Best products from r/sex

You came to the right place. I collect and review sex toys so I can offer some suggestions. First of all, be willing to spend some money. I can find you some great deals on quality toys but understand that a good toy is not going to be $10, I bought a cheap toy as my first and it was a piece of shit and was not worth the money. Also as a general rule do not buy anything made of jelly or rubber. Both those materials are porous and will absorb bacteria from your body. This bacteria soaks into the interior of the toy and even if you clean your toy diligently it will never come out and can give you an infection. Some safe materials to buy are silicone, glass/pyrex, stainless steel, and TPR Plastic. If the toy doesn't say its made of one of these materials don't buy it.

Now for the fun part. You're going to see a lot of people on reddit suggest a rabbit style vibrator. While the rabbit style is an incredible toy it is not my recommendation for a beginner. Rabbits are hard to buy since they have to fit your anatomy really well in order to work. If they work they're amazing, but if you misjudge and it hits you in the wrong places you just wasted a lot of money. Hold off on buying a rabbit until you have more experience with toys and are more familiar with what you like.

Clitoral vibrators or bullet vibrators are really great. My two favorites are the Lelo Mia and the Lelo Siri. Both of these are amazing discrete clitoral vibrators that are as beautiful as they are functional. I own the Siri and am a huge fan. It produces deep rumbly vibrations that give me incredibly powerful full body orgasms. The shape fits nicely in the size and its small size makes it easy to use while simultaneously engaging in piv sex as well as in conjunction with a dildo. My best friend owns the Mia and she loves it equally. Both these toys are rechargeable which I would recommend in any toy. Rechargeable toys have longer battery life and won't die on you at the most inopportune moment like I've had happen with battery powered vibrators. Battery powered vibrators also tend to lose power over time and they become weak.

If you are looking for something that can be used internally or externally the Lelo Liv and the Lelo Gigi. These toys are very similar and both work great for g-spot and clitoral stimulation. The main difference is that the Liv is designed for pinpoint stimulation while the Gigi is for broad stimulation. You'll have to decide where your personal preference is since its a little different for each woman. I own the Gigi and I LOVE this toy. I like it better for clitoral stimulation personally but it does feel good inside.

If you are a person who has difficulty achieving orgasm I would suggest you try the Couture Collection Inspire. It is very similar to the Hitachi Magic Wand only its smaller, less clunky, and significantly quieter than the Hitachi. Be warned though I would only suggest one of these twos for a beginner if you have difficulty achieving orgasm. They both have enough power to saw you in half. This is great for many women. For example one of my roommates is on SSRI's for bipolar disorder and she has only had 5 orgasms in her life. I bought her the Inspire and she came within 7 minutes of use. If you can come easily though I would hold off on a toy with this kind of power until you have more experience with toys. The Lelo toys have a good deal of power and definitely do the job (unless you happen to have difficulty reaching orgasm without a toy) so I would recommend those as better toys for you to start with.

Some other resources for you to do some research on your own: www.edenfantasys.com. I love this site and for most toys they have the best prices (except for Lelo toys which are significantly cheaper on Amazon). Eden has reviews for every toy and I would check and read their reviews even if you intend to buy on Amazon. I actually just started writing reviews for Eden. I currently have one out for the Gigi you can read. My username on Eden is the same as my reddit name. Some amazing companies whose products you can look through are Fun Factory, Lelo, Je Joue, Vanity by Jopen, and the couture collection by California Exotics. If you have any questions about toys shoot me a message I'd be happy to answer any questions.

I can't speak for all women, but I associate sexual encounters as emotional experiences. My fondest memories of sexual encounters are fond because of who I was with, not what they did. So for me there isn't comparing sexual performance with past lovers so much. Most of the time they are behaviors/tricks that can be learned anyway. I've been with a decent number of men and my boyfriend felt very insecure at first when I'd told him how many men I'd been with before him. He had the same concerns, "If she's had better, how can I live up to that?" Truth is, you don't. You don't try. I can't make a list of the men I've been with and order them based on best and worst sexual experiences. They're all different to me. Yeah, there was some mind-blowing sex but it's not like I go into each sexual encounter and immediately start comparing former lovers. Each encounter means I focus solely on the person I'm with and what they can do or are willing to learn to do. Everyone is good at something in bed and as long as you can find a way to get her off and you listen to what it is she likes and wants then you're just fine. The love you two have will also increase the passion in the sex which heightens it anyway.

If you worry about her past you will constantly be miserable and get yourself very depressed. Stop worrying about comparing to her former lovers, stop worrying about being as good as them or better. What you need to do is realize you're not them and you don't need to be them and that she's not with them she's with you. Make your own memories. You don't worry about if her former boyfriends were better kissers than you, do you? Or if they gave better hugs?

And if you're that concerned about performance (which if she truly loves you she will be willing to work with you on it and willing to give you much practice when possible) then I suggest research. As a virgin I was incredibly worried that I'd fall into the virgin stereotype of the completely ignorant little girl that doesn't know what she's doing or how to do anything. I started researching. Research female anatomy. Read advice things on /r/sex when women answer questions about things they like (keep in mind all women are different, though there are many things we have in common that we all enjoy). There are books that give you great information like She Comes First which is a great book and various other books regarding the same topic. Don't just read one book. Read all of them. (IGNORE MAGAZINES) Compare information you learn in the different books. Watch instructional videos. Nina Hartley makes great ones, most of which you can find parts of or the complete video of online. Her one about eating a girl out is really spot on (no pun intended). As a porn lover I beg you not to try to learn things from porn. The more you learn about pleasing a woman the more you will realize how very very wrong porn does sex. It's hot, but it's all show. Knowing what to do will help your confidence boost a bit, then all you need to do is apply it and practice it. Practice is important and it will help you develop those skills better- but at least you're not going in blind. Also, ask her what she likes. Talk to her.

Don't try to compare to her past. Be yourself and make different memories for her. Don't try to be who they were- be who you are. My boyfriend was inexperienced before me, insecure, and felt badly because he's average-sized. I am absolutely blissful about my sex life with him because I love him. Because he cares and it shows. Because he's giving and considerate and makes sure that I get pleasure as well as him. There's passion and love. I make no comparisons between him or anyone I've been with because it doesn't matter how good the sex was- it's how good it is now, with the man I'm intimate with.

She's with you not with them. You need to keep that in mind and you'll be okay.

Stop worrying. You are larger than average on both dimensions, but really it doesn't matter. Studies of sexual satisfaction shows that it is simply not associated with penis size in the middle 96% of the range. (Satisfaction does go down somewhat for women whose partners are in the top 2% and in the bottom 2%, but you are far from either extreme.)

Ignore the size numbers based on self-reports and estimates. Everyone exaggerates. The only large study of erections size - based on actual, physical measurements of more 15,000 men by trained clinicians - found that the median length of an erect penis is 5.17 inches and the median circumference is 4.6". It also found no differences based on race or region and only slight differences based on height.

Women in general are notoriously inaccurate at providing numerical estimates of penis size. In one typical study, women in the first six months of intense romantic love overestimated the size of their boyfriends' penises by more than 2 inches. So don't be shocked if you discover that some future gf is telling her friends that you have a 7.5" dick!

To see the data and find out where you fit, go here:

• How Much Does Penis Size Matter?
  
  > To put all of this in context, women's preferences on penis size, except in really extreme cases, were very mild, ranking far below considerations like "cares about me," "makes me laugh," "has good oral hygiene," "is confident," "has nice hands," "dresses well," "is smart and well-educated," "smells good," "kisses well," and "gives good head" in women's actual and stated priorities.
  
  Some more links you might find useful:
  
  
• Our very own r/sex FAQ on first time sex.
  
