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Howdy. Thanks for talking about it. It sound bad man, you seem to be really crying out and wanting to get into trouble one way or another. I entirely understand that, I'm not condemning it as much as just mirroring it back.

I saw you post this on another thread:

> i have "girl feelings" often, so i get you.

I'm pretty much that way. Let me share a bit about myself. Just to build some context on some advice. In fact, I consider myself way over-empathetic compared to "average" of current society. There are some recent studies that say Aspergers people (mostly males with extreme brains, this book is about Aspergers: http://www.amazon.com/Essential-Difference-Truth-about-Female/dp/0738208442 ) can have too much empathy. Genetics, environment, I don't know... but I'm a bit curious of this current emo trend in society.

It has really helped me in my relationships with people to be dramatic in content - not presentation - with my talking. To pull out legendary stories and say - yes, I'm not crazy, I'm just a bit extreme in my thinking. If you get good at it, most accept it. In many ways, this past 12 months has been a major social improvement in my life.

Prior to this, people liked to praise me as a computer genius, but they don't understand that my brain is this way - it isn't something I can choose to "turn off" in other areas of life. I have developed a rather unique and different way of looking at life. To carry books with me ( http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1843105373/ is a small on I carry ) in my laptop bag. I don't use it very often, but at times it helps to explain to people that there really are genetic issues that don't just go away. We manage them, we do our best.

From Wikipedia: "Compassion is a human emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering."

It might sound simplistic... but helping people, local homeless - people here. Has given me an outlet for my empathy! Instead of suppressing it, I drain it. And now I'm divorced and dating - looking for a partner in the crime of life - I am up front within the first few days as to my issues. Essentially, I'm a bit on the higher-maintenance scale. It's freedom now, I can be more myself, and actually get help from my friends instead of having to constantly try to conform / be something I'm not.

I share all this in hopes you can look at the parts of your own life and see if perhaps there is some way you can get your wife or a good friend to truly understand you have lifelong problems. that you don't react to stress like most do, it isn't fun - but it eats at you. some people thing stress is motivation, a "punish" and "whip" approach to motivation. For me, it's the opposite. I much prefer to be gently and repeatedly encouraged more like a child. I don't give a shit if people consider me a bit childish, it's real, you bring it up with my genetics or nature or god - but I'm sick of having so many people fix me.

> i imagine a Glock 9mm. the barrel forced past my tonsils as i supress the gag reflex and pull the trigger. "the cop method" of going out.

I've never had anything like this. That's far beyond what I feel. You really need to consider putting a big halt or change in your life... it's clear you are letting this image sear into your head. Time to eject.

We can keep talking, I'm not beyond even talking to your wife on the phone or what. Can we sort out a person in your life you can keep talking to daily on the phone or something? You need a buddy until you get past this. It can be people here on reddit, but ideally your wife is doing her best. it's clear you have a long-term problem, and people want quick fixes, but sometimes it isn't quick fixes. Somebody permanently in a wheelchair doesn't get "quick fixes", it's a lifestyle change. Do you think you are dealing with life-long issues here.... that need more than quick fixes?

The western man is supposed to be unique, all about individuality - but I find right now it's not really desired. Everyone just wants you to be a breadwinner, a quiet person (don't express your opinion unless it agrees with mine seems the current norm). Unless you are famous or really good looking or really cool - you don't compete with the people on TV, music, movies. I'm generalizing here, but these technologies are only 100 years old - and an iPod carrying around all this self-selected content does have a real impact on society and human to human interaction. How much, nobody can precisely measure, but I see it. I do a lot of travel (Austin, Chicago, New Orleans, Seattle, San Francisco all since September)

On this message (my response here), I know I'm all over the board a bit. Partly me today (I'm in a hurry, and a few things on my mind), but partly I'm trying to scatter your mind a bit with some new approaches to this - you gotta break this dead-end thinking you are on - and you know it.

Exercise is free, and it's tremendously helpful. I'm not an athletic person at all, but jogging does wonders for my mental state - it's quite remarkable, really.

