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Climaxing is as much mental as it is physical. If you're head isn't in the right spot, like you're nervous, not in the moment, uncomfortable, worried you're gonna fart, concerned you sound dumb or are making stupid faces, etc... you're not gonna climax.


My matronly advice is first, don't expect your BF to give you your first orgasm. Table that dude. Sex partners have all kinds of different approaches to sex. It's not that some are just better than others... some just may have techniques that flip your switches better. Fortunately for the ones that don't, they can be trained... but you can't train them until you learn your own sexual responses first.


So my first suggestion is going to be about masturbation.


You haven't said if you've been able to climax on your own, and from your language I'm gonna wager that's a no. You don't say if you masturbate either. What you do say though is you're kinda afraid of your own sexual response. Which is ok. We can get you through this!


Let's talk about toys. What I would recommend for solo play are ones that aren't necessarily penetrative that focus on the clitoris. With toys I have personally found price ~kinda~ matters. If you're going to the sex store and buying them cheapo 10 dollar vibrators that look like something that came out of a barbie playhouse, well those don't personally cut for me. I'd suggest something like The Magic Wand, or other similar types of personal massagers. Go for the one with the cord, they are more powerful. I was a late bloomer myself, a friend gifted me a wahl like this one which helped me learn how to orgasm. I put a wash cloth between me and it (because these aren't... designed for contact with moisture, plus it's intense), put it where it felt good and relaxed and... boom, the body kinda took over.


Let's talk about clitoral anatomy. Most of it is on the inside as you can see in the diagram, and it hugs the vagina walls. We have erectile tissue just like boys do, and just like boys we need to have blood flow to that area and have all of that stimulated for us to be able to arrive (there are some people that say they can orgasm while flaccid... those people are special snowflakes and aren't most people). This is why it can take some time to get to the point of climax, especially with another person. There's also a variation of anatomy from lady to lady. Just like men can have different sizes and shapes to their peni, women can have different positioning and interior anatomy layout. Speaking personally, some angles with some guys just don't work as well. This has nothing to do with size really, more about angle. The G-spot is really stimulation of the clitoral tissue from the inside (like when you finger a dude's butt and stimulate the prostate). This is why most women do not orgasm from penetrative sex. This is also why I'm suggesting you experiment more with toys that stimulate the clitoral area of your vulva. It's very common for inexperienced people to think women can get off being jackhammered with a penetrative object. It's not that the experience is necessarily unpleasant, it's just most women don't get off that way on it's own.


I would also suggest kegel exercises. When you are aroused you may feel a pulsing sensation in your nethers. Thems your kegels going 'oh GOODDY WES GONNA GET SOME DICK'. You can flex them on purpose, and when you're aroused it can be quite stimulating. So, try this. While using a vibrator toy on your clitoral region, or whatever toy feels good... there aren't any rules here... flex your kegels. If it helps, do it along with your breathing. Breathe in, hold, breathe out, release. Breathe slowly, a way to make sure you're doing that is as you breathe in, count from one to 3 (one one thousand... two one thousand, like that) Hold, then as you exhale count backwards. Breathing slowly will help you relax, and the counting will stop your brain from overthinking. Do that, and let your body feel whatever it feels.


And if you feel the need to cry out, cry out. Moaning and being loud helps with arousal. May be best to make sure nobody else is home. :)


Once you get comfortable by yourself, then you bring the boyfriend back in. If you find yourself freezing, then slow down. Try masturbating together, and don't worry about having an orgasm, just have a good time.


Our brains are the most powerful sex organ we have, and we can most definitely over-think to the point of preventing climax. Men have the same issue. If you ever have a boy who seems nervous or has erectile problems, take it easy, let him know it's ok, and take the pressure off of him. Tell him you two can just make out and have fun together, and if he wants to have sex that's fine but you just want to be with him and if you don't have penetrative sex that's ok too. When we put pressure on ourselves to perform it can cause real problems sexually, especially when we haven't had those experiences with them before. I hope your dude isn't putting pressure on you to have your first orgasm with him. If he is... well you can tell him to stop being an weenis, or you can just do your own thing and when you do arrive with him for the first time he can feel like a man or whatever and it'll be your own secret.


