(Part 2) Best products from r/raisedbynarcissists

I feel you. This happened to me so many times, but with each relationship I was able to recover a little bit more of myself and establish more of my own boundaries. The fact that you have realized it is getting you much closer to those relationships that you want to have! Nice work.

This is what I would recommend; TLDR, it is very important to take care of your self and your esteem. After this, all will follow. I wrote a gigantic post because what you've described above is pretty much what I've been battling against most of my life.

Self-care

1. Do you like yourself? What do you like about yourself? Try celebrating this every day, or whenever you can. Doesn't have to be every day.
   
2. Make a bucket list. What are the things you want to do by the time you die? This could literally be anything; my bucket list includes items like "master a particular skill" and "have an orgy". Doesn't have to be "serious", it's just what you want to do with you life.
   
3. Spend time dressing yourself up. Find clothes that make you feel good, make you feel attractive. Pay attention to your body. If you haven't updated your wardrobe or your hair in a while, try and do those things. Find some kind of exercise that you enjoy, and try and stick with it: it will make a change in your body before long! If you have problems with nutrition, do some reading and figure out where you should make dietary changes.
   
4. Try to revisit your hobbies, or any kind of thing that makes you feel happy; relaxing, sitting on a park bench on a nice day, etc. etc. Doesn't matter if it is "time wasting", just that it makes you feel good. Do anything that gets you back into your body: take a nice shower or bath, breathe deep, take a walk.
   
5. Think about whether, in addition to co-dependency, you may also be battling either anxiety or depression (if you were raised by a narcissist, chances are high). Do some reading, I recommend these two books: http://amzn.to/1pipLrF ESPECIALLY, also http://amzn.to/1zfgOnb Both books teach you about self-care, managing your boundaries and emotions, and breaking out of familiar patterns. I found the co-dependency book relevant even though I'm not a person who is actively trying to control other people; I still had the other behaviors, like taking care of people too much.
   
6. Read Alice Miller's The Drama of the Gifted Child (available free here: http://bit.ly/1gJPQPk). This book is about how kids raised by narcissists generally have a lot of trouble seeing themselves and seeing their own needs. They construct a false self for their parents, and then learn that the false self -- nice, accomplished, supportive, always there, without expressive impulses (including "negative" emotions like anger or boredom) -- is more valued than their True Self -- i.e. who they are, as a human being, with their complete range of emotions, impulses, and desires for expression.
   
7. Learn about how to communicate assertively.
   
8. Learn to not apologize for existing, for taking up space, having needs. There's nothing to apologize for you, because you are, you are a human with Maslow's hierarchy like all the other humans!
   
9. Do things for yourself every day, just because you want to do them.
   
10. Make sure you're getting adequate sleep, food, exercise, sunlight.
    
    
    Now, as for setting boundaries:
    
    1.) Hang out with the friends that you like (or mostly like). Think about why you like them.
    
    2.) Think about moments where your friends do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Don't dismiss your feelings, explore them. Examples:
    
    

• Friend seems like she only wants to hang out whenever she decides.
  
• Feeling third wheeled by two or more friends.
  
• Always letting others decide activities because you don't think they will value yours.
  
• Friend does something which makes you angry, or says something that makes you feel uncomfortable (like hitting on you, or maybe making an off color joke, or condoning something you don't like)
  
• Feelings of tagging along, or side kicking, or taking care of other people
  
• Feeling like you have to be the "loyal" one
  
• Being made to feel guilty, or pressured into an activity; being made to feel like your time is less important
  
  3.) Think about why these moments (or others) make you feel uncomfortable. Maybe make a list of past moments. Think about what you would do if you were being assertive -- not aggressive, but accurately and forwardly communicating your feelings.
  
  
• Suggest activities to your friend who wants to control the situation/only wants to hang out when she decides; if she declines, or continues to act uninterested, be up front on how her behavior makes you feel.
  
• If feeling third wheeled, hang out with different friends. There are other people around, and it is definitely hard to expand social structures, but it's possible!!
  
• Make a list of activities that you prefer, and then propose them. If your friends aren't interested, find a meetup for people that are interested in those kinds of things, and then do them! You will find one or two people that you like.
  
• Tagging along, or side kicking: remember that you are valuable. Take value in yourself. Don't hang around with people who may see you as less; meet new people and then set boundaries with them. I.e. if they are late to things and you don't like lateness, let them know that you are a little upset. If they treat your personal possessions with disrespect, let them know it. If they make assumptions about you that are wrong, or say things to put you down, let them know it and that you do not like it. Doing this helps set healthy boundaries with people for the future, and sets up respect. When people need your compassion later, for the REAL issues, you can be there to take care of them. But in the meantime, no need to be their butler or the ever sympathetic person. And if they try to make you feel bad about asserting yourself or having these feelings, rest easy, laugh at their behavior, and find other friends.
  
• Friends who do or say things that make you angry or uncomfortable: confront them about it assertively, as soon as it happens. Don't be nervous about it: if you are concerned that this person will threaten physical violence, then I wouldn't be friends with them anymore. Don't worry that they will leave you: if they leave you, oh well! You still have Team yellowpencils. Team yellowpencils is who you have now and it's who you will have until you die, and it's the most important team in the world. Learn to love your team and always be on your own side. (For the nitpickers, this doesn't mean turn out to be a sociopath or never know when to own responsibility for one's actions and mistakes; just that you must, at the end of the day, love and care for yourself).
  
• Feeling that you have to be the "loyal" one: forget this feeling. If someone is manipulating you and putting you down, while still asking for your sacrifices, tell them how they make you feel and then, most likely, leave. People like this assume you're easy to victimize, or will never confront them. You have more power than you know.
  
• Feeling pressured, being made to feel guilty: no one has a right to your time above and beyond you. You don't owe anyone an explanation for wanting to spend time by yourself or to do activities with other people. If someone wants you to do something which is against your personal code of ethics, remember that the social costs of doing so are most likely outweighed by the personal benefits of staying true to Team yellowpencils.
  4.) Consider ending friendships with people whom you really like (for their personality, for instance) but who obviously do not value your time or do not respect you as a person.
  
  
  Making NEW friends:
  
  1.) My personal strategy is, follow the energy. If I am getting positive vibes from people; if I am enjoying their company without feeling compromised; if there is a give and take in the relationship from BOTH sides; I continue it. If there is not, I drop it quietly before I'm in the friendship/relationship too much.
  2.) If you are noticing old patterns show up in new friends:
  
  
• try and recognize old patterns, first off.
  
