(Part 2) Best products from r/stepparents

Hi, and welcome.

>My BF and son just do not see eye to eye.

If an adult and 5 year old are seeing eye to eye, I would worry. 5 year olds don't know what they are doing. Adults, for the most part, do know what they are doing and why they are doing it. A 5 year old isn't going to understand and that's okay.

Do you know who Jack sees eye to eye with? The grandparents who are infantalizing him. Eye to eye isn't necessarily a good thing, eh?

A 5 year old does not know what he needs and what is best for him. He is 5. He is naturally selfish, will test boundaries, and will manipulate to get what he wants. Jack is not special in this regard, as all kids are like this. (They're kids with kid brains! They can't survive on their own. They have evolved to be like this to ensure they survive.)

Ordinarily, there are confident parents who keep their kids in check. They allow them to take on more responsibilities that are age-appropriate, because they know a primary job of a parent is to help a child grow up into competency to handle the adult world. The adult world does not think that Jack is special; he'll have to know how to deal with it to achieve happiness and greatness. And we all learn the skills to deal with it when we are young. We face adversity, and our parents help us overcome it (they don't shield us from it, and they certainly don't handle it for us.) And by getting through all sorts of adverse situations, we gain confidence in our ability to overcome challenges.

Additionally, we are held responsible for our behavior. Our parents teach us that our choices have an impact on other people, and we must always keep that in mind. Again, this is because when you're an adult, no one thinks you're special. So if you're out on a job interview and have atrocious table manners, you don't get the job. If you live with roommates and leave messes for someone else to clean up, your roommates hate you. These are things that parents owe it to their children to teach them so their child can be HAPPY as an adult, and can understand how the world works.

The job of a parent is not to place their child in a bubble and focus on loving everything that they do and making sure they have no challenges. The job of a parent is to understand that a child is a separate being from them; an individual who needs to learn how to function out in the callous world. Parents can do this while loving their child, but shirking the responsibility to sometimes make unpopular choices is to do a child a grave disservice.

>I honestly don't think my son likes him very much.

That's fine. Steve is the only heavy in his life (meaning has expectations for him), so of course Jack isn't going to like him. He's not worshiping him and putting him in a bubble like the rest of the adults in his life.

Your child does not need to like Steve. He does need to respect him as an adult in his life. And, as the parent, you are the one responsible for keeping him in check to ensure that he is respectful toward Steve. This is not optional if you want this family to work.

>The thing is, when Steve puts them in place, Jack looks at me like his world is ending or gives me the 'how can you let him be stern with me' look but does not talk back to him or disrespect Steve. Anytime I disagree with something I make sure to talk about it in private.

Good. Jack is doing what all kids do during the adjustment to having a step around: seeing if he can divide and conquer. He gives you the look to make you feel guilty. I hope you recognize that he is being a selfish kid (again, because he's a kid, not because he's a bad one) and that it is up to you to make sure that Jack knows that the adults are in charge. The two of you are a team and you make the rules, and you will back up Steve no matter what.

I love that you disagree in private. It is so important that you always back Steve up in front of Jack and you seem to know that.

> Lately I feel like Steve is too strict to the point that they are not bonding because he is always telling Jack to do this and that.

Your son has a strong male influence in his life for the first time in his life, and he is rebelling against it. That doesn't mean that it is wrong, it means that Jack prefers maternal babying, and Steve isn't going to do that. This is good for Jack in the long run. It is fantastic for little boys to have male role models and you are lucky that you have found Steven and that he is caring and is trying with Jack.

Many bioparents feel like stepparents are too hard on their kids and only notice their flaws. And in some ways, it's true. It's true because we don't have the bioparent goggles on where we think the kid shits rainbows. We see the kiddo as the rest of the world sees the kid, and can provide feedback that isn't biased by emotion. Steve is therefore an advocate for your child.

> Steve is a great guy and he does love us and cares for us.. he does so much for us.

Then you lucked out. Appreciate Steve. If you start to doubt him and let your son's guilt trips start working, then Steve will grow to resent the fact that he's putting in so much effort and is being taken for granted.

