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So, how to make friends?


Step one: get out of the house. Think of the places you can be more relaxed, and people won’t feel “successful”: bus stop is good. People can look human there. Try to have actual encounters, and not social media. A cafeteria might be more difficult. People may see it like social life there. Trying to look cool; success. In social life, there is success and failure. You care how others see you. Don’t be pushy though. If you scare them, look step four. Just look at people . Don’t need to talk. Smile a bit, so it’s not creepy (though creepy actually means romantic, observe the world, think more than talking or doing: romanticism has nothing to do with “couples”; it’s a situation about yourself). Maybe slightly wave. If you have any, offer them a cookie! Or start singing a song.
You don’t need a reason to go out; to be justified; in order to do something specific. Just go out for nothing: walk, sit in places, see, get used to the world; maybe act busy at times; so, you don’t seem that weird!


Step two: be truthful, sentimental, and honest. Don’t care if you can be harmed. What really keeps you from having friends is that you reject it. Maybe you are waiting for these perfect, “successful”, friends; but it’s all people. If you think people you know aren't good enough, and you are waiting for someone better: it's not them, but you. After one moment you could simply see them as good enough, interesting. Waiting for someone better to attach is success: you think the “common” will take advantage of the randomness of your interaction (even just in their head, not actually do something to get success of their own). Discard your sociality, idea of success. If you don’t feel you can be betrayed, nothing can betray you: it’s a signification; your signification.


Step three: think as them. Those you meet. Think that maybe they too want someone to come to them and say “do you want to be better-than-friends with me ?”. That’s what you’d love too. Someone (interesting) to come to you. It will most likely never happen; but you can do it for someone else. And the result will be the same: two people will have someone new in their lives. It helps if you have (romantically) thought of situations, conversations. Maybe you remember some stuff from what you say when you think of others (see Whom to think). Or from a movie. Something that sounds interesting. Even if you look silly, that could interest them.


Step four: ok, maybe it’ll be a bit weird to suddenly tell someone “do you want to be…?”. Just talk to people, propose stuff. They’ll find it weird, as you’re a complete stranger, but remember to think “what if I were them?”. Which would be the reason to respond like that? Most likely sentimental defense, which means they need you. That kind of thinking could make it easier (or possible at last) to make the first move. The other explanation would be they think you’re dangerous, which is also optimistic: they think you are one of the dangerous people on this planet, while you know you are not. So, this planet is less scary for you. One less dangerous: maybe there aren’t any (See How to murder…, Sessions…, About abuse). If you convince them you are sensitive, it will get more optimistic for them too. Don’t need to be pushy. Don’t need to make friends with everyone you approach. Just seem human; if you can! Maybe you should seem deliberately needy as well. Ask as favors, to participate in some activity. Pushy in a kawaii way. Remember to try to be more sensitive, and not that loud. Though, it’s not bad, maybe in some examples of exceedance. It could release others too. Feel more free.
And then, you are out, and just see people pass by you. It happens so fast. How can you talk to them? No time. It’s not easy to start. But be there. Get used to it. At some point, you’ll have a good chance (feel like you have a good chance: it’s you; chances are the same). Someone who looks (or somehow feels) more approachable . If you find the first (maybe a weak one!), then they can help you to approach more.
You can say the first words. Maybe even something deliberately silly. Or from a movie. From something you really like, so you feel justified to say it. Even if (you think) others found it stupid, you were still justified to say it. You don’t doubt it, as it’s too cool (for you). This (feeling of justification) doesn’t make much sense, but sentiments don’t: it will just help you actually do something.


Step five: after you interact with some people, are around them on occasions, make a lot of eye contact. Show your sensitivity/ vulnerability (“so all people are like this?”). Ask them for a hug. Build trust. Talk without thinking of it. Just be there. Think of your “world” with them. And if they hurt you —or you hurt them—, this is a great opportunity to de-demonize villainy. Talk about it. Choose to trust the same person again. Eventually, have many deep people in your life. Each new one, makes life more interesting. But find time to connect with all of them. Not just quantity; deepness too. Just look them in the eyes for a while; or touch; no talking; connect deeper. Just ask: “I want to do something with you. What interests you at the time?” And one request: I guess you can watch movies with other people, but please don’t talk at all until the end. If the movie is not terrible, it’ll be easy. Try to trust, connect with the movie, and not be judgmental from the start. Just like with humans.
“Say after me: ‘it’s no better to be safe than sorry’ ”.


