(Part 2) Best products from r/relationships

Female introvert here!

All right. I know you say you've already read up on the basics, but I can't help throwing in this cartoon - it's too good/simple/accurate not to. :)

Secondly: get THIS BOOK - The Introvert Advantage by Marti Olsen Laney, Psy.D - from the library or bookstore (it's worth buying, honestly). It's largely written towards introverts, but this perspective will, if I'm not wrong, really help you step into her shoes and see it her way. PLUS there's an entire section specifically on relationship dynamics between different introvert/extrovert pairings.

A few more notes:

This girl sounds really good for you, honestly. If you've never felt this intense about love before, just know that the intensity might not last, but the depth of feelings can stick around. You sound pretty twitterpated, buddy - and that's a good thing! - but don't expect it to stay exactly like this. I like that you're actively working to make the relationship even better than it currently is, that's a great skill. :)

Your worries that you were more into her than vice-versa? Totally normal, yet often incorrect, fears in this kind of dynamic. As you may know, we introverts do a lot more thinking and less talking... we might work and play around with a sentence for hours so we can say it just right. As for her direct comments, that's an awesome sign - she is absolutely picking up on your signals and I'll bet she's putting premeditated thought into those things she says with the intent of easing your mind and being two-directional with the communication.

Written communication, like that note? Bingo. Most introverts LOVE written communication especially for serious or more confrontational issues. It's often more difficult for us to talk about these things in person where on-the-spot responses are needed - we don't get enough time to mull things over and figure out how best to say what we really want to say. So if you want her thoughts on a serious topic or she seems less-than completely comfortable and natural about discussing something you've brought up, write her a note (email is great) telling her you'd love to have a written conversation about it and to take as long as she needs replying. Reply back, etc. Once you've "broken the ice" discussing a topic in this way, she may feel more comfortable discussing it in person and the convo can transition smoothly and comfortably to real-time discussion.

Best of luck, you seem like a great guy. :)

I'm 27, and this is the advice I would give my 17 year old band nerd self (bari sax player here. Yes, I marched bari sax, it was awesome):

It sounds like you go to a big high school. How many girls have you tried to date? As in, how many girls have you actually asked on a date? One? Five? How can you expect to get into relationships if you don't make your romantic intentions clear? My advice is to get used to getting turned down. It's a hard thing to do, but once you desensitize yourself to rejection, dating gets easier. I mean come on, you don't really expect every girl to want to go out with you, do you? Just some. Let me be more specific: Each week, ask at least one cute girl you see for her phone number (or however people message each other nowadays). Preferably a girl you don't already talk to or know well. Look in her eyes with a bright, warm smile, say hi, make small talk, and ask for her number, or to go on a date. Classmates, cashiers, colorguard members, cheerleaders (probably not gonna happen but see the part about getting used to rejection). If she says no, then just smile and say ok. Literally nothing has been lost. Then when you get a phone number, wait a few days, then CALL HER AND ASK HER ON A DATE. Take it from there.

As for the girl who you love. She told you no. Accept her boundaries, dude. Move on. You want something that she doesn't, and trying to persuade her into changing her mind just hurts your self worth. I would strongly advise you not try to contact her in any way again. Wait for her to talk to you... more than once, preferably, before you respond at all. I think you'll find that she won't try to contact you, and that shows what she really wants from you. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who actually likes you.

Finally, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you try to get into a relationship with someone by first hanging around them for a long while, being super kind and doing a bunch of favors for them, and only then bringing up what you've wanted all along. That's deceptive and underhanded because you've hidden your intentions. If you like a girl and want to go on a date with her, and that's the entire reason you're talking to her, a better thing to say would be "Hey, I like you. Want to go on a date?" For now, I advise keeping potential love interests and friends largely separate, when possible. The reason for this is girls are not machines in which you put kindness coins until they magically want to date you. Ask her on a date. If she says yes, great. If she says no, accept that you're probably never going to be in a relationship. Unless you'd really be satisfied with only EVER being friends, don't actively pursue the friendship, because that's not what you really want.

Edit: Other, semi-related advice I would give my 17 year old self: Buy this book, do it with a gym partner, and thank me in a year.

I didn't read all of the other responses but if not already mentioned your wife needs to go NC with this guy. If they work together she needs to get a different job elsewhere. She needs to give you a full timeline of events (conversations, flirting, texts, emails,phone calls etc.) leading up to and during this unrequited relationship. She must be willing to answer any and all questions you have.

Can this be salvaged? Yes. Have he read (and you as well) Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This book is a staple and one of the two top reccomended books for your situation. (The other is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. The author has a free version on her website here or you can get it on Amazon here. Also, here is a good article for you.

At the very least this was emotional infidelity. She should never have to discuss any feelings at all. That is out of bounds when married. Her reaction should have been distancing herself from him altogether not discussing how to handle their feelings. If they both knew they had feelings things already went too far and boundaries were already crossed mentally and flirting was done to encourage it.

There is no quick and easy fix to 'get over it'. She will now have to earn your trust from the ground up and you will go through a lot of emotions. She must demonstrate true remorse (not the same as regret!) and be willing to do whatever possible to comfort you and earn your trust. Your relationship can never be what it was before. It can, however be good again and possibly even more intimate with diligent work.

