(Part 2) Best products from r/datingoverthirty

>Now that I’m in my thirties and realize I don’t have much time left to have young energetic sex

First off, this has not been my experience. If you've got a high libido like your post suggests, there's no reason to believe you won't be capable of fucking your partners senseless years from now.

>I’ve read countless posts on here that women assume something must be wrong with a guy for going so long without a consistent sex life or a relationship and that he must not enjoy sex

All of us are walking around with one or more potential deal breakers. That can make dating more challenging, but it doesn't make it impossible.

• This sub has regulars who don't want to date late bloomers. And there are plenty of late bloomers who are dating successfully.
  
• This sub has regulars who don't want to date single parents. And there are plenty of single parents who are dating successfully.
  
• This sub has regulars who don't want to date anyone looking for a casual relationship. And there are plenty of people who are dating casually.
  
• This sub has regulars who don't want to date separated people. And there are plenty of separated people who are dating successfully.
  
  You're also not someone I'd categorize as inexperienced. From the sounds of it, you've had a relationship when you were younger and then multiple sexual encounters since. You're high-libido and eager to please, you just haven't had the chance to use that beautiful libido in a recent long term relationship.
  
  I'm with the other commenters here: it sounds like the issue isn't your level of experience, it's your anxiety about your level of experience.
  
  You mention that women are going to flee when they pick up on your lack of experience, but how exactly is that going to happen? Are you writing your profiles putting your anxieties front and center?
  
  My name is NayaBeatz. I enjoy long hikes, Breaking Bad reruns, and the gnawing sense of self loathing that comes from not having slept with anyone recently in the context of a long term relationship and OH GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?! And no one will ever love me and life is an inescapable cycle of defeat and must love dogs!
  
  Of course not! It might feel like your history is branded on you like the Mark of Cain, but no one fucking knows and plenty of them wouldn't even care. When you discuss your history, you're free to say "Yeah, I had a relationship when I was younger but I haven't found anything long term in recent years. I'm definitely hoping to meet the right person, but it takes time, yanno?"
  
  That shit might feel epic to you, but your dates aren't going to crawl up inside your skull and live through all your self-doubt and emotional turmoil.
  
  People care about your history because of where it puts you now. You've got anxiety, but so do plenty of people. You know how to fuck, you prioritize your partner's pleasure, and you're looking for connection. Plenty of women would find that appealing!
  
  It's important to remember that there's a lot that comes between meeting someone and meating someone. You mention that you're not sure how to flirt and that your relationships tend to end after a few weeks. That sounds less like a fucking issue and more like a flirting/communicating interest/establishing emotional rapport issue. You an work on that by continuing to work on your insecurities, go on dates, and self reflect after. Assuming you can get that down, you'll go a long way to laying the groundwork for mutually satisfying, passionate sex.
  
  I won't speak for the other women here, but when it comes to sex itself, some awkwardness at the beginning is expected. Even if you've been going to Pound Town for years, everyone has different likes and dislikes, and it can take a couple sessions to find your groove. As long as that awkwardness isn't just garden variety selfishness, being totally emotionally closed off, or trying to do physically painful/annoying shit like twisting my nipples like radio dials, there's a fair amount of slack.
  
  I like to think of awkward early-relationship sex like going to the grocery store: it's not something that sounds fun on its own, but if I get to do it with someone I like I am going to have a great time!
  
  You mention at the beginning of your post that you have historically been "shy, insecure, unconfident." It sounds like you withdrew from sex as a self-protective mechanism. Reading your subsequent comments in which you focus exclusively on the messages telling you how doomed you are and how worthless it is to even try therapy, I wonder if your self talk around your sexual history (as opposed to your interpersonal skills) aren't another way to self-sabotage so you can protect yourself.
  
  If you don't have the money for therapy (or you're just reluctant to get into this topic with a therapist) I would highly suggest the written exercises from Feeling Good by Dr. Burns. You can buy used copies for cheap online, and then the investment is just the cost of paper and pens and 20 or so minutes a night. I used those exercises some years back when I was dealing with anxiety issues, and it was surprisingly helpful.
  
