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Oh boy do I sympathize with you, this sounds eerily similar to my own issues with my uBPD mother trying to manipulate my wonderful but BPD naive in-laws. My mother always felt entitled to holidays with me and my SO's family celebrations because she is "just one person" and she has "no one".

My uBPD mother had a habit of calling my MIL, waifing her into lunches or phone conversations where she proceeded to bleed information out of my MIL that I'd been gray rocking her from or relying on my MIL for advice on how to handle our relationship.

Recently, my uBPD mother escalated her bad behavior in a spectacular way and so it was a convenient time to address it with the in-laws. In your case, you could possibly lead with "After (pwBDP's) behavior at our wedding and with a new little life on the way, we acknowledged that things had to change. We have decided to significantly limit contact with (pwBPD), it will be difficult and painful for (OP) and here is what we would like to ask of you."

Here's what I chose to do, feel free to use any of the language word for word if it would be helpful to you or your SO:

- Because this dealt with my husbands family, I had him reach out to my uBPD mother via text (I wanted it in writing) and tell her in no uncertain terms that she was not to reach out to his family whatsoever. He wasn't unkind - I'd describe it a business professional. Granted, my uBPD mother knew unequivocally that we were taking a period of NC when he sent this so it didn't come out of the blue.

- I also had my husband speak to his family without me - I think he called his mother. It didn't feel appropriate to have me speak with them about it because it's his family. I didn't want them to feel like I was chiding them. He shared with his mother about some of the troublesome behaviors my uBPD mother had, explained that we were going NC with her for a while to start creating healthy and firm boundaries with her as she really struggles with them. He explained that we needed to do this to protect his child from suffering similar behavior and that it was important to him that his parents respect that. He told them he didn't feel it was fair of my uBPD mother to manipulate them into the middle of a difficult situation. It was best for them to simply leave her calls unanswered and unreturned but to let him know if she reached out. He reassured them they were not being unkind by not responding to her as their first priority was him and his family, not his SO's mothers feelings. She (my uBPD mother) is a grown adult woman and she can handle it. He also reached out to his siblings and basically said, "Hey, if my MIL calls or emails you just ignore it, but let me know. We're going no contact with her for a while and she's been told not to contact my family. Sorry to be awkward and dramatic, but it's serious and we appreciate it. Feel free to ask any questions of us - we're happy to explain more." (We didn't need to - most people don't want to touch that with a 10' pole)

A few weeks later my MIL and I spoke about it, because she is kind and wanted to know how I was doing. She mentioned feeling fear, obligation and guilt (not in those words but I understood the interpretation) about anticipating having to ignore calls from my mother and how she worried it would sink my mother into a depression. I told her I understood that it was difficult to do, how as (uBPD mother's) daughter I have the same very intense feelings and doubts. However, I was working on not taking responsibility for other peoples feelings and subsequent choices. If my uBPD mother wanted to behave in a certain way because she simply didn't like that I had emotional and physical boundary limits, that was her personal problem not mine. I gently encouraged her to adopt the same mindset.

- When inevitably my MIL asked questions like "I just don't get it, she seems like such a nice lady", "I think she just wants friends, she's very lonely." I would follow up with a few questions that seemed to "click" for her. I asked,
•When you meet/speak with my mom does she often seem to be relying on you for emotional support related to her and my relationship?
•Does that seem appropriate or normal to you as my in-law?
• When you meet/speak, does she ever ask you any questions about yourself or does she just ask questions about me?

She answered as you'd expect and several times since she's said, "You're so right, she never asks about me!" I reminded her that healthy friends and family don't use manipulation and pity to extract information on others. I explained that my mother has BPD and it makes healthy relationships hard. I earnestly told her "It isn't right to accept that type of treatment from anyone, especially your DIL's mother, and it was absolutely not okay with me that she does that to you as I deeply valued our relationship. You are my friend as well as my MIL and I won't let people treat you that way even if those people are my own mother."

