Best products from r/datingoverthirty

>Can you recommend any? I would love to read more about this stuff.

The Science of Happily Ever After

https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/dp/037389290X

Full disclosure I haven't yet read it myself it was recommended to me as well. I did my own analysis here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/8gdnip/math_and_why_you_shouldnt_have_50_deal_breakers/

There's also a few ted talks and recommendations in the comments that some people made in that thread.


>Also do you think that stuff like wanting your partner to not be racist or intolerant of other peoples and culture should be basic, therefore not a dealbreaker per se, or should just take up a slot out of the five allowed?

When it comes to the human condition, I'm not sure there's a such thing as basic. I do think "not racist" is a dealbreaker and is one of the 5, but hopefully it isn't one you come across often.

> intolerant of other peoples and culture

It depends what you mean by this. This is probably a discussion for another subreddit, but if you simply mean that you would prefer a partner that accepts the general idea that there are different cultures, and your partner isn't actively spouting slurs, than that's reasonable, and the level of tolerance you prefer need not be a deal breaker, but rather more of a negotiation as the relationship progresses.

I do think there are some though that take this tolerance idea too far as if every culture needs to always be accepted and respected all the time and no critiques are allowed. I think it is perfectly acceptable for example for someone to say "You know, I think Japanese culture in general is too rigid" That's not intolerance, that's a basic observation someone has made given experience with that culture. In addition, if another culture thinks its a good idea to say, practice female genital mutilation, I'm going to have a serious problem and be very critical and intolerant of that culture as a human being.

>One of these is not like the other.

With all due respect, have you dated a horse girl? =)

>So they don't even have a chance to pass through my filter of 5 DBs. Do you feel like this is too much? And why? Statistically, guys with that kind of picture on their profile are more inclined to want a ONS or FWB type thing, which I DO NOT want at all.

Then a shirtless picture becomes a defacto 6th DB. I get what you're saying here and you may be 100% right about those guys, but you may not be. My guess is that those guys would probably trip one of your other deal breakers anyway so I don't think there's a need to have a rather petty "shirtless guys" deal breaker. if they are who you think they are, they'll show it quickly; but if they're not, then who cares if they're not wearing a shirt.

I don't see why you couldn't swipe right and find out. If you don't want a ONS or FWB thing, then don't have one with anyone, whether they are shirtless or wearing a 3 piece suit.

I hope that makes sense.

>Will I though? I'm in therapy because I wish to be a more independent person, and learn to be happy and be content even when I'm alone (not completely, I still have my friends). However, I know we're humans and we need to interact with each other, and to smush our genitals together from time to time (I could have found a better way to put it), but... I would hope to reach the end and be happy even if I end up alone. I understand that it may be different for other people and I totally respect that.

I don't know how it turns out for you; So I'm not sure I can answer any of these questions for you. What I've observed though, is that those that go into their last third of life alone tend to become shut ins and they tend to have more health issues and die sooner, and I have to imagine loneliness is part of the driving factor. Friends are great, but as time goes on, friends tend to fall into their own family structure and have less time for you outside of that structure.

Maybe some can pull off the idea of being happy alone; I know I can't and I won't try to fight that idea. Humans are designed to be social, so much so that we're finding out that the idea of solitary confinement in prisons may actually be considered cruel and unusual punishment. That idea sets me on pause and tells me I don't want to be spending substantial portions of my life alone especially in old age when my body is slowly breaking down.

While there is some argument to be made that one can be social outside of a romantic relationship in old age; I feel as though it is a poor substitute to having someone loving and committed to you at home. In other words, the bingo club doesn't cut it, but that's me, your mileage my vary.

Thank you for a great discussion.

>I wonder if these nagging feelings will continue, and if it’s worth giving up an amazing connection with him to find someone who will be...I suppose easier in the sense that we can experience life together for the first time.

So. OP.

What I see you saying here is that you really care about this guy. He makes you genuinely happy, your relationship is strong, and you could see yourself building a life together.

HOWEVER, there is this issue between you that could potentially break your relationship. And if that happens, you would need to move on from the connection you've found with him. You'd return to the search, hoping to find someone more compatible to share your life with.

Do you see where I'm going with this? You can't imagine how your partner could want to be with you after committing to someone previously, but that's exactly what you're considering here.

Now imagine all this comes to pass. You end the relationship with your partner, you date around a while, and eventually you begin a new relationship with a different man. After being together a year, you're on solid footing and you're even discussing the possibility of marriage and a family together.

Tell me this: what is your take on this hypothetical new guy?

