Best products from r/bdsm
We found 114 comments on r/bdsm discussing the most recommended products. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 249 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the top 20.
2. Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage
- A Step-by-Step Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage
Features:
3. Shibari You Can Use: Japanese Rope Bondage and Erotic Macram
- Green Candy Press
Features:
6. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism
- Adults Only
- Adult Books Instructional
- Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns Book
Features:
7. SM 101: A Realistic Introduction
- Enjoy free local HD channels in full HD resolution on your HDTV
- Slim design and clear frame to complement any décor
- For horizontal or vertical placement
- Exceptional HDTV reception
- Amplified for maximum strength
- Receives standard VHF/UHF signals
- Receives, filters and amplifies signals for improved performance
- Slim profile design
Features:
8. The New Topping Book
The New Topping Book by Easton and HardyExtras-Adult Books
9. The New Bottoming Book
The New Bottoming Book by Easton and HardyExtras-Adult Books
10. SPORTSHEETS Silky Sash Bondage Restraints
- LASSO YOUR LOVER IN LUXURY: Give your bondage play a sensual new touch with these incredibly soft restraints and allow the lush, silky fabric to keep your partner subdued while you supply the pleasure that will keep them begging for more.
- PERFECT FOR BEGINNERS: Exploring the kinky side of relationships might seem daunting on your first try, but curious couples can take comfort in the simplistic design of these durable restraints. No complicated set up means more time for pleasure!
- STYLISH AND VERSATILE: Don’t get stuck in one position - the Silk Sash Bondage Restraints can also be used to blindfold or gag your concubine - the only limit to these versatile pieces is your own imagination!
- PREPARE TO GET CREATIVE: The Silk Sash Bondage Restraints are more than a simple wrist cuff - the 4 foot long by 4 inch wide luxury ribbons can be tied to furniture, bedposts - just about anything you and your partner fantasize!
- GREAT FOR TRAVEL: Take your sexual fantasies to new locations with the unassuming design that stores easily in the smallest of suitcases, making this an ideal restraint for couples who love to take BDSM on-the-go!
Features:
11. Where I Am Led: A Service Exploration Workbook
- Measurements in inches, Total Length = 5.3, Insertable Length = 3.7, Max Width (Diameter) = 1.5, Max Girth (Circumference) = 4.71
- Narrrow neck and thick flared base help keep this toy optimally positioned without worry of it slipping in too deep
- Perfect For Beginners
- Proudly Made in America, The exterior is crafted of firm plastisol and the interior is made of flexible PVC, All materials are Phthalate-Free, Latex-Free, and Body-Safe
- Wash with Toy Cleaner or mild soap after use, Allow to dry completely, Store separately in a dry cool place
Features:
12. Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage
- Used Book in Good Condition
Features:
13. Spartacus Broad Tip Nipple Clamps with Adjustable Link Chain
- Adjustable nipple clamps offer a range of pressures, for a variety of sensations
- These adjustable nipple clamps features a sturdy, durable link chain
- Get ready for evenly distributed pleasure
Features:
14. UTIMI Bondage with Blindfold SM Thigh Restraint Sling Legs Binding Puttee Leather Suit Sex Toy for Women
- Made of superior leather,safe and comfortable.
- Tightness can be adjustable, one size fits most.
- Soft,smooth and comfortable to wear and do no harm to skin.
- Legs and neck can be tied at the same time.
- Scientifically designed SM product, suitable for beginners and SM lovers.
Features:
15. SPORTSHEETS - Under the Bed Restraint System
- ALWAYS TRUST THE ORIGINAL: The Under the Bed Restraint System is a SPORTSHEETS original - that's right, we invented it. Many have tried, but none have matched the quality or comfort of our innovative bondage kit created to quench your curiosity.
- DESIGNED WITH COMFORT IN MIND: Soft, adjustable neoprene cuffs are the cornerstone of the Under the Bed Restraint System which can be custom configured to fit beds and bodies of all shapes and sizes.
- MADE WITH BODY-SAFE MATERIALS: The Under the Bed Restraint System features Nylon webbing, skin-safe plastic, and nickel-free metal hardware, so the bondage gear is only uncomfortable if that's how your sex slave deserves it.
