Best products from r/entj

Sorry for the delay? Pfffft. What's the point of anonymity if it comes with expectations? Anyway, I'm having trouble sleeping, and your message came at a good time.

> It comes down to dealing with myself and the "unique" way I function...

Thank you for sharing that. I hope merely typing that out helped you. There are a great many factors which may contribute to this, and I have only played a psychologist on TV and the psychologist character was pretending, so I am pretty much stabbing in the dark here. Aside from general anxiety and extreme pressure to perform (Cameron from Ferris Bueller's Day Off comes to mind), I've had bouts of what you describe, but haven't dealt with it chronically. That doesn't sound fun. But it does sound like the real impetus for why you posted your question to Reddit in the first place! Welcome. I'm sure you're not the only one who deal with insomnia. I certainly don't have that problem right now. :)

>... it often feels like I have a mini dictator living inside of me and really, it is because I lack the emotional know-how to conduct or "listen" to myself that I rely on the dictator.

I forget to do many of the things you went on to mention, but it's usually when I am engaged in a project; not seemingly disengaged in a frantic search for purpose as your writing implies (forgive me if I read too far into it). I tend to the nothing end of the all-or-nothing spectrum when feeling useless. At any rate, I get the feeling (see, they happen eventually) you have an insatiable desire to achieve, and it seems to be the source for great angst that you don't know what the achievement will look like or how to get there.

> I often tell a close ENFP friend of mine...

Good! Of my three closest friends, one of them is an ENFP. He introduced me to Reddit. The other two are INFJ and ENTJ. Heavy Ni users with aligned worldviews -- much like the last two friends I described -- are exponentially easier to relate to than any other types. My ENTJ friend is the one who challenged me many years ago to take my faith seriously (more on that later). My INFJ friend is such a godsend. We both perceive and interpret our worlds in largely the same way mechanically, but through opposite channels. Essentially, most of our time together is spent sharpening iron. He helps me get in touch with how I am feeling (and hilariously knows when I am feeling something before I realize it), and I help ground him in more rational ways. It is the best and most fruitful of friendships.

Bottom line here is, peeps with introverted intuition tend to be on the same wavelength. I've been blessed with fellow Ni users most of my adult life and have benefited greatly from it. I hope you have or can find a fellow NJ with which to confide in. There's nothing like it. Though as an ENTJ, you likely don't feel like anyone can handle what you have going on inside. Don't let this stop you. We fellow NJs can take care of our own. (Impressive you added that bit about NPs working from a past view point. You really delved into this Jungian pseudo-psycho stuff!)

I can relate to the notion of making things harder than they have to be. Getting older and wiser has mitigated this propensity, but I am still often reminded that people and the systems they use in the real world don't necessarily like to be treated like they are test subjects in a never-ending quest for peak efficiency. I am still learning to read increasingly subtle social cues and learn when not to prepare for death on my chosen hill. And while I can be very persuasive, things tend to go smoother when I am in charge and not part of a committee. Relate?

> When I set a vision, I can be a stickler on how to get there. When circumstances alter how to get there (I don't see it emotionally and yet I sense a disturbance to the original course), I stupidly make it more rigorous (kind of comedic actually when seen in another light) until I fall of the wheel completely... Sounds kind of scary, doesn't it?

Not scary. This resonates with me as well. I also tend to be a control freak enthusiast. The last five or six years have proven to be a gradual learning to let go of my ultimate plan. We work with people after all! However, the inclusion of your parents' cognitive types may offer a clue as to your personal expectations and possible anxiety. My, oh my. I would not have survived in your household, haha! But seriously, it sounds like your parents have/had such a heavy influence on you that you may be forcing their methods and perception to your life. This dovetails rather nicely with your question on how I reached a point where I became more open with things I can't control. Challenging my mother was a large part of it. I think there comes a time in everyone's life where they need to confront their parents and (lovingly) assert their autonomy. Whether or not you've done that yet, there may be vestigial, unrealistic expectations of theirs you continue to satisfy; and it's draining you.

You've only been burned out once in your life? Perhaps we have different definitions of burnt out. Or, maybe you've reached that point a few more times than you want to admit? SJ expectations and an indomitable will anyone? :)

Finding passion. Reddit is not built for such discussion, but you could do worse than start at a very fundamental set of questions: what do you get most joy/satisfaction/fulfillment from? And what makes your blood boil? Find a destination and route that gets you closest to the answer to those two questions. If your answers aren't specific, drop all your expectations and pressure on yourself to perform and begin exploring. Get messy. It won't take long to figure out.