Would you be pining for the man you're with now? Would you be holding up the new guy to a standard he'd never meet? Would you accept his love and devotion begrudgingly while thinking "UGH I guess I'll have to settle for this second-rate knock off! I wish I could be with the love of my life - the one it didn't work out with. Too bad I'm stuck with this dumb fuckface who loves me and wants to see it work."

Or do you believe you could genuinely love again even if you'd cared deeply for someone else before? Even if he wasn't the first guy you'd considered a family with, would you still be excited to see where things went with him? Would you be excited about hitting certain relationship milestones with him?

Now, this isn't to convince you to ditch your current partner and go seek out something else - although obviously that's your call. But I would like you to put yourself in your partner's shoes for a moment.

Other people here have described you as selfish, but I suspect you're just insecure as fuck. You're not concerned that this great guy doesn't measure up to your standards, you're worried that you don't measure up to his. I would suggest that before you chuck an otherwise good relationship, you ask yourself if this is really about his past or if it's more about yours. Is it possible that this situation is just stirring up anxieties that existed before he came along?

If so, the solution will probably involve some self work. You might try journaling, written CBT exercises, working on your confidence, or even seeking out the guidance of a therapist. The change you see from those courses of action are probably going to be a lot quicker and frankly cheaper than cutting ties with a great partner and throwing yourself back out on the dating market hoping to find a partner who doesn't trigger your anxieties in one way or another.

You've got what I call the 30s depression...Office Space perfectly illustrates how many men feel in their 30s...

Fight Club gets it...

If you aren't in the gym lifting weights, I'd highly recommend it.
>I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind. Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind. ~ Henry Rollins, The Iron and The Soul

I know how you feel, we all do...a month off is a long time, especially for those who never get that amount of time off. If you can travel somewhere for a week or two - do it (go overseas, Thailand, Japan, Brazil, etc).

I've always believed everyone needs three things to be happy:

1. Someone to love - that's why we are here, being over 30 makes this even more difficult I know, just keep your mind open and don't waste any opportunities. We are social animals, spend time with friends and family if that's possible.
   
   
2. Something to do - this can be anything, upping your skills for a job (programming, math, reviewing old college text books, studying up on ASME, ASTM standards, etc), exercise (weights, yoga, running), learning a new language (Duolingo can be fun), anything you can think of! Having something with measurable goals can help because achieving something, anything will improve your mood and well being. Just remember - idle hands are the devil's workshop.
   
   
3. Something to look forward to - this can be a vacation (always planning that next vacation gives me a boost), a birthday, an event coming up...anything that you are truly looking forward to! I also link this to hope a little, we all look to the future so it may as well be a bright future. Like I said before, travelling solo is great, you're always on the go, you've got lots to see and do and you can meet a lot of people if you plan it right (check out r/solotravel) and stay and mingle in areas with other traveler's, especially solo travelers (like hostels).
   
   I'd like to recommend two books to help you out, Atomic Habits and Stealing Fire if you're interested in self improvement.

Yeah, you may be getting a bit of a roast because some strangers on the internet think you moved too fast based on a 300-word story you told.

Everyone has things they're bad at and blind spots when it comes to dating and relationships. Those of us who are quicker to feel a connection usually get hurt more often. Those who've learned to protect their hearts more ferociously often struggle with connection in other ways. We're all trying to do our best; we all have things we could probably stand to work on.

But none of that was the point of your post, and I get it. To me, it sounds like your point was: "My personal struggles with dating are causing me a lot of heartache -- is it worth it?" You're the only person who can answer that question for yourself, but let me tell you that BOY can I relate to the feeling.

To connect with another, we have to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable opens us up to being hurt.

Here are a couple of articles about vulnerability. I also highly recommend Brene Brown's now crazy-popular book Daring Greatly. I suspect it's been selling so well because people are suffering from the depressing feeling of disconnection in alarming numbers, and we're desperately trying to figure out how to reconnect with each other. Brown suggests that vulnerability is the key.

I've decided that it's worth it for me. Even though I keep getting hurt, I plan to keep trying. I've learned a crap-ton about myself along the way, and all of it has been invaluable to making me a better person (and possibly a more attractive person). I've learned some ways to reasonably protect my heart even while being vulnerable. I've learned that it pays to choose carefully who you are vulnerable with. I've learned that it's important to set boundaries for yourself and be brave enough to honor them. I've learned that it pays to surround yourself with non-romantic friends and family who reliably build you up and affirm your good qualities ("I'm so proud of you for getting that promotion!" "Your performance was great at last night's open mic!" "I think you're doing a great job raising your daughter.")

You can do it, OP! It sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and it would be a shame for that to go to waste. I wish you all the best.