Diet is hugely important too - there is more serotonin in your digestive tract than in your brain. Minimize the junk and processed food you're eating, get plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. Bananas do wonders for me. Avoid simple sugars, sodas, and sweets, sugar crashes crush your metabolism and bring your whole system down. Eat sensible portions of non-processed carbs with each meal (whole grain breads, potatoes, brown rice, pasta etc.). Carbs are necessary to the production of serotonin. You probably don't feel like cooking, but start out with a commitment to eat one good meal a day... breakfast is probably a good place to start.

Avoid booze and pot, they only make your mood worse. A beer is okay as a treat at the end of the day, but make sure you're enjoying it, not just guzzling it back for a little relief. That type of self-medication might seem helpful, but it is really really counter-productive. You need to go a week or two booze and drug free to really see the difference.

Spend $8 on the book, "feeling good" by David Burns. [amazon link][(http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278780335&sr=1-1)

It's a self help book for depression based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I've been depressed for 30 years, at my worst I tried to kill myself and was hospitalized for a month. CBT is the first thing I've tried that brought me lasting change and a huge improvement in quality of life. I guarantee this book will be helpful to you.

I also suggest you seek out a good Psychologist, or counsellor with an MSW, who specializes in CBT. They are not cheap, but you should be able to find someone who works on a sliding scale, and you will probably only need a few sessions to get some lasting relief and create some real positive change in the way your mind is working. I spend maybe $1500 - $2000 a year on head shrinking, and it's the best investment I make - the return in terms of quality of life more than pays that back. Most people spend more than that on auto maintenance in a year.

Feeling suicidal is a horrible thing to go through. It's good that you're talking about it, keep doing that. I would really encourage you to try to go through this drug-free, but you need to make that decision for yourself (in consultation with a good mental health pro). I've been on antidepressants twice in my life, for a few months each time... they helped in the sense that they got me to a stable mental space, but they are not a solution, and they bring along a host of new problems; to my way of thinking, they should be seen as an emergency band-aid. If you do go on antidepressants, plan to do so for only as long as is absolutely necessary, and keep in mind that when you get off them, you will still have some work to do on the source of your depression. If your healthcare provider pushes a prescription at you without at least discussing trying to go through this drug-free, I would find another doctor. I had a psychiatrist do that to me when I was around your age, and I believe it actually set me back a number of years. When you seek out a mental health provider, feel free to shop around, make sure you feel connected to the person you decide to go with, that there is trust there, and that you feel like they're earning your money (even if it's free).

Lastly, depression really attacks your sense of perspective, but try to keep in mind that you have been in happier states of mind and you will be again. Your current mental state, and your whole life situation, is amazingly temporary. At 21, you are on the very cusp of becoming yourself, and you are going to go through some amazing development over the next few years. Look back at how far you've come and how much you've changed in the last 5 years; you can expect a similarly profound change in the next 5. Forget about your career - you have so much time ahead of you for that... you might have 5 more careers by the time you're 35. Forget about attracting a girlfriend for the time being - work on yourself, put some effort into becoming a happier, more whole person, and the ladies will come to you, I promise. Forget about your fucked up teeth... you can save up a bit of dough and get those fixed some time down the road, but for now they don't matter. Just work on your state of mind. Happiness is totally attainable, and you deserve it.

Okay, I understand, so what you might want to do is contact your local Mental Health Association, and I'm more than positive that they'll be able to help you.

If you get no help from them, then you might want to try St. John's Wort in order to help with balancing the chemicals in your brain.

Keep trying the coping techniques that I've suggested, and also try other ones that you can, and if one works, then keep at it. You have to gain control of your mind. Yes, it's hard, but with a little success you'll slowly but surely achieve this.

I'm also going to suggest that you do some research on some local group therapy sessions, and that can be a huge help to you as well.

As you can see you do have lots of choices, and you are not alone. Work towards this goal: I don't want my past to affect me negatively in the present, and the future. I know you can do it, and it starts with you finding something funny to watch, or listen to, or read. Make it your mission to find something that will make you laugh everyday, and really concentrate on it, and you'll find that your mood will slowly, but surely elevate all by itself without meds.

Concentrate on your children as well, and watching them play will bring some joy into your life as well. As Dennis Leary said, "Kids are like drunken midgets."LOL Too funny!

