Reddit mentions of Little Monkey Calms Down (Hello Genius)

You're in the First 100 Days of Darkness https://www.scarymommy.com/100-days-darkness-new-baby/

Today, my 2 year old told me she loved me, that she wanted to hug and cuddle me. She also practiced for 20 straight minutes all of the emotional regulation techniques I've taught her (embrace Daniel Tiger for toddlers, omg it's the best tool). She said how she felt, why she felt that way, started singing the relevant song, and did breathing exercises, and declared that she felt better. All on her own.

It does get better, little by little. It's all really freaking hard but one day you are able to sleep in increments of more than an hour, live in moments of more than 10 minutes at a time, and eat hot food and drink hot beverages without being interrupted. There will be a day where you're not touched out.

You've got this. You may not feel like it but you've got this. You're not alone.

And in case no one has told you, invasive thoughts are common. If you get them, you can go "hello thought, fuck you" or think the opposite of the thought. Or notice things around your room using all of your senses.

One thing that helped me get through the first two years is Pokémon Go on my phone for making sure I get outside. (I'm sure this is probably harder with twins)

Hugs and love to you. You'll get through this.

Edit: c&p from my comment below:
Sure! First of all, I got these books:

• Little Monkey Calms Down https://www.amazon.com/Little-Monkey-Calms-Hello-Genius/dp/1479522864
  
  
• Calm Down Time https://www.amazon.com/Calm-Down-Toddler-Tools-Elizabeth-Verdick/dp/1575423162/
  
  
• Bye Bye Time https://www.amazon.com/Bye-Bye-Toddler-Tools-Elizabeth-Verdick/dp/1575422999/
  
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  Daniel Tiger, the show, is on Prime Video, but there's DT apps for iOS and android. I highly recommend the Daniel Tiger Parents app as it has all the songs/episode clips. We embraced the ipad long ago so she can use it independently and will go to that app and play the songs.
  
  I tried to memorize the DT songs for different emotions like mad, frustrated, and sad. Then when she's feeling a certain way, I would ask her how she feels, then say "Are you feeling mad/sad/frustrated/etc?" then sing the song, and say something like "let's reset", "how many blows do you think you would need to blow out...4 candles?" and held up 4 fingers. If she's feeling uncooperative, I'll go "can you help me blow out the candles?" and then we count as we blow them out. Or I'll ask her to help a stuffed animal.
  
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  We also talk about choices a lot, good and bad choices. When she's making a bad choice, I tell her that she's making a bad choice and needs to reset herself and make good choices. "Kicking me is a bad choice. It hurts me. I cannot allow you to kick me or kick people. Are we allowed to kick others? Let's reset and take big breaths"
  
  I ask her a lot of open-ended questions, how are you feeling, what kind of choice are you making/was that, what was the bad choice, what can you do to make good choices next time? What can you do to reset?
  
  This morning, what she was doing was bringing me magnetic blocks, saying I needed to make a ladder or a house for a giraffe. Then it broke as she grabbed it. "I'm mad! Roar! I do breathing exercises." then she blew out several times, got off the couch, said something about how the blocks broke and she could make something else (I've reiterated to her that "The best thing about blocks breaking apart is that you get to make something new") and said she felt better and happy.
  
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  Hope this helps! Sometimes it helps to have something physical for them to do when regulating. Or like, having them notice something around the room using their five senses. Oh! And you could have them hold their bellies and breathe in and out and notice how big their bellies get (I talk to her about how lungs work)
  
  

As others have said, she needs to be getting some kind of counseling ASAP, and that will also involve parenting strategies for you guys. Parenting classes would be a great idea too. I know you said money is an issue, but there are free and low-cost resources available. To start with, you might try calling one of these parenting hotlines:

National Parent Helpline: 1-855- 4A PARENT (1-855-427-2736)
24 hour Parent Helpline: 1-888-435-7553
Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

Here's more info about that last hotline, it might be the best place to start: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

You can also check out this site for local resources: http://www.nationalparenthelpline.org/find-support/state-resources

In the meantime, here are a few tips off the top of my head:

• Remember that she's not TRYING to be "bad" or annoy you, even though it may seem like it. She's been through a lot, and has a lot of big confusing scary overwhelming feelings that she doesn't know what to do with. Kids act out as a way to communicate something, often because they have some need that is not being met in that moment - whether that's a basic need like being hungry or tired, or an emotional need for attention, comfort, or reassurance that the adults in her life can keep her safe. More on this idea here. When it seems like she's just being a little jerk, ask yourself, what is she trying to tell me? what does she need from me right now? how does this situation look from her perspective? Try to think "she's having a hard time" rather than "she's being a pain." She deserves every bit of calm and patience you can muster!
  
  
• Of course that doesn't mean inappropriate behavior is okay; in addition to figuring out the root problem, it's important to teach her better ways to express her needs and feelings rather than acting out. An important first step in this is teaching her to identify her emotions - 3 years old is not too young to start. Get some books from the library like The Way I Feel and The Feelings Book. Help her identify her emotions in daily life - "I bet you're feeling disappointed that we can't go to the park since it's raining." or "It looks like you're really angry right now." This also helps her feel validated and understood.
  