I'm glad to hear that you show up in your dating life with a positive attitude. And for sure, acceptance of your situation is a positive thing.

However, how you think and speak/write is very important. An assertion like 'I'll be single for a long time' has far more power than you might imagine to keep you from being successful in your search. This may sound very 'woo woo' and there's some of that to my assertion, but there is also a lot of sclence that supports this. This book https://www.amazon.com/Counterclockwise-Mindful-Health-Power-Possibility/dp/0345502043/ touches on this.

How do you know that you won't meet someone during your month off that ends your singlehood? In fact you could make it the focus of the month to meet someone. But when you make that prediction that you'll be single for a long time, you (subconsciously) demotivate yourself to take massive action towards a goal, and you become less open and observant to opportunities and possibilities. And to put it into woo woo terms, you're essentially directing the universe not to assist you in your search to become un-single.

And BTW I disagree with your assertion that you have not control over being single, but that's a whole different discussion :)

​

If you're interested in diving into attachment theory, I'd highly recommend the book Attached.

I've been discussing the book with my therapist after identifying some anxious attachment patterns in myself. I was dating someone who displayed a lot of avoidant attachment behaviors, and reading the chapter about the effect that anxious and avoidant attachment styles have on each other was so enlightening.

To answer your question, I do believe that relationship happiness is absolutely attainable, even for those of us with attachment styles that are not "secure." Like most things worth reaching for in life, it will take some work and dedication. But, really, that could be said to anyone wishing to attain a happy relationship, right?

It's a huge step that you're recognizing and facing these things. That's an important step that many people never reach. I'm a huge fan of therapy/counseling when it comes to this stuff. I don't know where I'd be without it.

I'm working on a similar thing at the moment. I've found a lot of help through reading the book attached

Also, when you feel your thoughts looping, try to stop and acknowledge what is happening. Say something like, “I am preoccupied right now. Thank you brain for showing me I currently needing something I am not providing for myself.”

Then close your eyes, hand on your heart, take a couple of deep breaths, and focus on the exhales.

Once you feel slightly more centred, ask yourself what do I need most in this moment? What am I thinking I need from x person?

Once you get your answer, keep your eyes closed and hand on your heart.

I'm learning that it's best not to engage with the stories of "why" you're feeling a certain way. The WHY will always take you down a rabbit hole and further reinforce your pre-occupation or "gut" feeling. Like someone else posted before me, it doesn't matter either way if you're right or wrong.

It helps more to just feel the feeling that's coming through. Give yourself what you need in that moment. Then feel yourself release whatever feeling that came up. Trust that all will be okay, and that whatever's meant for you will never miss you. Takes some work for sure, but it's helpful when trying to move through those anxious moments :)

It is really, really, really hard to cook efficiently for one.

Some people do meal prep and eat the same thing day after day.

I gave up and use a service that delivers me a cooler full of dinners (not frozen) every week. Freshly would be the national equivalent, but I found their portion sizes to be too small and they use a lot of packaging. I leave a few nights empty so I can go out to dinner on a date if needed.

Even paying someone else to cook for me, the cost per meal is less than what I was spending at the grocery store after waste was accounted for.

I also don't have a dishwasher so I hate involved recipes. If you have a dishwasher, you might have luck with preportioned cooking kits like Blue Apron and the like.

If you don't want to do any of this and still want to shop at the store, I find salads to be the best way to go for scaling things up/down.

Bonus link to the world's loneliest cookbook because I love the cover: https://www.amazon.com/Microwave-Cooking-One-Marie-Smith/dp/1565546660/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=microwave+cooking+for+one&qid=1566792626&s=gateway&sr=8-1

This is part of a series and it kind of broke my heart - but they're all good:

https://www.amazon.com/When-Parents-Forgot-Friends-About/dp/0764131729/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1543117725&sr=8-13&keywords=books+about+divorce+for+young+children

Maybe a bit too young for a 10 yo, esp if your child is a girl.

​

This is great but only for a good 10 yo reader... just deals with grief and tragedy in childhood well:

https://www.amazon.com/Thing-About-Jellyfish-Ali-Benjamin/dp/0316380849/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1543117858&sr=8-10&keywords=books+about+divorce+for+young+children

​

This too. I tried to read it but it broke my heart but it helped my son:

https://www.amazon.com/Things-We-Knew-Catherine-West/dp/0718078101/ref=sr_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1543118051&sr=8-14&keywords=books+about+divorce+for+young+children

​

Edit: Mostly kids feel suddenly like things aren't as they should be and the fictionalized version of this in Young Adult (which is where 10 yos often are now, sadly) has a deep and awesome history going back to Judy Bloom.