• Try to figure out where the other person is bending or crossing boundaries. Think about what kind of person you're being routinely attracted to: do they look like your narcissistic parent? Remember that in order to get new friends, you do NOT have to offer a "perfect" friendship where you are never mad and always attending to their needs.
  
• Start calling out these new friends on their bullshit earlier: you just may turn the relationship around.
  
• Move on: If you feel like this person may just be too similar to past narcissistic friendships, or they are crossing too many boundaries, even though you have tried to talk to them about it.
  
• Try and act like how you want to be treated from day one. This doesn't mean, waiting to call someone out on their bullshit until you know what to expect from them: this means doing it immediately. Your survival skills that you learned from your narcissistic parent, like controlling your feelings now, observing, waiting, hiding, confronting when things are "safe" (let's be honest, they were never safe) are no longer necessary, because you are in a new phase of your life where survival no longer has to be the top priority: your happiness is.
  
  3.) Accept good will. Wherever someone wants to support you, or help you, and you're getting the good energy vibes: be not afraid, explore this a bit. Learn to extend your trust to someone who wants to help. People get quite a bit from helping others out. Let someone help you for a change.
  4.) Act in a friendship how you want to act, not how you think others will like. You'll meet people who like what you are, that you never expected! Accept that not everyone will like who you are or will like your choices.
  5.) Sometimes you're still gonna get burned.
  
  Since I've made the above changes, I've been happier and have seen a definite increase in the quality of my relationships and the quality of the people I meet and hang out with. I have a better sense of my own boundaries and sense of self. That isn't to say I've totally battled away anxiety or depression, or falling for narcissistic relationships: just have to keep my focus and keep working on my self-care. The more I practice this stuff, the more it becomes instinctual; this will be true for you too.
  
  Hope this helps!

WHOOOOOOAAAA there, honey, - HOW OLD ARE YOU? It will help me parse this. Second, full disclosure, I'm a mom of a 16 year old daughter, we totally love being girly at our house (and strong, and geeky, and happy, and silly, and whatever the fuck we feel like being) and I'm here to help. But, I'm really not bad at the "girly" stuff. We'll have you in pink sequins and feathers in no time! Cue the Makeover Montage Music....

Let's get you educated about SEX, and your sexuality, in a thorough, supportive, and feminist way first. SCARLETEEN to the rescue!! And if it's safe, bookmark that site, browse at your leisure, and if you have the means I highly recommend their book S.E.X.. It''s very upbeat, honest, sex-positive, and also covers ALL the issues - consent, respect for yourself, and respect your partner/s, and gives great advice on the modern real world of sexuality in it's many forms and pleasures out there for you to explore.

NEXT... and you are gonna love, love, love this assignment, it will reap rewards for you for years to come.... It's all about pleasure. YOUR pleasure, not his, though every man I've ever been with since has walked around saying "thank you Mama Gena's" with a dazed smile on his face, more than once.... Mama Gena's School Of Womanly Arts. Honestly, they should have stacks of these for free in every GYN office in the world. Trust Mama, she will get you properly "pussified" in no time... you'll be flirting, partying with your inner bitch, and having a grand old time. DO the HOMEWORK at the end of each chapter. They are fun.. but they are also part of growing into and owning your own womanhood.

Real story: I was going through a bad divorce, and in the self help section, actually looking for a book on how to be a good mom for my baby daughter and not some bitter divorcee at the time. Found Mama Gena's instead. Loved the book so much I took her classes in NYC... both Sister Goddess and Courtesan. Met the most amazing women, had fun, got real, got to the roots of a lot of issues I had and dropped them like the deadweight they were, and reinvented my life. I credit Mama for helping me find my own inner joy - and she has done that for THOUSANDS, if not tens of thousands, of us.

SO.... next ....Do you have Pinterest? Go get Pinterest. Start some boards for yourself to collect the pretty picture pins. What to look for that's extra girly? Capsule wardrobes, French fashion, skincare, ... OH, and MAKEUP DUPES. That's a real winner. You're going to be playing a lot with your newfound knowledge, it doesn't' make sense to throw money away when you need it for a million other things... being a girl, with all the fun trappings thereof, is EFFING expensive! Basically, instead of paying $40 for a blush, they tell you where you can spend $6 on a drugstore brand that's the exact same color. (And I vouch for this - Nars Orgasm blush is the best and most coveted color out there, but it's insanely expensive. Milani baked blush in Dolce Pink for the win!)

Relax and enjoy the journey. Developing your personal sense of style takes time, and is a lifelong process, and it should always be a pleasurable one. Here's a place to get you started, as a complete beginner. Are you on Facebook? Try following WhoWhatWear, they post constantly, and while it's extremely tempting to run out for every fresh, fun new thing you see.... hold back, and just get used to it pouring over you daily, you'll start to absorb ongoing themes that will elevate you from "trend" to "style"... trends go in and out in 5 minutes, style is timeless. Good taste is a cultivated skill... so start cultivating it, and once you do, you'll be able to save money by not making unnecessary purchases or wasteful bad choices.

Now, time to get serious, before I end this wall of a post.... regarding this:

>so no man is ever going ever going to go near me because I can't have sex with him, much less care about me.

You were not put on this earth just to provide sex to a man. EVER. NO WOMAN IS, young lady. That is NOT the purpose or definition of womanhood, no matter what fucked up twisted ass thing society and other people have told you. You are a whole, complete human being, - heart, mind, body and soul - with hopes, dreams, talents and a purpose that has nothing to do with pleasing others. Never forget that fact, and you will ALWAYS be a success.

It sounds like you're in a truly hard place. 8/10 on the ACE scores is terrifying for a young child to go through.

> Meds

The way my therapist described it was some problems were caused by a brain chemical imbalance, and some are learned through shitty childhoods. My opinion on meds is if i had an infection in my foot I would have no problems taking something to support my body in healing, and just because you can't see it doesn't mean brains are different. The thought of having to be on meds sucks, but if it can make life easier. My husband had a devastating breakdown before we met. He found the right drugs, adjusted them when he felt like they weren't meeting his needs, and they've changed his life. I've seen how positive they can be, and know that it's just brain chemistry playing up. You say you're sitting in a daze, it sounds like you could be a little depressed? Is it kinda like this? You need to be able to sort that to be able to interact with your daughter - that's a priority here.

