(Part 2) Best products from r/depression

It took a few days, but I'm back.

Thanks for the detail. The style of the wording tells me a lot about where you are, so no apologies needed.

Earlier, even without this information, I sensed a fundamental goodness in your heartfelt desire for something better. With this note, you've given expression to that in the things that you want:

• the dignity of being a breadwinner,
  
• the self-respect of having a space of your own, and
  
• the joy of love.
  
  So, here are my thoughts. But first, a little background …
  
  At 24, like you, I found that some people seemed to have the capacity, confidence, and social skills to find meaningful work, to build a life, and to attract love, but I didn’t find that in myself. Even when an opportunity seemed to be going well for a while, a simple misreading of the reality of a situation (or a person’s words or gestures) could instantly sabotage me, depriving me of a fighting chance (it seemed) to get any traction at all on life.
  
  After some time, I began to sense that my "eternal optimism" was a bit misguided, that “maybe I’ll get it right next time” was more like the thinking of a gambler resolved to recoup his losses on the next throw of the dice, rather than part of an informed, systematic process for learning and consistently getting better and better at life.
  
  It took me decades to realize that everyone struggles, that I was lost in a distorted reality, seeing only the deepening chasm between what seemed like most peoples' "on track” lives and my own negative vision of myself. It was as if I could only see their “highlights” and my own “bloopers” but regarded both as equivalent realities.
  
  I finally discovered that “their” best was usually the result of good role models and good early training, and that such life skills could also be learned (by me!) later in life. In fact, those who figure it out later, rather than just acting on well-trained instincts, very quickly rise to meet a bar that had looked unattainable, and to move forward beyond with the advantage of understanding.
  
  I am writing this note to you, at this moment, because I happened to see your posting on r/all. It occurred to me that I could help another young man, like my past self, to zoom past the two lost decades it took me to get it right. I’m aware of how long this comment is becoming, but I would urge you to hang in there and not to scan. You’re half-way through!
  
  To get “there”, to a “life fully realized”, I would advise you to do three things, preceded by a “step 0" that will remove obstacles to doing those things:
  
  Step 0: Remove whatever obstacles to success that you can.
  See a physician for a checkup, just to make sure there’s no underlying physical causes of this mental slump. Mention that your life situation has caused you to slip into depression, that you have a plan for moving forward with your life, but it will require the motivation and the will of a healthy mind, and that you need a referral to a counselor to get you past the depression and stay on track, and that you’d also like some medication for depression while you traverse this process.
  
  (The medication that will work for you will be different than for others, and counselors vary in competence and and temperament. Just work through it, don’t judge yourself or the process, don't stay with what doesn't work, and don't give up. It probably won't be that hard. It will work. And most people feel that, once the depressed mind is on medication, it is the “real” them. If you can’t afford a counselor, the medication will help you get through to a better place where you can.)
  
  Step 0.5: Be discreet.
  Other than your physician and therapist, don’t tell anyone about such plans. That probably sounds strange, but I have discovered — and have also read that it is one of the great secrets of really accomplished and fulfilled men and women — that sharing with others your plans to make life-transforming changes has two downsides:
  (a) The input of others can be, at worst, a discouragement; and at best, a distraction from the laser-focus you’ll need to make it happen, and
  (b) sharing something that will impress others gives you a small moment of satisfaction that cools the burning passion that your goal-setting self will need in order to succeed. To keep the fire burning, keep it to yourself.
  
  The upshot of all this is that a little medical/ psychological help will get you past the things you can’t control and bring you into the realm of things you can choose to do to become very accomplished in all of those things that are important to you …
  
  Step 1: Get centered.
  Your regrets (of the past) and your worries (about the future) are experienced physically as tension and mentally as a brain unable to function with facility in a world where it doesn’t feel safe and fears what could happen if it lets down its guard.
  