Exactly. I don't think you're being manipulative at all. It's reasonable to want to protect yourself emotionally. I do too, and I think most humans do.

If you ever want to talk more, feel free to PM me. It's nice to know that there are others like me too!

> What is your strategy to deal with those feelings?

I don't quite have an answer to this yet, because I'm still trying to develop a strategy. I tried OLD for a few months after moving on from the breakup of an LTR, but after meeting someone I was excited about and having it not work out, I've decided to take a break and focus on myself. I'm currently not dating, either on- or offline. I've been going to therapy to sort through some things (e.g. the seeming disconnect between society's expectations about dating and how I'm wired as a person, and some personal traumas from the past). I try to learn from the posts I find here as well. It's what brought me to yours!

I've seen people recommend the book Attached, both on reddit and elsewhere. It's about adult attachment styles. I haven't read it yet, but I plan to check it out. Maybe you'd find it helpful too!

Edit: Added first couple of sentences

Edit 2: Added link

> People would be less forgiving of romantic errors you should have corrected when you were younger and relationships had lower stakes.

Actually, I find just the opposite. People are less rigid and more forgiving the older you get, because they have more diversity of experiences and don't expect things to go just a certain way.

>I've stopped seeing my therapist due to not being able to afford it anymore.

You could try self-help. I believe it's just as effective as seeing a therapist, if you're motivated (sacrilege, I know). The Happiness Trap is one of my favorite self-therapy books.

not OP but comment is related to attachment styles - this book is a good place to start: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139 But you can also just google "attachment styles" or "attachment theory" for the basics :)

For pictures, I'd suggest removing #2, 4 and 7. The tone and facial expression in them is very negative, even if you weren't meaning it that way. And they don't align with how upbeat your profile is. The remainder are good and show off what you look like, interesting hobbies, etc. If you want to add a few more photos, have a friend take some. Or invest in a cheap tripod from amazon that you can use with your phone and a bluetooth remote. It's much better than selfies or pictures where you're holding your phone in front of your face.

As for your profile, I'd change the first section. It really doesn't tell anything specific about you or hook the reader in to want to know more. It doesn't capture a good picture of who you are. Think: how would people describe you? What type of personality do you have? What are some things you value in life? How are you different than all the other women on OKC? What makes you yourself?

The second paragraph would be great under the 'You should message me if' section. When a list of wants is thrown in as the second thing someone reads, it can be a turn-off. Let that section be about you.

Another thing to look out for is how often you use words like 'love', 'great', 'passion', etc. I'm definitely guilty of this too. But when you overuse those words and everything is great, awesome, spectacular, it loses its effect. There are other ways to start your sentences and denote passion.

There are a lot of good one-liners that add some color, and I'd advise keeping them in, but overall I don't get a good sense of who you are. I get a sense of the things you are into, but not you.

Edit: Have you changed your search settings to look at other women's profiles from your same area and in your age range? That can give you a few ideas of ways to tweak yours and how they approach writing about themselves.

I wonder if this book by Brene Brown would be helpful for you. Her ted talks are also really great, and an easy place to start :)

I usually use pics that other people have taken for me randomly on trips.

The exact selfie stick that I have isn't available anymore, but it's something like this: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07HF12Y2L/ref=sspa_dk_detail_1?psc=1&pd_rd_i=B07HF12Y2L&pd_rd_w=ecDhl&pf_rd_p=c83c55b0-5d97-454a-a592-a891098a9709&pd_rd_wg=ssFrj&pf_rd_r=VGJT0WVYBTBJW50MA90H&pd_rd_r=0cd33742-883f-44fd-860b-f0b358e98ad2&spLa=ZW5jcnlwdGVkUXVhbGlmaWVyPUExUEdQRkpUNzdJWlpUJmVuY3J5cHRlZElkPUEwNDEyNzE2MUZXNFJZRDM2WlBOVSZlbmNyeXB0ZWRBZElkPUEwNzI1MzQ0MUxDMDdMQ0FTV0pTWiZ3aWRnZXROYW1lPXNwX2RldGFpbF90aGVtYXRpYyZhY3Rpb249Y2xpY2tSZWRpcmVjdCZkb05vdExvZ0NsaWNrPXRydWU=

If you do buy one of them, check it out to make sure the tripod part isn't too flimsy. Had that issue with one of them

Not saying this will solve everything but I do think it's a nice way to get a portrait shot with more of the background than a regular selfie without having to ask someone else.

You show vulnerability by ... being vulnerable.

You say you don't kiss on the first date because you're too afraid of rejection. And you said your decisions regarding sex in your 20s led to heartache and you're not eager to repeat them.

