Best products from r/childfree

For lack of a better place, I'm going to reply to this one.

Honestly?

I think this is about him having to face facts and close the door on the "dream" of having bio-kids. This means letting go of the romantic idea of having a kid who looks like him, to play him, to be his best friend, etc., etc. It means truly understanding that this is not going to happen and that this is a part of himself that he won't actualise if he stays with you.

What this effectively means is grieving. Not just any kind of grief: disenfranchised grief. On the outside, nobody really died, nothing bad happened after all. But he needs to grief the fact that the traditional path isn't in the cards for him. He has to mentally bury this dream if he wants to move on with you. Grief is a process: it takes time and going through the pain and the sadness. It means learning to adapt to this "new normal" that his life will take a different turn then expected. The beginning is the hardest, but as the days, weeks and months pass, grief becomes like this tender scar. He'll never forget, the pain might pop up at times, but he'll understand that this is reality.

Reading your comment, it's like he's at a different place in that process then you. And that's normal. Although you're a couple, you still process the impact of events on individual level, and that can differ from partner to partner. That's to be expected here. For you, it's a done deal because of your medical history. There isn't much choice lest you want to risk your life. For him, he is in a different position: on a biological level, he can (hypothetically) go on and have kids with other women. There's an out. But it means he faces regret on both sides: leaving a good marriage and risk having kids, or staying knowing he won't use the ability to become a dad. And that's a mind fuck.

Thing is, he has to understand that life is all about choosing one path understanding that you don't walk the other path and be cool with that. You can't have it all. You can't eat cake and have it at the same time. And he also has to understand that one is far less in control over his/her life then we'd assume: we all make decisions and choose a path with the best of intentions, but NOTHING in life is guaranteed. Death is the only guarantee there is. Most other things in life are subject to probability. There's a difference between dreaming about the mythical traditional family and putting in the hard work whilst also understanding that success also hinges on random events and dumb luck.

Look, without going into the (irrelevant) details: I'm a stepdad but I don't have my own bio-kids. Never will. I went through something similar. I went - quite unexpectedly - through grief and a sense of being unmoored as I bounced from the far-off, extremely vague "one-day-I'll-be-a-trad-parent" notion into the present reality of "You're-a-stepdad-and-you-dont-need-another-kid" with the particular challenges this role bestowes upon me.

Reading up has done me really good. I can recommend the work of Ariel Levy. There's also Meghan Daum who has compiled the wonderfully insightful Selfish, Shallow and Self-Absorbed: Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not to Have Kids. And that's just the tip of existing literature on the subject.

As for counseling:

> when I brought up my concerns with getting pregnant again that therapist got very belittling.

Nope. Nope. Nope! That's not how you do counseling. I have wonderful therapist. He's more like a mentor. The man taught me how to meditate and the basics of mindfulness. Really helpful stuff. He's like this non-judgmental mirror when I was in a session with him. He made me question some of the assumptions I had held for the better part of my life about the reality of family life. I wouldn't have been able to type the above insights without his help. I chose him because he's a stepdad himself, and he's - oddly enough - specialised in palliative care. So, he understands a great deal about regret, life and death and the importance of not beating around the bush.

I'd still recommend seeing a counselor, but only one with whom you feel comfortable, who genuinely understand the process you're going through and treats where you are in your own lives with the respect and the kindness you deserve. If you don't feel okay with one counselor, go see a different one.

Personally, I learned that this is about learning to shift your perspective and understanding that a life where you don't have bio-kids can be just as fulfilling and just as valid. It's ultimately what we make of our own lives that count. Having a kid doesn't automagically enrich your life, you have to do that for yourself.

Best of luck!

I'm 30.

Part of me had wanted to be a father and a parent. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the world needs less people to have kids, not more. I look at it as a resource issue. I try to be hopeful about the future, but the evidence I've considered suggests otherwise.

I have lots of reasons for not having kids, as probably most childfree people do. I understand conceptually some of the rewards of watching children grow up to become their own people with their own ideas. I think I would have been an excellent parent. But I also have life goals that I think come first, and as a parent I believe that my own aspirations would have to come second.

I'm a teacher, and I expect to become a better teacher because I can be career oriented and build my knowledge better with the available time to read more. I would rather spend my evenings reading a book than monitoring and disciplining kids.

