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Hey, our circumstances are different but are also somewhat similar and I know that when I made posts in the days and weeks after my breakup, so many people helped me and this is my attempt to extend that to you.

tl;dr of my breakup, I am a 26 year old male, we dated for 7 years, she left me 3 months ago because we became 2 different people.

Now that that's out of the way, I want to talk about our similarities and sort of the process that I've been going through, because I think it can help you. I will discuss the things that seemed to help me the most and recommend some things to get you through the tough days.

My world completely collapsed. At first was shock, I literally had no idea how to react. I didn't see it coming at all and that isn't to say that our relationship was perfect. We built a life together and a future, marriage, kids all of it. I was completely embedded in her family, nephews looked up to me, relatives all loved me, friends loved me. All of it was gone in an instant and I didn't know what to do.

The next week or so was me falsely thinking she must have been mistaken and that this whole thing was just going to be fixed when I talked to her again. I was pretty down, but I was sort of looking forward to talking to her and telling her we could work things out. She seemed confused at first and didn't know what she wanted, and this gave me false hope I guess.

We talked again and it was more clear that it was over, but I still couldn't comprehend what was happening. I went to talk to her with the intension of just talking about what I had learned about us and myself but it turned into begging and crying again which is EXACTLY what I DID NOT want to do.

The following week I felt like I accepted it, at least I thought. I started getting involved in so many things. I was seeing a therapist (highly recommended), playing soccer, going out with friends, reading self-help books, getting into ice hockey, I started p90x, I was planning events like hiking, and generally just being busy all the time. That week was much better, I felt like I was making positive steps.

The next week I hit rock bottom. I got a cold and all of my energy was shot. Finally reality hit and it hit really hard. For about 7 days I can say I was in a dark place, very depressed. I wasn't contemplating suicide, but I felt hopeless. I set out on a plan to better myself anyway I could so I took this time to try and turn it into a positive. I wasn't close to many people in my family and I decided to use them as a crutch for the first real time in my life. I cried to my parents, my brother, my aunts and uncle.

For the first time in my life I needed them and they showed up big time. Being able to break down like that and have someone talk you through it helps strengthen relationships with people you might not think you're close with. People will generally want to help you out.

After that awful week I felt better. I got my energy back and I started to distract myself again. On the advice of my therapist, I began to take more time for myself in an effort to be okay alone. I had made strides at feeling better while busy but I also needed to confront all of those thoughts and try to deal with them. I started to journal and set out to learn more about mindfulness. The journaling was slow at first and felt strange as I had never done it. I have probably written 12 or so entries now and it's definitely helping at this point. Journaling forces you to slow down your thoughts to get them on paper. This is huge and I will highlight this again below.

Mindfulness is still something I haven't done too much. I read a book on the topic and I will continue to pursue this as I read about the science behind it and how it can help a lot with anxiety etc.

This is sort of where I stand now. I am out of that deep depression and panic. There are times when I am overwhelmed with thoughts and feeling very negative about everything but I fight through it as best as I can. We have not contacted each other in about 35 days and even then it was just about money owed for the apartment etc. Am I over her? Absolutely not. I am learning to deal with it and try to move on. There are days where I believe it is over and days where I believe she might reach out to me and talk.

My goal right now? I don't plan on reaching out to her anytime soon. It is up to her right now and not me. I have goals to better myself and that is regardless of if she comes back or not. People will tell me that I need to move on and let her go. In a way, I am and I have, but in another way I have not let her go yet. I am okay with that, I am not going to force myself to hate her to rid the idea of her from my mind. Everyone is different and my plan is to seek happiness being single before I even think about reaching out to her or try dating of any kind. That is just me!

So... here is what I think will help you the most.

1. If you are feeling okay, if for a moment or a day, that is okay! When people say this is a roller coaster, they mean it! I remember my first few days of feeling okay and I freaked out thinking I didn't love her anymore. Sounds crazy but I think everyone has this moment. Just try to relax and be happy that you have a moment to catch your breath.
   
   
2. If you're feeling really down, it's okay to stay there for a bit. Feel those emotions because you won't want to do anything else then anyway. Just make sure you don't stay in that place, call a friend or family member to help you out of it. You can always revisit to let more out later.
   
   
3. Try to remember all of the good things in your life! Think of all the good people, all of the good fortune, everything. You are doing so awesome at life compared to other people. Be thankful for what you have. I know that this is easier said then done but just give it a shot.
   
   
4. Remember that everything you are experiencing and will experience in the coming weeks has been felt by most people on the planet. You will realize soon that every song on the radio is written about this exact situation... it doesnt make it easier but it leads me to my next point.
   
   
5. LISTEN TO TALK RADIO! I listen to sports radio, but if you aren't into that, find something else similar. Don't force yourself down a path of depression by listening to music that you either liked with your ex or lyrics that suddenly make you cry... just don't do it.
   
   
6. Try to get a therapist to talk to. It was the best thing I ever did!
   
   
7. Realize that this is going to take time, and don't beat yourself up for taking that time. Feel exhausted tomorrow because you're doing too much to try and move on, take a break and look at it as a positive step.
   
   
8. Read "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot. This book was like a close friend that I could talk to when I was feeling down and really comforted me. Please read it. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1415741166&sr=8-1&keywords=getting+past+your+breakup
   
   
9. Live day by day. This is the most important thing in my mind. It's going to be hard but it will get easier if you try. You literally need to only worry about this moment for now. Try to live minute by minute then hour by hour then day by day. Don't let your mind wander to the future. When you are feeling down, everything will seem down, so of course you will think your future is bleak.. its not, it just you projecting your current mindset onto the future. My advice is to try to plan or ask others to plan something different each week. Something you can look forward to. At first it might not be "fun" but it will distract you and then it will be fun.
   
   
10. Forgive yourself. You're going to look at everything you might have done wrong and try to blame yourself for it. Resist this urge. You will look at that one time you finished the peanut butter and he needed a PB&J sandwich and it was all your fault. Of course this is what lead to the breakup! This sounds ridiculous but your mind can do funny things. Try your best to beat yourself up.
    
    
11. Reach out to people on reddit like you have already done. PLEASE PM me anytime you need to vent. I am available on gtalk, skype, and aim and I am willing to chat. It's helped me out a lot to have someone to talk to when I am feeling like crap.
    
    
12. NO CONTACT. Look this sucks... no way around it. You need to get all of the pictures and momentos, anything he gave you etc, and put it in a box and then hide that box. This is interesting for you since you are abroad. Maybe talk to family and have them box that stuff up for you. You don't need to make a decision on what to do with it right now, you can keep it forever or throw it out and burn them. Just get them out of site!
    
    UNFRIEND/BLOCK SOCIAL MEDIA. This is the best thing you can possibly do... have his instagram? Unfriend and block, have his facebook, same thing. Do it for everything. It will only hurt you. It doesn't mean you are giving up on the possibility of being together, it means it won't help you heal right now.
    
    Join /r/exnocontact and get a badge and every time you feel the need to talk to him, make a post and let people talk you out of it. You need to realize that not talking to him is the best thing you can do. It will help you move on, but it also gives him a chance to miss you. He won't want to get back together with someone in your state of mind. The only way to win him back is to try to move on.
    
    
13. Health and fitness... Do your best to eat as good as you can. Take a daily supplement, get your protein. I didn't eat much for a few weeks but then it came back. Go running, walking, biking, anything! Exersize is literally the best thing you can do right now. It will get you in shape and make you look better, but it releases endorphines that make you FEEL better. It's a win win and you have to do it. If you are out of shape, just go for a walk. Take it slow!
    
    YOU WILL BE OKAY.

I'm sorry dude, but you are getting a lot of terrible advice here, and I would know.

The way you describe this, it sounds like all the aspects of you that make you a man have been sucked out or worn away. I'm not saying that in some sort of men vs women situation, but rather speaking purely from an attraction point of view. Women are attracted to men. Particularly manly men, but not in the stereotype you might be thinking. Masculinity. Your wife doesn't initiate? And doesn't come? Part of that is probably because of her job. It is probably stressful and a lot of work.

But if you feel like this:

> I feel trapped and soul-sapped. I feel powerless. I feel like pre-cancer-diagnosis Walter White. And, at the same time, I feel guilty for feeling like this

Don't you think she would pick up on that? I'm not saying she won't/doesn't love you, but how could she be attracted to you when you feel like that?

So now how to fix it. Firstly, this book is a lifesaver: http://www.amazon.com/The-Married-Life-Primer-2011/dp/1460981731

Read the reviews. There's nothing hugely wrong with your life choices themselves, or the way you treat your wife. To the contrary of what the top upvoted posted said, a weekend to reconnect with your wife is going to do jack all. It might make you two feel better for 3-4 days. Like I said, jack all.

You need GOALS. You need to have ambitions, be working towards something. Passionate, ambitious men are attractive. Getting in shape can help tremendously if you aren't. Testosterone levels can help too, and there are lots of natural ways to raise testosterone levels(What did you think she was attracted to if not testosterone?). Does this mean you can't be a stay at home dad anymore? Maybe, maybe not. Not all goals are work/professional.

You need to be more assertive. Fill your life with things and activities. Pick fun stuff to do, then invite HER along. Don't make your life revolve around her. Your life should include your children, but it should not revolve around your children, at least not if you want to rebuild attraction. Filling your life with more things will build confidence. Giving yourself more options so that your life does not resolve around one limited set of things(Wife, children) will give you more confidence.

Confidence. Is. Attractive. Confidence is the most important piece here, but I listed it last because telling you to "be more confident" helps no one. Telling you ideas of how to BECOME more confident helps.

Get back into a metal band(Passion). Aim to become a world class chef(Goals). Start doing MMA or Krav Maga(Fitness & Testosterone). You can do this. And she won't know it/know why, but she will love it.

