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Reddit mentions of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
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Reddit mentions: 153
We found 153 Reddit mentions of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. Here are the top ones.
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- Simon Schuster
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Specs:
| Height | 9 Inches |
| Length | 6 Inches |
| Number of items | 1 |
| Release date | March 2015 |
| Weight | 0.79 Pounds |
| Width | 1 Inches |
The other commenters here have had a lot of great advice, especially about you seeking external validation and being a bit over-devoted and expecting the same. It sounds a lot like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding expectations and the only thing that can fix that is communication. However, with how built-up this is for you, that is going to be very difficult. I'd really recommend you find some therapy for yourself to help arm you with tools to solve this and similar problems now and in the future.
Before you stray from your marriage or end it, you need to do some homework. See if you can get your wife reading the same things. First, read Come As You Are for a more nuanced understanding of the differences in types of sexual response patterns. Then, read Mating in Captivity for long-term relationship sparky sparks.
My wife and I were once in a similar situation to you and your husband, and we were able to turn it around completely, and now enjoy a really happy and fulfilling sex life -- a journey I described in detail in this post.
>For me however I don't desire sex. Maybe once a week I get a slight desire and it often comes and goes. He needs to get me in the mood, sometimes it works, most of the time I shut him down. Not because I don't want too but because I'm worried if I'm not in the mood it'll just feel uncomfortable. Even just light play.
This sounds frustrating, and I could totally see how you might worry that your libidos are "miss-matched" -- but that may not be the case. If you're like my wife, you might be feeling super stressed out about this, or even like you are somehow "broken." If so, that seems really painful and isolating.
I would offer, with a ton of respect, that I find the terms "low libido" and "high libido" to actually be pretty unhelpful and inaccurate ways to describe human sexuality. As you start to learn more about how our brains and sex drives work, you'll realize that these two terms are too simplistic, and I personally feel like they lead to a lot of hurt feelings and frustration.
The thing that changed her life (and by extension mine) is reading the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. [Check out this comic about it, it's a good intro.] Reading that thing, we realized that most women have what's called a 'dual control model' of sexual arousal, which is like gas and brake. For me and most guys, we can basically just step on the accelerator at a moments notice and get to the right RPM easily. For my wife and a lot of women, there can be a foot on the gas AND a foot on the brake, in the form of anything stressing them out (the house is a mess, my mom keeps texting me, the kid broke the thing, my husband hates our sex life and is going to leave me, etc.)
We also learned another life-changing idea -- responsive desire, which means that my wife's arousal is like a water heater. (Sorry to switch metaphors) Three minutes of gas, and the water is still fucking freezing. Is this the end of the world? Hardly. She is slow to heat up, but once she gets going (and her foot is off the brake) she can get to a scalding boil. But my strategy of, "I'll give it five minutes, then declare it broken and play games," was dooming me to a life of never getting laid ever again -- and never feeling intimacy again.
Also, for what it's worth, I'll push back against the advice to spend too much time on /r/DeadBedrooms. That subreddit is more like a support group and safe place to vent, particularly for "higher-libido" partners who feel unsatisfied. That's awesome that it exists, but it's also a bit of an echo chamber, and I worry it can foster more resentment than it cures. Just my experience.
If what I've written here is helpful, and you want to ask any follow up questions or would like more detail on any point, I'm happy to help how I can.
If you haven't read Come As You Are , I highly recommend it. It's not a Nirvana biography, it's a book about women's sexuality. Orgasms are talked about in depth. My IUD and antidepressants make it difficult for me to orgasm like I used to. This book really helped me understand what was going on and recognize tat I was having orgasms, just they are different than the screaming, shuddering ones in porn flicks. I'm much more ok with not having those every time and knowing what I want from sex. Like you said, there are times when I don't come and the sex is fucking incredible. Sometimes I want to remember every detail, and if I'm focused on coming, I can't do that.
Sexual assault when she was younger is unlikely to STILL be making her vagina and clitoris physically sore, but unresolved psychological trauma can definitely inhibit arousal, and physical stimulation of such sensitive parts without psychological arousal can easily be too much sensation and feel unpleasant.
I think she needs to talk to a counselor or therapist to make sure she's spent some time dealing with leftover problems from her abuse.
When that's been addressed, I suggest you both read Come As You Are ( http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 ), which introduces a great "accelerator and brake" metaphor for arousal that makes it much easier to communicate with your lover.
Be patient and good luck!
Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. It's the owners manual for female bodies and sexuality.
Covers everything from practical sex info, building healthy relationships, recovering after unhealthy ones, communication, wellness, confidence, self esteem, safety, trauma, and emotional healing. For straight/bi/gay women (and she's working on expanding for transwomen).
Standard Responses:
Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.
Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.
All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.
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EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.
I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.
My SO and I have been together for nearly 28 years and the sex has been terrific for almost all of that time.
However, we actually HAD a DB, during the third year we were together. We discovered that the kind of sex that worked for us at the beginning was not sustainable. During those first two years, we had pretty normal high-intensity sex almost every night. At first, the NRE and the thrill of having passionate sex with a wonderful man was enough to carry me along.
But as the NRE wore off, as I came under more stress from other things, as we both came under a lot more time pressure, and as sex became more of a routine, I stopped getting much pleasure from it. I would get barely aroused and then be left hanging, and eventually even the arousal part dwindled to nothing. It started to feel actively unpleasant and I started looking for excuses to avoid it, even though I loved him with all my heart and really, really didn't want to lose him.
We did a lot of research and experimentation, and solved what turned out to be a multi-sided problem, including communication and stress management. But the most important change was adopting a completely different approach to sex itself. We did sensate focus therapy/sensual massage therapy for months. We also learned to meditate, and then started doing tantric sex on a regular basis.
This has become the anchor of our week. We try hard to block out time every Sunday morning that is just for each other. Within that, each tantra session we do is about 3 to 3.5 hours. It's terrific sex: intense, passionate, orgasmic, loving, joyful, and fun. It's a way of telling each other at an almost cellular level how much we love each other and love giving each other pleasure.
I've written a lot about ways to sustain the passion in a long-term relationship, with an emphasis on edging, sensual massage, and tantric sex. Here are some links that others have found helpful:
If things have gotten stale, sensate focus therapy is probably the best way for couples to reconnect at both the physical level and the emotional level. You can do it with the help of a sex therapist or do it on your own:
Some books you might want to check out:
This is a collection of articles I wrote about having better sex; it includes several articles on erotic massage, including reviews of videos and a website (OMG Yes!!!) that demonstrate excellent technique:
For couples who are interested in going beyond erotic massage, this article is an overview of the secular (non-religious) kind of tantric sex:
...and this is a book-length instruction manual that is online and free:
I hope this helps!
And there it is. Change of circumstance. Circumstance plays a huge part in female sexuality. Have you ever heard the classic joke advice about how to get your wife to have more sex with you--Do the laundry, do the dishes. A woman seeing her husband step up to help her out with taking care of the home can put her in a different mindset and get her motor running. Obviously this varies from person to person. A different wife might get stressed out by her husband doing the laundry (he's not folding clothes the right way! etc).
How is she supposed to "try harder?" She's just going to suddenly want sex more by sheer willpower? Nope. You two need to educate yourselves more on sexuality, sex drives, and get to know the circumstances under which you do and do not feel turned on. I recommend Mating In Captivity for both of you and Come As You Are for her.
Recognize that this is a problem and without concrete efforts to educate and reframe the situation, nothing will change. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. But it sounds like you are both willing to try, and that's what is most important.
The BEST BEST BEST book either my partner or I have ever read about all of this is Come As You Are . Get it. Read it. Make your partner read it.
It will change your sex life. We recommend it to everyone. (And it covers arousal, which is why it’s relevant here).
You have a very special wife. She's admitted to you that she has a lower drive than you but she is still right there with you, having, and enjoying, sex 3-5 times a week. Never take that for granted. I know it's fantastic to feel desired and wanted by a partner that can't wait to tear your clothes off and throw you on the bed, but that's just not what some people do. The fact that after all these years your wife is still an active and enthusiastic participant in your sex life is her showing you how much she wants and desires you.
I think you might both benefit from reading Come as You Are, which explains Responsive Desire. It's not a reflection on you at all, it's just the way some people work sexually, and there's nothing wrong with it. Knowing what it is, and how it works can make a world of difference.
You should also read come as you are
Your statements seem more shaming her for having responsive sexual arousal when in fact75% of women do. So it sounds like your shaming her by saying her natural type is wrong because it’s not like the mostly male spontaneous type.
It shouldn’t all be on you, he needs to be an active participant as well. I only provide suggestions for you because you can control your own actions.
I’m currently reading Come As You Are. It’s pretty popular lately, and might be an interesting read for you both.
I loved Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are
Really, in depth and it's only been out about a year so very up to date (you'd be surprised how much still isn't known!) And just a lot of stuff you don't hear in sex ed or even in typical sex books. It covers just about everything you mentioned and a lot more. I even was able to rent the eBook from my library but I loved it so much I bought it.
Also check out Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It's a really good look into female sexuality and deals with the exact issues you're describing.
Hey! I looked through the comments and did not see any suggestions to help with your situation. Here's my suggestion:
I recommend the book "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski, where the concepts of SES and SIS (Sexual Excitation System and Sexual Inhibition System) are explained, as well as some ways to deal with a sensitive SES, which you seem to have.
Also, check out this link, where you can fill out an inventory to learn about your SES and SIS.
I don't have your problem, but your situation was mentioned in the book and it sounds exactly like you. I'm hoping that these resources will be very helpful for you!
Appreciate the hat tip to www.ohjoysextoy.com, /u/Lynx_Rufus.
Her posts covering Dr. Emily Nagoski's research are fantastic.
The book is wonderful as well. I'm not surprised it's the #1 best seller in its category.
Step 1 in solving any relationship problem, they have to care. They have to want to solve the problem. Nothing you throw at them, make them read, beg, plead, bargain, cajole, trick them.. wont stick if they just dont feel like changing because they have no need to change, you're never gonna leave right?
Anyway, Come as you are and She comes first both with ridiculous fruit on the cover, if he actually wants to pleasure you.
You should both was the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. It will give you a very good understanding of why this is.