>Steve always tells Jack to stop "acting like a baby" and I don't like it.

Of course you don't. You have the maternal infantalizing drive, like your parents have with Jack.

Steve knows what life is like for boys who act like babies. Jack is going to have a very hard time in school with other kids if he doesn't start acting in an age-appropriate way. Perhaps his choice of words could be better, but he is doing what he is doing for Jack's benefit.

>He has stopped but will sometimes slip out.

Good. He's trying to do better with his word choice, but the drive to help Jack grow up and act in age-appropriate ways is still there. And you are lucky that someone is trying to help Jack in this way. No one else seems to have any expectations of this kid, and expectations are a good thing for him.

>I hate seeing my son unhappy.

All parents do. However, your son knows this and will manipulate you using this.

Your home should not revolve around the moods of a child. If your son is unhappy, help him figure out how to empower himself to get over it. The world should not stop because he is unhappy, because - remember - that big bad adult world isn't going to give a flying fuck whether Jacky is unhappy. Jack needs to learn how to deal with adversity, and it is a fantastic thing for him to learn.

>2 days ago at the dinner table Steve asked Jack if he liked him and Jack didn't respond,

Uh, WTF Steve?

Whether Jack likes Steve is not relevant. Sure, it would be wonderful if he did, but Steven need not hand Jack power over him by asking him this. He handed him power, and Jack seized it and withheld his approval.

Jack doesn't need to approve of adults. He is a kid and he doesn't know what he's doing.

>" He may not like me right now.. but when he gets older, trust me he will like me and I promise you I will be the call he makes when he needs something because he will know I will be there. Steve also has on occasion told Jack that he loves him and cares for him which is why he shows tough love.

I'm pro-Steve again. He's got this. He knows what he's doing and he's not going to baby Jack.

> I just hate seeing my son unhappy at times.

Not babying Jack makes Jack unhappy, ergo Jack is going to be unhappy. However, as the parent, you must keep the long-term in mind and not go off the rails because your child is temporarily unhappy. That would be babying him and handing him control of the household, and Jack doesn't know what he's doing. He's 5.

You're fine. Steve is fine. Jack will be fine. It is not a bad thing for Steve to have boundaries and expectations for Jack. Boundaries and expectations are not cruel. They are healthy.

Do you have any boundaries with your parents, by the way? It seems like you feel insecure as a parent, so you let them do what they want, thinking that they know best. And they clearly don't. They're looking at the short term "spoil my grandson and keep him a baby forever" and you, as the parent, need to be looking at the long term. If Jack is with them for periods of time, have a chat with your parents and lay down boundaries. Example: "Jack is learning to wipe his own bottom. Please encourage him to do it and don't just do it for him."

You are allowed to have boundaries with your parents. You should have them. You should also have boundaries with your son.

It sounds like you are uncomfortable with the concept of boundaries, and are a people-pleaser in general. Get this book (ignore the religious angle, it's got wonderful information in it even if you filter those parts out) and learn about boundaries and why they are helpful.

Boundaries make the world go 'round, especially in step/blended families. Learn them and love them. Jack needs you to have more. Steve needs you to have more with Jack, so that he can soften it up a little.

Edited to add: Re the title of your post: How in the world are you arriving at Steve "not liking" your child? Why would he be trying so hard for Jack if he didn't like him?

Bioparents interpreting input from stepparents that isn't the status quo as the stepparent not liking their child. It's a total cop-out.

Do you really think Steve said "Yes, yes, I dislike this small child, so I'm going to move in with him and have him around every day."

Steve cares about Jack. It is showing in a way that is not ordinary, because Steve has Jack's long-term capabilities in mind, and no one else in his life really does.

Challenging the status quo =/= disliking your child.

I am sorry to hear that you have landed in this situation against your wishes. Being a step is a tough job when you enter into it willingly. I can't imagine what it must feel like when it is thrust upon you.

Your relationship with your SO is pretty broken. I highly recommend that the two of you address it. There is no point in trying to deal with the child rearing/housekeeping issues before these fundamental issues are resolved.