I was really surprised with how well my in-laws handled it (I'm conditioned to expect a fight when I create a boundary), but like the relatively normal people they are they said something to the effect of "Absolutely. We want to do whatever is best for you and our grandchild, regardless of what we don't or can't fully understand." Then we played a card game, ate lunch and talked about mundane things. It was a HUGE growth moment for me, seeing healthy communication modeled in that way and "parent figures" respecting boundaries without question was incredible. It. Felt. So. Good. I actually thought in my head "Am I a grown up now?! I feel like I might be a grown up." I am 38 years old. I bet a lot of RBB's can relate to that forever a child feeling. :)

OP, I hope you get to have that feeling as well. You deserve it, your marriage deserves it and your new baby deserves it!

Side note: When I was pregnant with my first (and only) child I didn't know what BPD was or that my mother had it. I just called it "30+ years of bat shit crazy". I recently read a book called It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn. I would have LOVED to have read this before my child was born. It's about inherited family trauma which many of our pwBDP's suffered and subsequently they inflicted back on us with their atrocious behavior. Maybe it will resonate with you, and possibly others reading this post as well.

Sorry this was so long. Heh.

Edited: brevity and grammar

>I learned that was I was, was too much, for anyone, but especially her. I learned that my emotions were too messy and no one wanted, or needed, to hear about them.

I love the way you put that. I too, had emotions that too messy.

> I learned to say sorry compulsively.

Yes. I still do this ALL the time (to anyone). And then I beat myself up in my head for apologizing for something that clearly wasn't my fault. Sometimes I say sorry for things that don't even have fault or blame associated with them. My earliest memory of this was in the 6th grade. An older girl told me the tag on my shirt was sticking out. I apologized. She started giggling with her friend. Why did she apologize? My heart breaks for little me in that moment. So confused. Decades away from getting any sort of clarity. I really just want to give little me a hug and tell her it's gonna be okay.

>I learned I was crazy, manipulative, not good enough.

Yes ☑️☑️☑️ It seems like a lot of us we're told similar messages. I wonder if there's something more to that.

>I've overcome some of this stuff quite well, others I'm still fighting. I know there's more stuff, this is just that came to my mind easily without thinking too hard, I don't wanna dive too deep at the moment.

Thanks for sharing everything you did with us ♥️

>This is a very thought provoking post, thank you for making it and giving us space to hash all of this stuff out. Really, it means a lot. Thank you. <3

You're welcome. I'm so glad you got something out of it. The post was inspired by an exercise from the book Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem.

I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!

When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk

It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.

It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.

My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE

My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.

Welcome! I'm so glad you found us!

My mother also spend lots of time in bed/sleeping. And she loved her Valium. 😒

> I still am not 100% which categories I'd put her in (waif ,witch, queen), but I still don't know a whole lot, so if you guys have any good books/articles/anything that you would recommend to help me learn more about this disorder, I would greatly appreciate it!

The book that really did it for me was Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson. As I was reading it, I was thinking, "OMG, this woman wrote a whole book about my mother!".

> The little I know so far is really helping me to peice together my childhood, so I'm excited to learn as much as I can.

I definitely know that feeling; a total lightbulb moment! 💡

Welcome home!

hugs

PS. Are you sure you read all of our rules before posting? Because I think your post is missing something! Please re-read and revise, and if you have any other Reddit usernames, please message the mod team to let us know.

Thanks! 👍🏻

There are lots of great resources out of there. For example, the book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" was a great help to me.

https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

Also, the website BPDCentral is a great resource:

http://bpdcentral.com/

And, Out of the Fog:

http://outofthefog.website/

But if you truly want to heal yourself and live your best life, you're going to need to find a therapist. Your BPD mother trained you all your life to deny that you were a person in your own right, so much so that you no longer understand your own wants and needs. You're going to need personal guidance to find your way out. You need to find those hooks that your mother put in you and remove them. It hurts, and its hard work, but its the only thing that will allow you to heal fully.

I think the difference between boys and girls being raised by borderlines (depending on your mother's own special brand of abuse) is basically just what society puts on either sex, plus bonus points for BPD. But a therapist will help guide you out of the woods for your needs specifically.

This is a great group also. Read and vent as necessary. We've all been through it. You're not crazy and you're not alone. Hang in there and good luck.

Edit: yaaaaa, so serves me right for trying to use Swype :) I'm totally leaving it in hopes it triggers additional smiles, like the one I got after hitting the "submit" button and noticing the glaring typo :)

I just wanted to poop in and hopefully help you and /u/my2kidsmom reframe this feeling slightly...

