#636 in Books
Use arrows to jump to the previous/next product

Reddit mentions of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

Sentiment score: 19
Reddit mentions: 36

We found 36 Reddit mentions of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Here are the top ones.

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Buying options
View on Amazon.com
or
Penguin Books
Specs:
ColorPurple
Height7.75 Inches
Length5.05 Inches
Number of items1
Release dateNovember 2010
Weight0.55 Pounds
Width0.57 Inches

idea-bulb Interested in what Redditors like? Check out our Shuffle feature

Shuffle: random products popular on Reddit

Found 36 comments on Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most:

u/[deleted] · 357 pointsr/AdviceAnimals

One way to get better at this skill is to read the book Difficult Conversations. The general outline is that there are (at least) three levels on which people hear things:

  • statements about the facts of the world

  • statements about the speaker's/listener's feelings.

  • statements about the speaker's/listener's identity.

    That last one is the most powerful, and therefore the post potentially dangerous. If you are trying to say "you should be more careful with your code", be careful you don't unintentionally say "you are a shitty programmer".

    Another tip from How to Win Friends and Influence People is to praise in public and criticize in private. Criticizing someone publicly requires them to be humiliated or to disagree with you.

    edit: here->hear
u/The_Unreal · 29 pointsr/DnD

Hello there. Maker of The Chart here back with a prequel to the original flow. First of all, I know what you're thinking. "This is getting out of hand! Now, there are two of them!" ^^^Ok ^^^I'm ^^^done ^^^now ^^^I ^^^swear.

But honestly I felt like it was important to make this because, let's face it, having an adult conversation can be coarse and irritating and it gets... NO STOP IT really, really difficult and stressful and I sort of ... didn't address that at all in the original.

One of the naughty things that process designers do is that they take a a series of actions, slap a label on them, surround them with a "not my problem" field and wander off into the sunset. And that first big box on the original Chart? Guilty.

At the time I had a somewhat general idea of how to have an "adult" conversation, so I went out and read a book in preparation for building this flowchart. Much of what you're seeing here is inspired by an absurdly simplified take on that content. I have to say, it was an excellent read and I'd recommend it to anyone. The skills in there will come in handy in almost every part of your life.

Sooner or later you're going to have to tell someone they hurt you or have someone say that to you, and navigating those conversations skillfully can pay big dividends for your personal or professional life. The irony of course is that this probably going to be longer and a lot crappier than the original, but I wanted to at least do something for the people (like me, tbh) that find this challenging.

u/whatplanetisthis · 11 pointsr/TheBluePill

I see that you're saying that men generally want sex and women generally want commitment, and you believe that when women friend-zone men they are cheating men by taking the commitment and giving nothing in return.

It seems me that you agree that men shouldn't be doing chores for women with the hope that they will get sex in return. I also think a lot of feminists would agree with us that women shouldn't be having sex with men with the hope that they will get commitment in return. They're both foolish ways of thinking.

Here's how we get around the foolish confusion that both men and women bring to relationships: honest communication about feelings and expectations.

Men who feel friendzoned should tell the women (in similar but not necessarily identical words) "I feel hurt because I want our relationship to become something different. I also like you and I feel happy when I'm around you. But I also feel bad about myself because I worry that you're purposely leading me on to hurt and use me"

and women should tell men "I want to have sex with you, and I really like you. But I'm also worried that once we have sex you'll no longer be interested in me, and I don't want to have sex outside of a long-term relationship. Do you think that you're interested in having a long term relationship or do you see us as having a casual relationship?"

If you want more information on how to have these conversations in a socially skilled way, I suggest Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone

In short, you're right to point out that both men and women don't communicate their expectations with each other well and end up feeling used and cheated as a result. However, I think the solution is more honesty, not less honesty, wouldn't you agree?

u/GSnow · 10 pointsr/AskReddit

Learn how to deal with conflict in a way that is constructive rather than destructive of people and relationships. A really good start is to read the book "Difficult Conversations" by Stone, Patton and Heen, and to practice discerning the three levels of conversation that people around you have. You can do that without intruding on their conversation, and it will add greatly to your life, your mental health, and your competence in the workplace.