Let's address your coursing, and I'm going to be starting university in about a week as well, and I've been using these memory techniques for years, and they will help you with your self-esteem, and of course your grades as well. Go to your local library, and get this book: Super Memory Super Student

You've tried unhappiness, you've tried sadness, you've tried anger, you've tried depression, so now you need to try happiness, so just take these small steps, and you're going to gain control of your mind, and your life.:-)

Well fuck. I wasn't thinking you had gone off and killed yourself, I was more thinking you had gone to bed. Damn!

Did you delete this thread? Odd.

I just went through and read a bunch of comments you made on other posts to get a sense of who you are. Here is what I've learned:

• You are a dude.
  
• You are short (5'5"?).
  
• You are young (I'm guessing as you are a student...20ish?).
  
• You want some lovin'.
  
  Okay, awesome. Now I feel like we're brothers or something. Speaking of brothers, my brother is 5'4"...he has you beat! Hell, I'm not exactly a giant at 5'8", but I'll take it. Here's something I've learned over the years...
  
  Everyone wants to be taller. Everyone!
  
  So I can't say that I feel bad for you there. We work with what we get, and it sounds like you're really focused on making yourself the best person possible despite your (perceived) lack of stature.
  
  My brother's solution? He joined the Air Force and got stationed in Tokyo where he is a friggin' giant. He's been married for like 25 years with two daughters etc etc. Pretty happy. He has simple needs. His wife is beautiful, I will say that. His oldest daughter is in her early 20s and has been in Maxim magazine to give you an idea.
  
  Meanwhile, relationships are tough...for everyone! Especially in the early 20s. No one is a fucking adult yet and people just aren't nice to other people at that age, at least when it comes to dating. Okay, maybe for all the 6-foot blondes with perfect skin, relationships are fun at that age, but fuck them. We hate those people. There's nothing more satisfying than beating them in the long run (evil chuckle).
  
  I realize this does not help and won't make you feel better, but you do know there's a silver lining, right?
  
  I've already suggested this to another person tonight with some relationship challenges, but hey, if the shoe fits...please trust me and read a book. This book changed my fucking life when it came to understanding the opposite sex. I'm not shitting you here. Biggest eye-opener I've ever read. When I pulled it off the shelf in Barnes and Noble years ago and showed the table of contents to my best friend, I said, "Holy shit! This covers everything!" And it does. Buy it, borrow it, whatever you have to do. It's called, "How to Succeed With Women" (oh look, I still had the Amazon page open from when I copied-and-pasted it earlier.)
  
  Okay, waaaay too long a comment I know. What do you think? I hope I'm not being a dick. Just trying to be a bro.

Don't compare yourself to other people. The race is long and in the end it's only with yourself. Other people are very successful, but they also don't have to deal with some of the things you're dealing with. That's not fair, but you're also not as bad off as some other people in the world; it's all about perspective. Don't let those men take advantage of you. Please respect yourself enough to realize that you deserve happiness; we all do.

Start with small things. You say you barely eat. This has a HUGE effect on your mood and how you feel. Just start by eating a little better each day, fruits and veggies and all that. Then maybe stop drinking a little less. Take little steps. Sure when you look at everything you should change, it's too much. So start small. Smoking has a huge effect on you. You're constantly living in withdrawal from one cigarette to the next. This book made it super easy for me to quit smoking. Maybe it will help you. If you can't afford it, download it. If you don't know how to download it, just PM me and I'll walk you through it.

Hang in there, try to make your life better for yourself. Small steps every day lead you to a better place.

Read like, the first page of each of these books.

http://www.amazon.com/Power-Elite-C-Wright-Mills/dp/0195133544/

http://www.amazon.com/Corporation-Pathological-Pursuit-Profit-Power/dp/0743247469/

http://www.amazon.com/Realm-Hungry-Ghosts-Encounters-Addiction/dp/155643880X/

http://www.amazon.com/Globalization-Addiction-Study-Poverty-Spirit/dp/0199588716/

Look at how many people voted in 2014.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/12/opinion/the-worst-voter-turnout-in-72-years.html?_r=0

http://bipartisanpolicy.org/library/2012-voter-turnout/

"Some 93 million eligible citizens did not vote."

http://www.nonprofitvote.org/documents/2013/09/america-goes-to-the-polls-2012-voter-participation-gaps-in-the-2012-presidential-election.pdf

Look at dem numbers.