Before ANYthing can be done to start to rebuild she has to go No Contact immediately though. Inviting him over is absolutely disrespectful, unremorseful and is downright playing with fire. If she is doing that she is still in a wayward mindset and that is not a good sign. At the very least she is downplaying what has happened and needs to wake up and see what she's done.

If you feel she isnt being truthful you have options. You can hire a lie detector and if she doesnt agree you know probably she's lying. If she does agree she may hope you'll cancel since she's going along in the hopes it will never occur. Many wait until right before the test and spill the truth. It's a way for you to get peace of mind at least knowing if she's currently being honest/faithful.

You need to make a list of your requirements. These are the things that must occur for you to give her the gift of even attempting reconciliation. That means consequences must be attached. If she doesnt comply with X.Y, Z then you separate for example and reconciliation is off. Generally such a list would include blocking him in every way, writing a very short, succinct No contact letter and sending it in your presence, giving you all passwords to all accounts and full access to electronic devices. Not being allowed to delete any emails, photos, texts etc. without you knowing beforehand. You should be allowed to recover previously deleted texts/emails to view for yourself what the relationship was. She should check in periodically and always be able to verify she is where she says she is. You should continue to use the location service on your phones but know that, despite your comment in your post, they are not always accurate. Have a back up to compare against. If he ever does try to contact her she must work immediately tell/show you. If he has a spouse or SO she should be told right away.

The most important thing that needs to happen is she needs to find her why; why she was able to jeopardize your marriage by developing a relationship with someone else. What is missing within herself that she is trying to fulfill. Is it low self esteem and she needs the ego kibbles? What is it? Once she identifies the reason she needs to work in fixing that issue so she can be a safe partner. While issues in a marriage can be attributed to both spouses in varying degrees, an affair is 100% on the betrayer. She had other options. She could have divorced, talked to you, not entered the new relationship at all, went to therapy etc. If she tries to start saying her decisions were in any way because of anything you did or didn't so she is gaslighing.

Lastly, here is a really great website/forum site dedicated to your situation. It is highly moderated and is an excellent resource for venting, getting sound advice and having a place to go where everyone understands from personal experience what you're going through. There is a variety of forums for all affected by all types of infidelity. Check it out

EDITED: spelling/addition

My girlfriend of a little over a year has recently been diagnosed with a mental disorder as well. Bipolar depression, and I have done a tremendous amount of research and have physically tried every single thing I am going to list here. I am a recovering drug addict with a very broad and comprehensive knowledge of varying medications.

The biggest thing that you can do for your SO is support her. I know this is going to be incredibly hard for you right now but the biggest thing that has helped us on an emotional level has been a book called The 5 Love Languages. Here's a link.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

Now I am not just promoting a book here, but I am suggesting a tool that can be vital to you two getting into a healthy emotional relationship with eachother. Now onto the drugs..

The best thing I have found, in terms of efficacy and with the least amount of side effects would be

Kanna. It is an all natural Succulent that people dry out the flowers, crush them up and then ingest. My girlfriend and I agree that the most effective and least uncomfortable way to take this is by mixing up some of the leaves into a piece of chewing gum and chewing for a while. The next best route of administration would be Sublingual, ie puttin the plant matter underneath your tongue and holding it there for as long as you can stand.

Kava Kava. It is an ancient herb that will help combat anxiety and depression, and it also helps tremendously with sleep. You can get capsules from a health food store, just make sure to get an extract with a large amount of kavalactones in it, and you can find tea with it too.

Blue lotus. This is another ancient remedy for anxiety and depression, you will most likely have to get this online, but it does help you feel more relaxed and it really does work.

Kratom. This is an all natural plant that has been used in Thailand for thousands of years. It helps with pain, anxiety, depression and has lots of other benefits. There are hundreds of different active alkaloids. Anti-inflammatory, Anti-cancerous, blood pressure regulators, anti-anxiety, painkilling, and tons and tons of others.

Now on to the next things, the things that will have to be taken with a word of caution.

GABA. This can be found at a health food store and it is a natural chemical responsible for motivation, happiness, well being and more. Taking GABA supplements do not cross the blood brain barrier very well, but people still report that it works for them. It's fairly cheap and it might work for her, check it out.

Aniracetam. This is a drug that was developed as a treatment for Alzheimers disease. It is now sold online as a cognitive enhancer (nootropic) and an anti-anxiety med. Tolerance builds up quickly so taking it every few days would be recommended. Here's a thread about it.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Nootropics/comments/43dm0f/aniracetam_my_personal_impression_my_life_has/

https://corpina.com/aniracetam/

Now, here's my personal favorite, but it can be very dangerous in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal symptoms.

Phenibut. This is a chemical that works almost exactly like GABA in the brain, except it readily passes the blood brain barrier. This has been a godsend for me in terms of motivation, productiveness and fighting my depression and anxiety. This is the one she would have to be most careful about. Start with very low doses and gauge the effectiveness. 500mg to start and then wait. it takes a good 4 hours to kick in if you take it on an empty stomach. stay within the 500mg - 1500mg dosage range and never redose within a 4 hour period. This does cause physical dependence though. My advice for her would be to take it once every few days, or not more than 2 days in a row, with 3 days in between doses.

make sure to read this page about phenibut though.
https://corpina.com/positive-negative-side-effects-phenibut/

Let me know if you want a pdf version of that love languages book.