> Therapy

It sounds like that psychiatrist is not the one for you. You need to find one you can trust, keeping in mind trust doesn't appear from the start, it's a relationship that grows through subsequent visits. You have to build a relationship with someone, and then eventually you will feel like opening up. And in the meantime you deal with small things. While you find someone you would like to form a therapy relationship with, why not look at something like the dialetical behavior therapy workbook. It's designed for people with BPD (Im working through it with my husband), and although I personally don't have BPD, I've found the concepts in it life changing. I think you'd get a bit out of this workbook, it's bought a sense of peace to my own life, and it's very empowering. It takes awhile to work through because it is emotionally taxing, but it's quite freeing at the same time.

It's time for you to start this, your little girl needs it to, and it sounds like you are a very caring person that is paralyzed by everything you've been through.

>I'm afraid I'll end up one myself. I want to become a better person.

A narcissist will never ever say that. A narcissist believes they are perfect and all their problem or imperfection are the faults of others. You are critical (maybe over critical) of your flaws and you take responsibility for them. You are already a better person than your mother, SOs, and friends. From your description of the people that surround you, I think you have the same problem I had. I tended to repeat the same relationship pattern I had with my mother with my friends, so I ended up making friends that treated me like my mother treated me. I blamed myself and made excuses for my (ex)friends when they abused and exploited me. When meet good people I wanted to be friends with, I would tell myself that I was not good enough to be their friends and they wouldn't want to hang out with me.

My first N-book was Children of the Self-Absorbed. It not only helped me describe my Nmom, but also helped describe the various affects it had on me. It has fun worksheets and little questionnaires. It has little messages at the end of each section, which I put on post-its and put it around my workstation. The post-its have been enormously helpful in guiding my thoughts and most importantly interactions with my parents and friends.

The Gift of Imperfection helped me recognized my shame and insecurity, and gave me tools to deal with them properly. It also has a lot of inspiring messages about living life to its potential after being emotionally battered. This book helped me open up and reach out. This book is also an easy read. I read it in a week on busy schedule.

This forum, too, has been an amazing support group - the next best thing to a good therapist. People are so incredibly supportive and understand. I feel comfortable posting my thoughts, feelings, and get responds on difficult issues. I have learned, cried, and healed and never felt judged.

Wow, what a horrible life story! I spent so much time reading that (happily) that I barely have time to comment before I have to go for now, but I see a lot of things I'd love to comment on. For example, near the end of the post, the very idea that you explained why you didn't go to the funeral of the person who abused you for most of your life seems so out of place, as if you thought that societal protocol and cultural norms of politeness, respect, etc., would need great justification for not being followed, or as if it was owed to her and disrespectful if you didn't go to her funeral, as if what type of person they were to you has no bearing on whether they deserve respect.


I realize these are inferences and assumptions, but just the fact that you even explained it at all, rather than realize it would be obvious to anyone reading this that any person in that situation not only shouldn't go to the person's funeral, but might express the desire to not go with emphasis and conviction.


I think you would greatly benefit from having some friends you could talk with or email with, with communicating more on here, where you could see for yourself how valid your own emotions and feelings are (because you seem unsure of things that seem to be to be obvious you should feel comfortable being certain of,) and with therapy - because of how very bad your life growing up was. I've never suggested therapy to anyone before. I have a strong concern for the risks of therapy, including everything from quackery, to incompetent therapists, to finding the right therapist who is both caring and competent, etc., but in a situation as bad as you described, I think it's worth at least attempting to find one who would be a good fit and helpful. Perhaps it could be started with online research. It seems like the risk of finding a therapist who isn't perfect is outweighed by the benefit you'd receive due to your growing up in such a horrendously abusive, dysfunctional way.

I've listened to the audiobook, The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman (Author) and Robert M. Pressman (Author), which is great and provides insight into what therapy might be like since it's a book by and for therapists who help people with narcissists in their family.

I also like this article -http://stopbadtherapy.com/test/therapy.shtml- on how to identify whether your therapist is a good or bad one.

But even without therapy, even if you find people here or anywhere to talk to, it would be helpful. Just imagine you read a story someone posted about horrible abuse (that's different than your abuse, but still horrible) and that that person has children. Then wonder: might that abuse have changed and affected the parent in ways that they don't even recognize, that can then have a negative effect on their children? I think that helps one to consider it.


I hope you do talk about things more though, whether here, or by making new friends, or through a counselor, or other online places. I think there's even an RBN chat, but it's hidden in a mod post somewhere rather than in the sidebar if I remember correctly.

It looks like you've put a great amount of effort into understanding your environment, world, the people surrounding you, etc., and I bet you have great insights and abilities as a result of your unfortunate, horrible situation. It looks like you're still struggling with some things though, but it's amazing how much it looks like you're not for the amount of abuse you've gone through.


I hope to have time to come back to your post during the week, because I see so much and have such little time right now.

I agree that therapy, both individual and couples, is WONDERFUL, and I think y'all should go for that if you have the time and money. When my husband and I were in school together and could take advantage of the "free" therapy, at one point we were both doing individual therapy AND couples therapy! :-P We can't afford to do that now (shitty insurance/not much income), but we do still work on ourselves and our relationship.

Four things that have helped me in my relationship with my husband, who's also an ACoN:

1. Know your sensitivities very well, and how it connects to your history with your family. Regarding knowing yourselves - in what particular ways did your parents injure you? Did you have similar roles in your families, or was one of you the GC and one of you the SG?
   
   
2. Communicate your sensitivities clearly (and in a calm moment) to one another. Not much learning can happen about one another when we're triggered, so if there's something important for my husband to know about me, I make sure to tell him after some calming-down time, and I ask him to do the same.
   
   
3. Something my therapist has encouraged me to do is explain the underlying feelings behind my actions (i.e. "I felt so sad because of X and that's why I said Y, I guess what I really needed in that moment was Z") - that has worked well in communicating effectively with my husband. Instead of attacking or defending, showing my vulnerability is A GOOD THING with my husband, which is the complete opposite of how to survive with N parents.
   
   
4. We've worked through reading a relationship book together. This one by Gottman is what we did, although we also wanted to read through Hold Me Tight, and perhaps we still will. It gives us a container for talking about these subjects, instead of relying on our arguments in the day-to-day.
   
   Hope that helps! Good for you guys for being self-aware and striving to work on your relationship.

Thank you for providing that extra context. I can see why you feel like having your partner cut contact with her mom could be a catalyst for addressing these issues.

It boils down to this-- you need to feel like you and your partner are on the same team. Even if you have disagreements or whatever -- at the end of the day, what matters is that your partner has your back. That they put your wellbeing and happiness before anyone else's.