Do you see what I'm getting at here? You ask "How do I show vulnerability?" but then point out that you don't want to be vulnerable.

Read Daring Greatly. It's a great look at how you being vulnerable takes courage. And you achieve great emotional intimacy by willing to be vulnerable.

>I don't understand the meaning of a casual relationship

Is that what she offered you? If so, your reaction to this episode shows that you are not cut out for one, at least with someone to whom you are physically and mentally attracted.

>My excitement looks like clingyness and I always fuck up potential relationships.

Have you read Models yet?

RE: your title

Dude, you've spent most of your life single. Receiving 'good morning' and 'goodnight' texts was a temporary novelty. You can do fine without them. For most guys, 'single' is the default mode - [re]learn to thrive in it.

​

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_W1bMBb86QK8MV

Determine your attachment style. You may be hurting the same way because of something inside you.

And therapy can’t be skipped. Maybe you’re subconsciously creating similar scenarios a parent pushed upon you.

Let me clarify:
Someone who doesn't have a job "right now" isn't necessarily a loser. Someone who doesn't have a clear career path or goals certainly isn't a loser (I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up).

Someone who is 42, hasn't held a job for more than 6 months, lives in mom's basement - those might be flags to some of us that they have some maturity issues an aren't necessarily as well equipped for a relationship compared to someone that has other indicators of personal and financial success.

There are rich, successful, horribly abusive people out there.

Find your own filter...
There's a good book on what to look for in a perspective partner:
https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/dp/037389290X

This one?

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_v2KJDbC7S3HCT

That's great news, all of it! The fact that she owned up and apologised says very good things about her character, and hey, even if it doesn't work out there's clearly plenty of other fish.

Somewhat out of the blue, but you mention that you both did things you regretted... I recently read a book called Daring Greatly and it was a massive help to me to understand some of my behaviours and what to do about them. It's about vulnerability and shame. It sounds a bit hippy self-helpy, but the author is an academic researcher and it's solid stuff. I plug it to everyone I meet because I think it's really helpful.

Here’s a good book on the subject of adult attachment style: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_ . It’s helpful to become aware of your own style and to be able to recognize others so you can try to work with them or end the relationship. As Kenny Rogers said: You've got to know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, And know when to run.

Me too, though I was able to find a very reasonable light set on amazon for $20. Works great!

​

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01FZ5H124/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Agreed that you sound like a good person. Depression is terrible, and as hard as it might be, I wouldn't take any of his behavior too personally. It's such a painful and life-sucking thing to experience that it can be difficult to be anything other than aloof and inconsiderate.

As someone else said, dial it down a bit, but keep in contact. I'm sure he appreciates your presence and doesn't want you to leave, or anything. I'm getting into the mental health field starting this fall, and if he's not familiar with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), see if he can find a therapist who specializes in it. Many people find David Burns' CBT books very helpful as well (Feeling Good, When Panic Attacks) if you want to get him a copy.

Sounds like anxious attachment style to me. If you enjoy reading, take a gander at Attached

I feel your pain. Never expected to worry about acne and wrinkles at the same time. Earlier this year I found a great one that doesn't break me out. I've used several made specifically for the face that say non-comedogenic, and they still fucked with my skin. I've been using Sunprise Mild Airy Finish for several months and it's fantastic - can't feel or see it. It's SPF 50 and $10 on Amazon. South Korea makes fantastic sunscreen. https://www.amazon.com/Etude-House-Sunprise-Finish-SPF50/dp/B00WE3XGAC

Have you read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find — and Keep — Love?

>I've only encountered attachment styles in this sub

Have you tried reading a book

Anxiously attached psychologist here

Please read Attached if you haven’t already

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

Good_Taco - read this book.

r/https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139

At this point, you're basically masturbating with anxiety. So knock it off and treat the problem. This is not the guy's fault and he cannot fix it for you, so quit wanting him to. Help yourself.

Get this book: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

When you're freaking out, read it.

When you're tempted to text him for reassurance, read it.

By the time you finish it, two things will have happened. You will understand yourself better. And you will have functionally "chilled out" by distracting yourself and not indulging in the destructive urge to waterboard your partner with requests for reassurance.

Will you be with him next week, next month, next year? None of us know. But keeping up this behavior is a surefire method for not only driving mentally healthy people away, but making certain you'll never emotionally mature. You cannot erase your fear by smothering others. Stop seeking to.

I've recommended this book about a billion times, sorry if it's getting boring.

I'm very anxious in relationships. I drove myself mad with a new guy in January and wanted to stop doing it to myself. Some internet reading led me to attachment theory in adults and eventually the book. I can't recommend it enough.