This is about you and your relationship to your body. One thing I have learned as I've gotten older (and read about from others) is the older you age, the easier it gets. So, don't worry. Relax, enjoy the experiences you have, and experiment with what feels good. I'm confident you'll be fine.


Good Luck

As the person with the Eroscillator that is not Epiphora's, I have to say that if I bought one once I have returned the one that I have on loan, I would shell out the extra cash for the Top Deluxe. Or I might not even buy one.

To be honest, I mean... I like the Eroscillator okay, and I orgasm well enough with it, but I think it was overhyped. And it pains me to say that. As someone who lusted after the Eroscillator since 2011 (think about your reaction when you read that review four hours ago - that was me until the summer of 2013) it is a bitter pill to swallow: the idea that maybe the Eroscillator isn't for me. The only reason I would bother reviewing it is to tell everyone that it isn't one-size-fits-all.

It's good enough. The orgasms feel pretty good, I can come pretty quickly. I have read Epiphora's comparison post, but have not used the Top Deluxe so I don't know how much better it feels in practice. Are those orgasms really worth $200? I don't know. I've dropped $100 on sex toys before, but that extra $100 makes a big difference to my wallet. So, if $200 is chump change to you, you should definitely try an Eroscillator. You will probably like it and if you've got that money to spare you might not feel bad if the Eroscillator doesn't blow your mind.

If you can't shell out for an Eroscillator but can afford something in the $100 range, I offer another option: The Iroha vibes!

I tried all of the first three Tenga Iroha releases - the Midori, Sakura, and Yuki. My favorite is Midori. I would pay $100 for it again. It is quiet, rechargeable, the packaging and product design are both really lovely. The material feels amazing and doesn't attract dust or hair, which is great in my old, dusty house with two cats. It charges in a high-quality, clear-lidded plastic case on a black base, and it gets me off very well. I like Midori the best because I find that the shape nestles between my labia well, so it hits just the right spot. I can provide some other input about the Sakura and Yuki too, if you'd like.

My most recent acquisitions for reviewing were from OhMiBod's new LoveLife line... the Adventure is a triple-stimulator that has a buttload of horsepower under the hood. Seriously, I was SO surprised. Unfortunately, the part that's supposed to reach my clit doesn't, so that's disappointing. I don't know how it would work for your anatomy. I just used another toy for that while I used the Adventure for insertion, but it's pretty good on the clitoris as well.

The LoveLife Dream isn't a rabbit, but it is an insertable vibrator and I actually use it more often than the Adventure or the Smile (the Smile is tiny and buzzy and external only. It's not the worst toy in my extensive collection but it's not something I'd drop $60.00 on if I had to pay for it, because on a regular basis I prefer something with more vroom). The Dream has a decent amount of power so I use it externally more often than internally, but that's a preference thing. If you use it internally then shape-wise it's nothing to write home about.

I also like the Hitachi Magic Wand, and that's in the $50 range. It's being sold as the "The Original Magic Wand" now. It's not great if you need direct pinpoint stimulation. If you need that and your labia are in the way of your clitoris, then you probably won't like the Hitachi.
But the Hitachi also has cool attachments that provide other stimulation - there are a multitude of them, at least three meant to provide G-spot stimulation (I haven't tried any of the ones by Vixen but I hear that the Gee Whiz attachments are great). I have the Wand Essentials Flutter Attachment, which was initially my preferred way to use the Hitachi. Then I've got the curved insertion attachment, which I... really just never use. I mean, seriously, I've had it over a year and a half, and haven't used it once. I have a metric fuckton of dildos and if I'm using my vibrator... it's to vibrate.

And then there's the Wahl... my first really good vibrator and one I still use on the regular even though it was only like $15 on Amazon. It's pretty awesome - two speeds, "Uunnggghhh" buzzy (but not overly so) and "HOLY FUCK" rumbly. It's not pretty, but neither is the Eroscillator, and for $15 I don't care much about how it looks.

With those recommendations in place, while some of them can do pinpoint stimulation, none of them are SUPER pinpointed... the Leaf Life and LELO Mia 2 are good for pinpoint stimulation, but that's not really what gets me off, and the Life is kind of buzzy for me.