I'll start with this: So many women, including myself, HAVE HAD THE MISFORTUNE of having had miserable sexual relationships with a man-child who was willfully ignorant and selfish in bed. I suggest that you grow up and educate yourself for the next woman who stumbles into your life, after this one hopefully dumps you, if you don't learn to please her.
Your inexperience could be excused, your selfishness CANNOT. She knows you have very little patience for her pleasure and needs. It's all about you. You're not really listening to her or asking her what works for her; she's having to ask youto care about her needs, as if it's a chore. She wouldn't just lie and say you're "not trying enough" if it weren't true. You're obviously not really paying attention when she does try to show you with her own hand. You're just, literally, going through the motions, moving your hand repetitively (maybe even too roughly which is why your hand's getting tired), just to say you tried. Poor little you.
Many women can't get aroused or get anywhere near orgasm if the guy is obviously annoyed or uninterested in doing what it takes to give her pleasure. She knows you're thinking she's taking too long and it makes her anxious, and then even less about to focus on any sensations, such as oral. That's precisely why she says she doesn't feel anything when you go down on her. She's probably unable to get out of her anxious head and into the sensations; or you don't know what you're doing because she doesn't want to tell you how. It's fine that you don't know how to please her orally, women are all different. She should feel free to tell you, but she knows you won't remember, because you're already impatient. My guess? You'll go down for a ridiculously short amount of time (less than 10 min, BTW avg time to come is longer for most women during oral), then complain that your:
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You've probably already given her the idea that there's something wrong with HER, and not you. I'm sure she makes certain YOU always cum. Right? You've probably given her a complex which is very hard to shake for many women.
Did you know that almost all women need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm? Or that almost all women require a minimum of 20 minutes of foreplay (Look that word up, since you obviously have no idea what it is) before they're even aroused enough for penetration? Hence, even if lubricated, some women find penetration painful if their vaginas haven't become engorged with blood aka erect (like a guy's erection, yes we get internal erections).
So, as she's finally about to come, you just gave up cause you're sweaty? Almost ALL women who get to the edge (unless intentionally ‘edging’) of an orgasm, whose lover then stops, lose almost all arousal, then the whole arousal process has to build up again. Question for you? How would you like it if, every time you were just about to come, she just stopped, and left you hanging? Great, huh? Obviously not, because later in your post, you say you got mad at her, cause she selfishly said it hurt and wanted to stop before you could get your rocks off. I can't even believe you admitted this.
This is repulsive-
"Last time she stopped me because it hurt, I got annoyed because I felt like we were just wasting time. I see her just a few days a month anyway. I wanted to cum and she made a weird face and started crying." W.T.F.?
If she foolishly wastes another minute of her precious time on you, you need to read about foreplay, specifically for women, female genital anatomy and sexual response. Find it in yourself to give a fuck about learning to give her pleasure, learn to enjoy giving it, as much as receiving it. If not, she should dump you and find a decent grown-up man.
And file your goddamn nails. That is, file them, run them across the inside of your cheeks (the closest thing to her vaginal walls). If you feel zero edges, good job. If not, file some more.
Buy this book for yourself. You can't afford not to. It's a good start to learning how to give her oral.
"She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)"
https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
Buy this book for you and her to read together. It'll seem like you care.
"Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life" (Nagoski)
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
since it is matriarchy monday, I'm going to recommend this book to anyone who is a woman or likes to fuck women. I haven't finished it yet but its pretty good so far.
Pour les anglophones, ou les anglo-liseurs en tout cas, je ne peux que recommander la lecture de Come as you are, de Emily Nagosky.
Le bouquin peut avoir un aspect rebutant parce que, en bon best-seller US, il fait la part belle, sur la forme, au scientisme et à la recette miracle.
Mais franchement il m'a ouvert les yeux sur beaucoup de chose sur le fonctionnement du désir et de la libido, en particulier féminine, et sur les tenants et aboutissants de la semi- "dead bedroom" dans laquelle je me débats avec ma copine depuis plusieurs années.
Si tu es une nana qui n'arrive pas à jouir, un mec qui se demande pourquoi sa nana n'arrive pas à jouir, si tu ne comprends pas pourquoi ton partenaire n'a jamais envie quoi que tu fasses, si tu culpabilises d'avoir moins de désir que ton partenaire, si tu veux juste comprendre comment fonctionne ton cerveau / ton désir... lis Emily Nagosky !
[EDIT] : Mais pourquoi il n'est as encore traduit en français!?
If you want a good read (or audio book) for both you and your partner read Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are". It explains a lot about different folks arousal levels through the dual control model and differences and strategies that help a lot. Plus, you know, science.
There are many issues with this mentality.
First, most women do not come from penetration alone. It is common for women to touch themselves or use a toy during sex to get off. If it’s been a year, he is not learning your body. By not allowing you to touch yourself, it’s preventing you from orgasming.
I wonder if he has the same concern I had when I started using toys. If I use a toy, then what is the guy’s purpose? When I asked my sex partner this question, he brushed his fingers on my arm and said his purpose was that. Yes, I can orgasm by myself and with or without a toy. The sex partner is there to share the experience, to touch me in ways I can’t touch myself. I can’t caress my own arm and he can. I can’t cuddle myself after and he can. So your boyfriend’s role isn’t to get you off (which he is failing at), but to share the experience with you.
Second, orgasm is not the most important part of sex. People’s myopic focus on orgasm can ruin sex. Is the orgasm for you or for him? Focusing on orgasms as an end goal ironically can hinder one’s ability to orgasm. The stress of deliberately pushing oneself to orgasm is not conducive to orgasms.
I want to tell you what I wished had been told to me: it’s ok if you don’t orgasm. There is nothing wrong with you. I never faked it with my first boyfriend and he never got me to orgasm. And he convinced me I was broken. I wasn’t. He just couldn’t get me to orgasm. I have had many partners since and only a few have been able to get me to orgasm. It takes a lot of practice, patience, and experience to get me to orgasm. And it’s ok. It’s just how my body works.
You need to stop faking it for your sake. Im the long run, I was grateful I never faked it with my first. I guarantee you will never have an orgasm with him if he doesn’t know that what he’s doing is not working. From his point of view, he is great at sex because you always orgasm. You will need to be honest and say that the sex is great and it feels nice and you like it, but you don’t orgasm.
Lastly, I recommend reading “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski. I wished I had read it when I was 20 instead of 30s.
There is a case study in her book of a woman who didn’t orgasm during sex. The thing she had her clients do was take orgasm out of the equation. You can have all the fun and sex, but no orgasming is allowed. The idea is that then you can focus on the other aspects of sex. I highly recommend the book to both you and your boyfriend.
Definitely read into the concept of Responsive Desire, or even just read the full book Come As You Are. It's helped me a lot in a somewhat similar situation.
My wife and I had a minor blowup a month or so ago. I felt for a very long time that she was just "indulging" me in sex and didn't really want it, despite us having a very active sex life. I thought that since she wasn't chasing me around begging for dick, she wasn't attracted to me.
Instead, she's just a lot more reactive than proactive compared to me. The best analogy I was given was popcorn. You can really like popcorn, but you might not think about popcorn all the time. But when you smell that fresh popcorn smell, the butter, hear it popping, walk into a movie theater, or something else that triggers that popcorn urge, you can really enjoy it.
My perspective was way off, and my understanding of sex drive or libido was uninformed. You can look at a couple of my early threads here if you want.
Have half a dozen:
The first two are in print. The next two are out of print, but almost always available in good condition from Amazon. And the last two are free online.
I highly recommend all of these.
I don't know if there will be a next time for you, but if there is, these 2 books might be helpful for that next guy:
Come as You Are,
She Comes First.
Some men can learn to do better.
There's a really interesting book, Come As You Are, by Emily Nagoski. It talks about how all people have both a libido accelerator, but also libido brakes. Knowing your brakes can help you to identify how to change your libido.
Let me suggest this amazing book that talks about just this issue. Emily Negowski wrote this book to women for women. Emily also wrote a follow up to this book. Breaking the stress cycle or something. It also comes in audiobook. Please check it out. This information is so key for us men to understand. I had so many issues with the “breaks” in my last marriage that it just drove us a part. If we have language around these things then we can communicate better on how to overcome it.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Y9jWCbNY987XP
Also, female sexual boredom is a real thing! Dr. Wednesday Martin talks about this a lot!
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/women-get-bored-sex-long-term-relationships/582736/
It's tough to offer any kind of advice for your situation because you talk in a lot of generalities.
However, my wife and I have struggled quite a bit over the last few years and it sucks. I feel like things are getting better, but there are always mis-steps even on the up-swing.
If your wive really has checked out, there's not much you can do. It takes two to make a couple.
However. You can work on yourself. In so doing, you might find that it helps your relationship. Or it might not. But even if your relationship falls apart, you will be in a much better space to cope with that and move on -- as difficult as it seems right now.
So, here's my suggestions ... things that I have been doing and reading over the last couple of years that have really helped me.
https://www.headspace.com/
http://stronglifts.com/
http://altshiftdiet.com/
https://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/1451663889/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568476&sr=1-1&keywords=how+to+talk+so+kids+will+listen+%26+listen+so+kids+will+talk
https://www.amazon.com/People-Skills-Yourself-Resolve-Conflicts/dp/067162248X
https://np.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/538uat/mismatched_couples/d7r5hys
https://www.amazon.com/Never-Split-Difference-Negotiating-Depended/dp/0062407805/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1474568493&sr=1-1&keywords=chris+voss
http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1436544375&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
Anyway, those are my suggestions and have helped me immensely. Take what you think will work for you. Ignore the rest.
Best of luck!
While you are waiting for the therapist, perhaps the book Come As You Are could help her feel more at ease with her own sexuality.
It's too soon to jump to the conclusion that you are technically inept. If she does not know how her own body works, there is no way for her to guide you to being the partner she needs. Support and encourage her while she figures herself out, and hopefully she will get to a place where she can tell, and show, you what she needs.
You seem really frustrated and I feel like I actually have some useful information to offer, so I'm sorry if this feels obnoxious, but hopefully you'll gain something from it.
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I'm the low libido one in my relationship. I had a lot of "serious talks" with my husband about it over the years. He wants more. I want to want more, but don't know how. I convince myself I'll make it happen. Do all kinds of things like get sexy underwear and wear them daily so I'm reminded to think about sex. We have subtle signals for "I want to have sex today" so we don't have to tell each other "Want some sex?" shit like that. It bothers me when my husband tries to initiate while I'm trying to take care of things that have to be done. I ask him to stop. Etc. and so on.