Step six: multiply. And make it easier for others, who are just starting the process, or haven’t been that successful. Remember to trust and re-trust, in case they harm you. It’s most likely out of defense or their own sensitivity. In any case, I assure you they’re humans, hence, can’t hurt you.

From https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07TBP3XN3

I wrote a big thing but I wasn't happy with it so deleted it. So here are two things:

1. You are making the right choices. Keep them up. Keep bettering yourself. Happiness isn't just something people attain, it's something people constantly pursue. I can not recommend studying philosophy enough. It changed my life; it will change yours. Is it difficult? Yes. Is it worth it? Immeasurably, in my opinion. I'd go so far as to say that it has for the first time in a decade allowed me to actually deal with my anxiety and depression, in a way that nothing else I have ever done has. I would start here and here. The price is right and I, at least, find the paper copies superior to computer versions. If it's on the computer, I won't read them. If it's on my night table, I will. I know you go to school; so do I. Free time is valuable, but me not feeling like shit all the time is more valuable. Get up an hour earlier and read that shit. Just for an hour to start your day. Before you know it you'll be done both books.
   
   
2. You're fucking fantastic bud. Stop telling yourself otherwise, and start acting FUCKING FANTASTIC. Friday is in a couple of days: go to a coworker you like with a big smile on your face and say "Today has been a fantastic day, wouldn't you say?" And leave at that. Has today been the worst day you've had in months? Doesn't matter, because you know what? They're going to smile right back at you and agree. Worst case scenario is you made someone smile today. Well done. Hell, they might even ask if you want to grab a beer. Don't bitch, don't complain. Positives only from now on pal. Positives and studying fucking philosophy. If they ask you a question and you can only think of something negative to say? Not a worry. Just say not great, but it's getting better because you are actively working on it. And that's not a lie, that's the truth. Don't believe me? Reread your post.
   
   Well, that's all I have to say. Best of luck mate.

Innup,

Feels like you could use some time to learn about yourself. Who are you? What do you enjoy? Sounds like you are going to overcommit in the near future (learning + tutoring + volunteering + working + clubs), but are they things you or your mother think you need to do, or things that you truly want to do? Do you feel socially awkward because you're always thinking "I have to make this potential friendship work or I'll never be what my mother wants?"

Did you ever take an Meyers Briggs inventory? It sounds like you have some social anxiety or are a true introvert. If you're uncomfortable in the school environs, do you ever hang out in a quiet coffee shop? Bookstore? Library? Any other places you might be comfortable?

Try this - https://www.16personalities.com/

The question for you to not try to solve is: why does your mother really really want you out there? What emotional desire or need of hers is being fulfilled by your popularity? She's ignoring your own emotional needs in favor of hers.

Setting boundaries with your mother may help the situation, in the long run. Try reading a book on boundaries (like, uhm...Boundaries...https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454/ref=sr_1_1_twi_pap_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1504284879&sr=8-1&keywords=boundaries) and read it.

Virtual Hug
Not sure what to say but I think that a lot of people feel the way you do. I don't think you're too old to make friends. Plenty of people out there want more friends at any age. Being fat has nothing to do with it. I'm fat. Fat people are usually very fun and nice. Open yourself up to love, love yourself and find the love in others.

This book helped me out of a depression
http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Good-Life-Ancient-Stoic/dp/0195374614

There are a lot of different directions you could go. Getting your drivers license I think would be a good place to start if that's something you want. It would help open up more opportunities for you. Have you ever tried to learn to drive? You could practice in an open parking lot with your mom.

Exercise is great for me when I get stuck in a rut. If you can do it first thing in the morning it really helps to get your day started out well. There are a lot of things you can do right in your room. Anything to elevate my heart rate is a big help for me. I like working out with kettlebells. You can also do jump rope or body weight exercises with minimal space/equipment. There's a great book called Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain that shows how beneficial exercise can be for you mentally.