I was you, but without the tallness. Girls love tall guys! Lanky is perfect because it's non-threatening but still manly. As for awkwardness, guess what, everybody feels awkward a lot, even gorgeous people. Most people think more about what other people might be thinking about them than they think about other people. So, fake it until you make it. Counterfeit confidence buys as much as the real thing.

I was a virgin until right after college graduation. A friend recommended The Guide to Getting it On. When I finally did have sex, it helped a lot to have studied for it.

Lots of girls dream of a tall, nice guy who will make the first move. You can totally be that guy. It's nauseatingly terrifying at first, but it's like skydiving - you just have to jump a few times and it gets way easier with practice. I recommend trying to have a few makeouts or sexual experiences even if you feel anxious about it. It might be easier with a stranger, somebody you never have to see again. Don't wait to be in love first. When you find somebody you really like, you'll want to know what you're doing. Best of luck; it feels crushing now but you'll be fine if you start pushing yourself into those scary situations. Don't wait for somebody to make a move on you.

Oralism is an education method for the deaf that focuses on making them "hearing" as possible. This usually involves alot of training in lip reading, speech therapy, avoidance of any form of sign language. There's more to it, but you get the idea. But from what you said, she ain't one, so no need to worry about it. I'm usually 100% fine if anybody wants to ask me anything about my Deafness as knowing is better than being clueless. I'm sure that your lady is the same but it's prob better to ask her if it's ok for you to ask her those stuff.

Laughter is always a good thing!

Hmm. I know that For Hearing People Only is a good book. A Journey Into the Deaf-World is a really good book about the Deaf culture. I don't really know of any real good book about ASL but the best way to learn is to actually sign with somebody fluent. Looks like you have that covered. ;)

OP - you should start going to the gym and working out too. You'll gain confidence, have more energy, look better, increase testosterone production -> higher sex drive, be healthier, etc.

You can try to go with your wife, but don't let her dissuade you from going if she isn't supportive (this seems weird to me but maybe she wants to go alone since going with another person is slower, or she thinks you won't be serious about it and would be a waste of her time to teach you). You don't need another person to workout anyway. All you need is Starting Strength, which will teach you the 5 main compound movements. Once you've read this, go to www.stronglifts.com to setup a routine that uses these 5 main compound movements.

This is exactly what I did 4 years ago. I never set foot in a weight training area before. I was a complete and utter noob, but I had drive and wanted to learn how to lift and get stronger. The first workouts were awkward as I learned my way around the gym and how to use the equipment, and I was incredibly sore afterwards. It turns out that you get less sore as your body adjusts to exercise, and awkwardness goes away with just a bit of experience. Within 4 months I had gained noticeable weight and strength - and even knew the lifts pretty well. My friends noticed and started going to the gym with me so I could teach them - they considered me the resident expert on strength training. But really all I did was read Starting Strength, watch some Youtube videos, and do the lifts myself.

You asked how to get back on equal footing - I think doing the above would be a great start. You'll probably eventually surpass your wife on lifts, since men are stronger than women on average. Good luck.

I feel for you so much. My mom was never happy with anything I ever did, and still isn't. I had the same dilemma as you - good grades, good daughter, I didn't understand why I could never make her happy. I gave up trying to understand her a long time ago. What I did was minimize contact with her - I haven't spoken to her in months, although I do keep in touch regularly with my dad - he's the greatest.

Long-term goal - focus on going away for college, or getting the means to move out once you're 18. Get a job, find a roommate, get another job. You'll feel so much more empowered knowing you can take care of yourself. Dream about that moment, when you'll be free to do whatever you want, including not answering your parents' phone calls. And deciding to see them only once a month, instead of every week like they'd want to. (I'm just giving some examples here, but you'll be in total control of how often you guys interact.)

Short term - every time they try to put you down, you should reply by saying something you did good - I got an A in that class, or I did some other things. You should also remind them that you don't do drugs, never drank, never got pregnant. If they bring up examples of kids doing better than you (my mom had a neverending list!), you bring up other kids who are doing drugs, or went to jail, or don't get better grades than you. Remind them every day - their habit is hard to break, so you'll have to be very persistent and consistent.

I wonder if there's a counselor at your school. Talk to one of your teachers - there must be one you trust or like more than all the others. He/she can give you more information. I know that all colleges have free counseling for students, so worse case scenario, you'd have to wait a year to get into counseling. And the counseling in college is confidential, so your parents won't find out about it unless you tell them (or maybe if you're a danger to yourself, the college might have to notify them).

I found this book: [Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem] (http://www.amazon.com/Surviving-Borderline-Parent-Boundaries-Self-Esteem/dp/1572243287/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1346530194&sr=1-2&keywords=bipolar+parent). Maybe you can find it in your local library - this way, your parents don't have to know about it. I found this book by going to Amazon, and searched for 'bipolar parent'. There are quite a few books there. Your public library must have at least one of them.

You've come along so far, please hang in there. It won't be easy, it will take years for you to repair the emotional damage that's been done to you by the two people that are supposed to love you unconditionally in this world, but the end result will be worth it. Please hang in there.

