Best products from r/shittyadvice

Immediately cover the bite in hand sanitiser and repeat every 10 to 15 minutes. It probably won't work but if you do live (IF) it will make a great BBQ story with friends. Use this one for best story results: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B004CPQBRA?pc_redir=1396707965&robot_redir=1

Considering the area of your average door is 1.652 square meters you need to convert $58.30 to pennies (USA currency only) to guarantee that you will have enough for what you plan to do. Then spend $20.95 on 5 of these plus we will figure another $5 for shipping. Your next step is to glue all of the pennies onto your favorite door, be it yours or the person of interest who you feel deserves to have a fantastic Christmas. The remaining $265.75 should be stored under your mattress, the only place where money should ever be kept.

Your most important job as a parent is to instill morals & values in your child. All the morals and values that a child needs to be successful in life can be found in this book.

Rules for being 100% Badass Motorcycle Rider:

1. Helmets are for sissies.
   
   
2. Get a denim jacket and cut the sleeves off and put a big patch of your favorite band on the back. Like Justin Beiber or Hanson. (Bikers love Bieber)
   
   
3. Grow a beard if you cannot do so one of these will help add to your credibility as a bad ass biker.
   
   
4. Get tattoo's if you're scared of needles like I am use these nothing quite says I am a rebel who doesn't give a fuck like getting sweet ink.
   
   
5. Oh leather chaps you can find them here that color is the 'in' color for bikers.
   
   
6. Hang out here or here
   
   
7. Oh speed limits and motor vehicle laws do not apply to motorcycles they only apply to cars and trucks. Go as fast as you want and ignore stop signs and lights.
   
   

Read this book.

I smoked for 15 years and quit 3 years ago. My father-in-law smoked for 30 years and went from smoking 3 packs on Monday to ZERO cigarettes on Tuesday. This was 5 years ago, he is still a non-smoker.

I know 6 people who have read the entire book and all 6 are non smokers. I have never met anyone who has finished the book and still smokes. It is literally a 100% success rate.

When you are ready, this is how you will quit.

EDIT: So I just realized this is for r/shittyadvice. I thought it was a serious question. Oh well, I'll just leave it here, maybe it will help someone anyways.

This will definetly help you to achieve your goal. Have fun, stay safe!

in snoop's autobiography he says

1. he was called snoop basically from birth. so i think we can safely assume he was born a dogg
   
   
2. he smoked weed for the first time when he was 12 years old
   
   
3. he smoked about an ounce a day once he hit his stride
   
   Snoop turned 40 in October and turned into a lion in what? like June? to compensate for the fact that he def didn't start at an ounce a day, I'm gonna say he started smoking an ounce a day when he was 16. So that's 24 years and 8 months at an ounce a day. So that's about 563 pounds.
   
   So I'm gonna say, assuming that the effect is cumulative, you should force your dog to smoke about 570 pounds of weed, just to be safe, to turn him into a lion.

A perfect way to convince people that you are white is to assume that if you aren't white, you must be black and ignore the other options. But let's stick to the question at hand: how to be black? The answer might surprise you

Oooh the restraining order. That's the type of stuff she's into, I get it. ;) Go to her home and slit your wrist, and use the blood to create pentagrams and various satan symbols and versus from The Satanic Bible all over the walls and floor of the house. Then grab a virgin lamb and stick it exactly 24 times and take its blood and lather it all over your body. When she arrives grab a nearby wine bottle and beat it over her head until conscious. Drag her body to the blood pentagram you previously drew with your blood and gently write a "666" on the base of her forehead. Fuck her body furiously and ejaculate inside of her, and make sure every last drop of your semen is inside her. Once complete, strap her down to the floor with chains connected to the ground and through her wrists and arms. When she awakens, tell her everything you have done to show her your affection. Then cover her in gasoline and light a match. Place the lit match carefully between her breasts and gently stick your penis in her vagina while rubbing the gasoline on her body. When the gasoline lights, continue to duck her gently, and burn together.

I've always had great success with this.

You know, that say you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar but that's simply not true. You catch way more flies with shit or rancid meat.

Did you ever happen to read the worlds most awful rock and roll novel entitled 'Fuel Injected Dreams'? I bring it up only because the bad guy, a Phil Spector type (and yes, this was years before the recent unpleasantness) had his childhood sweetheart preserved taxidermically with a groin pouch which he stuffed with fresh raw liver and had his way with to recreate the magic of their love. Fucking awesome book.

Buy a book on how to get rich the easy way. Totally works.

This is a good start, but if you really want to bring the right tools to the job then I can only recommend this!

Though, not Shitty Advice, this will be the best $8 you ever spent.

http://www.amazon.com/JMK-00210-MOSQUITO-RACKET-ZAPPER/dp/B0029IBNTS

If you want the best, then this is what you want: http://www.amazon.com/Diamond-Digital-Audio-Ethernet-Connection/dp/B003CT2A6I/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

They actually have books to look up this kind of stuff. This is the best one:

What's the Number for 911?: America's Wackiest 911 Calls

Fun for the whole family www.amazon.com/Clone-A-Pussy-Molding-Kit/dp/B001HODC9Y

Do they inspect your butthole thouroughly beforehand? If you're willing to tip the scales to your advantage, I recomend getting Sheep intestine sausage casing. It has a low crossectional area so for the same volume, you'll get a longer...extrusion.

You should keep these refrigerated until the day of the competition otherwise they will spoil. To soften them a bit you should soak them in warm (not hot/boling) water. You should then take a sharpie and put the casings on it such that you make a scrunched tube. Once you've done this, stick it all up into your butthole and leave it there, sharpie included. The idea is to have something rigid to prevent you from collapsing the tube with an errant squeeze.

Just before the competition, pull out the sharpie. As the first bit of poo comes out, squeeze and twist the tip of the casing. The poo should fill the space and the backpresure will force everything out.

Now finishing is going to be the trickiest part. If you have excess casing your deception will be easily recognized and you will be disqualified. Unless you have a small razor in hand and are able to cut the casing when you're done, I recommend you eat the same food each day and at the same time until your competition. Practice with casing so that you can precisely know how long of a shit you can expect. When it comes time to perform, have only the amount of intestine you need in your butthole.

Good luck sir, I hope to see you in the news someday soon!

All the popular kids are buying this.

Make sure you blast your MIDIs through a high quality HDMI cable like this or this. Otherwise, they will just sound like shit and you also don't want people to think you're poor.