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I am a (nearly) 42 year old man and have been practicing a few different techniques to enhance my pleasure and achieve multiple orgasms. I am by no means an expert or master at any of it, and with some techniques I've only been successful a couple of times since I first started about 3 years ago. Every person is different and some men are more capable of one technique versus another, some will be great at all of them, and some won't achieve any (or much) success with any of them. I'm not sure your or your partners philosophical leanings but there's a bit of ancient philosophical belief involved in some of the info I will link to, I'm more of a logic / modern science based person so I have had to look past the more spiritual aspects of some of these. For example, things like Chi energy and Chakras are discussed by a few people as being keys to enlightenment / pleasure, being more science grounded I prefer to think of Chakras as highly sensitive nerve clusters vs some mythic, magical parts inside the body. That said, whatever you choose to call them the techniques do work, and some of these techniques will work for men and women. Also be warned that some of the links below are NSFW.

The first thing to know about having multiple orgasms as a man is that you need to not ejaculate. In fact as a male if you want to get to a point where you can feel pleasure at random times throughout the day, don't ejaculate for a few weeks or more while still engaging in sexual activity. You will likely get to a point where the lightest breeze on your penis / testicles / perineum (and possibly nipples or anus) will give you pleasurable chills throughout your body - and if you practice some of the techniques below you won't even need any touch to feel that pleasure but will be able to generate it by just thinking about it (more on that below).

There are some men who can have multiple ejaculatory orgasms but it's a very rare thing, and even those men generally have a refractory period (it's just extremely short - like only a couple of minutes). I've read / seen a video by a guy (NSFW http://www.can-fap.net/preview/fundraiser_preview_intro.shtml NSFW) who says if you have an intact foreskin / frenulum / rigged band that you may be able to have multiple ejaculatory orgasms by only stimulating the frenulum and / or rigged band, but as I am circumcised I can't confirm this from my own experience and I haven't seen many others post about it. I can say that even though I only have a small amount of my frenulum left that I have been able to have some mild but pleasant orgasms from lightly rubbing it, though they were non-ejaculatory and took a lot of time to build up.

A couple of other important things to keep in mind: It is likely that any of these techniques will take many months to learn let alone become proficient at. Some of them are also primarily meant for solo pleasure, though once learned they can be integrated into sexual activity with a partner (but might not be something a partner does to you). And some of them are very much in your head, so might require a change in how you think about sex and orgasms.

Mantak Chia wrote a book called The Multi Orgasmic Man (https://www.amazon.com/Multi-Orgasmic-Man-Sexual-Secrets-Should/dp/0062513362) that is probably the most detailed method I've seen. If you don't want to buy the book there's a synopsis of the technique described here https://www.menprovement.com/multi-orgasmic-man/ (Semi-NSFW) and another here http://www.whitelotuseast.com/MultipleOrgasm.htm (Semi-NSFW). The techniques in this book can be done solo or with a directly partner (though I would suggest he learn on his own first - which is going to be true of a few of the techniques). In a nutshell the man learns to recognize the different stages of arousal and stops masturbating (or penetrating) just before the point of no return, allowing his arousal to wane slightly / redirecting the arousal away from the penis. The pleasure is then continued to the point of no return again before stopping, and that process is repeated multiple times until he is able to reach orgasm without ejaculating, which in turn can result in having a long (multi-minute) extended orgasm or multiple shorter orgasms. I've failed at this hundreds of times over the past few years but have on two occasions managed to achieve an extended orgasm while masturbating and it's pretty incredible. When you get it right it's like your brain and body flip a switch and you can just keep stroking while feeling a strong, warm, tingling sensation throughout your entire body but without the feeling that you are going to ejaculate.