I'm not going to pretend I'm am expert, or even past my trauma - but I noticed the way you guys are talking is so similar to what I used to do! Then one day, after we finally went NC with my "mom", my husband noticed me sitting at the end of "her bed". I was bawling my eyes out, not even sure if I was upset I'd lost my mother, or if I was mad at myself for letting her abuse me for 36 years of my life.

My absolutely amazing husband say beside my snot-bubble dripping nosed self, handed me a box of Kleenex, started rubbing my back while I cleaned myself up, and just told me "You're the most durable woman I've ever met, and this will only make you more durable." Then he held me for what felt like forever (but was absolutely perfect), and then we went and ate Whataburger for dinner.

Not only does that durability sustain me in my personal life, but I've also been able to leverage it into an incredibly lucrative career, where I get to make money helping people. I often forget, especially on days like this, how incredibly lucky I am to be able to say that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have all lost a lot of our happy times and our childhoods. We've lost our ability to imagine a better future (or even just play make believe). But not only did we make it out of this abhorrent cycle of abuse we've all suffered, but we did it with dignity. We came out the other side battered and bruised, either emotionally or physically (or if you're lucky like me, both), and we fucking nailed it! We are durable, we are successful, and we are finally free of the insanity that used to be our mothers (or fathers).

Life pro tip, if you ever find yourself bawling your eyes out like I was - or even if one of those thoughts just randomly gets stuck in your head - pull out a nice pad of blank paper, and some epic pencil crayons - then write out the words "I'M FUCKING DURABLE!" on the first page, followed by "MY LIFE IS AMAZING BECAUSE I'M AMAZING!!!". Then turn them into bubble letters, and completely fill them in with any colours, patterns, or images that you're mother loathed the most on this planet.

I used to LOVE the colour teal. If placed beside a dark purple, I could easily see myself in love with a rat painted those colours. Mom hated teal. She actually spit on me when I put on the amazing Charlotte Hornets jacket. My father bought it for me on one of his work trips, because Charlotte's main colour was teal and he actually knows something about his daughter. Mom was furious, not only because he got me a jacket and "only" bought her a new necklace - but because his gift was thoughtful. You could literally see the jealousy boiling up in her eyeballs - jealous of her own 14yr old daughter, over her husband and that daughter's father. I was terrified to put on the jacket (or even take it out of the fucking bag!!), cause I could see the hatred oozing from her fucking eyeballs. I knew what was going to happen, but every time she looked at Dad or he looked at her, she'd be smiling - so Dad had no idea and was just excited for me to try on the amazingly thoughtful gift that he got his daughter! I couldn't disappoint him, and honestly I was hoping that since he was there then she couldn't do anything overt (this was two years after the first time he threatened to leave my mother unless she went to therapy to learn how to stop hating me - very long story about how he found out she was BPD theogony to her attempting to use therapy to prove I was a bitch and that I deserved her hatred...). So I put it on, Dad is absolutely beaming he's so proud of his little girl, and I don't even think there's a word in English that could describe the hatred seething from my mother... It had the potential to be a great family bonding moment - Dad just got back from a two week long business trip, had just gifted both daughters and his wife awesomely thoughtful presents - but of course these things meant that Mom wasn't the center of attention... So that's problematic. Mom started pretending to cough, like she had something stuck in her throat. Dad, being the oblivious oaf, turned his head and started walking to the kitchen to get her a cup of water. Then she opened my coat like she was interested in checking out the available pockets or something, but then all of that cough was expelled directly into the armpit of my brand new gift. Then the bitch closed the coat as Dad returned with her water, and did that "pat pat it's all good" thing, right on the armpit part she spit into.

So now the colour teal, in any relation to my "mother", is a sign of war as far as I'm concerned. I begged for clothes and accessories in that colour for years throughout my childhood, denied at every turn. I finally get something that colour and she immediately tries to ruin the moment with her nasty smoker's hork. Later, when I was able to get my own income at 16 by working for Nortel through a high school intern program, I bought a "bed in a bag" set that was dark purple and teal, I was so fucking excited!!!! Bitch insisted it needed to be washed before using it, cause "it might have been used by someone with lice or bedbugs before I got it home - and the cunt poured an entire bottle of bleach into the wash with it!!!! Literally tells Dad "oops", and that's ok? That wasn't a fucking oops. That bitch NEVER uses bleach, even for things that SHOULD be bleached!!!!!

