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TL;DR: practice learned optimism, self-compassion, gratitude.

I - Learned Optimism
> And It's not 'aprroval' that I really wants, It's respect.

Mmmh, I think that's just a way to rephrase it, really. It's ok to want approval, or attention, or respect, or whatever you prefer to call it, because we all do, to an extent.

A lot of people are all about improving self-esteem and being confident in order for your life to come together and for you to start having what you dream of. I don't agree with that. As you said, you "can not see [your] own good quality", and that's the problem here.

I think what might help you accept yourself and feel better in your own skin is looking at self-compassion and learning to reframe your thoughts. Reframing your thoughts is crucial because it is what determines whether you get stuck with a "I'm worthless, I can't do anything and everything sucks" attitude, or if you can switch that around to "Well, this may feel crap, but I can do X and Y pretty well, and if I've managed that, I sure can manage to start on Z and get good enough at it."

There's a couple of books I would recommend for reframing your thoughts: Learned Optimism, by Martin Seligman, who looks at the nature of our thoughts (are we more pessimistic or more optimistic) and in which areas we could benefit from being more optimistic so that we learn to switch our thoughts around and feel better and more motivated to start or carry on difficult tasks.

The other book is Mind Over Mood, by Dennis Greenberger and Christine Padesky, which offers hands-on practical exercises to learn to reframe your thoughts, with a dash of science sprinkled in-between each exercise.

II - Self-compassion

The other point I made about self-compassion is a little more difficult to accept, mostly because compassion can have a not-so-great connotation attached to it, where you feel like being compassionate makes you weak or self-indulgent and you try to avoid it. As a result you can be very tough towards yourself and others, which results in self-hatred, constant self-berating, self-criticism, etc because you think it makes you strong not to make concessions. There's research that shows that these things don't actually really help, and they are what actually makes you appear weak to others.

Self-compassion will help you become kinder to yourself and recognising that those things you're criticising yourself over happen to everyone. You become more understanding of your emotions and mind in the moment, as well as that of others, and it helps you become less harsh towards yourself and others. With less self-criticism to take care of, you have more time to appreciate what you like about yourself, and it will give you a boost to try new things and get better at what you want to practice.

It becomes a strength because you become less and less affected by bad events. It helps you become more resilient as you don't constantly blame yourself for everything, or blame everyone else for everything because you can't accept criticism. It helps you becoming more at ease with your own feelings of failure or inadequacy, which eventually lessens those feelings. Another thing to bear in mind is that it is not self-pity or self-indulgence. True self-compassion isn't "oh I had a crap day, I'll just have this tub of ice-cream", it's more of a "oh, I felt ashamed for getting angry at this person, but this is a normal emotion to have and that doesn't make me a monster. This person also got angry at me, so clearly we're all in this together and that's ok. I will take a deep breath next time and try to be more patient".

Kristin Neff is my go-to person for self-compassion, and she has a great book that explains the science behind self-compassion, as well as exercises you can follow to improve your own. She also has an Audible book with a bunch of meditation exercises to help you become more self-compassionate.


III - Gratitude

> Everything feel like a big hollow for me when I see someone I know 'have their own life', It's illogical to think this way but It's been plaguing me years and years.

Focus on yourself. Focus on your progress, focus on making your own grass green instead of looking at how much greener the neighbour's grass is. Of course yours isn't as green, if you spent as much time watering it as you do staring at your neighbour's grass, it'd probably be as green!

Practice gratitude for what you have, learn to cherish the process, rather than the results. You don't see how much sweat, blood and tears have gone into someone's "ideal life". It might look like they have it all figured out, but you might not see how much they hate their job, or how difficult things have been with their spouse, or the fact that one of their close family member has cancer, or the number of hours they poured into their code trying to fix bugs, or practicing an instrument, etc.

Look at what you have, and cherish the fact that you had a good night's sleep in a comfy bed, or that your favourite author just released a new book, or the fact that it'll be a nice walk to work under the sun. All these small things amount to a lot, and they will help you realise that your life isn't so bad after all, and motivate you to try things or keep at things you are finding difficult.