A good book on the childfree movement is No Kids: 40 Good Reasons Not to Have Children by Corinne Maier. It's a quick read. It's style is humorous but at times serious.

> The biggest issue with veganism is that over 90% of vegans have deficiencies in nutrients that are vital to brain health (like vitamin B12).

Citation please? Because my recent bloodwork after 20 years vegan says otherwise. I also didn't get through university and grad school with honors and pass the CPA on the first try because my brain is addled by vegetables. Not a single meat-eater in my graduating class of 60 passed all 4 parts on the first go.

> There are several other nutrients as well, creatine (which affects muscles), vitamin D3 (which is much more effective than the plant based D2), carnosine (carno=meat, this is only found in animal tissue and protects against Parkinson's and Alzheimer's), Docosahexaenoic Acid (it's found in fish oil, and other animal products, the plant based version has to be converted, and humans are really shitty at converting it, it's the most abundant omaga-3 fatty acid in the brain).

Like I posted on your other comment, all of this information is almost entirely incorrect.

First, here's an article that says red meat can also raise your Alzheimer's risk. I think - at best - the science is still out on this one.

B12 is produced by bacteria, not by animals. You can easily find vegan B12 pills.

DHA you can also find in plants

D3 is also available in vegan form

Creatine as well

Please do a few seconds of research before you post this stuff.

A d&s abortion barely counts as surgery (dilation and suction). Nothing is cut, there’s no scalpels or scarring. It’s about as complicated as installing an iud. However if you’re from the United States, I wouldn’t take the ability to get an abortion now or in the future for granted, nor the ability to get the morning after pill.

I can’t take hormonal contraceptives and I bleed heavily already so copper IUDs are out for me. My birth control is condoms, and the morning after pill if they break. Abortion is also free and on request in my country, so failure of the first two methods is really not something I have to worry about because there’s always abortion. My partner is about to start contracting for an American company though, and it’s a possibility we may have to relocate stateside in the future. We’re both waiting for sterilisation appointments while we’re still here and still have inexpensive, comprehensive private health insurance where sterilisation is a policy benefit with no co-pay. (We pay around $80 USD a month each for the most expensive plan there is, which includes dental and optical cover and unlimited surgical and medical treatment in a year — my eyes water thinking what that same kind of cover is going to cost us in the US, hopefully we can get it as part of a renumeration package).

I think if you have the option of sterilisation you should take it. If you can’t handle it, next best option would be jadelle (the implant), with condoms, and the morning after pill (plan b) if you break any of those condoms. Stacked together that should lower the odds of pregnancy into the 1:100000s. Stock up on the morning after pill while you can still get it. Maybe even send away for some abortifacient pills from aidaccess.org as well. Pick a day of the month and test for pregnancy on that day every month with something like this: https://www.amazon.com/ClinicalGuard%C2%AE-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-Individually-Sealed/dp/B007VT30C8

That's what I did as soon as I graduated! In the summer of 2011, I read all the YA and bestsellers I'd been meaning to get to but couldn't because I was too busy reading 19th century authors for class. I read about 40 books that year, but then the number kept dropping. By 2014, I had only read one book for the entire year.

I've been alternating between fiction/non-fiction. I just started The Pleasures of Reading in an Age of Distraction. I came across it a couple of years ago (not sure where, maybe NPR?) and added it to my to-read list, but never got around to reading it. Then I found it in the library the other evening. It's very short and I thought it would be a very appropriate read right now! :)

I say go buy yourself a sperm checking microscope. Then buy a human sperm slide for reference and make sure you can see it in the microscope. Then buy some blank sides and test him once a month. I have one and on the test slide you can see the tails and everything!! Best advice I can give. If I had to do it all over again, I'd also look at my sperm directly after the vasectomy so I knew what normal sperm looked like with lots of swimmers.

This is the test slide I got

https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B019HR72OS/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I have Nexplanon, too, and am adamantly child free. I have a fund for if I ever fall pregnant.

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I also bulk buy these tests once a year and take one every month-ish. They're super cheap and just as effective as the $10 ones. Also, none of the in person awkwardness.