There's a lot of different directions you can go with this and a lot of it boils down to what your personal style is.

I'd definitely start initiating. Or, if I were him, that would help. When my wife and I first started dating, she basically had to hit me over the head with a clue-by-four for me to realize she was willing to make the leap to a sexual relationship with me.

It's certainly a good idea to talk about this stuff and get it out in the open. If you can keep in light and positive, I think you can make a lot of progress. More like "I really enjoy being with you and I'd like this relationship to be a lot more physical. How would you like to see things evolve over the near-term?" instead of "You're frustrating the piss out of me, dude."

He may not have had any good male guidance about this stuff, so he feels trapped between being the wimpy "nice guy" who never makes a move or being a pushy douchebag, you know? A book I found extremely helpful was The Way of the Superior Man, which is maybe 30% bullshit but also asks the reader a lot of difficult and helpful questions about how to progress sexually and emotionally as a guy. I found it valuable even while I cringed at some of the author's more loony ideas.

You could also encourage him to read the all-time top posts to /r/sex. A lot of it won't apply to him but it's almost guaranteed to widen his perspective. You could even find stories you like and forward them to him or read them together and talk about them, like whether he'd like to try various things with you.

I'm unclear on whether he's a virgin, which would make this even scarier for him. If he's not, that'll be easier for you both.

I know this is kind of rambling, so I hope some of it is useful.

As a person who battles depression and has had it take its toll on relationships I feel like I have a little bit to offer, not sure if any of it is helpful though.

A depressed person wants it all. They want their partner to be loving, supportive and compassionate to their disease. Which by all mean, they should be. However, they also want them to accept their excuses and enable their disease while not returning any of the affection. I'll be damned if I didn't turn on/pull away from the most loving people in my life because they saw my sickness and refused to accept it as me. While you should be a loving partner, you should NEVER be an enabler! It's tough love and anyone who has a close relation with a depressed person should know what I'm talking about.

I outline those points because you need to do what is best for you (and your child). If you feel your partner is truly trying to take control of her disease, then I would think you should stay and be supportive (assuming you want the relationship to continue, which I do since you are asking).

If you feel like your partner is just going through the motions or giving up, then that's when it gets harder. You'll have to make a distinction about when enough is enough and you have to look out for you and your son. Unfortunately for me, I had to lose my gf, alienate my friends and family before realizing I had to fight back.

Are you seeing a therapist or attending any sort of group counseling? I strong believe that this, while learning about the disease would really help you. You'll be able to make informed, confident choices about how to behave and maintain (or terminate) your relationship.

If you want to really understand what it is like to be depressed, how we think, how twisted our logic becomes, then I suggest reading The Noonday Demon. I cannot recommend this book strongly enough to anyone dealing with depression or a person who is depressed. If you don't do anything with my words but read the first few chapters of this book, then this post was a success.

Sorry if anything doesn't make sense, it's late :) Good luck to you and your family.

Let me say right up front that this is colored through the lens of my own experience, so I am not necessarily unbiased here. :) OK, that out of the way, from the little we know, she sounds as though she flip flops on you. One moment she's OK and the next, pushing you away. She's tried therapy and treatment for depression which has been ineffective. She gets angry with you for no apparent reason, but refuses to tell you why. She acts like things are OK in front of others, yet when alone, she's a different person.

Man, if I weren't sure it's not, I'd say you were married my ex-wife. (I know she's not because the ages are wrong. That said, I went though exactly what you're describing for two decades. Why so long, you may ask? Well, she'd be great for a long time. Her grandmother lived with us for many years, which in retrospect made her behave more carefully.

All that aside, let me give you the end result. She was eventually diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I won't get into exactly what all that means, but I urge you to look into it. According to my own therapist, as well as the one we both went to fora while against her "better judgement", BPD is underdiagnosed and is commonly misdiagnosed as depression because the symptoms in common are all that tend to get reported.

One thing that makes it extremely difficult to treat, let alone live with, is their brain apparently literally makes memories up to suit, even moreso than normal. They will adamantly argue that you did X, despite X never having been done. They're also most often perceived by those not close to them as very normal and even likable. There are a number of theories on why that is, but it's very common.

I read a book on it a while ago, aimed more at children of BPD parents, but my therapist thought it was useful. I found it immensely so. I'll ask her for the name of it and edit in a link later.

Edit: Holy crap, she got back to my text fast! Must have caught her at a good time. Anyhow, the book is called Surviving a Borderline Parent. I found it quite helpful, personally.

Good luck, man. Feel free to PM me if you want.

Likely downvote bait, but there really is some good information for your situation in /r/seduction. There is also some smarmy pickup bullshit, so use your own judgement.

The information of value simply has to do with self improvement, and emboldening your interactions with women to clearly display your intentions. This is difficult to do, but short of that you often end up as a friend. As that's what you're acting like.

Can't say I care for the title but I really recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Women-Through-Honesty/dp/1463750358.

It explains very well how simply being your unabashed self, honest and genuine with your interactions, is key to your romantic pursuits.

You're doing WAY too much. Dial it back about 10 notches at least. You're assuming that because you would enjoy getting little notes, he does too. But it seems pretty clear that he just finds that annoying.