Your value system says, "If this girl likes me, I like me."

Your value system should say, "I like me, no matter what happens to me. Because some things can't be helped, and you can't control other people. If other people don't like me, it's okay, I will find people that DO like me. Everyone is free to do what they want, but this girl that I'm interested in, can do what she wants. If she doesn't want me, it's okay, I'll go on to the next one."

There's something going on inside you that is waiting for the world to approve of you. Don't feed that false concept. The world will fail you at some time, and you will break (as you're doing at the moment). And the world will never approve you enough--ever.

Instead, consider a new concept. Start a new habit.

Say to yourself, "I am not OUTCOME dependent. I am process dependent." Meaning, you don't rely on the OUTCOME of situations to feel happy or sad--that's reactionary. Be proactive. Rely on yourself and only yourself for your emotions. Right now, your emotions are dependent on that girl--and sooner or later, it will be another chick, and another, and you will always be sad or unfulfilled because you can't control others. Depend on yourself to have fun, to feel good, as much as possible at any given situation.

It's hard to change. It's hard to be a new person that takes responsibility of their emotions. It's hard to be proactive. But hey, being reactive to the world, depending on people to always make you feel happy is exhausting too--and as you can see, it's not a solution to fixing the most important thing in this talk: you.

You're not exactly broken, what's broken is the way you relate and think about yourself. Pretend you are your own best friend. How would you treat your best friend? Would you beat them down all the time? Would you say, "hey, if that chick rejects you, you're not shit." O

OR

Would you say, "Dude, she's just one chick. And truth, you don't know what she thinks about everything. She might have some hidden thoughts that would turn you off forever--maybe she thinks that Jews really are the source of the world's problems, you don't know. Maybe she picks her toes daily and doesn't wash her hands after. Bro, just let her go, and go on about your life. Believe me, if you work on yourself and focus on being better, it gets better."

I know which best friend I like better.

Be your own best friend, always. That's the real issue here. Take care of yourself, I cannot state that enough. Good luck, bro.

Edit: Thank for the gold, whomever it was. I wasn't looking for karma or gold, just trying to pass some of what has helped me. I would also like to link the following, as they were HUGE helps to me in changing my life and way of thinking.

Link 1: Check out the top comment on this post (the comment is not mine): http://www.reddit.com/r/getdisciplined/comments/1q96b5/i_just_dont_care_about_myself/

Link 2: This little book helped me go inside myself and deal with my demons--very important don't skip through the book, just follow the simple instructions as if it were a manual--I know, that seems stupid, but trust me on this one: http://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/vz458/selfdiscipline_in_10_days_how_to_go_from_thinking/

Some other suggestions: Listen to Eric Thomas, this is what got me started--You have to want it, really, really want it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xM_7j6t9IyU

I also suggest "The Power of Habit": http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Habit-What-Business/dp/081298160X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414954061&sr=8-1&keywords=the+power+of+habit

I'll give you the important thing about it, in case you can't buy it: Almost everything you do is tied to a habit and you're not aware of it. Even our thoughts. He breaks down all the scientific data on how individuals and entire societies form habits and change them.

Every habit has a cue/trigger, a process, and a reward.

Example:

Cue: Someone rejects me. Process: I feel bad, my thoughts keep spinning on why can't they like me... Reward: I feel like shit.

However, if you don't press the cue/trigger--you're way less likely to play the habit out. So, if I'm tired of feeling like crap, I stop asking girls out. But then, a new habit develops--

Cue: I avoid social situations. Process: I feel bad for being "weird" in social situations. Reward: Social anxiety.

All you did was replace an unproductive habit with an unproductive habit.

As you can see, not all rewards are positive--that's why it's important to change our cues, process, and rewards from habits. Recognize your habits, and you'll have more power to change them. Replace unproductive habits with ones that help you grow. If you interrupt your triggers, you change the habit easily--usually, if you're past the trigger, your habit will take over, without you even thinking about it. This goes for our thought habits as well.