- SET UP IS A BREEZE: SPORTSHEETS knows that fun and intimacy are your top priorities, which is why the Under the Bed Restraint System is designed for quick set-up under any mattress so you can get down to business with no waiting.
- GREAT FOR TRAVEL: Take your sexual fantasies to new locations with the compact design of the Under the Bed Restraint System. It takes up almost no space in your luggage making these bondage restraints perfect for BDSM couples on-the-go!
Features:
16. Slavecraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude: Principles, Skills and Tools
Used Book in Good Condition
17. Stretch-Tite Premium Food Wrap With Titecut Slide Cutter, 250 Sq.ft
Superior quality plastic wrap offering better performance and food preservation/storageTicket Slide Cutter included and installs in secondsStretch-To-Seal PerformanceSturdy and reliable packaging1000's of everyday uses
18. Leg Avenue Women's Wet Look Thigh Highs, Black, Small/Medium
Package includes: thigh highsHand wash cold, do not bleach, drip dry, do not ironSuperior quality and comfortable fitLooks amazing with skirts, dresses, or even paired with shorts
19. YiZYiF Women's Sexy Lingerie Set Faux Leather Zipper Front Crop Tops with G String Black Medium
- Set Include: 1x Crop Tops, 1x Mini Briefs Underwear
- 2Pcs women's bikini underwear set with zipper closure
- Crop top is sleeveless, low rise mini briefs with elastic waistline
- Special and modern design makes you charming and chic
- Perfect for lingerie night or self-pleasure, stage performance, clubwear, beach wear, etc
Features:
^Thank ^you ^for ^the ^introduction, ^my ^lovely ^lady! ^<3
> And so it (hopefully) begins.
I'd say it has begun.
> At first I said to myself that it was simply something that porn had done to me, somehow twisted me if you will and I simply had to shake it off. Like it was an abnormality and that I simply needed to learn to appreciate and enjoy vanilla sex.
I've been there - well, not exactly there, but I understand about the escalation that comes with the vicious cycle of porn, masturbation, and orgasm addiction. However, as I recently attempted to explain to some poor young man on that crazy no-fap board, our sexual tastes and appetites are fluid, and it is perfectly possible to develop or realize a fetish through exposure to it. What may not be so possible is to stop having that fetish - it may be better to simply accept it, and attempt to engage in it safely, consensually, and so on.
Thankfully, you don't seem to have a problem currently with worrying about whether or not your fetishes are bad and if you should get rid of them or avoid them. Great! If you do develop such a thing, check back with us in /r/BDSMcommunity which is our main discussion subreddit. We'll do our best to reassure you (or tell you to seek help, if that's what seems necessary, of course).
Often, I recommend recently vanilla guys to read through BDSM for Nice Guys, especially if it seems like they are having problems pushing boundaries (usually in relation to impact play and pain). I'm pretty sure you also don't have that problem, so you probably could still get a few things from skimming it, though.
> Any games or stuff I can make her do?
Well, there are millions of different games and scenes we can play with each other. That's part of what makes BDSM so interesting - it is so very broad. The same people who wrote that BDSM for Nice Guys article have a nice selection of BDSM scenarios which should give you lots of ideas. You should definitely read that.
> Now the most important thing in that I saw in all of the posts I´ve read so far is communication. After the spilling of the beans by me we have done a lot of talking and she really wants to try this with me and explore further which is something that took me almost completely by surprise. She is now going on non-stop about ropes and cuffs and when I am going to buy them and what am I going to do and so on so forth. Which is fucking awesome. However I really want to do this properly and give her an epic experience.
This is great! As you already know we're all about communication, communication, communication, and when you're done with that, STILL MORE COMMUNICATION.
If you haven't already, you should spend some time going through mojo upgrade, a BDSM checklist, and/or exploring the human sex map together with google/urban dictionary for things you don't know about.
With my kitten the thing that worked best for her was us going through my human sex map, then exploring a blank one together answering all her questions, and finally with her synthesizing her own list. Very soon, we're most likely going to do it again, because as I said, these things are somewhat fluid and now that she is a bit more experienced, things may have changed. So keep that in mind for the future!