>try to understand me before you jump up on the bench with your white wig and your gavel.

I read some of your other comments before first responding to you. You're in your thirties, and oh so experienced. Except that you think you know more than you really do. Experience with only certain types of relationships, and second-hand at that, does not make you an expert on all things emotional or human. At least have the humility to accept that you don't know all there is to know about people before handing down your "wisdom".

>but it's another thing entirely for a guy to string a girl along for months or even years on end because she thinks that one day he's going to magically realize how good she is to him and he's going to devote himself entirely to her.

Which is exactly what I was referring to by reading things onto the OP's situation that were in no way hinted at or supported by her post. She seems to maybe still carry some of your assumptions, since she was initially hurt by his not wanting to be in a relationship, but has since realized that a relationship wasn't what she wanted either. Where's the stringing along? Where's the abuse you so readily assume must be there?

>I've personally watched friends of mine, both male and female, get sucked into these situations where one person thinks there's an emotional connection that is eventually going to come to fruition, while the other person laughs at the very idea of ever taking the relationship further than the bedroom.

Yes, of course this happens. But it doesn't always happen, it's neither the norm nor the majority of cases. There's nothing here to indicate that this is one of these situations...well, nothing except your obvious prejudices and preconceptions.

>Human beings, particularly women, are not biologically/emotionally structured to bounce freely from one sexual partner to the next without forming any emotional attachments.

Support that statement or stop making it. Or rather, clear up what you mean by "emotional attachments". As someone who's had a significant number of happy, consensual sexual friendships in his life, I freely admit that these friendships were deeper and meant more to us than most non-sexual friendships did. But caring about and for a person doesn't mean you want to form a long-term monogamous bond with them, and your assumption that feelings (particularly female feelings apparently) automatically require a traditional monogamous relationship to be healthy and not wounding is simply wrong. You go on and on about your experience, yet I doubt that yours holds a candle to mine. So sure, sexual relationships will always mean more than non-sexual relationships, because of the intimacy and trust required for consensual sex. But that meaning does not need to be expressed in the narrow forms you set out for it, and there need be no using of one party by another simply because they chose a different arrangement than you would.

>it's impossible to argue that there aren't elements of our physiology that encourage us to fall in love with someone and reproduce

I would recommend you read Sex at Dawn before you peddle unfounded "evolutionary" psychology as if it were at all valid. Yes, that hoary old chestnut has been repeated endlessly for generations, but it doesn't make it any more true. Romantic love, especially of the Taylor Swift variety (which seems to be what you're holding up as the natural state of human romantic relationships) is a relatively recent invention, not more than a couple hundred years old. At our deepest, most fundamental and instinctive level, we're wired to share several partners and form deep attachments with all of them, to share resources and child-rearing responsibilities amongst a small group of equal adults. We may not do things this way anymore, and deep-seated social mores and phobias (casually reinforced by people like you) may make these arrangements problematic for most people today, but that is what the elements of our physiology encourage us to do.

First off, it's totally ok to be vanilla. If you're truly not interested in rough sex, that's totally legit. You shouldn't feel guilty or pressured.

The absolute first step is to talk to her. You've got to be honest and communicative in your relationships, especially on sensitive issues like this.

As far as where to go after that, you have a couple choices here. If you're willing to entertain the idea of rougher sex, then there are resources that can help you. I've never personally read When Someone You Love is Kinky, but the authors are amazing and I've heard good things. You could pop over to /r/BDSMcommunity and get some advice over there. You could get on Fetlife and get advice there. There are lots of people out there who understand these issues really well, and they can help you work through it.

Ask her what she specifically wants you to do, and see if you can imagine doing it for her pleasure, as a service to her. If you recognize that what you see as unpleasant, she finds pleasurable, it might help you deal with it. Maybe you'll even eventually get into it. You obviously have some serious issues with violence, and maybe consensual and loving play with the appearance of violence will help you process it. But maybe not.

If you decide that you just can't give her what she needs, you've essentially got three choices:

You could see whether she's willing to give up the idea of rough sex. If it's just a passing fancy, that might not be a big problem. If it's a bigger part of her fantasy life, however, it might not work so well.

You could also break up with her. Sexuality is really important, and it's not shallow to break up with someone for sexual reasons. I get the impression you don't want to do that, however.

The final possibility is that you could discuss ways she could get her kinky needs satisfied without your involvement. An open relationship can go a long way towards fixing issues with sexual compatibility. There are a whole range of possible relationship designs that might work better for you than ordinary monogamy. On one end of the spectrum, you might find that you two take to polyamory easily, and just go all the way towards openness. On the other end, you might be able keep a lot of the normal structure with a couple tweaks. I know a lot of people who are generally monogamous, but who are allowed to engage in BDSM play under certain conditions (nothing involving genitals is a pretty normal rule, but you can choose the rules that work best for the two of you).

If you decide to go that route, come talk to us in /r/polyamory. The two best books are generally considered to be The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

You want to be able to have sex with other people AND keep your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't think you realize how lucky you are to have a girlfriend who is willing to try to make this work with you, despite the fact that it isn't something she wants. The vast majority of people would respond to this with an outright "No." or end the relationship completely.

Your girlfriend is giving up a lot for you in order to make this work. She is losing the sense of security that a monogamous relationship brings; she is putting herself at risk of having her feelings hurt and having to deal with the jealousy that this is likely to cause her. She is putting a huge amount of trust in you to:

• be mindful of her feelings
  
• be completely honest with her
  
• practice safe sex and not give her an STD or impregnate someone else
  
• not develop feelings for someone else and leave her
  
  You owe it to this woman to not break her trust. You owe her complete honesty and good communication. You owe it to her to make good decisions and be mindful of her feelings. Even if you having sex with other people will likely be hard on her, there are still things that you can do to minimize this---and one of those things is reinforcing her trust in you by things like a) not lying to her or hiding things from her, and b) making every effort to not neglect her needs and feelings.
  
  You've already failed. You lied about where you were going, you hid it from her when she called you, and you neglected her when she was in a time of need (if you had been honest with her, you may not have been able to get there as soon as she wanted you to be there, but you could have given her the piece of mind that you were dropping everything to come and be there for her). Instead, you made her feel like you were just "too tired" to be there for her in a time of need.
  
  There's a good chance that you've ruined your chance to have an open relationship with this woman, or in the very least, you've made it 100% harder than it already was by breaking her trust.
  
  And after all of this, you have the balls to say that you're angry and resentful about this (her friend died, ffs, and that's no one's fault and not something that can be helped). Look, I totally get that you were looking forward to this and now you feel disappointed, but you need to get your priorities straight. What's more important to you, a weekend of fun... or being there for the person you're supposed to care about when they're in need? There will be plenty of opportunities to have fun in the future, but your girlfriend needs your support now. It's not the kind of thing that waits until a convenient time, and knowing that your partner is willing to be there for you when you need them... well, isn't that one of the main reasons why people get into relationships to begin with?
  
  Honestly, if you would have handled this situation maturely, this could have actually been a huge positive reinforcement for having an open relationship. If your girlfriend knew that you went to the festival (with the possibility of meeting other woman), but you dropped everything to come and be with her when she needed you, you would be showing her that she is your priority and that you aren't going to neglect her needs. Experiences like that can go a long way in terms of building trust and comfort in an open relationship.
  
  Now, it sounds like you did drop everything to go and be with her, but the fact that you lied about where you were is going to overshadow that. (And please, please, please don't tell your girlfriend, "Well, I did drop everything to come and be with you". You don't deserve a cookie for your behaviour, so don't try to justify it by giving yourself a pat on the back for something you SHOULD do regardless.
  
  In my opinion, I think that the two of you should end things. You're not mature enough to be in an open relationship, and it doesn't sound like it's something she wants anyway.
  
  However, if the two of you decide that this is something you really want to make work, you need to:
  
  

1. Come clean to your girlfriend.
   
2. Admit that you made a mistake and handled things immaturely, and sincerely apologize.
   
3. Work on your communication with each other.
   
4. Discuss boundaries and expectations.
   
5. Educate yourselves. There are a lot of good resources about open relationships; they can help you develop realistic boundaries and expectations, better communication, and a better mindset and understanding of how to make this work.
   
   Recommended reading:
   
   The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (book)
   
   Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships (book)
   
   morethantwo.com (website)
   
   (Note: some of these resources are more geared toward polyamorous relationships, but they still have a lot of good information for any kind of nonmonogamous relationship).

I wish there were some easy words of encouragement to your situation, I really do. But failing that, I want to to put out to you a few things. I'm sorry this is so long, it's hard for me to be concise about this.

For some context:

You sound exactly like me a year ago, when when my ex and I were breaking up.

He was incredibly similar to yours, unable to apologise, accept any blame, and turning to alcohol to get away from our/his problems. Seeing me upset would make him angry, not sad or caring or protective or worried as one would expect from someone I've trusted my whole heart to. Disagreements constantly turned into arguments, because he always had to be right and was not at all open to hearing my side.

I cried nearly every night for months and I'm shocked neighbours never called the police, hearing our screaming matches and my cries for his attention and love. I have literally sat on my bathroom floor for hours, wailing at him to come hug me and tell me he loves me with the door open, while he sat 5 feet away at the desk playing a video game.

I've had nervous breakdowns, I've had exams that I did not sleep for 2 days before because we were up arguing all night. I've been called every name in the book, given the silent treatment and cold shoulder, and told to fuck off.

I've shared a tiny studio apartment with a man who could barely look at me. I finished an entire degree unable to talk to my partner about my thesis, because we would get into a huge argument about the basic definition of my field before we ever even got more specific (I studied it for years and yet could never convince him that my definition was more accurate than his).

I have threatened suicide to get his attention and drained my entire energy supply to try to make a chronically depressed, stubborn man happy. I thought I was "too difficult", that I was "irrationally emotional", that I wasn't doing enough of something or too much of another.