  
• A Guide for Male Virgins - tips for getting ready, a detailed 12-step plan for first-time sex, and what to do afterward.
  
  
• Better Sex 101 - lots of good tips.
  
  
• Anatomy of the Vulva - so you both know what's where.
  
  
• How to Locate the Clitoris - because that's important!
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman, by Ian Kerner - the best book for men who care about satisfying women.
  
  
• Aunt Shakti's Action Plan for Proactive Modern Virgins - tips for her on getting ready and having a painless first time.
  
  
• The Hymen Myth
  
  
• You Can't POP Your Cherry! (HYMEN 101 video)
  
  The last two are important because if you're like most people pretty much everything you've been told about the hymen is false. You don't POP a hymen, and only a clumsy brute rips one. They are quite stretchy. You get her fully aroused and then gently push it out of the way and ease your way in. (This is true whether she's a virgin or not. I've had sex thousands of times and my hymen is still intact.)
  
  (A tiny percentage of virgins do have hymens that significantly obstruct the vaginal opening, but these should be dealt with by a doctor, not a guy with a battering ram. It's a simple outpatient procedure.)
  
  That's a lot of reading, and it's important to have some idea of what you're doing. But the best advice of all is to just relax and accept that it's often going to be awkward. Like all virgin couples, the two of you just need to fumble through the learning process together, with the understanding that real sex is not like Hollywood and definitely not like porn. Awkward and silly things happen to everyone. The more you can laugh at them together, the more fun you'll have and the better your memories will be later on. :)
  
  Enjoy!

Hey nowweareopen,

First of all, I'd just like to say that some of the posts here have been unnecessarily negative. This subreddit is supposed to be accepting and I feel like people have written you off too quickly because of your age. I'm 21 (M) and in an open relationship with a wonderful 23 year old (F). We've been open for the past two years, and it's been immensely satisfying for ourselves and our lovers.

Yes, being in an open relationship is hard but so is being in any relationship. oo_nrb has a ton of great advice, so I'm going to try not to duplicate too much of that.

In general, it seems like you're going into this from a stable position and an open mind. I'd highly recommend that you both read Tristan Taramino's wonderful book Opening Up before you jump in head first. The book will teach you that everyone define's their open relationship differently, and that the most important part of non-monogamy is defining your rules and sticking to them. Open relationships demand a higher level of trust and a greater commitment to communication, because there is a lot more at stake.

> What are some common pitfalls people tend to fall into/how can we avoid them?

• Not defining the rules early (Do you want to hear about everything? Before? After).
  
• One partner finding tons of lovers and the other not (Help each other out and talk about how you're doing frequently)
  
• Not slowing down or stopping quickly enough if the other partner is starting to feel neglected.
  
• One partner getting into the open relationship because it feels like their only option. (Make sure you both want this and you're not just settling for it).
  
• Safety (Condoms, STD tests, and safer sex practices are a must)
  
• Confusing infatuation over a new partner for love. (Realize that new relationship energy will always feel amazing, but it's not the same as what you guys have. Always respect the primacy of your relationship).
  
• Breaking the rules. Just because it's open, doesn't mean you can't cheat. Cheating is bad.
  
  > How do we find people who are interested purely in sex and are comfortable having sex with someone in an open relationship? I'm wary of Craigslist and online sites.
  
  The same ways your find them normally: bars, parties, friends, and sites like OKCupid. The thing to realize is that very few people are interested in "just sex". There's nothing wrong with being friendly or affectionate with the other people you're banging, as long as you respect the primacy of your boyfriend. You guys might want to start out with rules about how much emotion, connection is allowed if it makes your uncomfortable, but realize that you are restricting the number of partners that would be interested in you.
  
  > How do we broach the subject of sex in person to people he and I find?
  
  Flirt. Be touchy and make sure to be honest with your other partners that you have significant others, but that you're open. Explain your rules, your boundaries, and if you're comfortable with it, let them talk to your partner for confirmation.
  
  Good luck. If you have any other questions, let me know.

I've seen a few discussions pop up in this thread and I'd like to talk about a few of them to maybe clarify some things.


Why do men come more quickly than women?

For me, there are two perspectives that stand out. From an evolutionary perspective men would like to orgasm quickly because if the sex takes too long the risk of attack or the woman walking away would increase. So, men have evolved to orgasm rather quickly. This of course isn't an excuse in this day and age, but it does make it a biological issue.

Another interesting perspective is that when boys watch porn they often need to do this secretly. This means with the volume down, one eye on the door and as quickly as possible. Orgasm is the goal, not the pleasure beforehand.

Woman often take a bit longer before orgasm. Why is this? I don't know about the biological perspective but one perspective that you may have influence over is the way that you pleasure yourself.

How can women reach orgasm more quickly or mure pleasurably?

Women often need a bit more time before orgasm than men. I'm not saying this is because they don't know what they are doing, but I do think some women may benefit from some extra exploration into their own pleasure. The website OMGyes.com talks about a few techniques that women find pleasurable. Techniques are edging, hinting, consistency, surprise, rhythm and multiples. Sex counsellor and psychotherapist Ian Kerner writes about a few techniques as well. His basic rule is to work on the right buildup. Women often loose their orgasm because the guy is not doing the right thing at the right time. Kerner shows you where to be at what time. A cool example I believe is mentioned in his book is this (paraphrased):

• When a woman is showing the first signs of coming closer to orgasm, but she isn't "there" yet, this is often a critical moment where she may come close to the edge or lose it altogether. One technique that may work is this: the man has not used his fingers yet. He puts his finger at the entrance of the vagina. He does not stick it in, but he lets it lay there. He can stroke the labia a bit, but he does not stick the finger in. Two things can happen. The woman moves her body down to stick the finger in herself or the man eventually really slowly sticks the finger in.
  
  An important note on the technique described above (like all techniques) is that it's not the best trick to make her come instantly! but rather one technique that you use in combination with a lot of other techniques. By trying different techniques you find out what work for you. I highly recommend to read Kerners book and buy the subscription on the OMGyes website, because they are worth it. They may or may not let you orgasm more quickly, but they will give you a great support in exploring your pleasure.
  
  Why do men not care about the female orgasm?
  
  Again, there are a few reasons that come to mind. The first thing to look at is the social influence and sex-ed. I'm Dutch and sex education here is globally considered very good. Still, I don't remember sex-ed about how to get a woman to come. Of course sex-ed is focused on safety (pregnancy, STD's and social safety) and pleasure comes secondary. The only thing that's being said often is that both partners must enjoy themselves. So boys don't know how to give a woman an orgasm. Now they start watching porn. Still no or hardly any female orgasm. So teenage guys don't learn anything about pleasuring a woman.
  
  With no real idea how to pleasure a woman, getting her to come often becomes a difficult subject for men. They don't really know what to do. To make it even worse, when they try the mood often turns uncomfortable because it takes too long. How often have you said "I don't think it's going to work tonight"? This is fine when it often does work, but for many couples that sentence is the main go-to when he tries. On the other hand, when he doesn't try the mood is great, he gets compliments and she hardly ever complains!
  
  Lastly, many men have difficulty performing after orgasm. They may not be able to get it up again so PIV sex is out of the question. They are tired, but not just from the physical activity. The hormones involved with his orgasm make him tired. Also he loses his sexual appetite and he may even feel disgust or shame (this has nothing to do with you, it's also a hormonal side effect). So it's often better to have her orgasm before him.
  
  how do I talk to my guy about this problem?
  
  You want to have a serious conversation about it outside of the bedroom. Talk about how you feel that you are missing out. Also talk about ways to explore what you like and what you don't like. Don't blame each other, but see it as a hurdle for the both of you. Look for solutions and opportunities instead of problems.
  