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The issue was that we were misidentifying the problems involved. Yeah, all that stuff was true, but it wasn't *the* issue. I needed therapy. Like, a shit ton of it. I have a history of sexual trauma and it has my relationship with sex all fucked up. Besides that, I've been with my husband for ~15 years and all the habits and resentment and fear we have with each other around sex have been building and reinforcing themselves in cycles for that whole time. So trying to come up with these small solutions when the problems were much deeper, ingrained emotional shit, made no real difference, and we were stuck in our useless, frustrating cycles.
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I'm not saying your husband has sexual trauma. He might, he might not. He may be ace or depressed like another commenter said, but it's a big assumption to say it has to be one of those. It may just be that he has low libido. But if he really wants to change and it's not working, it's possible there's a deeper issue you guys are missing. And if you keep trying to solve the small problems, you'll never get to the big ones. I also really recommend the book Passionate Marriage for both of you. It's a little self-congratulatory, but it has some good ideas that can really change the way you think about your interactions with your husband, and maybe break some of those frustrating cycles. Another book that really helped me was Come As You Are, which is geared towards women but includes science that applies to men as well, and I think would help any low-libido partner get a handle on what's happening with their sex drive.
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I wish you luck, happiness, and satisfying sex.
I've seen a few guys post on here women can't have an orgasm from sex :-| One comment was, "Just focus on yourself getting off, women can't get off from sex anyway. WTF. Women appear to be losing ground.
Clearly more research needs to be done on the subject, but then the information needs to be shared.
Current we have https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1476762090/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1480719452&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=come+as+you+are
This isn't trouble! There is nothing wrong with you! Most women do not come from vaginal penetration alone. You are not defective! (And it's possible some of those other women were faking orgasm, which is a thing some women do, you know?)
I'm sure you all can have a lot of fun exploring this, but it needs to start from loving yourself, and your husband loving you, not from a place of thinking there's something wrong with you.
A few books that might help you learn to love your body and your sexuality:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Woman: An Intimate Geography by Natalie Angier
Hey, I'm not a doctor but I am involved in sex education. Two things:
One: I don't know why you feel how you feel, obviously, but I can tell you you're normal. You're not broken, and in fact you're in good company. If you haven't yet, I am sure you could find support groups online, if you just want someone to commiserate with. I know that doesn't fix anything, but it's worth saying. It sucks, and I'm sorry.
Two: The question of "How does my desire work?" is specific to you and your experience. There is no global reason. So, while I can't hand you an answer (I wish I could) I can tell you that you have all the information you need to begin exploring this question for yourself. Not for your husband. Not for public scrutiny. For you. It's hard and frustrating and unfair you're going through this, but it's not magic. I promise.
As for how to even begin exploring that question, there is a really, really good book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski that I would beg you to read. It is not a quick-fix kind of book, but it's also not a gimmick. It explains a lot of (recent!) science of human sexuality in very clear terms, and gives guidelines for how to explore those in yourself. It explains how your brain understands desire and all the things that affect it. Oh, and the writing is very clear, sometimes outright silly. There's a sample of the audiobook up online as well. Dr. Nagoski has a blog called The Dirty Normal, which is less in-depth but still worth checking out.
I think this book is so useful that I don't lend it out: I buy it for people. It changed the course of my life (I know that sounds cheesy). But you've been to therapy and switched birth control and put so much time and effort and money into this, it's obviously important for you. So I hope suggesting a book is not too much of a stretch on your patience.
I wish you the best of luck <3
Read this book immediately.
I (26/f) have the same issue. I've talked to a ton of doctors and tried birth controls, no birth controls, antidepressants, having sex more frequently, and exercise. Honestly, the thing that helped the most is exercising regularly. Not just walking on a treadmill but lifting weights. Something about getting the blood pumping and working up a sweat increases my sex drive more than anything else. I've heard that some people recommend supplements but I don't think there is enough research out there proving they work.
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Check out the book Come As You Are. It'll help!
So I just finished Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and cannot recommend it enough. She really helps break down women’s sexuality in a way that makes you feel enlightened afterward. Give it a read, it will help.
Read Come As You Are as a a starting point.
I want to recommend a book to you. It's called "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski Ph.D. (which you can buy on Amazon for like $12).
I read this book last year and it's been hugely beneficial to me in discovering/exploring my sexuality. The author is incredibly knowledgeable and has the science to back it up.
Specifically, there's a part in this book that I thought of when I read your post. The author talks in depth about how women and men have different means of arousal. For a man, the idea of sex is enough to turn him on. Women, however, require a little more. Simply thinking about having sex isn't enough to get them totally prepared/in the mood. Instead, women have more of a "responsive desire" where there needs to be some foreplay for them to respond to, then the desire is there.
I'm probably doing a terrible job summarizing the key points she hits but I seriously can't recommend this book enough to you. Here's an interview she did with NPR. If you find it interesting then I think her book would be enormously helpful.
You might find reading Come As You Are helpful.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awd_7tfNwbVA6EJ10
Come As You Are is a straightforward scientific approach to understanding sex drive, cultural body shaming of women, sexual anatomy/homology, and how to approach and resolve disparate sex drives in relationships (for everyone).
I wish this book had been given to me in high school health class. It's written for women, but it is very accessible for men, too. For myself, it is a fantastic framework for understanding heterosexual sexuality. The author is quick to point out that it's not as applicable to LGBTQ relationships for lack of data (which she is disappointed about).
Great read for anyone interested in these topics!
There’s a book specifically about the barriers of orgasm by a sex health scholar Emily Nagoski titled Come As You Are. If you’re unable to purchase it, your local library may have it as an ebook to rent.
Book link via Amazon
I second the book recommendation.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
The book "come as you are" changed my wife and I. It is fantastic. I highly recommend it if you are at this point and want to save it. But he has to be open to reading it as well.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1476762090/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1484078707&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=cum+as+you+are&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=41lL2PcRgfL&amp;ref=plSrch
Edit: Added link
Not that I have any answers but I have two books that might help some:
Intimacy and Desire - http://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426091676&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=intimacy+and+desire
This books first chapter talks about no matter what in a relationship there is always a High Need person and a low need person and the low need person will always control the sex. No matter what that is how it is. Now here is what to do about it.
The other is Come as you are - http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1426091799&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski
This on goes into the science of how your body works and letting you know that you are normal and explaining how things work.
Good Luck
Hi, I also have testosterone and the opposite of your libido so I can't help you out from experience, but you might like to read "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. She talks about low sex drives in a very helpful way. Here is a quick TL;DR of what most of the book is about in comic form.
In general it's a really good book about sexuality (especially women's sexuality), talks about having a low libido very positively and affirmingly, easy to read through, has some exercises/quizzes to make you think about yourself, and has real life examples of couples that agreed to be part of the book. I'd recommend it to anyone, but sounds like it could really help with your predicament :) Also IMO it couldn't hurt to see a therapist again even if your worked through everything about your assault - even if it's just once and you confirm that's a chapter you've closed.
There's a book called Come As You Are that explains the difference in libido and needs between the genders well.
My libido has always caused problems. It functions identical to /r/demisexuality. My drive is "off" for partners until I trust them and feel safe and then it's "on" the way the average woman's drive is. Once my libido is engaged, I have high libido of wanting 2-4 daily (minimum 1) sexual encounters with my partner.
The problem is the time it takes to transition from off to on is too intolerable and cockblock-esque for pretty much every man I've met. You drive them neurotic with your inability to complete the sexual encounter, and then you're both frustrated.
Not just for this one night but more for your long term I recommend reading “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_wZV3Db75DSJY8
Check out Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are for some really insightful information about the differences between physical and mental arousal in female bodied people.
Would you be interested in reading a book? Come as You Are. Maybe also investigate /r/sexualanhedonia
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski really helped me out! There is an entire workbook component and everything!
How was your sex life prior to marriage? Does this mark a change in how things were since before marriage/living together?
I ask because depending on how things were before marriage this might seem like a let down to you but seem normal to her. If you guys were only seeing each other and having sex once a week before you moved in together to her it might not feel like things are any different because its technically the same frequency. For you on the other hand it seems like not nearly enough because you see her all the time and have to deal with not getting sex with her as much as you want. Before if you only saw her once a week it was still the same amount of sex but you didn't have the frustration of ever being around her and not having sex. Let me know if I'm off base because this wasn't mentioned in the post.
The anxiety and depression is a tough one and a big part of the problem. You guys are going to have to come to a mutual understanding and meet in the middle here. I would also try to work on getting her medical issues dealt with. Depression is not easy to deal with and it likely makes it incredibly difficult for her to have the motivation to do anything in terms of daily life tasks and that includes sex. You add issues with the pain from the headaches and its no wonder she doesn't feel sexy. Try to relax that this isn't personal to you or a reflection on her attraction to you. I know its hard, I too use sex as a language through which to communicate intimacy so not having that feels incredibly painful. Its hard to deal with but her rejection is not personal. See what you can do to help her deal with working through the physical pain because pain will put the breaks on her feeling sexy and make it difficult for her to get into the mood at all. In terms of understanding libido and how external factors affect it "Come as You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski is a really good summary of the research on this topic. Its backed by science but still accessible. You could look into it for more insight into what your partner is experiencing.
That said she needs to see your side too. I know for her she probably feels inadequate because she is struggle both to deal with her own needs and her guilt over not being able to satisfy yours. While she should know that this is really painful to you she should also know you recognize that she is trying and its hard. If this was simply about pure physical release for you then you wouldn't be having such a hard time and feeling so much pain over this. This is about using sex as a way to connect intimately with her and the fact that sex is the act which makes you feel most loved by her. You guys need to talk about this. I know the language is hard but that's why I'm trying to give you descriptions of what it feels like on both sides and resources so you can have ways to explain it. Not having the words is what makes "communication" hard. Yes communicate is the message and posters who say that are right, but what you need are the words which is what I'm trying to include here.