So ya, I've taken back my teal and the dark purple, through my new awesomeness plan - I've entitled the entire project "I'm awesomely durable!"

I hope you guys have an awesome week!!

I'm surprised she was honest and told you. I'm glad you know! Things will make a lot more sense as you learn about it.

These are my recommendations:

• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder This would be helpful for everyone in your family.
  
  
• Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship This one I recommend listening to (much cheaper) or buying it used off ebay. It's a really hard one to get through though, at least it was for me, because of how real it was. I would recommend this for you, your siblings (if you have any), and dad (if he's still around).
  
  
• I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Good for anyone in your family too.
  
  Good luck and welcome home! Let me know if you need any advice or anything. I'm here for you as well as everyone else here.

I just sent my NC letter today.

It took me about 4 months to get to this point. What made me actually send it was reading a book called Educated which is a memoir about a borderline dad. Not the same, but it showed me how an entire family can orchestrate themselves together to help support the person with the disorder.

What I expect moving forward is that I won't see a lot of my family on her side. She is very close to two of my cousins, and I don't expect them to understand my point of view. I expect that they will potentially try to force us together.

This means that I, and you, have choices. If you are feeling this struggle, I wonder if your brother is too? He might be more receptive than you think to meeting without your mom involved at all. No matter what, it is your choice if you see her or not. It is your choice if you want to communicate with her or not. If your childhood was like mine, you spent a lot of time raising yourself - and probably some time raising her as well. You don't need her to be a good person, or to justify your choices, or to live your life happily.

Good luck!

So much to say...so much to say. I'll attempt brevity. I'll likely fail.

>I was strong willed growing up. I talked back a lot as a child and would cry anytime my mom left. I deffinitely had abandonment issues after us leaving my bio dad I guess and I was always afraid that the next time she left would be the last time I saw her. So I wasn't perfect. I'd complain about cleaning my room, or yell at her if I got upset about something.

Show me a kid that likes cleaning their room and I'll show you a FREAK. Show me a kid that didn't assert their independence/identity by yelling at their parent and I'll show you a FREAK. Not really but...you sound like a perfectly normal kid.

>Growing up I was a trigger for my mom I now see. Which is completely understandable given that my bio dad is her ex alcoholic, abusive, rapist, husband. So... I'm sure this played a part.

Maybe. But pwBPD lie like they breathe. She may or may not have been raped. Even if she was, you are not the trigger. Your existence is not the reason she behaves the way she does. She behaves the way she does because she is ill and rather than recognize that her behavior hurts others and seek treatment she blame-shifts, demonizes, and gaslights.

>If I stood and listened she would tell me how she could see the evil in my eyes, that I was so cold and heartless and that she had only seen that look on my bio father and I was going to be just like him, that I only cared about myself.

I think you have a BPD "witch" on your hands. I had a BPD "warlock" (my dad). Almost verbatim these words. This kind of situation. It really fucks with your head. Especially as a child. As you do your work when you get back to therapy try to recognize this shit as "tapes". Tapes can be over-written and replaced with better music. Sounds like at the end of your post some people have been giving you some new tapes. Listen to those new tapes often.

>Growing up she always let people have or borrow my things.

They have no respect for boundaries. What is yours is theirs. I could tell you stories...

>I once, stupidly, decided to nicely tell my mom in a conversation that I thought she might have BPD and that she should look into it.

Right? Because maybe the problem is that she doesn't know and now that she does she'll go fix it. You'd fix it? Why wouldn't she? Who doesn't want to solve a problem? She doesn't. She'd rather make her problem your problem. Most books you read on the subject will caution against ever doing this since, as you discovered, it doesn't really go the way you hope it will.

>She claims she doesn't remember the horrible things she has said to me growing up. She tells me she is worried for my son because she thinks that my mind is slipping and that there is something wrong with me.