What you describe is your partner NOT doing that for you. Bad mouthing you to her mother, no matter what the reason, is her prioritizing her mother over you. And hiding it when it happens is more evidence that she knows she shouldn't be doing it. To be honest, she sounds pretty fucking enmeshed with her mother. If you haven't read about codependency, it might be really informative.

On that note, you made a really astute comment:

>she has said things about me, negatively, only to keep her mom happy and from leaving her

To keep her mom from leaving her. Her MOM. What about YOU? Her partner??? You are forgiving and so you should be expected to be eternally understanding, while her mom is a child who needs to be placated and cannot be expected to handle change?

Nope.

You are absolutely right that the boundary should be "no shit-talking about me to your mother". And while I understand that your idea of having her cut contact with her mother would get rid of that problem, that's still in the territory of 'decisions that you don't get to make'. But what IS in your territory is expecting your partner to respect you. To not shit talk you to other people. YOU get to have that boundary with your partner. And it will put her in an uncomfortable spot. She will have to figure out how to respect you while still dealing with her mother.

There is a really good (though really heteronormative) book called Passionate Marriage that describes the process of people in committed relationships encouraging growth in each other. It is predicated on the idea that you can't force other people to change... but when you take care of your own needs (like in this case, your need to be respected) by setting and enforcing boundaries, you can inadvertently encourage your partner to examine what isn't working, which can result in them examining their own behavior and making changes. This is not a guarantee, of course; your partner may continue to violate your boundary and it may ultimately be a deal-breaker for you. But in both cases you have taken care of yourself by standing up for what you need.

If this resonates with you, I would encourage you to explore couples therapy as a mediated space where you can address how you aren't feeling respected. I think that is a really important element here that you can entirely own and work on, even though it derives from your partner's unhealthy relationship with her mother. I really think that staying focused on how your needs aren't being met in your relationship is the healthiest way forward.

Hugs if you want them.

How old is your child? Can you think of specific situations you have struggled with?

First, full disclosure. I'm not a parent, but I am wrestling with this myself while waiting to adopt an infant. I am also acting as a pseudo secondary mother to my teenage sister who is still under the thumb of our nmom. The work for the former, in conjunction with facing issues with nmom head on, has resulted in a huge difference with my sister. I used to perpetuate my mom's abuses, but since then an increase in empathy, patience and respect for autonomy has made all the difference. Situationally it looks different with younger kids, but it comes from the same place.


YMMV of course, but thus far our philosophy can be boiled down to a few core elements:

• Children are immature yet whole beings, entitled to every bit of respect that adults are entitled to
  
  
• Discipline means literally "to teach." Discipline =/= punishment, humiliation, or shame
  
  
• We "work with" instead of "do to"
  
  
• Parenting is the gradual process of perpetually stepping back
  
  
  Of my giant stack of books, I'd recommend:
  
  
• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn Resource on gentle parenting. Heavily cited and supported by evidence. Also see The Myth of the Spoiled Child.
  
  
• Parenting from the Inside Out by Daniel Siegel Addresses attachment theory, how it effects brain development, how childhood attachment style and trauma effects your parenting as an adult, and how to work with it. Also key is the difference between enmeshing yourself in your child's feelings vs guiding them through them.
  
  
• No Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel I haven't read this yet, but I'm a fan of Siegel, so...
  
  
• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber This is a classic, very readable. Gives concrete strategies, and walks through practical scenarios. Discusses natural consequences vs purely punitive measures.
  
  
  If you're a busy parent who doesn't have time to read, I highly recommend this Siegel playlist about attachment and this video about communication and boundaries. Those two will probably lead you down a pretty decent youtube rabbit hole.
  
  Good luck!

I've been LC with NMom for 15 years, since moving across the country for college. I'm getting better and better at being medium chill (I didn't know that was a thing until I just read about it, but I've been doing it on my own!) and I've found some things that work:

• "It sounds like you're upset and need some time to calm down. I'm going into the other room until you're ready to talk calmly." (AMAZED that this actually worked. I hope it keeps working.) She once started going all N in front of my toddler son, so I told him "Grandma is upset. Let's go play in the other room while she calms down."
  
• DBT! For me, and now I got NMom doing the DBT Workbook since I told her it helped me a lot with my depression. I really can't recommend this enough for everyone, it has helped me SO much: http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1572245131/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1451574781&sr=8-1&keywords=dbt+workbook (It was actually developed to treat people with BPD!)
  
• Frequent short phone calls with "I have to go now" as soon as she crosses any boundaries. Slow-paced training is working!
  
• I've been talking with my son about boundaries ("we only touch others how they want to be touched," "we don't hit/pinch/bite even when we're angry") and that grown-ups make their own happiness but that Grandma forgot how to make herself happy. I hope this works.

Here's a recent post about not loving our N parents that might help show you that you are not the only one who feels this way. I HATED my mother growing up. She was and still is a very unloving, brutal person. Why would I love her? The guilt is probably just societal programming, where not loving and honoring your parents is blasphemous. But if you look at it logically, it makes total sense why we feel this way. How would a dog react to being hit every time it came close to you? Would it love you and try to be affectionate with you? NO. It would probably cower in fear around you or any person, and would snap and attack. Why should we hold ourselves to a different standard than we would any other animal? You get what you give, and what have they given us?

If I were you, I would emancipate myself entirely and ASAP. This is close to what I did. Right at 18, I moved hours away and mostly paid almost all my own bills. My parents really didn't support me too much. I think my mother took out one small school loan and my dad sent me $100 a month, but I could have easily survived without that. I removed ALL ties with them as quickly as I could, because they used anything for manipulation. This really isn't too hard to do.

If you can't do that right now, it sounds like you're detaching emotionally which is good. Maybe you can just keep to yourself and try to survive until you get some physical distance from them. Don't engage them in any way. Only interact with them when you HAVE to. If they hassle you, maybe you can just agree (in principle or even just to placate them) and exit the situation ("yep you're probably right about that, OK gotta go!"). But DO try to get out ASAP. Don't jump into another shitty situation though. See if you can find a female roommate you can stand living with. I wouldn't move in with your boyfriend or another male just out of desperation because I find this usually ends BADLY. But obviously this is up to you. Try to find a place that's SAFE for you and don't just jump from one shitty situation to another.

Then as far as rebuilding your self-esteem, for me I had to get into therapy. If you can do this it could save your life. If that isn't possible, here are a list of cheap books that have helped me immensely (which I recommend reading and working through with or without therapy):

• Feeling Good and Ten Days To Self-Esteem by David Burns
  
• The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
  
• Toxic Parents by Susan Forward (I don't agree with her recommendation on confronting your parents but the rest is good.)
  