Also consider other ways of sharing sexual intimacy that don't pressure full on piv sex as the end game. If she is feeling uncomfortable, in pain, or self-conscious its going to be hard to get her into it. I have a high drive but if I'm stressed or tired the act of opening myself up to get into something like piv sex which requires relaxing and getting physically aroused is kind of intimidating. Sometimes that feels like too much but I'm happy to just use hands, do oral sex, or even just cuddle my partner while he masturbates and help him through it. Any of those acts are going to involve some sharing of intimacy and connection but initiating them is not as much pressure as knowing that if you get involved you're going to be expected to do full on sex where you receive penetration (maybe its just me but I find that getting warmed up and into that is much more involved then giving or receiving oral). For your girlfriend oral might be too much but you could always just use your fingers or a vibrator on her instead. You guys could also shower together. In this situation it takes the pressure off and becomes about the journey. You could either enjoy the act within itself or you may find she gets into it and eventually does want to have more involved types of sex. Either way you are sharing intimacy in a way together that is less pressure on you both and will satisfy a need for connection you have without requiring as much of a commitment to getting aroused for her that may not happen if she is feeling too anxious/depressed or in pain to fully immerse herself in her arousal.
I highly recommend Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are - she has her PhD in health behavior with a focus in human sexuality. This book goes a long way in normalizing the variations in arousal and desire, and also offers great vocab and tips for how to wrap your own head around it and how to discuss it with others. I could definitely see this being helpful for you and your partner.
To be fair, our sex drive is regulated (if that's the right word?) or managed differently, if I recall correctly the most prevalent theory these days is spontaneous desire (most common in men) versus responsive desire (most common in women). It's like 2 cars with the same amount of gas (the sex drive), both can have the gas pedal floored but if one has the brakes on, it won't go as far as the other. Women tend to pile on the brakes more easily.
/r/deadbedrooms has a surprising amount of info on the topic specifically because they deal with those differences on a daily basis (I got redirected there to read a lot).
Google has a lot to say about the theory and if you're interested in something more concrete, check out "Come As You Are"
I'm still not convinced that these more subtle differences aren't attributable to biology though.
Can I recommend a book? I'm about halfway through this: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 and it's a really good read. Great reminder about how we are all unique but totally normal.
The way we view libido is very odd, and for women, it's usually based in using the male libido as our baseline.
This is a good view of women's libido and sexual response. I love this book so much: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
There's a great book called "Come As You Are" that I recommend
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
You fundamentally misunderstand how most women work, I’d suggest this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1549015785&amp;sr=8-1&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&amp;keywords=come+as+you+are&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51rED9IapzL&amp;ref=plSrch
For learning about sexuality in general I also recommend the following reading material, post haste!
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Sex, sexuality, and porn especially can be tricky topics to navigate when you haven't engaged with much material, and when you're not sure about yourself and sex. Before tackling porn, which as your friend has aptly picked up on can be very ideologically problematic, I would recommend your friend get comfortable with just herself and her own sexuality. Have her do her own research, reading, exploring. Let her figure out what she likes.
When she's up for it, for more inclusive porn, start trawling tumblr! She'll be able to really tailor her experience and curate her tastes, without having to commit to watching things she might not be comfortable with. There is some serious quality erotica on there, mostly in .gif and photographic form, most of it original, which is inclusive, feminist, empowering, artistic, and just down right sexy. You'll have to hunt for the blogs you like (and be warned, there is still a lot of tumblr porn which just parrots the mainstream professional porn industry content) but once you find one, you'll find that blogs with similar content link/repost to each other.
Anyway, good luck to you and your friend! Power to you for trying to help with her experience! :) Happy hunting
This book is fantastic! Also Come As You Are if she's interested in really digging in about sexuality.
First off, everyone is different. Every vulva and vagina is wired up a little differently. There are different concentrations of nerve endings in the perineum, vagina, and clitoris. Different techniques and things are gonna feel better to some than they do to others simply because of how you are individually wired up.
Second, we all have different acceleration and brake speeds. Accellerators are like turn-ons that get you going. But turn-offs or brakes come in two major groups: hand brake (like a constant drag) and a foot brake (stop right now). These things can be really sensitive for some and really insensitive for others creating different rates of arousal. They also work in combination where if you have some of your brakes on despite having lots of exciting accelerators, then there is gonna be a slower ramp up than if all your brakes were off. Things as simple as stress can be huge brakes for people. The goal is to turn all of the offs off and all of the ons on.
Third, physical reaction does not correlate with sexual desire or arousal. It is entirely possible for you to be really turned on and ready to go but not super wet. It is also possible for you to have an orgasm and not enjoy it or have no orgasm and still really enjoy it. Mostly what our body is saying is this is sexually relevant. But it has nothing to do with how you feel.
Fourth, a lot of sex is learned repetitive behavior. If you've had a lot of sex with masturbation or penetration, your body may be used encountering sex in that form. It may not react the same when you encounter it in other forms. The good news is you can retrain your body to respond in a way you desire through repetitive action to retrain.
Fifth, a lot of emotional stuff can interact with how your body and mind relate to sex. Shame around sex can be pretty common and may come up in strange areas you didn't expect. If something is off, it could be possible you have something from your past affecting things.
Sixth, sexual, romantic, and emotional attractions are all separate spectrums that are aligned for some but not for others. If you like having sex with men but enjoy being in relationships with women that is totally cool. It is also okay for this to shift as your understanding changes or as you grow.
Finally, this all just adds to understanding your own body and how it works. Because it is unique comparing to others may be less effective than exploring to figure out what is best for you. It is entirely okay for you to be however you are and is not necessarily an indicator of your sexuality. That comes from your feelings. This stuff can be tricky so just try to be gentle with yourself.
If you are interested in more info here are some resources:
Vagina by Naomi Wolf
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
Girl Sex 101 by Alison Moon and KD Diamond
Sexplanations YouTube channel and podcast by Dr. Lindsey Doe
So, I'm not a doctor by any means, so take it with a grain of salt. But sex is a mental experience just as much as a physical one, and it sounds like your mental experience of sex is that it is universally a failure, so any sexual encounters you have will always be a failure. Arousal always equals disappointment, so you can never stay aroused because why? Ruling out a physical cause, which you should not do yet until you see an OBGYN, I think you would greatly benefit from a redefining of what it means for you to be sexual. You may need long, slow, patient sex with a lot of foreplay and sexual tension buildup to make the arousal strong enough to last you through sex, and that's ok! Hopefully your boyfriend is willing to go through this journey with you.
I very much recommend a sexual therapist, but if you want to try reading up on some stuff, I have some recommendations that may put you on the right path:
https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/sensate-focus-katie-fleming/ - Sensate focus is the practice of slowly, deliberately getting to know your and your partner's body in a sensual, not sexual way. It takes away the pressure, and just lets you explore eachother until you are ready. You could spend hours on just touching if you wanted to, and pet me tell you, it is a lovely feeling.
https://www.ohjoysextoy.com/figuring-out-how-to-orgasm-by-bingo/ - It can feel unbelievably isolating and embarrassing when you feel like you can't cum for someone, even yourself. But it's so much more common and normal than you think. And when you figure out what it is that does get you there, it's easy to feel like it'd be too much of a hassle for your partner to learn. But they love you, and they want you to feel the way you make them feel.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_UT-nDbPT9JQ7F - This sounds like a clickbait title, but it really is the real deal. This book can help you identify your sexual mindscape and behaviors and teach you how to navigate it for maximal satisfaction. Everyone is different, everyone has a normal that works for them, all they have to do is release their shame about it.
Also, I cannot stress this enough, servicing him is not making him happy, so don't do things you don't get anything out of just to make him happy. He said he doesn't want you to just do things for him, he wants you to like it. I'm not saying that to pressure you; I'm saying that because the last thing you want to do if you ever want to have a healthy outlook on sex and have a healthy sex life is to resign yourself to being a sexual servent for your partner's amusement because your fun factory is out of order. You want to see yourself as a sexual being deserving of pleasure, and have your man in your corner doing everything he can to find your happy place so you both can get there together.
Best of luck with everything 💜
OP answered me above - it's from the book "Come As You Are."
I recommend Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life -- Amazon Link.
Here's a tongue-in-cheek review of it from Huffington Post to give you a sense of whether it will be helpful for you -- Huffington Post Link.
And here's the author speaking at a TEDx -- Youtube Link
Ask if she'd be willing to read something like "Come As You Are" together as a project or conversation starter. http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 Seems like it could be helpful
Straight away, I'm going to recommend you first read or listen to Emily Nagoski's book "Come as you are":
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
A discreet audiobook version is available here, DRM free:
https://www.downpour.com/come-as-you-are?sp=122597
In the meantime if you search online for Emily Nagoski's TED talks, videos, podcasts and blog, she also discusses the key themes of the book.
You are perfectly normal. I'd suggest reading "[Come As You Are] (https://smile.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090)" by Emily Nagoski. It has psychological ideas that most books miss and is written in a friendly, but still informative, style. I learned a lot about differences in sexual psychology from it and everybody I've recommended it to has come away having learned something new and empowering.
Edit: Link to Emily's website [the dirty normal] (http://www.thedirtynormal.com/)
Edit 2: Link to Emily's [TED talk] (http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2016/02/12/my-tedx-talk-unlocking-the-door-to-your-authentic-sexual-wellbeing/)
Check out Come As You Are
I have the perfect book. [Come As You Are] (http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090) by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. The book details everything about women's sexuality, from how our bodies work, to how to heal from sexual trauma, how culture and media shape our ideas about sex, and how so much of sex is tied to our mental well being (and how to increase mental health and self esteem to have a better sex life). The title suggests it's a book for spicing up sex life but it's totally not. It's half science and half therapy. Really great read.
This is from my experience as a sub within an already established marriage. I have always had a hard time orgasming, and overall had a rough relationship with my sexuality, low libido, and a lot of anxiety about satisfying my husband. After a few health changes over the last few years, things got better in those departments and one thing we found works pretty well is for me to masturbate for him. As we began to integrate D/s into our sex life (which also helps my anxiety greatly for several reasons), he tells me when he wants me to make myself orgasm, which I can now fairly reliably do. Another thing that has helped is his genuine acceptance of my telling him that pleasing him makes me very very happy and I truly don't fret about orgasming for myself within the context of our sexual experience.
Also, check out Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are. It helped me learn a lot about anxiety, drive, and inhibition.
YTA. You're uncomfortable bringing it up, so you know it's not in the clear.
As an aside, you should look up 'responsive desire' and both read Come As You Are.
