"When a man prides himself on being able to understand and interpret a difficult book, say to yourself: If the book had been well written this man would have nothing on which to pride himself." Epictetus - Encheiridon #49.

No person is superior

Those people are not "superior people", they just have some qualities that, for you, seem to be "better" than the ones you possess. You know the advice for people with stage fright, the one about imagining others naked? It's not only about "funny image", when we are naked it's hard to think someone is better. Sure, one person is ripped, other is fat, other is regular Joe, but at some point we're just a bag of meat and bones. It's character what makes people and gives them value.

Now imagine those people you find intimidating "intellectualy naked". Not dumb, not childish, but blank. You know nothing about them and they probably know nothing about you. Use this both ways: to know others and know yourself.

Know yourself

First, know yourself. Define your values, what do you believe and why. We often feel hollow inside in some way - financially, spiritually, social or other. When we have this hole inside, and it seems like this other person don't, we compare our "hole" with their "whole". But it's not that they are better, it's just that they know what they can and want to represent. If you find this out it'll be easier to see the differences between you and other people as a things to discuss, not to compare. You're not better or worse - we're all just different.

Improve yourself

I'm talking about values like "respect" or "responsibility", but we often think about values in terms of "wealth", "education" and things like that. You can do this, sure, but forget about comparing yourself to others. They did they job, you have to do yours. You think you suck at something? Get better. You envy someone? Work on it and get it for yourself or forget about it forever. You can only be better than you. What if someone you find superior dies? Are you superior now? No, you're still you. Worse, what if someone you find inferior dies? What if you were second-to-last? You are now the worst, aren't you?

You have to use only yourself as your reference point and start your work from there. Your progress won't be linear, it'll look like a parabole drawn by someone with Parkinsons, but you'll be better everyday. You'll have ups and downs all the time, but you'll manage to get better everyday.

Get to know them

Now, when you finally know something about yourself it's easy work from there. You see, social skills starts from you, not some short advice on the web. You can know how to talk, walk and move to be "social", but the fact is, you don't always have to be the "social-est" person in the room. Some people are dicks, you can ignore them. Some people worked on something longer than you, learn from them. Others just started on something you're kind of knowledgeable about - ask if they need help.

Assume you know nothing about others. You won't find out unless you ask. If your questions are awesome, annoying or brilliant, they'll tell you. Find out for yourself. Be confident, but humble.

You'll believe in yourself only when you know what to believe in.


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Some links to help

• Define your core values: http://dawnbarclay.com/core-values
  
  
• Meditate with help from /r/Meditation. It'll help you to stay calm in potentially stressful situations.
  
  
• Read a book about charisma: Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane (no ref link). There are many "social skills" excercises, they really helped me and I belive they'll help you. :)
  
  
  Sorry it's not your typical two-sentences-long answer, I hope you'll find it helpful though. :)

Reading is great. Yes, you do have to get out there to learn social skills, like some are saying here. However, you can also learn a lot from other people's experience, which is what a book is. Use books to supplement what you are learning from your actions. Some good ones:

• HTWF&IP, like everyone else mentioned. A classic for a reason. Not everyone will love it, but you need to find out for yourself if it suits you.
  
  
• Choice Theory by William Glasser also really opened my eyes, in terms of managing relationships. It really showed me how trying to change other people is really at the root of most relationship problems, especially romantic ones. It also helped me realize just how much we control our own minds, and how we can change more about ourselves than we normally think.
  
  
• The Game by Neil Strauss introduced me to the "seduction community". I had no idea social skills could be studied in such a methodical fashion. And despite the negative reputation, there is a lot of wisdom to be found in those circles, that can even help you in a relationship or in other aspects of your life.
  
  
• Various books on salesmanship, which is social skills put to a direct professional use. Nothing especially great jumps out in my mind, but a lot of these books are pretty short. Go to a used book store and pick up a few.
  