  Finally, you mentioned abstaining from masturbation as part of breaking away from porn. Don't underestimate the power of sexual frustration to fuck with your headspace. It sounds like you're making a positive change in your life, but go easy on yourself while you're completing your reset. Things may feel a lot less dire once you're on the other side of this and able to take the edge off again.
  
  Good luck OP. It sounds like you're in the midst making positive changes for your life. I hope you continue to progress and find the kind of relationships you're looking for.

I think that you're going to have to try a bunch of things and see what you enjoy. It sounds like you haven't had the opportunity or drive to develop outside hobbies, and I'm going to venture a guess that during primary and secondary school you were raised in a culture that encouraged studying and very little else. So, now's the time to figure out what you like.

If you're somewhat into reading, I'd recommend The Girly Book Club. I'm a part of my local chapter, and it's a great way to meet fellow introverts and make some friends. Looks like there's a local chapter in Stuttgart: https://www.meetup.com/The-Stuttgart-Girly-Book-Club/.

Others have already mentioned using Meetup.com to find some groups you can join. Here is the link to the Leipzig, Germany meetup groups. Pick a few that sound interesting to try out.

Other ideas would be finding an organization on campus to get involved in--it could be related to an interest or career development. Volunteer somewhere for a cause that interests you, such as helping at an animal shelter since you love dogs. Take fitness classes or local cooking classes. Pick up photography. Learn to go hiking. Go geocaching. You can do a quick Google search for hobby ideas to get a list of things, and then try the ones that sound somewhat interesting to you. Also try a few things that you normally wouldn't--you never know what you might like!

As for the social skills, the good news is that they're skills and so you can learn and improve if you set your mind to it. There are videos, books and articles about things like body language, how to be a good conversationalist, how to connect with people more easily. Pick up a copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People. It's a classic for a reason. How to Talk to Anyone is also a good read.

uuu uuu one I can help on...
u/wmfj I'll add in a lot of details here.

I have been meditating now for about 5 or 6 years and have worked alongside Theravada Buddhists to better understand my practice. Meditation is not about exploring your feeling as much as it is about helping you form new habits. That is what the Eight-fold Noble Path is all about, good habits.

The goal of meditation is to help you be “mindful.” To slow your mind down and focus on the here and now. So think about “right speech.” This is just an example for illustration purposes; I am not saying you are doing this. While talking to some lovely lady you begin to realize you were negative about something and it is turning her off. So you make an adjustment. Developing the habit of not speaking negative about things is a priority but first you have to realize you are doing it and then slowdown in order to stop it and be more thoughtful of what you are saying. This is the essence of mindfulness and Buddhism. It takes time to achieve everything that meditation should achieve, and everyone is different. So how long it will take you to benefit is really up to you.

The guided meditations on this site were used on studies that helped people deal with anxiety and a lot of other issues. The breath and the loving kindness mediations are the ones that are best to start with.

http://marc.ucla.edu/default.cfm?id=1

Personally, I do prefer this one though, it is more in line with the original Pali

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

One of the best books on meditation is Mindfulness in Plain English.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003XF1LKW/ref=oh_aui_d_detailpage_o00_?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Exercise will help too, both to impress the ladies with a hot bod and with social anxiety. Once you get over social anxiety and learn to go with the flow, meeting people will become more and more natural, to include women. This last part is what I have been working on the past year as far as my self-improvement plan and it is paying massive dividends. Not that I’m getting laid on the regular but I know I am getting closer to what I want which is a long term relationship.

I think you all the other advice here has you covered especially u/bunilde. Good luck

I'm quite codependent as well! I'll copy one of my highest pointed comments below, but let me know if you have any questions!

---

When you are ignored by a person whose attention means the most to you the reaction in your brain will be similar to physical pain, and this feeling is even greater in people identifying as having 'Codependent' personalities:

From this page:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-documents/patternsPage/ and the cached version

Excerpts:

• I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  
• My unselfishness is often misconstrued or misperceived with negative results.
  
• I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  
• I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  
• I compromise my own values and integrity too much, to avoid rejection or anger.
  
• I put aside my own interests too much in order to do what others want.
  