I tried desperately to be what he wanted me to be, but some sacrifices just became too big (for me, among a few other factors, the breaking point was when he asked me to give up my dream career opportunity to support him through an educational plan that he was making absolutely zero steps towards accomplishing).

Eventually, I had to admit what you just did - that he never really loved me. I'm not sure he knows what healthy love is supposed to look like, although I'm not even sure I do at this point. It was just endless circles of me needing the validation of his love and him withdrawing it further and further.

And yet, it's hard to break that cycle, because that had always been the relationship dynamic. I spent years trying to fit into the box he outlined for me and by the end, I was bursting through at every edge fighting my own mind and body on trying to become myself so that I could be what he wanted me to be instead.


This is what you need to remember when it gets difficult:

It was never on you to try to fix things, to bend to his every whim. That's what you tried to do, because you want to support him and be a good partner. Even in your email to him, you end by saying what you want for him, not what you want for yourself.

It's going to be a long and difficult road after this until you realise you don't owe him anything. You will probably get very angry with him once the sadness subsides. Then you might get angry at yourself when it hits you just how awfully he treated you. But the anger will subside too and what you'll have left is a whole lot of things you learned about yourself.

You mention feeling like you're losing yourself in this - you are, and living that way barely constitutes as a life. Eventually, you will discover who you were, are, and will be beyond this relationship that's defined you for too long.


Thoughts that help pull you through:

Reminding yourself that you two were meant to be equal partners, adults in a relationship. He was meant to meet you in the middle, not stay in his corner while you constantly tried to reach as far across to his side as you could to make up for his lack of movement.

He failed you and your relationship, because he is not a person who can have a healthy relationship. This is not something anyone but he can fix and even that will require therapy and time and effort that he may never be willing to put in. That is his problem and loss. It is not on you.

Also, keep talking to your friend. She sounds amazing and I never would have made it without mine to support me. Hopefully she can remind you to forget thoughts like
>I wish I could help him. I want him to see that he doesn't have to be alone & that he can be happy with someone.
whenever they start creeping back.

They are not the thoughts of healthy good wishes for an ex, they're the thoughts of someone too emotionally beaten and exhausted to put herself first.

You are also NOT "irrational" or "crazy" or "too emotional". Any of those phrases are just brushing your feelings aside and implying that his thoughts and views are superior to yours. That was a really difficult one for me to grasp and I hope you're able to come to understand that you are not irrational. Just because you disagree with him or he hurts you and he doesn't see why it hurts doesn't make you irrational, it just makes him unable to empathise or consider your view as equal to his.



Much of what he is doing (esp re: arguing instead of discussing disagreements, giving you the cold shoulder to guilt you, saying vile things to try to break you) is emotional abuse. I know the term sucks to see applied to your own situation, but it is. He is an abuser. And it doesn't matter in the slightest how he got that way, there are no excuses for that.


You're doing the right thing by leaving him.

I would recommend getting your hands on the book Women Who Love Too Much as soon as possible. I only read it recently, but it has already changed my outlook on the relationship that still haunted me even though it was over long ago (and also on how I approach romantic love in general). It's just a starting point, but a very helpful one to reframe your relationship in your mind and put it into a healthy context that finally puts your experience at the centre. Incidentally and not surprisingly, it seems many children of alcoholics end up "loving too much" (the book discusses this a lot).


I know I wasn't very specific with my details in this post, but I was just trying to get across that you are not alone feeling this way, going through this, and having these conflicting experiences and emotions.


If you ever feel the need to just blurt everything out to someone completely removed from the situation, feel free to pm me. I'm happy to share my experience, help you tease out yours, talk through your options for getting away, or just listen silently.


Either way, best of luck, you're making a great decision for future you.

Very important final note: you are not admitting "defeat" by this, you are actually claiming victory here. I'm sure it's difficult to stop trying after so long of doing nothing but. But you are doing what is right for you and finally taking care of yourself first, which is a habit you will need to cultivate to recover and move on to a healthy, happy life.

First of all, you will be OK. Anything you feel is completely valid. Do not, under any circumstances make any life-changing decisions right now.
I understand the pain you're going through. It's not the most helpful thing to hear when people say "Move on," or "there are plenty of fish in the sea." Your situation is extremely difficult, the loss is excruciatingly painful. It does take time to recover, and I can vouch that it gets easier with time. My ex (of 2years) left me 2 months ago. Feeling alone is something that will eventually subside, but remain active as much as you can. Staying still/doing nothing will only give you "free time" to think about your ex. As for advice on what to do now - I recommend the following:

1. go cold turkey with communication. Do NOT call, text, email or whatever you can creatively do to communicate with her. If you have problems facebook stalking (social media stalking) then give your password(s) to a friend you trust that won't mess with your account. 2) I highly recommend you read Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284#). This suggestion sounds really corny/silly, but after reading it, it really help me figure out what needed to be done. 3) Focus on yourself. Do things you like to do. Visit r/getmotivated. Really uplifting/motivating stuff. Personal favorite: Focus on the things you can change and let go of the things you can't. 4) Go to the gym. Make a routine out of it. Don't know where to start? Go to your local store and look at men's health magazines or buy a book/dvd to help you get started. 5) Talk to your friends about how you're feeling. Keeping it bottled up inside won't help you. It may even drive you further to try to contact your ex. 6) Put anything that reminds you of her in a box, and place it somewhere you will not be tempted to look at it or its contents. Give it to a friend if you have to. 7) Go out and mingle. Meet new people. 8) Writing in a journal is therapeutic. Drawing/coloring works too. 9) Remain active. Keep and or make schedule so you are constantly busy. 10) Eat healthy food. 11) learn to love yourself. 12) karma's also a bitch. She'll get her just desserts one day, and when that happens, you'll be in a better place. I hope this helps man. Hold on, you're in for a bumpy ride, just know that you're not alone. TL;DR: Go cold turkey. Focus on yourself. It'll be OK.

I don't know if you've spoken to her about this, but you should. And by speaking, I mean a discussion, one where you primarily listen.

Does she have sexual insecurities? There are women who are convinced they smell or taste bad and are paranoid about having sex because of this. This isn't all that unusual at her age, where likely she's only been having sex for a couple of years. It takes time to build confidence.

Does she have problems reaching orgasm? If she doesn't get a lot of physical enjoyment out of sex, then that's another reason, and it's an opportunity for you to improve your record. If that's the problem, try reading She Comes First by Ian Kerner.

Why does she have sex? Some women are so inhibited that they only have sex for the physical closeness and affection, and view the sex part as very much secondary. (For that matter, some men are the same.) Is that what she's looking for?

Is she worried about the likelihood of pregnancy? If you two are using condoms for contraception, that's an excellent reason to be concerned, and it would serve her well to learn about alternative forms of contraception.

There are medications, most commonly antidepressants, that greatly inhibit one's sex drive — it's normal to react to SSRIs as if you've just taken vows in a monastery.

There are lots of reasons that people aren't having sex, and it's worth your time to ask. She may not tell you, but it won't hurt to ask. She may simply have a low libido, or it may be any of the reasons I outlined or one of the ones I didn't, but she's too embarrassed to admit it.

Your best bet is to ask in a non-judgmental, non-threatening way. Make it clear to her that you love her and you're not considering leaving her. You just want to make sure she enjoys the sex life you do have.

It's quite possible that if the sexual encounters you have improve significantly, she'll want to have sex more often. At your age, it's normal to have poor technique. (I'm not saying you do, just that it's quite common.) She Comes First is an excellent manual on technique.

Good luck. I know I didn't mellow out about sex until I was in my twenties, but I ended up making a few men very happy after that. :)

Honestly, a lot of these replies seem to be simplifying a very complex issue. Don't take that too personally, it's very easy to stand on the sideline and shout what seems obvious.


Open relationships aren't easy. It takes a ton of trust, mistakes, fixing those mistakes, baby steps, boundary pushing, etc. You've never done this before; he's been doing it for what sounds like a long time. Of course you're unsure and scared! Of course you have negative reactions along with some hesitant positive ones! That's totally fucking normal, miss. If you think this guy is worth it, and he's been completely honest and up front this whole time, I think it's worth a shot. He'll have to work with you and go slow and be patient, but if he thinks you're worth that effort, he will make it.


Read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton, and check out "Opening Up as well. I've found both of those to be really helpful in giving reassurance, advice, and teaching new ways to think about your relationship and to communicate with your partner.


I've been in open relationships and exclusive ones, and I've been in closed relationships that opened up for the better and visa versa. There's really no sure outcome of this, but if you both think the other is worth expanding your worldview and trying new (scary, but also trust me it can be incredibly rewarding) ways of being in love and being together... it can turn out really well. Good luck whatever you end up deciding!

> You seem to have a healthy relationship.

I think so. We are very happy together and have very few problems. Books that helped us negotiate our current relationship were: Sex At Dawn, Opening Up, and we also bought and read The Ethical Slut, but found it kind of silly. If you want to try this type of relationship, you have to sit down and talk about it. You have to figure out your own personal boundaries, set explicit rules, and trust her to follow them. Do you have a good friendship? Do you have a good sex life? Most importantly, do you trust her with your physical safety (STDs, etc) and your emotional/mental safety? These are all important basic questions that you have to set straight in your mind before you even begin to pursue the idea of an open or "monogamish" relationship.

EDIT: Also, please make sure you talk to your SO about safe sex and what that explicitly means to you. You both need to go get tested, so you know where you are starting out, health-wise. This is of PARAMOUNT importance.

You know what really helped me? Reading The Five Love Languages. Best seven bucks you'll ever spend on your relationships. Identifying your love languages may help each of you figure out why your love tanks have been feeling empty.