As far as where you shouldn't spend your money, I wouldn't bother with anything Picobong, LELO's "economy" line. I tried the Kiki and it was a fucking joke. Also, they said "c-spot" instead of clitoris. Marketing decisions like that legitimately irk me. It's not cute. My vulva? Not a dalmatian. Call the clitoris what it is and don't be coy, Picobong.

I hope some of this helps. :) Let me know if you want some insertable recommendations. I have... opinions.

I highly recommend the book Healing Sex. I've read a lot of sexual assault/abuse survivor self-help books, but this is the only one that ever made me go "oh. fuck. that's exactly what I experience".

It's been just under two years since I got out of a horrible abusive relationship (as if there's any other kind). Your description of having sensations that vanish with proximity to your vagina sounds a lot like what I experience. I don't want to bullshit you and say everything is perfect now, but it is sooooooo much better. Two years ago, I basically never actually felt what was going on with my genitals. I could orgasm, but if I tried to pay attention to the physical sensations I came up with nothing. It was like answering the phone and there being silence on the other end.

>[B]uilding your tolerance for being in your body and experiencing physical pleasure is a central component of this healing. This is an intentional practice, especially in the beginning...
>—Staci Haines, Healing Sex

It turns out that what I was experiencing is called dissociation. My concept of dissociation had been limited to the extreme examples in the DSM, such as dissociative fugue. Because I'd never wandered off and forgotten my name, I didn't think of dissociation as consistent with my experience. In actuality, dissociation encompasses a huge range of experiences; persistent feelings of disconnection from one's body is one of them. (Lots of time at the library going "fuuuuuck... that's not normal???" has revealed that even more of my experiences than that are dissociative, but that would be a lengthy tangent. Anyone reading this, please PM if you want to talk further about dissociation!)

Using several of the techniques and exercises in Healing Sex, I started to be able to feel more sensation. Honestly, at first, this was terrifying as fuck. I dived in sort of all at once, and ended up having a severe flashback. After that, I slowed down and I also talked with my partner about what I had been discovering and what I strategies I was trying. As I had rudely learned the first time I tried it, actually feeling things in this traumatized area of my body was overwhelming (spoiler alert: that explains why I'd been unconsciously blocking it out for years). It took about six months to get to a place where I could consistently feel full genital sensations without getting flashbacks.

What I had the most difficulty with was continuing to tolerate sensations after I had finished the activities that caused them. Everything would feel amazing during sex, but when I would start to "come down" the lingering tingly sensations would turn menacing and trigger a flashback, which was especially hard to deal with while my brain wasn't quite clear yet. It was often really helpful to have my partner place their hand over my vulva and hold firm and still (because that kind of pressure was a familiar and nonthreatening feeling); we would stay cuddling like this until all of the other sensations had passed. Verbally describing the sensations also helped. And the simple reassurance that everything was safe was important.

Now, the post-orgasm high is my favorite part of sex. Of course I love the orgasms (and they've gotten better and better too!), but the sustained whole-body tingling and brain fogginess afterwards are utter bliss. I still usually need reassurance that I'm safe, but it is consistently completely effective. When I feel slivers of panic creeping in, I'll ask, "Are you sure it's safe?" or, "I'm so tingly. That's good, right?" and their confirmation is enough to let me sink back into making little happy noises. They usually offer proactive reassurances as well.

In the last year, I haven't had a single post-sex flashback. AND Feeling my entire body during sex is the norm. The journey has been hard, and during the six months of frequent flashbacks I often felt like I was losing ground, but it has been so worth it. Words couldn't do justice to how wonderful sex is now. I can have mind-blowing pleasure any time I want. Because, I almost forgot to mention, masturbating also feels fucking incredible. I used to be a maybe-once-a-month masturbator, and I usually ended up feeling like it had been a waste of effort anyway. Now I masturbate daily. I would go at it more than once a day, but the brain floatiness makes me useless for anything else, so I mostly stick to just evenings. ;)

I hope my story has served as some encouragement. Please feel free to contact me if you have any desire to. I'm wishing you all the best, and I believe in you. <3

To end with another quote from Staci,
>Your own sexual energy is not too big for you now.