> Who wears matching socks anymore?

Yeah, call me metro or whatever, but...

> The only reason I said "general terms" was because I thought you might find it too invasive otherwise.

Open book (within reason). No invasion found anywhere close to this discussion.

> Grace sounds like a Christian theme...

Drat, you found me out.

> I would like the detailed version please!

I grew up in a mostly Christian home. There were months my mother and I would go to church on the regular, and other times when we were Chreasters. Pretty much the same for my two half-brothers and their nuclear families. My NTJ-ness was apparent very, very early in my childhood, and I picked up on a few things at an early age growing up about my family. Not the least of which is we have severe pride issues. Many of us can be hypocritical in a depressingly predictable way. My family members would argue. A lot. And they wouldn't insulate me or the younger children when they did. I was introduced to adult thought and began noticing inconsistencies and lapses in rationality with all of them at around eight years old. This coupled with the fact that I didn't really identify with most of my peers in school led me to a place where I thought most people were stupid (hey, just being honest). I lumped this stupidity and their association with church together. When I turned 18 and joined the military, I took a break from God to explore the realm of... being rational? It wasn't all that exciting.

I actually woke up one morning and was sick of myself. It was a really visceral disgust. Palpable. I remember it exactly. This unsettling feeling drove me to the doors of a church with my buddy, Corey. Friend of a friend of a friend with a few female detours and I met Rusty, my ENTJ buddy mentioned above. The conversation started with a relationship problem with a gal we both knew, and he very quickly identified the issue in my life as a faith issue and asked me directly what my faith walk was like. This guy spent four plus hours with me in colder-than-normal northern California to discuss my frustrations, doubts, and insecurities. To a passerby during those four hours I imagine it may have looked like this, then this, and then this.

Rusty was there when God knew I needed him to be there.

Joy is also a Christian theme I often find neglected which is relevant to your situation. Pick up this book. Excellent perspective and I think it should be required reading for all believers. If the cost is an issue, let me know.

>> When I get involved in a project I love, nothing else exists.

> I aspire to get to this place!

Find passion. See above.

>> It never ends! This is a bright side of life.

> And this is where I (politely) roll my eyes. I am rather impatient to get to the other side.

Find joy. Also see above. :)

As a final thought (and you thought your reply was long), do something physically dangerous and fun. I find this often puts the trivial day-to-day things into perspective. We become quite insulated in western culture, and it's good to get out -- even alone -- for a little while.

Maybe have a little Thoreau excursion. A good camping trip by yourself or with one or two people can not only make you a bit more uncomfortable to shake you out of the negative feedback loop, but it can also teach you reliance on God for things which would go unnoticed in our modern lives. Things like trying to get back to your campsite with the sun setting and only a crescent moon to offer you help. Stuff like that.

Praying/fasting might be a good idea as well.

Thoughts?

EDIT: grammar/clarity

I had this exact same problem when I was your age. At that stage in my life, I read a lot of books on body language- which helped SO MUCH! Realize that 80% of communication is NONVERBAL (including tone of voice). If you are experiencing social anxiety, these books will help make you look more confident- and from there you kind of fake it until you make it. If you don't necessarily have anxiety, they will help you to correct some of the ways in which you are communicating to come across a little better.

Going from there, I realized if I read books specifically about seduction body language- my social skills overall would immensely improve. I know it sounds silly, but as ENTJs we need to learn how to be more "playful" or whatever and these books actually changed my life- at school, work and dating.
http://www.ebay.com/itm/like/381871335170?lpid=82&chn=ps&ul_noapp=true

Anything by Tracey Cox is good. She has three books: Super Flirt, Super Date and Super Sex (the last one is basically just sex tips- so use at your own risk).

Also, this book was amazing and did wonders on communicating in general: https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X

Again, start out with basic body language and move up to seductive body language- even if you're not trying to seduce. I know it sounds crazy crazy but it totally helped me. You'll definetely develop the social skills you need. Hope this helps.

>I've tried the ginger ale and lime in a highball glass trick before

I hadn't heard of this, will try it. Thanks. You may have just made 'vendor cocktail mixers' much more tolerable.

>l-theanine

I've had a lot of success with this. It does a great job in taking the shaky edge off caffeine. I have since cut out all caffeine but green tea.