  Lets say he tries to pleasure you orally. Of course you want to orgasm, but also focus on the pleasure he gives you. Complement him ("that feels so good") even if he doesn't give you an orgasm, because you want to keep a positive mood and you want him to know how much you enjoy it! Guide him in what you like or don't like ("yeah, there!", "can you go back to that thing from a minute ago?"). This way he learns on the job.
  
  Shift focus from orgasm to pleasure and fun. Maybe try to have sex once in a while where you and he don't orgasm. This does not have to be blue-balling or teasing, but it can also mean that you just cuddle nakedly or you have a quicky in the kitchen that you'll finish later in the evening. Make sure that he doesn't get a mixed message that he's doing anything wrong, though. So talk to him and communicate positively!
  
  Another way to shift focus from orgasm to pleasure is by having sex sessions where you don't have any PIV sex but only oral and/or manual sex. This way you break the standard foreplay>piv>orgasm>sleep routine. This may also be important because for many women oral sex is the preferred technique to get to an orgasm and for many couples oral sex is viewed as foreplay or as a side-dish. When it's the main course, you may have more luck and he will have more time to learn what you like.
  
  I hope this helps a bit. For any questions feel free to ask.

About 70% of the women who can have orgasms on their own can't have them during regular sex unless they also get a lot of clitoral stimulation.

I punched my v-card at 15, and from then to 23 I had a lot of sex, but I never once had an orgasm with a man until after I met my husband. He and I are now really well-matched in the libido department, but one reason we stay that way is that we took the time together to figure out my body and how to make sex amazing for me.

Some of the things that really helped...

• We did Sensate Focus Therapy every week for five months, and did a number of other things that are recommended for helping women become more orgasmic. (See below for details.)
  
  
• We incorporated sensual massage into foreplay and fingers and vibrators into foreplay and normal sex.
  
  
• We became a lot less PIV-centric and started spending much more time on massage, oral, and other kinds of foreplay and sex.
  
  
• He learned to "edge" me, getting me near the brink and then delaying my orgasm as long as possible. This takes all the pressure off and completely changes the dynamic from "am I taking too long?" to "OMG, that feels incredible!" And the orgasms are much longer and more intense when you finally get there.
  
  Let me start you off with four books and two book-sized websites:
  
  
• Heterosexuality, by Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny: SFT instructions on pages 24-40.
  
  
• Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Heiman & LoPiccolo: another version of SFT, this time geared to helping a woman become more responsive to arousal and making it easier for her to have an orgasm.
  
  
• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski: One of the best books on female arousal and sexuality.
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner: The best guide for men to skillful foreplay and how our bodies respond.
  
  
• A Beginner's Guide to Good, Great, and Amazing Sex: A collection of links to some great articles.
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex: This is a book in blog form, a complete step-by-step guide to extended sex without all the "spiritual" stuff you find in most tantra books and websites.
  
  Also, my answer to a post at the start of the year has links to other articles that are related to orgasm problems: How to let go and O already?.
  
  One last tip: if you've been slacking off on exercise, hit the gym! There's a clear correlation for women between exercise and the ability to orgasm. This seems to be especially true for strength training activities like Pilates and CrossFit.
  
  Best of luck!

As a "unicorn", I feel I can add a little advise:

• Always be forthcoming about your intentions with everyone you interact with. When you talk to your bf, leave it clear that this is something you want to explore with him by your side, and perhaps emphazise that you aren't doing this because he isn't enough. One of the couples I have gotten to know is super cute. He sees her liking FFM 3ways as someone who wants to eat a PB&J sandwich. Why restrict yourself to either PB or J when you can have both??
  
  I feel you have gotten a lot of advise as to how to approach your bf. I want to add more in terms of how to approach girls, as, forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm thinking is more likely than not that he will agree to proceed. In my experience men tend to be pretty understanding and supportive of their gfs/wives being bi and wanting to bring a girl into the bedroom for both to play with. ;)
  
  
• Once you talk to him, I'd recommend you guys play along different scenarios and come up with ground rules and boundaries. You both need to agree on those BEFORE you try and find a girl. As a third, it is clear when a couple is looking for a third because they are in a stable relationship and want to play like that, and it is also clear when that isn't the case. I have personally ran in the opposite direction when I've met couples who are the latter. It's a lot more fun to join a established couple who knows how to have their fun ;)
  
• Finally, be forthcoming with the girl too. I'd highly recommend reading "The Ethical Slut" and "Sex at Dawn". It is hard to find willing girls. Once you find one, I'd recommend you find a subtle way to leave it very clear to her that you are meaning to explore/play, not to have an emotional relationship. Unless you do want to do that. But most definitely leave your boundaries clear to the girl.
  
  Let me know if you have any questions. Best of luck! ;)

I only started at 20 myself, so I was a late bloomer as well. I didn't have access to any kind of toy or much information, either. What prompted me to start, to be honest, was my boyfriend at the time. We hadn't messed around much beyond making out, but we talked about the subject some. He was shocked to find out I never had tried masturbating, and he encouraged me to try. This planted a seed of curiosity in my mind, so basically I had to Google how to masturbate. Didn't find a lot of helpful advice, unfortunately, so I had to wing it. I honestly thought that the first time it started to feel okay was an orgasm, heh. Though I know now that was really just finally figuring out where to rub :P I didn't have an orgasm until discovering the massaging showerhead in my bathroom. Those things are amazing, btw.

I would really recommend starting out with a small bullet vibrator. This is one I really like, the only problem with it is the fact that it's only one speed, and it's strong: http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Chick-Bullet-Vibrator-80-mm/dp/B00181UD7K/ If you want to splurge a bit, try this one, I'm in love with it: http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Mia-Personal-Massager-Rose/dp/B0029ZALAS/ Both are good choices, IMO. Plus if you order from Amazon, no one will guess what you got.

Now, as to what to do with it... I highly recommend starting with the clit and not penetration. Unless you're very lucky, you will not be able to come from penetration, and if I'm reading your comment correctly, I'm assuming you're a virgin, so it might be a little bit painful to try to put anything in there. There's a good chance you won't need to put anything up there, but if you feel like it, you could always go with fingers.

Once you get th vibe, basically, you'll want to find your clit. Look up diagrams or something online to get a general idea, and then basically, play hot-or-cold with the vibrator until you find it. You'll know when you do, trust me. From there, play around until you find what feels good. For me I basically need constant stimulation in one place until I explode; others need to move it around or find a pattern or rhythm. IT could take months or years to figure it out, that's ok. Don't get streesed or make orgasm your only goal. Just have fun.

As for fantasizing, I still have a problem with it myself, and I wasn't able to do it at all until I had a good bit of experience under my belt (ha). That's why I recommend porn. It's not scary, honest. A good place to start is someplace like youporn.com, they have a wide variety of categories, and you could start in a category like "couples" or "romantic" to ease into porn with things that usually end up being more appealing to women than the other categories. Feel free to explore other categories, but I've found those two to be excellent starter places. I use them most of the time myself, still.

Not a woman, but I'm going to share my wife's two favorite toys with you - and both happen to be SUPER affordable.

Another redditor recommended this Shibari rechargeable magic
wand to me last year when I was trying to figure out a great toy to get for my wife.

If you don't ever buy another sex toy, buy this. Holy shit, the things it does to her! It gives her incredible orgasms;
we use it by itself, we use it on her clit during PIV. It is the cheat code
to making her squirt. It is the only toy that we have ever owned
that she will outright ask for. I cannot give it enough stars.

You can use it during solo play (obviously), but it works great during PIV
sex, too, and has multiple intensity settings... it's our go-to PIV toy.

I have had so many people here on reddit chime in about how great this toy is. Best of all - it's less than $30, and has a ton of great reviews - read
them - don't take my word for it!

