Best products from r/socialskills
We found 104 comments on r/socialskills discussing the most recommended products. We ran sentiment analysis on each of these comments to determine how redditors feel about different products. We found 203 products and ranked them based on the amount of positive reactions they received. Here are the top 20.
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2. No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life
- Running Press Book Publishers
- Ideal for a bookworm
- It's a great choice for a book person
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3. Communications Crash Course: 11 Strategic Conversation Frameworks for Everyday Scenarios to Enhance Your Conversations and Confidence (Communication Skills 101)
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4. Practicing the Power of Now: Essential Teachings, Meditations, and Exercises From The Power of Now
- Classic The Sims 2 Gameplay—Create unique Sims with personalities and life goals. Fulfill their dreams and build their ultimate home as you design their world
- The Sims 2 Nightlife Expansion Pack—Send your Sims on an epic night out. Hit the downtown hot spots, play the dating game with your Sims, and live the Pleasure Life Aspiration
- The Sims 2 Celebration Stuff Pack-Host the social event of the season. Must-have stuff to throw the ultimate weddings, birthday parties, and fiestas for your Sims
- Get expert tips and tricks from the Bonus 101 Video. The game’s designers share their best tricks and strategies. Learn how to create Sims and build and design their homes
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5. The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
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6. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
- How to Talk to Anyone
- 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships
- First Edition
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8. How to not commit suicide
- Very Useful 3D Printer Part and Accessories, extend your nozzle's and hot-end's useful life.
- The anti-static filament cleaner wipes lint, dust, or other dirt before the filament enters your printer's valuable extruder and nozzle.
- It can be used with Direct-Drive and Bowdn Extruders, dust, hair, small plastic, or other material shavings are wiped off the surface of the filament, extend your nozzle's and hot-end's useful life.
- Special Design: The filament cleaner blocks are made from crack resistant rubber foam material. It conveniently slips over standard 1.75mm diameter ABS, PLA or other 3D printing filaments.
- What you get? 3Pcs filament filters with 3Pcs pre-foam.
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10. Self Esteem: Getting rid of Stress and Anxiety by Gaining a High Amount of Confidence (Fear, Self Awareness, Self Doubt, Improvement, Development)
- ENHANCED RETENTION AND CONTROL: Deploy your flashlight faster and maintain control even when performing critical tasks including weapons deployment, self-defense, rescue, climbing, backpacking, trail running, and maintenance. Designed originally for tactical users, the SwitchBack flashlight ring has become the premier flashlight accessory for military, police, and adventurers worldwide.
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11. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life
- HARPER ONE
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13. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking
- Broadway Books
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16. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition
- Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion
- Must read book
- It is made up of premium quality material.
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17. The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism
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18. What Every Body Is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent's Guide to Speed-Reading People
- Product Condition: No Defects
- Good one for reading
- Comes with Proper Binding
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19. The Definitive Book of Body Language: The Hidden Meaning Behind People's Gestures and Expressions
- Used Book in Good Condition
Step one: get out of the house. Think of the places you can be more relaxed, and people won’t feel “successful”: bus stop is good. People can look human there. Try to have actual encounters, and not social media. A cafeteria might be more difficult. People may see it like social life there. Trying to look cool; success. In social life, there is success and failure. You care how others see you. Don’t be pushy though. If you scare them, look step four. Just look at people[i]. Don’t need to talk. Smile a bit, so it’s not creepy (though creepy actually means romantic, observe the world, think more than talking or doing: romanticism has nothing to do with “couples”; it’s a situation about yourself). Maybe slightly wave. If you have any, offer them a cookie! Or start singing a song.
You don’t need a reason to go out; to be justified; in order to do something specific. Just go out for nothing: walk, sit in places, see, get used to the world; maybe act busy at times; so, you don’t seem that weird!
Step two: be truthful, sentimental, and honest. Don’t care if you can be harmed. What really keeps you from having friends is that you reject it. Maybe you are waiting for these perfect, “successful”, friends; but it’s all people. If you think people you know aren't good enough, and you are waiting for someone better: it's not them, but you. After one moment you could simply see them as good enough, interesting. Waiting for someone better to attach is success: you think the “common” will take advantage of the randomness of your interaction (even just in their head, not actually do something to get success of their own). Discard your sociality, idea of success. If you don’t feel you can be betrayed, nothing can betray you: it’s a signification; your signification.
Step three: think as them. Those you meet. Think that maybe they too want someone to come to them and say “do you want to be better-than-friends with me[ii]?”. That’s what you’d love too. Someone (interesting) to come to you. It will most likely never happen; but you can do it for someone else. And the result will be the same: two people will have someone new in their lives. It helps if you have (romantically) thought of situations, conversations. Maybe you remember some stuff from what you say when you think of others (see Whom to think). Or from a movie. Something that sounds interesting. Even if you look silly, that could interest them.
Step four: ok, maybe it’ll be a bit weird to suddenly tell someone “do you want to be…?”. Just talk to people, propose stuff. They’ll find it weird, as you’re a complete stranger, but remember to think “what if I were them?”. Which would be the reason to respond like that? Most likely sentimental defense, which means they need you. That kind of thinking could make it easier (or possible at last) to make the first move. The other explanation would be they think you’re dangerous, which is also optimistic: they think you are one of the dangerous people on this planet, while you know you are not. So, this planet is less scary for you. One less dangerous: maybe there aren’t any (See How to murder…, Sessions…, About abuse). If you convince them you are sensitive, it will get more optimistic for them too. Don’t need to be pushy. Don’t need to make friends with everyone you approach. Just seem human; if you can! Maybe you should seem deliberately needy as well. Ask as favors, to participate in some activity. Pushy in a kawaii way. Remember to try to be more sensitive, and not that loud. Though, it’s not bad, maybe in some examples of exceedance. It could release others too. Feel more free.
