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After an affair trust just doesn't bounce back to the place it was before. It takes serious work on his part to even gain a bit of trust back after betrayal.

He has no expectation of privacy in the marriage at this point and this is due to his actions. You can't simply flip a switch and have trust for him again.

Here are a couple of books that really work together to give a roadmap to healing from this.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. McDonald

r/https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

I am going to give you Mcdonald’s list of 15 actions that a wayward spouse should be doing to help the betrayed feel safe in the relationship.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:

• are non defensive

• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses

• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners

• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner

• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done

• make amends and apologize to loved ones

• apologize often, especially the first two years

• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain

• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings

• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering

• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity

• keep no secrets

• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair

• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities

• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing

• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair

• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair

• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children

• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth

This book is 90 pages long, and it can be read in an evening by someone who reads quickly. For someone who is a slower reader it takes a weekend. if the wayward says its too hard to read, or takes too long to read it then it is showing you they think they don’t need to do much to help you heal. They need to understand that this work requires a shit ton of work on their part and they need to act. Promises don’t make it in this game.

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.

r/https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

This book is a much longer and deeper book, but it really digs into what the wayward needs to do in order to help you figure out what has happened. It talks about how actually speaking about the affair helps build trust. It talks about how the details of the affair help you piece together the missing history that you don’t have in your head. It talks about boundaries and how boundaries play a part in the beginning of the affair. While it can be hard to read by a betrayed spouse, the information contained is so good that It should be read.

Rebuilding the relationship requires that he be fully open and transparent. This means you get access to all email accounts, all messages, all social media, EVERYTHING.

Just FYI I am the WS in my marriage, and my wife has all of this, she chooses (after 4 years) to not look at my communications, but she still gets all the passwords and other stuff she needs in order to do this.

I do not get mad at her reading anything because I don't have secrets from her anymore. I learned that if I want to stay in a relationship with her I have to be open, truthful, and willing to do what it takes.

There is a saying that brings it crystal clear to me: People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I am really sorry you are at this point, but your husband doesn't get the fact that his infidelity pretty much destroyed any amount of trust, safety, and security that you once had. His job is to restore all of these things so you have trust, safety and security. His actions actually do the opposite of what you need.

It sounds as if you become more compliant and pleasing, hoping love will fix everything. However, his character issues demand more than love in order to mature. Love is not enough. The marriage relationship needs other ingredients to grow and thrive. Those ingredients are freedom and responsibility. When two people are free to disagree, they are free to love. When they are not free, they live in fear, and love dies. And when two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, one takes on too much responsibility and resents it; the other does not take on enough and becomes self-centered or controlling...


I highly suggest the book boundaries in Marriage. It help me to realize when I was being manipulated, what was acceptable and ultimately gave me my power back.

Good luck to you and PM me anytime.

Things I do which help:

Take a walk outside with headphones and an audiobook like once a week. Go somewhere you like for the only reason that you like it.

Went to the doc and got antidepressants. On my second try now bc the first ones didn't work.

Therapy. Most difficult one to start bc it meant telling my pain to a stranger. Also extremely helpful. I opened my mouth and said what my hopes and goals were. Realistic ones. When looking for a therapist, I give it one meeting. If we don't click, I'm out.

CBT Workbook for Depression. It's on amazon here


I did all these at approximately the same time, at my low and they all played a big role in kicking me in the ass out of the black haze and into some semblance of order and life.

Then I downloaded 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos and listened to that on car rides bc I love taking car rides, and it made me excited to live again.

The other day for my audiobook walk I wanted to go to this one trail I like, but it is half hour drive away. So realistic me was like, "Just use the trail up the road, it's 2 min away and more practical. Don't waste gas driving to the other trail, its all woods." Then I thought about it and you know what? It isn't a waste of gas. I WANT to go to the trail I like better, that's perfectly reasonable. I don't have to sacrifice every little tiny thing to practicality and convenience for others.