In high-stress times I find that one caplet of l-theanine provides very subtle but effective relief.

>For the sake of context, what do you do for work?

I'm an infrastructure architect and technical consultant specializing in virtualization and storage... i.e. I'm a few layers lower in the OSI model than your guys. Note that I'm not in management - you'd probably be my boss.

>What do your daily high-energy habits look like? First thing to fall off for me is exercise.

Exercise ceases first, followed rapidly by cooking, hanging out with people outside work.

Fortunately I'm good at faking it.

>Do you use some sort of personal task management system? I tried to replace my to-do lists with a Scrum board. It was overkill.

Scrum is overkill. Great for teams though, depending on the project... we had one go south on Scrum actually. I use ActiveInbox, which is really just a vehicle for GTD. I don't adhere to it perfectly, but a lot of the philosophy has stuck and I do in fact get things done.

• "Genghis Khan and the Making of the Modern World" (Jack Weatherford) is my all-time and all-categories favourite. Temudjin is a turbo ENTJ, the books reads like a thrilling novel and provide great insights at every page, and there is wisdom in every episode of the Khan's life and even after his life (the chapters of how and why the Mongol empires collapses are a serious lesson to be considered at all times). This book just has everything in it: a catching history, a great writing, emotions, lessons for life, insights of a great man who happens to have been "like us" and even if it's quite long, you dread for the end to happen every page you turn, and that is a feeling I rarely had.

• "How to Make Millions Without a Degree" (Simon Dolan) is the best fuel for my confirmation biases. Basically an anthem to self-made people and believing in yourself. Dolan is a funny guy and his motorsport career is more than acknowledgeable. Another proof that when there is a will, there is a way, inspiring guy and inspiring book. Only book so far I bought twice (physically and on Kindle).

• "To Hell and Back" (Niki Lauda) is my model for being bold and having balls, which I cruelly lack work toward developping. Lauda is the definition of boldness. The guy is crazy and the book relates a very unique story of a career. If you enjoy everything with an engine, it's a must-read. For all others, it's a lesson on boldness.

• "The Power of Habits" (Charles Duhigg) made a lasting impact on my life. I believe it's the best "neurosciences for everybody" book ever. It crunches a ton of important concepts and informations about our brains into the "simple" idea of habits.

• "Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think" (Brian Wansink) is actually a scam. Wansink was dismissed from his university for falsifying researchs and his "food psychology" thing was recently debunked for having little or no academic basis. This book is full of these made up stuff, most information it contains are probably wrong or manipulated. But... it works. It worked for me. It triggered little changes in my relationship to food (mostly about quantity and not tricking myself into eating stuff I'll regret later) and I can see my fat diminishing from these newly formed habits. So I don't know, this scam book was the one that made me end up bad habits with food when some more academic works didn't help a lot. I'll let that to your own judgement.

The Happiness Hypothesis - More or less a "best of" of self-help and positive psychology that focuses on tried and true stuff that actually works and not mystical mumbo jumbo. Haidt deliberately draws on a combination of modern psychology and ancient philosophy and does a great job of it. This is actually my go-to book to recommend to people for self-development.

The Antidote - A great book on how to cultivate happiness without denying the negative or unpleasant aspects of life and experience.

Happiness is a Serious Problem - Politically I often disagree with Dennis Prager but this book has fantastic practical advice on living a happier life.

Light verbatim: "No one is self made. We are the very product of people and networks we are connected to."

• Forbes: Self-Made Man - No Such Thing
  
• Business Insider: The Myth of The Self Made Man
  
• Never Eat Alone talks in lengthy detail in Chapters 1-3 that the best opportunities for the self and others come from collaboration and bolstering the accomplishments of your in-group and out-group members.
  
  TL;DR: To get "ahead" or get better opportunities for yourself and your peers is a rational reason to be less self centered. The best human accomplishments came from the work, collaboration, and dedication of people before great minds like Issac Newton, Marie Curie, etc were made possible in part of the un-named persons in their social groups they had access to and fostered.

> live overseas away from them. What job should I aim for (with a business degree) that gives me the best chance to go work overseas permanently, with a relatively good income?

you can be an Au pair like today as far as i know... You really need to specify which country you reside in and where you want to go, clarity is power.