Source: I'm an old man who wishes that book and those skills were mine back when I was a teenager. It would have saved lots of people a lot of grief.

u/colpuck · 9 pointsr/badwomensanatomy

It is interesting you mention that. There is a famous book well worth a read. Difficult Conversations. There is a section of it that discusses blame and how we always cast ourselves as the hero no matter what. That it is almost impossible to look at situations from other people's views or stances. Its a good book written by some harvard business school guys, well worth a read.

u/AbsenceOfDeath · 7 pointsr/DissectPod

For anyone who is interested in thinking about how to improve the effectiveness of public or private discourse with people who you disagree with, I highly recommend the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most.

The book outlines how most difficult conversations can be broken down into three different layers - first, a conversation about what happened; second, a conversation about how one feels about what happened; and third and conversation about how one's identity is affected by what happened.

As the authors point out, most conversations between disagreeing parties break down in the first step of trying to establish what happened. This is often due to three traps: first the inability to understand that no one person can fully represent the truth of what happened; second, the assumption that one fully understands the intentions that motivated the other party to act in the way that they did; and third, the natural instinct to blame the other person rather than taking responsibility for oneself.

This book was very influential for me in how to think about DAMN. In fact, I could frame the entire narrative of DAMN. as an illustration of the struggle to overcome the internal obstacles that prevent us from truly listening to the other and thus prevent us from moving forward.

u/toomanyees · 7 pointsr/Parenting

> It sounds like there are some communication/other issues going on between you and your SO. The dog is the catalyst but there's probably something deeper going on with him that you're not privy to.

This. I'm thinking some of the communication strategies in this book could help: http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1382236150&sr=8-3&keywords=negotiation+in+books+harvard

u/myplantscancount · 6 pointsr/MensLib

These are some really great suggestions. I wanted to mention Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone. This book has done more to help me strengthen my relationships (romantic or otherwise) than any book I have ever read. It is about communication rather than toxic behavior, but like /u/raziphel said removing toxic behaviors isn't much good if you don't replace them with better alternatives (nature abhors a vacuum).

u/Predictablicious · 5 pointsr/rational

For communicating in difficult situations both Difficult Conversations and Crucial Conversations are good. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion is the best book on how persuasion works, but How to Win Friends & Influence People is the definitive practical book on persuasion.
The Definitive Book of Body Language is a good book on the subject, which is fundamental to face to face communication.

u/_crescat_ · 5 pointsr/GradSchool

> Should I just bite the bullet and stick in the group?

NO. If you're meh about the project only 8 months in, and negative about the work environment, don't stick around for another 4-5 years. You will be miserable.

> ow I'm the only student who my advisor has, and if I switch lab group now or even after my master's, there's no one who'll be able to train new grad students

Not your problem. Remember, your main goal is to get training on how to be a good scientist. This should remain the first priority.

> I'm scared if she's going to get hysterical about her last student leaving and the lab getting empty.

Yep, she probably will, and it will be a difficult conversation. But, it is absolutely one that's worth having. It would be foolish to "tough it out" for years simply because you're afraid of your advisor having an emotional response.

> How should I approach on this subject to my advisor?

  • Send her email requesting a meeting. "Hi ___, I'd really like to discuss my overall progress in the lab. Additionally, with all the recent changes, I have some concerns about being about to maintain an efficient pace on my project. When would be a good time to meet?"

  • Think about what you need in a lab environment, and why that is. Sounds like you work best when there are experienced folks around to provide advice and support. Explain this to your advisor, and point out why you feel that you are not a good fit for her particular lab right now.

  • Listen to and acknowledge her reaction / emotions to what you're staying. You can absolutely be respectful without agreeing to stay in the lab.

  • I highly recommend the book "Difficult Conversations: how to discuss what matters most". It's useful not just in this instance, but for whatever uncomfortable discussions you'll need to have in the future.
u/InAFakeBritishAccent · 3 pointsr/news

I remember reading this one

I went to the NCSU stacks and grabbed an armful from the psychology section so my memory is fuzzy. The best one had a profile of two people's faces yelling at each other but I can't remember the title.

Other good reads that will roundabout teach the same mechanics:

A classic

A more fun read, but less relevant.

With more entrenched ideas like politics it may be useful to look into books on the mechanics of brainwashing. If you learn how to build a bomb, you learn a lot about diffusing them. You also may learn we're all mildly brainwashed in some innocuous way or another.