  Meanwhile, your body is here in the present, where your mind functions best. To bring mind and body together all in the same place (the definition of “centering”) as the single powerful machine they are meant to be, try the one-minute centering exercise. This is a script that you can record and then play back while you do a one-minute meditation exercise with your eyes closed.
  
  You can do this exercise daily, if you wish. It will teach you new habits of responding to negative thoughts by moving to center. You’ll become much more comfortable in your own skin.
  
  Longer-term, it would be a great idea to make staying “centered” a bigger part of your life. Yoga or one of the martial arts are perfect for this. (I’m partial to Aikido.)
  
  Step 2: Turn outside of yourself.
  Human beings are wired to experience joy when serving others and to wither when they focus only on themselves. Consider scheduling a spot on a Saturday service project, like building something for Habitat for Humanity.
  
  It doesn't matter what the organization or project is; as long as you are focused outside of yourself on serving others, you cannot but experience the joy of that human connection.
  
  Make it a regular practice to join up with such special projects. And let it grown on you so that it becomes your habit to serve others under all conditions. The joy that you experience will come from focusing outside of yourself.
  
  It will also create in you a center of attraction such that others will want to be around you. This will happen once you develop habits of centering and of turning outward.
  
  Step 3: Learn the learnable social skills.
  You can learn specific skills that will improve your interactions with others and prevent you from making social blunders that undermine relationships. You can learn these from a book.
  
  You’ll experience the transformation you want in your relationships if you can
  (a) be patient enough to read a short chapter each week and then practice the skill during the week that follows, and
  (b) be persistent enough to read a new chapter (and to acquire a new skill) each week.
  
  (This may not seem possible right now. So wait to get the book until you’ve seen the doctor and gotten some medical help to get past the depression. From that new vantage, you’ll be able to summon up the motivation and patience and persistence you’ll need.)
  
  The book you want to start with (don’t let the cheesy title bother you, it’s gold inside): How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
  
  A second book teachers about relationships: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by John Gray.
  
  So there you have it. If you have questions or encounter complications along the way, feel free to PM me.
  
  It's a lot to take in all at once, but really not that much considering it will will provide you with a path to the life situation you want and will give you access to the life choices you want.
  
  Here’s wishing a noble man the best …
  

Thanks so much for the encouragement. Part of me was slightly concerned about "enabling" her social isolation. But that's obviously a ridiculous idea. As everyone here is fully aware, depression isn't logical and you can't "train" someone out of it. It is hard to inhibit that reaction though. Some people do legitimately need "tough love", but depression sure as hell ain't an example of such a scenario. I came up with these gift ideas after realizing that I wanted to send the following message with them:

"I understand that you don't have enough emotional currency for socializing. And it's ok. I know that your isolation isn't an indicator of 'what you want', it's an indicator of 'what you're capable of'. Take care of yourself as best you can. I'll be here when you're able to reach out. And until then, here are some things that might make your time away more comfortable."

Here's what I've ordered so far:

sweatpants: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005Z6J2U8/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

journal: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1601060742/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

pens: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FB3NGN4/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Badass blanket in purple. It's got a foot pocket!, which is great because she's really tall (5'11). I'm kinda jealous because this blanket sounds amazing. http://www.brookstone.com/pure-bliss-quilted-sofa-blanket-with-foot-pocket?bkeid=search|google|bidword|pure+bliss+blanket|c|exact&gclid=CPiTq56Nm8ECFRJp7Aod2CcAyw

I think you've got a good idea about the stuffed animal. Something to hold and snuggle with could be really comforting. But for her, it might be a tossup. She's pretty stoic. I think I'll straight up ask her if she would like one. She might have a better idea than me for a "cuddle" partner. Plus I'll be able to get an idea of the kind of thing she might like.