Basically, you need to figure out which kinds of activities interest and excite your partner (clearly she is interested in bondage with both ropes and handcuffs), which kinds of activities your partner is disinterested in (so far nothing mentioned), and which kinds of activities your partner absolutely does not want any part in (also unmentioned). You should also figure out these same things for yourself! The last bit is just as important as figuring out what she wants for your success as a happy couple where both parties needs are being met.
After you have a good overview of her likes, your likes, her dislikes, your dislikes, her limits, and your limits and have coupled this knowledge with some of those BDSM scenarios and such, you should be able to start planning scenes and sessions that meet everyone's needs, are fun, and most importantly safe. When planning scenes, it is best to share them with your partner, so they can have input and you can make any changes necessary to ensure it is a fun scene for you both.
> How for example would be best to do the first sessions, no toys/other stuff vs. lots of stuff?
The first few sessions you definitely want to try to focus on one thing at a time, for each new thing. So, for example, your first session may involve bondage. Here you'd try out some rope and some handcuffs and see how she felt, how confident you were in your technique, and so on and so forth. Next session might be impact play. The next one sensation play, and so on and so forth. After you have have some confidence and experience with a couple different techniques, then you should look to move them into a session together.
Go slow, because you can always add in more later, but it's hard to "take it back" once you have gone too far.
> She wants a collar to but I want to make her earn it, any tips on that?
Determine for yourself what condition it is for her to have earned it, and it's okay if that condition is simply a feeling or even something like, "three successful BDSM scenes" and now you're serious! Just be clear to talk to her about whether this is a play collar, permanent collar, or something more. I'm assuming from reading that it's planned to be a play collar, but it will be hers (thus why she must earn it). That's just great.
> And pretty much any noob friendly advice you have would be very very much appreciated.
For the love of god, choking and breathplay are edgeplay meaning they are highly dangerous. Make sure to do serious research and look at it as a serious action when/if you move onto engaging in breathplay (or any other form of edgeplay).
Also, BDSM is very broad and personal. The way you and your partner will do BSDM is different than the way me and my partner do BDSM and would be different from the way we'd all do BDSM if magically we swapped partners. There is no wrong way to do BDSM except for the way that is disregarding of consent or safety. You do not have to do anything that you don't want to do - punching and hard face slapping are limits of mine I won't pass with anyone, even the most hardcore masochist. Nothing is "normal" or "expected" except that we expect you and your partner are having lots of safe, kinky fun together!
Finally, I'll paste a few of my basic bondage stuff to get you started with the rope work.
Where to start with rope
You should get some 6mm - 8mm (which is equivalent to 1/4" and 3/8" respectively) diameter rope in either cotton, nylon, or hemp (jute is similar but more expensive). Cotton is the cheapest and easiest to get a hold of. You will want 15 feet to 30 feet lengths. Most people find shorter lengths are too short to do much with, and longer lengths are far too long to work with effectively. Besides, you can always join ropes together to extend them should you fall short.
You should get a rescue hook, safety shears, knife, or something else to be able to cut through ropes in an emergency. It's a good idea to test that it actually works too. You should also learn about anatomy and find where major nerves, blood vessels, and other fragile areas are which you should avoid wrapping or tightening on. Finally, you should practice on yourself and inanimate objects before you go tying anyone else up!
Bondage Basics
Please check out our bondage basics article in /r/BDSMfaq. It is very informative and will say much of what I say here.
Depending on what you are looking to get into, I would highly recommend the following books, in no particular order:
For websites, you should most definitely check out Twisted Monk's video tutorials and the Two Knotty Boy's downloads. Rope specific subreddits include /r/shibari and /r/kinbaku.
For general knot-tying information, I like animated knots by grog, and of course your favorite search engine. Learning the basic terms can help you a lot, and if you really get interested in knots and rigging in general there's always /r/knots and sailing related stuff.
Do it before she arrives. It is more difficult to set them yourself but once you have them in place you can hide the straps easy. And I don't recommend leaving the room, but I do recommend a blindfold. I've listed below some cheap starter equipment if you are looking for more tools to play with. Generally I will start slow and work up to something be it an orgasm, or paingasm and then start the cooldown.