Prostate massage is another very good way to achieve more intense penile orgasms as well as multiple and extended prostate / full body orgasms (https://www.aneros.com/ Semi-NSFW. Also be sure to read the forums and wiki, there's a lot of good info there). In my opinion this is probably one of the most pleasurable things a man can learn / experience. Again, learning this is generally a solo adventure but once learned it can be added to partner activities, either by his using a prostate massager during sex or by you massaging his prostate directly. Different guys have different sensations from prostate massage and unfortunately not everyone is able to achieve high levels of pleasure through it, though most are able to at least intensify traditional orgasms with it. There is debate whether the lack of success is due to physical reasons or mental reasons (I'm inclined to say a little of both), as you do have to open yourself up to not only stimulating your body through your anus (something most straight guys seems to fear) but also because the prostate for most guys at first is very insensitive to the point that many guys don't feel anything in the beginning and give up. You have to spend a fair amount of time (from weeks to months) regularly practicing and focusing on the feelings that are there, however small they may be, and in time your prostate starts to become more sensitive to touch and your brain starts making the connection that it feels good, and when it all comes together the results are amazing. Also unfortunately even for those who do become successful with prostate massage it can be hit and miss, some days there's just no pleasure to be had. I'm speculating here a little so bare with me, but I actually feel like learning prostate based pleasure is the closest a man can get to understanding how a woman experiences pleasure, both in the sense of orgasms and from an in the mood / not in the mood perspective. It's pretty rare for a man to not be able to get an erection or have an orgasm from penile stimulation, but sometimes, no matter how much you try to physically pleasure your prostate nor how great it's felt in the past (or how many orgasms you had just yesterday), some days your body / prostate just isn't feeling it. I've had many sessions that felt nice but the feelings just don't lead anywhere, and I have learned to accept that as part of my body's sexual response. On the other hand, I've had full body orgasms that lasted upwards of 45 minutes thanks to prostate massage and were by far the most pleasurable feelings I've ever had in my life. And awaking your prostate has another benefit for some, that being the ability to feel prostate pleasure without any physical help (fingers or toys), but by simply focusing on the sensations of your prostate. This is amplified by one of the first things I mentioned, that being to not ejaculate for extended periods of time. When your prostate has been awakened and you go a couple of weeks without ejaculating you can feel an ache in your prostate which can translate into having orgasms by simply closing your eyes and basically just letting it happen. Over and over and over.

Here's a technique that can work for men and women as it involves meditation - http://anniesprinkle.org/energy-orgasms/ (NSFW). I've tried this technique as well as a simpler form of meditation where I just set my intention ("full body pleasure") and try to clear my mind while listening to specific styles of music (Gamma Mediation is good). Thanks to my over-active brain I've struggled with meditation in general but on those occasions I've gotten it right it's been similarly pleasurable to prostate massage, with some orgasmic trances lasting 20-30 minutes (although not quite as intense feeling, more of a super peaceful with a side of full body tingling sensation).

One other technique I'm aware of but haven't tried myself is the Key Sound Multiple Orgasm technique ( https://multiples.com/ksmo-technique/ ). I don't know all of the details involved in this but do know it involves vocalizing different sounds to increase / enhance your pleasure. It also involves the same concept of separating orgasm and ejaculation that Matak Chia teaches and I would guess involves some meditation / mental techniques as well. This is another method that can work for men and women.

I'm not an engineer, but I'm a designer who is married to an engineer and works with engineers every day, and in terms of personality I fit the engineer stereotype.

My husband and I met at work and made a great team from the very beginning. We now have our own engineering design firm, which is a crazy amount of work, but tremendous fun.

We didn't have to REconnect sexually, but we did have to work at connecting sexually at the beginning. We fell in love on the job first, and didn't get to the sex & romance stuff for almost a year. When we did, the sex was terrible. We had a bunch of problems to solve, but we already knew we were good at solving problems, so we didn't let them stop us. We did a lot of research and then worked on the problems until they were gone.

The sex went from comically bad to the best ever for both of us, and it has kept getting better ever since (>10 years). These are some of the things we did:

• We rearranged our lives to make time for lots of physical affection and good sex.
  
  
• We made a commitment to go to bed early so we'd never be rushed or have to choose between having enough time for sex and getting enough sleep. If we weren't horny, we could use the time for pillow talk and cuddling. And when you've had a rough day and just want to crash, early to bed & early to rise means plenty of time for morning sex when you're both fresh and rested!
  
  
• We did sensate focus therapy (SFT) for six months. It's one of the top tools that sex therapists use, but you can easily do it all on your own. It teaches both of you to be much more aware of your sense of touch, both touching and being touched, and it really helps you connect with each other physically and emotionally. Plus, it's fun! :)
  
  SFT is also the basis for the most effective therapy for PE as well as the basis for teaching women to have orgasms during sex. (At the start, he had PE and I'd never had an orgasm with a guy. Now there's no rush and I get multiple orgasms every time.)
  
  
• We incorporated vibrators into foreplay and PIV - you'd be amazed at how much they can add to the experience, especially if you are slow to get aroused. (Cockrings are great too, and buttplugs are definitely worth a try.)
  
  
• We learned to "edge" each other, deliberately extending the arousal period and delaying orgasm, to make the whole process more enjoyable and the orgasms more intense.
  