There's a whole thread here about this. It really is best to "just not remember" for people that don't want to accept responsibility for their words and actions. More gaslighting. I would go ahead and trust your memory. It happened. Memory is weird, so maybe it didn't happen exactly the way you remember but it happened.

Example: I have this memory of my mother giving me a...well...horrible sweater. It was sleeveless, argyle print on the back, and it had an ice-skating bear on the front. I was like...24 going on 25 at the time...so completely inappropriate and I was never going to wear it. I couldn't accept it. I gave it back to her asking her what was going through her mind at the store when she thought her 24 year old daughter would actually want this. She needed to get her $$ back for it. This is one of my "funny" memories. Anyway...I remember the bear having a little flip up skirt. When cleaning her house this past thanksgiving (see post history if interested) we found that sweater. The sweater is pretty much how I remember it...just no flip up skirt.

So yeah...whatever you remember is probably the actual truth.

>My whole life I was her therapist. Not my other siblings, because I was the oldest so I could handle it.

I learned a new term here. Emotional incest. This whole paragraph resonates but especially that last bit "I was the oldest so I could handle it". I have said, felt, expressed those words VERBATIM. I even carried this in to my adult live where I figured anyone in psychic pain really should go ahead and give it to me cos I can handle it better than they can. I know what I'm doing and they are clearly in need. Yeah, I'm not a fucking therapist so I don't do that anymore. This is a boundaries thing. Absorbing the pain of others is not your responsibility. Accepting this and not automatically stepping in to assume the pain will take some practice, and your future therapist can help you with it.

So welcome member of the tribe. I'm sorry you've been separated from us for so long but you're here now with your family. We are big and we are strong. So get yourself something to eat. Read through this sub and anything you can get your hands on for as much as you need it over the next couple of months until you can get back to therapy.

People will recommend many books. My favorite was Understanding the Borderline Mother. A lot of us here have read it. It goes through the various manifestations of BPD from the witch to the waif. Waifs can have their witch moments just as witches can have their waif moments so while the book draws distinctions it is likely you'll see aspects of you mom in all the archetypes.

My comment is now almost as long as your post. I wish you well and perhaps we'll see you around here moving forward. BIG HUG!

I'm glad I suggested something new! I hope it helps.

Yes I mentioned the Buddhism part because in a group I was in I had a woman who was uncomfortable with it because she was Christian. At first I thought she was possibly being intolerant, simply not wanting to read something just because it was influenced by another belief system that was not actually religious or preaching, just used metaphor. But I did learn later that I was wrong and a lot of the book uses Buddhism so heavily it could conflict with her religious worldview. Again you can read it and it's not going to threaten your faith, but I could see why depending upon her level/style of faith or time she wanted to put in why she would find it difficult to extract what would be applicable in her worldview. EDIT: For the record the books and techniques are completely secular.

That said, it does speak to a wide audience and less specific to BPD than other DBT topics. If I could have one critique from what I have done so far and maybe I"m a cynical hardass but I get tired of the 'accepting yourself' emphasis. Skills of practicing radical acceptance in a moment of stress are more valuable to me, we'll see.

> I didn't really know about the critiques, but I remembered raising an eyebrow at the parts you mentioned and you put to words my reaction.

You have to dig far into the reviews because a lot of people who use the book are BPD patients who use it after DBT (many say it's better POST DBT) and as said before, because there wasn't really anything of it's type until recently. Many of my therapists believe that DBT isn't a self help program but I would agree... for people with BPD because they need the group therapy to relearn social skills and empathy. Otherwise, well there are successful CBT programs online too. There are a few online DBT programs, not covered by insurance of course.

Oh man. This is a really hard place for you to be in, given that you're still in high school and dependent on your family. A lot of what helps (no contact, setting boundaries, etc) are either unavailable as options, or much much harder to execute for you. You have my sympathies.

If you haven't yet, I'd suggest you do some reading. Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson was really helpful for me - you probably get a copy of it through your library. It's gendered about mothers, but equally applicable for your Dad. It'll help you understand how his BPD has affected your development and general steps on how to heal and handle your dad. Stop Walking on Eggshells will also be a good resource for you.