Other people have already said some of these things, but I'm going to write my whole opinion all in one place.

First, you are brave for reaching out! If you aren't into sex or sexy things, talking about it can be incredibly awkward. Being willing to ask is an awesome first step. One that note, if you are bookish, try buying some cheap books off of amazon that talk about this stuff. I know I always like learning from books. I think I read The Guide to Getting it On while I was in college and found it very useful.

Second, like some people have said, take some time to get to know your body naked. Run you hands across your boobs, down your sides, and along your sides. Also, get to know your vulva/vagina. It might help to grab a mirror and just see what's down there. (I'm totally serious.) If you don't shave or trim, consider cutting some of your hair off so you can get a better look. And make sure it's clean. Then try gently stroking your lips, hood, clitoris to see what feels good.

Third, buy yourself a vibrator. I would recommend something like the Silver Bullet because it's cheap and is clit focused (you probably don't need one meant for penetration yet, but to each her own.) Once again, just play around with it and see what feels good.

Good luck! Have fun! Be self-indulgent, this is all about finding what about you feels good to you.

It's mostly your husbands fault. Mostly because you shouldn't expect a woman to work like "Hey, let's have sex!". As your example demonstrates it works some times. Only some times.

Seems like you have no communication problem, because as you write:

> 2) Say yes. Husband is excited. If I'm able to get into the mood, everything goes well. If I'm not, I'm stuck in the awkward position of either derailing the train and saying that I'm not up for sex after all (Husband is sad), or powering through sex that I'm not enjoying (Wife is sad).

But this "powering through sex" is pretty avoidable. It will ruin your relationship. You will feel like an object, he will first get disappointed because he can't pleasure you, then he might not give a damn about your pleasure and label it as your fault. So giving him a hand job is still better than "powering through". But it is still for the short term.

You should look for educational videos first. Don't go for "How to make her have the biggest orgasm of her life and pass out" kinda things. Look for something about how to turn a woman on. Like "
Nina Hartley's Guide To Making Love To Women
" Or even better, visit this website where people ask for any advice.

Look for amateur porn. I mean amateur, where the picture isn't professional, and the couple doesn't do it for a living like a fake cam couple. You're a woman, so you're the best to judge whether the woman in the video is having fun, or wants him to believe that she's having fun. Few good amateur ones:

• Some neck play
  
  
• Couple having a little morning sex
  
  
• Some czech amateurs
  
  There are also some female oriented professional ones where the women is built up and pleased:
  
  
• Dane Jones
  
  
• Or a pornstar doing her own BF
  
  
• Couples doing porn together (e.g. Miela/Marry Queen and her BF)
  
  
• Some actors can have good chemistry with the actress (e.g. George Uhl)
  
  
• Some FemaleAgent videos. Like this one with Gina Devine
  
  Or if you have more time read a book.
  
  Anyway, you have to find out what feels good for you. Then you can teach him what you like. From your description it seems like he isn't the adventurous type.

Try using some organic coconut oil for lube. It melts at body temperature and actually prevents vaginal infections. Just don't use it with condoms!! And ALWAYS pee after sex to flush out any bacteria or irritants that may have crawled up your urethra. As far as the orgasm goes, it sounds like you are having them, just may not be meeting your expectations. In my experience, my clit "pulses" when I'm cumming, and my vagine sort of contracts in rhythm, I get a warm tingly sensation in my lower parts and my legs shake a little. I wouldn't describe it as "earth-shattering," but it definitely feels more than just "pleasant." I'm not sure if this is up your alley, but marijuana for sure helps me relax enough to let it go and let it goo, so maybe try taking a few puffs 30 min before the games begin. Super nice of your partner to get you a vibe, but if I may suggest, when you move, do yourself a favor and get a magic wand. I bought one for myself when I moved out of my mother's house and it is a miracle from heaven above.

You might check out The Gift of Sex. It's written by a husband and wife couple who both came from pretty repressive backgrounds...I remember laughing pretty hard when they talk about that being their big rebellion when they got married, that they were going to try EVERYTHING. Sounds like a good one to me!