You are the next generation. Great tv series, btw. You are part of the hope that casts a light upon the world.


https://openlibrary.org/

Also, sorry, skimmed through your post history to perhaps glean what ails you, but perhaps your anxiety/stress stemming from these surrounding issues are increasing the occurrence of a lack of proper airflow/air intake during sleep, and disrupting the process of healing that's supposed to occur during the night, leading to long-term damage to your heart?

Your parents love you for a reason, and you shouldn't feel that resources or money are even a factor in their considerations. They love you, period, and you'll have plenty of time to repay your family/society/whoever you want just through the act of living well.\

Also, there's a lot of technology coming around the corner where organ fabrication/replacement/etc. is going to be a very common/real thing, but that's not to say that you can't still work with your doctor to mitigate symptoms/risks for now.

Take care, friend. Life is a strange journey indeed, but it can be rewarding if you let it be.

Edit: I would say that it's a nice poem, but I cannot agree that the best way to get back at those you feel have slighted you is to cease one's own existence. That would be tantamount to a full surrender. You still have some fight left in you, don't you? Fighting back is the best way to give the bird to all the turds.

I'm sorry nobody visited you in the Hospital. Everyone deserves a visit in the hospital.

> Nothing in life has colors, for me everything is bland, black and white, everything bores me ... I really don't have any motive

It's the internet -- I cannot make a diagnosis, and I'm not a therapist -- but what you describe above matches my understanding of depression.

> I've always felt like I'm the third wheel in everything and they probably just include me out of courtsey.

Other people's response to you, and your interpretation of their response to you, are both heavily influenced by how you view yourself.

> I don't want to think about suicide because if I do, I'm afraid I might actually do it ... I want it to end somehow, I just don't want to be the one who causes it.

We can think and talk about suicide without actually doing it. Lookup suicide ideation. I've had suicide ideation for over 30 years.

Have some faith in yourself.

If your experience of life sucks, it's not unreasonable to seek an escape. Obviously suicide is one way to do that. But you haven't given up on life yet -- or you'd already be dead. Fortunately for you (and me), there are other solutions...

> I want to change my way of life,

At the age of 18, you're at the perfect age to start healing work. You have your teen years mostly behind you, and your 20's and 30's lie ahead. Any improvement you make now will last your lifetime, with compounding interest.

You have plenty of time to foster the types of relationships you seek -- you're just emerging from the gauntlet of childhood -- not entirely unscathed it would seem.

Since this is reddit and not (entirely) a support group, I'll end with some recommendations:

• you need someone to talk with -- a good listener. Not someone who's going to try and solve your problems for you. I strongly recommend a therapist you feel comfortable with; a real-life person is best, if possible. Just a few sessions to help you with a diagnosis would help. Also try on-line forums; don't be afraid to sign up to forums for survivors of trauma or child abuse. Poke your nose into different places and see if anything sticks to you. Healing work is healing work, independent of the instigating trauma.
  
  
• Read some psychology books. I recommend anything by Alice Miller like "The Drama of the Gifted Child", but really anything that piques your interest. You don't have to read them cover-to-cover -- I tend to scan them and read the bits that catch my interest. Your local library likely has a mountain of psychology and self-healing books. Don't take anything as gospel or truth (especially the pop-psyche books <shiver>); everything is a potential mirror to help you understand yourself more.
  
  
• I don't know if this will do anything for you, but... Imagine there's a mute person in your head, watching, listening to everything you say... and they control your emotions (ie: what you feel). You must call a truce and make peace with this person. "I hate myself" is better said as, "I hate my experience of life". "I am weak" becomes "I feel weak". These word games may not seem important, but it's important to validate and acknowledge your feelings, not just feel them and go "yuk, this sucks" and push them away.
  
  Self-healing cannot make you into Brad Pitt, but it can help you accept yourself and lead to a greater sense of contentment. And all the energy that goes into your self-hating can instead be directed to enjoying and improving your life.
  
  Best of luck.

