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Top comments mentioning products on r/SurvivingMyInfidelity:

u/jkgibson1125 · 1 pointr/SurvivingMyInfidelity

It really depends on when you dday was. Early in affair recovery the betrayed is really on an emotional rollercoaster and their brains are in emotional whiplash.

As for your identity. I would ask you to look at it like how Alcoholics in recovery see themselves. They are still alcoholics, they still call themselves that, but they are working on becoming better. The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.

I am a wayward. I can't erase the past of what I have done. At the same time It will still color things in my relationship because it is something that will never be forgotten.

I would suggest that you take a look at How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda McDonald. This gives a solid list of attitudes and actions that show your husband that you are working on making the relationship safe and secure.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

here are her 15 points:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and Internal (Spiritual) growth

Even if your marriage ends, many of these points can be relevant in future relationships because they help the future relationship feel safe and secure.

The next book I recommend is Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

This book is a deep dive into how affairs start, and how they progress and how to heal from them. It talks about building strong interpersonal boundaries in outside relationships. It helped me recognize others who have terrible boundaries and gave me the tools on how to interact with them.

An example of this was a year after dday I was able to find a new job and started working there. The office manager was a nice girl but she had really bad interpersonal boundaries. She would text me about problems in her relationship, and talk to me about her boyfriend. I learned that I couldn't save her or counsel her. I learned phrases that would would be empathetic with her while at the same time, not playing in the realm of bad boundaries.

Example:

My boyfriend did this, and this, and this, and it's hard because I have so much to do.

My answer: I am so sorry you are going through this. Have. you considered talking to a professional counselor about your relationship issues? It might be helpful.

This allows me to respond, but then tells her that I am not going to try to solve her problem or remove the boundaries that I have around me.

In the past, I tried to fix people. I would emote with them. I would engage in what Dr. Glass calls "Positive Mirroring" where I would parrot back to her what they were saying to me.

Grieving is hard, and it is NOT linear. You will go back and forth through the stages of it. Supporting your husband is working with him, being a safe partner, even if the marriage is going to end. It will show him that you aren't trying to force reconciliation by changing, but changing for yourself.

Finally I would suggest finding a good IC who can help you deal with the grief, but also at the same time can work with you on strengthening your boundaries so that you are able to better deal with outside relationships so that you are able to interact without hooking into an emotional level with the other person. At the same time, I would ask that you work on what I term the "Deep Whys" which are the things inside ourselves that we were trying to fill with the outside relationships. For me they go back to my past and my family of origin. While my FOO helped make me what I am today, I had to accept that they didn't make have affairs. I am responsible for the choices I made which lead to them and for that I take all the blame for my affairs.

Hang in there.

u/Thegrlnxtdoor · 6 pointsr/SurvivingMyInfidelity

BSO of a sex addict here.

Have you seek therapy with a CSAT? Are you going to SAA meetings or similar support / recovery groups?

If so, your wife should strongly be encouraged to join similar support/ recovery groups meant for partners (she is NOT alone in dealing with a sex addict partner).

There is also literature to help you both, which was recommended to us by my SA SO's CSAT -

For you: Facing the Shadow

For her - Mending a Shattered Heart and Moving Beyond Betrayal

Now, my Dday was much more recent (7/7) and there have been several instances of trickle truth, slips, and even a relapse that all have reset the clock back to square one - and dare I say, WORSE than square one, actually. Now it feels that the 4 months long EA/PA (which, still no excuse, I 'understood' the circumstances) is small potatoes compared to what we are facing now.

I love my WSO... I mean, I love the man he "was" prior to Dday. And, of course, that wonderful man is (should be) still a part of him. Although my memories are now tarnished, I have no doubt that all the love, support, and care he demonstrated throughout since the beginning of our relationship was genuine. But there's now this whole other side that his addiction was taking control over.

But at this moment, I do not have any trust in him. I see him trying, I see him wanting to no longer have loss of control over that part of him. But it won't be an overnight change. In the meantime, like your wife, I feel compelled to spying, snooping, tracking, monitoring, etc. but it is driving me crazy and isn't healthy. We are in MC and he is in IC (CSAT) but I have yet to start my own IC.
I feel lost. I feel at a standstill. We get along well in ordinary tasks/day to day commonalities, but my heart is shattered and I flip flop between being so hopeful and feeling love and pride for him, for tackling this issue of his -and being angry and spiteful, giving the cold shoulder when triggered, waking him up in the middle of the night to 'ambush' him with details of previous infractions (NOT the kind of person I've ever been).

Bottom line is - you BOTH need to seek professional help, individually AND together if you want the slightest shot at reconciliation. Your relationship will never be as it was prior to Dday. But it doesn't mean that a new one cannot be built.

You need, day in and day out, to go the extra mile to reassure her, to show through your actions that you are taking steps to not fall back into your addict's behavior. You need to be transparent and even take your own actions to earn her trust back - don't wait for her to ask you to do something to prove you are being truthful/ trustworthy. You have to SHOW her that you are - It's not for her to have to look into if you are.

u/[deleted] · 2 pointsr/SurvivingMyInfidelity

We haven't reconciled, while we are still married for the moment she has been actively taking steps for divorce. I do want to reconcile but I need to be able to prove to her that I'm making headway with addressing my addiction. I'm unfortunately at a disadvantage because of so many lies I've said in the past. It's tough because it's so easy to relapse into the same state as before and you as the BS need to be alert for that. I do recommend watching a series from Emerson Eggerich called love and respect which has helped us in the past and worth repeat watching every so often.

Love and Respect Live Marriage Conference DVD - 10 Session Study - Now in HD https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N6QVTN4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_eC12Bb91NSP1G

u/TheBraveChoice · 7 pointsr/SurvivingMyInfidelity

Read this book:

Attached

Most people who engage in affairs have an “avoidant” attachment type and are with someone who has a “secure” or “anxious” attachment type.

My wife is avoidant, I am anxious. She minimizes her feelings and rationalizes her choices in order to avoid having difficult conversations about her emotions.

This led her to connect emotionally with someone else when she found it easier than discussing difficult issues with me directly. This emotional connection made her more receptive to his attention than she may have been otherwise.

Understanding how she became vulnerable has helped us understand how to avoid the situation recurring in the future.

I wish you peace.