• I think 'The more I suffer, the more it shows I really care'.
  
• I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked, and,
  
• I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  
• I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  
• I can defiantly take care of myself without any help from others, but,
  
• I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  
• I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  
• I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve, but,
  
• I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  
  Some things to consider:
  
  
• For those of you who are thinking that these excerpts apply to you, click on the link and check the full list. If some most of them apply to you, do some research on your own, whether that's a coda meeting, buying a book, or just reading some more literature. I know you'll feel a lot better soon.
  
  
• I have felt more caring and compassion at CoDA meetings than I ever have with most people. We're nice, we promise!
  
  
• Most people deal with their codependency with a particular drug of choice, whether it's liquor, wine, beer, porn, coke, pot, food, or exercise. Honesty time: Mine is food.
  
  
• So, either type of Jameson (Jenna or liquor) listed elsewhere in this comment section may help cover up those feelings, but only for a bit.
  
  
• As for God: All that's required is just a 'higher power'. I'm an atheist; I still go. I replace it with 'Nature' or 'The Universe'. Anyone who admonishes you for not believing in their God is acting inappropriately, really. Really.
  
  
• A great book, it really helped me: Codependent No More
  
  
• This does not demonize consideration or empathy. People who are codependent can't help feeling this way, to a fault. We 'help until it hurts', and we can't stop. A balance is crucial, and the program is helping me find the right balance.
  
  
• If you don't feel this way, please don't criticize those who do. Everyone is different and everyone has things they already have a good balance with.
  
  
• A $20 book or an hour long meeting is a small commitment to potentially discover something incredible about yourself, even if you decide afterwards that it doesn't apply.

I have two tool suggestions that are in the "stuff that I want but costs too much to justify" category, which makes for a perfect gift.

A set of GearWrenchs. You can go just metric if you want, because that's pretty much every motorcycle. But you gotta peek in the toolbox and make sure he doesn't have a set, and stick to the GearWrench brand.

Second, which may require a little more leg work, is a 3/8" ratchet from Matco or Snap-On. To come in on budget, you may have to trawl ebay or pawn shops for lightly used ones, which is fine because they have a lifetime warranty. These are professional grade hand tools for people who work with them every day, that most shadetree guys won't buy because the prospect of a $100 ratchet is unjustifiable. Therefore, perfect gift! Here's a good example. The Matco 88 tooth ratchets are the shit.

You've got what I call the 30s depression...Office Space perfectly illustrates how many men feel in their 30s...

Fight Club gets it...

If you aren't in the gym lifting weights, I'd highly recommend it.
>I see them move from their offices to their cars and on to their suburban homes. They stress out constantly, they lose sleep, they eat badly. And they behave badly. Their egos run wild; they become motivated by that which will eventually give them a massive stroke. They need the Iron Mind. Through the years, I have combined meditation, action, and the Iron into a single strength. I believe that when the body is strong, the mind thinks strong thoughts. Time spent away from the Iron makes my mind degenerate. I wallow in a thick depression. My body shuts down my mind. ~ Henry Rollins, The Iron and The Soul

I know how you feel, we all do...a month off is a long time, especially for those who never get that amount of time off. If you can travel somewhere for a week or two - do it (go overseas, Thailand, Japan, Brazil, etc).

I've always believed everyone needs three things to be happy:

1. Someone to love - that's why we are here, being over 30 makes this even more difficult I know, just keep your mind open and don't waste any opportunities. We are social animals, spend time with friends and family if that's possible.
   
   
2. Something to do - this can be anything, upping your skills for a job (programming, math, reviewing old college text books, studying up on ASME, ASTM standards, etc), exercise (weights, yoga, running), learning a new language (Duolingo can be fun), anything you can think of! Having something with measurable goals can help because achieving something, anything will improve your mood and well being. Just remember - idle hands are the devil's workshop.
   
   
3. Something to look forward to - this can be a vacation (always planning that next vacation gives me a boost), a birthday, an event coming up...anything that you are truly looking forward to! I also link this to hope a little, we all look to the future so it may as well be a bright future. Like I said before, travelling solo is great, you're always on the go, you've got lots to see and do and you can meet a lot of people if you plan it right (check out r/solotravel) and stay and mingle in areas with other traveler's, especially solo travelers (like hostels).
   
