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> i hope that your tinder match comes through. she sounds like a satisfying time in many ways

We talked for a half hour on the phone tonight. We kind of let our hair down, each behaving with a bit of abandon, not fearing the other's inner criticism. Amazingly she cursed a lot, but in a dignified fashion somehow. I'm still unsure what she thinks of me, but I think it was good that neither of us was on pins and needles. A good sign; a basis of trust.

> you & i are likely in same age bracket, 40s?

I'm in my 50s but look 5-10 years younger. I listen to metal and post-rock and live in Bushwick, the so-called Brooklyn "cutting edge slacker hipster art world center" haha (though they think I'm an oldster and call me sir, which I hate). But OTOH, I don't really "belong" in the social milieus where most of my high school and college peers ended up (variously, country clubs, gated communities, upper echelon urban professional circles, farms in the middle of the nowhere). But in any case, you and I do seem similar in outlook.

>My mentality is likely different from other women my/our age. once i divorce, i won't eagerly seek an 'ultimate partner' (already found it, but alas, unavailable). is there such a thing?

I think that's smart. I could discuss the query "is there such a thing?" for hours—but not here, not now. It's something I've thought a great deal about, starting around 1977.

>the secrecy is difficult for me, too, though SO and I practice polyamory of sorts, we're not out about it. one of our rules is 'the child knows nothing, meets nobody', and i'd like that to change simply because i hate lying to her about who i'm spending time with or talking to via phone. and lying to her caregivers about why i'm going out of town for a week for work, when actually i'm meeting AP. and my APs/Bfs don't seem real or authentic if i'm keeping them secret.

Yes, all those issues together, ouch, that's complicated and burdensome. I can understand why it's beginning to wear on you.

> how is it that you've practiced poly previously but not in this relationship? and that's not an option? i didn't go through to look at your comment history and don't know if this is something you've touched on before.

I just don't have the time for poly anymore; that was a bit of sea change when I turned 40 and became a more committed artist. As far as my SO, when I met her, she had half a dozen sex partners. For awhile there was a discussion of joining another couple for a weekend of fun, but we determined that I might potentially get jealous to the point of feeling hurt. (It didn't help that the woman I was in love with was banging seven other guys and that it was taking months for her to see how much I loved her.) I don't like my jealous side, but sometimes it's there.

I think a more interesting question would be to challenge me on something I wrote earlier: "QuirkyGuy, just what the hell did you mean by meta-poly?"

In the late 70s I lived in a small west coast town among a tight social circle committed to the polyamory tenets of the short story "The Persistence of Vision" in the book of the same name by John Varley. Although the novella is ostensibly about navigating the transcendent, as well as exploring the question of whether physical disabilities can free people, the setup is that the protagonist of the story visits a community of completely polygamous/polyamorous people to learn more about how they live.

They have "transcended" jealousy by instituting the following practice: whenever someone gets jealous for some reason, feeling that they're not getting enough sex (or love), the rest of the community descends upon the person, usually most of them naked, and the group makes love to the jealous person until the jealousy just melts away. There are some other very sexual details to the story that make it quite the enjoyable romp, but I don't want to give the whole thing away.

In this town that I lived in, we were committed to these tenets—if not completely in practice, then certainly in theory as well as in the spirit of things. For example, if a woman came to visit me and I didn't have time for her because I had to study, my roommate was usually there to make love to her. If I was feeling extremely lonely on a particular night, TWO women would come to visit me and stay the night. But the circle has to be very tight, and all the members well versed in the basic tenets and intents of this lifestyle, for it to work. When a new member joined the circle, we usually initiated them by having a slumber party and reading the entire novella aloud to them during the night while we cuddled and caressed them.

I've always believed that this was in some way philosophically and ultimately different (i.e., more supportive and healing) from the way most groups (I have known about) practice polyamory, and especially different from the lais·sez-faire, free-wheeling practices of NYC sex clubs like Trapeze.

I cannot recommend the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley enough... Incredible.. as I started reading it I was like WOW.. this is so accurate! Amazing.. .Its a book about the fundamental needs of men and women.. and its written with specifics and a frankness I have not seen elsewhere.. give it a try.. seriously.

https://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

I am sort of in your situation.. I've been married almost 20 years.. two kids, 17 and 15.... many people would consider me to be the "perfect husband" in that I provide for the family, i'm more or less a "super dad".. i'm fit, funny, intelligent.. treat my wife well..

over the years, though our marriage went to crap. It basically sounded like your's.. My wife became my 'business partner', really only initiating conversation to give me commands or to complain about something.. She had no desire for sex and told me so, directly.. she gained a ton of weight.