  
• We learned to meditate and did it daily. It teaches you how to clear your head of all those things that are keeping you from really being 100% present and involved with your partner and your own body during sex.
  
  
• We learned to do sensual/erotic massage, because it feels so good, it's incredible foreplay, and it takes everything you learned from SFT and makes it a regular part of expressing your love for each other. (Especially useful if you're not good at verbalizing "the emotional mushy stuff"! :)
  
  
• We learned a secular version of tantric sex, and discovered that it takes "good sex" and makes it magnificent.
  
  The key to it all is somehow making enough time for love and good sex. No, it isn't easy, but you have to make your marriage and good sex a priority. And then you have to stick to it.
  
  We started our business in a city where we can live five minutes from our shop. Bud cut way back on gaming, I put "us time" ahead of everything else, and we made rules for ourselves that keep other activities from overloading our schedule. Over the years, these have become second nature to us.
  
  Anyway, that's what worked for us! We don't have kids yet, but baby #1 is due this spring. We know it's going to mess everything up for a while, but once she's 6 months old we've reserved a place at a day care center that includes half days on Saturday, and we've set things up at work so we can come in late several mornings a week.
  
  (I don't know whether this is going to do any good, or if we're going to feel like overconfident idiots when it all fails. But at least we're planning ahead to try to avoid the kind of "we had a baby and now there's never any time for sex" situation I see a lot of couples fall into.)
  
  Here are three books and a website I especially want to recommend for you. All four have good, clear, step-by-step instructions:
  
  
• Heterosexuality, by Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny: SFT instructions on pages 24-40; PE instructions if you need them on pages 101-128.
  
  
• Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women by Heiman & LoPiccolo: another version of SFT, this time geared to helping you become more responsive to arousal and making it easier for you to have an orgasm.
  
  
• She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner: the best guide for men to how our bodies respond.
  
  
• Extraordinary Passion: The Art and Science of Modern Tantric Sex: This is a book in blog form, a complete step-by-step guide to tantric sex without all the "spiritual" stuff you find in most tantra books and websites.
  
  Also, our SO30 Wiki has a lot of links to very good articles and discussion threads:
  
  
• r/sexover30 Resources
  
  Good luck! I hope this helps!

Here's a chunk of an article I wrote several years ago that will provide some background on Nagoski's book, particularly as it pertains to the "dual control" model. I started by discussing early research on loss of libido and anorgasmia and then moved on:

• • -
    
    

    Modern therapy and sexual arousal
    

    The apparent lesson from the early lab studies was that mental and physical stimulation caused arousal, and increased arousal caused orgasms. So most researchers assumed that the primary problem with lack of arousal, and therefore with lack of orgasms, was insufficient stimulation: the subjects weren't being stimulated enough and in the right ways.
    
    But Heiman & Lopiccolo took a different approach in Becoming Orgasmic, focusing primarily on the inhibitions that caused their patients to block out or interrupt the normal arousal process. Yes, they included activities for increasing arousal, such as learning to use a vibrator for masturbation and doing what amounts to yoni massage for extended periods. But the first and critical part of the therapy is focused on identifying, working through, and changing long-held assumptions and attitudes that create tension and anxiety and interfere with arousal.
    
    This shift in focus was formalized in the 1990s with the development of the "dual control model" of arousal and desire by Eric Janssen and John Bancroft of the Kinsey Institute for Sex Research. (BTW, that link leads to a great cartoon at the website of one of my favorite sex ed bloggers, so go look at it!)
    
    Janssen & Bancroft observed that most physiological systems in the body have dual control systems. For example, insulin responds to and lowers high blood sugar, while glucagon responds to and raises low blood sugar. Similarly, sweating responds to and lowers high body temperature, while shivering responds to and raises low body temperature.
    
    

    Hitting the Gas, Hitting the Brakes
    

    Their hypothesis, which has been born out by a great deal of experience in the last 20 years, is that sexual arousal is also controlled by two different systems. In effect, one of these is the accelerator pedal and the other is the brake. And this matters, because if the brakes are fully engaged - by stress, anxiety, fear, fatigue, frustration, or any other stressors - pushing down harder on the accelerator will create forward motion only with difficulty, if at all, and it is not likely to be very enjoyable.
    
    Janssen & Bancroft called the accelerator the Sexual Excitation System, or SES, and they called the brake the Sexual Inhibitory System, or SIS. And they found that people differ a great deal in the sensitivity of both of these systems.
    
    It turns out that this is a really good way of figuring out why different people have very different problems related to desire and arousal, and why they need different solutions. To help understand this, picture a very simple 3x3 tic-tac-toe grid, where a person can be either high (+), middle (0), or low (-) in terms of their SES and SIS.
    