And then, you are out, and just see people pass by you. It happens so fast. How can you talk to them? No time. It’s not easy to start. But be there. Get used to it. At some point, you’ll have a good chance (feel like you have a good chance: it’s you; chances are the same). Someone who looks (or somehow feels) more approachable[iii]. If you find the first (maybe a weak one!), then they can help you to approach more.
You can say the first words. Maybe even something deliberately silly. Or from a movie. From something you really like, so you feel justified to say it. Even if (you think) others found it stupid, you were still justified to say it. You don’t doubt it, as it’s too cool (for you). This (feeling of justification) doesn’t make much sense, but sentiments don’t: it will just help you actually do something.
Step five: after you interact with some people, are around them on occasions, make a lot of eye contact. Show your sensitivity/ vulnerability (“so all people are like this?”). Ask them for a hug. Build trust. Talk without thinking of it. Just be there. Think of your “world” with them. And if they hurt you —or you hurt them—, this is a great opportunity to de-demonize villainy. Talk about it. Choose to trust the same person again. Eventually, have many deep people in your life. Each new one, makes life more interesting. But find time to connect with all of them. Not just quantity; deepness too. Just look them in the eyes for a while; or touch; no talking; connect deeper. Just ask: “I want to do something with you. What interests you at the time?” And one request: I guess you can watch movies with other people, but please don’t talk at all until the end. If the movie is not terrible, it’ll be easy. Try to trust, connect with the movie, and not be judgmental from the start. Just like with humans.
“Say after me: ‘it’s no better to be safe than sorry’ ”.
Step six: multiply. And make it easier for others, who are just starting the process, or haven’t been that successful. Remember to trust and re-trust, in case they harm you. It’s most likely out of defense or their own sensitivity. In any case, I assure you they’re humans, hence, can’t hurt you.
I used to be terrible with women. Constantly friendzoned. Got cheated on by a girlfriend that I had no idea how I got.
Then I found some "pickup" stuff online that got me lucky two times in a row following a script... and then nothing. So I studied more online stuff. I was going to be the best pickup artist ever, I was going to show them all! I'd approach women to impress my friends. Got a stripper to go out for coffee(ended badly, I was totally over my head). All sorts of showy stuff.
Luckily I found some charisma based pickup stuff that was essentially just presenting yourself in the correct manner, and not be afraid to escalate sexually.
One of the techniques was a type of disqualification where if anybody said anything negative you agree and amplify. And if they say something positive, be genuinely thankful, but say something a bit humbling to keep yourself human.
Disqualification was great for my interactions with others, but weirdly, it was the best thing for me. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. I started not to place too much importance in what others thought of me. Not in a narcissistic way, but in a freeing way. I came to realize that I didn't need to impress anybody by showing off or becoming a pickup superstar. I became decent at dating and could spend my energy in other areas of my life.
The reason I'm telling you this is because "pickup" advice can help you, but you need to be careful. As Grayflcn said, becareful over in Seddit. There are some genuine people there, but there are also some people trying to impress people with BS, or show offy, creepy things. Try to keep your filters set appropriately.
I've been in a relationship for a while, but trying to help some friends I've found some things I think are good resources in this area coming from the right place...
That said... if you've already got women you're dating maybe the only thing wrong is you're not escalating. Letting them know you find them attractive in a man to woman manner. This may seem like a huge hurdle, I was terrified of this. Yet, doing it a few times, it became something I did without thinking because it totally improved my relations with females.
It's 3 steps.
Figure out what you find sexy about her. Something about her personality is better than something physical.
Use the word sexy to tell her you think that thing is sexy . There's no ambiguity. She knows what you mean when you use that word.
Don't wait for a reaction, start talking about something else. It will ferment in there and not waiting for an answer shows you're not hanging on her approval.
Example: I like women that make me laugh... she says something funny.
"Hey, you're funny, I think funny women are sexy. (A half beat pause so it's not rushed then) So, anyway, tell me more about that Japanese restaurant... "
It seems like a small thing but it made a total difference in my male/female relations.
I'm typing this on mobile, but I remember the pain of feeling helpless with women. I hope some of this helps a bit, Bud.
*Edit fixing the book link that didn't work.
** Edit2 I'm not sure this is worthy of it, but thank you to whoever gifted me the gold.
Since I don't know the extent of your Autism, I will write as if I'm speaking to a person that is just very inexperienced with dating.
It definitely is different from case to case.
Some people experience it like this though:
If they agree; pull out your phone, open up a New Contact, put their name in, click the phone number field, then hand them the phone to type it in.
PROTIP: If there is a lull in the conversation, don't keep prodding them or start playing on your phone, instead have a casual conversation with someone around you (bartender, person in line near you, somebody sitting at bar). This shows you aren't a puppy dog relying on them for entertainment, are outgoing, and have confidence (an attractive trait universally).
its best to assume you aren't compatible and leave them alone. Definitely don't beg or pressure them.
At the FIRST sign of hesitation, stop entirely. Don't get butthurt or beg, just respect their wishes. You can offer them a drink or to do the activity you mentioned, then try again later. If still no, they may either have some friction (religious background, awkwardness about intimacy, principles against first-date hookups) or something went wrong and they think you're a friend/is using you for something. Nothing I've written here is a hard rule, simply my experience. This may not be the case for everybody, especially if there is mental disorder involved.