I wasn't perfect either.. I started a friendship with a girl half my age who used to be in my youth group that I lead.. she came back to our area after going away to college and asked me for some advice, etc.. we started texting and one thing lead to another and we had a mini affair.. I'll call it "mini" because we never slept together but we did kiss a few times, but mostly it was just conversation all day, every day via texting.. we just loved chatting with each other.. the very thing that my wife and I didn't share..That's the only "affair" I've ever had

anyway, my wife eventually found out about it.. things blew up.. We started going to a marriage counselor and I found that book by Harley... i wish I had found it 10 years ago... its truly an amazing book and could have saved us a TON of problems... It may be too late now for us.. .we'll see... but I would definitely recommend that book...

Yes. I go back and forth all the time. I already asked for a divorce about 3 months ago...then SO wanted so much to work on things. Now, it feels like the whole situation is much better (much improved DB), but it's not like the rest of our marriage is awesome either. We've been together for 26 years...and even though I would be completely financially OK if I left, I still feel too much in limbo to commit to leaving again. If only my SO were HALF as awesome as my LDAP. What's really fucked up is that my LDAP and I are so much in love...and I don't want to lose him...so I feel like if I stay with SO, LDAP and I can still be together...but if I opt for divorce, LDAP won't be enough for me and I will have to say goodbye. LDAP won't leave his wife.

I just ordered a book from Amazon:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by- Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether Stay or Get out Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0525940693/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_BRCYCb9G23B66

I'm hoping it helps me get some much-needed clarity.

Good luck.

If it means anything, this isn't abnormal - or perhaps it is, but I'll get to that.

Part of the reason I cheat really isn't about the sex, it's about the power derived from it - knowing that the mom I was with chose to be with me instead of her husband or her children. I think what I truly adore is taking something beautiful - vows, a mother's love, and destroying it simply because I can.

As I write this, I'm sitting in a small apartment that I use as an office in one of my properties. One of my lovers is asleep in bed after a night of fucking. I'm about to go to the gym. When I come back to the office, odds are she will have made me breakfast - it can be a good life sometimes.

Last night I choked her with a necktie as I fucked her ass - and then we held each other lovingly as we both drifted to sleep. I treated her like a whore and a painslut. I gave her what her goofy loser husband never could. But before we slept, she was showing me some pictures of her last overseas business trip with her husband and children. And I got to see her smiling husband and smiling teenage child and briefly wondered if the child would go to college and become a dirty painslut like her mother.

Because, you see, I like to win too, and I always win. You and I may be cut from the some cloth. You may get off on knowing that you are desired above all others. Is it normal? No, not to 98% of the population... but you may be different like me. So I wouldn't worry that much. It may be normal for people like us.

Read ["The Sociopath Next Door"] (http://www.amazon.com/Sociopath-Next-Door-Martha-Stout/dp/0767915828) it may open your eyes to your true potential in life.

Congrats on the super comfortable feels, I absolutely LOVE that dynamic .

I strongly recommend you both read The Ethical Slut and get a better handle on what open relationships really mean. You're already on an adultery sub, so I'll just say that she doesn't HAVE to choose boyfriend over you. She could stay with him and enjoy you too with your approval. You could do the same with other women.

I'm with you on the nonmonogamy. I don't see any sense in it, and I don't think who someone has sex with is a reflection of their feelings for me. I think it's strange that we teach our kids that we love them all "equally" (I don't use that wording, but you get my point) yet we grow up and expect everyone to love ONLY us. Bullshit.

Good luck to you both, keep us posted :)

With good looks, confidence, and money, your chances are good. Biggest success rate change for me was learning to be forward--not submissive (/r/TheRedPill, Models, etc).

Online dating is tough. It's swarmed with guys and the girls there are often spoiled by their attention. I still use AM/OKC/CL, but the girls are typically much less attractive than my real life pickups. Still worth a run in most people's opinions. It's a better hobby than TV.

Picking up girls in the real world is the most fun, and if you have any swagger, your best odds.

But honestly, you should get a divorce. Staying married to this woman horribly hinders your options. There are troves of lovely 18-35yo ladies that'd date/marry/procreate with a 50yo man. Your current wife can remain a friend, but "I happen to be legally married" is something you need to tell a woman before you fuck her, and it runs a lot of them off.

Younger women will date an older married man, too. But the relationships are much more likely to be shallow and just be about sex or money. I don't recommend cruising for single girls and lying to them about your married status btw. That ends very badly.

Indeed. My SO is hardly lazy (outside of the bedroom), but to my mind she does make a lot of things much more complicated than they need to be. I don't think any time savings in labor would actually translate into more time/interest/desire/generosity in the bedroom and I'm on a path to getting over that, but still it is frustrating to see her do it for all the difficulty it causes her otherwise. And it's funny because I think I could handle being an observer to that, if only she brought something to the table sexually (not that there's ever a table).