As far as education there's the GED and for work everyone starts with no experience and gets a first job sometime. There are a lot of jobs you can do that don't require much social interaction. I worked fast food for a couple years and didn't work on the cash registers at all or interact with customers in any way.

You have a bunch of different options and opportunities. Pick one to start with and post again to let us know how you're doing or if you run into any difficulties so that we can help.

This isn't fiction, but I really enjoyed Party of One: A loners manifesto

https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1569245134/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

And this book on psychological defense mechanisms I read recently and found deeply facinating and helpful. Not all of it applied to me, but I found bits of it really insisive at helping me understand how I process things.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Do-That-Psychological-Mechanisms-ebook/dp/B009PA63YI/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1496506185&sr=1-3&keywords=why+do+i+do+that

And lots of people recommend Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking-ebook/dp/B0074YVW1G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496505896&sr=8-1&keywords=introvert

Which I haven't read, but think I would really like. I get frustrated too at the lack of representation in fiction.

Is there anything you've read on this topic you would recommend?

Well I can say most people are awkward in middle school, and most of them grow out of it, so maybe take some comfort in knowing it wont last forever.

If you want specific advice at getting better at talking to people, I really liked this book.

How do you know people like you if they won't chat with you? It could be you're doing something you don't notice that really turns people off, like being constantly negative or arrogant, or interrupting people or not giving people opportunities to talk as much as you do, or even something little like standing awkwardly close.

If they ignore you maybe you aren't speaking up enough, don't expect people to invite you into conversations by asking you things, invite them into conversation by asking them questions, people love to talk about themselves. Similarly if you find no one invites you to hang out after school, see movies, etc, make sure you are inviting others to do these things, a lot of people just expect others to invite them to things but don't realize that they're not making the effort they expect of everyone else.

Also, make sure your hygiene is good, shower everyday and use deodorant, people wont want to hang out around someone that smells so there's a chance that holds you back (not saying its true just throwing it out there just in case).

Continuing a conversation is a skill that takes work to learn, so if you keep it up you should get the hang of it eventually.

Sorry this info is pretty generic but you didn't give many details so I could only guess at what your issues might be.

> I think this is the definition of underestimating someone. Just sayin'.

Incorrect, underestimating is seeing what someone has and under valuing it or disregarding it. I did not see what you held until you showed me. And now that you have, I value it as highly as it obviously should be.

> .......true....

Silly little lizard. Next time try it on the other side of the fence, it's fun. 8)

> You trying to kill the glory that is our wallversations? Because I'm not okay with that.

Not so much kill them, just... Well, I'm starting to feel as though what I am saying is more for your eyes only.

> Masochist!

Does that mean you're a Sadist?

> Uuuuuummm.... that's called plagiarism, so now we're going to have to scrap the WHOLE FREAKING BOOK. THANKS, MAN.

I AIN'T PLAGIARIZED NOTHING IN MY LIFE. IT WAS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW AN IDEA CAN WORK, NOT AN EXAMPLE OF AN IDEA I STOLE. I'm gonna mess you up, girl.

> Oh no, you are not starting ANOTHER dissing contest. You're just going to have to learn to live with your humiliating defeat.

I'm not starting a dissing contest. I'm starting a dissing ONSLAUGHT. Where you just get FUCKED UP by sick, awesome disses. 8D

> Where do you even come up with this shit?

I've been around, my love. I've seen the shores that border on other worlds. I've seen things your nightmares would fear.

And I would LOVE to write a romance novel as stupid as SOME - OF - THESE.

> HaHa! You're old! And joke's on you, MY COLLAR DIDN'T HAVE A BELL.

Yeah, well...

Mine did.

> You just had to say it, didn't you?

Say what? That's what Insane Clown Posse is, you know, ICP.

> As long as "floozies" isn't in that definition, then we're good.

Alright that's good. Can they still wear red dresses?

That's a great question. I'm not a sociologist, but even many researchers will tell you there isn't a single answer for the definitive rise in social isolation. To make some sweeping, general claims, it largely has to do with:

• Moving from tight-knit communities to large cities
  
• More Americans living alone (25% of the US population.)
  