--------------------------

For penetrative play, we've really enjoyed this Paloqueth g spot dildo/vibe. It's another super affordable toy ($20) with a ton of great reviews - I actually spent a lot of time reading not only Amazon reviews, but various sex toy blog reviews and the like, before I settled on a model.

This thing has PLENTY of power, though it starts off slower if you prefer that. It has patterns (not that we use them), but inserts easily and has a nice curve for really getting her there. And yes... g spot stim does lead to squirting. :)

This is another great little investment. Both toys I list here are waterproof and rechargeable, both will last for several sessions before you need to plug them in.

I just read your post and felt empathy for your situatiom. I've been in a similar one myself (I have a small penis and trouble with premature ejaculation). For a long time I thought that I couldnt pleasure women because of it, but I've since changed my mind and I am actually enjoying a trusting and fulfilling relationship right now.

The secret to this is quite simple: girls in general doesn't like to get fucked as much as porn or other men (who are educated through porn) would have is believe. What girls care about is one thing: connection. Trust me.

I'm going to take a wild guess here, but I believe that what you want is to give a woman pleasure. I'll say it again: pleasure. The ultimate way to affirm that you've given someone pleause is that she orgasms right? Now ask yourself: what is it that makes most women experience this pleasure?

Answer: oral sex in a safe and trusting environment that makes the woman feel appreciated and beautiful. This is what makes most women feel appreciated and once I realized it's actually true (by asking people what they enjoyed and reading up on it - see for example the Kinsey Report http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports and Masters and Johnson http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masters_and_Johnson) I decided to try the following:

• Put intimacy and pleasure first.
  
• Learn how to pleasure women orally by employing the techniques in "She Comes First": http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
  
• Understanding what women actually like themselves by reading: "The New Male Sexuality": http://www.amazon.com/The-Male-Sexuality-Revised-Edition/dp/0553380427
  
  I've tried this on several women since, and trust me - size queens and petite and shy women enjoy themselves tremendously and make sounds of ecstacy in bed with me. And it's my tounge and fingers that makes them come back and choose me over well hung alphas.
  
  TL;DR - The cock is inferior to the tounge in giving pleasure. If you do it right. Women are not cock-hungry beasts, men are the ones who perpetuate that myth.

This is gonna be hard for you to do, but try not to invest your ego in her ability to orgasm.

I know that sounds weird, and you're probably thinking, "but I'm investing my ego in my ability to make her orgasm." Nah, no one can make someone orgasm. Yes, my girlfriend has hands, mouth, and pussy delivered from heaven that makes me feel pleasure I didn't know mortals could know, but the reason I orgasm (or don't) is because of my mental state. If I'm preoccupied, I'm going to have a much harder time coming, whether I'm using my own hand, or if my girlfriend is riding me.

I'm going to take your girlfriend at her word, that she loves being intimate with you and has made her peace with not having orgasms. I'm sure she would enjoy orgasms, they are the definition of pleasure, but if she can't get herself to cum, there is no reason you should beat yourself up for not being able to make her cum.

The best thing you can do for your girlfriend at this point is continue to let her know, both verbally and (more importantly) nonverbally, that you love every single part of her body. If you love eating pussy, kiss her pussy while you're kissing the rest of her body. If you love her ass, make sure you pay attention to it when she's just walking around the house. And it never hurts to pin her to the wall and kiss her just because, you know, she's there.

Finally, I recommend that you read She Comes First by Ian Kerner. That book is more than a series of tips and tricks to hit a woman's sexy buttons. It's a complete narrative that describes the attitude a sexual partner should take when developing a relationship.

So the term that you're looking for is triad and there are many people who engage in the kind of relationship you're seeking. It has been suggested already, but I would like to reiterate that r/polyamory is the place you need to post this. It is the most accepting, knowledgeable community on reddit regarding nonmonogamy. I have been in a quad for over a year and it has been the most helpful internet resource for my husband and I.

The Ethical Slut has been recommended, there's also Opening Up. I found Opening Up to be an incredible resource to get my head around the different types of nonmonogamous relationships, the possible issues that may come up and suggestions on how to approach them. The biggest concept I got from that book was that no nonmonogamous relationship is exactly alike and whatever works for your relationship is what's right for you.

I would suggest all of you read either/both of the books suggested. Take notes, makes lists of questions/comments/concerns and all three of you jointly work out a relationship structure that works for all of you. Are you all going to be on equal terms? Is your wife going to be primary and your gf secondary? Is your gf moving in? If she is, where is she sleeping? Will you be ok if your gf dates and brings other men/women home where your child is? Will your gf have the right to discipline and make decisions for your child? Just a few things to consider.

The biggest things in having a poly relationship, the same with any relationship are communication and in my opinion, radical honesty. You all need to feel safe about communicating EVERYTHING big or small and you all need to sit down and listen with as little defensiveness as possible. Issues will come up that may be about anything from jealousy to who should have done the dishes, you need to be able to work through these issues together, equally.

Our quad doesn't cohabitate, my hubs and I live together with our two boys and our other couple is married and live with their dog, so I can't give specific advice/thoughts/opinons on that. However, being in a polyamorous relationship has been one of the most rewarding, beautiful experiences I have ever had. The amount of personal and relationship growth we've all had has been so incredible. The level of support during good and bad times, the intimacy, the love, it's wonderful. We've had our share of ups and downs and it certainly has its challenges, but overall, it has been an amazing addition to our lives.

One of the challenges that we have found is dynamics with disagreements. The way my husband and I communicate difficulties or have disagreements is different than how our other half does. It was quite a learning curve figuring out how to negotiate issues, but with patience and a lot of communicating we've figured that out. Adding more people adds more angles to consider in all aspects of your relationship, positive and growth inducing.

Good luck!! You're in for one hell of an adventure! :D

our situations are pretty similar im 44, been with wife for 18 years. classic deadbedroom though she has had a ton of health problems the last 10 years and is finally good. we recently went through the same discovery. it was all done by me but it was me that was the problem (other than the health stuff).

i reach a point i realized i didn't like what we had become and i decided to change. I realized that after talking with a close friend who had lost her husband recently.

i learn by reading so

• i read all of the sexuality/relationships stuff on medium. yes, all of it. (i read and absorb really fast)
  
• i started reading alot of books. These are what ive read the past 6 weeks or so.
  
  • Guide To Getting It On: 9th edition
    
  • Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship (my favorite so far)
    
  • Mindful Relationship Habits: 25 Practices for Couples to Enhance Intimacy, Nurture Closeness, and Grow a Deeper Connection
    
  • She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)
    
  • The Men's Health and Women's Health Big Book of Sex: Your Authoritative, Red-Hot Guide to the Sex of Your Dreams
    
  • Oral Sex That'll Blow Her Mind: An Illustrated Guide to Giving Her Amazing Orgasms
    
    i sat my wife down and told her i wanted to change and then we have been working it for the past 6 weeks or so. i started talking and initiating all the time with her. i stoped hiding my real feelings and emotions. i accepted i was bisexual (that was a big thing for me). i started showing her how much care instead of just telling here. i do things like give her foot masages (Shes on her feet all day). we started talking about what we like sexual and working on it together.
    
    the response has been beyond anything i had hoped. she started buying sexy things again. things she was minding she no longer does (like feeling parts of her anatomy randomly) . she has started exercising again. (without me pushing her to do so, i love her no matter what she looks like weight wise) .
    
    if you can get any help from this, than it was worth the typing. good luck.

Hey!

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term that includes any activities where all parties involved know about the outside relationships and agree to participate. So if I am into another man, both my husband know about the guy and the guy is aware that I am married. It includes everything from swinging (sex, no emotions, typically done as a couple) to polyamory (literally "multiple loves" and can include multiple loving relationships) and a bunch of other dynamics.