  
• One Phone Call Away by Jeffrey Meshel. It is about professional networking, but this applies to personal "networking" as well. What I learned most, is that networking is really about looking for opportunities to put two people you know together for their mutual benefit. In other words, to be a good networker, you need to go network to help out people you know. By doing that, your own network expands, and people are more likely to help you in return. Karma basically. This also helps in your personal life. Its like the old-timey tradition of hosting a dinner party and then introducing two friends of yours who don't know each other but you know will get along well.
  
  
• Various books on pop psychology. Understanding how people think (including yourself) can help you socially. I think this is especially important for relationships / friends / family, and it can also help you protect yourself emotionally from the wrong kind of people.
  
  
• Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. A lot of the problems people have on this reddit are really "emotional" ones. If you know you have to talk to girls to get a GF, and you want a GF, then why wouldn't you talk to girls? Your logic is sound, but your emotions (fear, low self-esteem, etc) are what prevent you from acting. Understand your emotions and they will be your second brain, making you twice as smart. Fail to understand them and you are a slave to them.
  
  Social skills is a really broad category and really involves a lifetime of study. What could be more rewarding than having quality relationships with family, friends, significant others, etc? Its worth putting the effort into continuous self improvement here.

I can relate to this since I pretty much stayed home for most of my summer at the moment but now i got a job and am starting to be more social. What will really help you out is if you start going to random places wheres their people and just start making small conversations with people. I know its going to be uncomfortable and you'll most likely have some awkward silence and run out of things to say, but the more you do it, the more you get use to it and soon enough your social skills should get better. You can even start small by simply saying hi to people as they pass by or try giving high fives to people. I also reccomend the book how to win friends and influence people by andrew carnegie I am sure you can find it somewhere online for free or just buy from Amazon. Anyways the only way you'll get better is if you go outside and step out your comfort zone. Learn to talk about anything, and be yourself meaning talk to people about the stuff you like and hobbies you do. This will help you find out if other people have the same interest as you or not, but chances are you'll definitely find people that have similar interests to you (If you don't what kind of person how will you share yourself with others. So start to learn about yourself and decide what kinda person you to be/become). Lastly I recommend howtonogiveafudge reddit as this will help you learn not to care about what people think about your action and stuff you do and it lets you be more selfish (in a good way so that you could do what you want without worrying about people judging you) and I reccomend this video by simplepickup basically telling you about what true confidence is. Hope this helps :)

The mind is a very powerful tool, and your perception of the self becomes who you are. If you keep thinking of yourself as the outcast, 'the loser', then it will slowly manifest. It bleeds into your body language, tone, behaviour, and eventually becomes who you are. You begin to misperceive things as reinforcement of those beliefs, and your ruts become deeper grooves.

I used to say 'I hate myself' on a regular basis, everytime I 'fucked up' socially or if I didn't do what I wanted to do, 'I hate myself'. Everytime I thought back to a cringy situation, a bad joke, a moment of panic, 'I hate myself'. At first it was jokingly, but eventually it took root. The day I realized that my mantra 'I hate myself' was no longer empty words, was the day I realized how powerful the words we tell ourselves become. So from that day onwards, everytime I caught myself saying 'I hate myself', I rewrote it 'I love myself'.

> 'Human beings are strong because we have the ability to change ourselves.'

Love yourself like your life depends on it is a good short read. 'Be confident, love yourself' may seem like empty words, they did for me when I felt similar to you do, but literally keep saying them to yourself, every single day. Replace 'I'm a loser, I'm an outcast, I'm a burden' with 'I'm great, I enjoy being social, I bring a lot of value' and they will eventually take root, and they should because you deserve it. 'Be yourself' is terrible advice, like really bad lol, I won't go into why here. But anyway, everytime you catch yourself thinking negative things, notice that, recognize it's just one of your ruts, and reframe it.