Thanks again for the encouragement and thoughts. It makes me feel really good to know how "on track" I am in terms of being supporting. I'm pretty lucky in that my family has some history of mental illness (that I luckily escaped), so it doesn't scare me. Plus my gf has been wonderful during her lucid periods in reassuring me that this is just a pattern with her; it's not an indicator of her feelings for me; she's super sorry that she can't talk as much as she wants; etc. etc. If she hadn't prepared me for her depression, it would be really hard to believe that her isolation was not an indicator of her feelings to me. I'd be prone to believing that she was falling out of love. But she communicates really well when she can. So my trust is strengthened by that.

Thanks again for your thoughts. Wish you the best.

In college, find a way to do it for you.

10 years ago I was where you are now, an overachiever bound for an elite university. Like you, I was doing it for other people. (Differences: I did more sports, music, and science instead of leadership, and only one of my parents was driving me, and I averaged 7 hours of sleep per night, but my life was regimented and packed with optimal activities.) The Price of Privilege provided some insight into what I was feeling and reassurance that my feelings were a normal reaction to an unmanageable situation. Read it and feel better.

It's been a rough journey getting here because I lost my sense of direction for a long time.

This is going to sound bizarre, but: to be happier, dial back your sense of duty to other people, while continuing to overachieve. Richard Feynman's philosophy was "What Do You Care What Other People Think?" and he was very successful and loved. Most therapists would tell you that you're allowed to decide what your "needs" are and to pursue any legal means of satisfying your needs no matter how strange or useless. Some subcultures deliberately cultivate antisocial/sociopathic practices, such as the "smile and nod" of finance guys or the "dark triad" of pickup guys, and this is 100% legal and typically results in positive outcomes for the guys. I don't recommend going full Nietzsche, but I do recommend doing slightly less for other people so you can sleep at least 6 hours per night on average.

Three major failures I made (avoid these):

First, I screwed up academically in college because my middle-class parents couldn't see the next step after college clearly enough to pressure me to get there. So, I wasted a long time in second-tier jobs and grad school. I'm an engineer at a prestigious company now, but my friends who stayed top-tier through a finance or business-school track now make 4x what I make. Get top grades plus 1 impressive project/extracurricular per semester...it's a lot, and it's enough to open the doors to the next top-tier opportunities. Overuse the college's resources (counseling, office hours, tutoring, emailing professors, talking to alumni) until any problems that come up are fixed.

Second, I screwed up my relationships because I was fundamentally a people-pleaser. My positive qualities (success, prestige, hotness) were attractive, and I felt like I could slack off on these because I was in a relationship. When my girlfriend had a better option, she dumped me. Always be your woman's best option if you want her to stay around. And, if something bothers you, fix it! You are your own best therapist...if something bothers you it's probably because it needs fixing.

Third, stay on track after college. Not sure what your adult mentors/overlords expect from you but with your skills and work ethic plus some good choices you could retire at age 30 with $1.5 million in the bank. Being honest here: I'm overweight, single, and on track to retire at age 65. I can tell you that there's no joy in slacking off with the many easy processed experiences available to the masses. The happiest point in my life was probably my Freshman fall of college right before classes started, when I realized I had done what I set out to do 5 years ago, but before I realized I was caught between conflicting requests (from my college friends, girlfriends, and parents) and was on track to fall off the fast track. Always have an intelligent 5-year plan, follow it, and re-evaluate yearly. Seek a lot of blunt criticism from many people 10 years older than you who've done it before, to figure out what good options are.

Anyway...if you've already accepted a college's offer...drop most of your commitments to focus on a single project that you care a lot about and have final decision-making authority over / majority ownership of. Also reach out to graduates of your intended alma mater and other experienced professionals ~10 years ahead of you to make sure you understand what the options are and how to get where you want to go.

But dude, the work you've already done means your worst-case outcome is equal to most people's goal outcome, and your family will still love you even if you fail out. You've done good, and it gets better.

Optimists may seem unrealistic to someone in the pits of depression, but there have been studies that have showed that optimists are far more successful and effective.

You can choose how to see things. When I react to something, my mind goes right to the negative. Let's say my boss criticizes me. My mind goes right to: I'm going to lose my job... I'm going to be homeless... I never get anything right... etc. This is assuming a lot of things that might not be anywhere near the reality of a situation.

