(Part 2) Best products from r/fosterit

Another book for your "buy these instead" list - A Family is a Family is a Family just came out last year, and while it features a variety of family structures, the ending is super relevant for foster kids! Here's a review from amazon:

>PreS-Gr 2—A classroom of young children are asked to consider what makes families special. The narrator, a student whose head is hanging low, is nervous about answering, because she feels her family is too different from everyone else's. One by one, the students share, in intricate spreads, what makes their families unique. One student says that her mom and dad keep coming home with more children, another declares that both her moms are terrible singers, another mentions that she lives with her grandmother, and "fair's fair" for a child who stays with her mom one week and her father the next. After listening to all the students, the young narrator recalls a time in the park when her foster mother was asked to point out her real children. Her answer: "Oh, I don't have any imaginary children…. All my children are real." In this warm, nondiscriminating narrative, O'Leary removes limiting definitions and labels like "adopted," "fostered," or "divorced" and instead presents a tale that is innocent and wise. Leng's ink and digitally rendered watercolor illustrations are light and airy and complement the text by capturing the thoughts and purity of a child's perspective. The classroom is a beautiful blend of children of different races, genders, and body types. VERDICT Parents, caregivers, and educators will appreciate the message that this story offers for one-on-one sharing and for discussion with small groups. A sweet and tender tale that shows that families are composed of love regardless of how they may be configured.—Brianne Colombo, Pequannock Township Public Library, NJ

Probably better for the older end of your age range, but couldn't resist mentioning it. Books about feelings in general are good too; my favorites for the toddler/preschool set are The Feelings Book and My Many-Colored Days.

I have two, a 9 yo and 11 yo. We read all the kid-raising books till our eyes bled, but when we ran into major behavior issues, we switched to ptsd books and it changed the game. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/helping-someone-with-ptsd.htm

Keeping a journal is helpful too if you can get them to actually do it. A journal with prompting like this one has helped. My 11 yo LOVES the entire series and the best part is it gives her the correct words to express what she's feeling or needs. She recently got her period (to further complicate things) and although she was upset, she also felt prepared and could talk to me openly. :)

As a person who grew up in foster care, I can tell you a few things from experience, though each kid is different of course. Being forced into religion can build a life long hatred for that religion but if you are taking in babies, it would be unjust and unfair to treat them in any way different than you would your own children. The foster children see that and wonder what is wrong with them.
You are such a kind and loving soul for wanting to take in a child in need, please don't give up on the idea because others may tell you, you are going to do badly or do things wrong. That's all part of being a parent. We make mistakes but we learn with love how to do better for our kids. Once that child comes to your home, that is now your son or daughter. Treat them as such and you will be rewarded with unconditional love one day.

Edit
I'm still in contact with a few of my former foster parents, and they will have my love and respect for as long as I live for what they did for me. They held me when I cried, taught me about our world and continued to love me, even when I broke their heart with bad choices. Those people taught me what it means to have a family and I can never thank them enough for it.

Also, found this for ya.

> are for attention

So, someone once told me:

>There was a man who rode his bike to work everyday. It was the only way he knew of to get to work. We kept telling him he couldn't keep riding it because the path was too dangerous. We took it, and he just got another bike and road it to work. He needed to go to work.

>We gave him a car to drive to work and he never rode his bike there again.

Try to give him the "car" of getting attention rather than the "bike" he's used to. For me it seems like not just generic giving attention, but something he can do that's a healthy behavior that always gets you to play with him. It's hard, but if you can get him into a book drop whatever you're doing and read it with him. If it's the pokemon cards, learn to play and play and drop whatever you're doing whenever he asks to play. It requires you to be a lot more organized, dinner always has to be something you can get away with not watching 100% and you have to go by timers on it a lot. I'd make it something inside or you end up riding bikes in 30º through snow to get through Christmas morning.

>But as for stealing Pokemon cards from the kids at daycare? That's just because he wants more Pokemon cards, and I told him he could have some if he got a green on his take home folder behavior sheet each day for a week, and he didn't. So he got impatient and stole them.

You need like 60 cards for a deck, get the cards, shuffle the deck give him one a day for good behavior on the day. You've got to get the teacher in on it for daily reports, but they probably won't object especially if it helps with classroom management too. If you need to sweeten the deal offer to buy the paper and make the behavior slips. Paper is gold to teachers, doubly so at the end of the year, tripley so if they're a sub and maybe don't have a copy code.

>refusing to wear a seat belt properly or at all in the car?

I'm pretty sure this is a problem you can throw money at; at least to keep the lap belt on.

https://www.amazon.com/Buckle-Guard-Button-Cover-Black/dp/B0046HCAAQ/

>As for sneaking into the living room in the middle of the night

This is another one that I'd probably just throw money out. Door chimes, and pop the TV breaker at bedtime.

A) Might not be appropriate for gift because I think the title is poorly chosen, but this book can really help understand what's going on:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Cant-Child-Behave-Strategies-ebook/dp/B00ESJCG7Y

B) yeah I think it's OK once you get an idea of what they need/like/have room for

C) I wish I was aware of how long everything takes as far as the case goes. Don't ask for updates, it just gets exhausting to talk about. Just assume you will be told important things. And on the flip side, don't be surprised if a placement very quickly goes somewhere else.