Changing your self image is not a day's work, it's a long journey to change, but that does not mean you shouldn't start. You won't have to wait years to see progress, everyday is a step closer. The beauty of the long journey is that with every step forward you build the foundation that becomes unshakable. As much as you feel you can't escape now, is how sturdy your foundation can become when you build a positive self image. It wont' always be progress forwards, another great read here.... There will be setbacks, but see them as moments to build strength. In fact, strength is not lost during these moments, but is gained because of them.

So this seems like a case of "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink". I'm sure that he understands what you're saying on an intellectual level but on an emotional one, he rejects it out of hand due to his conditioning earlier in life. This is probably compounded whenever he is put into a situation where he ends up shutting down, as he basically ends up seeing it as more proof of his "failure".

I don't have a lot of ideas other than perhaps seeing if he is willing to talk to someone in a therapy-like setting. You could also look at trying to find ways to slowly push his boundaries, something like some small get togethers with people he doesn't know well so that he is only a little bit out of his comfort zone.

Ultimately though this will all require him being on board with making changes as well, so sitting down with him and seeing what he is willing to do will be paramount. You'll want to continue to reiterate that you like him just how he is and that you just want him to feel better about himself when you do this.

One final thing would be to look at the book "Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking" (http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking-ebook/dp/B004J4WNL2) As a 33 year old shy, introvert guy myself, I found this book really interesting and that it offered some new perspectives on my own life long struggles. It didn't change my life overnight but it has helped me with some of my own self acceptance issues. You could maybe start here, read it yourself first and then offer it to him and see how that goes.

> I cannot fit in because I'm not going to lie to you to be polite.


You know who says things like this? Assholes.

I'm sorry to break it to you, but in taking a quick glance at some of your Reddit posts, you're not being impolite because you're lying. You're simply being unnecessarily rude. It's not about fitting in. There's a certain level of social awareness and tact in interpersonal relationships.


> I guess i don't care enough to do anything.

Therein lies the rub. If you don't care enough to do anything, why are you asking this question? Are you actually looking for advice? Or making a statement that you're happy disguising impoliteness as "truth telling"?

If you're actually looking for advice, start by reading up on social skills. How to Win Friends and Influence People is a great book to begin with.

Here's a great video from Ramit Sethi about "Being Honest without being a Jerk"

I hope this is useful and if you have more specific questions, I'm happy to help.

This book helped me immensely http://www.amazon.com/How-Stop-Worrying-Start-Living/dp/0671733354

For right now, just see if you can think of 3 good positive things about yourself. No one but you needs to know about them. Asking this question frequently will help you learn to refocus onto more positive things in life and about yourself. Maybe see if you can ask yourself this question every morning when you wake up and/or whenever you are going to sleep.

Also, research "Kaizen" philosophy.

Good luck, fellow traveler

A few tips that may work for you.

• Practice in front of a mirror repeatedly until you can deliver your speech smoothly.
  
• Use visualization before the meeting to practice mentally and enter a successful, positive, charismatic mindset. Visualize yourself doing the introduction or whatever, doing it well and getting positive responses from your audience.
  
• I'm finding this book extremely helpful: The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism. In the first few chapters it deals with mindset techniques so you can radiate confidence and charisma from the inside out.

I used to be a deer in headlights when it came to conversation. I was basically a cardboard cut-out of a person that would stand there motionless while everyone else talked. You're right that you won't see much improvement by just reading some Reddit posts. If you want real results, you need to study and work at it. I've been improving myself for almost 20 years now and ALL my knowledge, experience, and lessons are basically in two books:

The Small Talk Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Conversationalists

You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh: 35 Humor Techniques that Work for Everyday Conversations

Good luck and hit me up if you have any questions!

-Greg

Try reading Intimate Connections - It's an evidence-based approach to tackling loneliness and building better relationships. It will help you understand and tackle the underlying attitudes that are making it hard for to connect with others, perhaps enabling you to comprehend "this weird arrogant, entitled, envious, fearful, slothful, immature, shallow, foolish part of myself".

http://www.succeedsocially.com/ is also a great place to look

I'd also encourage finding ways to regularly interact with others - meetup.com is a good place to start as there are lots of free options that cater to a variety of interests and welcome anyone who wants to join.