  I believe there are a list of resources including a full list of books on the right sidebar too. If you don't like any of these resources, you can ALWAYS find something that will appeal to you if you keep working at it. There is SO much out there for us if we keep at it. Be sure to take breaks too. This work can be exhausting.
  
  If you can get into Al-Anon that might help too. I personally don't care for 12-step programs, but many people seemed to have been helped by them and Al-Anon is specifically recommended by many books. They say it's for people who have dealt with alcoholics and drug addicts, but I tell you I went to six meetings like they recommend, and it's NO DIFFERENT for those of us who have dealt with narcissism. I've read that all alcoholics are narcissists, so maybe that's why it was so relevant to me. One slogan I picked up that helped a lot is "You Didn't Cause It. You Can't Control It. You Can't Cure It." We didn't cause our parents to be the way that they are, we can't control it (no amount of letter writing, talking, setting boundaries, etc.) and there is nothing we can do to change them. The literature is pretty dismal when it comes to curing narcissism anyway (NPD). Either way, they'd have to want to get help and help themselves, which rarely ever happens. So we have to focus on ourselves and forget about helping them - this is not selfish! We were often groomed to take care of them and our feelings, wants and needs were completely inconsequential. We were just extensions of them. This is probably why it feels so selfish at first to start taking care of ourselves.
  
  >I'm currently depressed and see no good in life.
  
  I've been working at this for a LONG time and still feel this way sometimes. I think it's partly due to growing up where "you lose" is the name of the game. Getting your needs met is completely hopeless with N parents, so perhaps that feeling of hopelessness extends to all of life. Plus, hopelessness is a classic symptom of depression. If you feel hopeless, just know that it doesn't mean it's true. Feelings are NOT facts.
  
  Aside from my other recommendations, I would continue to come here and post and read all that you can read. Claw your way out of this bullshit if you have to. Journaling helps. Get a secure journal NO ONE ELSE will read and just free flow write your thoughts down. If you're feeling terrible, give your feelings a voice. It's like draining the poison from you. Plus if you're doing the work out of Feeling Good, you'll need a good journal to write in daily. My first therapist recommended this for YEARS and I never did it, but I tell it just free flow writing out shit does seem to help tremendously. If you have a Mac, you can use MacJournal, or for Windows there is "The Journal", both of which you can encrypt and password protect. If you want to just write on paper or if you already do just make sure you hide it well.
  
  The other night I had a bout of terrible depression and you would not BELIEVE the shit that I wrote down about myself ("you're a piece of shit!!!" and stuff like that). I wrote until I just felt "deflated", like I had drained myself. It helped a LOT. I then realized that I hadn't been doing several things for myself that I know have helped in the past, and I have rededicated myself to doing these things daily. Many of these actions I have recommended to you here.
  
  Hope this helps even in the slightest and good luck to you.

Your parents are ridiculous. You're smart to want to know about finances while you're still in college. I'll bet few of your classmates are doing this.

Here's a good list of resources for money stuff:

• To find out what loans you owe, request a free credit report from annualcreditreport.com. You can get a free report a year from each of the 3 credit agencies, so ideally you can get another report every 4 months. Or shell out a small fee to get a report every month. The report will list out all the debt you owe and who you owe it to. This is also a good way to make sure there's no identity theft going on and no one's taken out debt in your name.
  
  
• Check your credit score for free at CreditKarma. A good credit score means it's easier to get approved for credit cards and loans, which comes in handy when you're buying a car, getting an apartment or buying a house. Not only that but you'll pay lower interest fees which means you save a ton of money in the long term.
  
  
• I will teach you to be rich by Ramit Sethi. Still one of the best books around for understanding money, especially for college students and 20 somethings. Good resource for learning about student loans, bank accounts, credit and investing.
  
  Keep talking to your financial aid officer and don't tell your parents anything. Play dumb until you're out of their house for good. They're freaking out over losing control of you.

Yes, I was very much like that as well. For me, it took therapy and I highly recommend it. For me, the wounds were just too deep for just books or friends to heal. I needed a professional.

You also may find something helpful in this book. What you are describing is at least in part codependency and many people have recommended this book for htat problem. However, I admit that I haven't read it. I have only had close friends that loved it and found it very helpful.

That word 'family' is such a kicker.

(Still remember the day I realised my NSister was including me in the definition whenever she said "my family".)

I have an elderly NMother (in her 80s) and it's all about NSupply. Positive or negative it's all the same, all attention seeking. I missed a week visiting her (also due to illness) and next time I saw her she feigned being physically unable to speak, because "no-one ever speaks to me, I haven't spoken to anyone all week, so I forget how to talk out loud". When I suggested we got her some medical help for that she suddenly remembered how to speak clearly, obviously...

There is a book I found quite helpful. It's not a help book, but the experiences of a woman with an elderly NMother, so it's quite supportive and funny in a kind of nod-along-yep-mine-does-that-too kind of way

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/1608198065/ref=s9_simh_gw_p14_d0_i1?pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_s=center-2&pf_rd_r=0S4MZFWK8KV6XWD6B6V9&pf_rd_t=101&pf_rd_p=455344027&pf_rd_i=468294

In the end I went NC. I'm absolutely not suggesting that for you. Just reflecting on my own experiences. I never, ever thought I'd do it and I argued for over a year that I just couldn't. I was NMother's only family, and her care needs were starting to increase, how could I abandon her? Then it just happened. Totally unplanned. One day she verbally swiped at me too far, then when I left her that evening I never went back.. now six months have passed and the relief is immense.

Wishing you every strength in your own journey with your N. x

Ugh, I wrote this whole post for you and then it didn't post!!!

I'll try to recap. FYI I have two sons, only child of an Nmom & Edad.

1. I think it's clear your son trusts you. You're doing something right.
   
   
2. It's a struggle for us ACoNs to know if we're doing a good job being parents, and I think that especially as golden children we have a hard time being critical. My parents say the same thing about me, how "good" I was and how I entertained myself. Um, I was good because if I wasn't, you didn't love me. But that's a digression. I would recommend checking out a few things about positive parenting. Two resources: this is THE book on positive parenting, recommended by the woman we took some parenting workshops with and my p-doc. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
   
   Other resource: parentingbydrrene.com
   
   These two resources will walk you through what it looks like to have empathy for your kid. So when they're acting out, start with their emotional state. Acknowledge & recognize their emotions. Then you can offer them choices, ways to figure out how to solve their own problem. This is EXACTLY what we never received as kids - and let me tell you, when you get it right it feels very healing to be able to be that parent that you know you never had. My kids feel comfortable telling me that I'm annoying, they hate me, or whatever.
   