I started doing little creative things just because. Coloring with my kids, playing my musical instruments, bought a couple house plants that weren't in the budget JUST because I wanted them and they make me happy. I've wanted plants for a long time. I did it! And you know what? Grocery budget was tighter because of the $50 but my home is happier and I'm happier.

We've been together nearly 12 years. Last January I found out she was having a physical and emotional affair with a family friend. We decided to reconcile. Some advice to consider:

• Consider your needs before hers. Think about what YOU want most. If you want a divorce, start talking to lawyers and get the process started. If you want to reconcile, own that decision. Neither have to be your FINAL decision (you're allowed to be conflicted!) but taking ownership of how you want to move forward kind of puts some of the power in your life back in your hands. Put your needs as your #2 priority, and your daughter's as #1. IMO, a stable family is better than an intact one. It'd be great if you could have both, but IF you have to pick one then pick the former.
  
  
• Give your wife a bit of time to process this big change in your lives. Your marriage is different now, and it can't be the same ever again. It can be GOOD (if she's willing to put in the work), but it can't be like before. You have every right to see all her passwords and access to all her devices, but I hope you're tech-savvy enough to catch her if she goes deeper underground. Even with full access, you're likely to be paranoid for a while, justifiably. And if you turn into an ugly person going through this from time to time, she's going to have to be patient about that too. The worst isn't forever, but things are different now.
  
  
• Word of warning, and you've encountered this already, but expect her to stumble with regard to breaking it off. You caught her before, she committed to making things work, but then she went deeper underground. Now homewrecker is moving closer, and she needs to tell him unambiguously to stay away and not move to where you live. Don't be surprised if she has trouble breaking it off, and if you're going to try to still reconcile expect disappointment down the line. In my case, for a few months my wife was occasionally going to see him at the bus stop to chat and catch up on how the reconciliation is going. He was a close friend of ours. She's since got to a state where she started turning him away and telling him to stop trying to talk to her.
  
  
• You've already been recommended a book or two. For reconciliation, I bought Healing from Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis. It has chapters for you to read, and it has chapters for her to read. It has chapters early on for the immediate shock you're experiencing now, it has chapters for the medium-distance parts of recovery, and it has long-term advice. You won't get through the whole book in one go, and you shouldn't. It'll help you get an understanding of what she was thinking or what was going through her head, and more importantly it'll drive home to her what you're currently going through, and communicate your pain in words you may not be able to come up with. (Full Disclosure: The book is heavily biased toward reconciliation, and it owns those biases. It's a book you read for help doing that. It won't help you come to a decision. Buy it if you want to reconcile. Do not buy it if you want to divorce.
  
  
• If you DO want to reconcile, you're going to need some counseling or intervention. Shop around for couples therapy or counselors. Ours wasn't great, he was just okay. Also you should try some individual therapy if you can. You're going through a lot of grief and it helps to have someone totally detached with training to help you through it.
  
  
• For who to tell, be careful. It's true that cheaters thrive in darkness, but shining a light on it will also burn bridges with people who care about you. If you put her on blast and everyone knows and then you decide to reconcile later, some of those friendships are going to be scarred or even turn toxic (as other people may not respect your decision to stay together). Parents yes. Your family should absolutely be there to help you. Her family, yes sure! So she can't spin it later. But if you have any close friends who you think might take a more scorched-earth approach, be careful because they might do exactly that. Personally I don't regret talking about it, and I needed to talk about it, but I wish I had told fewer people. Weiner-Davis goes into a more thorough explanation in her book.
  
  In my case, we're in a better place now. We're doing really well, and our life plans are back on track. Our families know what happened, and they're supportive of us. Our friends are less supportive of us together, but are still supportive of us individually. We've still been through some shit, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
  
  edit something that stuck out to me:
  
  > After the weekend away, when she promised to break all contact until we knew what was happening with us, I told her that if she lied again, I would be less willing to try forgiveness,
  
  Don't be "less willing to try forgiveness", explicitly put divorce on the table. Make sure she knows, her marriage is on the line. For my marriage, it wasn't until we started planning the details of our separation and she received a request for Disclosure from my lawyer that shit became unambiguously and viscerally real.