Any attempts to control his behavior will likely set him off, so at this point, work on you. Here's what I recommend:

• Work on holding your own inherit goodness intact
  
  
• Work on setting and holding firm boundaries with people
  
  
• Keep your relationship strong with your siblings, all to often my sister and I were pitted against each other
  
  
• Find an outlet to vent your stress and emotions. Having a BPD parent is emotionally taxing and it's easy to keep it bottled up because you feel like you should. Talking to a therapist, counselor, or just your friends will help make unbearable pain more bearable
  
  
• Focus on getting out. College was my way out of my of escaping the house. Making sure I got academic scholarships was how I was financially independent.
  
  
• Learn how you've been shaped by your dad's mental illness. Oftentimes, we've learned to fawn or shut down or fight in times of conflict. We condition ourselves to walk on eggshells with everyone, not just our parent. We also learn rescuing behaviors.
  
  
• Write events down. People with BPD often deny or minimize their abusive behaviors, so having something physical will help you retain your sense of reality.
  
  I think it's also helpful to remember that if your dad does have BPD, there's a physiological difference in his brain. It doesn't make him a bad person, but it does mean that his perception of reality is going to be distorted.

For what it's worth, for me, a lot of it came down to mantras. Telling myself over and over and over again that I was good enough, I was strong enough, I was lovely. Telling myself that even when it felt like a lie. Telling myself that when I was crying. Telling myself that when I was furious at myself. Over and over and over and over until I started to believe it. A little here, a little there.

I've been telling myself that now for over fifteen years, and I still don't believe it all the time. But I believe it most of the time, and more and more deeply the longer I'm at it.

Also of recent use is this wonderful book: https://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1466552544&sr=1-1&keywords=dialectical+behavioral+therapy

I cannot say enough good things about the coping and soothing mechanisms, the reframing, the ideas, and the gentleness contained in this book. If you can't do therapy now, I'd strongly recommend it. It's been enormously helpful to me.

I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.

I have a shelf full, but here are some winners for BPD:

Toxic Parents

Mothers Who Can't Love
Emotionally Absent Mother

Will I Ever Be Good Enough

Drama of the Gifted Child

Children of the Self-Absorbed

Hey I was looking for the book. There's a Surviving the Borderline Parent and there's Understanding the Borderline Mother Which one is it? Thanks! 💜

My SO and I are both super sensitive-- we decided to study NVC together (non-violent communication) and also read this book-- I highly recommend it. Transformative: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 .

You are strong enough. I'd say counseling is going to be huge for you. Take your time to find the right person for you, a good counselor that fits your needs and that you feel connected to will be huge.

Try this book - it's not the best I've ever read, but it does address the things you're talking about.

Have you heard of Stop Walking on Eggshells? Its a good starter book to help understand BPD.

Youre in the place to vent and learn hugs

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

I had those fight nights, yep. Mom starts to escalate and attack me, and I had so much pent up emotion and hormones and frustration that I wouldn't be able to keep calm, then I'd be caught up in her emotional tornado, so I'd get even more upset at myself for not being better than her, which means I can't defend myself when my dad would intervene. Did you notice that your dad also expected more maturity out of you than he did from your mom? At times, it felt like my dad held me to a higher standard of behavior than her. I don't know what to do with that yet.

>Whenever I get angry at my mother she gets angrier.

100% same. It was like throwing down a cage match.

>Self-Hate. I called myself a stupid bitch yesterday and cried in public because I'll have another C this semester, and only B's, which would make yet another semester with a less than 3 average as a GPA. I believe that I'm not good enough. I believe that I'm stupid. Even though I have an internship at a pretty prestigious hospital waiting for me this summer. I feel like I'm nothing because it feels so true.

Oh friend, it hurts so much. If you haven't already, you might like Will I Ever Be Good Enough? it speaks to this topic and resonated strongly with me. Just a few years ago, I still believed I was broken and incapable of loving myself or being loved. I despised myself on a level that I almost can't believe now, even though I have vivid memories of it. Even when the self-hate wasn't cranked up, it was still quietly affecting everything in my life. In a few ways that I knew of, and so many that I didn't until I came out of the haze. It's been a twisty, strange path to loving myself instead, but through therapy, reading a few books, finding reddit, and actively working on new skills, I've cut the self-hate almost completely, I hope. I've been trying to figure out how exactly it happened, it sort of snuck up on me over time as I worked on it.