Sometimes it ends because it just isn't adding anything exciting to their life (compatibility comes down to being able to tolerate eachother for an extended period of time). Sometimes they will go on until death, often not.
Also, a book I cannot suggest enough is Mark Manson - Models
This book probably gave me more applicable advice about dating than any other source period. It is one of the most useful materials for self-improvement. Possibly the best dating advice to ever exist.
Yeah I would just ignore these guys.
The way I would look at this is you have two choices. Option 1 is to learn to live with the situation (maybe just temporarily), option 2 is to work on it.
For Option 1 I would recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (try reading Feeling Good). CBT is a good way to help align how you think with what you logically believe. Like MackNoir said, there really isn't a good reason to give a shit about what other people think, but the techniques in that book can help you actually think that way.
Also I would try meditation (see /r/meditation and Mindfulness in Plain English, a free book). Meditation is a great way to help you stay grounded and focused on the present (which includes not worrying about issues like you're talking about here).
For Option 2 you really just have to make an effort. If you want to feel like you're contributing to people's lives, invite them to things, offer to help people when the opportunity comes up, and volunteer. To make conversation easier, do things like read the news, learn about things that interest you, try a lot of different things and pick up hobbies. Also remember FORDEN for easy topics (Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams, Environment i.e. your surroundings, and News). Those things along with being a good listener, conversation threading (google it), and practice should make conversation easy.
But obviously some of those things require some time. Like Jing-Jack said college will be different and you should have a lot more control over what you do with your time then (assuming you move out).
A lot of books can offer valid practical advice, but AFAIK, there is no one compendium that you have to read. The best thing you can do is develop a mindset consisting of your values regarding interpersonal interaction. Social skills are 80% mindset and 20% taking a plunge and a willingness to try.
Apart from the books I suggested in the other thread, I can only advise you to branch out:
Nudge the girl. Make eye contact with a smile. Talk. Tease. Touch. Most importantly: practice.
How to Hold Conversation Like A Man
Body Language - Indicators of Interest
Eye Contact, Tonality and Story Telling, Body Language and Gesticulation Three great short videos.
Becoming the Gorilla
Two videos I haven't watched yet, but come highly recommended:
Rapid (Physical) Escalation Edit: I just finished watching this one. It started off badly and the title makes you think it'll be cheesy, but it's really good. I'd put it above Becoming the Gorilla, but below the three-video page.
The Fundamentals of Direct Game Edit: The presenter starts off super sleazy. Slowly he eases into douche. His advice seems solid and after about ten minutes he acts like a normal friendly guy. I love his "you're only competing against 3% of guys" section. That really boosted my confidence. It's at the 13:16 mark.
How to Win Friends and Influence People and The Charisma Myth are great books.
Honest Signalz This guy has a silver tongue. Watching him is more entertaining than helpful.
Check out /r/Seduction. It's not all cheesy lines. There is solid advice there.
I've walked through the valley that you're walking right now many times and I hopefully this discussion and examination of what confidence is can help you.
I think it's really common to think "I'm ugly, not smart, neurotic..." therefore I'm not confident or worth anything. ("If only I was better looking or was nicer, then I'd have it"). I went through a long period of reflection and self-improvement. I went to the gym, I improved myself in many fields, I improved my looks, and sometimes it did help temporarily, but at the end of the day I still felt the same. Honestly sometimes it made it worse because I felt the same despite the "positive change" I made in my life. So then I started to really examine things, "Will doing X, Y, Z really give me confidence? What about it will make me finally feel secure and have that self-worth?" and "What is confidence".
I think society tends to push this belief that confidence derives from external values and factors "Be good looking, be rich, be skilled, etc.", however in reality this makes your confidence hollow and transient. On the other-hand Confidence derived from internal factors can become unshakable. Confidence is the simple belief in the inherent value of the self, and being confident is understanding that you'll bring yourself forward through the inevitable failure and hardship. It's distinctly different from arrogance, which is the belief you'll succeed (or even worse deserve to succeed) regardless of everything. You can identify a confident person by someone who can genuinely laugh about their own mistakes/fuck-ups.
You don't lack confidence because you have these negative qualities, you see these negative qualities in yourself because you lack confidence. There are people who are have these negative qualities but still have a core confidence about them.
So then where does that leave you? How do you become confident?
Some people are lucky in that they've lived a life of enough positive experience and reinforcement that they have instilled in them the sense of core confidence.
However if you don't have this then you have to "brainwash" yourself into believing it. This isn't easy and it's not quick and unfortunately at the very base level it comes down to "just do it" level of advice. You have inherent value simply because you exist, that's your mantra. Simply by existing, you have value. Not value to other people, not to society, but to yourself, and value to yourself is what matters in the end. Repeatedly tell yourself this, meditate on it. It will feel hollow, and it will feel like lies at times, but you have to ignore that voice in your head and force yourself to believe. When you feel yourself slipping down back into that ravine, catch yourself and think "Ok, I know this path and I'm not going to go down it".
Also, why do you assume that voice telling you all that negative shit correct in the first place? Why are you so confident that you're right about all that negative stuff about yourself? Have humility and think "maybe that voice is just wrong?". Learn to separate yourself and that voice, learn to catch those thoughts and think "there's that voice again, thanks for the criticism but it might be wrong". That's what meditation is for, to give you agency is controlling where your thoughts go. Meditation is nice, but you have to apply the tools you get by training it.