    So, for example, we would typically find that people who are high in excitation and low in inhibition (+/-) need very little mental or physical stimulation to become aroused in almost all situations. They get aroused easily and not much distracts them or turns them off. This might sound ideal if you have trouble in either department, but these people may also have problems with impulsivity and tend to have more problems with STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and sustaining exclusive relationships.
    
    People at the opposite extreme (-/+) are slow to warm up under even the best of circumstances, and it doesn't take much to turn them off completely. They are the most likely to identify as asexual, but they can be capable of intense arousal and orgasms if circumstances are just right.
    
    Relatively few people are at those two poles. What about the other two corners of the grid?
    
    The +/+ folks are quick to warm up, but only if everything is going right. Nerves, irritation, worries about being overheard, even minor distractions can interrupt the happy times. They don't need more stimulation when things are blocked for them. In fact, many of them can reach orgasm with high stimulation even when the brakes are on, but it is usually a pleasureless, almost mechanical kind of release.
    
    What they need in order to have great sex is calm, safety, deep relaxation, and trust in their partners. If this is what your partner is like, you'll probably have a lot more success improving your sex life by doing what you can to reduce your partner's stress level than by being more active in bed.
    
    The -/- folks have it easier in some ways. They are slow to arouse, but hard to distract from it. In many ways, they are the ones who best fit the old therapeutic model, because what they need most is a strong, sustained push on the accelerator pedal. Flowers, chocolates, romance, a glass of wine, nibbles on the neck and earlobes, sexy lingerie, some good porn, a long sensual massage, and a lot of good foreplay.
    
    Most people, of course, are more toward the middle on one or the other or both of these two dimensions, but in the very large majority of cases where people perceive that their sexual interest or arousal or desire has declined, or is in some ways inadequate, it's usually the brakes that are messing things up.
    
    

    Where Do You and Your Partner Fit In?
    

    Want to know where you fit in? This is the short version of the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire that Dr. Emily Nagoski uses to help people identify where they fit in terms of SIS and SES. It's quick and simple. (I scored 8 on SIS and 12 on SES, putting me in the middle of both scales, just in case you were curious! :)
    
    A lot of us live high stress lives, and for most of us it doesn't take much tension to put on the brakes. If that's the case for you or your partner, then getting in the mood for sex isn't primarily about more romance and better foreplay. It's about reducing the stress and blocking out the distractions that are slamming on the brakes. As Dr. Nagoski says,
    
    > If you’re the partner and want to generate desire, use your knowledge of her as an individual both to turn on the “ons” and turn off the “offs”: what makes her feel cared for, safe, affectionate, stress-free, sexy, and beautiful?
    
    And of course, that's one reason tantric sex is so successful for many couples. We start with some of the most effective relaxation techniques known: a safe refuge, an uninterrupted block of time, a warm bath or shower, some quiet meditation, a trusted partner, and a long, loving massage. And only then, when you're completely de-stressed and relaxed, do we add the arousal in ways that deliberately take away all time pressure and all responsibility to perform. There's no need to do anything but lie back, relax, and enjoy all those lovely sensations.
    
    The difficulty for many couples is simply not being able to make enough time with no distractions or demands. But if your life is so overscheduled that you can't find time to strengthen and maintain your relationship, you may want to re-examine your priorities. After all, every form of sex therapy and couples therapy requires a great deal of time. Making enough time for real intimacy and good sex every week might be your best way to prevent the need for that.
    
    

• • -
    
    It's an excellent book. I hope this provides a little bit of extra context.

So, sex has continued to be amazing. We're communicating great as always, and our relationship with our wonderful unicorn lady is amazing. There are some roadblocks, but we're getting through.

Sex wise, my wife and I are managing at least every other day, except for her recent shark week. On day one of shark-week, she managed to get some alone time with our lady and got to be in charge (not her normal thing) since she was by and large 'out of commission'. She made our lady have some great orgasms. I managed to get off early, and joined a party in progress. We all got an hour or so in before she had to leave.

Sex with all of us is so hot. My wife really likes pleasing our lady. I bought a new glass dildo just for group play and it's amazing (not to mention cheap). She made her cum so hard a couple times. I got to watch once, then I got a turn making her cum like that too.

I then got to fuck our lady sitting up while my wife fingered her clit and she came again after a couple edgings. WHen it was my turn I again fucked her till she came and that pushed me over and I pulled out and thrust between her pussy and my wife's hand that had been fingering her clit. It was super hot.