   I'd like to recommend two books to help you out, Atomic Habits and Stealing Fire if you're interested in self improvement.

I'm a HUGE fan of the Four Man Plan by Cindy Lu. It's a logical and simple approach, basically coming down to not putting all your eggs in one basket and dating (but not sleeping with) multiple people prevents you from getting clingy and too attached to one. She addresses how to approach the "dating other people" and other situations in her book. Very healthy approach if it's done right and honestly.

While I'm on the subject of books that have helped me in my dating life, another great book is You Lost Him At Hello by Jess McCann. She compares dating to sales -- whether we like it or not, we are selling ourselves in dating! This is where I started learning that like anything, dating is a numbers game. YLHAH was actually the first book I read on this topic, randomly and skeptically picked up at the library, that started my journey of learning about dating and relationships. Over the past 4 years I've read 30-40 books on dating, attraction, and male/female relationships and these are 2 of my top 3 books I'd recommend. The 3rd is The Science of Happily Ever After by Dr Ty Tashiro.

Have these books helped me? Yes! I recently ended a healthy and happy 3 year relationship with a wonderful man, because although I loved him deeply, I was not in love with him. Now that I'm dating again I can absolutely say that my personal development has given me a much healthier approach to dating than I used to have.

Listen, it was a joke, and you didn't think it was funny, I'm sorry. I do not think you should be arrested. I hope you do not get arrested. I hope you figure this out as it will improve your life tremendously.

Other posters validated that it's unkind for someone to ignore your text for days and I agree. But your reactions to non-responses, late responses or anything that could be considered a brush off is way over the top. And judging from your responses to other comments, you seem to be aware of your issues, and I think that's really cool because there is no improvement without self-awareness.

I'm a woman, and I haven't dealt with feelings of anger over (what I perceived to be) lazy or inconsiderate communication, but I have felt bad about it at some points. Mostly, I've been on the receiving end of (what I think is) excessive texting. Browse this sub long enough and there are tons of conversations about navigating communication in early dating.

I noticed in other comments that you seemed open to advice, so if I'd okay, I'd like to offer some (consider it an olive branch for my FBI comment.) I read back into your post history and I see that you're into Stoicism, which is cool and will help you a lot. My favorite form of therapy (I'm of the mind that everyone could use some therapy) is DBT. It's straightforward, skills-based and useful in the real world. I think you'd like the concept of its utilitarianism. It actually has a lot of similarities with Stoicism! Reddit thread in /r/Stoicism about it, actually- specifically radical acceptance.

DBT has a principle called "radical acceptance" that is directly in line with a lot of Stoic principles. I would seriously suggest you check out the concept online or buy a book or two. There are DBT books specifically for Anger Management, but anything on emotional regulation will do.

This book is neither on stoicism or DBT (or Buddhism), but I like it a lot regardless. The author has a good website too and cites from other sources. The author has a website too, in case you don't feel like ordering self-help books on Amazon like 👀some of us👀 Maybe read points 3 and 4 and sit on that. Here's a tl;dr of the philosophy I'm suggesting, I think points 3-5 would directly benefit you. Another, Tara Brach, author/PHD psychologist who is a practicing Buddhist has a bunch of books radical acceptance/Buddhism/mindfulness but I do think you'll find them more female-oriented. I would stick with Eric Barker (mentioned above) and maybe Alain de Botton if you jive with Barker's ideas.

I'm sure this wasn't the response you were expecting, but I do hope you manage to deal with these feelings. Always happy to talk about these ideas further.

I'm sorry.

Chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.

I went back and read the other posts you wrote on this guy and it's not like I'm the big expert or anything but from the first date it just sounded like he just wasn't that into you (paraphrasing Greg Behrendt, btw I have recommended his book so many times it's like a broken record now...)

Notwithstanding all the guys here who are stating how much they would LOVE it if the girl made the first move and was proactive and aggressive... I'm here in my mid 50s to tell you that they might LOVE it if the girl made the first move and so on, there are outliers for sure, but bottom line is that males are hard wired to be the pursuers when it comes to women. They don't want the low hanging fruit - they want the shiny apple at the top of the tree.