Most guys love the thrill of the chase. You've made it very obvious to him that he has absolutely no need to pursue you. He's got you. Now he's just testing to see how little he can get away with doing and still keep you as his girlfriend. Trust me, he knows it bothers you, but he doesn't care. Because he's certain you're always going to be there.

If you want to be appreciated again, STOP. Stop absolutely everything. No more notes, sexy texts, FB messages, etc ... As far as the chores go, don't ask him to do any (since he isn't anyway). You just do the things you need to for yourself - wash your own clothes, clean only the dishes you dirtied or that you need for your meal. Buy groceries that you want to eat. Let him fend for himself.

Don't explain to him why you've changed your behavior, just do it and act as if nothing is different. Find a few outside interests and spend more time away from him. Make it clear through your actions (not words) that you won't always be available at his beck and call.

If you really want to keep the relationship, this is the book you need to read: Why Men Love Bitches Every piece of advice she gives is dead-on accurate.

What you're going through is completely normal.

> We've been NC for 2+ months and I was really debating breaking that because I just miss having my best friend so much.

I think the best thing you can do is remain NC if you truly want to heal and move on, unless you hate yourself and want more pain. In the book Getting Past Your Breakup, this is a major topic. In it, she says:

> While there are many versions of “let’s be friends” and your mileage may vary, the advice remains the same: Trying to be friends with your ex is a losing strategy most of the time.

And:

> The person who pushes to “be friends” is usually the one who doesn’t want the commitment or responsibility of the relationship but is unwilling to completely relinquish the companionship of someone familiar.

You might think that trying to be friends with her will make this easier or make the pain go away but it won't! Be prepared to hear about how much fun she is having and how happy she is with her new boyfriend. Be prepared to see all the pictures and anything related to you GONE, and to be treated like a buddy when you still love her. Be prepared for her to cross the line with you which leads you on, only for her to say "that was a mistake" and disappear. This is just a small example from my past foolishness related to "let's be friends!" It's a BAD IDEA.

> I go out and meet people and make sure my life is on track but there's still an emptiness in part of me that doesn't go away.

Seven months after a 4.5 year relationship isn't long. It took me FIVE YEARS to get over my first one and it's been nearly two since my last one and sometimes I still miss her SO much. This is completely normal even though we're often told "yo it's been two weeks, you need to get out there man!" It takes time but I can tell you that there are specific actions you can take to make it better, and that breaking NC is almost surely an action that is going to make it worse for you.

Before you do anything, at least read through the above book starting on around page 26 where she talks about this whole "let's be friends" business and really give this some thought. I read through the whole book and did most of what she said, and it helped me a lot with the end of my last major relationship. It wasn't easy but I'm much further along in the process now than I was with the first one. I just hope you don't have to learn the ultra hard way like I did.

I'm sorry to hear about your childhood. Are you seeing a therapist or counselor for your past issues? Unrelated to your relationship, being suicidal is really serious and having that turn around based on one person is a precarious position to be in. It's not just that the relationship might not last, but if for some other reason you have to be apart it puts you in a bad position. It's important to have a proper support system that doesn't hinge on one person.

About the baseless accusations of cheating, either this is really coming out of thin air(which again, it might help to talk to someone about -- therapist, friend, whatever) or your gut is telling you something. Trust is really important for long distance relationships(sounds like you're long distance since you met online and he's visiting). If you really feel that it's coming from nowhere, try stopping yourself before you make an accusation and ask yourself how you're feeling and try to handle whatever emotion is making your act out. A lot of times it can help to just walk away and think about something else. If you make a habit of analyzing why you're about to do something, it gives you time to tell your boyfriend, "Hey, I'm just not feeling so well right now. I'm going to take a break and cool off for a few minutes." Even just going outside and getting some fresh air can help if you're about to act out of just pure irrational emotion, and it gives you a few minutes to reflect on how to start a calm conversation if needed.

Also, I can see how having different first languages would create an issue with communication. If you're interested, I think this book might be relevant to you, especially if you interact with many people who have a different first language or come from a different culture. My husband and I both have English as a first language but come from different cultures and recently that booked helped us understand a little the root of some minor but frequent misunderstandings we have.

> Am I being unreasonable?

No! You are an introvert, and that's perfectly OK! Being an introvert doesn't make you a bad person, and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

I would recommend that both you and your boyfriend read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. It will help your boyfriend understand you, and more importantly it will help you understand yourself. It changed my life.

> After that he was quiet, then approached me a couple of days later and said that it hurt his feelings for me to try to kick him out of our bed and that it would change our relationship if he set up his own.

That doesn't make him a bad person either, but it might make him someone you can't date. Read the book together and see if he gets it. If not, you might very well never be happy with him. I went through something similar with my last ex, and she couldn't or wouldn't understand. Now I'm dating an amazing introvert, and it is hands down the best relationship I've ever had.

How long were you with your ex? The "obsession" part of a relationship doesn't tend to last. Maybe that relationship just didn't last long enough for you to get out of that phase.

Also, how many people have you dated? Have you only dated your ex and your fiance? It sounds like maybe you just think about your ex a lot and possibly compare the two relationships.