I have a friend who was in your situation. He's not what one would consider classically attractive. He felt ugly and he carried himself in that manner. He dated only one girl in his 20s. One six month relationship and that's it. He attributed this to his looks.

On his 30th birthday he bought himself a book called The Game about the techniques of successful pick up artists. I know it sounds bad and you might not agree with everything they say, but I'll tell you this - within a year of reading this book, my friend was no longer the same person.
What the book taught him was the power of confidence and how confidence in the eyes of a woman will often supersede looks when it comes to attraction. With his added confidence he began to dress better and take care of himself.
Whereas before he was meek and invisible in social settings, today he stands out in a crowd and has absolutely no problem dating women.

I know I sound like I'm a book salesman but after seeing what happened to my friend who was in your situation, I just wanted to recommend it.

And even if you don't get the book, I hope you take away from this that confidence is everything.

The medical world can be a bitch. When a patient doesn't improve (or doesn't have a clear path to recovery, or doesn't have a diagnosis), the relationship between the patient and the doctor can deteriorate into what seems like a lack of empathy and understanding.

But you have to keep fighting. I had a severe chronic pain problem for 3 years (still do actually, but it's been getting much better) and never had a diagnosis. I remember feeling down, not having the strength to continue. I made the decision that whenever the condition gets worse, or I get another failed test result, I was just going to fight even harder. Don't lose strength! Do the opposite. It's tough, I can't even guarantee full success from it, but it's both rational and in your best interest. Bounce back.

Trying different doctors is important, but what's most important is finding good doctors. It's good to have some friends in the medical world who can refer doctors to you or give you some medical advice. There are many good books on dealing with doctors and the medical world. I got this one from my local library – it was pretty good, definitely worth the read.

Keep going! This isn't your fault! Never give up! Talk to your doctors, be honest, demand treatment, get answers! The relief is worth it.

>
I got the impression that she understands why I contacted him and doesn't hold it against me, but I think the damage is done - she knows now that if I think she's going to go through with it I'm not afraid to try and intervene from afar, and as I said, she would not agree to contact me before taking any drastic steps.

From where she stands, suicide is her ticket out of the pain. You getting her to stop it is like trying to take away her comfort. This is her perspective. So, that is the reason she lashed back. She probably would give anything to have someone to talk to. That is why it is important for you to gain the trust back. The damage is done, but not permanent. Try talking to her saying that you panicked and did whatever you did. I am pretty sure she will respond positively. Try to get her out of it till you get back. Once you are in town, you can personally talk it out. Until then just ask her not to do anything. Ask her to wait it out for the next few weeks.

>
I take it you don't think I should involve anyone else in this?

That is a tricky one. Getting people involved will be adding social and peer pressure on the girl. She might or might not like it. The effect of getting someone involved would entirely depend on the girl. If she did not like your room mate talking to her about it, she MIGHT prefer to be left alone. Again, I may be totally wrong here. But I know this is an important issue. So maybe with more inputs I can get a better picture.

>
The other roommate I mentioned has had a similarly troubled upbringing - an abusive mother and series of step-fathers, kicked out of his home at 16 before bouncing around until entering university where we met. He and A have known each other even longer than her and I have known each other, and I think he could be very helpful (I'm fairly sure that he has talked her through suicidal thoughts once in the past).

Having experience with this issue is definitely helpful. Is he comfortable with his past? If yes, he may be of great help. If he too is struggling then there are chances that he may be having trouble helping here.

>
I just don't know where the line is between keeping her confidence and trying to get her the help that she needs.

Right now it is very important to keep her confidence. You can always help her when you get back. As you are far away, it would be difficult to get the right kind of help. Not getting the right kind of help may do more harm than good.

>
This is the hardest part to puzzle out from my perspective. She has found her passion, cooking, and has been a chef for years (finishing her second year of culinary school right now). From the outside, she appears to have totally conquered all of the negative influences which she comes from... but this hasn't brought her peace of mind, and her past continues to haunt her. If there were obvious, solvable problems, I would have a much better idea of how to help, but she seems to have a handle on her problems yet gets nothing but anguish from her everyday life.