I know a few folks who got service animal looking harnesses for their pets for this exact reason. Then they can tell people (or yell if necessary) that the dog is not a toy so leave us alone without the weird social backlash. IDK if it's a perfect solution, but it seems to help.


Edit: Or get something like this!! Ha - that should keep children away!


https://www.amazon.com/Zveryatam-Unique-Designer-muzzles-Werewolf/dp/B018RMAQZ6

Close, but it's actually this one, which is sensitive to ~250 thousand, which in the medical literature indicates a "very low chance" of causing pregnancy. I'm going in for a lab test in 3 weeks, but this is FDA approved as an alternative to lab tests and highly recommended in the journals I read, so it's just an extra layer of reassurance.

UTI test strips: http://www.amazon.com/Areta-Parameter-Urinalysis-Reagent-Strips/dp/B00D5UZMDC/

bulk pregnancy test strips: http://www.amazon.com/ClinicalGuard-Pregnancy-Test-Strips-25-count/dp/B007VT30C8/ They have other amounts available as well. $10 for 2 years worth seems like a small price for peace of mind.

I really like Christopher Moore's books; they contain almost no kids. The one that I can recall doing so is amusing in that regard.

I recommend "Bloodsucking Fiends" or "Lamb : The Life of Christ as told by his childhood pal, Biff" to start. :-)

https://www.chrismoore.com/

Also, another book I love is "Sewer, Gas and Electric : The Public Works Triology" - almost no kids in that one either.

https://www.amazon.com/Sewer-Gas-Electric-Public-Trilogy/dp/0802141552

I loved No kid: 40 good reasons not to have children. It was funny and light-hearted but truthful.

http://www.amazon.com/No-Kids-Good-Reasons-Children/dp/0771054777

Well, as a veteran of more than a few babyshowers, if you haven't gotten one yet I suggest a "Baby Briefcase." It's an organizer that allows parents to keep medical records like vaccinations and other things all in one place.

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https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Briefcase-Paperwork-Organizer-Periwinkle/dp/B001F8TLLU

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That doesn't change the fact your coworkers are idiots, but so far every single person I've gotten this for absolutely loves it.

They also need to read Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman, which about how the French style of child-rearing produces healthy, happy children who also don't run roughshod over their parents.

Interestingly, the parenting techniques in Druckerman's book were commonly being used 40+ years ago in the USA. I'm still not sure what happened that our culture dropped those methods.

I say invest in 2 things: a door wedge and an AddALock device.

If your door has a good latch bolt on it, you don't have to invest in a whole lock. I've discovered an invention called an AddaLock that just fits right in the little slither between the door and door frame. When it's locked in place, it keeps the door from ever opening, regardless of how hard you try to open it. Of course, it's only as strong as the door's wood.

Amazon link - it's small and easy to install, and it really works.

EDIT: You cannot lock a door from the outside with the AddALock. It only works from the inside. Keep that in mind.

I made it myself!

-Mix 40g of whole wheat flour and 40g of water in a glass jar with a loose-fitting lid (I used one of these types with the rubber seal taken off)

-every day mix it up with a rubber spatula, then discard enough so that you're left with only 40g of starter

-mix in another 40g of whole wheat flour and 40g of water

-repeat daily until you've got a happy starter

-once the starter is established, store in the fridge between weekly feedings

This is the guide I loosely followed. I tried using just white flour at first but I got a fungus and had to start over, so I would definitely recommend either rye/wheat as he suggests or whole wheat. I just used normal tap water though and it was fine (this guy's guide is kind of extra lol)

I am extremely sensitive to noise. I also work from home, and I'm a severe insomniac as well. I swear by this fan, I run it day and night. My last one lasted many years, and I've just replaced it with the same model a few months ago.

http://www.amazon.com/Lasko-3733-20-Fan-Box/dp/B00002ND67

Since your situation is extremely noisy, more so than mine, it probably won't drown it out completely. You might consider combining with a white noise machine like this, which is also very good:

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/homedics-reg-deep-sleep-i-bedside-portable-sound-machine/1041703953

Stay away from this product. The noise it generates is a nice quality, but the volume is very low so I find it unhelpful:

http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/marpac-dohm-original-sound-conditioner-trade/3263995

And then you could always add in ear plugs. For me they're uncomfortable, but when I lived in an apartment with a heavy footed large man that didn't seem to have the ability to sit still and a set of kids that ran around like fools, desperate times called for desperate measures.