I cringed as I read your posts because I've made the same mistakes too.

Buying him gifts when we aren't exclusive. Yup.

Proactively texting or reaching out - BTDT

Agonizing and ruminating about some breadcrumb guy for weeks.

Stalking him on his SM and obsessively checking to see if he's logged in to whatever dating app he's on. (Of course it goes without saying that he never did send me a friend request and at least I was smart enough not to send HIM one.)

If I hadn't been kissed by Date 2, I would move on.

Clearly he was fine spending time with you, but you weren't his oyster. But he didn't have the balls to tell you. Rejecting someone is even more difficult than being rejected. IMO that's why so many people ghost. I used to ghost too, but I realized that it's far kinder to tell the guy, often face to face, thanking him for meeting me but I'm just not feeling a romantic connection.

While you're on your dating sabbatical, you might want to do a bit of reading. I love recommending books that I've found personally helpful!

1. How to be Single and Happy just finished reading this one and it knocked my socks off!!!
   
   https://www.amazon.com/How-Single-Happy-Science-Based-Strategies/dp/0143130994
   
   
2. Hes Just Not That Into You and Its Just a Fucking Date by Greg Behrendt. You want a book by a real guy. Here it is! The title put me off reading it for a long time, but it's well worth it and stood the test of time for years since its publication (note the movie is NOT THE SAME AS THE BOOK.)
   
   
3. Love Factually by Duana Welch (and the sequel recently released). Why we do what we do when it comes to mating. Science based.
   
   Good luck to you!

Yeah, I think the likelihood of changing one's views on these things all come down to the "why" of those views. Like, why doesn't any given person want to get married again? Why doesn't any given person want to live with a partner again? I think, for many, if the reasoning is fear-based (ie, "I was burned on this once somehow, and don't want that to happen again.") changing their mind with time and distance from that situation, combined with other, more positive experience, may happen.

For others, it may be less likely.

I don't see myself changing my view on remarrying. One of the biggest things I learned during the 11 years I was married was that I don't actually believe in marriage. I got married at 20, and honestly had no idea what marriage even was. As I went through college, and learned more about the history of the institution, it just felt like a bad fit for me. I'm an atheist, so any religious aspects don't resonate. I don't buy for a minute that a marriage is more serious than any other good relationship (see for example: gay couples until several years ago). Historically, marriage was basically used to trade women like property and as a means of either keeping or distributing family influence or power. As a feminist, and a member of the 21st century, that feels icky to me.

I love, love. I love relationships. I love sharing life together. I live with my partner, who, not at all coincidentally, doesn't believe in marriage either. One of the best conversations we've had, which was, I believe, on our 3rd or 4th date, was why we don't believe in marriage. We both have different reasons, but they're all philosophical, not fear-based. It feels well thought out. (And because someone always has to bring this up, yes, I'm aware of the legal differences. Our attorneys have done a great job taking care of us in that respect. We also recommend this book.)

After being single about 8 years, I recently married a beautiful, amazing woman who also happens to be living with cancer (we've been married 45 days!). Her dating profile mentioned "serious health problems," and at our first date, after an amazing 2+ hour conversation and the strongest connection I've ever felt on a date, she told me that she was living with stage 4 breast cancer (stage 1 dx 2011, stage 4 2014). I told her I wouldn't treat her any differently than anyone else because of this, and I didn't. We waited longer than either of us normally had to become intimate, not because of body issues but because we wanted to make sure the connection we had wasn't artificially influenced by sex. Turned out we're more compatible than anyone else we've ever been with - we just like the same things - which is a nice cherry on top of her being the smartest, funniest and most extraordinary woman I've ever met.

So - she had already been living with the aftermath of her surgeries for a while when we met, and had been in a couple other dating relationships. She had the expected anxiety about possible rejection due to body issues. We talked about it before ever having sex - things like reduced sensitivity in some spots, etc. These were just things to work around; speedbumps, not roadblocks.