So start slow, build up, climax of some sort, then aftercare. Remember the aftercare. Seriously, aftercare. I generally will take some virgin coconut oil and give my sub a massage after we play.
These toys should give you a good baseline on what you like and what you don't. From there I would look around at places like stockroom.com or extremerestraints.com and find out what interests you. Stockroom.com has some of the best selection but is expensive.
Best of luck.
*Edit fixed some links
It's really good that you had an open conversation with him and know a bit about what he likes and what his current limits are. Your basically starting out a journey of mutual self-discovery so be ready to see those preferences and limits probably change as you experiment with each other. Although femdom porn videos can be useful for inspiration you definitely don't need any of those fancy items to start up, specially now that you are still discovering if it's something you like to do. Everyday household items are just as good. Your hand, a hair brush, a wooden spoon or a desk ruler are perfect for spanking. As for cock rings, use a ribbon or a soft rope, something that isn't too thin to not dig into his skin and most importantly, don't leave it for too long (not more than 10m/20min) and if it's too uncomfortable remove it or cut it out carefully with a round scissor.
Just remember to be patient and start slow. Be aware of each others limits and preferences, don't rush things and pay attention to each other's body language to understand if you are enjoying it or not. Above all communicate, use a safe word and have fun by not taking any of it too seriously.
In my opinion, "The Loving Dominant" (https://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727/188-7715791-1251046?ie=UTF8&amp;*Version*=1&amp;*entries*=0) is a great book for reference on the subject. It helped me a lot.
Hope any of this helps, wish you both the best and hope you enjoy it! :) Good luck!
First off, I think you need to be direct and open about what you're looking for. What that looks like for you will depend on what's available in your area, but I'd recommend checking out Fetlife.com and seeing if there are any Groups for your area where people are posting about Munches. Munches are laid back hangouts in a public place where people meet to talk about kink and BDSM. Even if it's not for you, you'll meet people who might be able to tell you about other options.
Another option is online dating, for example OKCupid.com, where you should definitely go through and answer all the compatibility questions. Any questions around dominance-submission you should make it a Mandatory Match question so that only people who answered the way you want them to on that question will show up as your matches.
Finally, if you're looking for reading material far beyond something like 50 Shades of Grey then I recommend Slavecraft by A Grateful Slave - it might not be exactly what you're looking for, but the way that this person discusses slavery (or submission, in your case) is very empowering. Some of the concepts include things like "taking care of the property" (making sure you are healthy and well cared for before caring for others) and understanding that you get joy from other people's joy, and that that's okay. You seem able to bring some thought and analysis to this, so I think you might find value in this book even if it's not exactly what you're looking for.
Silk rope is available on Amazon and other places, but it's not one of the more common materials used for bondage. (Read carefully to make sure it's actually silk and not 'silky something else'.)
Silk is very strong, stronger than hemp, and you will not be able to rip it. However, silk is soft enough that it will slide easily and your knots may slip off, which is why most riggers don't use it. It also degrades faster than most natural materials.
As beginners, you're not going to notice much difference in different rope materials other than softness versus roughness. A soft MFP rope might be just as good or better for your uses and easier to clean without much chance of skin reactions compared with natural fibers like hemp or jute. If you want it to feel more romantic and less 'hardcore', might I recommend something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-Beginners-Silk-Bondage-Restraints/dp/B002LVV3UW
It's a sheet, not a rope. You roll it up where you want to make knots and use the unfolded sheet wide where you want to restrain the bottom's body, so it's much better for not putting pressure on joints and nerves accidentally. Very good for starting out, since it's very unlikely you'll make a knot you can't undo, but you should also pick up a pair of safety sheers to cut it just in case there's some sort of emergency.
A great read for newbies is SM:101 and if you are into the bondage aspect of it, knotty boys.
by no means the be all end all of bdsm books but a good place to start. SM101 is good because it teaches you the safety aspects of bdsm. A VERY important part of it. safety first and goood luck and happy playing!