And if you're not much of a reader, Chris Voss puts most of these ideas pretty eloquently.

Edit: The ones that look more like textbooks than self help tend to be more useful with the exception of Dale Carnegie.

u/luggagegum · 3 pointsr/relationships

>Tonight I plan on telling my fiancé in no uncertain terms that he is out of the party, period.

This is the wrong attitude to approach the conversation with. Your fiance has a completely different perspective on this issue and if you don't come from a place of attempting to understand her feelings around the matter, you're only going to piss her off, piss her family off, and get nowhere.

There's way too much to try and explain here, but if you've never read the book Difficult Conversations, I would HIGHLY recommend doing so before having this conversation. Hell, I'd recommend everyone read it.

u/daSn0wie · 3 pointsr/socialskills

Fix your outward body language first and foremost. read http://www.bodylanguagesuccess.com. Don't slouch, arms and shoulders out, hands at the side when you stand not in front of your crotch, clean and kept appearance. My guess is you probably suffer from some of this.

Be assertive (but not an asshole) when you speak. Don't follow sentences with "right??", or have 'uhms' in what you're saying. Be audible and clear when you speak.

You will have to difficult conversations in life if you want your life to go anywhere. Mark these words: The more difficult conversations you have the more successful and fulfilled your life will be.

(edit: here's a book I strongly recommend: Difficult Conversations http://www.amazon.com/dp/0143118447/)



u/JesterRaiin · 3 pointsr/rpg

Sure. Uncle Jester is the master librarian 'round these parts. ;)

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

u/WigglyBaby · 3 pointsr/internetparents

Hey, congratulations on the promotion! You're going to be fine. Every manager started as a newbie once. I've moved out of senior leadership and now coach people moving into management for a living. Here is some advice I can give, in line with the other suggestions. There are 3 things you have to tackle in this scenario:

  1. The integration of the new staff. You need to meet with the new person one-on-one, understand their challenges and help guide them. Your expectations need to be clear, and you will need to follow up with them to continue guiding them until they are up to speed.

  2. The vocal person who is making inappropriate comments about the new person. You need to take her aside, hear her concerns, reflect back to her what she just said (this is important so she knows you listened) and then express your concerns: that a) you function together as a team and b) that if she is not happy with a single person's behaviour, she should first talk to the new person about it, constructively, and if that doesn't work, then she should come to you personally. And that she shouldn't bring it up in front of the group because that is not a constructive way to handle this.

  3. You need to go back to the team as a whole (after the two above conversations) because they witnessed something and they need to know how you are addressing it. You need to discuss what happened in more general terms (don't breach any confidentiality / trust) along the lines that you feel that feedback is very important to the team members and to yourself, but that as a team we have to respect each other in how that feedback is delivered, so that it is constructive and supports the team's working together and performing together. Set your expectations that if there is a problem between anyone they to talk to the person concerned first, and they can come to you if that doesn't work. Get the team to discuss how they will do this, and come together with a "pact" around the feedback process between each other. Tell the whole team that you don't expect negative comments about anyone in front of the group; each member of the team has different strengths and the team will be at its best if those strengths are leveraged. Focus on the strengths, not all the weaknesses, as a team come up with a way to give each other feed back, then hold them accountable to it. The strongest teams have good feedback mechanisms between team-members baked into how they work.

    A couple books to read:

    (1) Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most (Stone, Patton, Heen)

    (2) Mastering Leadership (Anderson, Adams)


    Here is an interesting TED talk - don't be perturbed by the title. He talks about key character habits of good managers / leaders, that can be learned and practiced.

    Hope that helps. Feel free to shoot any questions.

u/gte910h · 2 pointsr/rpg

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 is a great book for this sort of thing.

I do suggest talking to her privately not as a group. People are more receptive to "bad things" one on one than they are in a group, where they're also performing for the group to not lose their esteem.

u/mrun220 · 2 pointsr/therapists

There's this book

and this one- Both are on my 'to-read' list that seems to grow longer every year I'm in practice.

u/Jose_Canseco_Jr · 2 pointsr/Advice

> they’re bringing in an independent HR consultant soon to do an evaluation of our practices

Good. How soon?

> if she had done this to someone else, I would talk to her about it

That's a great way to frame it. I recommend this be your approach. If the HR consultant is slated to come within the month, I would wait for them. Otherwise... yeah, you will need to have that difficult conversation.