If your relationship is going to work, I highly recommend the two of you consider getting married. LTRs are rarely LTRs more than 5-7 years. When children from a previous relationship are involved, the success rate of the relationship goes waaaaaay down.

In order to consider getting married, however, you're going to have to address some very fundamental issues in your relationship:

• Priority. Your SO is not making you a priority in his life. You have to be his #1 priority, over his job and his children. That doesn't mean he caters to you at the expense of everything else in his life, nor does that mean you get to hold your needs over his head every day. It just means that every decision he makes daily has to be through the lens of "am I making my wife a priority?" At the same time, you have to make him a priority in your life. It sounds like you are to some extent, so this may not be as difficult for you as it is for him. But making him a priority also means that you are being honorable to him in the way you talk to him, let him know when your frustrated, etc. Men have a very innate desire to be respected by their mates, which is why so many marriages struggle when a wife has to resort to "nagging" to feel heard.
  
  
• Pursuit. The two of you have to make time for each other, even in the midst of all the crazy that you are in. If you don't get time for a date night every week, and time to get away for a weekend every 2-3 months, things will always seem like they are spinning away.
  
  
• Communication. This sounds like a "duuuuuh" comment, but you've already stated that there are days where it is late at night before the two of you can even look at each other face to face. In those moments, turn off that #$#$*% TV and talk to each other. Don't zombie into the night. Make the time where you can. Another way to make the time to talk is for both of you to cook dinner together--don't eat out (except on your date nights). It is amazing how much you can slow down the outside world and focus on each other when you're chopping vegetables and sharing a bottle of wine. This is especially useful and helpful if you or your husband is ADD. Physical movement when talking helps a lot of ADD people focus on the conversation. Put a knife in his hands and let him go to town on the onions and peppers while you two talk about your day.
  
  You need to sit down with your SO and talk about these things and see if he is willing to support you on these and begin focusing on improving them. If he is willing, and begins to show movement in those areas, then marriage should be a next step serious consideration. You both need the security and your step daughter needs the stability that a unified, married house provides.
  
  If he refuses to acknowledge that any of these things are valid concerns/issues to address, then you need to seriously evaluate the future of the relationship. If he's not willing to talk about it now, when things are new and still being formed, you can flat guarantee that he'll refuse to deal with them 2 years from now when your SD is a holy terror at the age of 7.
  
  A lot of her behavior is acting out from the complete lack of security she's had in her other house. She'll settle in once you and your SO are able to agree on standards and discipline. But that is only going to happen if you get traction in the status of your relationship.
  
  I can't second strongly enough /u/mslindz and her recommendation for Ron Deal's books on Step Family. The Smart Step Family is a great resource for you and your husband. Get the DVD set and use that as your TV nights instead of sitcoms. I also highly recommend Love and Respect and The 5 Love Languages as resources for working on your relationship and overall communication.

I would urge you to really consider if this is someone that you're honestly interested in enough to want to be that involved. It's a HUGE thing not to be taken lightly. You have some doubts before even really getting that invested in the relationship, which would be red flags to me if I were in your shoes. There's SO much involved with dating a single parent and I'm not sure I even know where to begin to tell you what to ask or what you aren't considering (that saying 'you don't know what you don't know' would apply here).

One thing I'm frequently reminded of with my SO is that it's not just myself and my SO in our relationship - it's his ex wife and his two children too. Consider that for a minute. It doesn't matter how much spare time you have. You're starting out with someone that already has other obligations, a child, that is going to come before you. My SO's time is taken up by kids and work (he travels for work a lot right now), while my time (since we are currently living separately) is often free and not spent together because he's busy.

If you are sure this is something you want to pursue, I would strongly recommend Ron L Deal's book, The Smart Stepfamily. When I first started dating my SO, this was a huge eye opener to things I hadn't thought about. I'll warn you that there is a Christian leaning towards this book which may or may not suit you, but regardless, the advice is real and valuable and doesn't mince words about how difficult it truly is to become a stepfamily. Dating and the Single Parent by Ron L Deal was also a pretty good read and might be a better one for you, though it's more geared towards the single parent who wants to begin dating.