Good luck to everyone. I leave you with this, "Pain is temporary, it may last for a moment, a month, or even a year. But if you get through that pain, at the end of that pain is a reward." Think about it like this, would you rather:

A. Hurt, keep doing the same thing, keep hurting from the misery you keep getting.

OR

B. Hurt because you're changing into something better. Hurt on the journey to being stronger one year from now?

It'll be hard, very hard. Some people will not believe in you, but you'll be better if you stick with it.

You'll hurt either way, why not get something out of your pain? That's the choice I made. And every human being has that power. I've only been doing this for a few months--but dealing with me has changed everything around me.

Read or listen to this book. It's an increadible book based on an advice column with painful questions asked by real people and honest vulnerable insightful advice is given by the author. I'm not sure where in the book it is but someone asks an almost identical question to you. As per usual her answer is amazing. I think this book is great for many people - the audio book is read by the author (fun fact - the film Wild is based on her life/other-book) which i enjoyed - but someone specifically asks this kind of question and it may help you. I wouldn't assume that it will fix your problem and don't expect an the whole book to be for you, it's just one bit, but you might learn something from it.

Actually scrap that, I went and found the article for you. Here it is but it's also nice to hear in her voice in the audiobook (can you tell I like the book?)

http://therumpus.net/2010/08/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-46-beauty-and-the-beast/

I also included the book as i feel like went on about it a bit

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tiny-Beautiful-Things-Advice-Someone/dp/1782390693

I wish you all the best and my heart goes out to you

Wow, your story is so similar to mine. Sorry these posts are so long, but I wished I had someone to tell me all this stuff along the way..

I started a residential painting company. But I had no clue what I wanted to do when I started back to school at 25.

The key is that I started moving in a whole new direction. I had lots of job opportunities prior to college that I sabatoged for myself because I didn't want to wait to go to the next level. I would always excel, but I hated working for other people - busting my ass so some jerk can take his kids to Disney World while I trudge through another day.

Finally at my last job before going back to college, I struggled to work 40hrs a week because they just didn't have work all the time. That was it for me. I knew if I was going to get to a place in life where I could make the money I wanted and live the life I wanted I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO DO IT AS AN EMPLOYEE. Due both to my past and in general that's just the way it goes when working directly for someone else.

I had no clue but I knew I wanted to be a boss, create jobs, be the man. And I knew to get to that I would have to work harder and smarter than the average Joe's in school and business.

I ended up going to a really good business school and through that experience I learned about the painting industry.

I'm not saying you have to start a business, but you have to start a journey. It took me 6 years to get my bachelor of science accounting degree. I met my wife and had a child along the way. I struggled with strained relationships, financial hardship, car troubles and even classes sometimes (which I dropped and took in the evening or summer when they're easier). But, I didn't waiver in my zeal to be the new me. A college man, father, businessman, job creator, client pleaser.

Just start SOMETHING. Choose a general direction and MOVE. You don't know for sure, but go in a direction that's forgiving. For me I reasoned an accounting degree will work regardless of what I choose to do in business. Once you gain new experiences you will realize your talents. Or find some you never knew you had. I thought I would never be a salesman, but through a close friend I met in college I learned that other than the owners of a business salesmen make the most money. And to create my own business I had to become a salesman. And I'm really good at it thanks to my past experiences.

Oh, And my buddy from college- he makes bank too and was just like us-that's why we got along so well. Because we had a deeper drive than the rest. We had to succeed to get where we wanted. And so will you.

Regardless of what you choose to do, you should read "E myth" as soon as possible!

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0887307280?pc_redir=1404788599&robot_redir=1

You won't need to really do anything as far as getting your business in order, but it will give you a perspective on business that gives you an advantage over most regular people in society. The perspective the book gives is one of three things I paid thousands of dollars to learn in a top business school. The second thing I learned is to have a goal and move toward it; along the way make meaningful connections / network, and finally I learned about the opportunity in the industry I now work. You get most of this wisdom for free. You simply must do it. It's that simple; do it.