For instance, my love language is Quality Conversation. I feel loved when my significant other spends time talking with me, sharing opinions and emotions. My boyfriend's is Physical Touch. When I didn't feel loved, I automatically physically withdrew and he also felt unloved so both of us were unhappy. Knowing each other's love languages gives us a starting point on what we can do to help the other feel appreciated and loved, and when your partner feels loved he feels more inclined to reciprocate. If that makes sense. :) Good luck with everything!

Reading this i'm pretty sure that you both indeed DO love each others. You seek for advise, he says he loves you. Maybe it is just a misunderstanding and/or different ways of expressing love? What i can really recommend because it helped myself is Gary Chapmans book about the five languages of love: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=pd_sim_b_1

I have nothing to do with him so this is not ment as advertisment (just in case anyone suspect this).


I wish you both good luck to find back a way of expressing your love! Hope you can solve it together and hope you feel loved and appreciated again!

Shocking similarities between your situation and my own. 25M broken up with a month ago by 25F of 4 years after a period of long-distance, ending plans for her to move to be with me, and after me having told her I could see us getting married one day. (I'm also a grad student. We might be doppelgängers.)

Although I didn't receive such a clear letter from my ex, my understanding of her behaviour and the things she said during the breakup have lead me to believe her feelings are very similar to those your ex expressed (or at least that is the narrative I have settled on).

I agree with the other posters that we need to accept that this is over and focus on moving on. Personally I have had no contact with my ex since I saw her in person and she finally unequivocally ended things (just over a month ago). I am starting to feel a sense of acceptance and (dare I say) even hope for the future (but don't get me wrong, I'm still constantly thinking about it, often slip back into sadness and anger, and expect to feel this way for a few more months at the least). It sounds like your breakup was less of a clean break and things dragged on for a bit longer - I'd encourage you to make a clean break going forward.

If I were you I would focus on building your new social life in your new location. In some ways having a fresh start in a new location can help you - you will not be constantly facing reminders of your time together. Since it is the start of the school year there are probably also lots of other people new to town - so get out there and find some friends! Forcing myself to get out and keep myself busy has been the best thing for me (although it's still important to allot time to feel your feels).

Here are a few other resources which have leant me some insight and made me feel a little better about the situation:

• This post from the other side of this situation made me feel like I could understand better where my ex was coming from: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/08/02/simply-solo-spotlight-having-to-leave-the-good-guy/
  
• This post by a guy with a similar breakup describes his recovery journey: http://simplysolo.wordpress.com/2011/01/11/simply-solo-spotlight-the-hardest-part-is-letting-go/
  
• The book Getting Past Your Breakup had some really interesting insights about why seemingly good relationship end. She explains how relationships involve people undergoing specific "emotional development growth tasks", and that often when someone has completed a "growth task" it leads to a re-evaluation of the relationship and new needs and growth tasks asserting themselves. If the new needs and growth directions of the couple are not aligned, it can lead to the end of the relationship, even though things seemed perfect before. This insight helped me overcome the "did the past four years mean nothing?!" stage.
  
• For general "how to get over a breakup" advice there is tons available online and I'm sure if you're like me you'll eventually read every blog post on the subject, but the best distillation of all the available info I've found is the SomethingAwful Breakup Megathread: http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3386887
  
  If you'd like to talk with someone in a very similar situation, feel free to PM me.

Try reading the book The Five Love Languages. Talk with your husband and make sure he understands that things like telling you you're beautiful (words of affirmation), date night (quality time), and initiating intimacy (physical touch) are important to you.

As you already identified, his "primary love language" might be buying gifts. You haven't mentioned anything about chores, but by helping out around the house, he may also be trying to show his love for you, perhaps in a way you don't fully understand.

So, first identify your needs (which you mostly seem to have done, you need to feel sexually wanted, and need to spend quality one-on-one time.) Then, have a serious and non-judgmental talk with your husband. DON'T expect one conversation to fix things, but use it to express your unfulfilled needs. Then, make sure to consistently thank and praise him when he attempts to fulfill those needs (by spending more time with you and initiating intimacy), and consistently assert your feelings when you're feeling unfulfilled.

If you're honest with him about how you're feeling and what your needs are, and appreciative of him when he listens to you and works on fulfilling those needs, I think you'll see serious improvements in your relationship.

mil-spouse about to be on 7th underway in 3 years. Married going on 8 years.

A) You can't go back to "where you were", because you are both different people now. Does it really matter what happened in the past? The future is where you have control. That said you do have to evaluate the past so you can learn how best to avoid those situations

B) You have to lay out what you expect from the relationship, and own up to what you did wrong

C) You have to ask her what she wants / expects out of the relationship when you are gone. This may mean you get to wake up an hour earlier than usual so you can talk to her when you are already limited on your sleep. This may mean emailing more than you care to etc.

D) Both of you take that 5 love languages test (I think it's ridiculous but has merit). It opens the door to discussing what the other one needs/wants out of the relationship. I recommend the military version but it only comes in book form. Long distance book club can help you out as well. (Both get a copy and read it). I also strongly recommend both of you reading the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work These books can help you set up a framework for better communication long-term.

E) If opening up the communication doesn't work, then it may be time to contact www.militaryonesource.mil for some couples counseling. Ain't no shame, and don't let your unit give you shit. Working on your marriage will make you look better. Getting your shit together in this area can actually make your work life easier. Having a true partner at home who has your back can make deployment 12 billion times easier than either not or having to go through a divorce.

Hopefully she is open to some of this. Good luck either way. Fixing this takes maturity on both parties, so hopefully she is on board.

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

1. Try having sex in the morning.
   
   
2. Try asking your wife about HER sexual fantasies.
   
   
3. Ask if she'll let you buy her lingerie
   
   
4. Start giving her massages. This builds physical and emotional intimacy, which will lead to more sexual intimacy.
   
   
5. Start having date nights. A woman's sexual desire is slow burning. It can take a few hours of feeling playful and intimate to lead to pleasurable and exciting sex... guys? They can be ready to go in 30 seconds. We're different, and matching our sexual rhythms requires effort, and compromise.
   
   
6. Read and research! The internet sex you're watching? IT'S PLAY SEX! It's theater! Read actual books about how to ignite your relationship. 99.98% of porn is made for men. You are going to see what men want in porn.... what the lady is asking for? That's what men want ladies to ask for! I'm not saying that no women enjoy what happens in porn, I'm saying: how often do you see a guy rubbing a woman's clit while he's Fucking her? Almost never! How often do you see an extended vag munching session? Almost never! Try this book
   
   
7. TALK TO YOUR WIFE! Sex with busy lives and children in the house takes planning. It can feel less than romantic to look at schedules and plan alone time, but a good sex life is the glue that holds a marriage together. It should be important enough to reserve space for in your busy lives.
   
   
8. I really think cam sex is cheating. I don't think it's as small of a deal as you're making it out to be. My opinion is mine alone, but I'm a pretty sexually adventurous person, and I would not stand for my partner camming without my explicit permission. I'm pretty sure that I would grant permission because we're not strictly monogamous, but heads would roll If he went behind my back. You should really feel out this decision and its impact.
   
   
9. Don't believe everything you see in porn. Adults talk about sex. They negotiate the rules. They ask for permission. They say " I really want you to sit on my face. Will you do that?" "Can I spank you? Let me know if I'm too hard" "licking your pussy is so hot. Can I try rimming you, too? If you don't like it I'll stop" Asking for permission can be telling your partner that they're sexy.. its not sitting down with a pencil and clipboard for an extensive survey.
   
   
10. I promise your wife has sexual fantasies. Help her awaken them and explore them. Help her find the time to be intimate with you!

Insecurity:

Feeling insecure can be one of two things. Either you are suffering from negative thinking or you are genuinely uncomfortable with something.

People who suffer from negative thinking can all relate to these mindtraps. We all do to some degree, but if your thoughts of insecurity is highly dominated by negative thinking, then you should work on yourself. The best way is going through a therapist who can help you with changing the way you let negative thinking affect your life. To change the way you think is the major aspect of cognetive therapy. If you are too afraid to seek a counsellor specialized int his topic, then I usually recommend the self help book Feeling Good Handbook which will help you deal with insecurities. It will also allow you to see and understand better what you are dealing with in case you want to seek out a therapist later. The best way to work on this material is together with a therapist, and it is of course beneficial to read up on it first.

If you on the other hand simply feels generally uncomfortable with your girlfriend's behaviour or friendships etc., then it is not you who are "crazy", but your relationship that has issues and is lacking in boundaries. Especially boundaries with the opposite sex. A boundary is a boundary when both people understands the reason for it being but in place, and both chooses to uphold it. (The opposite is to be controlling, where one part dictates the allowed behaviour withouth the other partner understanding why. That is being controlling and is generally unhealthy.) A boundary I like to recommend is: "Any activity that is implicitly understood as a boyfriend/girlfriend activity is reserved for the relationship unless explicitly stated otherwise." Nice and simple. So then it is implicitly understood that no hand holding or lap-sitting should take place with friends of the other sex for example.

I've been in your shoes. I was married to a woman for 8 years. I loved her dearly but after 8 years of her picking stupid fights and leaving me every 6 months only to come back a week later, I had enough. Actually my health wouldn't take it any more. I was physically exhausted as well as mentally and I threw in the towel without any thoughts or looking back.

It's been really hard for me the past 4 years because like you, I thought she was perfect in every other way. I also knew that she suffered for being separate from me, but 8 years of being attacked had taken it's toll and that was it for me. I often feel like crying and have a hard time relating to people because of all the baggage I carry from that relationship, but after 4 years I feel I am finally starting to come out of this emotional hole I've been living in.

Since then I've learned that my ex has Borderline Personality Disorder. In addition to that I was enabling her behavior by being too forgiving. I am/was a nice guy who would forgo his own needs in order to keep harmony in a relationship. Robert A. Glover speaks about it really well in his book No More Mr Nice Guy . I was easily manipulated by her and a great patsy.