There are days that I want to wish away my SO's kids and especially his ex wife, but I can't. Life sure would be a lot easier if it were just him and I and we only had to coordinate our schedules and not the schedules of him, the kids, and his ex wife. That isn't to say I don't have times where I really love having his kids around (I don't have and can't have children of my own) and I love him a great deal. It's a lot of work a lot of the time. I suppose that can be said of a relationship just between two people, but its even more true of a relationship that is you, your SO, their kid(s) and their ex.

I'm not able to answer most of your questions, but I would suggest a few things:

1. Get the book Non-Violent Communication. It is a really excellent resource for dealing with sticky situations without adding to the negativity (ie. a sourcebook for talking to assholes you have/want to talk to). I've used this for dealing with students who made me want to punch them in the face, and for repairing a beyond-broken relationship with my sibling.
   
   
2. Whenever talking to SD, make sure she feels very comfortable talking about BD to you. Talk to her the way you HOPE BD talks about you. Ask her questions you HOPE BD would ask her. Remember that he is her family. Remind yourself how fucking awkward it is for adults who remain friends with both parties after they divorce and have to navigate the is it okay if I mention that person's name around Friend? weirdness. Kids get it even moreso. By talking about him kindly or asking questions or whatever, you give her the signal that it is okay for her to love him just as much (or more) as she loves you.

This is a fantastic resource for how to talk to the kids:
https://www.amazon.com/Talk-Little-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/150113163X
Some of it seems hokey, but I've used some of the techniques from it and it's amazing how it works.

Also be sure you have a big discussion with your bf about expectations, to ensure that you're setting yourself up for success with the kids. Ideally, he should continue to be the disciplinarian in this first phase of you being around, and you shouldn't be doling out any of the punishments. Your job is to bond with the kids and support your boyfriend as he parents. Later on down the line, you may be taking on a more parental role, but you've got to establish the trust between you and the kiddos first. If he's a really involved dad who takes all the responsibility of raising the kids, then it can be YOUR choice what things you want to do to help out (if anything) without the cloud of expectation over your head, so you can easily bow out if things are starting to get overwhelming.

We went through this recently - I had my baby a few weeks ago - and we told her when I was 12 weeks. SD was almost three when we told her and is now 3.5. We told BM first as a courtesy/heads up and then let her know once we told SD so she would be prepared. I highly recommend cluing in BM - it made the whole thing go so much easier and let BM know that we were considering her feelings and including her in the process, which led to some great dialog about concerns BM had about how to make sure SD was okay with the whole thing.

We had three “I’m a big sister” books on heavy rotation that SD still asks to read during bedtime. They were extremely helpful in getting her ready, and she had about six months to get used to the idea. We altered some of the words, like instead of “Mommy and Daddy say I’m special”, we would tack on my name or remove “mommy”. And we also altered the words to be relevant to our family - like one of them had a thing about painting the baby’s room, so we’d ask SD what color we painted our baby’s room. It’s not like she can read and doesn’t know the difference! We also explained that the baby would call me mommy. I don’t know if she totally gets how it works, but when she’s referring to the baby, she’ll say things like “baby says ‘mama I love you’” and just today told me I was a “good mommy”, so there’s that.

Kids her age are also veeeery into baby dolls and taking care of them, so my SD had quite a few baby dolls that we practiced with and talked about what was appropriate (gentle touches, kissing on the back of the head, etc.)


Links to the books we bought in order of favorite to least favorite (but we liked them all):

I’m a Big Sister by Joanna Cole https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061900621/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1pIoDb4WBPJMR

I Am a Big Sister by Caroline Jayne Church https://www.amazon.com/dp/0545688981/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_CqIoDbQ1GB7VB

Waiting for Baby by Rachel Fuller https://www.amazon.com/dp/1846432758/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_arIoDb9D1CCZ7

Ooh, I regret that I have but one upvote to give on this one. "Don't suddenly be the heavy if you typically have never handled discipline" should be obvious, but it's...not.