An optimist might choose to see the criticism as a good thing - a chance to grow and learn - and not extrapolate to predicting doom. This is a far more productive course.

You can do "all the right things" on paper, but that is no guarantee of happiness for many reasons.

• What makes you happy might not be what makes everyone else happy.
  
• You may need exercise to be happier, but perhaps you aren't doing exercise that you enjoy. If you are doing exercise that you even loathe, it certainly wouldn't help.
  
• If you have a social life that isn't satisfying to you, it also won't help.
  
• The nature of depression can also mess with your enjoyment of things. You may no longer enjoy the things you used to love.
  
  There are lots of good books out there about this kind of thing. You can go to Amazon and look up books on happiness.
  
  I liked ["The Happiness Hypothesis"]. (http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Hypothesis-Finding-Modern-Ancient/dp/0465028020/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1317856948&sr=8-5). My husband liked ["Stumbling on Happiness."] (http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1317856948&sr=8-7) I am currently reading "The Happiness Project" and loving it... a friend recommended it.
  
  All that said, the most effective way to treat depression is meds combined with therapy. Even with all the best books in the world, a wounded mind might not be able to do anything helpful with the information.

I strongly recommend that you read this book immediately - No More Mr. Nice Guy. I also strongly recommend you visit the seduction subreddit because the problems you are experiencing all stem from your lack of understanding of relationships and women. You need to learn how to figure out what you truly desire and how to be fearless in pursuit of those desires. I'm going to be brutally honest with you, but as a INTJ I think you'll find an analytical perspective extremely helpful.

My analysis (and keep in mind this is completely subjective) is that she wanted to be in relationship with you and wanted you to make the first move, but you didn't show any interest in taking things to the next level. Her love for you may have slowly started to dwindle as she became frustrated from trying to figure out your feelings toward her. The worse thing was the fact that it sounds like you basically friend-zoned her (even if you think you friend-zoned yourself), so she probably took it as a flat-out rejection. This probably hurt her deeply and made her constantly ask herself why she wasn't good enough. Her frustration and sadness may have turned to anger, leading her to shut you out completely. It could mean she's done with you entirely, but it could also be her way of sending you a message. Maybe she's too hurt to talk to you and needs some time alone before speaking with you again. Maybe it's a test and she wants to see if you'll find some way of contacting her (so she knows that truly care/love her) or if you'll just give up (so she knows that you weren't willing to fight for her). Maybe she's just cold-blooded and that's the last time you'll ever talk to her. It's hard to say because I don't know what your conversations were like or what your personality types are. Either way, the only thing left to do is learn from the situation and move forward.

Think about this: if you were in love with her, why on earth didn't you try to start a relationship with her when you had the chance? Even if you didn't live close to her, you could have tried a long-distance relationship. Telling her to go for another guy because you want her to be as happy as possible is a classic "nice-guy" fallacy. Not only are you giving up on your own happiness, there is absolutely no guarantee that she'll be happier with someone else. If anything, she would have been happiest with you because she loved you. Either way, you have to learn to be open about your desires and do what makes you happy.

Lastly, I would vote against starting a vlog to document all this. If you view it later, it may remind you too much of the pain you are feeling right now and you might slip back into a downwards spiral. You want to do the opposite. You want to do whatever you can to ease the pain and take your mind off of things. Distract yourself with activities that make you happy. Keep your mind busy. Build or create something complicated. I personally recommend exercise. The more rigorous the better. You'll be focused too much on your physical pain to even think about your mental pains. Use your depression as motivation to improve yourself. Read books, watch videos, and learn everything you can. It will take some time, but you'll eventually pick yourself back up and be even stronger and better than you were before.

I found this to be useful for me at some point. It's partially CBT-ish, but also just has some practical suggestions & plans.