You can get a folding portable crib that works great and doesn’t take much space and is affordable. I’d recommend just getting that over just waiting with a pack and play if you know you want to take babies.

Delta Children Folding Portable Mini Baby Crib with Mattress, Natural https://www.amazon.com/dp/B006LNWURQ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_lUpPBbA0W748Z

Is it possible to expand your security? You mentioned that she let him in through an unarmed window. Could you get all windows armed? Or maybe get a screamer device that goes off when the window is opened for each window at least so he doesn’t try to enter without her letting him in?

These she could disarm from inside the house but if a window was opened from outside they put off a loud beeping
https://www.amazon.com/Wireless-Home-Security-Alarm-System/dp/B01N0XD746/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1538404191&sr=8-1-spons&keywords=Window+alarm&psc=1

I don’t know if they make some more advanced ones you could set a code for or something


Maybe motion lights outside too?

You guys sound like me and my wife; she wanted to get into it years before I did because I was the worry-wart. She waited on me to come around to the idea before signing us up for the classes. We also wanted to go the foster-to-adopt route (well actually we just wanted to adopt, but you foster-to-adopt anyway in that process.)

My advise to you two is to go ahead and make plans to go through the fostering classes. Doing so doesn't commit you to fostering, you can still decide it isn't for you. The classes are indeed geared towards 'worst case scenario' which likely won't be your experience if you do actually foster, but they might bolster your resolve for committing to fostering after learning how bad these kids have it.

Since you are leaning more towards the foster-to-adopt side, my bet is you'll be exposed more towards older kids and sibling groups since generally they are more available for adoption than the little kids, but it's a conversation you'll need to have with your case worker since it varies by region.

Currently we have a 13 year old girl in our care, who is available for adoption, and it looks probable that we will adopt her. Another thing we weren't told in training is that we aren't necessarily rushed for time. I was thinking we'd have to decide to adopt her within a month or two, but in reality it appears we can take all the time we need.

Some books you guys may want to read:
Three little words

Twenty Things Adopted Kids wish their Adoptive parents knew

I've been doing some researching, and found this book: https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/1557988021

It was suggested by a really well written Foster blog. I read each and every one of their posts, and learned quite a few things.
https://www.modfosterfam.com/books-for-foster-kids-and-foster-parents/

Hope this helps!

I worry about this an awful lot. This data doesn't show the demographics of foster parents, but the disproportionate numbers of African American children does not look good.

As an aside, have you read Flight by Sherman Alexie? It's a great book that touches on this topic.

If communication is an issue, I highly recommend Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. It may seem a bit formulaic, even robotic at times, but once you start using it you can see how to fit it into your own communication patterns more naturally.

We did not list family as references and instead listed friends and coworkers. We only told family once we were approved and it was almost a done deal.

My advice would be to avoid the subject at all costs. If/when that fails, buy her this book: https://www.amazon.com/Adoptive-Parents-Adoption-Relatives-Friends/dp/0982876505/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1483025086&sr=8-1&keywords=what+adoptive+parents.

Honestly, the family that wasn't immediately supportive still aren't. You may find yourself in a situation where you will need to choose your kids over your mom/family.

Succeeding as a Foster Child.
https://www.amazon.com/Succeeding-Foster-Child-Overcoming-Obstacles/dp/1502806681

We got a lot of good pointers and techniques from this book.

I only have a biological toddler and I am not sure if we will take younger placements but I just split up my daughters old clothes 0-3T into 5 boxes (1.5 cuft). It really depends on kiddo and lifestyle. This is just a guess based off what we used.

For babies (preemie- 12 months)

• 2-3 sweatshirt (each size nb+)
  
  
• 2-3 shirts (per gender nb+)
  
  
• 5 Short Sleeved Onesies (neutral, each size preemie+)
  
  
• 2 Long sleeved Onesies (neutral, each size preemie+)
  
  
• 2-3 [footed pants] (https://www.amazon.com/Carters-Baby-Girls-Piece-Footed/dp/B00Y0732OU/ref=sr_1_1_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1479840804&sr=1-1&keywords=footed+pants&refinements=p_89%3ACarter%27s) (couple pairs for going out without losing a million socks nb+)
  
  
• 5-6 Leg warmers (One size last for months)
  
  
• Socks (pack or two)
  
  
• 2-3 [Footie Pajamas] (https://www.amazon.com/Carters-Footie-Puppy-6-Months/dp/B0170AVX9E/ref=sr_1_6_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1479843354&sr=1-6&keywords=footie+6+months) (nb+)
  
  
• 3-5 [Nighties] (https://www.amazon.com/Gerber-Unisex-Baby-Shoulder-Elephant-Months/dp/B0133JD17S/ref=sr_1_3_s_it?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1479839134&sr=1-3&keywords=sleep+nightgowns) (one size fits 0-6ish months)
  
  
  

The Body Keeps the Score