I keep recommending ahaparenting on here because I think it's great parenting advice but also because I think it's parenting advice that is uniquely well-suited to steps. No punishment! But, plenty of teaching -- good discipline involves teaching.

Early on in my relationship with my BF I said something like, 'I know kids are pretty annoying sometimes and as much as I love mine I'm pretty sure she's not some magical exception. And you are an in awkward spot because you're hanging out over here being a grown-up, but you're not her parent. If she is driving you nuts or doing something stupid, please, show her how to do it properly. It takes a little more time than just 'Jeez, milk everywhere! Get the paper towels!' to show her how to pour without spilling, but it takes a lot less time in the long run...'

I think stepparent-as-teacher (and 'saviour'!) is a wonderful position. Since he's never punished but will basically teach her until she behaves well, my daughter is really well-behaved for my BF. To the point where I've occasionally stood back and looked at how well things are working out for them, and wondered why I'm not better at taking my own advice...

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family is not step-specific but an excellent read. (I also like ahaparenting.com a lot, again especially for stepparents too.)

Unfortunately this is pretty typical.

There are a lot of great books about parents badmouthing each other that might give you some strategy tips:

Divorce Poison

Divorce Casualties

Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome

There are also some books for young kids to help them handle divorce like Two Homes, Dinosaurs Divorce and The Invisible String. Kids really need examples of other kids in their position to understand they're not alone, and books can help with that.

I know this is really hard, but it's also a relatively short time since they split up (year & a half, right?) and there is a definite adjustment period. Just stay positive and don't bash her dad in return. You can respond with things like "I'm sorry your dad feels hurt" or "I'm sure it feels like that to him" or similar neutral statements, but you don't want to put her in the middle by saying he's a liar.

Most of all, you cannot change anyone, no matter how shitty he's being, so make a plan that doesn't involve him suddenly starting to respect you. You have to work around that and find other ways.

The best thing you and your wife can do is lead by example. Stay positive, change the subject, show by your actions that you're good people who are not doing whatever he's accusing you of.

In the meantime, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If you end up in court, you will need to show a history of his negativity. One of the custody factors judges weigh is which parent is more likely to foster a positive relationship with the other parent. If one parent is repeatedly bashing & badmouthing the other, the judge will not look kindly on that.

You may also consider family counseling for you & your wife & daughter.

Good luck. I've been there, and it is no fun whatsoever.

:internet hugs::

You sound like an amazing step dad! I think you should keep on keeping on.

Keep in mind that teenagerdom brings about interest in sex. So it is likely a weird thing for her to even consider loving you at this point. She's now trying to break away from her child self and grow into her adult self. Love and loving physical contact with parents starts to get weird, add in that you aren't her bio and... I'm sure you can imagine how mixed up that can make a person feel.

If you feel like you are both having a good time and she wants to hang out, keep doing it, having a bond with you will be good for her in the tumultuous teen years to come. If you feel like she maybe isn't as into it, keep offering with sincerity and don't let a no hurt your feelings. It has everything to do with being a teenager.

I would highly recommend reading Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated, as well as Queen Bees and Wannabes, 3rd Edition: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boys, and the New Realities of Girl World, and for the boys Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World.

What we have is through ADT right now so it's a monitored alarm system. It has all the sensors but the actual system is what is alerting me by name which door or which window. You could absolutely look into that but I'll be honest.. It's in because she got it before we moved in. Had she not done it I would probably go the diy route.

There are systems such as this one

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01LBGM9QY/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_cyRZzbPHXPPAT

Or just the individual chime alarms like this:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0026SZHLG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_DzRZzbMPWK2M9

You can also get locks like this one if you have a sliding door that you want to secure. This became a big deal for us because the backyard had a pool. Plus a prior rental agreed to allow us to put one in because the back yard was not fenced.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005TT34L4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_mBRZzbS5GD7CV


I know you said PM.. but I also know we aren't the only ones navigating special needs. Some maybe newer to it and wondering about the same stuff. So hopefully by leaving it up here someone else sees it that may need it.