>\> Also asking about how he is/our relationship. She didn't give a damn about that at the time so I kind of feel like there is an alterior motive behind this (or I'm just overthinking)

You aren't overthinking. She is a threat to your relationship. But you aren't going to 'win' the pick me dance by making 'rules' for your boyfriend. It doesn't work. And even if it works this time, there will ALWAYS be another woman who doesn't give a crap about your relationship because she wants him.

So, what do you do? First, of course is to be aware that he is not willing to set up the guardrails that would have prevented this in the first place. You can't MAKE him do that. Just like you can't lock him in a cage away from all women forever. It's up to him to determine what he is going to do to make you feel safe in your relationship with him. You can be smart and figure out if he really is the right guy or not. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_n1KTxg2F8

You can work on YOU. You can develop hobbies, career, etc etc to make yourself awesome and desirable (nothing screams sexy like being confident... not arrogant, but comfortable with who you are). You can get yourself to a good emotional place where you can stand on your own and not NEED him (you can want him, but don't NEED him - financially or emotionally). Be whole in yourself. Know that you cannot control his behavior but that you can walk away and be happy on your own. Then you can choose to be with him. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBzAhi-ZHtA Don't NEED him - know how to fix your own stuff - be it plumbing, finances, learning about products you are considering purchasing, or turning around a crappy mood after a bad day... You don't need him to do all that for you. Do you have jumper cables? Have you learned how to properly jump your car? When he does do it for you, it won't be expected. It will be a bonus you can be thrilled about. (plus, there is very little sexier than someone being knowledgeable about the unexpected)

Of course, you might like this - it's pretty good: https://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1511368926

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7ihgcn/my_fix_your_picker_thank_you_chumpladycom_post/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Infidelity/comments/6rkxyv/living_together/

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/7pgh5n/lpt_one_of_the_best_ways_to_stop_being_lonely_is/

So I guess the short answer is: Get Smart. Get smart about his behavior ("You don't have to cut off contact with anyone. It's your life. I'll take that into consideration") and Get Smart for you - about everything ;) - Be Mighty!

Hey there. So sorry you are hear. I will echo what another said and post this on survivinginfidelity.com. lots of good people there.

So I noticed a couple things reading your post. Firstly, it is NEVER something you did or didn't do that made them cheat. They cheat because they wanted to and it's a flaw with the cheater not you. I don't care how fucked up your marriage was, they didn't have to cheat. There are adult ways to deal with problems and they chose not to. Your marriage sounds like mine though. No big problems and this just came out of the blue.

You BOTH need to realize and understand this first point if you want to make it work. She needs to understand that she made terrible decisions and figure out what flaw/flaws in her character allowed her to act this way. If she doesn't figure this out and correct it, there is no stopping round 2. You need to hold her accountable with this piece unless you're fine with having rounds 2, 3, 4 etc.

She has a lot of proving to do, to you, that she truly cares and wants this to work. I understand how you feel and just want it all back. I think everyone wants it all back. You're only a month out and havent fully processed yet, but it's her job to show you true remorse and fix her shitty morals or boundaries or whatever. You dont have to leave her or anything in the meantime, but I wouldnt be trying to make it all right until she starts putting in some serious work.

Have either of you been to counseling? I found some IC good for me and she really NEEDS it to help her figure her shit out.

Focus on you and do what makes you happy. Dont worry about her. Shes a big girl who made big girl decisions and now needs to own them. Just do you.

These books were very helpful for both me and my WW. I would start with the first one (it's a quick read) and then hit the other two. She needs to read all this too. It will help her understand how you're feeling.

On mobile and can't find the good one! I'll post back later with them.

You're not alone in this, my friend. You did nothing wrong. You're going to experience a lot of emotions. Just take them one by one and post more if it helps. Stay strong!

Edit: I think youre doing the "pick me" dance a bit with the nice things you are doing for the women who destroyed your trust and heart. Remember this. You are the prize, not her. She should be doing those types of things for you.