The last few years have been a great time of discovery about her and about myself. It's been very hard but I think I am better for it. If I hadn't gone through that bad relationship, I would have never found out my own weaknesses and worked on them. I'm still not in a relationship but I feel a really satisfying one is just around the corner, mostly because I am more of a whole person. Now my needs come first. I don't let anyone walk all over me.

Somehow I seem to attract manipulators because I've had to put my foot down many times with various friends since she's been gone. But I can do it now because my tolerance for bullshit has been whittled down to next to nothing. Now my needs come first and if you try to manipulate me, you are cut out of my life.

I don't know if you guys have a shot but if you do, you've got to understand that what you are dealing with is no joke and needs attention and work. She needs to understand that things won't get better without admitting her problem and asking for help from others and you need to stop enabling her.

It's not an easy road but I hope you better luck than I had.

Have you ever heard of the book 'The 5 Love Languages'?

It describes the 5 different ways that people generally express love, which are:

1. Words of Affirmation
   
2. Acts of Service
   
3. Receiving gifts
   
4. Quality time
   
5. Physical Touch
   
   People are usually a combo of two or three with one being really dominant. For example, I am quality time combined with receiving gifts and my husband is physical touch and acts of service, which can really make for some complicated holidays.
   
   We recognize though that we each have different needs and desires and that's OK. So I think you should talk to your SO about this and maybe grab this book.
   
   You can take a free test to find out what your love languages are on the official website. I have a feeling you're receiving gifts and your wife is not. Maybe think about the ways she usually expresses love to you. Does she ever complain about not getting one of the 5 above things from you?
   
   Good luck!

You're comments remind me a lot of me a few years ago, and while I don't normally share what helped me get my head into a good place, occasionally I come across someone that might find similar insights from reading it. I think you have a problem with "Nice Guy Syndrome" even though you don't really think of yourself as that nice of a guy. The definition is pretty loaded and you can't really take the words at face value or use their normal definitions, because "Nice Guys" are anything but nice. Anyway, if you have time I recommend you check out this book (changed my life): No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. Good luck!

Firstly, you should read The 5 Love Languages if you haven't already.


Secondly, you can not expect to have a healthy relationship if your attitude is "She kept things from me, so it's OK if I keep things from her!" That's childish, immature, and no way to treat your partner.


Thirdly, you should be direct and upfront with this girl if you want to continue the relationship. Don't hide things from her, especially things you think would upset her.


Lastly, the first few months of any relationship are great. That's what is known as the 'Honeymoon Phase'. Generally, it fades and either evolves into comfortable love, fizzles out entirely, or falls somewhere in between. Things between you will not be the same as they were then, if for no other reason than the fact that you now have a history together. Don't strive for that, instead work towards a happy, healthy, mutually respectful relationship with your partner.

IMO, when someone is acting out with anger they are actually manipulating those around them with the "survival tools" that they learned at a young age. Like a 5 year old screaming for what they want till they get it. Your parents are responsible for the nature of the relationship that they have with your sister. There is nothing you can do about Brandi if she is set in her ways and always reacts like a self centered adult screaming for control.

I think that the solution is in telling you parents to stop treating her like a child and more as an adult. She is 21 and the nurturing stage of parenting is done. They are now causing harm rather then helping her for the real world. Do not sit and listen to what your parents complain. Rather, let them know that they are allowing this in their lives (do it lovingly of coarse). You might even want to buy them this book, it has helped me set my own boundaries and learn to nurture my relationships in a healthy constructive manner. Giving me the courage to allow the ones I love to grow on their own while remaining loving and supportive without hurting myself.

If you are both going to be reading books on your own you have to make an agreement even sign an actual written contract to each other and post it in your kitchen on the firdge or something that says you are both willing to make the effort to WANT to fix things. There is a great book that my wife and I both loved called "Love and Respect" Dr. Eggerich is a GREAT speaker and it's an amazing book that might change the way you think about your relationship. If you want to have a little intro into the book you can find some of his conference sessions on youtube here. Sit down and watch this together and then decide whether you want to read the book together or seperately and talk about it often.

Another few good books to read before marriage:

Gary Chapman - The Five Love Languages - The Secret To Love That Lasts

Matthew Kelly - The Seven Levels Of Intimacy

Both I've read and are amazing. I've got about a dozen friends who have done the same, it became like a popular thing to do. None of them have major issues. All are still married, and they attribute it to these.

You might also really benefit from reading a book called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Don't worry, it's not about becoming an asshole or anything like that. There were just a few things in this entire post that seemed like classic nice guy syndromes: doing all sorts of nice things for her and not getting much back, ignoring an issue that's clearly bothering you, and walking on eggshells when trying to bring up said issue. I'd definitely give that book a read.

The whole thing about her not being that into the baby is kind of a red flag for a much larger issue though. I would definitely encourage her to see a professional about this.

Good luck

I am sorry. This was probably the BEST advice given to me when I divorced and honestly it turned my life around into an amazing journey. So now, I share it with you because anyone going through a divorce should read this book. It helps, a lot! Buy it today and start reading. Leave everything in the past and keep moving forward. Today is a new day. The pen is in your hand and you write the outcome so make sure it's an amazing outcome. You can do it.

Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You Paperback – May 5, 2009
by Susan J. Elliott JD MEd

http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284

I know that this probably gets thrown on here a lot, but have you ever read the book "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts"? It has done wonders for my marriage, especially helping me understand the emotional euphoria that first comes with dating, and then slowly disappears, which so many of us classify as love. Don't buy into the lies that Rom Com's and TV shows portray as love because even the best marriages have times where they don't feel like being with the other person. I do not think you are a bad or horrible person for feeling this way, but I do think it would be horribly tragic for you to get a divorce, ultimately to discover that no human could ever satisfy this emotional euphoria you desire for an extended period of time, no one.

You are 100% entitled to your feelings and you have every right to choose to end your marriage instead of pursuing this.

That said, I don't see any harm in trying to have an open mind about it and doing some research and reading. You seem to take your marriage vows very seriously, and I think you owe it to yourself, your wife, and your marriage to give this option some serious thought. You can still decide that you don't want to do it. But I think you will feel like you did everything you could if you make an informed decision, rather than have a knee-jerk reaction.

If you decide you do want to give it serious consideration (remember, considering it isn't agreeing to it, just gathering information), there are some good materials out there. You can make a post in /r/polyamory, the people there are really helpful. There is a good book called The Ethical Slut that has a few chapters specifically devoted to this issue -- one partner wants to open up, the other doesn't.

Good luck to you and your wife. I am sure whatever decision you come to will be the best one for both of you.

I'm engaged to a woman with BPD, so I know where you're coming from. If she's looking for ways to treat it, definitely DBT is a great option that will help her learn to regulate her emotions. There are also other clinically-validated treatment options, including Mindfulness-Based Therapy, Schema Therapy, Mentalization-Based Therapy, and Transferance-Based Therapy.

As for your end, a little bit of reading up can be invaluable. I would start by reading When Hope is Not Enough, then check out Stop Walking on Eggshells and Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder. All three are geared toward family/friends of people with BPD, and will give you great advice on:

1. using validation, normalization, and other techniques to ease her emotional pain
   
   
2. setting boundaries and other techniques to make sure you don't become overwhelmed by her moods and behaviors
   
   
3. understanding the underlying psychological mechanisms to avoid triggering/invalidating her

I'm not saying this to diagnose your mom, but rather to direct you to some literature that might get you some support and potentially help you understand some of her behaviors. I'm in a similar situation with my mom, and a counselor at my university recommended the following two volumes (I found them at my library, but ended up buying them since they were so useful to me):

1. "I Hate You; Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality," and
   
2. "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder."
   
   Whatever you decide to do - cut her out of your life, enforce strict boundaries, or simply build a better support network for yourself - I wish you luck. It's not an easy road, but making sense of that kind of behavior helped me cope immensely.

I feel like you are making excuses because there have to be plenty of options here. You say she supported you to have a good career. What do you do with your vacation time? If you have none for some reason, can you get some leave without pay? Can you find a new job that allows you to be around her more, even if you earn less money? Is there a university closer to home, or can you move to where she is? Can she study online?

She says she doesn't know if she can feel that way for you again. That doesn't mean she can't, it means that she is confused. Like I said, this is a crossroads. You either try like hell to fix things or she will leave you. First step, get yourself to marriage counseling, or at the very least buy yourself '7 Principles for Making Marriage Work' and read through it with her. Second step, plan a vacation or at the very least spend some time away from work to romance her properly. Spoil her a little. Write her a letter explaining how much she means to you and how you don't want to lose her. Talk. Laugh. Love. Third step, find a way for her to fulfill her dreams, preferably with you or her relocating so you are closer by. However if she lives apart from you for a while, so be it. If you don't let her fulfill her dreams with you, she will leave and do it without you.

Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but you have to try if you love her and want to be with her.

I've been cheated on, found out on my own, gave my wife a second (and third...) chance and have regretted it. I doubt my wife has ended her affair(s) and am just waiting for the next discovery to do what I should have done the first time.

That being said, here are some things I suggest doing:

0) Both you and your boyfriend should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It deals with these things much better than any redditor (probably).

1. Be completely honest about the situation and any others. Bring them to light yourself. Were there any other guys? Give as much informative detail as possible (barring things like sexual positions). You said it was off and on, so let him know when it was off and when it was on. Right now he's trying to put the pieces of his life back together, trying to figure out the timeline of events. Every thing you two have done will be filtered through this "What was she doing with him at that time?" train of thought. The more you disclose about what you did and when, the less questions he will hopefully have about what you are doing now that you say it's over.
   