And obviously it doesn't stop her from heading out the door it just means you will hear it and it doesn't leave it to chance that you may not. That was my big panic that my son could get out and if I didn't hear him hed just be down the road and just.. holy shit! Right? It created a pattern of hyper vigilance that took a huge toll.

I can recommend buying, reading and implementing these

The New Strong-Willed Child https://www.amazon.com/dp/141439134X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aetSBbWSF5FX1

Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_AftSBbMH5EADB

Kids behavior is a control mechanism to get what they want, and although every child is different, you can break down behaviors into one of four or five categories. These books help you understand their behavior better and give you effective, proven strategies to deal with it. All you have to do is not give up, not give in, and be consistent.

You’ve got to learn how to effectively discipline this little monster before it ruins all the kids childhoods.

I came here to cautiously recommend therapy. My recommendation caused strain on our relationship. It turns out guys don't want you to send constant emails about every therapist within 20 miles who sees kids... If they go to therapy and you're privy to the info, read up on the diagnosis to see how you can help them thrive! I'd also spend less time parenting and more time reading up on step/parenting. Terrible twos often bleed into the threes. Reading was incredibly therapeutic for me.

Stepmonster - popular here, I'm a fan
Single Girl's Guide - never read, well reviewed
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen
The Whole-Brain Child
Subtle Art - best book ever

I have gotten invested in the book I'm reading with SD8. She won't be here for 2 more weeks, and I don't want to wait that long to read more but I also I don't want to read ahead and then have to re-read it with her lol This is what we're reading and it's pretty well written!

My wife has 2 boys and I have 2 boys. To make them feel like part of the wedding and to show them we are a family we had a photo unity sand frame and each person had a different color sand. We took turns pouring our stand into the box. The boys like it and over the years the sand has mixed a little together like our family has.

It was something like this

https://www.amazon.com/Lillian-Rose-x8-875-Unity-Frame/dp/B006WT02I8/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=Unity+Sand+Frame&qid=1551215735&s=home-garden&sr=1-2

I have read the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin which is targeted to stepmothers and is about stepmothers mostly. I thought it was really good in validating the really shitty stuff that we don't often like to admit (jealousy/anger/etc.).

I also read How to talk to kids so they listen and how to listen to kids so they talk because as a non-bio parent walking into a relationship with an 8 year old girl, I had a lot of learning to do, including communicating with a child (that wasn't a student/cousin/neighbour's kid/etc). Sometimes the example situations are overly positive but I've taken a lot of the techniques on board because who doesn't want to be listened to at the end of the day?

That's all I've really read in depth and that has helped me. The best thing tho in my opinion is to seek counselling for the family if it's really hard or at least couple's counselling. Because it all depends on the relationship of the couple...

BM is going to get mad that the iPad was broken. She is also going to get mad that a 5 year old boy was unsupervised on a second floor balcony. I would. Boys being boys and five year olds being five, I wouldn't be surprised if he decided to climb around on it.

Replace the iPad and put a better lock on the patio door. Something like this:
https://www.amazon.com/Patio-Guardian-PDG01-W-Door-Lock/dp/B005TT34L4/ref=sr_1_4?s=hi&ie=UTF8&qid=1479997849&sr=1-4&keywords=sliding+door+lock


>We didn't ask for him to bring it.

You didn't take it away from him either. You were willing to enjoy the benefits of the iPad. (Leave me alone while I cook the turkey.) Those benefits come with the responsibility to supervise expensive electronics and small children. I don't see any way that you are not responsible to replace it.

That being said, it would be a very very long time before SS had the privilege of using any tablet in my house again.

Edit: I checked your post history and saw that your SS lives a long distance away. Is this the same iPod that SS uses to skype and face time with his DH every day? If so and you don't replace it in the way that she prefers, I pretty much guarantee that DH won't be getting any more skype or face time with his son. Even if the Order says so and you file a motion for contempt. "Your Honor, they allowed my 5 year old son to throw his iPod off a second floor balcony and I can't afford to replace it." You will lose that motion. Also, isn't it likely that BM sent the iPod so that she could skype and face time with SS?