Congrats on waiting!! For the 3 month mark I think you are doing OK. Do you feel comfortable using oral sex on her? (my wife can't come unless I do).
First, She should see a OBGYN to make sure things are OK.
There is a book that might help you both. Come as you Are is really really good. I'd suggest both of you read it. It will give you a solid foundation for you sex life and female sexuality. I wish I had read it before I got married.
Keep practicing oral sex. One day she will just explode and squirm. Hold on! It's fun. But she needs to be relaxed and clearly she's tense. When she's orgasming and seems she's slowing down, come up and try PIV (Penus in vagina) as she will have lots of natural lubricant, and that might be the ticket.
And work on all senses before and during sense. Need a song playlist? (no joke).
You are using lube...right? You can get it at a big chain drug store or WalMart.
Get a copy of Alex Comforts 1972 book "The Joy of Sex". Get HER to read that, and Come As You Are to learn to go beyond plain vanilla.
>She gets all weird and says she's boring like that explains everything.
She's not "boring"; she's AFRAID, afraid of what you will think of her when/if she strays outside her strict boundaries. It's entirely possible that she's hideously embarrassed to know that she DOES have desires, and kinks, and would be mortified to have you learn what they are. It may be possible to tease those out, but you'll need to be ABSOLUTELY non-judgmental about them.
It sounds like you guys are putting way too much pressure on her orgasm, and that will just make it even more difficult to happen.
First of all, how enthusiastic is she about having an orgasm? Is it something she enthusiastically wants too? Or, looking honestly at it, is it more something you want to give her?
Beyond the physical, which you have obviously experimented a fair amount with, some people can have a mental barrier to orgasm. Women in particular, many who have been conditioned by society to be ashamed of their sexuality, can have trouble reaching that point or may feel too vulnerable or exposed to allow it to happen. If your wife is open and enthusiastic about having her own orgasm, I recommend you to encourage her to explore and own her sexuality. Try getting her some books (and read them yourself too so you can discuss them) like Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski or finding other ways to help her feel more comfortable about and expressing her own sexuality. With gentle, persistent positive reinforcement and great patience, as your wife becomes more comfortable with her sexuality her orgasms may just start to blossom along with her new mindset.
Also: Emily Nagoski - Come As you Are - https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090?
Best book out there on the current science of sexual desire.
I highly recommend this book. My wife and I have similar issues and this book gave us a way to understand and communicate our needs better.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_X1gpDbRHFZJNH
Your sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. If books are your thing, I really recommend Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber and Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski.
It's hard to have healthy intimate connections with other people if we're disconnected from our self. Your sexuality is a good, healthy thing, and you deserve to have it celebrated and cherished.
No, it's not necessarily you. RP has a distinct group of people in it who have a distinct set of opinions. And if you look online, the women who are the most vocal about sex will be the most adventurous - having had sex with lots of men, threesomes, bdsm'ers etc. They are also the women that men are most likely to have casual sex/one-night sex with, which may skew men's view of what 'most women' like.
Some women do like rough or BDSM sex. But also many don't, or don't want or need that in order to gain the maximum satisfaction. Sex comes up in convos with my girlfriends quite often, after they've had a few drinks ;) They are very varied in what they like and don't like. Hard/fast/rough can make the pelvic area go numb, but some of my friends like it anyway because it means he's getting off or/and because it feels sexy/hot to them. And a bit of that for a change can be fun. But there's generally not enough sustained contact for orgasm. Most women can only orgasm via oral (during sex) because it's slower and uses sustained contact. If they orgasm via PIV, then generally it's slow and deliberate - he has a lot of control and knows what he's doing and what she likes.
Personally, if a guy slapped, choked, pulled hair etc during sex, then I'd find that super weird and ask him to stop. Out of my friends, one said she liked it, and we know her husband and he's a nice guy, so we assumed they're into BDSM-lite. A couple of my friends are into real BDSM. So it's very, very varied.
Basically, research says women vary a lot more than men in their sexual anatomy and accordingly in what they like: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=rdr_ext_tmb
Slow can be good if it's done right: https://www.amazon.com/Slow-Sex-Craft-Female-Orgasm/dp/0446567183
A couple of ideas--
-- Hang around SO30 and read about sex. Invite your husband to join you, and start by showing him your post. But continue to read here together, point out threads or comments to each other that you find interesting or that spark ideas.
-- "Fake it til you make it" is a real thing. Even if you don't feel sexy at first, go ahead and act like you do. I would bet money (and I don't have any) that your husband's reaction will quickly make you feel really sexy.
And a couple of books that are very popular around here:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel
I think you should see a counselor before the wedding. In the meantime here's some reading material for you two to help with some of your issues. [Edit] The first addresses some issues the survivors of abuse may experience. It's also good for communication. Second is a fantastic book about how to create the groundwork of a lasting marriage.
Her comment about loving you can simply be that her past experiences were holding her back and she finally feels free. If you're both committed going forward it's worth working on what you have.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_LaVsDbTVQPQKA
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00N6PEQV0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_dbVsDb3NKCE3V
There are a lot of gross attitudes you have going on there, but I'm not even going into all that.
Y'all should both read: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_hKhJybPQ9WGRC
Read this together. It's a little heavy but the table of contents makes finding pertinent chapters and sections super easy. Otherwise, think about what you think of as sex and expand that idea. Talk to her about if mutual masturbation would help make her more comfortable, for instance.
Finally I think the book that these articles are referring to looks far more interesting and open than the articles themselves.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1476762090/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&amp;tag=httpwwwgood07-20&amp;camp=1789&amp;creative=9325&amp;linkCode=as2&amp;creativeASIN=1476762090&amp;linkId=2b8af58ca5e16c3c0b37664231c4c0e8
>sexual arousal, desire, and orgasm are nearly universal experiences,
Nearly leaves room for us aces :). The author seems to be saying that to be different is normal. Not that there are no categories for different sexualities.
She's also pretty trans friendly and points out that the book is unfortunately not for trans women due to the lack of available research.
>First, most of the time when I say “women” in this book, I mean people who were born in female bodies, were raised as girls, and now have the social role and psychological identity of “woman.” There are plenty of women who don’t fit one or more of those characteristics, but there’s too little research on trans and genderqueer sexual functioning for me to say with certainty whether what’s true about cisgender women’s sexual wellbeing is also true for trans folks. I think it probably is, and as more research emerges over the coming decade we’ll find out, but in the meantime I want to acknowledge that this is basically a book about cisgender women.
\> if women experience this as well
Of course they do. Why wouldn't they? If anything, I'd say that women often deal with it more frequently, and for a wider variety of different reasons. But up until recently, society as a whole didn't give that issue the consideration it deserves.
For example, birth control and mental-health medication can drastically affect a woman's ability to orgasm, and different brands affect each woman differently (because biology is a jerk).
Yes, women can get over-stimulated (clitorally or otherwise), and that can affect their ability to have orgasms, but from my experience (as an attentive partner, not a vagina-owner), that's not the entire issue. There are a lot of variables involved, and many of them are mental.
An ex of mine, who dealt with this issue, recommends this book as a valuable resource on the topic.
No specific advice here, as your situation sounds complicated and highly personal. But I have encountered issues similar to that of your girlfriend (I didn't orgasm until I was 27,) and found this book: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 to be IMMENSELY enlightening, and full of actionable advice which I have used with my current partner. My sex life has never been better. There are so many moving parts involved in sex, but you don't necessarily think about them while it's happening. That book will prompt both you and your partner to pay closer attention to your needs, reactions, etc, and hopefully, help you work toward a very healthy sexual relationship.
Here is the recommendation of Emily Nagoski, PhD a sex educator and author of the best-selling book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life:
> If you struggle with body confidence, Nagoski recommends an exercise by Drs. Eric Stice and Carolyn Becker called “The Body Project.”
> Every day, stand in front of a mirror naked, or as close to naked as you can tolerate, she instructs, and write down everything you like about what you see.
> “If it is your eyebrows, write that down,” says Nagoski. “If it is your wrists, write that down. If it is the spirit in your eyes, write that down.”
> It may be strange at first, but over time, it will help you notice all the beautiful things about your body.
> “What happens is you teach your brain to notice how beautiful your body already is, which helps to immunize you against all the cultural messages that tell you your body is supposed to be different,” Nagoski says.
The basic idea is that your brain has lots of practice with negative thoughts about your body. Because of that practice your natural inclination is to continue along those habitual ways of thinking. Those negative thoughts will not go away until you crowd them out with new habits. This takes work and repetition and it's the point of the mirror exercise.
The way I like to think about it is what it feels like to drive on roads after a snowstorm, before the snowploughs have come, but after other drivers have forged a specific lanes through the snow. Staying on the lane where others have driven is easy, but once the car leaves that groove it wants to slip and slide as it is pulled and pushed by little humps of packed snow back into the cleared path. Your brain is like that. It has grooved lanes for your thoughts and it feels odd and precarious to think different ones. But if you drive those new lanes long enough you will make new grooves and it will feel comfortable.
Or another way to think of it is like learning the moves to a dance. Someone could watch a tutorial video and see what the moves are and slowly copy them. But if the learner stopped the first time they got it right their dance would suck. Learning a skill requires doing it enough that it's second nature.
Dr Nagoski mentions that the mirror test was taken from The Body Project by Dr. Stice and Becker. The main focus of the Body Project is the treatment of eating disorders by attacking body dissatisfaction:
> Consistent with this expectation, randomized prevention trials conducted by at least eight independent labs have found the Body Project eating disorder prevention program reduces thin-ideal internalization, body dissatisfaction, negative mood, unhealthy dieting, and eating disorder symptoms. This intervention has also been found to reduce risk for future onset of threshold and subthreshold eating disorders. In addition, there is evidence that the Body Project intervention reduces the risk for future onset of obesity, results in improved psychosocial functioning, and reduces mental health care utilization.
The Body Project is more involved than Dr Nagoski's recommendation, and if you really want to delve into it you can explore the website. It includes training materials and other resources. One thing I found interesting is that leaders were encouraged to no allow participants to argue for their negative body image—only against it. I think this is because the practice that people need is to oppose their negative body image. They're plenty good at being negative already. If you do choose to do this you may want to non-judgementally start swatting away your negative body thoughts. Or even just noticing them. Something like "there's a negative thought that my brain has been trained to offer me."