   Also, if he agrees to stay with you then you can count on anything you had tried to hide being found out. Better to risk hurting him now and showing your honesty than to keep it covered until he finds out and thinks you're still cheating on him. Trust me, he will find out your secrets. The kind of jealousy you have instilled in him breeds fervent ingenuity.
   
   
2. From now on, be completely transparent with him with your daily activities, especially if you two remain living together. Those 5 extra minutes it takes for you to get home because of traffic? Five minutes he thinks you're using to sneak out with this guy or someone else. If you're going out somewhere without him (which I highly recommend against), let him know where you're going, at what time, who you're going with, and what you're doing there. Every time you leave the house without him, his first thought will always be that you're meeting up with the guy you cheated on him with. But the more you tell him about what you're leaving the house to do, the more rational thoughts he has to strike that voice down. Make sure he knows your friends. Introduce him to them. Expect every guy to be considered as a potential affair partner and every girl to be a secret keeper/accomplice.
   
   Keep proof of where you went, like dated receipts or credit card charges. Proving that you're not doing something is damn near impossible, but proving that you were doing something else entirely (and therefore incapable of cheating at that time) is much easier.
   
   
3. EXPLICITLY end all contact with the guy you had an affair with, and include your boyfriend in the process. If it's through email/letter, have your boyfriend there when you write it. If it's a phone call, let your boyfriend listen in. Inform you boyfriend of any replies (though I would be against replying back to him after saying it's over), as well as any time he tries to make contact with you after it's ended. Feel threatened by your affair partner? File a restraining order and put your boyfriend's name on it too.
   
   
4. Don't hide shit. Don't keep secrets, even if it's little things. He'll be rigorously looking for signs from you that you're hiding things, with the assumption being that the things you're hiding involve a continuing or another affair. If you two stay together you need to open up to your boyfriend as much as you can, much more than you did before the affair started. If you require separate, personal space in a relationship then you're best finding someone else to be with. Any push for independence is like pushing your boyfriend away and will be considered in parallel to the fact that you were willing to go behind his back for 3 years anyway.
   
   
   Is it possible to forgive something like this? If your boyfriend is a saint. Forgiveness takes a hell of a long time, much more than just deciding to remain together I'll say.
   
   Can your relationship be saved? Odds are slim but still possible. Is it worth the effort? Probably not. Everything I've suggested is from a marital standpoint, in situations where people have usually invested a whole lot more than what goes into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I don't know if the things I've suggested will work since my wife didn't do any of these, but they are things I definitely would have wanted her to do, and would have made things a lot easier.

> We do keep score, that's a good way to put it.

Here's something interesting I learned in a marriage therapy class in grad school: marriage therapists used to suggest that partners in struggling marriages do nice things for each other in a "tit for tat" system. For example, they'd ask the couple to each do one nice thing for each other a day.

Research has shown that this is actually counterproductive. If a spouse is keeping track of how many nice things they've done and how many nice things the other person has done, they become less happy with the relationship. Inevitably, each partner can list more nice things they've done for the other person than they can nice things the other person has done for them. It makes them feel more resentful towards the other person, not less.

I know you've said you're a logical kind of guy and you like to be quantitative about things, but I think this is something you should think about: hard research shows that when you keep track of who owes who what, your relationship is likely to deteriorate.

By the way, the research we learned about in that class was mostly by the Gottman Institute, which is the leading organization in empirical research on predictors of marriage success. They write lots of books for lay people, which I'd highly recommend -- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, for example.

Dude, I've read it. It's such a great book - makes you think about yourself and others a lot. We actually talked about it before we started the relationship..our love languages. However, I'm still learning hers and how she is. Clearly.

The Five Love Languages

Might not be a bad idea for both you and your wife to read "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass.

http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

There are boundaries in friendship. Cross those boundaries, and bad things can happen. For example, say your wife and her friend spend the a couple of hours talking about the best ways to save and invest for retirement. Cool. Now say they spend a couple hours talking about how each of their respective spouses is lacking in some way. That's not cool. One conversation can be shared freely with you. The other one you are never going to hear about.

It does not take a genius to see which of these two examples can lead down a troublesome road.

I've told people on this sub to do this before, but I honestly think you should take a look at this book. This is based on actual scientific research on relationships, not self-help BS, so I think it could be really helpful in this situation. This guy sounds like a pretty cookie-cutter case of someone who is avoidantly attached. This means that without serious therapy, he will shy away from intimacy and probably remain a commitment-phobe who won't meet your emotional needs. I can't tell you how to run your life, but I'd probably try to get out while you can and find someone who will actually want intimacy with you.

This book may or may not be of use ... but I did skim it and I did find it interesting: http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1343518143&sr=8-1&keywords=love+languages

Different people have different ways of communicating "i love you" and it might help to understand his particular way in context of some logical guidelines.

You should read a book together called The 5 Love Languages. Seems like you two express love in different ways and need to understand better how to communicate this with each other.

It's hard to leave when you want to help someone, to stick it out, or make it better. According to Dr. Phil (lame, I know, but for some reason it stuck with me), "The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior."

Read this book, it did wonders for me: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

To make sure OP gets the message in her in-box: Check out my comment here.

TL;DR:

1. Click the link: Not Just Friends.
   
2. Click "Look Inside" on left.
   
3. Click "Table of Contents" on left.
   
4. Scroll to "Afterword: Mini-Guide to Safe Friendships and a Secure Marriage"
   
5. Read the shit out of this short 4 page section.
   
6. Get and read the rest of the book.

A recommendation for you: http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1345840213&sr=8-1&keywords=she+comes+first

Becoming good at going down on her means that your ability to demonstrate to her how much you like her sexually won't be at the mercy of ED. That alone may help with the ED, if it's performance anxiety related - if you know that if worse comes to worse you are still going to be able to satisfy her, it can take a lot of pressure off of you. (It's also just a very good skill to have when it comes to making a partner happy.)

Additionally, I'd just recommend going out of your way to make physical contact with her. Touching and caressing can do a lot as far as communicating attraction, and it's another tool you have for demonstrating how you feel that doesn't require you to "perform".

That place spends most of the time teaching you how to act like you don't emotionally need to be desired and approved of by women... in order to win the desire and approval of women. While also channeling bitterness and anger at women.

Instead he should try to actually work on himself and get to a point where he actually doesn't need the approval of women just to feel okay. In my personal experience, this is easier said than done. I recommend the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Also, I'm married so this isn't my thing, but I've heard the book Models is also good.

Hold him accountable to the counseling. Is there a time that you know he is available that works for you? Set the appointment for that time, and let him know you expect him to be there. If he blows it off, go by yourself and talk to the counselor about your situation.


If he does blow it off, when you get home, let him know that he let you down by not showing up. Try as hard as you can to swallow any resentment/anger that you have when you tell him this. You have every right to be angry if he blew it off, that's not what I'm saying. But right now you want to be heard by him and acknowledged by him. Blowing your top and letting him have it will just make him tune out and want to go plan his party more.


Your nice husband is in there, he is just struggling to figure out where he fits in the new family routine. Believe it or not, a lot of new fathers are intimidated by the simple acts of parenting like diaper changes, feedings, naps, etc. If you have been doing it for a while he is very likely even more intimidated because he doesn't want to disappoint you.


Keep plugging away at the communication, that is what will get both of you through this. It sounds like a very typical new family struggle, so don't lose hope yet. A good counselor should be able to get both of you on the right path.


In addition to the excellent book already suggested, I also suggest checking out "Love and Respect" It is a faith based marriage book, so if that turns you off initially, I would still urge you to give it a try. The fundamental beliefs of the underpinnings of marriage are the heart of the book, and you may find it has a very transforming impact on your marriage. It was a complete game changer for my marriage, so I can't recommend it highly enough.

The mother is deeply insecure. She's threatened by her loved ones interacting with anyone else on a deep emotional level, so she tries to disrupt those relationships. Controlling people is the only way she knows to deal with her own insecurities.

Honestly, there's not much you can do about the mom directly. She's lived her whole life this way, and if her husband can't even negotiate a way to see his own sister, you, as an outsider, are not going to have any luck convincing her to accept you as her daughter's partner.

What frequently happens in these situations is that the child, finally realizing that she needs to live her own life, will cut off contact with the controlling parent for a period of time. Without severing the contact, it's too easy to fall back into old patterns. Sometimes this lasts 6 months. Sometimes it lasts 10 years. It all depends on the people and the relationships.

From your description, my guess is that your fiancee is not ready to take that step. But the ball is really in her court. She has to decide if she's going to live for herself or for her mother.

The only thing you might be able to do is buy her a book on the subject to get her thinking. Toxic Parents is frequently recommended, though I haven't read it myself. Given your fiancee's time constraints, consider getting the audio version so she can listen on her way to school/work. But talk to her about it first. It's not the kind of gift you want to spring on someone, because then it looks like you are the one being controlling.

I just got out of an abusive relationship a few months ago. I have never been happier. My life is awesome now. GTFO (yes I know it isn't that easy. Read my story and you'll know I understand).

Also, read No More Mr. Nice Guy. It saved me. It gave me the understanding and tools I needed to become healthy enough to leave her.

Good luck, mate.

I highly recommend that you buy and read The Five Love Languages, first separately and then together.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414079703&sr=8-1&keywords=the+five+love+languages

This book talks about how little resentments can build up over time if your SO is not getting the type of 'love' that they need, and then how to identify and give the other person that type of love. For example, you may think that you are doing a lot for her, but if acts of service is something she responds to, and you're getting her gifts, she will not respond to you the way you would expect. If you are both willing, it is a great start to opening that communication up.

If not, then the next step is actual therapy.

I think the general consensus is "end it", and i will add my voice to that throng. about 2 years ago i was in a similar relationship. I was in for about a year and a half because i was thinking "hey, it could get better, she cant be thisbad all the time." add in the fact that she was the neediest creature i have ever met or seen. and i can speak from experience, it doesn't get better man. also: good luck, my friend.
P.S. I know I had a problem with wanting to always be a "nice guy" and i found this site and His book very helpfull.