Edit 2:

Here is the book you should read first: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

Then read either: "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/1501265660

And/Or

"Getting past the affair" by Donald K. Snyder https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together-ebook/dp/B00597P0VI/ref=dp_kinw_strp_1

Sure. I'd have a sit-down and explain you allowed "rug sweeping" and in hindsight, that was a huge mistake. It just festered and is going to blow up unless we both deal it. Then suggest you both read a short book. How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful This book is geared toward the wayward spouse. It simply lays out 15 steps of what the WS will have to do to restore the marriage. (Read the book before you give it to him. 2 hour read).

But you first need to explain to him how dour the situation really is. You feel nothing! Nothing is much, much worse than anger. He needs to genuinely grasp this. The marriage ship is not doing well. If he doesn't grasp that then it's time for real communication. Don't tolerate "can't we forgive and forget?" Yes, you can choose to forgive him. That doesn't mean you trust him.

And with you having no friends nearby, you will need help.

If you get through that book and are on same page of him being remorseful, you are on first base.

While you wait for the book, pls read my post on Forgiveness vs Trust.

Pls keep in touch. My bias is to heal marriages. It takes real work. I know some great books (not mine). PM me if you want. I'd love to hear you both got to 1st base (you agree with the book). Then I've got a fantastic 2nd book.

Let's get this marriage back on the right track. By this time next year you could have something very special. Yes, it takes that long.

PS Trust "Trust can't begin until a year or two from the last lie." If you are stuck on section of the book and need help with it, PM me. i.e. You get to ask anything you want about the affair. Anything. Who, What, When Where How. No more rug sweeping. This helps healing!

I’m currently going through a near marriage-ending traumatic mess because I snooped in my husband’s computer.

Married nearly 17 years, together for 22. I never ever thought he could even consider breaking us up. It was so shocking to me.

I’m now going to therapy and working to get him to go with me to marriage counseling. Reading [this book](I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425245314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_1CY6CbQ2J08XC) helped me SO much.

The first thing I’d tell you is don’t do it.

The second thing is - you’re going to have to talk to him about this and find a way that you don’t need to snoop and he has his privacy.

In my case we have two weird and diametrically opposed needs/fears. He needs privacy to an extreme. I get how he got this way but to me “privacy” feels like secrets. I need security, and secrets threaten that. I get how I got this way, but to him the transparency I need for “security” is an invasion of his privacy. We are still working on how to make those work together. Not sure what the outcome will be but I won’t let this be over. We love each other too much for that.

Snooping is not going to help you feel better. Working together to understand each other’s needs and finding a way to feel like snooping is unnecessary is the path to happiness for both of you.

I wish you luck. It ain’t easy.

Two and a half years ago my wife confessed to me that she was "in love" with someone I thought was my friend, and had been fucking him for weeks.

I decided I wanted to fight for my relationship. Mostly, I couldn't stomach the idea of divorce without feeling like I really did everything I could. She more or less immediately agreed to stop contact with him, even though she wasn't sure she wanted to stay with me. We went to counseling together and individually, and dove into the practices from marriagebuilders.com in an effort to rebuild our relationship.

It was the hardest, and most painful thing I've ever done. For two years we struggled. We'd be ok for a couple of months, then she would explode. Turns out she had a really hard time with her own needs and wants; even acknowledging them to herself was tough, never mind bringing them up to me. Meanwhile I suffered big time from Nice Guy syndrome, and the book No more mister nice guy made a huge difference. So did focusing on myself and picking up new, empowering hobbies. (martial arts)

Finally last June she blew up and left me to stay at a friend's house. After 2 years of this shit, I was ready for her to go... Ready to say goodbye to this relationship. I offered to trade off times at our apartment until we decided what to do. That separation lasted 3 weeks, and every time we traded off (twice a week) we would check in about how we felt. I called my family members and prepared them, that I was probably going to divorce in the next couple of weeks.

During this period of time I got more offers from women than I think I have in my entire life. It was a serious part of my decision, the fact that apparently I had access to unlimited pussy.

In the end she asked me to move back in together, and I decided to give it one last hopeless chance, but on strict conditions. Every week we would have a relationship talk together to see how we were doing. And if there was one more blowup, I would leave.