When you see how much she enjoys it, hopefully your concerns will melt away. My husband was very similar. He was interested in bondage before we met but the thought of hitting someone without just cause made him uncomfortable. When he realised that I was enjoying being spanked, it quickly quelled any fears he had. And don't worry - he's not turned into a wife-beating maniac or a quick-tempered oaf who gets into fights in bars!
Basically - there's a HUGE difference between violence (domestic and otherwise) and safe, sane, consensual play between two adults.
As Deviant-designs said, having her take the lead at first is a great idea. This way you know what she's into and you know you're not going to cross a line.
Set up a safeword (or, if she's gagged, another way of being able to communicate 'I'm not happy with this, stop NOW' - e.g. a handkerchief she can wave or drop). That way you know you're not going to accidentally go too far.
Perhaps explore some BDSM related sites or books together. Communication is key - talk about what you find interesting / intriguing and what you find disconcerting.
Also, "Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns" is a great read - https://www.amazon.co.uk/d/cka/Screw-Roses-Send-Me-Thorns-Romance-Sadomasochism/0964596008 - and can really help beginners.
Good luck - and enjoy!
I highly recommend The New Bottoming Book to anyone interested in sadomasochism, bottoming or submission. It's a fantastic resource and explains things in a real, no-nonsense sort of way.
I haven't read it, but I've heard good things about SM 101 as well. :3
This is the perfect place to post your question, hope you find it useful and enjoy your stay. :3!
The New Topping Book would be my first book recommendation. It's an awesome book, by two awesome (and feminist) authors. They have one aimed at bottoms as well.
Why not experiment with specific acts that you discuss beforehand until you're both comfortable that you know what the other is ok with, say some bondage or a spanking, and then discuss what you both liked (or didn't). I realize that's not as sexy as just giving someone free reign within your limits, but it allows him to get comfortable with each act, which will eventually lead to you two having built up the toolkit of fun, kinky things that you can start pulling out more easily and comfortably.
I got these, but honestly I don't love them. They do have the adjustment screw, but the tips on them are pretty small so getting a GOOD grip on the nipple and finding the right level of tension was a struggle. But then again I DID buy hella cheap ones so I wasn't expecting much. It looks like they make them in a couple different tip sizes/shape though so maybe you can shop around.
I've since picked up the Japanese Clover Clamp style which I like and the tweezer style which she likes.
And yeah... I do a lot of shopping for stuff like this on Amazon. There are probably better resources, but I loves me some Amazon Prime.
I don't know if this particular work would be appropriate for your relationship dynamic but my pet has enjoyed Where I am Led Quite a bit (And will finish it soon, yay!). It is a year's worth of weekly written responses and projects.
My favorite types of homework tasks to assign are research tasks. For example: learning massage techniques, studying a foreign culture and language, reading an assigned book, or developing an existing skill. I think by choosing these not only does my pet enjoy performing a task for me but it also enriches her personally as well.
P.S. You don't have to stick to serious tasks either. Me and my pet both play Magic: The Gathering and last month I assigned a deck list and made her give a detailed analysis of each card in the deck list and how the deck worked together, then write a strategy for play guide for a person new to the deck.
There's a lot there. I would start by watching some YouTube videos. There are also two books you should grab
Bondage For Sex [Paperback] [2006] (Author) Chanta Rose https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00E7HP4MQ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_U5ADCbCD0KB3A
And
Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes: A Step-by-Step, Illustrated Guide for Tying Sensual and Decorative Rope Bondage https://www.amazon.com/dp/B008D30TWA/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_47ADCbQWPMAE5
Learn the single and double column ties and a simple square knot and you can do a lot. The most important thing is learning how to tie knots that don't get tighter.
As far as rope types, I like linen jute. This stuff is really nice.
PGNROPE 100% Natural Linen... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07F5G4XML?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
Types really come down to personal preference and purpose. Also get some medical scissors in case you need to get the rope off in a hurry.
Maybe most importantly, you need a sub who likes letting you practice. Good luck and have fun.
Also, I forgot to say, YMMV, IANAL, nor an expert. I'm just getting into this myself. But in any relationship, communication is the key. Let it break down, and everything's fucked.