You have to make the decision to become confident, and that means not allowing yourself to wollow in these negative thoughts. The thoughts can be comforting in a parasitic way, they become a part of the identity and then become a way of validating the self, feeding upon itself. This won't be fast, this won't be easy, and this won't be a linear improvement. You'll slip down and fall back into old ruts, but keep pressing forward. It's like in meditation, your thoughts will slip to random trains of thought, but the goal isn't about maintaining focus the entire time but more-so the goal is to catch yourself and bring your focus back to center. Each time you bring yourself back from slipping, you place a block underneath you, and slowly you build that sturdy foundation that is confidence.
Practicing the Power of Now (Ignore the overtly spiritual aspects)
Love yourself like your life depends on it.
So I literally just came back from a blind, first date with a girl. Knowing nothing about each other, we were able to talk for about three hours. A common bit of advice is to ask open-ended questions to them. People usually like to talk about themselves, and if you show interest in learning more about them, they'll typically respond positively to that.
Sometimes you run out of questions in the normal flow of conversation (Are you in school? What are you studying? Why do you like that subject?--maybe you're out of questions at this point). It's ok to let things pause for a moment. A moment of silence is ok. Sometimes I'll let my eyes wander to see if anything catches my eye as something to talk about. If not, it's ok to just start a new topic altogether after a few moments have passed. "What are your favorite TV shows?" Something like that's an easy question to start from.
Something else I've learned to do is speak up myself. Although it's nice (and helpful for us who are shy) to let somebody else talk, it can be tiring for one person to do all the talking. It's ok and usually welcome to interject with your own stories. It keeps things moving and lets them get to know you better too. "My favorite shows are New Girl and Parks & Rec." -- "No kidding? I haven't seen Parks & Rec, but I hear it's a lot like the Office, which is one of my favorites. I was just watching it over the weekend, and I realized that my coworker is just like Dwight". You're building off of what they're saying by sharing some stories of your own. This keeps the conversation flowing naturally, let's them get to know you too, and increases the chances of them being able to piggyback off what you say. Obviously, you don't want to be rude in interrupting them, but occasionally it's ok to interject. If you mention something that they don't respond to "Oh, I thought the Office was terrible. [silence]", then just go back to the previous subject. "Ha, yeah, the dry humor isn't for everyone. What do you like about Parks & Rec?"
Being a good conversationalist takes practice, and I'm sure others have lots of good advice to help with it. For me, the biggest thing is staying mentally present. Keeping aware of my surroundings, not zoning out, relaxing my mind, avoiding getting caught up thinking about other things...that's the key for me to stay focused and engaged.
There's a book called "The Power of Now" that has helped me, even in my mid-twenties, really improve. There's a bunch of New Age stuff in there that I don't care for, but if you look past that to the underlying ideas of staying mentally in-the-present, it's got some really helpful advice. If you find yourself getting nervous during conversations, it'd be worth picking up from the library.
Good luck, and don't panic!
Here's some advice from someone who is almost twice your age:
Don't worry about it. Sex is great, and fun and all those things, but focusing on trying to get laid is just going to come across as desperate. You're not running out of time, and It's not "harder" after college. Relax.
Focus on you. Focus on your hobbies and interests. Read a book,
Become the best version of yourself and the rest will work itself out. I promise.
Edit: I just read your post history because I wanted to ty and dig into the heart of the problem you are having. Your posts reveal a lot about your personality, and I think that some of the communities that you are hanging out in are giving you bad advice for how to solve your problem. I also think that your problem has more to do with you than it does with other people. I know that may upset you, but it's important that someone be honest with you instead of trying to give you strategies that don't address the root problem.
I mean this with the utmost respect, what exactly is it that you bring to the table here? Seriously, and "I'm loyal" or "I respect women" does not count. Look at it this way, if you met a girl with the same physical traits and emotional baggage that you have, along with the low GPA (demonstrates someone that probably isn't applying themselves), what would you think? Would you want to sleep with that person? Would you want to be friends with that person, or would you see that person as bad news?
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "this stuff isn't my fault." That may be true, but if you want to fix this problem, then even if this stuff isn't your fault, you need to make it your responsibility. I'm certain that if you're dealing with mental health issues, that there are resources at your school that can help you with them. I'm also certain that if your GPA is suffering, then your focus at school sucks, and you need to work with your academic advisors to come up with a plan to fix it. Finally, I'm certain that you can fix all of this stuff if you try.
So, what should you do to get laid before your last semester of college?
Take responsibility for your issues. Fix your shit. Be a man. Ask for help from people who can help you rather than strangers on the internet. Once you fix you, I'm confident that you won't have so much trouble with the ladies.
There is no aphrodisiac in the world like a person who is confident in themselves and successful at navigating the challenges of their life without expecting others to fix them.
Hey man – it's all good. Small talk is not something I was ever comfortable with as an introvert, but if you put in a little time, it gets easier :)
I think people don't like small talk because they don't know the next thing to say. However, small talk is actually what leads to other conversation. There is some observational stuff you might mention, but waiting until something "witty" or slick comes along generally leaves a lot of good opportunity on the table.
People can't see the future, so trying to figure out the next thing to say is a very unrealistic expectation to place on yourself – and it probably makes the notion of starting a conversation even less enjoyable. (Also, I am an INTJ – naturally I want to have all my ducks in a row before I execute. Unfortunately, with conversation, that is impossible).