Her problems are caused by stuff that happened in her past. Trauma from her childhood is the reason she suffers today. It is the absence of a healthy childhood that needs to be addressed. This book may help!

The trouble with this is that we cannot go back in time and undo the hurt. That is why it seems so impossible to get over it. But it can be gotten over really well.

When a kid is growing up, the brain learns stuff and it sort of accepts to be universal truths. Once into adulthood, we subconsciously keep running off of those old threads. A happy healthy kid turns out into a happy healthy adult. A miserable kid turns out to be a miserable adult. The latter case might hold true for the girl. The way around this is to realize that you are not a product of your past, that each day is a new day.

Hope I helped. Please do PM me if you need to talk.
Thanks.

Yeah, sorry, I got that; "instantly" was a bad word choice.

As for how to tell them, I think "lying" is describing how you've been coping (or trying to) rather harshly. It's the nature of trauma that we disconnect from ourselves, and you have been disconnected from yourself, so of course how could you be connected with them? There are always "layers" of truth and if you haven't been able to share all the truth about yourself with anyone, that's not your fault, it's a mark of how messed up you've been. So I wouldn't say "I've been lying to you all these years" because I don't think it's true!

With the family, I might start with something like "I haven't been able to talk about what's been happening inside me until now..."

With your counsellor, it's absolutely normal, especially in cases where there's trauma in the background, for the extent of self-revelation to increase gradually. A good counsellor wouldn't expect you to disclose the most sensitive things until you feel ready and able to trust them. So s/he should be expecting more and deeper "stuff" to come out over time.

As for what could help you, there are different things, but I might as well start with what helped me. Mostly it was finding the right therapist, someone who I really felt always truly had my interest at heart. Sometimes I violently disagreed with her suggestions, but she honoured and accepted my disagreement. Although I have to admit she always turned out to be at least mostly (and usually dead-on) right in the end. She was a Jungian analyst, but ymmv, there's lots of classic research to suggest that the individual is more important than the methodology. It took me a few years to realise that it was actually trauma that I was dealing with, and then (with my analyst's blessing) I also got some EMDR, which was a very helpful adjunct.

Some books that also helped me:

Invisible Heroes by Belleruth Naparstek

Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine

The Myth of Sanity by Martha Stout. She also wrote a book called The Paranoia Switch which is specifically about recovering from the collective/social trauma of 9/11 but as I am not American I have never got around to reading that one. But I very much admire her work in general. Her book "The Sociopath Next Door" led me to discover the truth that I had, in fact, been raised by a sociopath. And, btw, I can tell you with great confidence that you aren't one.

The Inner World of Trauma by Donald Kalsched. Kalsched is a Jungian analyst and he references some Jungian psychological concepts so if you're not familiar it might have a bit of a learning curve.

Im 20, and about 2 weeks ago I was feeling the utter depths of depression. Not suicidal, but maybe having thoughts. I'd never do so, but its all the same to most people. Then, I decided to drive 800 miles to see my family. I needed it. My parents are wonderfully supportive, my teen sister is pretty great when she wants to be, and I have a baby sister that will need me at some point. My grandparents are loving too (even if my grandpa calls me "uglier-than-me" jokingly).

VISIT, but do so cautiously. She's probably already paranoid of any intervention. Make up some other excuse why you're visiting. Remind her that she matters, everything will be okay, and that you are always a call/drive/plane flight away. Also, while I visited, my dad gave me a book called Mind Over Mood. Its a cognitive behavior self-help workbook. I'm only 4 chapters in, but it is really making me realize that how I think is part of my depression.

Good luck, and dont be afraid to get her some help if needed.

To be fair, your life savings and college fund won't do you any good if you kill yourself. There are always other options to pay for college, and there are always things that can be worked out.

When I was going through a rough time, I went to the local crisis center. They set me up with a psychiatrist and therapist who I could visit for free for at least a few weeks, and then I could apply for aid to pay for future visits.

You say you NEED medication. Are you sure about that? A lot of people who are told they need medication show improvement with cognitive behavioral therapy, which helps teach them to think and react differently to how they're feeling and what is going on in their lives. Have you looked into anything like that? There are books in the library you could check out, like this one http://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioral-Workbook-Depression-Step/dp/1572244739 which could help you in the meantime. Medication can help, but so does taking responsibility for your feelings and thoughts and making an effort to try to control and change them into more positive, constructive feelings and thoughts.