Also, my friend just lent me a copy of Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns, which is I think a pretty well regarded BDSM manual/overview. You might want to check it out if you can.
Same friend highly recommended The New Bottoming Book Which I haven't started yet, but seems quite interesting. Supposed to be a good read to help you get in the right mindset to sub, or to understand the mindset of your sub as a dom.
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns is a really great book. It's really informative as well as entertaining, with a fun conversational style. I highly recommend it.
Nice karada, the world always needs more riggers. Says I. You can weave the rest up the back (if you bend that way, I'm always slinging string with a rope bunny), or wrap it into a hip harness, or if you twist two ropes around each other while twisting each rope in the opposite direction it'll hold the shape. Then a knot in the end and you have a pretty leash! 2KB do some very good rope books (http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/193116049X).
PS. Definitely worth investing in EMT shears if you haven't already.
Take a look at this book from Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727/ - and be sure to check out the books in the "Frequently Bought Together?" portion. It's less than $50.00 total and I am sure they will all help both of you down this beautiful path. SM 101 and Screw the Roses are pretty much required reading. =)
https://www.amazon.com/Stretch-Tite-Premium-Titecut-Slide-Cutter/dp/B0195R5YSQ/ref=sr_1_44?keywords=static+tape&qid=1565466584&s=hpc&sr=1-44
I think ever since people started using electrostatic tape in kink, savvy marketers have started putting that into their products' search terms so it's harder to sort through to find the stuff that isn't overpriced and marketed for bedroom play. It's something else you can try searching for.
And this isn't bondage tape, but you can keep your rope bunny fresh and free from fridge odors. ;) (I am in no way advocating the placing of submissives into any kitchen appliances; please contain submissives responsibly.)
I got them off amazon. Super cheap stuff tbh since I've never tried lingerie before :)
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If you're curious what I got:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07DKBS9L3/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
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https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01CXW1QD2/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1
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https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00JIW2YMS/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s02?ie=UTF8&psc=1#customerReviews
Some resources:
"The New Topping Book"
"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns"
I also have a site BDSMGeek on which I have a bunch more links in a BDSM Resource Collection.
Cheers and good luck.
hese should help you with some questions/issues/concerns etc
bdsm for nice guys: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdniceguy.html
http://www.amazon.com/Loving-Dominant-John-Warren/dp/1890159727 all three books commonly bought in the wishlist starter websites and youtube channels,
http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/21214343/1390917102/name/BDS M+Checklist.pdf
http://sexionnaire.com/
http://www.mojoupgrade.com/registration?type=same
http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html
http://www.youtube.com/user/subguide
http://www.youtube.com/user/bdsmgeny/videos?fl.ow=grid&amp;view=0
bottom of the page: http://www.youtube.com/user/ladymal651/videos?flow=grid&amp;view=0 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8uuxNRiJk0
they really helped me get a better scope and understanding of the different elements and aspects of bdsm
If you are interested in things other than those sexually focused, here is a well done workbook to help develop a service mindset.
honestly id rather someone advocate toilet paper bondage than silk sash restraints as a beginner's bondage kit..http://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-Beginners-Silk-Bondage-Restraints/dp/B002LVV3UW..... silk is self locking and becomes even harder to untie after it gets damp..... at least the vanilla kid wont get themselves into trouble with toilet paper, its like giving kids those markers that only work on certain papers lol
OP, it is my opinion that /u/theeemaster made some serious leaps, and I completely disagree with what he said. He was extremely pessimistic from the beginning, and I don't think it'd be wise to listen to him. Where one person would say "you can't have your cake and eat it too," another person would say "relationships are all about compromise, and finding common ground."
And frankly, if I were you I'd be pissed that this arrogant little shit is making sweeping judgments about your entire relationship from a half-page essay about one specific problem you're having. He called your partner shit! He called you shit! He accused you of not having been honest about your kink when it's clear from your post that you were, and that it was a misunderstanding! Don't listen to this guy OP, cynicism like that is toxic to relationships.