We're planning a threesome play date tomorrow that should last all day. There are plans in place and fun times should be had. I'll try to remember to do an after action report.

I take offense to people who say your wife isn't low libido - that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. That is just soooooooo possibly not the case. Everybody has a limit. My limit might be twice a day. Somebody else's might be twice a month. Why is it that the person who only wants sex twice a month seen as "broken"? I know you take this personally, and I understand why. Like someone else said, it appears that your Love Language is Physical Touch. You need it to feel validated. What if you found a way to compromise on the level of "closeness"? You get your day of full intercourse each week, but then two other nights each week she participates in your orgasms. How? The two of you neck for 10-15 minutes and then you masturbate yourself while she touches and encourages you. Make ground rules. Examples of possible rules might be intimacy nights can't be back to back. Barring sickness or schedule, only one "no" allowed per week. Each partner has to initiate intimacy at least once within the week. This way, you get to have more orgasms with the one you love and feel connected in some way more often through the week and your partner doesn't have to commit to heavier sex acts she really doesn't want to do. Because, I don't know about you, but I really can't enjoy fully sex when my partner isn't in that space. I can tell when her head is elsewhere, and most of the time, it makes a significant difference in my level of enjoyment. The counseling is so she understands how important the physicality is to you and you have to find out what her Love Language is and learn what you need to deliver for her. The book is super popular. If you want to see what the quiz is kinda like, I found this one. I don't think this one was made by the author of the book so it may not be super accurate, but you can google for others to try. Both you and your wife should take the quiz separately. Don't give up on your family without a fight. The woman probably cares about you, but she just either can't be all things for you or she doesn't know how to give you everything without losing herself in the process. Counseling can help to that end.

Mannnn their is so much wrong with your statements I don’t know were to start but let me try....

First, women love sex as much as men. We’re just different. 80% of men (and 15% of women, me included) have what’s called spontaneous desire. We can get aroused just thinking about sex. However 70% of women (and 20% of men) have responsive desire type. Meaning they’re desire is dependent on environment.

Also sex isn’t a drive, it’s more a dual control model. Like the gas and breaks on a car. Men are generally more sensitive to the gas, women are more sensitive to the breaks. This makes sense because sex is more risky for women.

Hormones don’t have any affect on desire for women, with rare exception of some birth controls lowering it.

All of what I said and more can be found in comes as you are. I would suggest you read it. It’s the best book on female sexuality out there. I and my husband both have spontaneous desire and he works to make sure my brakes aren’t triggered so we have awesome sex 6-9x a week (even after 16 years together). You don’t have to live with a dead bed.

You have a very special wife. She's admitted to you that she has a lower drive than you but she is still right there with you, having, and enjoying, sex 3-5 times a week. Never take that for granted. I know it's fantastic to feel desired and wanted by a partner that can't wait to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed, but that's just not what some people do. The fact that after all these years your wife is still an active and enthusiastic participant in your sex life is her showing you how much she wants and desires you.

I think you might both benefit from reading Come as You Are, which explains Responsive Desire. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just the way some people work sexually, and there's nothing wrong with it. Knowing what it is, and how it works can make a world of difference.

I would suggest 1 that you keep complimenting her, and also to try Emily Nagoski's suggestion to ask your wife to look into the mirror every day and notice how beautiful she is. See her blog or book "Come as you are", or her podcasts/videos. The following is from her blog and her Tedx talk:

"Stand in front of a mirror as close to naked as you can tolerate. Look at what you see there. And write down everything you see… that you like. And of course the first thing that will happen is that your brain will be filled with all the noisy cultural bullshit about the things that are “wrong” with your body. That’s fine. Just notice those thoughts and let them go for now. You’ve got the whole rest of the day to have those thoughts. Right now, pay attention to the things you like. If it’s your eyelashes, your toes, whatever it is. Write it down.

Do it again tomorrow. And again the next day. The more you practice noticing your own beauty, the more you’ll see what a frickin’ frackin’ miracle you are, and the stronger a hold you’ll have on the keys to your own sexual wellbeing. Confidence is knowing what’s true. Joy is loving what’s true."

In fact - I recommend the video to both you and your wife.