Let me know if you have any other questions, any time.

Hey. It really is a very very widely covered subject so when I first came across it I devoured a tonne of articles pretty indiscriminately, and didn't really save any until I got on to the more lengthy articles/books.

If you want a very quick introduction you can't really go wrong with google. It's a very easy concept to understand, it's just it can sometimes take a lot of practice to get the benefits out of it :)

Just bear in mind that articles can approach it from several quite different perspectives that could appeal or put you off, depending on your inclinations. Mindfulness as a concept, and as a meditative practice, forms the basis of many spiritual practices. Buddhism in particular. So there are many articles that are a little too spiritual for my tastes, but your mileage may vary. On the flip side Mindfulness meditation has found it's way into quite a number of therapy approaches and is being accepted as beneficial by psychologists, and so some articles take a much more scientific, but sometimes overly sceptical, view of about it due to the small, but increasing, amount of actual studies performed on it. The third, and probably most common type of article, is a simple pragmatic "self-help" type.

The thing to note is that no matter what perspective and what terminology is used the actual practice and descriptions of mindfulness are essentially the same ... as are the benefits! My point being, I'd advise you try not to let an overly scientific or overly spiritual author bias your view of the method and to try and get a balanced overview of it.

It's not really a simple introduction but I did enjoy reading (the first half) of this thesis which takes an intetersting and balanced view on the history (history and overview of Buddhism essentially) and science of Mindfulness (overview of studies done up to the time of the thesis). It is pretty lengthy though.

I'm also enjoying a book called "Fully Present" which is co-written by two people from both the scientific and spiritual perspectives together, for a pretty all round view as well. But again, it's a lengthy book that I'm only part of the way through still. Really good so far though. Very pragmatic from both authors really.

You might find meditation worthwhile. There are many forms of meditation, my favorite is Vipassana or "awareness" meditation. You pick something as your focus, often it's your breath, but it can be other things like walking, archery, even dancing or art. The gist is, whatever you are doing, DO THAT. As stray thoughts come into your mind, notice them, and let them go.

Say you're focusing on walking, feeling each lift-move-place. A random thought comes in, you notice it and label it "Thinking", and let it go. You might find yourself judging yourself for not being able to focus, so just notice that: "Judging," and let it go. By cultivating mindfulness and a level of detachment from stray thoughts and emotions, you gain that time to process new information more skillfully, and things don't seem as intense.

It's not forcing thoughts out of your head, nor clinging to them. It's just letting them go.

The Experience of Insight is a great book on meditation and Buddhist insights.

Way of the Peaceful Warrior is also worth a read, and Peaceful Warrior is actually a good movie too.

Here is a scene from Peaceful Warrior.

>I feel like setting any boundaries for her makes me controlling.

This is an absolutist view that is just going to get in the way of your being able to set healthy boundaries in the future: I admit that I haven't read this book myself yet, but I see it recommended a lot, so maybe try it: Boundaries

It sounds like you're also having some anxiety about your significance, and could do with some reassurance from her.

She originally put the work in to stop partying and taking drugs once she knew it was a condition of dating you, which would of course have made you feel valuable, but now she's stopped. & now you've just mentioned that you feel like you're subtracting fun from her life if you reiterate that the drugs boundary is important to you. Sounds a bit like you're worried you're not exciting enough on your own.

Basically try and learn about boundary-setting so you can be self-aware about it, but you probably need to sit and have a talk with her.

I completely agree with whoever in this thread said that her choices are her choices: I completely understand why you're concerned about her not applying herself to studying to be a surgeon, you want the best for her, etc, but that really is her problem and not yours. The drug-taking as a personal value of yours should be the only topic when you talk to her.

I find it very hard that across four months you could not have found the ability to get a new/different set of decent cans if you REALLY wanted to and if music is REALLY that important to you.

• You could work more.
  
• You could ask a friend to loan you a pair.
  