It sounds like your partner made a distinction between your physical need for sexual gratification and your emotional need for bdsm. She was cool with you getting your rocks off with someone else as long as that's all it was, but once she realized it was this deeply personal thing she wanted you to stop. But she didn't just shut you down, she asked you to get her more information. This suggests to me that she doesn't just recognize the importance of your needs, but that your needs are important to her, she just doesn't really understand them. That's huge because plenty of couples, even vanilla ones, have dissatisfying sex lives because they don't communicate and aren't willing to try new things. So don't go taking that for granted.
The is where /u/theeemaster fucks up again. The one potential solution he offers is lazy as hell too. Watch some fuckin' movies and see if she gets excited? What are we, 19?
Your partner is probably intimidated by this. She asked you to get her some information, so get it for her! Meet her halfway! That's what relationships are about! Get her The New Bottoming Book or something.
Talk about your kinks honestly. Explain why you want what you want. Encourage her to explore hers, be attentive and be accepting, and see if there are some activities you can both enjoy. If you really want to make this thing work, see a sex therapist. And yeah, there's a chance you won't be able to make it work, but there's a chance you will, and you have to really try or you'll never know. Don't lose love over being lazy.
But the first thing you need to do is xpost this to /r/BDSMcommunity. That's the big discussion sub and they're fantastic. /r/bdsm is a picture board, whether the mods want to admit it or not, and most of the people you find here are just here to jerk off.
These books are not great, but they have a few useful ties:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B008D30TWA/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004L622UK/ref=kinw_myk_ro_title
Loading them onto a tablet and paging through was good enough to learn while tying the girl.
Two Knotty Boys
There used to be more of their vids but here's what's left on Youtube...
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3D1EDFA74976556F
They also have a great couple of guidebooks too:
https://www.amazon.com/Knotty-Showing-Ropes-Step-Step-ebook/dp/B008D30TWA/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1505623098&amp;sr=8-3&amp;keywords=two+knotty+boys
https://www.amazon.com/Two-Knotty-Boys-Ropes-Paperback/dp/B01FOD7KE6/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1505623098&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=two+knotty+boys
I highly recommend The Loving Dominant - John Warren. I got it for my husband to introduce him to the more psychological aspect behind BDSM.
You can also read some books. I like "Screw the Roses, send me the thorns", as a good beginners and medium resource.
https://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008
The author is very experienced, and can explain things well.
I bought the same exact set from Amazon for 28 dollars instead of the 60 on that site. They work great.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000VHH5DW/ref=oh_details_o04_s00_i00
An excellent book that helped me and my first sub:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0964596008?pc_redir=1406880968&amp;robot_redir=1
This is what i use, it is perfect. http://www.amazon.com/Sportsheets-Under-Bed-Restraint-System/dp/B000VHH5DW
Edit. Just pick a safeword. You need one.
Two Knotty Boys Showing You The Ropes
shibari you can use
Here is a couple of reference book that I found really useful also, those 2 authors have a couple of additional books out also.
It seems more like the roles are muddled. There's always a balance of giving and receiving, and those balances depend on what the individuals find fulfilling. It's totally possible for someone to be a "Service Top", for example, though not as common as a "Service Bottom". I think you're bothered because things seem off-balance.
Three books come to mind, these really helped provide me with language and insight to the roles:
http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/1890159360
http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/1890159352
http://www.amazon.com/When-Someone-You-Love-Kinky-ebook/dp/B005HZ6FH0
Here's a bunch of other knots if you couldn't find them from those links: Clicky
I'd also suggest the book - I think most of the knots are covered in those videos, but I find the book easier. No need to pause and go back when you have all the pictures laid out and descriptions written out.
These are always better I find. It's an x harness that goes under the bed. That towel rack, if in drywall will just rip out when things get heated. If you want to spend less get heavy duty d-rings with hangers... you can get em for a couple bucks and bolt them to the corners of your bed frame. GLHF
You're looking for SM 101 by Jay Wiseman
I assume Wildatheart is talking about http://www.amazon.com/SM-101-A-Realistic-Introduction/dp/0963976389
Link dump!
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Instructionals: Two Knotty Boys,
Twisted Monk.
Books: Showing you the Ropes,
Back On the Ropes, Complete Shibari,
Erotic Bondage Handbook.
Must Know Knots: One Comlun Tie,
Two Column Tie.