This could just be because you don't have a lot of other relationship experience and if that is why, you may end up feeling like you haven't experienced enough other relationships once you marry your fiance. Do you feel like you haven't experienced enough?

If you do feel like you've experienced enough and it's just that you're focused on your ex in some way, you should just try to stop thinking about the ex and think instead about all of the reasons why you became engaged to your fiance.

Also, if you're just missing the "spark" in your relationship you should work on that with him, do new activities together, talk about different things. Interest is something you have to cultivate with him just like any other aspect of a relationship that needs to be worked on - communication, compromise, sex, etc. Relationships aren't just magically fantastic or not fantastic, they require a lot of work and effort. It would just be a shame if you got married and then got bored with him and he still loved you and you never communicated that anything was missing or needed to change.

Also, I bought this book for my boyfriend and I and it's been really fun and eye-opening to go through together, it might help you and your fiance: http://www.amazon.com/All-About-Us-Philipp-Keel/dp/0767905016

Yep, have been through this. What you're exhibiting is protest behavior. You have anxiety about things that pose a threat to your relationship. Some of these things might be normal insecurities, but others can be the tiniest, most irrational thoughts that subconsciously eat away at your confidence in yourself and your relationship.

Cutting your boyfriend down by belittling him and telling him he's making bad decisions is your attempt to not only control his behavior but to also to peck away at his self esteem. When he devalues himself, he becomes less likely to leave the relationship because he lacks the confidence that he could find someone better than you.

This all comes right back to you and your insecurities. You doubt that your value alone can keep this person around in the face of other women. You lack faith and trust in his decision-making. Blahblah meowchow end of the day, you're worried about the relationship because you're insecure.

Of course you feel anxious. Keeping your mouth shut is only making it worse. There are many things you can do that can help:

• Learn to identify protest behavior before it starts
  
• Replace protest behavior with better, more effective communication of your feelings
  
• Find the source of your insecurities (it's always from one or both of your parents)
  
• Build trust in your partner
  
• Build confidence in yourself
  
  Basically, go find a therapist. Individual counseling will help tremendously. Also, I can't recommend this book highly enough.
  
  Edit: one last thing, like the person who mentioned journaling, I found keeping a journal to be a very healthy outlet for anxiety. It's also a tool that helps organize your thoughts and gives you something upon which to reflect and grow as a person. That being said, for me it was and is still only an outlet and a tool; for real change, I needed guidance from a professional. It was, however, incredibly useful during those sessions and greatly sped up the process of healing/fixing/tweaking.

Obligatory link to /r/daddit

Grab some books, man, and just don't stress. There may be times when she has a mood swing or three, just forgive those instantly and ride it out. Foot massages, body pillows, healthy food, and books should take care of most things. Congrats.

This is a great book that will help you with literally everything baby related until age 2. Get it now though because it's lengthy.

Alrighty, my personal feeling is that you are an introvert, she is an extrovert. In order to be recharge your energy you need time completely alone.

Personally I would recommend that you go out, and either rent or buy the book, The Introvert Advantage, How to thrive in an extrovert world":
http://www.amazon.com/The-Introvert-Advantage-Thrive-Extrovert/dp/0761123695

The book spends a fair amount of time covering how introverts and extroverts act in relationships together. It recommends ways that the two partners work together.

She clearly doesn't understand why you have the need to be alone, and she won't accept your explanations. I have this nasty feeling that she has the impression that everyone thinks like her, and hopefully this book will help convince her that you do need more time to yourself and that it is not a negative reflection on her.

Some couples have problems because one likes to go and get drunk and flirt with members of the opposite sex. In my opinion wanting some time to your own is so much less of a big deal.

I'm gonna get real with ya. It's clear that you're very down on yourself and depressed and you think it's gonna be impossible to get out of that hole on your own. Well, I'm here to help you.

Now I don't wanna seem like a shill or anything. But this book is clinically proven to treat depression and it's helped me and my mother a lot in our personal lives. It teaches you how to avoid/combat apathy and depression, and how to improve our thoughts with cognitive therapy. It teaches you how to not get down on yourself. It's not a magic bullet but it really does help a lot when you understand how depression works and why you are in this specific position, and that it is all about thoughts/feelings, and how to try to help yourself think positively and in patterns that make you, well, feel good.

The book is Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D.

I recommend that you read it and try your best to do some of the exercises. Feel free to PM me if you want to know more about it. I recommend this book to a lot of people because it made depression feel a lot less hopeless for me. It made me feel like I could stop beating myself up and focus on doing stuff I wanted instead.

The problem is (as you well know) that you can't force someone to get help. But you certainly can encourage him. Self-help can be very effective. I would check out this book, I've found it very useful: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336

Turn off the internet. Tell him you could care less if he pouts for three weeks and stays in his room. He can grovel in his own filth for all you care. You're done with his shit, and he needs to man up. If he wants the internet back on, he better start to get his shit together and help you out and if he doesn't, I'd cut his cable in his computer. He's not a 19-year-old boy in college, and neither are you. Have more self respect for yourself to let some little boy treat you like that. You have to put up with him the rest of your life and if you set the boundaries of your relationship to let him do whatever he wants, he will continue to do whatever he wants. Alslo, if you can't seem to understand this, buy this book >> http://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Love-Bitches-Relationship/dp/1580627560 it's been a life saver.