It was tough for a couple of weeks, but then it was like a light switch in my wife. In retrospect she says she just "decided" to have a more positive outlook. After a little fight (which I honestly thought would be the end), she came back with a totally different attitude. It was like she was done just letting shit happen to her, and she was ready to come to the table in making this relationship what we BOTH wanted.

We've been on a continuous upward momentum ever since then. We still meet every week to check in about our relationship, and it's just getting better and better. I'm happier than I've been perhaps my whole life, and she says the same. What's more, we are incredibly close to each other, having both come through hell for this relationship. We're back to being the "newlywed" couple at restaurants (we're going on 9 years married), and we communicate now like never before.

I'm very lucky, but dammit I worked and suffered enough to feel like I deserve it. We're extremely happy together, and planning our first child in a year and a half or so.

It IS possible to get through to the other side. But you have to overcome not only the pain of infidelity, but the issues that made that possible in the first place.

This is a pretty good list.

Waywards who want to rebuild the marriage:
• are non-defensive
• examine their motives for their affairs, without blaming their spouses
• accept their roles as healers to their wounded partners
• do not resist breaking off all contact with the affair partner
• show genuine contrition and remorse for what they have done
• make amends and apologize to loved ones
• apologize often, especially the first two years
• listen with patience and validate their spouses’ pain
• allow their spouses a lot of room to express their feelings
• respect the betrayed spouse’s timetable for recovering
• seek to assure spouses of their love and commitment to fidelity
• keep no secrets
• do not maintain close ties with those who condoned the affair
• are willing to be extremely accountable for their time and activities
• frequently check in with spouses as to how they are doing
• are aware of and anticipate triggers of the affair
• are willing to get rid of hurtful reminders of the affair
• don’t minimize the damage the affair had on the children
• commit themselves to a long-term plan for recovery, honesty, and spiritual growth
The last point includes these actions:
• Individual counseling for the wayward so they can find out what is inside them that allowed them to rationalize the affair.
• Learning what constitutes safe boundaries in interpersonal relationship.
• Couples counseling once the wayward finds those whys and begins addressing them, and acceptance 100% of the affair is on the wayward (no blame shifting)
• If substance abuse is present then wayward must enter a recovery program in order to get the addiction under control.
• Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass PhD.
• https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503
• This book pretty much started a revolution in the therapy industry on how they help those betrayed by adultery deal with it. She was one of the first using therapies based on PTSD recovery for those who have suffered infidelity.
• I will warn you that Not Just Friends, while a very good book, is full of triggers because of how she maps out how affairs begin. What I recommend is that if you find it triggering, that you put it down and then come back to it when you are in a better mental state.
• Finally you need to make sure that you take care of yourself.
• Force yourself to eat small meals, and if you can't do that then try meal replacement shakes.
• Drink water, maybe tea to keep you hydrated, and try to stay away from alcohol. It is a depressant and while it will help in the short term you need to watch out for the long term.
• Sleep. I know you are having issues with this. If you need try an over the counter pain reliever with a sleep aid or a better thing to do is to consult your doctor. Most of these contain generic benadryl which causes drowsiness.
• You need to have your wife and yourself go in and have a full STD panel done. Unfortunately in fantasy land waywards and APs rarely think about using protection.
• Finally, don't be too quick to enter couple's counseling. Too many marriage counselors are trained in such a way to work on relationship problems, and not infidelity. They end up doing more harm than good. If you have decided to go this route then please interview the counselor first to find out how they work with couples dealing with this. IF the counselor talks about relationship issues and unmet needs causing infidelity thank them and find another therapist.

That sounds like a lot of progress on his part, but I think you are right to be cautious. I also think postponing a decision is a good plan too, but you are the only one who knows your heart and what's best for you.

I also think that you can be just fine as a single parent. Granted, I don't have 5 kids, with two of them being so little, but if that's the decision you come to, you can certainly do it and thrive.