Us? We allow for the "spark." You know how you meet somebody at random and you feel a connection with them? A spark? Like for some reason, at a crowded bar or gym or library, you spark with that one random stranger? That. That is our ethical non-monogamy. When that happens, we go to our spouse and let them know we felt that with somebody else. We talk it out. We are excited for each other and encourage each other.

We personally don't seek out other relationships; no dating profile or swing clubs here. We simply enjoy our loving and healthy marriage and if we feel a connection with another, we are free to explore why that person has been brought in our path. Maybe they are meant to be a friend, or teach us a lesson. Maybe they are to be the greatest fuck of our lives. Maybe we could love them. We don't want to spend our lives wondering "what if." We have found some love, some lust, some heartache, some heartbreak, but overall, it has been an incredibly positive experience.

This requires gobs of honest communication, so you'd be a natural at that end of it.

Both my husband and I have realized, after time and practice and mistakes, that neither of us are interested in sex without loving emotions. We just aren't into unemotional sex. Can we have a couple drinks and find a beautiful chick to give my husband a two girl BJ with me in a nightclub bathroom stall? Sure. But sexual relationships with a consistent partner requires actually caring about that person as a potential member of our family. The emotions never go away. You get concerned, jealous, elated, frustrated, etc. It is all in learning how to deal with those emotions. I guess, at the end of the day, if my husband all of a sudden fell in love with another woman and didn't want anything to do with me anymore, well, I don't want a relationship with that man anyway. That is not the man I married.

Some can have sex without emotions. The questions is can you guys? To thine own self be true.

https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

https://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=pd_sim_14_1?ie=UTF8&dpID=41V-zAQaZbL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL320_SR208%2C320_&psc=1&refRID=BNXW54MZ79NJYTRHTGWV

https://www.amazon.com/More-Than-Two-Practical-Polyamory/dp/0991399706/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_3?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=RZ5Q4XCC0W2J9E9CA237

yw.

Learn more about the subject and talk to her about your ideas, concerns, and so on, as well as learn from her what she is interested in. You should talk to her about scenes, get her consent, and have a safe word. The info you need is presented nicely in a few books and of course you can find much more online.

This classic is a terrific read. It covers the basics of S&M, explains some of the psychology, teaches basic safety, offers tips, etc. It will help you understand kink better. Just get and read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Screw-Roses-Send-Thorns-Sadomasochism/dp/0964596008

I also recommend this book on shibari bondage. It teaches basic knots and harnesses, has good instructions, and pictures, and is a good introduction to rope bondage in general. Start off by ignoring the complicated stuff and see how far you get. Whatever you do end up doing with rope, practice, practice, practice. Your gal needs to have faith that you know what you are doing. If it takes you 90min to truss her up, she'll get annoyed. http://www.amazon.com/Seductive-Art-Japanese-Bondage/dp/1890159387/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1345560909&sr=1-1&keywords=midori+seductive+art

If you have a good S&M shop in your area, go visit it to learn about the various toys, browse some books, signup for a class, and maybe come home with something fun.

I've always looked at as a way of making sex more creative, more intense, and more playful. Stagecraft and ingenuity are a big part of the game. If you read through the books, you might find some inspiration.

As for slowing her down a bit, if you can get her to sub for you, you can demand service at other times while promising bigger scenes on the weekends. I am not kidding about that suggestion. Maybe there are people out there who can manage 3hr scenes more than 1x/2x week. I am not one of them.

The two items I would buy first: 1) leather cuffs for wrists and ankles--don't buy the cheapest, the won't work well, or for long. 2) a good leather flogger.

There are lots of places to shop for toys and materials. Hardware and pet stores come to mind. You can make some of the gear that you need.

Try to bottom for her or somebody else you trust one time. A few minutes should suffice. I think that's an essential experience for a top. You need to know what it feels like and use that to inform how you top. Once you have had an S&M experience, vanilla sex might feel rather dull. Pleasure, pain, sensory deprivation, and unpredictability put you into an altered state that can last for hours afterwards. It's unbelievably wild and that's one reason why people really get into it.

Don't do any of this stuff if you and/or her are drunk or high. It's too dangerous and will defocus you from the experience itself.

The good news is that you have a gal who will do things few others will. The bad news is that she expects you to deliver. Just make it fun.

Good luck to you.

I saw someone else recommended the same book I did. I’m going to suggest you read it even if she doesn’t, although both would be best. :)

It might explain a lot to you about how her sexuality works. Especially the part about not being sexual or sensual outside the bedroom.

I always see sex as an intimate act. My sexuality only fully expresses itself in a relationship where there is love, trust and respect. That doesn’t stop stop it from being playful or primal with my husband. Those aspects of our sex life have grown and increased the longer we’ve been together.

I sometimes think of it like this..the more trust the less inhibitions.

It’s great that she is affectionate outside the bedroom. That may be her love language. If you are the same way that’s a great match.

Some people have more of an affinity for sex that centers around oxytocin and attachment. That would include romantic sex, affectionate sex, tantric sex. Some people desire adrenaline sex which requires a little aspect of newness and danger. That would include kinks and fetishes like BDSM, exhibitionism, etc... You can learn to enjoy both but probably not to the degree you have for your natural fit.





https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Edit: quote from review of the book.

>Instead of stopping at overdone "female sexual desire is highly dependent on psychological factors, so light a candle and love your curves" bull, it actually breaks desire down further and provides exercises to help you figure out exactly what makes you tick, and how to help yourself- whatever those needs may be. While I'm coming at this from the perspective of a very inhibited woman, Nagoski doesn't neglect women who are quite the opposite. So if you're looking to understand why you want what you want, and how to bring those desires in line with your goals, this is a great book.

Birth control: You have a few options here (and my suggestions are definitely not the only ones). Before your next appointment, try suggesting that you see your doctor on your own, whether that means driving yourself or just going in the exam room alone. If your parents are resistant, use the argument that you'll be in college soon enough and you need to start figuring out how to be independent, a little bit at a time (this is in no way a lie!).

You can ask your doctor for birth control/STD tests/whatever, but make sure all calls about it go to your personal cell number rather than your home phone, and if you ever have any test results done, be sure to be the one opening any mail about it. Make sure that when your pharmacist calls about refills, the number they call is yours as well.

If that seems like a lot of effort, or you can't get a minute to speak with your doctor one-on-one, go to your closest Planned Parenthood/local family planning place. Even if your insurance doesn't apply at PP, the initial visit isn't terribly expensive (mine was $50), and it's very discrete. If you have good insurance, the pill will be largely, if not entirely, covered.

Masturbation: I really like the Lelo Mia vibrator, it's quiet, tiny, and looks like mascara/lipstick. Plus you can lock it so it won't turn on accidentally if someone is going through your stuff. I'm a fellow brown girl, so I get the need for privacy, but I don't think you can go wrong with this one. The newer version is waterproof, so you can use it in the shower if that makes things easier. Also, if you're worried about shelling out for this, keep an eye on the price -- it tends to fluctuate a LOT on Amazon.

Conversation: If you or your mom are at all interested in gender politics/ feminism/ reproductive rights/ etc., that is a GREAT place to start. There is constant news about birth control, for example, that could be a really good starting point. If you're taking any sort of sex ed in school, that could also be a nice lead-in.

Underwear: I feel your pain here. The best advice I can give is the simplest: buy stuff on your own. Yes, underwear is expensive as hell if you're not getting a regular paycheck (or even if you are), but it's worth it. In keeping with the independence argument above, maybe suggest that rather than having your mom go with you shopping, you get a yearly amount of cash to spend on clothing for yourself. I had that arrangement with my parents starting late in high school, and it worked out really well.