I recently read a great book.

[Getting Past Your Breakup] (http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating-ebook/dp/B0097CWNSO/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1409175171&sr=8-2&keywords=how+to+get+over+a+breakup)

Basically it breakdowns this point. Once your SO says it's over. That relationship that you had is forever done. Now that doesn't mean you can't start anew. However it MUST be different. You need to set boundaries. And you need to ensure you don't fall into old habbits. Otherwise the same vicious cycle will happen again.

So be prepared. If you want the relationship it has to be different. You can't just jump back in and expect it to be like the good times.

Hoo boy, I've been in a similar situation. In fact I'm just sort of pulling myself out of a similar situation. So much of what you wrote resonated with me.

Here's the deal. I'm obviously not a therapist or anything, but I've seen a few, and I've found some things that have helped me, and I'll try to share them with you.

First of all, you need to stop thinking of this as something you're doing to your boyfriend. Depression and anxiety are mental health disorders. Think of it like a chronic illness or allergy. The goal should be to figure out strategies to let you live your life as comfortably/normally as possible, just like treating a chronic illness. Right now, your goal is to get through your last exam and finish your thesis (that was my big issue too!). So there absolutely are "treatments" for depression and anxiety, and they aren't all medication-based.

The thing that I've found most helpful is something called cognitive behavioral therapy. It's basically an attempt to train yourself to control the thoughts that make you upset and anxious, and to find strategies to help you through situations that trigger your depression and anxiety. This might be something you could ask your therapist to help you with, or you can try it yourself! Here are some resources that you might find helpful:

A book I've read that is full of concrete techniques to help yourself during times of emotional stress (like right now, when you have to worry about a thesis and an exam and a distant boyfriend!) is called Feeling Good. It's quite a popular book so you might be able to get a cheap used copy or find it for free online.

I just found this site which has a whole section of self help techniques for dealing with anxiety specifically is called AnxietyBC. I haven't tried any of the suggested techniques myself, but they seem to have lots of suggestions and further resources.

Finally, if you have a smart phone with app capability, you can try SAM. It was developed by a team of psychologists, students, and computer scientists. I use this app myself, and find it quite helpful in situations where I'm feeling particularly anxious or upset.

Again, look at this as a health issue that you need to find ways to treat effectively. There are lots of concrete techniques you can find online or in books, and your therapist may know a few as well. You may have to try a number of them to figure out what works for you. If you're persistent, you could get to the point where you are in control of your depression and anxiety almost 100% of the time!

As a side note, I've dealt with boyfriends who just don't understand depression and anxiety. I've tried giving them reading material I've found online or just talking to them about what depression is. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. Depression is a confusing thing for people who don't have the disorder. I think the most important thing is that your boyfriend acknowledges that this is a health issue that is not your fault. Maybe that's as far as he gets in understanding. That could work for you two. You can develop a tool kit of techniques and things that make you feel better when you're dealing with a bout of depression or anxiety, and then you won't need to rely on him for support he doesn't know how to give.

Hope this helps....you can get through this, ok?

> at this point I have lost faith in all men.

Don't let that happen, not all men are like this. In fact I can use myself for an example. I met my wife when I was 19 and I am now 31 she is the only person I've ever been with, dated, etc. To get to the crux of why this is happening to you, you need to evaluate how you make your choices of who to be with and see if the problem lies there. And also listen to others, if they're worth having around odds are they have your best interests at heart.

Edit: Here's a book that might help you. The book basically has you evaluate all of your relationships and why they went wrong. http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating-ebook/dp/B0097CWNSO/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1425408666&sr=1-1&keywords=getting+over+a+breakup

While sexaholism may not be about you the partner, the majority of the people in addicted relationships feel that they are being cheated on. They lose their self-confidence, they are humiliated, they are lied to and manipulated. They lose all trust in their partners. They become sexually starved. They put into positions of trying to mimic the addicts fantasy, and are doing things that they do not want to participate in. They become hyper-viligent when in public, and are unable to relax and enjoy themselves, always being on the lookout for signs their partner is lusting after another person. The following link has some references to religion, but you can just ignore that part if you so choose.

r/https://unveiledwife.com/pornography-destroys-these-things-in-a-wife/

​

https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/8o8ota/lets_compile_a_list_of_the_other_partners_point/

If you want to explore a real life situation from a man's point of view, check out these You Tube video's from Terry Crews, there are several of them, They helped me decide to stay with my partner and work thru our problems. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4krRkO4sHc

First try to see a CSAT counsler, a specialist in addiction therapy, for both the addict and the partner of the addict. Having someone explain the intricacies of the disease, how it effects the brain, and what it takes to beat it is they only way to understand what you both are faced with. https://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/

A recovery treatment center: http://www.lifestarnetwork.com/

There are SAA meetings https://saa-recovery.org/Meetings/UnitedStates/

On-line here is a recovery worksheet : https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/

Here is a good article about 12 step programs, it talks about AA and drug programs, but sexaholism is right there with them: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2018/08/24/to-ben-affleck-and-other-addicts-heres-my-message-to-from-one-alcoholic-to-another.html

There are S-Anon meetings for the partners or family members of addicts, very helpful in getting you over your self doubt. http://www.sanon.org/find-a-meeting/s-anon-meeting-locations-united-states/ OR SLAA https://slaafws.org/

Also do a little reading, get the book Out of the Shadows, by Patrick Carnes. It will give you a real life view of what a sexaholic faces on the road to recovery. Another good book: https://www.amazon.com/What-Can-Do-About-Me-ebook/dp/B00AVBERGG

If you want to block XXX sites from your computer Here is a simple way to do so: https://cleanbrowsing.org/for-adults Or this is considered the best: K9 Web Protection: http://www1.k9webprotection.com

Here is an app for your smaet phone: r/https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.androidapp.watchme

orbetter yet, switch to a flip phone.