If you are thinking about dating her, find someone else. Seriously. I don't believe in the "friendzone" but she clearly isn't interested, and you having a 2 year "crush" on her is a much higher investment that she has in you, and it will creep her out if you ask her out on a date.

However, on the plus side, the fact that you realise that you need help with social skills puts you ahead of a lot of other awkward highschoolers who may end up being frustrated with the world while at the same time refusing to change their ways.

Look into this book, its a great book on relationships and how to change yourself to be attractive, without the manipulative and fake "techinque" crap that a lot of relationship books are about: http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract-Through-Honesty-ebook/dp/B005EOTH24/ref=tmm_kin_title_0/181-1534583-8031765

Also, browse /r/seduction, be more of a filter than a sponge because there is a lot of bullshit in there. Don't buy into their evopsych, because most of the reasons why girls act some ways while guys act some other way is not because of evolution but because of culture.

Also, browse /r/mansformation. Its an excellent sub on changing your values and improving your "inner game" to become both more attractive and, in my opinion, a more likeable person.

Conversationally Speaking. I bought this book a while back, and it is great for "small talk strategy".

However, I have FINALLY been discovering the last few months or so that a lot of the time, the best thing to say is NOTHING. Let the other person say something to YOU. It is not your responsibility to completely carry a conversation.

If the other person doesn’t say anything to you, and is making no effort to have a balanced conversation, then they probably don’t want to talk. And there’s nothing wrong with that…the sooner we accept that, the better. Lord knows there have been plenty of times where I clammed up because I didn’t want to talk to someone.

I suggest you also read "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie.. this book has helped me a lot and I am sure it will have a positive influence on yours..

he has two that I know of. I read the Small Talk Code. I'm currently reading You Can Be Funny and Make People Laugh. It's awesome. Super detailed.

Self-esteem is bogus. Research has started to say so, after years of promoting self-esteem in schools. It either leads to self-beration (like you are doing) or narcissistic behavior...it wasn't the cure-all that they originally once thought it was.

What they are finding is that self-compassion is the key. Check out the research here: https://self-compassion.org/

Kristen Neff's book Self-Compassion is utterly fantastic: https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520. It will help stop the self-beration, the inner put-downs, etc. In turn, it helps you love other people more easily as well (including yourself!)

(Also....if you are clinically depressed, that might be another issue. If you are, there's nothing wrong with seeing somebody and taking medication for it. Meds don't make you happy, but they do help our brains to get back to working normally.)

I advise you to get this book immediately:

Live for Success by John T. Molloy

This book is out of print and somewhat dated, but it is still a very valuable read and you can get it used for a few bucks.

Molloy actually did RESEARCH to understand what social cues (dress, posture, accent, etc.) read as "confident" and just as importantly "upper class." These are LEARNABLE, and practicing and adopting them may change your life.

There's a story in there about a guy on Molloy's staff who was very bright and invaluable to the team, but nobody liked him. All his social cues were way off (he would grin broadly while talking about firing people, for example, I assume in the mistaken belief that this would counterbalance the unpleasant news, when in fact it made it look like he relished firing people). Possibly this guy would have been diagnosed with Asperger's if that had been a thing back then.

conversationally speaking is my favorite. short enough to finish in 2 full length bathroom breaks too. great to reread for maitenance too.
http://www.amazon.com/Conversationally-Speaking-Increase-Personal-Effectiveness/dp/1565656296/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1408374258&sr=1-1&keywords=conversationally+speaking

Buy this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465925874&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+win+friends+and+influence+people

Read it end to end. If you have to ask a question like that, this book will be a massive eye opener for you. Hope it helps.

> I feel a sense of social pressure that I am supposed to play the game.

In what ways? It sounds like you are letting others act upon you rather than exercising your own agency.

> Also nobody has ever adequately explained how to escape the paradox of not
> caring that your basic human need for social interaction isn't being met.