I also recommend checking out acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT). It's a little less "logic" based than CBT, so it might work better for some people. Maybe try both. Here's a good ACT workbook: http://www.amazon.com/Get-Your-Mind-Into-Life/dp/1572244259

Good luck.

Sorry you're not feeling well, samtheshamandpharohs.

Seasonal Affective Disorder most often strikes in the winter, but symptoms are known to manifest in summer, too. The Mayo Clinic has some basic info on it here, and the National Alliance on Mental Illness has some info here.

I have SAD, but I get two depressive episodes a year - one in winter and then a second episode in summer. Bonus depression! Just what everyone wishes for! After about a decade of yearly rollercoasters, I finally got treatment. Talk therapy helps, but taking Wellbutrin has made a massive difference.

Since you write that you're paying off a bachelor's degree and are struggling financially, I'm going to guess that you don't have access to a university counselling center. You can try contacting your local chapter of NAMI to see if they have any information on local providers who offer sliding scale fees.

Winter Blues by Norman Rosenthal is a pretty well-respected book. That one, and the classic Feeling Good by David Burns were and continue to be super helpful for me.

Good luck, and I hope you feel better soon.

btw, love Hyperbole and a Half

Maybe he's over eager to show off his new stand up skills to his friends. My guess is he makes fun of people frequently enough to assume that it doesn't bother you. However, IMO your mistake is letting him say stuff like that without responding. You could have asked "what's your problem?" right then and there. Making your disapproval clear probably would have felt better than looking back and speculating on his intent.

As far as how to deal with people like this (and also perhaps help you in the workplace), I would recommend the book When I say no, I feel guilty. It is a book on assertiveness that I found pretty interesting and useful. Dealing with confrontation is a very important skill.

Considering tryng 5HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan). It's sold over the counter as natural mood and sleep enhancer. I typically buy the 'Now' brand as it guarantees safe processing methods and highest quality ingredients. It works with melatonin and seratonin levels. I tried plain melatonin for years but these work much better.

It's taken at bedtime as it causes drowsniness and helps you sleep more soundly. I've been taking it nightly (100mg) and I wake up in a better mood and more refreshed. Just an option - good luck.

That is true. In my group you can tell before auditions who will be playing what role. It's frustrating as hell sometimes but I don't do it for a prominent role or anything, dancing is my gig! :D

Yeah I hear you, sometimes I feel like a broken record complaining at my SO. But I know he'd rather have me talk to him that bottle anything up. And I worry alot about how other people see me, which I know is beyond silly because the only opinion that should matter is my own. There is a massive difference between constant moaning and you genuinely feeling down. I guess it can start with your realisation of that and then moving forward.

I read this book once, I didn't take on board all the philosophy it was spouting but there are some good bits in there too.

Try the writing down of things. It really does help you get a clearer picture of what's going on. I write in a journal every evening and I find it therapeutic. At one point it was the only way I felt comfortable communicating how I felt, but it gets easier to share after a while :)

Do you have any free clinics? Or if you are at uni school/college/uni you could try the counselling service they have available?

I get what you mean about not wanting to burden people. If you ever want to unload to me please do.

With regards to doing it on your own, mindfulness and cognitive therapies have some good evidence behind them. This book can be prescribed by doctors in the UK, and I have heard it can be very helpful. Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy also works very well for some people. I've done the full 8 week course and it was really useful.

Dude just start lifting. Wake up. Drink a protein shake. Later eat some eggs with veggies. Eat some fruits. Stock up on Omega 3. Drink coconut milk. Have some brown rice pasta. Just start caring about your overall look. I'm really skinny too but I don't even care. I care more about feeling healthy, and lifting/cooking will make you feel healthy and happy. When it comes to sleep, take these l tryptophan and magnesium

Amazon.com pre-order page for those interested in Allie's book. Note: the current release date is October 29th, 2013 and may or may not change. I'm just sharing the link as a fan :)

I would strongly recommend seeing if you can find a psychologist in your area that does cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Ask your doctor/counselor for recommendations, search online, etc.