My SO just ordered a book similar to the one I recommended to you. Links to both below:

This is the one I have:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/098327133X/ref=cm_cr_arp_mb_bdcrb_top?ie=UTF8

The one my partner just ordered:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0985063378/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1482880616&sr=8-1&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=facing+the+shadows+patrick+carnes&dpPl=1&dpID=41hEZJSKXvL&ref=plSrch

My fingers are crossed for you, but I know how scary this is. It is for me too. I'm thankful every day that my SO and I aren't married Bc then I can walk so much easier if he reoffends.

I wish I had more of a solution other than saying see a counselor. Counseling can take a while and get expensive, and actually does take a fair bit of effort if you are looking for results, as I have found I have to spend a few hours per week between sessions reflecting on things.

Besides counseling, I have found some books to be most helpful in creating the right framework for a (hopefully) successful relationship in the future. Check out Way of the Superior Man and No More Mr. Nice Guy. From these books I have learned how to set healthy boundaries and maintain an independent life of my own before getting into another relationship.

I would strongly recommend getting all 3 of these. They pretty much cover everything you need to know.

Unfortunately as a BS you got blindsided with trauma that you likely don’t have the tools to heal from. Even if you can afford MC (which I’m doing), you should still read these.

Get them used and they’re pretty affordable. Get some highlighters and mark them up. Pick out sections to discuss with him.

1. For your husband (I marked this up for my WS/wife) - it was a major point of new understanding for her.
   
   How to Help Your Spouse Heal From... https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
2. Comprehensive guide to everything. A little long on the storytelling, but the information is fantastic.
   
   Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
   
   
3. Forgiveness is a poor word for what lies ahead. There is not forgetting or rug sweeping. Even if you separate, you still need this book.
   
   How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060009314/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Zy9VDb01D81M7
   
   I hope you can find your way out of this hell. Reply or PM me if there’s something on your mind and need some reassurance.

Do not listen to what she says. Watch how she behaves. The suicide bit smacks of manipulation to me.

I'm jaded, but I would say that odds are you will never recover this relationship unless you are just willing to be abused and accept continued cheating. IT SUCKS! I tried to forgive, I tried to move forward, only to find out my wife became a better liar.

Making real changes in character is difficult. It's much easier for her to rationalize her behaviors and that will likely mean allowing herself to end up in the same position later. Only next time, she will have a dedicated email account, maybe a dedicated "burner" phone to access it, etc.

She wasn't actually your best friend. She was betraying you and then pretending to be your friend. She doesn't respect you. She may think she loves you, but is possibly damaged and not able to love in a normal way. She may be lacking in the ability to empathize with others. She is almost assuredly a selfish person. You yourself have probably been blinded by your love and not allowed yourself to see how selfish she is, but perhaps over the coming weeks you will start to think about this or that past experience, and how it demonstrates her selfish entitlement.

Good luck. I recommend this book:

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

1 - Set a time table in your mind for how long you will give her to start making MAJOR changes.

2 - Tell her to buy the above book and read it, then ask her to give you the book so that you can read it AFTER she does.

3 - Note how long it takes her to buy it, and then to read it.

4 - Read it yourself and note how much of the advice in the book she is already doing.

5 - Re-evaluate how much of the advice in the book she is doing at the end of your time table that you set in step 1 above.

​

If she won't buy and read the book, then that speaks much louder than verbal promises. If she reads it but won't follow through with the suggestions, then I strongly advise you to exit the marriage. If she reads it and earnestly tries, you may have something to salvage.

If you think it is salvageable, then I recommend getting professional help. The two of you will probably not be able to figure this out without some therapy from a trained professional.

https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

When terrible things happen, it’s very natural to want to feel a sense of control. To think, oh if I’d only done X, Y would not have resulted. If you are at fault, the reasoning goes, well, then you could FIX this. (Codependents love to fix things.) So you will take this crappy situation, and think you can control the outcome by just trying harder.

This is a bad idea for several reasons. First, you aren’t at fault for another’s cheating. That’s on them. As they say in therapy about people behaving self destructively – the Three C Rule – “you didn’t CAUSE it, you cannot CURE it, and you cannot CONTROL it.”