Ass Hair: Personally I prefer trimming (scissors or a trimmer) over shaving, but I would try out both to see what works for you. From what I have heard, using Nair here is pretty unpleasant.

Hope this is helpful! A few people have mentioned Scarleteen and Planned Parenthood's websites, and I definitely recommend those for anything not covered in this thread.

What you are describing is a struggle common to all submissives, not just male submissives. According to a 2015 study in Canada, 64.6% of female respondents indicated they have fantasized about being dominated sexually while only 59.6% of males indicated that they have fantasized about dominating someone else. Similarly, 53.3% of male respondents indicated they have fantasized about being dominated sexually, but only 46.7% of females indicated that they have fantasized about dominating someone else. If you scroll down to that table at the bottom of the article, you can see that the same trend holds true for most BDSM activities. More people fantasize about being tied up than tying someone else up, being forced to have sex than forcing someone else to have sex, and being urinated on than urinating on someone else. The one exception is that slightly more people fantasize about spanking someone else than being spanked.

The study also found that fantasizing about being dominated was a good predictor for having more fantasies over all (including those that involve dominating someone else) and for experiencing each fantasy more intensely. The good news is that this suggests there are quite a few switches out there. It also suggests that two submissives who each have varied fantasy lives may be able to find at least some overlap in sexual compatibility, though perhaps not with regard to their strongest preferences. The bittersweet news is that even if a "pure" submissive gets paired with a "pure" dominant, the submissive is still likely to have more fantasies over all and experience them with more enthusiasm than the dominant. So again, this is an issue faced by nearly all submissives to varying degrees. Still, we can find some value in recognizing and accepting this disparity, and realizing that it makes a certain amount of sense intuitively. Dominating can be enjoyable but also takes a lot of work. The metaphor isn't perfect, but consider that there are probably more people who enjoy receiving massages than giving them and more people who enjoy riding roller coasters than operating a roller coaster, even if it is fun to see all those smiling and terrified faces.

Another thing worth noting is that this and other studies have shown that while men usually want to see a large percentage of their fantasies acted out in real life, women often maintain a clearer boundary between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to try. The authors of the study noted that, of the women who described a sexually submissive fantasy as their favorite fantasy in the open-ended section of the survey, half of them felt it important to mention (without being asked) that they would never want to submit to their partners that way in real life. So keep that in mind as you're vetting potential partners. Just because you get a submissive vibe from a woman you're interested in (or a dominant one) doesn't mean that's the whole story. In the end, there's no substitute for ongoing open communication and slow, unfolding discovery of another person's complex and often paradoxical desires, inhibitions, and willingness to experiment and explore.

If you're up for some reading, I highly recommend Emily Nagoski's book, Come as You Are. If you don't want to purchase, you can listen to it for free with an Audible trial if you haven't done one recently. It's written by a woman for women, but in my opinion there's no better book that men can read to better understand female sexuality. Nagoski helped me move beyond a lot of my binary thinking about men vs. women and submissives vs. dominants and better understand the seemingly contradictory statements my wife has made over the years. It also taught me a lot about my sexually as a man.

Hi! I think masturbation is a very normal and healthy thing for anyone to do. It may feel weird at first but you need to get used to feeling your own touch. Listen to this podcast episode to learn more about how and why you should masturbate:
http://sif1-100.sexisfun.net/2005/09/sex-is-fun-01-self-pleasuring.html?m=1

I have a wide array of toys. I prefer gspot stimulation. My favorite toy is this: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B0019LRINQ/ref=mp_s_a_1?pi=75x40&qid=1344974277&sr=1-1

Cheap and easy to clean! I was unsure of what to think, it was the first toy I bought, but the first time I used it was uhhhhhmggfgg. Amazing.

Warnings: using a vibrator on your clitorus can desensitize it. The level differs but it can be from anywhere from minutes, hours, to days. It isn't uncommon for women who only get off from vibration to be unable to use their fingers. Just warning.
Also be wary of the materials used to make toys. Avoid things for "novelty use" and that are jelly. High grade silicone, metal and glass are the preferred materials because they are able to be sanitized to the highest extent. I would recommend using a condom over toys that aren't made of said materials.
Just know that you aren't "weird" or anything! Loving yourself is very important to knowing how to pleasure yourself. Which in fact will transfer to knowing how to teach your partner how to pleasure you!
Best of luck :3

There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of women squirt and guys love it! My wife is a squirter. The orgasms she has when she squirts are also usually the most intense ones. I can usually make her orgasm and squirt very easily just with g-spot stimulation, but she also squirts from PIV and even just from giving me blowjobs by stimulating her vagus nerve (really amazing!).

Just get a few of these to throw down under you for easy cleanup https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001IN46NU/ref=oh_o06_s00_i01_details?th=1

Enjoy the pleasure you get from your orgasms! Us guys love it! Be proud of the amazing things your body can do.

I have a couple things to say, from her perspective (because that's my perspective too). I am married and bisexual and wanted to be with women. The compromise my husband and I came up with is that we would try swinging with couples where the woman was bisexual so that I was able to experience women and he wouldn't feel left out. Things have worked out beautifully for us, but at first, I would have preferred for him to just give me permission to have sex with women on the side. He was not comfortable with that, so we compromised.

Anyway, I would be worried about the "boundaries" being respected. It's really, really easy to get caught up in the moment. I'm not saying it's guaranteed to happen, but you need to think about what kind of consequences there will be if it does happen. For me, couples should have "agreements" not "rules." Flexibility is important in open relationships.

Also, think about what kind of relationship you are comfortable with her having. Are you okay if it's only one-night stands? Are you okay with her having a FWB? What if she does fall in love with a woman?

Finally, get some support around dealing with your emotions. You can go on r/polyamory and ask questions, they are friendly and open there. You can also read "The Ethical Slut" and "Opening Up" by Tristen Taormino. I would strongly recommend "Opening Up" for both you and your girlfriend. Read it together so you can discuss it together.

Non-monogamy is a totally viable way to have a long lasting, loving, trusting, safe, healthy, etc. relationship. MoreThanTwo is a great website with a lot of articles on doing polyamory well. If that's something you want to explore, you should also try and read The Ethical Slut (this is widely recommended in the poly community), Opening Up (has a lot more practical advice than Ethical Slut), and lastly, feel free to join us on /r/polyamory.

Doing polyamory right requires a lot of communication skills and introspection ability. However, if you learn how to do all this, you'll be even more well equipped to navigate monogamy!

With all that said, people change a lot when they're young. Who I was at 17 was fairly different from who I was at 19, and the difference was even more dramatic compared to me at 21. And myself at 24 is unimaginably different from all of them! So while it is possible that you and your boyfriend could grow together, you also might grow apart. Cherish the time you have now, and allow yourselves to grow as fits best for each other.

> Generic /r/sex[1] advice, tell him how his actions made you feel. Find out if it is specifically sleeping in the aftermath that bugs him or if it's something else all together. Maybe he just feels unclean afterwards and wants to go get a wash but thinks telling you that may hurt your feelings? I find squirting hot but if I'm on the bottom I get soaked and after the fact, it gets all cold and not a great all round feeling. It may bother him more than it bothers me.

I think this advice started in the right direction, but quickly turned into a question of problem-solving. She came here because her husband hurt her feelings, and that needs to be addressed before worrying about why he doesn't like sleeping on a wet bed.

I think OP's husband reacted insensitively to the situation. I think she feels blamed for something that happened involuntarily out of what was supposed to be an act of love and intimacy.

Of course, Husband has needs too, but it appears that both partners are having difficulty communicating their respective needs (or recognizing each other's), and that is getting in the way of their intimacy. She can't anticipate his or pull them out of him, but she can share hers first and then ask for his in return.