• You could tell your family you really need a good set of headphones. Maybe a birthday or Christmas gift.
  
• You could sell things you already own.
  
  You're so worried about his actions but if you were actually going to NGAF you should be more concerned with your own first.
  
  This headset is a pretty good head set; it's from Microsoft, it's inexpensive, works as plug-n-play in Win 7 and OSX. It blocks sound well, has great thundery bass without being muddy and the mic is pretty sensitive without being too much so.
  
  The headset also costs $25.

I'm 30 and still working that out, but have made progress.

For me, the journey has heavily involved psychology books, through which I have come to understand myself and my hangups better. Karen Horney was great for me, Our Inner Conflicts and Neurosis and Human Growth are works of genius. Firestone's The Fantasy Bond has helped me out a lot as well.

At the end of the day, it becomes what everybody else says: you jump in feet first and do your best. Start hitting on girls in more situations. Start being more honest about what you want, instead of thinking you have to be all roundabout. Etc. If a man pretends to be disinterested in sex, a woman will assume he is disinterested in sex.

But getting to the stage where I could even begin to do that has involved a whole lot of fucking psychology, for me anyway.

I can genuinely feel for you brother. I was in your situation 5 years ago when I was dumped by my first girlfriend at 18 hearts of age for being a nice guy people pleaser. It only gets better from here bro. Know that the next phase you will reach will be the other end of the extreme, that is an asshole. Then you will have some experience and you will bounce back towards the center of the two extremes of nice guy and asshole, and then you manifest your true self. Fight on brother.

If you haven't taken the next step yet, you need to buy the book No more Mr. Nice guy This should get you going.

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

http://www.amazon.com/The-Four-Agreements-Practical-Personal/dp/1878424319

Great book, you'd benefit from it a lot.

People have also failed miserably because they vastly overestimated their chances of success. People have achieved amazing things without overestimating their chance of success.

This sub is so lost. Y'all need to read The Antidote

Not giving a fuck is not about being positive all the time; needing to be positive all the time IS GIVING HUGE FUCKS.

I do recommend it. It's a great little book by Professor William B. Irvine called "A Guide to the Good Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy". Find it here.

OP, you need to read "Your Money or Your Life". There's so much more to life than work and money, you just need help to realize that. Figure out what truly makes you happy, and then pursue that instead of status/career/money.

I found this book really great on the subject: No More Mr Nice Guy

Just read this book "Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck". It is by far one of the best books I have come across that helps in such circumstances. I was there too, but now in a better place.

Another good book that talks about this is The Four Agreements

One of the agreements is to accept that "Nothing is personal: No matter what anyone says or does to you... Nothing is personal. All of it is a reflection of their internal struggle and has very little to do with you as a person."

I find this helpful to consider when the opinions of others gets you down.

I’m reading that now!
The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck was also a good read— and definitely relates.

let go of your desire to not give a fuck:

http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069

worth every penny

I recommend this book if you are interested in stoicism and how to apply it to today's life:

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

Is also a great read on Stoicism

Great summary of this book that everybody should read:

https://www.amazon.com/Subtle-Art-Not-Giving-Counterintuitive/dp/0062457713

On Amazon Takes two~three hours to read. Not trying to wax poetic or swoon over the book, but I found it quite profound and it really did stir something up in my life. Many improvements have been made since reading it.

This book helped me to become a reformed people pleaser: Boundaries

I hardly really suggest you to read this book:

Robert Glover - No More Mr Nice Guy

Hardly Really

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062457713/

Someone suggested I read the book The Four Agreements (not affiliate link) and it completely changed the way I look at things. It's a very "simple" set of agreements you make with yourself that will improve your life.

In short:

• Be impeccable with your word - Say only what you mean.
  
  
• Don't take anything personally - Nothing anyone does or says is because of you.
  
  
• Don't make assumptions - They're pretty much only there to hurt you.
  
  
• Always do your best - If you do, you can't judge yourself and will be liberated from all the shame and negative emotions that come from it.
  
  Check out summaries on Google Images