Happy to :)
While we always enjoyed doggy style we do a lot more of it these days.
Also, we picked up a wedge pillow (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B009HHLBKK?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o07_s01) and it has been fun. My wife can lay on her back with it under her hips and it is great as it raises her hips and it changes the angle that I enter her and where I hit internally. It also allows us to maintain eye contact. ;) It's also a great position for me to give her oral as I can go for up to an hour without getting a sore neck.
She also likes to lay face down on it with it under her hips. Very similar to doggy but it's a lot easier on her arms.
We love to spoon but entering her while spooning is difficult now. We've compensated by spooning from the waist down which allows penetration and I can still touch her back, arms and face, maintaining a level of connection.
I think the final one that we enjoy is where she lays on her back and I lay on my side next to her, maybe at a 45 degree angle. She raises her leg closest to me, I slide my top leg under her raised leg and extend so that lies on top of or next to her other leg. This allows us me to enter her and get really deep into her.
Another one that we've added is where she lays on her side and moves her top leg forward with her lower leg running parallel to her lower leg. I then straddle her lower leg and slide into her. It's ok for us. I mention it as it's worth trying and I know experiences vary by person.
If I wasn't clear or descriptive enough let me know and I'll try to clarify.
Oh, and one more thing... We added a Hitatchi magic wand and she loves having a non-penetrative vibrator.

Liberator has foam ramps:

https://www.liberator.com/

and look there's a 30 % off sale this weekend!!! With the code GOBIG

https://www.liberator.com/wedge.html

this is the wedge...I think it would be great for you guys, since you're beginners -- If you scroll down, there's a scrolling bar of sex positions that they recommend with the wedge... the standing ovation will likely work well for you guys! The elevated wheel barrow ... really I'm betting the wedge will help you tons.

If you don't want to pay 90 for this pillow, there's this: https://www.amazon.com/InteVision-Wedge-Pillow-Quality-Removable/dp/B009HHLBKK/ref=sr_1_1_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1467501998&sr=8-1&keywords=sex+position+pillow

on amazon. its 40 bucks.. however I can't attest to quality, since I don't own it.

On stretching... this is pretty big, especially for women as having wider, more open access will make penetration easier for you and more pleasurable for her. Obviously, she doesn't need to be doing the splits here. But I agree that a little bit of extra flexibility will help a ton. Doing a little bit of stretching during foreplay will also help keep those muscles from cramping up ;)

Here's a good list of natural oils

I'm personally a huge fan of extra virgin olive oil on special occasions. My wife and I love to use it for erotic massage on our entire bodies. It smells so good, and it's thick enough to have good staying power. It leaves your skin nice and soft too.

For everyday use, I've been trying almond oil lately, as an alternative to coconut oil, with great success.

Gotta recommend:

She Comes First


This was an informative book and the info from it was very helpful as it made me more aware of my partner’s body and what works for her.

My partner at the time wasn’t having orgasms, and I hadn’t ran into that problem before, so I stressed about it and looked things up online when I found this book. And. Oh. My. God.

The knowledge is like the difference between driver’s ed and automotive engineering course; one shows you how to do things safely, the other lets you know what needs tweaking to get the engine performance up.

It’s also made sex more fun for me because I feel more comfortable and curious to help my partner with her orgasm.

Hope that helps.

I highly recommend getting a copy of She Comes First. It’s a fun read, isn’t too long, gives all the technical tips you could hope for, and also emphasizes how to get a woman more comfortable and relaxed about receiving oral. That book fits your specific need very well.

Aside from that my top suggestion would be patience. Don’t dive straight to the clit. Rub her whole body, get her relaxed, circle the area for awhile. Lick the area and occasionally brush the clit, slowly increasing contact by lingering longer as you go. That should help with sensitivity.

Maybe take the Love Language test. It sounds to me like you both have different love languages, maybe if you both did the test, read the book, you’d understand each other’s needs more? It’s a start anyway. I’m sorry you’re in a marriage with a woman you clearly love, but are left feeling unfulfilled and unwanted. Try the book, try marriage counselling, try weekends away together. If nothing works, and you’re still feeling unfulfilled, consider more drastic options, you deserve to feel loved and wanted. I truly wish you all the best.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

I can't recommend strongly enough that you read the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. In the very least, Google arousal non-concordance.

I don't want to spoil the punchlines but there's almost certainly nothing in the least wrong with you. Lubrication or lack thereof doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. You're getting in your head; happens to everyone to varying degrees.

Best of luck and try to rethink those feelings of unworthiness. A good therapist could be helpful if you're stuck on that.

The BEST BEST BEST book either my partner or I have ever read about all of this is Come As You Are . Get it. Read it. Make your partner read it.

It will change your sex life. We recommend it to everyone. (And it covers arousal, which is why it’s relevant here).

>how was your day?