In the mean time I'd also recommend you pick up a copy of one of David Burns books on CBT. If you're anything like me, you may have to force yourself to do some of the exercises, but it's definitely worth it.

Yeah, I'm only about 50 pages in and it's only getting better. You can probably find it at a local bookstore or maybe Barnes & Noble. /u/slytheringirl27 also gave the amazon link below, here it is again just in case.

I would recommend:
http://www.amazon.com/Taming-Your-Outer-Child-Self-Defeating/dp/0345514483 for a good idea of how emotions and behavior work and interact.
http://www.amazon.com/Stubbornly-Refuse-Yourself-Miserable-Anything/dp/0818404566/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381271882&sr=1-1&keywords=stubbornly+refuse to help change your perspective

I would also greatly recommend I Had A Black Dog. A wonderfully succinct and readable book.

"If I had a dollar (well, maybe $2) for every time I hear “I am not depressed, I am just realistic”, “Anyone who isn’t depressed isn’t paying attention”, "

Waiiit a minute... I thought this was true. There was a reference in Stumbling on Happiness, that happy people had less realistic and mroe of a fantasy ideas about the future.

Any thoughts? I have actually been trying to be less realistic!

Edit:
http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427/ref=cm_lmf_tit_2

There is a book my dad gave me once to borrow. It's called "F*** IT!!" And it helped my dad a lot. He has read it more than a few times. It didn't help me as much but there is some information in there that is helpful

EDIT: here it is
https://www.amazon.co.uk/F-k-Ultimate-Spiritual-Way/dp/1848500130

Allie Brosh is wonderful and you should all buy her book.

so you have no health insurance? That's a difficult spot.

If you can't afford therapy or medication, you can try self help. This book called "Feeling Good" is basically a guide on how to do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. (CBT) The truth is that most therapists who teach CBT meet with you once every couple weeks and have you do exercises at home. Then they make sure you're on the right track.

www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0380731762

The only downside to doing it by yourself is that there is no one to make sure you're on track. You could find yourself off in the weeds not sure what you're doing wrong with the book. That said, I read it myself and found it very helpful.

My advice would be to get some assertiveness training. This book is cheap (only shipping) and it's one of the best on the subject.

You have been locked into the role of "the always responsible one", which can be quite harmful. You have learned to put your own desires aside and just be there for others. Over time, you have learned not to take care of your own needs, shit, you probably don't even know what they are anymore. Basically, your role doesn't give you the right to cause trouble, to fight for your own needs, be selfish, rock the boat or be the one needing help for once. That is very draining.


This story is very similar to my biography and that book seriously helped to break out of that role and live life for yourself again. It can help you see that you can very well handle to break out of that shitty script and develop and defend your own desired way of living. One of the best -that is highest-impact -books I've read in my life.

Thank you for sharing!

This seems like the right link, but please correct me if I'm wrong: http://www.amazon.com/Unstuck-Guide-Seven-Stage-Journey-Depression/dp/0143115510

Author: James S. Gordon, MD

Give them this book to read, it explains things really well:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Had-Black-Dog-Matthew-Johnstone/dp/1845295897

You could try out this book (Get out of your mind and into your life): http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1572244259/ref=pd_aw_sims_8?pi=SL500_SY115&simLd=1

There are a bunch of similar books on amazon - The "workbooks" are basically what you would be doing in cognitive behavioral therapy without the therapist.

Your post screams Nice Guy Syndrome. I've been there and it sucked more than eight years out of me. You should read No More Mr. Nice Guy. This book really helped me change the way I see these things.

It may help if you share your location - or nearest large city for local therapist referrals. You can also check out these books:

The Mindful Way Through Depression: http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Through-Depression-Unhappiness/dp/1593851286

MBCT workbook: http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Way-Workbook-Depression-Emotional/dp/1462508146

Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Based-Cognitive-Therapy-Depression-Edition/dp/1462507506