   Final thought - the three things that we, as parents, need to provide are simple. Structure, autonomy, and warmth. Often we had as children a lack of structure (we never knew what the reaction of our Nparents was going to be), a total lack of autonomy since we were just an extension of our Nparent, and warmth but only when the Nparent felt like it. You're asking the right questions. You're gonna be great. <3

"and I feel guilty for encouraging her to express her feelings. "


Oh my goodness! Please do not, on any level feel guilty for trying to reach your daughter a healthy and important method of dealing with her feelings, trying to set boundaries, and expressing herself. Don't forget that you, nor your daughter, were in the wrong. In a healthy relationship you'd both have been received on an even level with openness and an effort to understand.


Your anger is totally justified and not misplaced. Something you may want to read/listen to via audio book is https://www.amazon.ca/Sheeps-Clothing-Understanding-Dealing-Manipulative/dp/1935166301/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=sheeps+clothing&qid=1572936407&sr=8-3


It can help you better understand your manipulator and the potential impact they can have on yourself, and your daughter. I personally go the audio book route as I can multi task and listen to it. It's 100% worth it however to invest time in this.


Both you and your daughter (and your mother since she's likely to be subjected to his manipulative activities too) deserve a better and healthier environment.


Wishing you and your daughter all the best! Don't ever let your step fathers actions make you feel like expressing yourself is a bad idea. That's his goal (to avoid the consequences of his actions).

You are making a mistake and you have been trained by your N so you do not see it.

If you are looking to her to change so your life is better, then she is STILL in control.

To make your life better you need to be in control. This is done by either going no NC, or by setting very hard very inflexible boundaries.

Tell her this, "I am glad that you made such an important realization the other day. Just so you know- the time of our relationship where I listen to you yell and scream and fight is over. From now forward when you raise your voice - I will leave the situation. I will get in my car and go do something that make me happy-becuase listening to you yell and argue is NEVER going to be on my agenda again."

Saying this to her will probably cane nothing and mean nothing. But if you actually do it, do it every time, and never apologize for it, then your life will be better.

You need to treat an N parent the way a (good) parent treats a toddler. Not with punishment but with bondaries and natural consequences. Here is an idea I shared in another post an hour ago; buy this book; Tell me what to say."

You have never seen a healthy parent child relationship-so learn what one is.

Then, on reading the book, learn how to control situations without drama and punishments but with calm and healthy consequences.

Bonus: If you decide to have kids you will have a much better chance of not letting any of your mom's unhealthy ways seep into your own parenting.

My therapist works with the method also described in this book https://www.amazon.com/Self-Therapy-Step-Step-Cutting-Edge-Psychotherapy/dp/0984392777/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=15U7E1FOU8Y2U&keywords=self+therapy+jay+earley&qid=1554523698&s=gateway&sprefix=self+th&sr=8-1

For me it is really helpful, especially because it focuses on solution and not on the problems.

Give it a try, perhaps the book is even enough for you, or then you know what kind of therapist can help you. And in the worst case you spent 17$ for nothing.

It took me 42 years to realise, that I can feel better. And seeing some success is a huge motivation for me to continue.
I have half of my life behind me, so at least I want to have the second half of my life a good life. I f...ing deserve it. And so do you, I hope you reach this goal faster than I did.

> Even when I do get out, I think about how I’ll always have trauma and carry it with me for the rest of my life from how she treated me.

sounds like you are "spinning"

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-squeaky-wheel-of-anxiety-how-to-stop-your-spinning-mind-0520155

You WILL always have the trauma as a part of your past. That is unavoidable. However, you will NOT necessarily have to "carry it" for the rest of your life. We are all extremely lucky that now, in this day and age, there is very good mental health therapy and resources available to recover, if not completely, then mostly or very well, from past trauma. But that can only come from your desire to do so, if you want. No one can force you to make you want to help yourself. Only you have the power to do that.

When you realize that you can empower yourself, and there is light at the end of the tunnel, then you will have hope and that hope can sustain you.

For now, it may just be a matter of toughing it out and having grit to bear through the bullshit. Remember that it's not your fault that your mother is treating you poorly and is so narcissistic. Establish and enforce healthy boundaries. Have empathy for YOURSELF.

here's an excellent book you can use in a very step-by-step way:

https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837

if you really read that carefully, take notes, and follow it's workbook-like directives, I believe you'll find it very helpful

Hey OP. Congratulations to you, your sister, and your mother for moving out and to your mum for filing for divorce. I'd love to say that it'll be easier from here on out, but no promises. I can say, that despite everything that happened afterwards, my parents' divorce was the best thing that happened to me.

Speaking from my past, my parents' divorce caused a whole slew of issues, most likely since it was the first time we were all "free". There was this huge disconnect from my sister and my mom at that time because we were all trying to find our own way after being forced to manage and comfort each other and make do for so many years. I'm sorry you don't have therapy readily available to you; it took me several years of very intense therapy to get back on a stable road. There are some online resources that can maybe help you out: Sam Vaknin's YouTube Channel or this book that helped both me & my mum

That hollowness is to be expected. You've probably been so tense and in "fight or flight" mode for so long, that this change may not have registered yet. Or, maybe you're waiting for the panic moment where you'll need a reaction. Either way, try to just do go through the motions like sleeping, eating, and breathing. It sounds silly, but you may start to notice how it feels different. Also, I imagine your Ndad made you constantly feel like a problem; that conditioning doesn't go away. For a long time, I was angry at him. Sometimes, I still feel that anger. Then, I remind myself that my experiences, even the absolutely horrible ones, made me and shaped me into the person that I am...and that's good.

You deserve a healthy, happy life. You deserve to be happy. And I wish you all the best in your route in life.

EDIT: Sam Vaknin is a narcissit, however he is a self-aware one and as such studies the personality disorder. It does not make him someone "nice" to be close to or deal with on an interpersonal level, but he does have an insight into the personality disorder that is hard to find elsewhere. I am not suggesting trying to get close to him or work with him; just check out some of his videos and see for yourself if what he's saying makes sense. It did for me.

It's so absurd and if you aren't in therapy people just say you're not trying hard enough or don't really want to get better, like being a victim, etc. Fuck 'em. They have no idea what's going on or what it's like.

 

I love therapy books now, haha. I hated the idea of self help but these aren't selling anything, they're fairly clinical approaches and written by actual health professionals, not gurus or 'personalities.'