OP, here is what I recommend you do: speak to your husband objectively about what happened and how it made you feel (i.e., even though I think his actions were insensitive, please try your best to keep such judgments out of the initial discussion). Be sure to consider that sometimes, it's what he didn't do that hurt your feelings.

> When you went to sleep in the other room last night, I felt hurt and embarrassed - especially because you didn't invite me to come sleep with you.

Then, express a good faith desire to resolve the issue together and strengthen your bond

> Physical intimacy with you is important to me. I want to feel good about it, and I want you to feel good about it, too.

This is when I think it makes most sense to ask what he's feeling.

> Can you tell me what you were feeling when I squirted the other night? I know you might be worried that your response could hurt my feelings, but I'll do my best to listen, accept, and understand the truth.

And then you can work on a solution!

From a practical perspective, there's a handy solution to this that's been posted before.

(Long story short, OP from that thread really loves these pads.)

Instead of asking him to do something he's not interested in, see if you can get him interested. Bring it up more often, watch porn with a heavier focus on the female receiving oral, or maybe load them up in your browser history and let him stumble across it. Show him signs that theres something you desire. Tell him you're not being fully pleasured without oral. If he cares about your needs, he should be more open to it.
Im on the opposite end, and love giving oral, but wanted more information on it regardless. Here's a great book ive come across. The beginning is more about research and anatomy, but it gets better as it goes. Theres a little bit of humor too so its a fairly easy read. Its called, "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. Heres a link to amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3

Side note, something that drives me crazy is when a girl texts me randomly and tells me shes thinking about me going down on her. Come night time, all i want to do is just that. Subtle hints can be your best friend. Good luck to ya!

1. This is just part of her fluid. Take a look at this project[nsfw] to see how vaginal fluid changes throughout a woman's cycle.
   
   
2. There isn't really a solution to stop you from chaffing her lips. She can try applying vaseline after to help it heal up faster, but I'm not sure you'd want to do it before. It would help lessen the friction but would also taste bad/feel gross.
   
   
3. Don't rush her into it. Only have a threesome when she's fully ready and more than just comfortable with the idea (she has to really be wanting it). You need to communicate openly and honestly about it all and set the rules (do you get to kiss the other girl, do you give the other girl oral, do you have penetrative sex with her, do you wear different condoms for each person, etc). Also, just a side note, I'm pretty sure a lesbian wouldn't be into having sex with a man. Unless she's at least slightly bi, she's only going to want to interact with your gf.
   
   
4. I personally absolutely love this toy that was only $17 on amazon. Rabbit style vibrators are popular with many girls. Really, there are so many toys out there for under 50. Find out what she likes (clit stimulation or g-spot, vibrator or dildo, big or small, etc) and then go from there.

That’s absolutely right! Communication is KEY in a marriage. Especially when it comes to intimate things. You two can learn together and explore something you haven’t yet. It’s a beautiful thing. And the fact that you actually care about her pleasure and what she feels already says so much about you. A lot of men don’t. Not all, but a lot. And it’s so much better when you are both focused on pleasuring each other. Then after awhile, you can blow each other’s minds!
I’d also be careful with how you approach counseling. You don’t want to give her the idea that you think something is wrong because that could make her shut down more. I’d suggest reading a book first and then having a nice sit down. Fully clothed to take the pressure off and let her know you love her and you want to make her feel really good. Maybe on the couch or at the table so she doesn’t feel weird.
She comes first is an excellent read! And highly recommended. Here’s the link for amazon. Cheers!
She comes first

As others said liberator makes a blanket but honestly this is what I'd recommend: The northshore champion washable underpad from Amazon!!! https://www.amazon.com/NorthShore-Champion-Washable-Underpad-X-Large/dp/B001IN46NU its a machine washable big like mat that's fairly soft on one side (not fluffy like a blanket but it's soft) and if you put it under you (you can get a big one, mine is like the width of half the bed) it holds an incredible amount of liquid and most of the reviews show that people are using it for squirting. There's even a now-famous Reddit post about it: /r/sex/comments/nvdnu/my_perfect_solution_for_squirters_and_the_mess_we/

It's inexpensive, totally reusable and easy to pop in the washing machine and you can buy a couple to have on hand. And waaaaay easier than washing the sheets!!

This gets mentioned fairly frequently, but I think you should take a look at Emily Nagoski's book "Come as You Are". She does a good job of presenting the sexual accelerator/brake framework for explaining libido. While it's possible that your girlfriend is experiencing a decrease in the "accelerator" part of the equation (this often happens as relationships mature), it's also possible that your advances are engaging the "brake".

It seems clear from her defensiveness that she's having trouble decoupling your unmet sexual expectations from the fate of the relationship. Unfortunately, she can't just will herself to overcome her brakes, and feeling frustrated/lacking as well as afraid for the relationship is definitely not a sexy atmosphere. Rather than continuing to press the issue or invent ways to create spontaneous interest in her, talk to her. Ask her what she finds arousing ("accelerators"), what circumstances she definitely does not find arousing ("brakes"), and whether she can actively disengage brakes that she doesn't think are logical, or actively create situations that she finds arousing.

Sex occurs when the context is correct and her brakes are disengaged. Buying sexy lingerie and showering her in compliments are (well-meaning) shots in the dark for what she truly finds arousing.

Your post really touched me because I've been through some of the same feelings from the opposite (dominating) side. "Am I sick for wanting to tie my girl down to inflict pleasure on her?" The short version is, there isn't a cheat sheet for why we like what we like; we just do, and that's okay as long as everyone keeps things safe, sane, and consensual. There isn't any particular trauma or gratification at an early age that bends us toward what we like in the bedroom. You're doing fine.

I'd like to point you to a few things that might help you enjoy what you like safely:

1. /r/bdsmcommunity
   
2. /r/twoxchromosomes
   
3. SM101
   
4. Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
   
5. Dan Savage
   
   Hope this helps and good luck.
   
   edit: formatting

Communication is probably the most important part of sex. You and your FWB should probably have a conversation to figure out what your each looking for in a threesome and what you each would be interested in participating and what you wouldn't want to participate in.

Tristan Taormino's Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships is a good resource in looking at possible options. Her blog mentions the Beyond Two dating site for folks looking for more than one partner, as a spot to help you find your Unicorn.

Once you've found your 3rd, a conversation with the three of you is a good way to find out where the attraction is, what's each of you would like to try out with the other(s), need, want, etc. In some communities, this is called "negotiation" and is a great way to make sure everyone gets what they need from the relationship and has a good time.

There are many foreplay possibilities such as massage, mutual oral stimulation, etc. -- you might wish some time on those before going to the various penetration options.

SFSI Staff,

LV / P

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Have you seen a doctor? There are steroid creams that can help loosen the foreskin. Were you retractable before and then developed phimosis, or is it merely that the foreskin is still attached? If it's still attached, having sex may loosen it, but it is possible to have sex with the foreskin still adhered.

For me this would have been no worry when I was young. I can't say how other young women might respond, but I do not recall anyone taking any issue with a man being a virgin when I was in your age range. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. Fordyce spots aren't rare and there are creams you can get if they bother you. It's just excess sebum, something your skin is supposed to make anyway as a way to keep itself hydrated and healthy. There is nothing wrong with fordyce spots other than if you don't prefer how they look.

If you want to feel more confident try reading She Comes First. It is a great reference to learning how to give pleasure to a woman and will help you overcome the areas where you are lacking confidence by giving you a better idea of what feels great to ladies and why.