Second, if you see the affair as a competition that you must try harder to “win,” the marriage becomes a bidding war between the chump and the affair partner. The best response is to fold, because the game is rigged. There is no winning bid. The cheater just wants the competition to go on indefinitely. They want to sit impassively while you do the humiliating dance of “pick me!” This makes them feel powerful, central, special.

Cheating comes from a sense of entitlement. All you do when you compete for your marriage is solidify that entitlement – that it is YOUR job to ensure the happiness of the cheater, and hey, you missed a spot. Healthy relationships are based upon reciprocity. Infidelity is a toxically lopsided situation. Cheaters want the scales tipped in their favor (more attention, more ego stroking, more sex, more materialism) at your expense. They just don’t want to try that hard, and they’re gonna sulk if you make them.

What does the humiliating dance of “pick me!” look like?

• Mounting a defense of the marriage – trying to hard sell your cheater on What You Have Together.
  
• Eating the shit sandwich. Not bringing up the affair. Stuffing your emotions so as not to upset the cheater with your distress.
  
• Believing that the cheater’s need for “happiness” is paramount to the commitment they made to you. If they want to break that commitment, fine, there are honest ways to do that, beginning with a divorce lawyer. If they want to work on happiness, there is therapy, God, and working at pet shelters. But they cannot have all the benefits of marriage AND a side dish fuck because they aren’t “happy.”
  
• Let’s make a deal! Don’t make a bargain with the Devil – as long as you try harder to make the cheater happy and fix what’s wrong, they won’t betray you.
  
• Super spouse! Having hysterical bonding sex, going to the gym, and dressing spiffier. If you’re trying to be a better you to “win,” you’re just rewarding them. Be a better you for YOU. Your next partner will appreciate it a lot more than they will.
  
•  Finally, don’t beg. Don’t grab their ankles as they walk out the door. Don’t drape yourself over furniture weeping. Let them go. Let the door hit their ass on the way out.
  
  Good luck, I hope it works out for you. There is a book "Detach and Survive" on Amazon.com that I found very helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Detach-Survive-Self-Care-Midlife-Crisis-ebook/dp/B007XUDJVW
  
  I would also start getting your ducks in a row and making copies of everything financial related and even, possibly seeing an attorney just in case he picks her, not you. Move half your funds into an account he cant access. Move your heirlooms and valuables to your parents or a trusted friend. All jewelry goes into a safe deposit box at the bank as well as deeds, titles and certificates.
  
  ​

Good and good luck. Even though I ultimately decided to leave my ex, there was a short book that helped her come to terms with the extent of the damage she'd done, because she just wasnt 'getting it'. Here is link to purchase the book, but it can be found online as a free .pdf. It can be read in a single sitting, consider reading it together. Again, good luck.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

He had an affair. You need to go for marital counseling/therapy,. It will help, rather than brushing it under the carpet.

He needs to go No Contact. That's unconditional and should be forthcoming from him. He should be begging for a chance, doing whatever it takes. NC is the bare minimum. That he hasn't even done this is ridiculous.

She is not just a friend. You both should read this:
https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

He needs to be able to draw boundaries, he is acting like an idiot wimp as if he owes her something and she has a say despite them both crossing a line, he's too afraid of putting his foot down. It's like entertaining her is more important than your marriage.

Either that or he's lying to you about the nature of their relationship. Why is he entertaining someone who's still continuing to look for attention, shouldn't he not be tolerating such behavior from anyone from the get go?

If she's desperately in need of a friend, there are many fish in the sea, for friends too. She can start off fresh, try someone new where she can behave as an actual friend rather than a person who doesn't respect boundaries and screws up someones marriage.

And that she was in a EA isn't she married, has her husband been told? If not it's a good idea to let him know, you would want that if the situation was reversed right, it's the right thing to do.

/As long as she doesn't get what she wants she will disappear/ don't buy into this bs, it's either he's a wimp who can't put his foot down for his own marriage or he's lying to you, minimising and they're still continuing at some level. This is about your marriage. It's needs to be active from his side about cutting off, not passive with the ball in her court.