Do you have any means of self-expression? Do you draw, write, paint, crochet, sing, play an instrument, or anything like that? Trying to channel some of these terrible feelings into something creative and interesting can also help you to feel better, and many of these things do not cost much, if anything, to do.

Thanks! Sure, you can meditate with other people. It can get very interesting, because you feel them at a deeper level. If they're someone who's a good person, they'll give you a good vibe. If not you might get a neutral or ick vibe from them. But definitely do it some alone too, so you have a good core practice. Don't get freaked out if you hear voices or random noises out of nowhere; some people get that when they meditate sometimes. Also, for depression, you might want to check out Feeling Good, it's a book that helped me a lot with my chronic depression. Also, if you can talk to a therapist that might be a big help and there are good medications out there that can temporarily lift your mood so you can see things more in perspective. Depression can distort your thinking so that you aren't seeing things as clearly as you seem to be. As far as the simple meditation goes, I would recommend getting quiet and sit comfortably and focus on your breathing. Count one for the in-breath and two for the out-breath, three for the next in-breath and so on. Do that until a count of one hundred. If you lose count, go back to the last number your remember for sure counting and continue, but keep the odd numbers on the in-breaths. If you do that over a long period of time you'll start to notice your breathing getting slower and slower, which indicates that your meditative trance is deepening. You'll experience blissful feelings sometimes. Good luck with the meditation and feel free to ask me anything!

I have been depressed/in remission/depressed ect. for most of my life (i was around 12 when it really started to disfunction my life , 25 now).

The most importent thing to realize is that if you don't get help from a profesional you/things are unlikely to get better , it might get better for a little bit or a little while when you decide to excercise/volunteer stuff like that , but apart from almost always being unable to do those things because/if you're depressed , you have to remember that depression doesn't come from poor "lifestyle"choices i.e not working out or not voluntering , so it's kind of silly to see those things as the answer to a problem but better to see them as tools that can help you get better faster.

Mostly i read that you also agree that you need help , you are scared that if you don't you will be(come) suicidal. And you rationalize this fear by looking at your (grand)parent(s) , your bio-dad got help and seems to be doing fine now.

Also , things/life chanches , nothing ever stays the same , but depression lies , and if it gets the chance it wil bring you down and make you suffer no matter how good or bad your life "technically" is , but if you can really commit to investing in yourself and getting the help you need , you will succed in viewing things and your life in a better , healthier and happier perspective.

There are ways , i'm not american so i'm unable to know how difficult/expensive it is to get help , but i've heard very good things about online therapy wich is a. cheap(er) and b. within reach even if you are so depressed your lying in your bed paralized.

Also ik really recommend this book

And this video

I really hope that you'll be able to take some steps to help yourself, or at least to figure out what help you need and how you can get it!

Internethugs

True about your dad. The only reason I ever got in contact with him was because he originally wrote me. I tried contacting his mom after I knew he was already dead but she didn't reply to me. I've also been rejected by a few half brothers.

Sorry about the hospital issue. That sounds so scary! My daughter was in the hospital for 11 days a few years ago after 10 days of a 104+ fever. They kept telling me "it's just a virus". Then they thought Kawasaki Disease and it turned out to be something called CMV that was a virus but it causes big issues for people who are immune suppressed. It's tough for me to be so strong for her sometimes but her and her baby brother are why I wake up each morning and keep trudging along.

That's interesting we both have the issue with people breaking law or not following rules. Im very very very particular about all of that too. In fact my boyfriend is a cop lol. I wonder what it is about our past that triggers that kind of a reaction.

There's a really good book I found years ago called ["Getting the Love You Want"](https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Fs7avb1PR7X2E
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0805087001/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_Fs7avb1PR7X2E) and it talks about how the relationships you choose are based off of what was lacking in your childhood. In some ways you subconsciously pick someone similar to your parent or whoever and try to recreate and fix what went wrong back then. I can definitely see it with some of my relationships. Maybe you could get a copy and read through it and see if it could help you?