This book is a good resource for that:

https://www.amazon.ca/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

u/AndAnAlbatross · 2 pointsr/skeptic

I'm very sorry to hear that.

My experience has been that things go a lot better for me socially when I treat every skeptical conversation like a difficult conversation. Short read, highly recommended.

I've also noticed that I tend to better when I offer fewer re-interpretations for people's experiences. Sometimes this manifests as a super lazy, super defensive heuristic like: "Ok, Jason (I'm Jason) -- under no circumstances say 'Maybe that was just sleep paralysis."

There's a woman I care deeply for who is very religious. I am almost tempted to use the phrase madly in love with this woman, but I'll try to keep this believable. She is big on listening prayer and she feels called to do work abroad. All of my skills and training are in technology. Even if she and I get past our worldview differences (I'm an agnostic atheist of the skepticism-first variety and she's a gnostic theist of the protestant christian variety) we still have to deal with the fact that her path will take her where all my skills mean nothing.

In general, the only things I ever let myself regret are the times I've hurt people unnecessarily. Everything else, I try very hard to own. I treat it as formative and I try to milk it for every ounce of self-improvement it could offer me. But once in a while I've hurt people... not necessarily through my skepticism, but not completely unrelated to it either. There in lies a common theme to all my regrets. C'est le vie.

Being honest to my disposition is not all its cracked up to be, but I won't stop any time soon. But being intellectually honest to the best of my bias-riddled human ability absolutely helps me sleep at night. For example, I recently had a conversation with my Dad, a Lebanese secularist who was politically active in the 60s and 70s (read: has a lot of anti-israeli bias), in which we got talking about the situation in Gaza. Over the past year, I've been systematically identifying my pro-israeli bias, especially that grounded in my exposure to western media. This puts me in a disadvantaged place for getting history lessons from him -- but when he insinuated that there's no such thing as an Israeli non-combatant, I had to stop the conversation because both my skeptical heuristics (intellectual honesty) and my ethical heuristics (dispositional honesty) went off full-blast. I asked him to clarify his point in terms of things I can fact check, and he should do the same.

Sure, it's good to hang a question mark on your identity as a skeptic... but the rest of the time, be proud. Your -- our -- vigilance tends to fall on the good-investment side of the cost-benefit balance.

u/grinr · 2 pointsr/IAmA

You're welcome of course. I'd recommend this book if you're interested in enhancing your communication abilities further. One last bit of advice: Relationships are a state, not a statement; don't get hung up on what to call it, focus on what the realities are as they come. If you need each other right now and can talk with each other about that reality honestly and safely, you have a foundation that many different types of relationships can emerge from. Keep talking, keep talking honestly - especially when it's painful or hard - and both of you may find that you want each other more than you need each other.

Best of luck!

u/bootuns · 2 pointsr/Dentistry

I found this book very useful. From patients, to staff, and just personal interactions in general, it has come in handy.

http://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

u/lithasblot · 2 pointsr/raisedbyborderlines

My SO and I are both super sensitive-- we decided to study NVC together (non-violent communication) and also read this book-- I highly recommend it. Transformative: https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447 .

u/bespoketech · 2 pointsr/RandomActsOfAB

Eep, I'm really sorry that you have to deal with family who make poor life decisions! It's one of the hardest things ever to deal with. Have you ever read the book "Difficult Conversations"? It might be a good place to look. :)

u/cmcase · 2 pointsr/IWantToLearn

Check out the book Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, and Heen. It's an amazing book that really has helped me to learn to better communicate with my spouse and in my business life as well. I've really enjoyed it! It's a pretty small book, but it's packed with helpful advice.

u/el_generalisimo · 1 pointr/relationships

First thing: I'd venture to say that you guys need to learn how to have these conversations in a more productive way. You won't be able to get to the discussions about counseling (which is also a great idea) until you can have those conversations in a productive way.

Have you heard of the book "Difficult Conversations"? I'd suggest you buy two copies and both read it.

Another great one - "That's Not What I Meant!: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships" by Deborah Tannen

My plan: Buy two copies of each. Read them together. Discuss. Try to put them into practice.