Rather than asking, "what should I say next" start asking, "what do I hear now." Funny enough, with a little bit of prodding, people will actually hand you everything you need to say on a silver plate (given they have some conversational skills as well).
If you want, I actually wrote a book on this subject (and it's only $0.99 until the 15th!)
Check out SCF I (this one goes more in depth as to what I described above), IV, V, and VIII (these ones go into how to get past small talk in various ways) and I think they could really help out with taking the conversation past small talk.
Also, belch has a great point
"But understand that in some cases people aren't always in the mood to talk and not to take it personally."
If that's the case, no worries. You just got a bit of extra practice under your belt in starting conversations is all :)
I think you'll learn how to navigate small talk with time and practice, friend! When you do, I'd love to hear about it!
This is good advice, but I don't think it's a very in-depth description. It's kind of like when someone asks for dating advice and people say "just be yourself!" Yeah, that's sort of right, but it doesn't tell you how.
Again, yours, and all the others' suggestions are great, but there is so much that goes in to cultivating a positive vibe, or rather, a charismatic vibe.
There are 3 Charismatic behaviors:
To be able create these behaviors, you have to be in charismatic mental states. A lot of things effect your ability to create these charismatic mental states, and you have to know how to manage certain challenges that come up that can throw you out of your charismatic mental state.
There are also different charismatic styles and you need to find yours.
You have to learn how to speak and listen with charisma, and you also have to have charismatic body language.
Any way, theres a book called The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane. The book covers the stuff I mentioned above. This will cover ALL the stuff you need to give off charismatic (or positive) vibes
What are you interests? [Meetups] (http://www.meetup.com/), are a good way to start making friends.
Getting a girlfriend isn't as hard as it seems. It really boils down to your confidence level, but it's also a numbers game. (ie; the more girls you talk to, the higher your chances are) Check out /r/seduction and read the sidebar and top posts. Also, read [Models by Mark Manson] (http://markmanson.net/books/models) and [the Sex God Method] (http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Method-2nd-Edition/dp/0557036488). Another book is [Unshakable Swagger] (http://www.unshakableswagger.com/), I just bought it, but I haven't read it yet. I heard good things though.
Also read [Practicing the Power of Now] (http://www.amazon.com/Practicing-Power-Now-Essential-Meditations/dp/1577311957). It's a book on mediation and it'll help you relax and be at ease. Ted talks, [RSDJulien] (https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDJulien), and [RSDTyler] (https://www.youtube.com/user/RSDTyler) are amazing sources for motivation and other self improvemnt and development.
That's pretty much it OP, have fun and get to work! PM me if you have questions.
Such great points here. I can’t emphasize enough the importance of getting some mental health support but also addressing any underlying medical issues. So many of us are deficient in important vitamins and minerals due to lack of healthy nutrition and soil depletion, other environmental factors. I echo all the comments that encourage you to work on becoming healthy in body and mind. Exercise, nutrition, counseling or even some kick ass books that help you to shift your outlook. This book is supposed to be awesome, even life changing : https://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336.
And have you ever read Perks of Being a Wallflower? Or a book that explains and normalizes introversion? This one is great: https://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352153
Depression is no joke. And we can’t answer why you feel this way. But please know that it is common, you are not alone, and it can and will get better. You are not getting dumb or disappearing. That is just the depression and once it lifts — through medication, therapy or other changes in lifestyle — you will feel better and back to yourself. You will know joy and you will have an easier time connecting with others. Promise. I speak from my personal experience. Hang in there.
You give good hints, but I personally don't think a restaurant is the place to go to if you want to find out if a girl likes you or not.
Just think about it, there is a whole table full of stuff acting as some kind of 'barrier' between you and the girl. This is "first official date" kind of stuff where you don't have to figure these things out anymore.
I'm not the biggest expert on dating myself, but it's always good to not have such a barrier, and it's also better when you can see her legs. Is she sitting relaxed or does she take defensive/nervous postures? Do her feet point to you or the door? Is one of her feet constantly wipping up and down?
I read in a book on body language, either this one or this one, the former definitely having a chapter on flirting body language, that legs and feet are our most honest parts of the body, and think about it, it makes sense. You can lie with your face (e.g. poker face), with your hands (think of a liar who shows you his palms in a 'wasn't me' kind of way), but we rarely think about what our feet do.
I think that's why café are such popular "dating" places. You don't have to sit across a table, it's a relaxed setting and the seats are very comfortable. It's cheaper than a restaurant, too. When you're in a café you can try to sit next to her, or at least at ~90°.
Having dealt with this exact thing myself and mostly overcoming it, I think I may have a helpful perspective. Part of the reason I got emotional standing up to people is exactly because I was bottling up my emotions inside literally ALL the time. I rarely asked for what I wanted. I rarely told people when I had an issue with something they did that I didn't like. I was basically Mr. Nice Guy(tm). When I actually got into a situation where I felt like confrontation was the ONLY option, the built up pressure would explode and I would tear up, resulting in the rather incongruous body and facial language you seemingly experienced.
I am happy to say that recently, this has not been nearly as much of an issue. This is because I had a few self realizations and then practiced to overcome the self limiting beliefs that were bottling me up.
What were those self limiting beliefs?
I am still working on overcoming these beliefs today, even though I have made huge strides. It's a process and it's hard work, but the payoff is worth it: Better friendships, easier time meeting and attracting the opposite sex, more comfortable work environment. It improved every area of my life.