Of course!

Surviving a Borderline Parent

​

Here is the mobile version of your link

You very clearly need a break.

You may end up facing charges if she chooses to file. That cannot be helped at this point.

But, none of this changes the fact that you got there through severe abuse, and need to get out. Let this be a wake-up call. Don't let yourself get driven to this point again.

Find some way to detach. Find an outlet for the anger. Find an outlet for the sadness, and someone to hear your story. Begin detaching the hooks she has in you and allow yourself to focus your life on finding peace, in whatever form it comes. Likely, you need NC if things are this bad.

You can take responsibility for something that you did that was wrong, while still also being the victim of something, yourself. That's allowed, and does not reduce either. Things are not black-and-white in the real world. But, you need to take responsibility for your own needs and feelings, and learn to fulfill them in a healthy way, if you are ever going to heal - that means getting the help that you need and breaking that drama triangle, even if that requires physically removing yourself from the situation.

Just remember, always:

You are, fundamentally, good.

(edit: added another link).

This book made so much sense to me! Really helped me set healthy boundaries and not have such an emotional response to the constant guilt tripping. The other books in my collection:

https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=nodl_

https://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=nodl_

I frequently revisit these books when I’m struggling with things. Hang in there!

Maybe not exactly what you're looking for, but there absolutely is a book that can help you deal with BPDs.
> Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to:

Make sense out of the chaos
Stand up for yourself and assert your needs
Defuse arguments and conflicts
Protect yourself and others from violent behavior

In my experience with my mother, there was just no way to ever "hold them accountable", I.E. prove they did something wrong or harmful. She would either shut down, or more often fly off the handle in rage. But this book promises ways to de-escalate the situation, and I think that's the best you can hope for. My dad's read the book and said it helped him deal with the trauma, and I'm about to start reading it myself.

Link to Amazon here

Cats are nice I guess.

But they have litter boxes.

I prefer my dog...


I have been lurking here for about three months, since my therapist gave me the book Understanding The Borderline Mother and everything came into sharp clarity.

Last week my mother argued with me and said to my father (who was in the room as a referee, useless ass that he is) “the root of all our conflict is because u/thebenegesseritwitch insists! on setting boundaries!! Whenever she disagrees with me it is just so disrespectful!

I was dumbfounded that she actually vocalized that in her world setting boundaries and expressing a different opinion = disrespect.

She seemed to realize how absurd she sounded and tried to shift the focus from me/my boundaries/her lack of respecting my boundaries/ to a more global dislike of boundaries. She went off on a rant about how boundaries are the reason the millennials have so many problems and how boundaries are why the country is in such a horrible state these days. (and to his credit my father did ask about five or six times “so when BGW disagrees with you, you automatically feel disrespected, even though as a grown adult in her own house, she is allowed to disagree with you?” “So you take offense simply because she disagrees with you?” She tried to avoid answering, because I do think she was having some cognitive dissonance....and when she did it was always “no she’s allowed her own opinion of course but it is just so hurtful since I’m coming from a place of love! I would never have disagreed with my mother, so yes I’m hurt and offended that BGW disrespects me by holding to different opinions!”)

I told my dad later that her ability to vocalize her issues with me setting boundaries while simultaneously holding to her willful inability to recognize how fucked up her thinking is about boundaries terrifies me.

ANYWAY. All that to say, thank you for this. I’m sending it to my sister.

I'm so sorry. This sounds so painful. She sounds sadistic. BPD manifests somewhat differently in every person. Have you read this book: Understanding The Borderline Mother? She describes a "Witch mother" archetype who is sadistic. My mom definitely falls into this category. She was violently physically abusive when I was a small child. https://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319
So you're story is not unique. My mom used me as an emotional garbage disposal for her toxic feelings of rage and disgust but she wouldn't call me if she lands in the ER and she rarely shares vulnerable feelings of sorrow or fear. She has told me repeatedly that I shouldn't have children because they're too much trouble and not worth all the "work." And she has zero empathy for me and lives for controlling me in every possible way: financially, emotionally, and logistically. If she can dump on me all her self-hate, violent rage and desire to punish the world for her pain, then she feels all is right with her corner of the world. So, no, you're not alone.