You have almost two days. Considering the gravity of what you are considering you owe it yourself to seriously pursue alternative options and advice. Try reading the book "Feeling Good". Fuck, I will find a way to buy you a kindle version if necessary, but just read the first 3 chapters, and more preferably the first 4. It could definitely give you a new perspective and really, really help. They will have it at any Barnes and Nobles etc. in the self help section.

Please, just try it.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1311837464&sr=8-1

Try some light reading.

This book changed my life for the better. Hope it helps. It's not expensive, and you can feel the improvement very quickly. What's to lose?

It sounds like you have to choose between multiple bad choices and find the one that sucks the least. Pretending to be unhappy < doing something about it. Maybe it would be best to hide it from your family but it sounds like maybe you can't afford it then. You could try this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Therapy-Revised-Updated/dp/0380810336

It's based on a type of therapy that some shrinks use. It's really cheap. You could rip off the cover and hide it like porn. :)

A quick few thoughts.

You seem to at least now to be able to have an objective view about the situation, to me that is very positive!

Does your school provide counseling? I would assume they did and if they do they could probably point you forward in your area. Maybe you could frame your conversation with your mom in such a fashion that it doesn't alarm her too much? A white lie about school stress perhaps.

There are a few out of office things you can do that have proven results. Exercise and meditation come to mind, its all a big interacting contraption.

Keep talking to us about it, I do hope you find at least some therapy option. There are some workbooks available, and perhaps a communiy center has some options.

I found that reading up on the chakras greatly helped me. It helped to understand my feelings/thoughts. I recommend this book below, its not free, but I found it very useful to me. Also, this link

I didn't read your post like you said, so here's some generic advice: trip on psychedelic drugs. Travel; go to another country to teach English. Read one of these books:

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1334474951&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Self-Discipline-10-days-Thinking-Doing/dp/1880115107/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1334474991&sr=1-1

I suffer from anxiety that was fairly crippling at times and I went to therapy for a year. I started taking cipralex about 3 years ago. It DOES get better, even if it takes a little while to get there. My psychiatrist recommended that I pick up Mind Over Mood, a book that deals with changing the way you think. It changed my life; I'd recommend it if you're able to pick a copy up somewhere if you need something to hold you over until your appointment.

Of course! :)

For a general overview, you can visit UMichigan's website, or any of the brief overviews listed here (of course, you can also visit /r/depression). Wikipedia also has a nice overview.

I personally don't really like memoirs on depression, but there have been many written, and people seem to like them. Two of the most famous are written by William Styron (Darkness Visible) and Andrew Solomon (Noonday Demon). I tried to read these books, but they don't really appeal to me. I thought I should mention them, though, because many people love them, finding comfort in their writing.

CBT approaches to depression can be found in this book or perhaps this book.

For an attempt at providing a direct picture of what depression is, see this work.

Psychologists are also considering reclassifying melancholia as separate from depression (melancholia being a recurrent/long-term depression, often (near-)catatonic). For an in-depth analysis of melancholia, see this work.

Individual humans (and, arguably, other species) have been suffering from depression for millenia. Depression, likewise, has been studied for centuries upon centuries, within different cultures, under many different names. There are, thus, many different approaches to understanding and coping with depression. Even today, within a single culture, you will find many differing definitions and approaches to depression. The best approach to depression is whatever is the best for you. For some individuals, mindfullness is a helpful approach. For others, exercise. For others, love. For others, medication. For others, a "project", or set of goals. For others, therapy (of which, there are many different approaches). For other still, a combination of one or more of these approaches. And, finally, for some, depression can be overcome simply (or rather, difficultly) through the passage of time and the gathering of experience.

I can tell you that I've read quite a bit on depression over the years, and there are many good books on it, but I still feel that it can only truly be understood by those who have suffered from it. Even so, each individual's experience with depression is unique, and so not all depressed persons see things in the same way. Thus, if you're reading someone's thoughts on depression, and their view rubs you the wrong way, don't let it get to you. They have their own view (as this article points out, even psychologists cannot agree on a single view of "what depression is"). You yourself are entitled to your own view and your own coping mechanisms. Having said that, it can never hurt to read the works of others, to talk with them, and to listen to what they have to say.