Here was my plan of attack:
There's more to cover here that I think could be of help, but this book by Dr. Robert Glover probably has all the info you need:
This is an awesome answer. I was told the SAME thing many years ago in high school - it still motivates me to this day (almost 20 years later). Since I've been researching social skills and developing myself since then, I'll add a few points:
If you want more in-depth information about this topic, including exercises for improving, check out The Conversation Code. I know what you're going through, and I know exactly how to improve.
Sounds like you have a value problem. If you knew your true worth, you wouldn't behave like this. Like, if you were made out of pure win, everything you did won, and you always had success... how would you approach it then?
Do that and don't apologize for it. Nobody else is.
Listen to this: Jim Rohn - Learn These Skills Or Have a Mediocre Life
Read this: No More Mr. Nice Guy
Ask questions about them here if you'd like. But you need to start by realizing your intrinsic value. Sounds like somebody else (likely in childhood) convinced you different and so now here we are.
You're not asking this because you're an introvert. You're asking this because you don't feel you have real value. Also, it's likely that contributes to your introverted tendencies. The book above will really help with this.
Also, it's not anxiety you have, it's more likely that it's embarrassment. You're embarrassed that somebody else will think poorly of you. That's because you're letting them determine your worth. Get a grip on your own value and that will help you more than anything.
You're not incapable of being active, and you're not incapable of getting A+ grades.
You sound a little bit like me, it sounds like things came really easy for you in school before, and it sounds like you might be stuck in a "fixed-mindset", meaning you believe that people are who they are - you believe that you are "smart" and so you're disappointed now that you're falling behind and things aren't like they used to be. The opposite, and healthier mindset to have, is a growth-mindset. That means you believe anyone can learn any skill if they put effort into it. You can apply this to being active as well - you're literally capable of doing it, and you should believe that you are. This is a good read that may help you Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.
Everything that is worth anything takes effort, and it sounds like you're just going through a rough time at the moment. The least you can do is just try to ride it out, because things will get better and your attitude will change. Just don't do anything now that will severely hinder your future. Coast for a while, and you'll find your motivation again eventually.
In light of your words about reading up on being "in the moment," i'd like to recommend to OP (and anyone else for that matter) one book in particular that REALLY helped me with developing a "present" mindset.
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.
Not only does the writing have amazing prose and is easy to understand. But also the author puts considerable effort in helping the reader develop mental techniques and thinking exercises along the way that help to sort of "reset" you in a way, like when you are in a moment where you just can't stop thinking and don't know what to do (causing anxiety).
Like I said the book really helped me so I thought i'd recommend to all who have never read it before.
I just published an ebook about self esteem and ways to raise it! It has tips and exercises in it. Maybe it could help you in some ways.
It is FREE only for today. I'll appreciate an honest review.
All the best to you! Stay strong!!
Models by Mark Manson
A great book on learning how to improve yourself to be attractive to yourself and others. It's geared towards men of course but I would recommend to ladies as well.
Manuscript Found in Accra by
A friend let me borrow this book last week and it's incredible. This book may hold the secrets of life. So much wisdom covers the pages of this book.
I feel the need to mention this as I haven't seen anyone else say it
Models by Mark Manson is an excellent read
It's a two-fold book - it's both a male dating advice book as well as a self-improvement book. The beauty of the book is rather than taking an approach similar to The Game which is more about attraction tactics and methods, Models is all about attracting women through self improvement.
I believe is this book "How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" instead? I have read the "how to win friends and influence people" It is absolute amazing.
100% agree with you!
I was looking into a book about social skills years ago and ended up getting "How To Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie, because it seemed to be more "good-natured" and less manipulative compared to some other books (not sure if it's entirely true, just seemed that way when I was looking it up).
I'm not sure if that is what you are looking for though, it sounds like you want a book that "forcefully whips yourself into shape socially"!
In any case I never finished that book anyways because I got to a chapter where it said something like "you should care about the person you are talking to", and I realized that I in most cases don't really do even that, and got kind of discouraged. Strange thing is that I tried quickly looking through the book now, and I can't even find or remember what passage it was that I read. Should probably try reading the book again...
Edit: The link in the sidebar, "Improve Your Social Skills", looks interesting too.
If you're walking in opposite directions the general procedure would be:
If you happen to be standing in line or walking in the same direction you can try starting from 3 then 1, 2 although she might be a bit bewildered as to why you are talking to her.
From there it's pretty much just establishing rapport with the explicit goal of getting contact info so you can meet with her again when she's not so busy and if you don't get this you may never see her again. Keep in your mind of course that last bit since even if you feel that you made a fool of yourself she's likely not going to remember you past that day if you fail.
PS To get some confidence/experience talking to strangers it might be helpful to get a job or volunteer for something that makes you exercise this skill. Working at a bar/restaurant, doing external calling for political or fundraising campaigns, or just joining a public speaking organization (e.g. Toastmasters) can help here.
To act yourself, you have to stop caring of what others think of you. A good quote on this is from Eleanor Roosevelt: "You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do."
A good thing I'd recommend for you to look at are two books, "What Every BODY is Saying: An Ex-FBI Agent’s Guide to Speed-Reading People" and "The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution"". Both of these are listed in the /r/SocialSkills full list of resources. I hope they help you. Personally I've started reading the first book mentioned, and I've found it's pretty good at helping me identify different body language. That book is especially important for me - I have Aspergers, and have always had a hard time reading body language as I never naturally learned how to.
This has to do with your internal framing of failure. Many people think failure is a bad thing, so they obsess over it or avoid situations that will challenge them and that will make them feel like a failure. In the book Mindset, Carol Dweck refers to this as the 'fixed' mindset. People in this mindset tend to think that all skills and abilities are 'natural born' and that nothing can be learned or built upon, and studies have shown that people with this mindset are often less successful than their couter-parts with the 'growth' mindset.