> How does one remain calm in the heat of a moment? Counting to ten just doesn't do it for me :<

You don't. You walk away, or have him walk away.

Also, for the emotional support, maybe he's not expressing his love for you in a language you understand. I can always recommend this book which works pretty well with most of that.

Please read the book "The Ethical Slut". It's really awesome and right up your ally. You can totally have a primary relationship and companion and still date other people while being on the up and up. http://www.amazon.com/The-Ethical-Slut-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

I'd like to recommend a book called Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. It's an amazing book that a lot of people I know have read. It's really a fantastic book. You're not alone, I promise.

>We can go over a month easily without physical contact.

Yikes. If that is applying to other things than sex, then that's a huge, huge problem (not that the sex wasn't in the first place). It's a long shot, but try having the two of you read this book - it's short and sweet, and it basically talks about making sure you're meeting the other person's emotional/physical needs in a relationship.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300462375&sr=8-1

Oh, all the girls my ex husband cheated on me with started as friends. Always trust your instincts when female friends are concerned. Unless you're the type that's automatically jealous of any female interaction, your instincts will warn you when something is not right.

And something is definitely not right here. Your BF may genuinely have no present intention of cheating at all. But he has poor boundaries. And this means that there is a high likelihood that things may get out of hand some day. He's on a slippery slope and he may not even realize when things have crossed the line until he's in way too deep for his own good.

Now is the time for a serious talk about boundaries. No need for accusations or blame. But he does need to be open to the discussion and not dismissive or defensive.

Boundaries are the absolute key to fidelity. It's great to have opposite sex friends if you have good boundaries. Your BF has some work to do in that regard.

Highly recommend that you check out the following books:

Not Just Friends - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743225503/ref=redir_mdp_mobile

Boundaries in Relationships - http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/155874259X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1372344185&sr=8-1&pi=SL75

Don't listen to people who tell you to keep contact with her, she is toxic to your life. My mother was not as bad as yours but still not very good mother and best thing that happened to me was that I moved across the ocean and I had chance to see her only 7 times in last 25 years.

You should read toxic parents by susan forward

attached was good for general info and I really liked this one for actual help IRL.

It sounds like you guys really don't know how to argue. There are appropriate ways to express how you're feeling, and the way you guys talk to each other isn't the most effective way to come to an amicable end.

There is a book called The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work that is excellent in teaching how to argue with your partner. If you are both willing to read it and try to follow the advise within, it would probably really help. If you can't come to a compromise at home, you would both probably really benefit from couples counseling.

Get him to read some self help books like No More Mr Nice Guy.

If you're really wanting to try an open relationship, I highly recommend you read The Ethical Slut. It's an incredibly eye-opening book about how to deal with some issues that might occur when you're in any kind of relationship, not just open relationships (working through jealousy, managing your time, enjoying intimacy, laying down ground rules, etc). And then, once you're done with that book (assuming this girl agrees to the open relationship bit), have her read it too.

Before making any decisions... I HIGHLY recommend reading Opening Up by Tristan Taormino. It is a fantastic introduction how to guide to open relationships. Even if by the end you decide "ok this isn't for me" I can't imagine not finding something useful to take away for any other relationship you go on to have.

Edit: Also, if you are seriously considering this change, visit /r/polyamory. /r/relationships is pretty biased against non-monogamy.

>i feel so alone sometimes

are you sure you're not depressed?

>i have felt uncomfortable with the awkward (to me any way) silences.

You also sound a bit anxious. How about you try to take everything he says and does at face value? Do some introspection and figure out whether you want something from him that he doesn't give you. Once you figure out what you want from him, tell him. He's not a mind reader and can't anticipate your needs, as much as he would want to.

If you're into reading, try to get this one too: Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love. I found it in my local library.

It may be that her low libido and poor self image is a reflection of your leadership in the marriage or lack thereof. Desire cannot be negociated, bartered, or bought. She has to intrinsically feel it or be led to it by your actions. A short vacation may be a nice start, but realistically it requires more time and changes. Furthermore it may add extra pressure for her to "be romantic" because of all the effort you put out.

Most of the advice in this thread recommends actions which will make it clear to her that you place her on a pedestal. While that makes for good storybooks, most of the time it ends up building guilt and resentment.


Spend a little cash and read Married Man Sex Life Primer.

Cheers!

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud:

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454

While it has Christian overtones (which irks me as an atheist), the fundamental message is clear about setting up boundaries to limit the hurt and guilt that loved ones sometimes place upon you.

You can love someone who is hurtful without having them hurt you.

If highly recommend you check this out.

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

This book will definitely help - you. For her, she needs to engage in DBT which she can start doing online.

http://i.imgur.com/8pISpaI.jpg
This seems so simple, but everytime I feel myself getting frustrated or angry, I read every line out loud. (I'm also borderline)

Good luck :)

Read The Ethical Slut as soon as possible. You also need to acknowledge who you are to the men you're dating, especially if you think you're not "wired for monogamy." There are many men who aren't either, and who will like you for this.

One way to bring this up might be by reading The Ethical Slut in front of your boyfriend. That could help spark the conversation. There's another book called Sex at Dawn that has some problems but also describes how a lot more people than we realize probably aren't wired for monogamy.

Finally, consider posting to /r/gonewild if you haven't already. That'll give you a LOT of attention, but attention of the sort that might satisfy some of your hunger without giving the obvious opportunity to cheat.

I highly recommend going to your library and checking out the book Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. I also recommend seeking the help of a counselor or therapist.

Your behavior is destructive and you need to learn the skills to deal with something like this without letting it ruin or take over your own life in the process.

Your MIL sounds a lot like my bipolar/border line mom. Glad its working out for you its a very difficult situation and the behavior is hard to explain to people outside of the situation.

I suggest reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" ( http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901 )

Its a helpful book for dealing with people who have a hard time with respecting appropriate boundaries.

>I know it sounds like bullshit, but I have no reason to lie to you since you don't know me and I don't know you. I had had exactly the same feelings years ago for a female friend of mine when I was living abroad. My behavior could even be described as an "admiration of foreigners."

You absolutely do have a reason to lie to us.

You are deceiving yourself into believing this relationship with your co-worker is platonic and you're desperate to believe your own lies.

You're also asking for advice on how to manipulate your husband into allowing you to have an emotional and most certainly physical affair.

I recommend you read this book.

Have you read 5 love languages? You should http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

You should read The Five Love Languages.

the best suggestion I can offer is to realize that men communicate differently than women and need different things in relationship. lots of women assume that their preferred mode of communication is better, so they get angry or assume something's wrong when a guy doesn't communicate similarly. you don't seem to have this problem, writing "which doesn't go down too well, because he justifiably feels pretty victimised." while you recognize it's a two-way street, lots of women don't -- and guys can get conditioned to regard communicating with women as a threat. I suspect this happened with your BF. Journalist Jack Kammer wrote that women often complain men are calloused, while forgetting that callouses develop to protect sensitive areas from repeated irritation.

you might want to read a book called "Love and Respect," by Emerson Eggerichs. I stumbled across a radio interview with him a few weeks ago, and was very impressed. He writes from a Christian perspective, but in the segment I heard he wasn't a Bible-thumping type (I'm not religious, and wasn't put off by the Christian content). His basic idea idea is that men need to feel respected as much as they feel loved (if not more). But women don't understand this need for respect, so men withdraw, women get angry, men feel even less respect, and a nasty cycle starts. It all resonated with me, because I've dumped several girlfriends who were repeatedly disrespectful towards me in ways that he described.

short overview here: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/communication_and_conflict/the_love_and_respect_principle/basics_of_love_and_respect.aspx

More info:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Edit

I haven't read the book yet, because about 15 people were ahead of me in the hold queue at my library.

This book should have some advice for you and your wife on setting clear boundaries and expectations with your father in law.

EDIT: Here is the writeup on this book from Dave Ramsey, which is who (whom?) I have heard recommend it.

>why does he continue to fucking do this

Because he can. Your mother never left him. Your brother lives with him. You returned home to him. Has his alcoholism cost him anything that he really cares about?

You might find these two books helpful.

Codependent No More

Boundaries

I have a similar history as you and my stomach was in knots reading your first post. In my late teens/early 20's I was in a relationship that turned abusive, and towards the end he used my past as a weapon against me. It was like he constantly had to remind me that I was "damaged goods" to keep my self esteem low enough to stick around. Like your husband, he was a good man who destroyed himself with alcohol and mental illness that he refused to get help for. I felt like a failure when it ended too, although it was probably the best decision I ever made in my life. I think you know deep down what you have to do, and I applaud you for your courage in taking that first baby step.

Please don't let any misplaced feelings of guilt keep you in a toxic relationship. You cannot fix him, and in a way you are only enabling his self-destruction by staying around and making excuses for his behavior. He hasn't been taking any steps to get well from the sounds of it, and he's using being sick as a way to manipulate you (i.e. ending up in the psych ward any time you go see your family) This has clearly devolved into a textbook alcoholic/co-dependent relationship, and if I could give you one piece of advice it would be to find an Al-Anon meeting in your area, and start going right away. I can't even begin to tell you how much it helped me, in every aspect of my life. This book was a life changer for me as well.

Ending an unhealthy marriage is not failing, it is a way of taking ownership of your life back. It's actually quite courageous in a way. The fact that you married someone with these problems isn't a failing either. You have what many abuse survivors have-an innate sense of empathy for other people in pain. There is a reason so many of us grow up to be caretakers, and often end up with damaged people who hurt us. It's that empathy and deep understanding that draws you in. It's not low self esteem, or masochism, like so many people suggest. It's not a character flaw-in fact it can become a positive trait if you harness it the right way. From the sounds of it you already are through your advocacy.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that your story resonated with me a lot, and I'm pulling for you. I think you are on your way to making the right choice, and I hope you love yourself enough to go through with it. If you ever need someone to talk to who can relate, feel free to send me a PM.