I'm telling you the above just so you know it's not impossible to find love in your situation. It is also possible to just find a hookup if that's what you were after. She was afraid she wouldn't find someone that wanted to be with her due to her prognosis - but she is the love of my life, and I don't care how long it is, I want to be with her every moment that we can.

The book below is one that she read that helped her get back into the dating world after her surgeries, and she highly recommends it.

"Intimacy After Breast Cancer: Dealing With Your Body, Relationships and Sex" by Gina Maisano
https://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-After-Breast-Cancer-Relationships/dp/0757003249/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1485053705&sr=8-1&keywords=intimacy+after+breast+cancer

Hope it helps!

Still haven’t been able to get back to running yet but my Achilles tendinitis has greatly improved so maybe soon. I’m in PT and try to do all my exercises and stretches daily.

My meal prep containers arrived from Amazon so I’m super excited about that. I stayed up late making a double batch of red beans and rice. I’ll start learning more and tinkering and figuring out what works for me with meal prep.

And I have a (6th) date with Lamb Chops tonight. I’m bringing over some red beans and rice and he is making corn bread. He’s always cooking for me so this is my chance to finally show off my cooking skills and feed him. :D Things are really well and I’m starting to get a bf/gf vibe from us. We didn’t have plans this weekend but I got texts Saturday morning letting me know how much fun he had Friday, including a video. Lol. And we texted through the day Saturday. That’s new for us as we don’t text much.

Oh and I got a bunch of Smartwool socks and other stuff on discount that’s arriving today! So a bunch of happy but low key stuff for me lately. :)

ETA to add link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B072B9F7W4/ref=ya_aw_od_pi?ie=UTF8&psc=1 and https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0742KGQG8/ref=pd_aw_fbt_79_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=QJ34TKJT41BQ2SV3NXP8

I don't know whether to be happy or not (even tho it's Thurs). In the NE, with this weather we're having this week, it's difficult to function; I can't even think straight this morning; and I have to get ready for work—stat! The good news is, today we have a reprieve (of a sorts), as it's slightly cooler and overcast. Also, after buying three "modern" table lamps for my new apt over the last month, I am almost completely set up to read, study, write, and edit at the drop of a hat, with perfect lighting, at any time, day or night. (Yes, that's a goal.)

Dating, unfortunately, is completely on the back burner. Still haven't called it quits with my PT GF. We are supposed to talk on the phone this weekend. That's the closest she's willing to get. (That should say something right there, eh?) There is a meetup on Saturday that I desperately want to go to, run by M, who is famously social, fun, and sexy, and to whose meetups dozens of people my age regularly flock. However, the timing is bad: smack dab in the middle of the worst heat index time frame prediction of the entire week; so I'm not going—too dangerous for my health.

In other good news, I got my car back from the shop ($2,000, but the 80,000-mile maintenance found some problems)—yay, and the stereo system in my new apt is finally wired for Airplay in all of the four big rooms. Four months on, my new apt is very close to being perfect.

Hopefully I can work on the novel and get some cleaning done while staying in during the weekend's heat wave.

A bit lonely, but happy to be listening to Bartok Quartets today, and thrilled with the purchase of Elements of Architecture from the Strand in NYC recently, one of the best books I've ever purchased. Yes, expensive, but at over 2000 pages, the price per page is a steal!!

So I have this card game thing based on Chuck Klosterman's essay about weird questions to ask people that are better than small talk. For a while I started using questions from this game as openers. I wouldn't say it was super successful, but at least it was different. Small tangent: I sent one of these to a girl on OKC once and she came right out of the gate at me aggressively asking if how the other women I send the same thing to respond. We ended up having an exchange in the vein of maybe dating might be more fun and fruitful if you didn't go around immediately treating every guy like he's an asshole that deserves to be smacked down. The convo ended friendly and with a better understanding of each other, but she also successfully locked herself in as a "fuck no".

> Wonder why that awesome guy might not be messaging you? Maybe he's too worried he'll come off as a creep, or his bumbling nervous opener will be posted to a site and mocked mercilessly, even though he's just trying his best.

Thanks for mentioning this. I have felt similar things reading this sub, myself.