Is there a way you could get a connection by talking about something else? Like maybe planning the upcoming weekend, or joint hobbies/projects, or books/movies/YouTube videos/dupes on /r/funny, or the weather, or ants, ants with lasers, etc.? What kind of job does he have?
Astronaut? Or a normal job? 'Cause I don't want to talk about my day at work. It is boring and stupid and I only do it for the money. It is bad enough that I had to live it, and I have no desire to rehash it. Especially cause I don't want to be complaining about it day after day after day after day. Do you like to read books (or audio books)? I'd recommend the 5 Love Languages, and How to Win Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there is something that he could talk about, that would meet your needs for connection. But maybe it is not about his day.

Edit: ...and now reading down thread further, I see you've read the 5 Love Languages book. How about the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus book? Sorry for your troubles, hope it gets better.

Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.

Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?

You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.

Date her. Every day.

Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).

Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.

Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.

A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.

And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.

It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.

Both. Wife was feeling like sex was becoming more of a chore. I was feeling like we weren’t connecting as much sexually or otherwise.

We read “the sex starved marriage
We also read come as you are

Both of these lead to us become more connected and open to trying kinks. My biggest kink was more anal play for both of us. She is now receptive to anal once or twice a week instead 5-6 times a year.....and anal play for me a few times a month.

We have many toys and we need to pair some down. We’ve started to do some bdsm (cuffs and floggers and paddles) she really loves to smack my cock and balls around a lot.....it really turns her on. So, she is finding her dom side, and so am I. We switch....

We are now having more sex than we’ve ever had.

I also keep a sex journal and we read back over that occasionally to remind us how sexy we are...

We both are over weight and we are actively losing weight. I’ve lost 60 lbs since February and she’s lost about 35. We both want to be as healthy and happy as we can and that involves sex!

It shouldn’t all be on you, he needs to be an active participant as well. I only provide suggestions for you because you can control your own actions.

I’m currently reading Come As You Are. It’s pretty popular lately, and might be an interesting read for you both.

Hmm, sounds like a sex therapist could be helpful. Or this book! Highly recommend you and your wife read this together. Frankly, if a quicky can't cut it I'm not sure how logistically you can find the time for daily sex of that sort face-face PIV. I'd be happy having sex 2x a week with my wife.


\>https://www.amazon.ca/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

While you are waiting for the therapist, perhaps the book Come As You Are could help her feel more at ease with her own sexuality.

It's too soon to jump to the conclusion that you are technically inept. If she does not know how her own body works, there is no way for her to guide you to being the partner she needs. Support and encourage her while she figures herself out, and hopefully she will get to a place where she can tell, and show, you what she needs.

If she's sensitive like me, she'll love this slim bullet. It's waterproof so you can use it in the shower too. The only downside is that it's cheap, and will break if she uses it as often as I did (3+ times a day, sometimes 10+ times/day). It uses AA batteries and is AMAZING if you're sensitive down there.

be CAREFUL not to buy a vibrator that's too intense for her. I tried many vibrators and they nearly demolished my fragile flower. The link to the vibrator is below. I'd order like 3 at a time. For me, they had to be replaced about once a year, sometimes twice, but then again, I'm a power user, lol.

​

https://www.amazon.com/Pipedream-Waterproof-Silver-Bullet-Slim/dp/B00163D86I

A couple of ideas--

-- Hang around SO30 and read about sex. Invite your husband to join you, and start by showing him your post. But continue to read here together, point out threads or comments to each other that you find interesting or that spark ideas.

-- "Fake it til you make it" is a real thing. Even if you don't feel sexy at first, go ahead and act like you do. I would bet money (and I don't have any) that your husband's reaction will quickly make you feel really sexy.

And a couple of books that are very popular around here:

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel

InteVision Foam Bed Wedge Pillow (25" x 24" x 12") - 2" Memory Foam Top Layer with Firm Base Foam and a High Quality Removable Cover - Helps Provide Relief from Acid Reflux, Snoring, Post Surgery https://www.amazon.com/dp/B009HHLBKK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_QAn-BbRM91F93

We’ve had this one for almost two years and highly recommend it.

Also: Emily Nagoski - Come As you Are - https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090?

Best book out there on the current science of sexual desire.

It might take longer than you think and it may happen outside of sex, especially if she currently is not willing to masturbate. If she doesn't know what does it for her, she can't tell you. And observing her reactions during sex can give false results and add stress.

What exercise does she do? What does she like to read? How does she talk about her body, either sexually or self image? In what ways does she take care of her body? Is she on any medication that could lead to decreased arousal or interest as a side effect? What does she think of her not coming?