It's a great book, and I recommend reading it if you've got the chance.
In short, we all make mistakes from time to time - specifically in social situations, or in other situations as well. If you frame every interaction and challenge as an opportunity to learn, then failure becomes becomes an exciting preliminary element to growth, and you will obsess about it much less. Don't go into the situation hoping to fail, but rather understanding that not everything is supposed to turn out how you anticipated, and what you do with the outcome can provide a great opportunity to help you.
How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships. It's basically an updated version of How To Win Friends and Influence People. Really helped me a lot.
Congratulations, you're an introvert.
Sorry if that sounded sarcastic, it's not. The most important thing you can do is accept that this is going to be a challenge for you, to some degree, probably for the rest of your life. But wait, there's hope! If you do this more often, you'll get more comfortable with it and it will be less effort.
Additionally, the better you get to know people that you force yourself to talk to, the easier it will be to talk to them. You'll also move past small talk into conversations that introverts are more comfortable with. So you could look at the initial discomfort and energy expenditure as an investment.
Knowing this about yourself is a big part of the battle - you just need to prepare for the fact that these situations are going to sap the energy out of you, and plan some time to recover on your own by doing whatever it is you like to do.
Right now I'm actually reading this. I'd recommend it for all introverts (and anyone, really). It's not a self-help book or anything, but it discusses the differences between introverts and extroverts and gets a little into how introverts can be effective at different things (work, relationships, etc).
It sounds like you could use some self-esteem. This book has great exercises for building self-esteem, and can also help you care a bit less about what other people think of you: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0380810336?cache=&amp;p4c7af82d9bad7575389e404b38c7b878i=SY200_QL40&amp;qid=1405865496&amp;sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1
Hope this helps and that everything works out for you!
Not OP but this book Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, Revised Edition was a pretty sweet read. Really made me want to go into the world more and see how much of this stuff happens to myself. Also reads pretty decently.
I cannot stand the word 'loser' when describing someone. Everyone has their own shit to deal with, no matter who you are, who your parents are, where you're born, etc. Everyone has their own problems that need to be worked on
Do what you gotta do man, and you'll make it. Do the engineering for sure
> I will have to take remedial math and I feel I may be to dumb for it.
^ 100% read this book, it will change your whole attitude for this. My personal opinion is there's no such thing as being smart or dumb, but instead how much effort you put in https://www.amazon.com/Mindset-Psychology-Carol-S-Dweck/dp/0345472322
> I have no friends either.
^ Once you start studying there will be peeps there :) whenever you do something new you meet new people. You can make friends everywhere!
Good luck man, you've got massive potential!
Yup! They are super simple and useful. If you are interested in that book, I would definitely check out this book.
So far, it is my favorite book on social etiquette!
Describing yourself as a "nice guy" is a red flag for me. What people mean when they say that often is significantly different than what I would mean when describing a legitimately kind person. You didn't go into too much detail so don't think I'm bashing you here personally, I wouldn't really know. Just think of this as general advice to step away from the "nice guy" mentality if you really have it.
I like this book a lot: https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339
First, you have to be able to set boundaries and enforce those boundaries. Not doing so is a disservice to yourself and people around you. You can do this kindly. You are just showing the people in your life how you'd like to be treated. Pay attention to who respects this and focus more of your energies on them.
It’s called “How to Talk to Anyone” Written by Leil Lowndes. Here is a link on amazon https://www.amazon.ca/How-Talk-Anyone-Success-Relationships/dp/007141858X
I just randomly grabbed it from the bookstore, and it was surprisingly helpful! I recommend just going down to your library or local bookstore to check out self help books because they actually helped me a lot. These books make you think too about how you carry yourself and make you aware of your bad habits, and how to turn them into good habits.
Hope this helps :)
Being in the work force for 10 years I can say I started out that way too. At 18 I joined the Marines and to be honest, as an introvert, its not the place to be if you're really quiet. No man's an island and if you are the type that isolates yourself then the other guys are going to try break you off real quick. I had plenty of people pick on me and vote me in for the shittiest details for my first 6 months.. all because I was a "nice guy" and couldn't assert myself. It ended when someone finally pushed me to my limits and I stood up for myself (and a bit of help from underaged drinking). That moment I realized for a socially awkward introvert to make it in a heavily social work setting you're going to have to make an effort to take control of your environment.
Now, I'm not defending your coworkers attitudes because they sound pretty childish, but if you're making the workplace uncomfortable in such a way by being closed off I can see why your coworkers would lash out at you. My simple strategy in new work places is this, put yourself out there the moment you step in the door. Are you greeting people in mornings? If not then you should because it's the quickest ice breaker. Don't just make a B line straight to your desk and be in your own world. I try to pick up on other people's interests and bullshit with people every now and then, it's fake and its exhausting but there isn't a way around it until you move up the ladder a bit more. But even then as a supervisor you still want to be someone who is approachable so others can ask you for help, which means you'll need to be able to relate and open up conversations.
There are dicks in every workplace so switching offices may or may not really be that beneficial. You can keep moving around to find something that completely suites your personality (which is nice for short term but I guarantee it will never be permanent) or you can become someone who owns their environment and make any social situation work out in their favor.
Also, this book helped me understand my own temperament more when it comes to social work settings as well as tips for dealing with an extroverted work environment.