Exact same thing has happened to me. We're pushing year 3 of reconciliation. Forgiveness has taken me a long time to get to, but I am there. Unfortunately it also makes the conflict in this scenario much more complicated, as you no longer have that need to punish them looming over your thought processes.

The act of coming to terms with the infidelity as a symptom of your relationship troubles (rather than the cause) helps, and that was a step in reaching forgiveness for me. It gives you a lens through which it's easier to distinguish the difference between the person you thought WS was; and the person that they are.

All that said, I think it's perfectly normal to come out the other side and realize that -- no, unfortunately I do not love this person as much as I loved the illusion. There's all kinds of heartbreak and potential negativity from the WS in coming to that conclusion -- especially after a heartfelt attempt at reconciliation -- but it is what it is.

Take it from me: You cannot will those feelings to come back. I highly recommend talking with a therapist about this, as they can help you come to terms with what you really want. There's also a fantastic little book mine recommended. You can read it in about an hour. https://www.amazon.com/Knight-Rusty-Armor-Robert-Fisher/dp/0879804211

I used a cheap Sony https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06XFTWCBJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_9Ds3DbD1ZRA7J with a cheap external lavilier mic https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016C4ZG74/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_yFs3DbBWC4W8C. I hid it under the back seat because it was easy and this was my first attempt. I wasnt expecting anything. The audio wasn't great when the car was on the freeway because of external car noises. Next step was to remove the panel above the stereo and mount inside the dash. An external omnidirectional mic is necessary for good audio but will also pick up other sounds too so want to get it as close as possible.

I used Checkmate test https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001O8644S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_AKs3DbT0E88HM. This came with two tests but it the first test is positive... anyway, follow the instructions to the letter and you will be fine. Be patient don't rush the process. It's the same type of reagent used in rape kits so it works. Just in case I did use 4 controls in my group. I used a positive control I knew would react and 3 negative controls all using different materials.

Good luck, stay strong and remember, you may not like what you find.

Learning about this on my own as well. Has helped me understand myself and the cheater much better (no excuses). These books are also really helping me and are based on attachment as well.

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Abandonment-Recovery-Workbook-Guidance-Heartbreak/dp/160868427X

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Power-Attachment-Lasting-Intimate-Relationships/dp/1622038258/ref=sr_1_6?keywords=attachment&qid=1558025539&s=books&sr=1-6

I believe that this book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful is one of the best books for the unfaithful to learn what it will take on their part to truly heal and fix the damage they have done. I believe every betrayed spouse needs to read this book and share it with the betrayer and let them know that this is what it will take to make reparations. Please read this book!

There is one very good short book that WILL explain to you and her the things necessary for a reconciliation. This is required reading for all infidelity.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

My wife and I are wishing you the best...

There are great marriage classes on YouTube also, for the both of you alone and together. Don’t be afraid to reach out to her, she may take a while to message back, but she has put their lives out there just for purposes like this. Make your husband read this when he starts the classes.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

> There were even times that I blamed her and put this on her for allowing to happen.

This is the one case, assuming everything you've said is correct, where I might agree with you.

Your wife encouraged / was OK with the encounter. What was she actually upset with?

Assuming this is similar to infidelity - and again, "with permission" I'm not sure that it IS infidelity, but if you want to know what to expect and how to help her:
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Advice from "open relationship" couples might be more appropriate. The way your wife is reacting doesn't jive with you having permission.

Trickle truth is what my wife did to me. It took 2 months, and me pretending to be her talking to the guy to get the full truth. Here is the book that helped me a lot.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_12?keywords=just+friends&qid=1572357096&sr=8-12

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KoM0Bb4C3JQB8

Thank you. I feel for your pain. Many on this sub have found great partners post breakup. > https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001O8644S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_t1_AKs3DbT0E88HM

I’m so sorry. You are right to feel sad and angry. I read a book that might help you too. I did leave my cheating spouse so I can’t offer advice on saving the marriage but I can tell you in my case the pain is still there. I think therapy would be a smarter route if you are staying in your marriage. I didn’t get therapy and I think it would have helped a lot.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_PsIiDbKNF213Y