 

Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward

 

Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw

 

Healing the Incest Wound by Christine B. Courtois This one is pretty good but the language focuses heavily on father/daughter incest which is limiting, unfortunately.

 

The Tao of Fully Feeling by Pete Walker Don't let the full title mislead you, it's absolutely not about forgiving your parents, it's about learning to accept the shitty feelings that linger even after treatment.

 

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker A life changing book, really. I'm particularly fond of Pete Walker because he is a therapist AND an abuse survivor himself so he's not just talking from the ivory tower, he's been through it and the compassion and empathy he has for other survivors is evident in his writing.

You're awesome! I love this sub too it makes it feel like I'm not alone. Going through all these past things in order to heal yourself can get really lonely and exhausting sometimes. :) It makes it feel like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Here's some stuff that really helped get started in recognizing my internalized shame and made me feel more hopeful about things, maybe some of it will be helpful to you too! :

on vulnerability

on shame

[and her book]
(http://www.amazon.com/Gifts-Imperfection-Think-Supposed-Embrace/dp/159285849X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1457589080&sr=8-2&keywords=brene+brown+imperfect) that I just started reading, give it a shot if you like her TED talks.

I’m coming into awareness of this N-parent thing later in life too. Tell them it doesn't work. Give the the number of days they can stay, if any. Be honest with what works for you and tell them and tell them they have to get a hotel if they desire to stay longer. And hold your ground. You owe them no explanation! This is the hard part to get -- but get it please. It will make your life easier.

The thing about N's is they want an explanation of why. Why--what ever it is because they want to minimize our thoughts, feelings, or correct our actions and tell us what they want it to be — because we must be in alignment with them, we are after all an extension of them. When my Nmom starts pumping me like this. I give her very little eye contact and don’t play the game she is baiting me with.

And the little 3 year old look is called the martyr, it is a classic N manipulation stance. Don’t fall for it.
What you can manage is what you can manage. PERIOD.

N”s know our buttons and push them. They thrive on drama, chaos and control - being on top of a relationship. Grudges come when boundaries are not respected. It is your internal anger that is screaming NO! And boundaries are absolutely ignored growing up in a N-household. Coming to this at this point in your life it is understandable you would have some grudges. There is a life time of behavior and violation that hasn’t and will never be acknowledge by the N. So don’t look for it there it will never come. That was a hard one for me to come too. I spend years on inner work while the little girl in my still wanted to be acknowledge and accepted. That is an inside job.

I sometimes think the flip polarity to an N parent is a life time of learning boundaries. I’ve found my Nmom still doesn’t like them but guess what they are there and it’s her problem to deal with them.
And weddings are loaded as it is. Throw a N in there and it’s can be a little dynamo! We just had an out of state wedding where my Nmom traveled with us. It was the best of times and the worst of times.

If you haven’t gotten counseling yourself you might want to. Dont’ know if I answered all your questions. ask again if there is something specific.

There are a lot of great books out there. A few that I’ve read that have been helpful.

The first one I read is Karyl McBride’]’s “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?” She has a website. http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com

The Object of my Affection is my Reflection
http://www.amazon.com/Object-My-Affection-Reflection-Narcissists/dp/075730768X

The Wizard of OZ
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0972072837/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_3?pf_rd_p=1944687462&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=075730768X&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1243YBT8DNBVQZCSYNKH

and another good link....http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill

This isn't a perfect solution but there are temporary ways to lock your door. Products like this door security bar can help you lock yourself into your room without leaving a permanent locking mechanism.
Master Lock 265DCCSEN Dual-Function Security Bar https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_uioFybQT1JHDF
You would have to hide the bar when it's not in use, but perhaps if you do what someone else suggested and get a closet that locks, you could keep the bar in there?
I hope this helps! Good luck.

Excellent idea! Here are some resources that have been especially useful to me.

Books

Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion

Practically Shameless: How Shadow Work Helped Me Find My Voice, My Path, and My Inner Gold

The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships

Taming Your Gremlin: A Surprisingly Simple Method for Getting Out of Your Own Way

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Experiential Programs
These two programs are similar in scope. They provide a supportive, accepting environment to help heal old wounds, break out of patterns that no longer serve you and find empowerment. I have both taken and staffed the Woman Within training weekend and so can personally recommend it as a valuable resource for ACONs.

Woman Within International

*The ManKind Project

You should read Whole Again! (https://www.amazon.com/Whole-Again-Rediscovering-Relationships-Emotional/dp/0143133314). I picked this up on a whim at Barnes and Noble fully expecting to return it, but I ended up reading it almost in one sitting because the way he describes self love FINALLY clicked with me. Its a great read.

Hi, this is my first time posting in this group. First I want to say I’m sorry you feel this way and I have been there too.

Have you seen a therapist? I’ve been seeing a therapist and doing EMDR therapy since November and I can’t even tell you how much progress I’ve made in gaining self-esteem. Here is more info about EMDR if you are unfamiliar with it: EMDR Institute.

Another thing that greatly helped me were Pete Walker’s books, especially Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. His other book, the Tao of Fully Feeling is wonderful as well.

The other thing that’s helped me has been developing and sticking to a daily exercise routine, proper nutrition, sleep, and cutting out booze/addictive behaviors.

I know that may sound preachy, but adopting these self-care practices along with the therapy have completely changed my life.

If this all sounds overwhelming, just at least check out Complex PTSD .

I hope you can find something here to help you!

You're absolutely welcome. I would recommend Self Therapy by Jay Earley. There is also a work book you can do! I'd highly recommend YNAB (You Need a Budget) which is a book and budgeting software. I'm 23 and going through this, if I was 18, I'd do things so differently, and it would start with self knowledge (through the self therapy book) and financial responsibility.


I want to make a point here: I had $10,000+ saved up by the time I was 19. I thought of myself as responsible, which I was at the time, I didn't eat out much, didn't buy many things I didn't need, and so forth. But because I lacked the self knowledge (if you don't know yourself, you can make some stupid decisions like buying things for social status, moving out because you are full of more rage than you are full of planning, etc.) and because I didn't know how to make a budget, I shot myself in the foot.


Do you think it would be possible to order those books (assuming you want them)? I'd be worried about your parents opening the packages. However, Amazon lets you order books to a location that isn't your address (basically they are lockers where your package is delivered, usually somewhere safe like outside a Bank)


I don't know to what extent your parents try to control you, examine your purchases, etc. but do you think you could get access to books like those (again doesn't have to be those specifically) so that you can help yourself heal?

The Gifts of Imperfection Brene Brown
Codependent No More Melody Beattie [with these books, be cautious there is some victim-shaming, but the advice holds well to avoid being codependent and people pleasing.