I don't think this can be solved with technique or anything you do or don't do. Sex and arousal for some women starts in the mind. It's also quite possible to become aroused without touch: yoga, massage, reading (not necessarily porn), running and other exercise (especially done to music). Even the simple act of meditation, sitting and breathing, can do it. Its something for the two of you to do together, and creates closeness on so many energy levels. Even taking a walk, or doing brisk exercise together (being out in nature did it for me.) Does she like to dance? That can be very sensual and body affirming.

I guess I'm saying that for your wife to become sexual, the path is to become sensual. Occasionally there are shortcuts, but if she's not curious about coming, or forbids herself from feeling things or masturbating, there may not be.

I don't think I had my first orgasm until 22 or 23. It wasn't with a vibrator or a partner. It was due to my need, curiosity, sense of adventure, willingness to fantasize about what turned me on and my willingness to fail, over and over. I did not have an orgasm through PIV until my mid-thirties. Many women never do.

Heres another book recommendation: Come As You Are.

This could have been me writing this about 2 years ago. I had the same experience with my wife. She never complained about my methods, but always preferred “me” over me going down. For starters I read “She Comes First” by Ian Kerner. I will warn you it is heavy on anatomy, but that is what made the big difference for me and I believe it could be for you too. It is a calculated approach to cunnilingus. This is, at times, is not as fun for me... But the payoff is her cumming from me going down on her. It has some strange methods. One that involves using your gums with heavy pressure over the clitoral hood. I feel like I look like Fire Marshall Bill doing it but it works. I still attempt to “wing it” some nights because that is fun... But that usually gets the “I want you” response. At the end of the book it has different approaches using the various methods and they are very effective. It also covers g-spot vs clitoral orgasms etc. And I found out she brags about it at work.

tl;dr

I read a book and now I can get my wife off easily by going down on her. Every man should consider reading it.


Edit: Formatting

You might want to pick up Tristan Taromino's book https://www.amazon.com/Ultimate-Guide-Anal-Sex-Women/dp/1573442216

I think she has instructional DVD's too.

And I'm glad he was into the idea, sounds like you might have found his sex drive again right there!

Standard Responses:

1. Look up "Responsive Desire" v.s. "Spontaneous Desire".
   
2. Read the book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
   
3. There's a book out there about "Love Languages", but I can't remember what it is.

The way we view libido is very odd, and for women, it's usually based in using the male libido as our baseline.

This is a good view of women's libido and sexual response. I love this book so much: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein

She Comes First by Ian Kermer

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel

Come as you are by Emily Nagoski

The only book on my shelf not yet mentioned is Mating in Captivity. (and of course the joy of sex).

Step 1 in solving any relationship problem, they have to care. They have to want to solve the problem. Nothing you throw at them, make them read, beg, plead, bargain, cajole, trick them.. wont stick if they just dont feel like changing because they have no need to change, you're never gonna leave right?

Anyway, Come as you are and She comes first both with ridiculous fruit on the cover, if he actually wants to pleasure you.

Let me suggest this amazing book that talks about just this issue. Emily Negowski wrote this book to women for women. Emily also wrote a follow up to this book. Breaking the stress cycle or something. It also comes in audiobook. Please check it out. This information is so key for us men to understand. I had so many issues with the “breaks” in my last marriage that it just drove us a part. If we have language around these things then we can communicate better on how to overcome it.

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Y9jWCbNY987XP

Also, female sexual boredom is a real thing! Dr. Wednesday Martin talks about this a lot!

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/women-get-bored-sex-long-term-relationships/582736/

Sounds like you need to read this: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1549015785&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=come+as+you+are&dpPl=1&dpID=51rED9IapzL&ref=plSrch

Have you tried something like a wedge? You could possibly lie on it face down for doggy without having to support yourself or arch your back.

"She Comes First" by Ian Kerner. Absolutely!!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060538260/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdb_t1_izw.AbFYED7G5

Check out ‘Mating in Captivity’ by Esther Perel

Basic reference materials; https://www.amazon.com/Joy-Sex-Ultimate-Revised/dp/0307587789/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=joy+of+sex&qid=1556333698&s=books&sr=1-1

Use this as a "laboratory manual", and work through every position.

I second the book recommendation.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

You wouldn't believe it, but they are almost an impulse purchase in the Internet age.

http://www.amazon.com/Portable-featured-economical-available-anywhere/dp/B00K0OW60I/ref=sr_1_4_s_it?s=beauty&ie=UTF8&qid=1465257985&sr=1-4&keywords=massage+table