Oh and another thing that could help you become the best version of yourself is to study books on how to be more charismatic.
The Charisma Myth: Master the Art of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane is a great book.
"How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships" by Leil Lowndes.
"How to Be a People Magnet: Finding Friends - and Lovers - and Keeping Them for Life" by Leil Lowndes
I know it's a bit counterintuitive suggesting books for social skills (the solution is ultimately in doing rather than knowing),
but these books are accessible, credible, and practical - each one has exercises to practice and master: Charisma Myth
and Search Inside Yourself both helped me understand myself and how to relate to others. Hope they help you.
This is a HUGE subject. Thousands of books have been written on it. Classes are given on it. Clubs exist to sharpen this skill. So, there are a lot of ways you can work on this.
Look into books/classes on Salesmanship. Sales is all about convincing people with your words (compare to marketing, which is more about using commercials, product placement, packaging, etc etc to convince people). Zig Ziglar is a famous salesman who has written a lot of books (I haven't read any though).
A great book I have read is Influence: The Psychology of Pursasion. Also look into more manipulative books on the subject like Machiavelli's "The Prince", and Robert Greene's "48 Laws of Power".
One big key with sales / persuasion, is you need to tailor your pitch to the person you are talking to. Even when addressing a large audience you still need to do this.
Huh, only terrible people have answered you at this point. It seems it's up to me to treat you like an actual human being, with actual compassion! I know you didn't explicitly ask for advice, but I'll just write this out, and you'll consider it if you want.
Okay I don't know if you'll read all this or if you'll find this at all helpful, but I just want to say that I'm convinced that no one is stuck in a situation they don't like, as inconceivable as that may be when you're the one stuck in it. We all have the possibility to make changes in our lives, and indeed we are the only ones to have control on our own lives. Don't forget that!
Highly recommend you give that book a shot. It's not just about picking up women, but how to be "Socially successful."
From what I read, it sounds like you worry an awful lot about what others think of you. What I think you don't seem to notice is that a lot of people like on TS, skype, etc. Then you are a pretty likable guy. That's not any different than people are going to perceive you in "real life." I put that in quotes because that is real life. Those are real people you are talking to and real people who respect you.
Everything you learned in your course is inside this book.
It's a pretty awesome book... it's mired in social psychology and actual research, which is an upgrade compared to the anecdotal approach of a lot of social psychology books.
A lot of people talk about Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence people". I still need to give it a try.
Edit: amazon link
There's a new book The Conversation Code that addresses many of the issues you mentioned, namely the best ways to add to your "conversation storage tank" so you always have more to say. How to have quicker, wittier responses, etc. It gets a little into the psychology of things too. Not a light read, but could be very helpful to you.
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susain Cain. Highly recommended. Changed the way I felt about my self in a very positive way.
And on that subject, this book is pretty universally acclaimed for CBT. I have a copy and it's definitely helped me out!
> I second this book. It's amazing. The Conversation Code by Gregory Peart. More than 1000+ real life actionable examples. It is one of my favorite if not the top social skills book I have. There was nothing like it out on the market so he decided to write this book himself.
Read “No More Mr Nice Guy”, by Rober Glover. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339 Despite the name, it is not a redpill book. It is a book that cuts through all the shitty advice in the world and puts a fine point on what it means to be a confident person. I re-read it pretty often.
You should buy it because the author deserves every dollar for writing it, but if you’d like a preview, here’s a link: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
I think OP refers to this label coined by
edit not the bass player for Deep Purple
Glover's "nice guy"TM is a stereotypical archetype, a personification of a set of dysfunctional thought patterns and subsequent behaviors some males exhibit in modern (American) society. While I don't subscribe to his sociocultural analysis or his characterization of this behavior as a personality type, he makes some good points imo.
If you don't usually have a problem with the content, I think Models by Mark Manson is a decent book on the subject that avoids most of the typical PUA bullshit. This post has the book's main ideas. I think the book is a little too ready to declare universal truths about women, but it still has useful advice.
You are what you do. The more you put yourself out there the more you will learn. Have you read this? http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0061438294?pc_redir=1412088752&amp;robot_redir=1
I recently listened to the audio book and it helped me significantly. By reading people you are better equipped to understand the social situation you are in.
Hey man, I did a video for you, i hope you can take a minute to watch it!
Here's the book I talked about in the video.
No More Mr. Nice Guy
This book helped me a lot, it helped me understand interactions and how to keep them going. Needed this boost to help during conferences. Good Luck its not easy, specially for someone that hated small talk.
Yes it does!
The solution would be to start thinking of why failure is associated with fear, and why failure possible could be a bad thing? After all, how is one supposed to learn without ever doing misstakes?
Many does not realize that they have a mindset where they think that results are the same thing as their uttermost abilities. Naturally, this is completely wrong. Results is the same thing as your performance, in the moment.
So for example, doing bad in math does not mean that you are stupid, but rather that you haven't studied math enough etc...
One book that is tremendously helpful is Mindset, by Stanford University psychologist Carol Dweck. You should really check it out, it has helped me a lot with becoming more confident in every aspect of my life.
I suggest you read "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. The book gave me a new perspective on interactions between men and women. I didn't realize it but I had been sabotaging myself for a long time with women.
If that's what you think you are, I can suggest reading No more Mr.Nice Guy. It's the first thing that popped up in my mind as soon as I read the title of your post
Read this book: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
It won’t tell you how to talk but may give you a different perspective on yourself. I found it very insightful.
Seriously, this book will do wonders:
Stop whatever it is you're doing and read this book