In case you want it, here is the official Mirror Exercise as published by the Body Project. Remember if you do this, it might take time to learn to think in new ways. The point here is to get that positive practice. This isn't a once-and-done thing:
> ###Mirror Exercise Form
> Please stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself and write down all your positive qualities.
Please list at least 10. This includes physical, emotional, intellectual, and social qualities. For instance,
you may like the shape of your arms, the strength of your legs, your long dark hair, the sound of
your laugh, or the fact that you are a good friend. Please make sure to include at least some physical attributes on your list.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is excellent. Sciency enough, but not overwhelming.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_hJSPzbPA9VE9B
Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are" goes deeper with these concepts and explains a lot about human sexuality. Highly recommended read! I have learned so much from it and am feeling better about my sexuality and my sexual relationship with my partner.
http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
I think you might find this book interesting: Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.
This gets mentioned fairly frequently, but I think you should take a look at Emily Nagoski's book "Come as You Are". She does a good job of presenting the sexual accelerator/brake framework for explaining libido. While it's possible that your girlfriend is experiencing a decrease in the "accelerator" part of the equation (this often happens as relationships mature), it's also possible that your advances are engaging the "brake".
It seems clear from her defensiveness that she's having trouble decoupling your unmet sexual expectations from the fate of the relationship. Unfortunately, she can't just will herself to overcome her brakes, and feeling frustrated/lacking as well as afraid for the relationship is definitely not a sexy atmosphere. Rather than continuing to press the issue or invent ways to create spontaneous interest in her, talk to her. Ask her what she finds arousing ("accelerators"), what circumstances she definitely does not find arousing ("brakes"), and whether she can actively disengage brakes that she doesn't think are logical, or actively create situations that she finds arousing.
Sex occurs when the context is correct and her brakes are disengaged. Buying sexy lingerie and showering her in compliments are (well-meaning) shots in the dark for what she truly finds arousing.
I am still in the process of reading it, but this book https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090 seems quite eyes opening on the subject of sex, desire and pleasure for women. From what you said, your wife is still curious or at least open to the idea of feeling more passion or overcoming some conservative education, so it can be worth giving it try, since you're already searching for answers here?
What you are describing is a struggle common to all submissives, not just male submissives. According to a 2015 study in Canada, 64.6% of female respondents indicated they have fantasized about being dominated sexually while only 59.6% of males indicated that they have fantasized about dominating someone else. Similarly, 53.3% of male respondents indicated they have fantasized about being dominated sexually, but only 46.7% of females indicated that they have fantasized about dominating someone else. If you scroll down to that table at the bottom of the article, you can see that the same trend holds true for most BDSM activities. More people fantasize about being tied up than tying someone else up, being forced to have sex than forcing someone else to have sex, and being urinated on than urinating on someone else. The one exception is that slightly more people fantasize about spanking someone else than being spanked.
The study also found that fantasizing about being dominated was a good predictor for having more fantasies over all (including those that involve dominating someone else) and for experiencing each fantasy more intensely. The good news is that this suggests there are quite a few switches out there. It also suggests that two submissives who each have varied fantasy lives may be able to find at least some overlap in sexual compatibility, though perhaps not with regard to their strongest preferences. The bittersweet news is that even if a "pure" submissive gets paired with a "pure" dominant, the submissive is still likely to have more fantasies over all and experience them with more enthusiasm than the dominant. So again, this is an issue faced by nearly all submissives to varying degrees. Still, we can find some value in recognizing and accepting this disparity, and realizing that it makes a certain amount of sense intuitively. Dominating can be enjoyable but also takes a lot of work. The metaphor isn't perfect, but consider that there are probably more people who enjoy receiving massages than giving them and more people who enjoy riding roller coasters than operating a roller coaster, even if it is fun to see all those smiling and terrified faces.
Another thing worth noting is that this and other studies have shown that while men usually want to see a large percentage of their fantasies acted out in real life, women often maintain a clearer boundary between what they fantasize about and what they actually want to try. The authors of the study noted that, of the women who described a sexually submissive fantasy as their favorite fantasy in the open-ended section of the survey, half of them felt it important to mention (without being asked) that they would never want to submit to their partners that way in real life. So keep that in mind as you're vetting potential partners. Just because you get a submissive vibe from a woman you're interested in (or a dominant one) doesn't mean that's the whole story. In the end, there's no substitute for ongoing open communication and slow, unfolding discovery of another person's complex and often paradoxical desires, inhibitions, and willingness to experiment and explore.
If you're up for some reading, I highly recommend Emily Nagoski's book, Come as You Are. If you don't want to purchase, you can listen to it for free with an Audible trial if you haven't done one recently. It's written by a woman for women, but in my opinion there's no better book that men can read to better understand female sexuality. Nagoski helped me move beyond a lot of my binary thinking about men vs. women and submissives vs. dominants and better understand the seemingly contradictory statements my wife has made over the years. It also taught me a lot about my sexually as a man.
That's good (the therapy). I think the only thing you can do is to be patient, manage your expectations, respect her boundaries, maybe read Come as you are to get a better understanding of what you're possibly working with?
My heart goes out to you. I know from experience that this is a painful situation to be in.
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Your sexuality is normal, and there is absolutely nothing weird or wrong about the way you are wired. I recommend this lovely, woman-focused book for shedding light on how human sexuality works: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1536823730&sr=8-1&keywords=come+as+you+are
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A few of the big takeaways for me were:
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Summed up a lot of what I was going to say. If you are properly communicating with your partners and you know what you like enough to go solo but are having trouble reaching climax with a partner you may need a book more than a sex toy. I recommend reading BOTH of these.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
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https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=8AJ4W0HCVZ2FQWE32Q7M
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Come As You Are is going to help you with problems with judgement and what an orgasm "should" be.
She Comes First is a wonderful anatomy-of-the-clitoris book disguised as a cunnilingus manual.
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I strongly recommend the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She does a great job of explaining and challenging myths around sexuality, provides tools for readers, and gets into all sorts of other topics related to sexuality like meta-emotions, pre-/misconceptions, and anatomy.
For example, she discusses the following:
I want everybody to read this book. It's all the sex education lots of people need but didn't get.
Hmm, sounds like a sex therapist could be helpful. Or this book! Highly recommend you and your wife read this together. Frankly, if a quicky can't cut it I'm not sure how logistically you can find the time for daily sex of that sort face-face PIV. I'd be happy having sex 2x a week with my wife.
\>https://www.amazon.ca/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
You might find the book "Come as you are" helpful.
Good luck!
I think the most important thing is that you are both comfortable with your bodies, comfortable with your own sexuality and are comfortable speaking openly about it with each other. That means, when the time comes, being comfortable to say what you like, what you didn't like, etc. Also, this is a great research based book for understanding sexuality between partners and yourself
Cis allosexual here.
Stress and depression are both libido killers. Anti-depressants also have a known side effect of lessening libido. So, I suspect you're on a "people in general" scenario, rather than a demisexual-specific scenario.
What you describe is termed "arousal non-concordance", when the body's arousal and the mind's arousal don't overlap. You may also want to check out the term "responsive desire".
The book Come As You Are (amazon.com) addresses both topics.
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Check out Dr. Nagosaki's Come As You Are. There is a book and an Audible version. The latter in particular would be good for the two of you to listen to together, and perhaps discuss after each chapter. I got it free with an Audible trial.
Both. Wife was feeling like sex was becoming more of a chore. I was feeling like we weren’t connecting as much sexually or otherwise.
We read “the sex starved marriage
We also read come as you are
Both of these lead to us become more connected and open to trying kinks. My biggest kink was more anal play for both of us. She is now receptive to anal once or twice a week instead 5-6 times a year.....and anal play for me a few times a month.
We have many toys and we need to pair some down. We’ve started to do some bdsm (cuffs and floggers and paddles) she really loves to smack my cock and balls around a lot.....it really turns her on. So, she is finding her dom side, and so am I. We switch....
We are now having more sex than we’ve ever had.
I also keep a sex journal and we read back over that occasionally to remind us how sexy we are...
We both are over weight and we are actively losing weight. I’ve lost 60 lbs since February and she’s lost about 35. We both want to be as healthy and happy as we can and that involves sex!
Before Mormonism sex was alright, after I wanted nay I demanded better sex literacy for myself and my husband, one of the best book I could ever read after leaving tscc was come as you are, if I had a million dollars, I would buy stacks of that book and just give out to every young adult woman out there. My sex life has dramatically improved, it went from maybe orgasm once a month to now at least 90% of the time. it also helped that my stupid guilt with masturbation disappeared after leaving, imho masturbation for a woman is like a manual on how to drive the car. you need to know what feels good, and what does it for you, if you are never allowed to experience it for yourself how can you give directions to your partner.
I'll go against what other people are saying here and say that you may or may not be asexual- you haven't really told us the right things for that.
You can be allosexual (as in, NOT asexual) and not want to have sex for a bunch of different reasons, that doesn't make you asexual. You don't need to enjoy sex to be allosexual, you just have to have sexual attraction towards other people. Have you ever seen someone and been like, "man, I really want to have sex with that person?" When you see a particularly attractive person do sexual thoughts enter your mind? Then you probably aren't asexual. If that doesn't happen to you, then you probably are. All that is independent of everything you described.
I'll say this too- I've never been in a poly relationship but I know enough to know that they are really hard. If you want to be successful in it you have to really communicate how you feel and make sure everyone is on the same page, otherwise jealousy WILL happen like you are experiencing.
And, to answer your question, YES, talk to your partners. It doesn't even need to be about whether or not you're asexual, just about how you feel right now and what YOU need. As a side note there's a book called "Come as You Are" which might be of interest to you- basically there are "accelerators" and "brakes" regarding sexual desire, and allo people can stop desiring sex if there's too many brakes (like stress/worry about sex, anticipation of displeasure, etc) in their daily lives. More info here if you're interested.
Come as you are
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
If you both read it and apply it, it will change your life.
There’s a book called Come As You Are that one of my friends swore by that helped with this kind of thing. From the small snippet I read, it did mention trans and nb people so it may be helpful
My husband and I have a similar issue, though he is the one whose sex drive is higher than mine. It can make it difficult for both parties each in their own way, and I'm sorry that you and your boyfriend are going through that.