Approach this with caution. Be sensitive to his needs, and -if- he agrees to this, just ask for a little at a time. It may be a month or two before the next stage. If bondage does it for you, I would start with something mild, and something he can perceive as reasonably safe (such as this). I would ease him into bondage, before the S&M play. Once he is more comfortable with restraining you, get yourself a collar and maybe a gag (again baby steps). Once he is feeling comfortable with the bondage aspect, I would bring the dominance into play, and only after all of that, would I bring up the S&M play.

Bring up the safe word, Green/Yellow (more please and not my thing) mostly as comforts to HIM so that he -knows- your the one really in control. Also, safewords are not just sub only. If the dom feels out of whack they can pull it too.

I would recommend checking Mojoupgrade with him to start with, then bring this up. He may have some other fetishes himself that he doesn't feel comfortable bringing up himself, and then bring up -aspects- of play that you want, not the full blown situation.

Best of luck. Also, I would consider reposting this to r/bdsmcommunity

Her clit will feel like a nub (small knuckle?) right in the top middle. If you run your tongue up the center of her cleft you can't help but run into it. It might be partially covered by the clitoral hood. Push that back (with your tongue) and push her labias back (also with your tongue) to isolate her clit. Sucking lightly can do the trick, and so can wiggling your tongue back and forth, or up and down across it. Some like hard pressure, others like soft pressure. Yet others like indirect pressure (leave the hood in place). Put one hand on her stomach and one hand along her side. Use them to sense when she tenses up. That usually means you've found a good spot so read her body language. If she ever says, "Right there!" then for the love of all things good, don't stop what you're doing!

Lastly, get a copy of She comes first. It's a good primer.

Good luck!

It sounds like you guys are putting way too much pressure on her orgasm, and that will just make it even more difficult to happen.

First of all, how enthusiastic is she about having an orgasm? Is it something she enthusiastically wants too? Or, looking honestly at it, is it more something you want to give her?

Beyond the physical, which you have obviously experimented a fair amount with, some people can have a mental barrier to orgasm. Women in particular, many who have been conditioned by society to be ashamed of their sexuality, can have trouble reaching that point or may feel too vulnerable or exposed to allow it to happen. If your wife is open and enthusiastic about having her own orgasm, I recommend you to encourage her to explore and own her sexuality. Try getting her some books (and read them yourself too so you can discuss them) like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski or finding other ways to help her feel more comfortable about and expressing her own sexuality. With gentle, persistent positive reinforcement and great patience, as your wife becomes more comfortable with her sexuality her orgasms may just start to blossom along with her new mindset.

Think about this on an abstract level. You and her each have your own desires and anti-desires. You have the weight of history in your sexual interactions. And you have incentives to keep each other happy / content in different ways.

From that viewpoint, once you started each wanting to have sex for different reasons, your incentives and anti-desires started diverging. You, with a spontaneous libido, want to get sex started more often. She, likely with a responsive libido, wants to please you but isn't feeling sexy in her mind or her body. Maybe that's because of weight gain, because of worrying about what it will do to future arguments, or because of family life stressors. Over time, with this pattern repeated, both of you have build up separate mountains that you approach sex from. Yours is built of a desperate need to connect with your wife and feel desired. Hers is built on wanting to preserve the marriage and prevent another unsexy discussion about the non-sex you're having. Where in those mountains is there space for either of you to be erotic, either to yourselves or to one another? When you consider the tangle of history and incentives, where is there space for you two to flirt and play, to show desire and feel desired?

Sorting through this is going to require both of you to be on the same page about what the end goal is: a healthy sex life. Be explicit about what a healthy sex life looks like to each of you, because maybe it's different. Maybe she thinks she only wants PIV sex a few times a month, but you want it more often, so you can compromise by taking a bunch of boudoir photos that you can use for self-release more frequently. Meanwhile you'll each need to read about the topic and do introspection. Learn about spontaneous vs. responsive desire, read about the chasing dynamic, and go on dates! This talk contains excellent material and is worth watching and discussing together and this book, although repetitive at times, contains some gems that could help.

It really depends if you're looking for penetration or not - do you want something to use while you're fucking him, or something for by yourself? A lot of questions.

The best bet for a first buy is generally a bullet vibe, like this (not endorsing anything, but just the first thing that came up on Amazon). If you want something that penetrates, something like a Rabbit might be up your alley.

I noticed you linked to Lelo - they are the Apple of the vibrator world. My wife and I love these things. We have that one, and she loves it. When a friend of ours was looking for a vibe for the first time (and not expecting a very sexy Christmas gift), we got her this (Lelo Mia). Cost efficient, and since she was a little gun shy about never having had a vibe before, it's very low key but has a good kick.

Can never go wrong with Lelo.

Good luck!

Ooooh. I'm not entirely sure, but was it Emily Nagoski? Here's a link to her TEDx talk! She's absolutely wonderful. I've been reading her book Come As You Are and it's really, really helpful for so many reasons. I recommend the TEDx talk and the book either way!

Good luck! ♥

What you're talking about is called hotwife. It seems there's an active sub for that: /r/hotwife. Be sure to check out their sidebar for more links and information.

A couple of books that are often recommended for non-monogamous people are The Ethical Slut and Opening Up.

It sounds like your fiancée is not fully onboard. You need to make sure she's okay with this. That means really listening to her, and possibly getting her a therapist or somebody else that can support her.

It might be useful to talk to a relationship counselor who's experienced with non-monogamy. Unfortunately, it might take some work to find them. You could go to a local BDSM munch and ask around, or ask around the sub for your city. You might have luck searching for somebody who's “kink friendly.”

If she's sure she wants to try it, start slow — maybe just have her flirt with other guys where you can watch?

Good luck, and have fun!

Hmm, going through the thread you are more vanilla, which something everyone seems to be missing.

Here are some of my favorite things to do that are simple and sexy:

Tie her hands behind her back (crossed or parallel). Use rope and do it slowly (and I mean fucking slow!). Make it sensual as you stand behind her wrapping each coil of rope around her wrists. Pause, keep one hand holding the ropes and the other with a firm grasp under chin, and lightly nibble on her ear. Finish off the tie. Obviously you can't fuck her missionary, but you can bend her over something: table, counter, or even your bed and fuck her hard from behind. Make sure to use her helplessness to your advantage with proper foreplay.

Frogtie her (ankles to calves). This is a great position and opens her up for penetration. If your worried about her arms try a box tie where her arms bent at right angles behind her back. This will be more comfortable considering.

Tying her spread eagle to the bed. Simple and effective. Make sure you use the proper knot that you have seen so it doesn't cut off circulation. An alternative to this the under the bed restraint system. Works like a charm.

Don't be afraid to experiment! Bending her over and having your way with her is a great place to start, but make it unique. Surprise her when she gets home (talk to her beforehand to avoid having the same thing happen to you by a man named Bubba in county).

Let me know what you think and I can see what else is out there!

edit: Links

I think 15/16 is good time to broach the subject, but just be nonjudgemental and they will feel comfortable coming to you when the time is right. If there is a woman in their life who they are comfortable going to for advice that might be easier for them.

I feel like a lot of guys are just ignorant. I've recommended this book to many of my guy friends! http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK. (You can easily find free PDF's)

Woah woah woah there, Eager McBeaver. Start with oral sex on your partner's genitals, then slowly work a finger into the action (not into their rectum.. yet), casually teasing around the anus, just rubbing.

Next it would be a good idea to move to anilingus, I don't know if you're into that, but it feels awesome and spit is a good lube.

Finally, with a wet lubed finger that has been teasing their anus, just go in up to your first knuckle. Keep it still at first, continuing oral sex the entire time. Just feel around with this single digit, not twisting or sliding in and out, but applying pressure in different directions a bit. After a while go up another knuckle.

If you're performing this on a lady, I recommend this (for oral) and this (for anal) book. After reading and experimenting, you will be the master of oral and anal pleasure. Best of luck.