Laundry is easy, barely meriting lucidity much less actual thought. I just did the family's week's worth and it took all of three hours, and since I wasn't using one of these I was in fact able to get a whole lot of other stuff done during those three hours. To be fair there will still be a dedicated 15-20 minutes later in the day to empty the drying racks and fold, and I didn't wash bedding this week, though I might do that tomorrow because, you know, easy. OP, having these things done for one is nice and certainly something to be appreciated but unless the people in your life are more child than adult it's hardly necessary. On my own I think I could get away with spending four hours a month at laundry and an hour or two a day at food, leaving copious time for real life.

If your wife is a reader, I highly recommend she (and you) read this book. She sounds like she's got some attachment issues and once you recognize them, they're easier to deal with.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_BOMZzbEE35GAS

> She (OW) wasn't and isn't a she-devil.
---
> And I can see the evil she has towards me in her heart.

I think you need to decide (internally) whether you're going to demonize the OW or not. Honestly, though, you're clearly in a lot of pain. Focusing on the OW in any way is not going to help. Trying to empathize with the OW is not going to help, unless claiming that you understand her pain is going to make you feel better. Go no-contact and focus on yourself.

You can work to heal yourself, you can work with your husband to heal your relationship if that's desired on all sides; but you can't control the OW, you can't control your husband or force him to change. You both have to want to have a healthy relationship, and you both have to do your own work for it.

As a random aside, check out The Languages of Love. I'm going to guess you and your husband speak very different love languages. Your husband may reject trying to delve into something like that, but it may help you personally to help with how you move forward. Then head over to /r/survivinginfidelity, because frankly /r/adultery is not the place for you.

Your not the only one. https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266277
I don’t say no to my husband but he mostly wants it on the way to work first thing in the morning it’s a hit and run. I tried playing dominant as a fun way to ask for what I needed and he said I was bossy. Find a friend with amazing fingers.

Ok but i only corn flavored popcorn, its the greatest tasting popcorn there is.... not joking lemme find a link.


Mmmm yes here it is, i highly recommend it!

https://www.amazon.com/Herrs-Roasted-Sweet-Flavored-Popcorn/dp/B00EWOC238

I started reading Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl when someone I connected with through this sub mentioned it to me. The author has a lot to say about hot/cold cycles, and not to allow any disappearance to go unquestioned or unchallenged.

Oddly, my personal experience reading it (so far) has made me realize how comparatively well-treated I am for an AP (still a big caveat), but I think some of the stuff she hammers on about might be useful to you, if you're interested. And especially if you're feeling like you're done with it.

Your husband's reaction is not unusual, but what is unusual is his continued resentment over three years. Usually, harboring that much bitterness leads to a rapid deterioration of the marriage until it is unsalvageable. How did he catch you? What were the circumstances of you being discovered? And how emotional did the affair become?

There's a great book I recommend for partners learning to forgive their unfaithful spouses, entitled (interestingly) "After the Affair":

https://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0062122703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474551400&sr=8-1&keywords=after+the+affair

But bottom line, we are here to support you. Your husband either can, or cannot, accept who you are. There's no going back - there is only moving forward.

Please, tell us more about what happened.

I’m also a bit confused why you’re getting so beat up by everyone on this particular sub. Other subs, sure....

There’s a great book that you should read. If your husband does come back, at least be educated on how to go about getting his forgiveness as a starting point.


https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Good luck to you xx

After a couple of DB's (dead batteries) ((her douchenozzle SO wouldn't even maintain her car)) I bought her one of these as a Valentines Joke (we had said no gifts that would draw suspicion.) She loved it and suggested we go see if we could try it out. We did. It worked! It also saved her ass other times when I wasn't involved. She since has bought one for her teenaged daughters car. Hopefully her battery isn't dead for the same reason!!
https://www.amazon.com/DBPOWER-10800mAh-Portable-Starter-Flashlight/dp/B06Y5JYG93/ref=sr_1_12?ie=UTF8&qid=1518467433&sr=8-12&keywords=jump-starter

I'm sure what you mean by abuse? You might benefit from reading up more on the dynamic? My submissive AP recommended I read: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0145T6CC6/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title

also since your specifically talking about BDSM dynamic the subreddits and fetlife may be helpful to you.

Thanks. A friend of mine has a website, [http://www.acheatinghusband.com/] (http://www.acheatinghusband.com/) and she wrote an ebook. The Cheating Husband Epidemic - Why Infidelity Has Become Mainstream and 8 Tools Used In Powerful Long Lasting Marriages
I'm stuck on the age old philosophical question, if a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, does it still make a sound?
It has to be a clandestine affair. If your spouse never finds out what price do you have to pay?

 

Some women are type cast, kicked out of church, sent to recovering sex addict treatment, and the list goes on and on. But some men just get a slap on the wrist and told to be more careful. I'm amazed at what can be done behind closed doors.

Amazon also sells houses (with free shipping!). https://www.amazon.com/Allwood-Bella-237-Cabin-Loft/dp/B00O3PMNY4/