And perhaps another conversation with the neighbor is in order.

Best of luck to you. You have my utmost sympathy.

The real reason you shouldn't get this lunch box is because it isn't big enough for an adult lunch. You can barely fit anything in there.

I personally recommend something larger, but also colorful, like:

https://www.amazon.com/MIER-Cooler-Insulated-Grocery-Camping/dp/B01CV8JH7A/ref=sr_1_31_sspa?keywords=large+colorful+cooler&qid=1567165735&s=home-garden&smid=AOS50KZQHSN13&sr=1-31-spons&psc=1&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUFHSDIxNUlIM1YySDkmZW5jcnlwdGVkSWQ9QTAxNDY1MTNLTVRRTE8zWkdIMVYmZW5jcnlwdGVkQWRJZD1BMDcwMjg4MTIzTk9NUFpMOFdNV0smd2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9idGYmYWN0aW9uPWNsaWNrUmVkaXJlY3QmZG9Ob3RMb2dDbGljaz10cnVl

or

https://www.amazon.com/Cooler-Insulated-Dispensing-Multiple-Pockets-10L/dp/B07GZNJJWQ/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=large%2Bcolorful%2Bcooler&qid=1567165735&s=home-garden&sr=1-1&th=1

Agreed!

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I got this shirt and wear it whenever I can....lots of judgy looks which is amazing. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07582F5Z9/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Thank you for sharing your perspective.

It's been shared here before, but this book provides stories of other folks who share our decision, for those of you embattled with the turkeys.

Look on Amazon. There's a little do-hickey that you can stick the door jamb that works as a lock.

Addalock - (1 Piece) The Original Portable Door Lock, Travel Lock, AirBNB Lock, School Lockdown Lock. PLEASE NOTE: The Genuine Addalock is exclusively sold worldwide only by Rishon Enterprises Inc. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00186URTY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lPIPDbTBPWFXV

https://www.amazon.com/Playing-Sick-Untangling-Munchausen-Malingering/dp/0415949343/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=ZN2STT6PHBVP0N56Q29T

Offers a harrowing look at it from a psychological point of view. It's not something to take lightly as I've seen it first hand within a family when I was teaching. Luckily, there was intervention and prevention by rehoming. It is an insidious and scary situation to be aware of.

I'm not saying that's what your seeing on social media, in regard to that, I would hope their hearts are in the right place overall (even if it's TMI and/or annoying to overshare for pity pts.).

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She's even written a book about it; looks like an interesting read.

Two Is Enough: A Couple's Guide to Living Childless by Choice. http://www.amazon.com/Two-Is-Enough-Couples-Childless/dp/1580052630/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330708559&sr=8-1

I'm reading through this right now and am liking it so far.

Here you go

Edit: fyi they are not quite as accurate as an actual lab test.

I buy the 100 count packs.

Doesn't look as fancy but is cheaper and available now: https://www.amazon.com/SpermCheck®-VASECTOMY-2-Test-Kit/dp/B00KTI0JW2

That's a fertility test, for people who want to get pregnant. The vasectomy ones are far more sensitive, though it doesn't specify what they are rated for.

http://www.amazon.com/SpermCheck%C2%AE-VASECTOMY-2-Test-Kit/dp/B00KTI0JW2/ref=lp_9552109011_1_1?srs=9552109011&ie=UTF8&qid=1452271433&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/SpermCheck%C2%AE-VASECTOMY-2-Test-Kit/dp/B00KTI0JW2/ref=sr_1_2_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1480721631&sr=1-2&keywords=spermcheck+fertility+test

SpermCheck
$60US, pack of two. A small price to pay, IMO.

Edit: formatting because I'm a noob.

I can strongly recommend: Two is Enough which details the Childless by Choice project with interviews of couples in all phases of the decision.

I also read I Hate Other People's Kids which is just funny and terrible stories of dealing with other people's kids (title is a bit self explanatory)

Ugh. I got tested twice after my vasectomy. I should get tested again...

Edit- Hey, I found this. And this indicates it's fairly accurate. Hmm...