Check out this classic work by Dr. David Burns. You have let go of your perceived need for social interaction and become self-content. You must fill the void left by lack of friends with something else, which is a well lived life. You don't need others to do this. How you peceive the situation and how you act are choices. This is the essence of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Once you let go of the need of others and improve your own situation and make your own life, you increase your attractive qualities, which bring people to you. If you cling to others and give up your own agency for social validation, you turn people off or worse invite predators who exploit your weakness.

I have adults who tell me they read the book to brush up on basic social skills, so give it a try. It could be helpful. If you are a guy, I have another book for guys that is free for a few hours still you can check out here: http://www.amazon.com/Popular-Now-Confident-Attractive-Successful-ebook/dp/B00BH18BQ6/ .

Great video. Reminds me of the book, the art of conversation. It's eye opening that while we're expected to intuitively understand how conversations work, and what makes us friends with eachother, and actually many (if not most) of us have no idea.

I have a similar problem. In my public speaking class the advice I received from everyone was that I didn't speak loud enough, even when I thought I was speaking loud and clear with confidence. I'm currently reading Set Your Voice Free by Roger Love. It's a fantastic book. I haven't gotten to the exercises yet, but have learned so much already! Here's an interesting fact:

> The human voice is set up to speak or sing twenty-four hours a day without getting hoarse or strained or creating any physical problems. If yours can't, it's because you're doing something wrong. [page 11]

I highly recommend this book! I initially got it from the library, but purchased it from Amazon because the library book didn't have the accompanying CD.

One of the best resources out there.

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https://www.amazon.com/Winning-Heart-Woman-Your-Dreams-ebook/dp/B004QOBAPK/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=3LO8JRPEIBWAD&keywords=3%25+man&qid=1556944908&s=gateway&sprefix=3%25+%2Caps%2C164&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1

Check out this book: Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

I'm just like you. This book helped me a lot. If you don't want to spend money yet, you can always check out the author's blog. Or you can check out his old dating advice blogs with the wayback machine. There's more advice than anyone needs there, and it doesn't suck.

She also has a great book!

How to Stop Worrying and Start Living is also one of the best. (If you failed to follow rules of How To Win Friends and Influence People)

There is a great book called "The Introvert Advantage". https://www.amazon.ca/Introvert-Advantage-People-Thrive-Extrovert-ebook/dp/B006VUIDIY This booked has helped me a lot to understand my introverted self and extroverts. We all have strengths, and trying to be something we are not is very draining to our energy. You don't have to be a super outgoing extrovert. As introverts, we are long-term thinkers with our own vast inner-world. Our brains are composed of neurons that use longer pathways than extroverts, whose neuron pathways are shorter and quicker. We also have less friends, but we have very deep connections with those friends we do have, which in my eyes is a beautiful thing. I really recommend checking out the book.

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There is also a lot of pressure from society put on women your age to be party-girls, but you have to think about who is the one forming that narrative. Many of those girls are extremely insecure and depressed, but they are good at hiding it. You see later in their lives when they become alcoholics or cheat on their partners. You really have to find out who you are and ignore what society says you should be.

Read the Art of Conservation by Catherine Blyth! It helped me understand small talk and now I do it much better.

http://www.amazon.ca/The-Art-Conversation-Neglected-Pleasure/dp/1592404979

This book changed my entire life. It is by no means a relationship book, but it will help you through your mental thought processes guaranteed.

Start by reading this.

For argument's sake lets say you are right, that you are all of those self perceived negative qualities (though I doubt it) and you want to keep them quarantined. The thing is none of these Normal People are looking for those qualities from you. You are worried about others seeing your self perceived negative qualities. These Normal People are the opposite, they are very worried you will not see their self perceived positive qualities.

You are not helping them by protective them from your dullness. You are hurting them by depriving them of a chance to shine. You really want to protect them than take an interest in them, learn to really listen (my favourite from the sidebar). If it's been almost 30 years you may have to start by faking it, but don't worry that's really the first step to most skills.