They are a clinical therapist and nurse respectively, and have a couple of chapters that specifically address some of your issues. The problems of growing up with a view of it being dirty, and some practical steps to become more comfortable with your own body. They also have a chapter or two devoted to women who are non orgasmic. It might be a good read for you regardless of what your faith upbringing was, it can be helpful hearing from people who have sympathetic experiences.

I have inverted nipples and used to feel extremely self conscious until my late 20s about them.

I have tried the Avent nipplettes and manual breastpumps, but what I have found works the best are these:http://www.amazon.com/Back-20s%C2%AE-Nipple-Enlargement-Enhancer/dp/B00LQZ06G6/ref=pd_sim_sbs_hpc_3?ie=UTF8&refRID=07DYE849C07NWHD145BG

The thing with all of these products is that you have to wear them for extended periods of time every day to basically train your nipples. I have noticed a change in how easily mine come out after using these a few hrs a day compared to when i forget for a few weeks. Good luck and hope this helps!

Regarding vibes that plug in to the wall, particularly stronger ones like the Hitachi Magic Wand; do yourself a favor and buy a lamp dimmer switch with it. This minor modification will turn your vibe into an infinitely adjustable one, so you can fine-tune exactly how strong you want the sensation to be, and even adjust it throughout your session if you like the intensity to increase as you approach orgasm or decrease between multiple orgasms, e.g.

I know it's a bit over $40, and I'm a dude (fyi) but I've heard a lot of good things from the ladies on this one.

As /u/LadyOfCastamere (awesome reference, by the way!) said, $40 is probably your lower limit. I prefer to keep recommendations to things I feel confidant someone will like, hence the above. Good luck, though!

*Edit: Forgot a . Also fixed link because I realized the one I linked was a knock-off.

Read The Purity Myth. Purity is imaginary, virginity has no concrete definition (some people think only penis-in-vagina counts, so lesbians are virgins forever. Some people think hand jobs count, so you may not be a virgin by their standards). You're not a virgin, you're a person. Some people have had sex, you can be one of those people.

I had sex for the first time and loved it. Someone else had sex for the first time with a long-term boyfriend, hated it (she was really small and it hurt a lot), but eventually started liking it. Another friend had sex for the first time with someone she'd only known a little while to "get it out of the way." None of us regret it, because it was just another thing we did. I feel like you can only regret having sex as much as you could regret eating too much pie or buying a yellow cat instead of a brown cat. It's just another decision you make in life. If you really want to have sex, and so does your partner (and if you're safe about it!) then it's a good decision.

I want to recommend a book to you. It's called "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. (which you can buy on Amazon for like $12).

I read this book last year and it's been hugely beneficial to me in discovering/exploring my sexuality. The author is incredibly knowledgeable and has the science to back it up.

Specifically, there's a part in this book that I thought of when I read your post. The author talks in depth about how women and men have different means of arousal. For a man, the idea of sex is enough to turn him on. Women, however, require a little more. Simply thinking about having sex isn't enough to get them totally prepared/in the mood. Instead, women have more of a "responsive desire" where there needs to be some foreplay for them to respond to, then the desire is there.

I'm probably doing a terrible job summarizing the key points she hits but I seriously can't recommend this book enough to you. Here's an interview she did with NPR. If you find it interesting then I think her book would be enormously helpful.

I thought I knew a lot about sex, then I read Come As You Are and realized I had a whole lot to learn. Ignore the self-help title, it's solid and well-sourced shit that I found really useful.

I also had a lot of difficulty coming using my hands. I've been more or less completely reliant on vibrators to orgasm. Then I read this article about how to teach yourself to masturbate, and tried it. It's only been a few weeks and I am already a lot more confident about my ability to get myself off. It's great.

My wife prefers it when we use this with the Hitachai:

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0000BYEF6/ref=wms_ohs_product?ie=UTF8&psc=1

She builds with the switch at the lowest setting then ramps up, backing off then working her way back up when she feels ready. Much better then just two settings.

This book could be really helpful for you: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Whoops, Emily Nagoski. Amazon link