  1. Difficult Conversations (DiffCon): http://amzn.com/0143118447

    2: "That's Not What I Meant": http://amzn.com/0062062999
u/Doctor_Beard · 1 pointr/magicTCG

You may want to check out the book called Difficult Conversations. This could help you re-frame the discussion into a productive one.

u/imanalias · 1 pointr/booksuggestions

Difficult Conversations - I had to read this for a training class at work. It definitely changed how I approach tough or potentially awkward conversations with friends, co-workers, and strangers.

https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

u/Paganator · 1 pointr/intj

Can I reccomend the book Difficult Conversations? It's very good and it sounds like you might need it in the near future (and sounds like your boyfriend might learn a lot by reading it too).

u/napjerks · 1 pointr/Anger

Listen to your inner voice and trust your judgment. When we're putting "friend" in quotes we need to listen to ourselves and take ourselves seriously and really say "Hey, this person IS NOT a friend." And we need to start asking ourselves why we even hang out with them. Demoting them from friend to acquaintance might be helpful to get them officially out of the friend category.

One of the critical aspects of friendships is reciprocation. If they don't put into it what we do and the scales are significantly imbalanced, we should reassess our investment and consider pulling back significantly. This isn't taught to us in school or even by our parents. Just the "school of hard knocks" as they say. We have to learn it the hard way. So dial back your investment in this person. Both in time spent and emotional investment.

We interact with others based on our own values. We often want to to maintain being kind to even the people we struggle with. But that doesn't mean we have no defenses when we're being treated poorly. One thing anger does is help us identify when we're being messed with and should defend ourselves. Anger has energy associated with it and that is to help protect ourselves. That's why it's called part of the fight or flight system, in this case fight. So you can work on positive ways of expressing assertiveness. Another good communication tool to make sure we listen to others thoroughly and try not to let our own bias get in the way of what they are saying is active listening. Between active listening and assertiveness we can receive information and act on it in a positive way.

One of the quickest ways we can start applying this is by memorizing a solid stock phrase and practice applying it to the situations that come up. especially right there in the moment. A good one is something like "When you say , it makes me feel ." "When you put me down, (especially repeating their own words back at them), it makes me feel like you're saying I don't do good work (or whatever they are insinuating). Is that what you're intending with the statement you just made? Because that's the way it comes across." It's a way of turning their words back on them and making them responsible for what they way. Doing this in front of others, especially with a person who cowers at being called out can sometimes help modify their behavior. Especially if they tend to be hyper critical of your entire work team. Try to keep the context as tight as possible. We're just calling out the statement. We don't want it to devolve into open hostility or bring any other previous context or events into it. Keep it limited to the current situation. And if they start dragging other things in you can do the same, "I'm not talking about last week, I'm talking about what you just said right now." There are books like Difficult Conversations that are helpful with considering different scenarios.

If you meet that person in public and they are saying annoying things you can imagine a clear wall come up between you that helps keep their negative energy with them. Shoot that wall up as soon as you can remember it and practice playing with using it to muffle their energy and voice. If you have trouble letting to thinking about it there's a technique of imagining that person in a bubble. Imagine the bubble is made of strong material and enough to muffle their voice if you want it to. Slowly imagine it's walls getting thicker and you can't hear their voice. Then slowly start moving the bubble away. Further and further away until it's a dot on the horizon and then gone. Hope this helps. Hang in there!

u/Silvergirl7 · 1 pointr/relationship_advice

Check out amazon for what appeal to you. But here’s one

u/juver3 · 1 pointr/stupidslutsclub

Have you considered talking to a therapist ?

If it turns out that you are (or aren't) an addict you are probably going to to have to have a difficult conversations with your girl

You may want to reed this book

https://www.amazon.com/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447

u/PM_me_goat_gifs · 1 pointr/cscareerquestions

> any tips on [soft skills]?

How to Win Friends and Influence People is recommended so often its a trope, but genuinely the book is a good baseline.

I highly recommend all the books by the Harvard Negotiation Project, but I particularly recommend Thanks for the Feedback and Difficult Conversations

u/Rolling_Thunder9 · 1 pointr/atheism

Get the book Difficult Conversations. It'll help you understand how to better handle high emotion topics like this. It's been a huge help to me and I recommend it all the time.

u/ephrion · 1 pointr/sysadmin

"Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most" has been tremendously helpful for me to effectively communicate with clients, coworkers, and management. Also really useful for personal life, too.