I highly, highly recommend the book Come As You Are. It's about this exact problem, and it explains the science behind everything. The author also understands that either party in the relationship can be the one with the higher sex drive, and that there isn't anything wrong with either partner. Neither person is "right" or "wrong" or "sick" or whatever else our culture and media tells you about how your sex life should be.
The book is based on science doesn't just give you general advice, it's very in-depth and made me think about things in a way I never had. I don't think you can work through these issues with just common sense and random internet advice. The problem is much different than that. In order to change something like this, it is immensely helpful to understand the problem, and the book really lays it all out in a clear way.
Most advice on the internet and that you hear from other people will be to "meet halfway" and things of that nature. In my experience, this won't work. You have to understand the real nature of the problem in order to find a solution.
I can't stress enough how helpful the book was. It really helped me to understand what was going on with me and my husband both emotionally and physically, and it gives really great practical advice for how to work through any issues.
I thought I knew a lot about sex, then I read Come As You Are and realized I had a whole lot to learn. Ignore the self-help title, it's solid and well-sourced shit that I found really useful.
I also had a lot of difficulty coming using my hands. I've been more or less completely reliant on vibrators to orgasm. Then I read this article about how to teach yourself to masturbate, and tried it. It's only been a few weeks and I am already a lot more confident about my ability to get myself off. It's great.
Bit of a different recommendation than the other things you'll no doubt be pointed towards, but I recently read Come as you are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life and I found it very impactful and meaningful. I think it's a valuable read.
Some parts I rolled my eyes at because they were written in an overly familiar way since it's aimed at female college students, but there were like 3 or 4 parts of the book where I was moved to tears by.
Hi OP! I'm really glad you're talking and learning about your experience. I don't know if it'll be useful to you at all, but this book is fantastic and goes over a lot of new science regarding and surrounding sex - but it also addresses the idea of context and arousal. If you are asexual, that's totes cool! If you are close but not quite, it may be that your context includes how you feel about the relationship and other things, and that you haven't found the right combination (yet!). Emily is a brilliant author and explains it a lot better and more in depth, though.
Those people should be ashamed that they are trying to prop up their own egos by shaming you. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken, and you are not alone. I will always recommend a small pocket vibe for anyone with a clitoris who has never orgasmed, though I understand if that isn't going to be a path you're interested in.
Your mentions of shame, molestation, sinfulness, leads me to recommend an AMAZING book about cis-gendered female sexuality: "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski. She talks about the (researched based) driving forces behind female sexuality, and how to work through messages (shame, sinfulness, dirtiness) and experiences that have affected how we feel about our sexual well being. If I could give you my copy, I would- I think you'd really appreciate it.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
If you really want him to understand -- and maybe if you seek more understanding yourself -- Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are is an amazing read. She's a sex educator who goes into great detail about women's sexual response. (Spoiler: It doesn't work the way you think it does. It doesn't work the way any of us think it does.)
The most relevant material to your situation is her chapter on the dual control model, your brain's system of "brakes" and "accelerator" that govern how excited you feel and how fast you get there. Read it and it'll help you determine what's actually going on: Are your brakes too sensitive, or does your accelerator truly need to be jammed harder into the floor?
...Figuratively speaking, of course.
I am not fully sure of your gender, so for now I'm going off the assumption of a straight married couple. If not, the good news is that the majority of these can be used on partners of any gender!
Come As You Are, like many of the items I suggest, comes reviewed by a webcomic Oh Joy Sex Toy-NSFW LINK [really good content], and it's a pretty good book from everything I've heard. Regardless of your gender identity, this may give you a bit more perspective and appreciation of female sexuality.
There's a male mastubartory device that honestly looks lovely. Affordably priced, and there are others well reviewed by the same company. Honestly I think a flesh-light style item would be great combined with bondage usage. It really depends on how you and your wife would plan to use it.
Honestly I know you were probably just looking for few items but I have tons of ideas. The main one I had was more sensual, and is a massage oil candle. There are multiples that would be good if you want to hear about them.
Here's her website. You can order the book on amazon
It might take longer than you think and it may happen outside of sex, especially if she currently is not willing to masturbate. If she doesn't know what does it for her, she can't tell you. And observing her reactions during sex can give false results and add stress.
What exercise does she do? What does she like to read? How does she talk about her body, either sexually or self image? In what ways does she take care of her body? Is she on any medication that could lead to decreased arousal or interest as a side effect? What does she think of her not coming?
I don't think this can be solved with technique or anything you do or don't do. Sex and arousal for some women starts in the mind. It's also quite possible to become aroused without touch: yoga, massage, reading (not necessarily porn), running and other exercise (especially done to music). Even the simple act of meditation, sitting and breathing, can do it. Its something for the two of you to do together, and creates closeness on so many energy levels. Even taking a walk, or doing brisk exercise together (being out in nature did it for me.) Does she like to dance? That can be very sensual and body affirming.
I guess I'm saying that for your wife to become sexual, the path is to become sensual. Occasionally there are shortcuts, but if she's not curious about coming, or forbids herself from feeling things or masturbating, there may not be.
I don't think I had my first orgasm until 22 or 23. It wasn't with a vibrator or a partner. It was due to my need, curiosity, sense of adventure, willingness to fantasize about what turned me on and my willingness to fail, over and over. I did not have an orgasm through PIV until my mid-thirties. Many women never do.
Heres another book recommendation: Come As You Are.
> I don't know how to engage in that process without being pushy?
That's a fine line you sort out by practice. We all struggle through that and it's just a matter of having good intentions and paying attention to the person you're with.
> But I never could open myself to trying to regain attraction from the other when it was lost, because I felt kind of manipulative, like a pua
I think ultimately there's a difference between playing mind games and just being open and fighting for what you want in a relationship. i've had men i've been dating break up with me because X, and, when i've disagreed or really wanted the relationship to continue, I've said so and tried to keep it happening. Ultimately you can try to get the other person to see a different point of view, but you're never going to make someone change their minds if their minds are made up. The difference between being upfront about what you want and being a PUA is that PUA's make you believe like women can be controlled and can be made to be with you, which is very different from telling someone you think a relationship is worth fighting for and being in.
> I feel that my sexual desires are more reliable than womens'?
yeah! cuz you're you! I can't ell you how many times i've been attracted to a guy who seemed attracted to me and then completely disappeared! sometimes before we even had sex! you cannot control other people...the moment you realize that fact and accept that that's not what dating is even about, it gets a lot easier.
because then it's about:
instead of about:
> contextualizing female sexuality
you're confusing two things though. Liking someone and wanting to fuck them are two completely different things. The way people like each other has nothing to do with gender, it's just that women are who you want to date and they seem elusive to you so you think there's a difference. Women also crush on men who are not interested in them for months/forever. I crushed on one dude who barely even looked at me for almost TEN YEARS (it never went anywhere).
female sexuality, when she likes to fuck? That's definitely more contextual, and there are plenty of scientific evidence to confirm that. That's not necessarily a bad thing. If you're interested in learning more about female sexuality, you should check out Come As You Are. Also I think one of Cordelia Fine's books, like Testosterone Rex, would be interesting. Both authors have gone on various podcasts to talk about their work, so that's another way to get the gist if you're interested but don't have the time.
But ultimately the way to think about female sexuality is this: it's not yours to control, it's not yours to predict, and just because a woman wants to fuck you now doesn't mean she wants to fuck you later BUT ALSO just because she doesn't want to fuck you now, doesn't mean she doesn't want to fuck you later either. i turn my partner down for sex all the time (he does to me too, but that generally gets talked about less) and it has everything to do with my mood, how sexy i feel, and what i have to do later in the day and absolutely nothing to do with how much i love him. he knows no means no, but he also knows he can ask again later and the answer might be something completely different because whether i want to have sex or not has everything to do with whether i feel like it.
You might want to read this book, it has a surprising amount of information.
Apologies for misunderstanding your question.
I certainly did experience just that for some years and though not phrased in that particular way it has in times past been the subject of others' writings here. For a long time when I believed this part of our relationship could be improved to some kind of mutual benefit I put a not inconsiderable effort toward it. This was around the time that the spontaneous/responsive desire dichotomy was ascending in the parlance and it seemed like the theory fit for our situation. I brought what she said with words was the proper amount/frequency of spontaneous desire (compromising back and keeping to myself my true desires) in the hope that it would elicit some form of true response. Unfortunately only rarely did I feel this was the case. It was honestly probably even less frequent than quarterly but you know I had to fit it in with the letters. ;)
Eventually I realised that she doesn't actually have a real responsive desire as was posited in that book, at least not for me. At best she has a passive desire; the desire for someone to desire her, basking in that glow with naught effort reciprocated.
I'd highly recommend Come as you Are by Emily Nagoski:
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
There's a lot of great advice for couples in exactly your situation!
It's not so much the penis you need to learn, it's your own sexuality. People are more drawn to sex (and hence, penises) when they're in a state of arousal. Your earlier description of the scenario with the hand job gives no indication of you being aroused at all. Without arousal as a motivator, of course you're not going to be sexually curious.
Emily Nagoski's book, "Come As You Are" is fantastic for learning and driving your own arousal and sexuality. She also addresses some stuff about the beliefs sort of inherited by you from culture and how to reckon with, change, or accept them. I cannot suggest another book more highly, plus it's just genuinely well written on the sentence level.
Short answer: no.
Slightly longer answer: roughly 50% of men feel spontaneous desire (e.g., they see something sexy, and they're quickly aroused). The other 50% have a more responsive desire (e.g., in addition to spontaneous feelings, the context has to be right, too). As an aside, I believe the numbers for women are 10-20% spontaneous, something like 30% responsive, and the remainder need both things to feel desire.
So, when we're talking about responsive desire, it's about learning how to turn on the "ons" and turn off the "offs". The "offs" can be things like worry, stress, performance anxiety, unintended pregnancy, concern about STIs, and on and on and on. Remember that the biggest sex organ in the human body is...the brain!
To be clear, unless either of you are feeling pain during sex (in which case, see a doctor!), you're both normal.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I recommend that both of you read, "Come as You Are", by Dr. Emily Nagoski. It's more geared toward women, but it's super informative for men as well. Highly recommended.
Good luck to the both of you!
It might be helpful for you to cuddle? Reading come as you are might be helpful?