This book probably saved my life in my 20s, it's older, wish they told me of no contact but it was good for the time.
https://www.amazon.com/Emotionally-Abused-Woman-Overcoming-Destructive/dp/0449906442

That book was what sparked my "ah-ha!" moment as well. It was like every page described my life. I went back and read it again, and it's far from perfect, but I value it for being the catalyst that helped me understand what was happening in my life.

Another book I found quite useful was The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. It gives more practical advice on how to deal with toxic people.

It sounds like your NMom expected this to happen or it's happened before which is worrying. Please remember that none of this is your fault! And while you did mention you want to protect your brothers, you might have to make a very difficult decision to include the police, especially if this escalates (there is also a chance he might try to molest your brothers).

For now, I would highly suggest talking to a school counselor (not sure how old you are) or calling child/adult sexual abuse services hotline. It's better to find out your options so that instead of simply being quiet because you are afraid, you can plan. Confide in a friend so that if you need a place to quickly escape too, you can already have that backup. Start planning your escape when you feel comfortable doing so and make sure to get all of your papers (social, ID's, medical etc.)

As for the very right now, improvise a lock using heavy furniture. If you can buy a security bar (https://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-Security-Adjustable-265DCCSEN/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1521393211&sr=8-6&keywords=door+stopper) or buy a door knob with a lock and install it (I did mine just by learning from Youtube).

Parents are responsible for their childrens behavior. This could be a blind spot preventing you from holding your own parents accountable. If you can't emotionally understand this you wont logically understand this following argument.

If a parent needs to get their children to do something or not to do something out of fear of punishment then it's not a relationship. It's dictatorship and you'll never get respect or compliance from your children when you act like you know what's best for them - and this is the reason why abuse escalates.

It's the parents responsibility to teach their children right and wrong by talking and listening to them, helping them understand, and ultimately modelling that behaviour themselves.

Before you have children, it's important to work on yourself because everything you experienced as a child from abusive parents thats lingering in your unconscious will come to the surface when you have your own children.

It seems you area already projecting some of this by thinking experimentation like smoking in the room or lying about homework is bad. Wouldn't it be better to foster a relationship where your children can you tell they tried a cigarette or don't want to do their homework? That way you can actually be involved in their lives.

If you raise your children correctly I wouldn't worry about most bad activities because you'll give them the skills to know better. The science shows that addictions, victim of bullying and peer pressure are all caused by child abuse and an unstable home. If you want to know more about this look up Gabor Mate (I have more resources).

Actually as children get older they become easier to parent when you raise them peacefully and being involved because you have built up a relationship.

Here are books I'd recommend:
Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Love-Matters-Affection-Shapes/dp/1583918175

The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self http://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Revised/dp/0465016901

The Truth Will Set You Free: Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self http://www.amazon.com/Truth-Will-Set-You-Free/dp/0465045855[2]

For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the Roots of Violence http://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693[3]

Stefan Molyneux: Real-Time Relationships: The Logic of Love http://www.freedomainradio.com/free/books/FDR_3_PDF_Real_Time_Relationships.pdf

On Truth: The Tyranny of Illusion http://board.freedomainradio.com/blogs/freedomain/archive/2008/09/11/book-on-truth-the-tyranny-of-illusion.aspx

Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication http://www.amazon.com/Between-Parent-Child-Revolutionized-Communication/dp/0609809881

Playful Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865

Unconditional Parenting http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Parenting-Moving-Rewards-Punishments/dp/0743487486

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves http://www.naomialdort.com/book.html

Parent Effectiveness Training http://www.amazon.com/Parent-Effectiveness-Training-Responsible-Children/dp/0609806939

The Philosophical Baby: What Children's Minds Tell Us About Truth, Love, and the Meaning of Life http://www.amazon.com/Philosophical-Baby-Childrens-Minds-Meaning/dp/0374231966

What's Going on in There? : How the Brain and Mind Develop in the First Five Years of Life http://www.amazon.com/Whats-Going-There-Brain-Develop/dp/0553378252

Becoming the Kind Father: A Son's Journey http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Kind-Father-Sons-Journey/dp/0865715823

Connection Parenting http://connectionparenting.com/connection-parenting-book.html

Psychiatrists are mostly medication prescribers now. And college counselors (with bachelor's -- not master's) degrees are usually very limited skills- and concepts-wise. I will suggest looking into the following books for the concepts, as well as some of the coping skills (and then see further below for more).

Nina Brown's Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents

Eleanor Payson's The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

Lindsay Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents

Elan Golomb's Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in the Struggle for Self

Susan Forward's Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life (a bit long in tooth now, but still useful) and Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

Kimberlee Roth & Frieda Friedman's Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem

(I've read -- actually deeply studied, using each as a workbook -- all of them, and feel comfortable recommending them.)

For the continuing upshots of having been raised by such parents, I currently use Ogden's SP4T as the 9th of the 10 StEPs of Emotion Processing, but had good results over the years with EMDR, DBT, MBCT, ACT and MBSR. The 10 StEPs, DBT, MBCT and ACT are combinations of CBT with experiential, more-or-less "insight meditation" techniques. SP4T, MBSR and EMDR are more directly experiential and less cognitive (or "about thinking").

I'd avoid being "right" or "wrong". Usually these blow ups are not triggered by the particular event but by what the child feels (rightly or wrongly) to be a pattern of irresponsibility.

If you can, see if you can get to the root of the issue. There's a very good book:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889
that outlines a lot of strategies to open communication channels between parents and children.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0972072837/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1383163141&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165_QL70

You are falling into your own narcissistic tendencies by trying to play hero for your brother. Very, very unhealthy behavior exhibited by all parties here.

I can't help with much, but I can suggest this book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. https://www.amazon.com/Wizard-Oz-Other-Narcissists-Relationship/dp/0972072837 I actually got it because an excerpt I read sounded like an ex of mine and I wanted to know more, ended up reading about my childhood. Give it a shot?

At the end of the day, you can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. I would suggest having a dedicated conversation regarding this. Lay out all of your concerns, and back it up with texts/resources. Some are available through this sub. I also highly recommend this book.

Talk with her about it calmly and respectfully. Let her know what is non-negotiable for you. Do you even want any interaction with her mother? Are you worried that she’ll attempt to financially abuse you too, via your gf?

Cover your ass. I would say that if gf does remotely anything to help/assist/enable her Nmom to abuse you too should be the bare minimum line that can’t be crossed.

[maybe you could buy a door jam?] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_NZ12CbGGKTCQC)