> My mother [ISFJ] is a narcissist, who constantly criticises me for being a "useless, ungrateful daughter"

I reccomend the work of Ross Rosenberg to understand the naracicist/people pleaser axis, not just in this context but in most any. I'll give you the abridged version, narcissists use conflict like a car uses gasoline, it's good you've realized that you need to sever ties. You're probably a people pleaser if you had a narcissistic mother as you describe, and recognizing this will help your personal growth in the future.

Also, take a look at Sorted!: The Good Psychopath's Guide to Bossing Your Life, you may not be a psychopath, but all psychopaths are narcissists, and there is great advice on how to manage your life with this not caring about people stuff ... good luck!

Good to know, thanks. A good idea.

Have you tried an Acupressure mat? You can get one for 20-40 bucks on Amazon.

Like this one - https://www.amazon.com/Acupressure-Pillow-Relaxation-Relieves-Sciatic/dp/B074ZPPHM9/ref=sr_1_6?crid=12HG8UJX2QH9T&keywords=acupressure%2Bmat&qid=1554512204&s=gateway&sprefix=acupressur%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-6&th=1

It creates the best kind of pain I ever felt. I am so used to these by now that I fell asleep on one of these a couple of times.

It totally relaxes everything that it comes in contact with and increase blood flow.

Interesting question! I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

ENTJ male here. Age 37. Christian.

Specifically, I've been diving a lot more into what it means to develop our inferior function, Fi.

Remember that Fi isn't emotions, but an internal (subjective) deep moral and ethic value. It's about establishing and maintaining congruity between your actions and the values you have internally but may not even know you possess. Some literature would say you can't really "develop" your inferior function until about age 35 or so...I'm not sure I buy that, but it's a thing to note. Regardless, I'm not at a place and surrounded by people who strongly encourage developing the "whole" you, and piggybacking off of a couple books (notably Soul Keeping by Ortberg) I've been digging in a lot on this.

And let me tell you, you stir up a LOT of stuff when you do. But ultimately I feel like I've been able to more clearly define (A) what my core ethic is as defined by my Fi and (B) how and when to utilize and act on it.

Totally understand where you're coming from! I do agree, it's something to work on, but you obviously know that or else you wouldn't be asking for advice! I personally took some communication classes (while in college) that helped me out a lot with my harshness. Don't get me wrong, I still have my moments (usually face to face) but I'm a lot better than I use to be.

Also, there was a professional development training I took a while back and the trainer suggested reading a book for professional conversation. Can't tell you if it's helpful since I never read it but maybe it's also something to look into :)

Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071771328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_1BMLDbSRX8T5B

we could hook up the cucumber mister to a drone. I've never operated a drone before but I bet I'd be great at it, it wouldnt go crazy and chase her around or anything.

Also I have been waiting for an opportunity to present itself where wearing a wine bra would be appropriate. This seems like just such an occasion.

Discourses by Epictetus

A truly amazing book by a slave-turned-philosopher on having a mindset to face any challenges one might face.

Fun fact: The teachings of this philosopher bore a significant influence on Marcus Aurelius and his writings in The Meditations; as well as further Christian scholars down the ages as they adapted Epictetus' teachings to their own by replacing Epictetus' view of "fate" or "destiny" with one of "God".

I would recommend this book, maybe for both you and him to read:

Searching for Meaning: Idealism, Bright Minds, Disillusionment, and Hope by James Webb.

>Many bright idealists find themselves disillusioned in today's world, and they may experience existential depression as they examine their lives and search for meaningfulness. This book will help such individuals to understand themselves and their struggles. It also includes helpful information and suggestions for actions that disillusioned idealists can use to better manage their feelings and thoughts in ways that will nurture their idealism and provide a sense of satisfaction and contentment. People with existential depression need more than medications. It is fundamentally more important for those with existential depression to become aware that others have had similar experiences and to realize that someone truly understands their idealism, disillusionment, and anger that things are not as they"should be." Searching for Meaning bridges this gap and provides a safety net of sorts for those floating in the abyss of concentrated disillusionment. This book offers guidance and support in taking the first steps toward renewed perspective and helps to promote a solid foundation to prevent future relapses.
>
>https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1935067222/

I've gone through something like this in the last little while. Each person is different, has different circumstances, and different expectations. So I can't really say much in the general realm besides that he's probably feeling like he has to "keep up with the Joneses" without realizing that sometimes luck has a big part to play in the people you meet and the business situations you are offered. Your own efforts can increase the chances but by no means guarantee an outcome.