talk. Go to school, get a job, join a club. It doesn't matter how stupid and pointless it seems. Maybe I'm beyond the bounds of what I can assume about you, but for my part, I had a long habit of trying to talk myself out of socializing. Things like "it doesn't matter if I'm there", or "no one would care what I think", or "I'll probably get more done if I stay home than if I embarrass myself going out".

That's you speaking for your dad. You think for yourself when you consider speaking and socializing, You speak for your dad when you decide, on your own, not to. Stop speaking for him, and stop thinking about him.

If you are interested in something, go do it. If you're not, do it anyway. Join a hiking club, because whether you like it or not, It's not the hiking you need. Which I guess is a good segue into my next rant;

Exercise. I'm sorry. I know this sounds stupid, and probably comes off as unsolicited advice, but exercise. You sound perfectly calm and reasonable, but if you're anything like me, you're full of a deep, festering rage. And when that builds up, it can come out in some weird ways. Many self-destructive.

I rolled by eyes many, many times when people would tell me to exercise more. I should have listened sooner. I started exercising to lose weight. I kept exercising to fight depression. Turns out, exercise isn't super helpful for weight loss directly (it's mostly eclipsed by diet), but it's monumental in fighting depression.

Read books. Hey, another stupid suggestion. I know. I hated this advice too. But the more you read, the more you'll realize that...well...you're not that unique. Your problems aren't that unique, and your thoughts aren't that unique. They're common, and more to the point, you're not alone. Not in any of it.

If you want some objective insight into what it's like being the child of an emotionally abusive or immature parent, I can't recommend this book enough.

That's the Audible audiobook, because I can't focus on reading any more than you can. It feels pointless. But hearing someone else read is another sensation entirely.

Some other books that I loved, which may be relevant to you today;

• The Noonday Demon - An extremely thorough almanac on anxiety and depression, including scientific, medical, sociological, and psychological research & many interviews actual people. The author, Andrew Solomon, is an extremely skilled writer & personally suffers with depression. There's no other book that has made such a difference in my life.
  
  
• Steppenwolf - Herman Hesse's story which, at least from my impression, discourages a morose and fatalistic view on life. One that encourages being stupid, being human, being light-hearted, and letting go of what you've come to believe about yourself. If you do decide to listen to this audiobook, you HAVE to make it halfway through before quitting. The book doesn't even start until it's half way over, trust me.
  
  
• Flowers for Algernon - Basically about reflection & self-awareness, and gives some insight into bitterness based on (sometimes failed) assumptions about others. I think it made me a less critical person.
  
  > I'm sorry if this post seems very woe-is-me, first-world problem-esque, but I write this not only as a cry for help and advice from those have had similar experiences, but a battle cry for everyone who is still in this boat. I know I'm not the only one who would pray for abuse to turn physical just so people would finally understand it, and so it would finally be a criminal offense. If this gets any replies at all, I would appreciate knowing if there is anyone out there feels the constant pain of anxiety, resentment and self-loathing in their chest. I need your help.
  
  Stop apologizing for caring about yourself.
  
  And if it helps, I was physically abused to. It's nothing compared to the emotional abuse. I went to school with red marks around my neck form being choke-slammed, and that doesn't even come close to what the words did. Don't let anyone minimize what you went through.