• Less involvement in community institutions (church, synagogue, community centers, supper clubs, etc.) – Bowling Alone is a great read on this.
  
• More controversial, but our reliance on technology for connection. We all have a tendency to conflate surface connections with true intimacy, but the size of your network has no effect on your level of loneliness. Loneliness is better understood by a lack of supportive outlets, instead of simply not being around people. Technology can be great for intimate or surface connections, but social media is generally geared toward the latter.
  
  And right! The study you reference might be the General Social Survey from U Chicago. It's really astounding that it's hard to talk about loneliness publicly, considering the former surgeon general labeled it an epidemic. Hard to believe there can still be a stigma about something affecting so many people.
  
  If you're interested in this, two great books I recommend are The Village Effect and The Lonely American. Both have excellent theories and explanations.

I'm not a phsychologist myself, but I think it's good that you already have someone professional who helps you. Maybe you should tell that person that you have the impression that it's not working, and maybe he or she can suggest you something else to try.

I think that continuing this professional treatment is the would be the first thing to do.

Second: I'm myself a bit skeptical about alternative medicine, but it seems that acupuncture can have a stabilising effect on mental health too. Others get good results with homeopathy or applied kinesiology (although this may simple be a placebo effect, but if this placebo effect helps, why not try it out).

Third: Not sure if it's a thing for you: I've myself started with meditation recently. There are meanwhile several studies that show that this can help. It's not easy and the effects are usually very subtle (and may never be very strong), but it might be one component among several. This book helped me to get into this. Apparently there are also specific meditation techniques (and courses on them) to help with anxiety.

> if I were to dissappear I know alot of people would have to adapt because I am always helping everyone,

Consider worrying about yourself for a while instead. This book is often recommended to men that are unsatisfied with their lives and it covers this exactly.

Men today are raised to think IF I help out, IF I'm nice and "follow the rules" then I'll be rewarded. The problem with this, though, is there ends up taking situations where you help everyone with the intention of receiving some reward, when you should be helping because it's rewarding in and of itself.

Try something different. Say NO. "Hey, Jaeg. I got some rock to move, can you come over this Saturday and bring your truck?" "No, sorry, I'm planning on taking Saturday off. Maybe some other time." Take control of your life and do things for yourself.

^I ^should ^re-read ^that ^book ^now ^that ^I ^think ^about ^it.

I send a big hug out to you. *hug* You are not alone in this.

Little changes in your thoughts and actions will build positive momentum. Remember that thoughts are powerful.

Here's a book I found helpful; https://www.amazon.ca/Mind-Over-Mood-First-Changing/dp/0898621283

Read this:
http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438CW/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1421455106&sr=1-1&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy

As someone who has had great number of the "nice guy" tendencies I can tell you that it will help a lot. You will need to approach it with an open mind though, as there will likely be a lot of stuff you don't really want to look at initially.

in a Nordic country. In this place, you might well meet people but unfortunately things end the moment each one goes home. Any contacting without a drink is almost certainly unjustified.

I can tell you that in other countries like France or Germany, i would have no problem whatsoever fitting into a network, But here is another story.

I do mainly aerobic.
At one stage i seeked refuge in intensive aerobic sport, like the stationary bike.. Although that made a lot of benefit, i was doing it while i was disconnected from my surrounding. At one stage i got some hyperventilation issues (feeling that not enough air is available/absorbed) that might be described as sort of panic.. but nothing more than that.. when stopped doing that sport and reduced wok i healed progressively.

I have learned this great book about the subject, and i literally found out that the only remedy is basically to start connecting for real. The author of that book does have a great show in Youtube.

But still one who thinks he can do a lot of things on his own, might just find himself completely broken. When asked here i was sinking into an abyss of despair..

Small things are big things, and answer from someone here or there does bring with it a lot of hope and piece.

Actually yes l, if. I remember correctly while reading this book. https://www.amazon.com/Loneliness-Human-Nature-Social-Connection/dp/0393335283

Something to do with how loneliness is as bad as smoking.