This book is aimed specifically at women, but the ideas also apply to men and she does say that in the book. In my opinion, the issue with men for this problem is more in the physical realm, whereas with women it's more mental.
Come As You Are
I will say, you should find a way to broach the subject before you are in bed and can't finish. Honesty and openness goes a long way towards solving problems.
There's a really good book here about female sexuality.
The idea of context is crucial.
A good analogy is tickling: in one context it's funny if someone tickles you, but in another context it's actually not funny at all (say, in the middle of a heated fight with your partner about something serious).
It's the exact same physical action of tickling.
But the experience of it is at opposite poles depending on the context.
I think that rough/dominant sex is the same way, as with all things to do with female sexuality.
So the valence of how you experience the exact same thing could be flipped depending on (1) whether the man is the right man and (2) whether you're in the right mood.
Hey, I am a female[24] who has had the same problem recently. My BF initiated sex all through our relationship and I loved it and suddenly he told me this too. I have also been abused. I have two recommendations for you that might help you with the root of your problem (confidence issues and anxiety involving sex). I read two books to help with my healing process:
Come As You Are (Emily Nagoski)
I <3 Female Orgasm
Both have tips about sex, healing sexuality, and learning about yourself. I HIGHLY recommend them. They changed my world. You will get something out of both of them. The first is a scientific look at what you're dealing with, and the second is more emotional/holistic. I recommend that one first (I<3 Female Orgasm), and then if you are still curious or are seeking more read Come as You Are
Edit: Links Below
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
https://www.amazon.com/Love-Female-Orgasm-Extraordinary-Guide/dp/1569242763/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&amp;ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1520902384&amp;sr=1-1&amp;keywords=i+heart+female+orgasm&amp;dpID=41GlJo%252BSvSL&amp;preST=_SX218_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&amp;dpSrc=srch
Have you tried therapy?
It's obviously not the be-all, end all, but it works for a lot of people.
Regarding the sexual discrepancy, you don't really say much about your sex life other than your libidos clash, so...
What's your sex life like? How often do you have sex? Has your sex life always been like this or did you used to have more? Has something changed (physically, mentally, emotionally) in your lives? How often do you want to have sex? How often does she want to have sex? Who initiates? Do you initiate? Does she turn you down when you initiate? (If not and you want sex, then generally it's going to be on you to be the initiator, even though you could talk to her about initiating more.) Is there a way to meet in the middle? What is sex to you? Is it always a full event or can it be something simple, like masturbating together (because for people with lower libido, that can be more inviting than having to do a whole song and dance)? Or you masturbating and her "helping" (kisses, cuddles, pets, dirty talk)?
A therapist could potentially help you talk to each other and find out if there's a way to meet in the middle. And if not, then you can go your separate ways knowing you gave it a shot.
I'd also suggest this book: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
For both of you to read.
Also, this: The Sex Starved Marriage: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ep2MAx95m20
Whoops, Emily Nagoski. Amazon link
I just started reading a book that is already mind-blowingly useful in this regard. It’s really illuminated a lot of my experience with a PA, and in a way that really facilitates my own sexual satisfaction in the future.
Highly recommend!
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life
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Two thoughts on this. First, regarding your libidos. I suggest both of you check out the life-changing book Come As You Are (here's a great little comic that summarizes the book). I hear you on the medication front; but there's also a chance that your partner has more responsive desire which is contributing to the lower frequency of sex in your relationship. In my experience, understanding this distinction -- between "not in the mood and don't want to be in the mood tonight," and "not necessarily in the mood, but if we started making out I might get in the mood" is really helpful.
Second, on your question about both being in little space -- maybe open yourself up to a third option, where you are both in little space, but she is the bossy friend /queen bee little, and you are the "I do whatever my best friend tells me" little? Then you can get some of the power dynamic you're craving and she can stay in littlespace?
This book is awesome: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
I'm in a similar boat. I found this book helpful to explain why I'm not broken. She talks about responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire, and that it's quite common in women. I would recommend reading it. come as you are
Read Come as You Are if you want to essentially inoculate yourself against that ever happening. It's a fantastic book that'll give you the tools to understand your sexuality and get back on track if your libido ever wanes.
You may find some answers in this book: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
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I saw someone else recommended the same book I did. I’m going to suggest you read it even if she doesn’t, although both would be best. :)
It might explain a lot to you about how her sexuality works. Especially the part about not being sexual or sensual outside the bedroom.
I always see sex as an intimate act. My sexuality only fully expresses itself in a relationship where there is love, trust and respect. That doesn’t stop stop it from being playful or primal with my husband. Those aspects of our sex life have grown and increased the longer we’ve been together.
I sometimes think of it like this..the more trust the less inhibitions.
It’s great that she is affectionate outside the bedroom. That may be her love language. If you are the same way that’s a great match.
Some people have more of an affinity for sex that centers around oxytocin and attachment. That would include romantic sex, affectionate sex, tantric sex. Some people desire adrenaline sex which requires a little aspect of newness and danger. That would include kinks and fetishes like BDSM, exhibitionism, etc... You can learn to enjoy both but probably not to the degree you have for your natural fit.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
Edit: quote from review of the book.
>Instead of stopping at overdone "female sexual desire is highly dependent on psychological factors, so light a candle and love your curves" bull, it actually breaks desire down further and provides exercises to help you figure out exactly what makes you tick, and how to help yourself- whatever those needs may be. While I'm coming at this from the perspective of a very inhibited woman, Nagoski doesn't neglect women who are quite the opposite. So if you're looking to understand why you want what you want, and how to bring those desires in line with your goals, this is a great book.
[Come as You Are] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476762090/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GaaDDbFS34M0M)
Seconding [The Gift of Fear] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01FMVNX7S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_lbaDDbR19JMK2).
Possibly also [Why Does He Do That?] (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_VbaDDb9AF3FZ4)
The last two are not comforting or warm and fuzzy, but all three of these books can be quite eye opening.
SEX LIFE TIPS
Come as you are
She comes first
YOU CAN DO BETTER, MEN!
First off, you are under no obligation to continue this arrangement with him. This might not be for you now and that is fine and normal. I hope it's not a reaction caused by your conservative upbringing though. If you want to experiment with sex and have fun trying things out, you are allowed. Also, if you don't enjoy this arrangement then you are completely allowed to end it. You are also allowed to start a conversation to modify the arrangement. Do you want more time to be spend on you needs? Tell him. Do you want to try specific things? Tell him. Do you need more cuddles and dates? Tell him.
I am disappointed in your friends for not supporting you and trying to help you out. The first thing I thought of after reading your post is: 'read 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski. It's a book about sexuality from a scientific perspective. It explains how you body works, how sex is influenced by context, by culture and your own beliefs. It's incredibly interesting and also really fun to read! While reading this book you feel like you've found a funny friend who knows a ton about sex and accepts you for who you are. I would really advice you to read it.
I have a lot of questions about y'all's sex life first because some things are concerning to me:
Who usually initiates, you or her?
How much foreplay/oral/manual sex/etc. do you do?
Has she mentioned any history of sexual abuse?
Have the two of you ever tried to to troubleshoot her orgasms by just having a session where you only focus on her in a low pressure environment?
Does she masturbate? If not, have you asked her why?
How does she act during sex? Is it like emotional release sobbing or is it like barely holding back tears crying?
It really sounds like she's forcing herself to have sex with you for some reason. Sometimes girls feel pressured or obligated to have sex when they don't actually want to because they want to make their partner happy, even if their partner isn't actually applying any direct pressure to them to do so. It's real fucked up and most guys are pretty horrified to learn about it. Definitely talk with her about it and ask her why she feels this way and reassure her you're not going to judge her.
She may also be gay and either doesn't know yet or doesn't want to admit it because she doesn't want to hurt you. In fact, this might actually be the likeliest scenario.
Also I would highly recommend getting her a copy of Emily Nagoski's Come As You Are to help her learn to troubleshoot her own orgasms and become more comfortable with her body, because repression is a bitch and it's really hard to overcome without resources like this.
I always make partners wrap it... But I also not someone who believes that it kills the mood, or inhibits intimacy. As long as you are safe, you just have to find what works for you.
I also use Nexplanon, and LOVE it. It helps with my migraines, and I have had much better experience on it than other birth control methods. If you do get it, go somewhere where the doctors/nurses have a lot of experience with it. I had no bruising or problems with mine, but friends who had them inserted by less experienced professionals had more problems.
I highly recommend reading Come As You Are, about sex. I found it incredibly empowering and educational. It talks about the accelerators and brakes on our sex drive, and can help you with the non biological elements of sex.
Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski! She's a sex researcher (also has an amazing blog) and this book really helped me understand and accept all parts of my sexuality. It's awesome.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
There's a few resources that are really great and easy to understand.
I'd start with www.ohjoysextoy.com it's a great sex positive webcomic that covers just about every kink, biology fact, and does sex toy reviews. There's something for everybody there.
A good book toe read is Come as You Are.
http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
Try those two for a few days
Have you ever read "Come As You Are"? I think you might find it very helpful.
https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090
Ooooh. I'm not entirely sure, but was it Emily Nagoski? Here's a link to her TEDx talk! She's absolutely wonderful. I've been reading her book Come As You Are and it's really, really helpful for so many reasons. I recommend the TEDx talk and the book either way!
Good luck! ♥
http://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1465239201&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=come+as+you+are
I'm not sure if it's the one you're looking for, but I got the recommendation for Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski from Reddit and highly recommend it.
This may be an odd suggestion, but if you are in any way sexually active, you should read Come as You Are. Although obviously written from a female perspective, it's an extremely interesting read.
Also, Death of a Salesman because it's short yet filled with interesting, relevant themes.
Except it’s not a personal opinion.
I highly recommend Come As You Are which discusses a lot of this research. It’s been eye opening for me to see how misunderstood women’s sexuality is.
there's no reason your first time having sex should hurt. if you are fully aroused, your vagina will open and expand to accommodate the penis. but this assumes that you don't have any mental blocks that are getting in the way. check out this book to learn about the "brakes" and "accelerators" that tell us when to and not to have sex, and to learn more about the anatomy of sex. i'm 30 and a marriage therapist and i'm still learning new things in this book. i highly recommend it for anyone with genitals.
If you're interested in learning more about why you (and many, many women and men, too) are not usually spontaneously "in the mood," I recommend the book "Come As You Are"! https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090