I wouldn't say he needs that sub. However, he should probably read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. Based on his responses in this thread, OP sounds like a doormat who goes out of his way to avoid confrontation. Reading that book might help him grow a spine and start standing up for himself.

read http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

You sound like you have an avoidant attachment style.

Try getting him this book or a similar one. Remember, he has lived with her all his life, so it all seems normal to him. You may have to insist on counseling between the two of you for him to see the importance of drawing boundaries. She is skillful at controlling him and it will be hard for him to break free, but first he has to want to.

Consider reading this:Stop Walking on Eggshells. Without doing the armchair/internet diagnosis, I think this book is incredibly helpful for those dealing with a person close to them with a range of personality disorders, not just BPD.

IDK about therapist and I really don't have any hopes that you can actually fix this. In reality, it's probably just wasting the rest of your youth. But, if you want some help, this book, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, is well regarded.

Attached, but you can get the same/better info by googling "attachment styles".

Gave me (anxious) a lot of closure regarding my (avoidant) ex.

[This] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025) might help you make the first few steps that are so difficult

http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

specifically as it pertains to "stonewalling"

It's a whack title for a book, but top notch content. Written by the progenitor of evidence-based marriage counseling.

>"walk on eggshells"


You can't know without professional diagnosis, of course, and everyone hates an armchair psychologist.. but you using the words 'walking on eggshells' and your father doing a 180 and taking offense to the smallest things sounds exactly like borderline personality disorder.

But you seem like a well rounded kid (lol as if we can tell from a few paragraphs?), so I wouldn't think you were raised by someone with BPD.

Have him read this book if he's willing. It's pretty self explanatory but sometimes people need things spelled out for them. Especially guys.

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156

I've been where you are. I feel your pain. My counselor recommended this book to me and it sounds like you could use it too:

Boundaries by Henry Cloud

Boundaries

Set them.

EDIT: Or, spend money on pre-marriage couples counseling. Not the wedding, not one dollar.

[read this book] (http://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025)

I am going to do something I very rarely do... recommend a book

Before you make a decision, you need to be informed.

Read this book. Even if you ultimately conclude that an open relationship isn't for you, at least make a more informed decision.

1. I know it's a bit cliche, but PLEASE pick up a copy of this book, and BOTH of you read it-
   http://www.amazon.com/dp/0802473156/ref=asc_df_08024731561838855?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=asn&creative=395093&creativeASIN=0802473156
   
   It WILL change your relationship.
   
   
2. Consider screening for depression. Post-partum depression does NOT just happen right after the babies are born, a lot of it goes undiagnosed because people think it only happens early on, and your post sounds like a lot of what I felt when my kids were younger.
   
   If nothing else, get the book. It sounds like you are both trying, you just aren't reaching each other. The book will explain why.
   

Anytime either of you are feeling jealous, talk about it. No hesitation.

Be open and honest about everything, except: one thing to rule out early on is whether or not you want to know every detail of your relations? Really, this can be a kicker. Some open relationships thrive on "hey I want to have sex with this person, oh man, I had so much fun last night with __, he was massive and we went for hours". Others are "hey, I'm staying with tonight, I'll see you tomorrow". Then there are the ones that keep sex on the down low. When I was in open-relationships, I preferred the last one.

Never ask questions that you don't want an honest answer. Like, asking about how their body ranked up against one of your insecurites. Guys asking how big another guy's dick was. Girls asking about the other girl's boobs, a few extra pounds or what have you.

The best book on the subject is "Opening Up" by Taormino. Seriously. http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X

Read this. You have so much to lose from dating women like this. You will find another, no problem. Learn to be a good ender, and end this toxic relationship.

Is his mother Borderline? Serious question, because from your above description, it sounds like she has a serious psychological problem. It has to be up to your boyfriend how to handle her. He probably is stuck in a pattern with her, and really knows no other way to react to her. I recommend getting the book Stop Walking on Eggshells.

groan

It was cool for you to have hook-ups with her and boff her in the toilets, but since she did that stuff with other people too, it's...

You're right about the "it's my issue" part. Except... The "I'm a slut" bit sounds like (as you note a couple of times) low self-esteem, crossed with internalised cultural crap. A boyfriend who has also internalised shaming stuff about sex will not be helpful to her. It would probably help both of you to use this as an opportunity to grow a bit here. Promiscuity isn't for everybody, but with consenting adults, is there any reason it's a problem...? Probably not, except for the shaming. Which makes no sense, and which is more of a problem than anything that comes out of thoughtful promiscuity. I haven't read it but The Ethical Slut is very well-reviewed...

>I find solace in the fact she has never dated before

That's not really a loving/caring/mature slant on it. It would be one thing if she had not wanted to date; as is it almost sounds like her self-esteem is so far down she didn't see herself as somebody who could be another person's partner. That's a thing to grieve, really.

Dunno. If you don't want to love and care for the entirety of this person, it's probably not a good idea to half-ass it. But plenty of this relationship sounds promising; I'd work on it.

Read this book.

It sounds like you are both showing contempt for each other, which is one of John Gottman's (the author) Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. It sounds like you have other symptoms too.

A LTR cannot survice contempt. Unless you fix this ASAP I'm sorry to say this relationship is doomed.

Go to /r/polyamory as a start.

While saying "hey, I am married, but we are in an open relationship" is direct, it doesn't often work. Quite often people get messages from people in open relationships who are really just trying to cheat on a spouse. Prepare to meet some skepticism.

If you are in a big enough city, there are polyamory groups that meet to discuss their lifestyle. Meeting people in these groups will often be your easiest way to meet people who understand and are into non-monogamy.

Also, with trying out an open relationship, do your research. There will be many questions along the way that you may not want to find out after you've broken a rule you didn't know you wanted.

For instance, how strong of feelings do you want with your other relationships? No feelings, light feelings, open to secondary relationships or keeping things strictly sex-based?

What rules do you want to keep in place? Will you never bring your date back to your house? Will your bed be a place for only you and your wife.

These are the types of questions you want to discuss with your wife before someone gets hurt.

check out the books "the ethical slut" and "Opening up"

The books my therapist recommended me are:

http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize-respond/dp/1440504636

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1348629805&sr=1-1&keywords=walking+on+eggshells

The second is geared toward children of parents with BPD (which my mom has), which might not suit your needs, but the first is just about verbally abusive situations in general, and it's helped me a lot.

10/10. I'm going to stamp this as perfect for dealing with her. As for yourself, I'll recommend this book, and some advice.
Here's how you do this so that you move on faster, quicker, and stronger. I'm here to tell you how to make the best for yourself in the long run, I'm not here to tell you the things that you want to hear (e.g. that the relationship isn't fucked). You're only 24 son, this is ok, and everyone eventually goes through this shitty situation.

Breakup with her now and cut her off from being in your life, make sure all signs point to the fact that you are doing awesome (fake it when things aren't going well, because there are times your brain is going to tell you that everything is completely fucked and try to get you to do something stupid). If you wait, it means more heartbreak for you, and your brain is going to come against you in rejection and you could make the process last so much longer as your brain tries to figure out the why she broke up with you (some guys stay in this stage of depression for 6 months to even years and their ego never recovers). If you breakup with her, then you have the reason to latch onto for your brains sake (she cheated, therefore breakup) and you won't over think things which is half the battle of a breakup (and you can avoid the Long-term depression which is a battle you don't want). The most important point is going to come when you realize that you are the only person who can make yourself happy. You must do whatever you want for yourself right now. You can't expect anyone else to make you happy. You can't try to help others and expect them to do something for you down the road, right now you have to be 100% selfish. You lost yourself in this relationship and right now you need to completely reassess who you want to be, and go be it.

She's going to go to the other guy for support, and eventually things are going to go bad for them (a girl who cheats with someone, will probably -not always- cheat on that someone). She'll come back to you and you'll be able to have some fun, but don't get back into anything, it probably won't work. She'll regret cheating on you, and that's the important part, because now she respects you again (also, you've taught her a valuable lesson as an added bonus and she'll be a better person for it). If you take her back, she'll never respect you, but more importantly, you'll lose your respect for yourself. Self-respect is the only thing you can have for yourself as a man, it is the end-all-be-all. Without self-respect, your life will be a continuing string of disappointment in others, with self-respect comes the life you wanted because you earned it for yourself. Go splash some cold water on your face and accept the fact that it's over. Go over and tell her that you're breaking up with her because she cheated, and then don't listen to a word she says. Right now you're scared of losing something, and that's understandable, but we lose everything we get in this life, and this is just another part of it. That's why I'm giving you this advice. I'm telling you what you can't see because of your fear of losing something. What I'm telling you is that this is the beginning of one of the best parts of your life.

You will never be this free again.

> If I randomly made friends with some guy, and never talked much about him... he would be PISSED. Like, he would think I was cheating - especially if I asked him to leave the room and stuff. So that's why I think I'm being 100% rational. He wouldn't deal with this, so why should I? I feel like he doesn't hold me to the same standards he holds himself.

You hit the nail on the head. Furthermore, check out a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. The chances that your husband is cheating on you emotionally are high.

The real question is what are you going to do about it? If I were you, mandatory counseling and if he says no, filing for divorce. This is a serious matter that will continue to cause you pain and frustration until he gets his head out of his ass. He may never get his head out of his ass and treat you the way you deserve to be treated! The only person whose actions you can control is your own. If he won't talk, won't work on your marriage, won't get counseling, won't stop having inappropriate messages with other women late at night, then you have to decide what you're willing to put up with for the rest of your life and walk if what this man has to offer isn't it.