Here is a good resource for learning about stopping this in in your life. https://www.reddit.com/r/pornfree/comments/2mfxyi/concrete_tips_for_staying_away_from_porn/

Here is a reddit sub for addicts r/pornfree

Podcasts: https://recoveredman.com/category/pfr/

​

Important advice for those in a staying in a sexless marriage:

https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/7qo9ba/youve_decided_to_stay_a_practical_guide_for/

First thing: I'd venture to say that you guys need to learn how to have these conversations in a more productive way. You won't be able to get to the discussions about counseling (which is also a great idea) until you can have those conversations in a productive way.

Have you heard of the book "Difficult Conversations"? I'd suggest you buy two copies and both read it.

Another great one - "That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen

My plan: Buy two copies of each. Read them together. Discuss. Try to put them into practice.

1. Difficult Conversations (DiffCon): http://amzn.com/0143118447
   
   2: "That's Not What I Meant": http://amzn.com/0062062999

Yeah, your brother sounds pretty depressed. Tell him that you love him and fear for his mental health. Suggest therapy or "Feeling Good" by David D. Burns (the book is scientifically proven to have approx. similar effect to that of cognitive therapy - I can't recommend it enough). If he won't take your advice, let him know that you support him either way, and that he can always come to you for anything.

Right now both of you want to be heard and neither of you are listening. You're both tired, overwhelmed, and keeping score. You both have to let go and stop trying to control each other. Sit down and discuss expectations and roles.

Your fiancé seems to see that you need a break, and you do, so when he says, "get a job to get out of the house, give yourself a break" you are hearing something critical and he isn't criticizing you in his mind, he is trying to be supportive.

Stop trying to be right, he needs to stop trying to be right. You have to let go of the little things, refocus your attention on the positive attributes in each other because as long as you are focusing on the negative, that's all you'll be able to see. You don't feel appreciated, and I'm guessing neither does he. You aren't speaking the same language. Check out this book, The 5 Love Languages. If you aren't religious, which I'm not, just ignore the dogma like I did. I am guessing you two don't speak the same love language.

>Tonight I plan on telling my fiancé in no uncertain terms that he is out of the party, period.

This is the wrong attitude to approach the conversation with. Your fiance has a completely different perspective on this issue and if you don't come from a place of attempting to understand her feelings around the matter, you're only going to piss her off, piss her family off, and get nowhere.

There's way too much to try and explain here, but if you've never read the book Difficult Conversations, I would HIGHLY recommend doing so before having this conversation. Hell, I'd recommend everyone read it.

One book I found recently has helped me tons.

Surviving a Borderline Parent

I, too, come from an undiagnosed borderline parent and also exhibit borderline traits (with my Bipolar II). It's a rough road, but self-awareness goes a long way. Make sure you find a counselor ASAP - either at your school or call around for someone who works on a sliding scale.

How To Help Your Spouse After Your Affair

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

I identify so much with this. The book that really opened my eyes was The Way of the Superior Man. Probably 60% of that book is bullshit but the stuff that works is right on target.

A big part of what I learned from that book was to take my wife seriously, but not to let her dictate my life. Once I started putting that into place, so many other parts of our relationship began working much better.

If you don't like the content that's being posted, then do not participate in the group chat. Seeing the porn and constantly reacting in a negative way won't help you get over your insecurities. You have to put these insecurities into perspective and choose how to react rather than go back to feeling bad. It takes a conscientious effort to rise above those negative feelings. No amount of compliments from others will affect you in the long run, it's just a minor increase of feeling good. The fact that you need his constant feedback for empathy shows that it doesn't help.

The deconstructing and analyzing is stuff you should just do in your head. Give him the highlights of what your feelings are, with straight forward questions if you require feedback. The constant chatter of feelings can be exhausting. It isn't necessarily a diss on you. It's just that not everyone is wired to enjoy lots of listening.

Pick up The How of Happiness and Feeling Good so you can get some help with your jealousy and insecurity.

Pills don't work for everyone. She gave them a try and found out that they weren't for her. OP should respect her decision. "Drilling" this idea out of her is not only condescending and borderline manipulative, but it's nagging and it's only going to make her grow resentful.

OP, you said in a later comment that counseling isn't an option for various reasons. May I suggest a book that can teach her how to cope with anxiety? Feeling Good taught me more about managing anxiety and depression than medication or therapy ever did. You buy a used copy off Amazon for less than a dollar. You can probably find a copy at your local library as well.