  
• The next step is teaching her more productive ways to handle those big feelings. Read some books like Little Monkey Calms Down and Anh's Anger that show good coping skills like taking deep breaths, talking about what's wrong, cuddling a stuffed animal, etc. Model those strategies yourself - "I'm starting to get frustrated right now, so I'm going to take some deep breaths instead of yelling." When she acts out her feelings inappropriately, remind her of some better choices - "I know you're angry right now, but hitting is not okay. Would you like to take some deep breaths like Little Monkey, or go sit with your anger like Anh?" Emphasize that all feelings are okay, but we need to act on them in ways that don't hurt other people. Try to watch for the signs that she's getting upset and head it off before she's in a full-blown meltdown. And of course a 3yo doesn't have the self-control to always make good choices (even when reminded), but by encouraging those options you're laying the foundation for better behavior and emotional regulation as she gets older.
  
  
• Related to the above points - rather than thinking in terms of "punishing" her behavior, think about helping her learn from mistakes so she will make better choices in the future. Hitting her just teaches that hitting is acceptable and whoever is biggest and strongest (you!) can get their way - this is even more confusing and damaging to a kid who's been abused. Instead try to use logical consequences that show her why her actions were a bad idea. For example if you're playing with her and she starts screaming, a logical consequence is that you stop playing and say, "I don't like it when you scream at me, that makes me not want to play with you. When you're ready to talk nicely I'll play with you again."
  
  
• Time-outs can be a way to interrupt bad behavior and get her to stop and think about what she's doing; however there's some research to suggest that they might not be appropriate for some kids who've been abused (definitely better than hitting though!). The goal of a time-out should be to help her calm down, and if she's screaming for an hour it doesn't sound like that's happening. You might try a time-in instead, where you calmly sit with her and discuss what happened. A calm-down jar can be a great tool as well - when she's upset, have her shake it up as hard as she can, get all her anger out, and then she has to sit quietly and watch until all the glitter has settled. When you meet with a counselor they will be able to better advise you about what strategies will work best in your situation. Just remember, your goal is to TEACH her not PUNISH her.
  
  
• Always make it clear that you dislike her BEHAVIOR, not HER. This seems like an obvious distinction - of course you still love her! - but to a young child, especially one who's been abused, punishment can feel like rejection of her as a person.
  
  
• Make sure you notice and praise her GOOD behavior. When a kid is misbehaving a lot, it can start to seem like everything they do is wrong. Constantly remind yourself to look for things she's doing RIGHT - and show her how much you appreciate them. For some ideas you might check out this awesome list of 10 phrases parents should use every day.
  
  
• Structure and routine go a long way toward helping kids feel safe. She's just dealt with a lot of big changes in her life; give her a predictable routine every day as much as possible so she can start to feel more in control again. If she has a security object (blanket or stuffed animal), never take that away as punishment - anything that helps her feel more secure is something you want to encourage.
  
  
• Keep in mind that this kid has been through a lot. If she's been abused, she's learned by example that hitting and yelling are okay; she probably feels like she could be hurt again at any time (it's hard for a 3yo to fully grasp that she's safe now); she probably has a lot of confusion and pain and anger about what's been done to her. Parenting a 3yo isn't easy even in the best of circumstances, but parenting a kid who's dealing with all this is an extra challenge. You need all the support you can get, especially from professionals who are trained to help kids in these situations. Getting her mom some help for what she's been through will be super important as well, both for her own sake and for her daughter.
  
  
• Also remember to cut yourself some slack - you're doing the best you can, and even if every day isn't a good day, try to find something good in every day. Good luck, keep us posted on how things are going!

There is light at the end of this tunnel. Kids learn by modeling. When you yell, that teaches her that yelling is okay. If you can remain calm, it will help her learn to regulate her emotions through watching how you deal with stress. It can be difficult to emotionally detach yourself from the tantrum, but if you can ignore it consistently, that is the best way to stop it in the future.

After the tantrum is over, and after she's calm, you can try to address the issue itself. Ask what she was feeling, then accept those feelings and don't try to downplay them. They are overwhelming for her in some way, so they are important. See if you can discuss what she could do next time she's feeling that way.

We have a calming place for our 3 year old, introduced about a 1.5 years ago. When she's feeling overwhelmed by emotions and is having trouble controlling herself, she can go there to calm down. She grabs a stuffed animal to hug, and we come with her and just hold her hand or reassure her that we're there for her (we say "I got you" which helps her a lot). We do breathing exercises. After six months of introducing the calming place, she barely ever needed it again. I think she uses it about once every other month nowadays.

One thing that helped was the book Little Monkey Calms Down by Michael Dahl. We have the entire series, and they are really engaging for our daughter. This one, in particular, is about how Little Monkey deals with a stressful situation, his emotions, and how to come out of it. That's actually where we got the taking deep breaths thing. When we read it, we try and act out some of the calming mechanisms so that when she is stressed for real she can try and cope, and we talk about how Little Monkey is feeling, why, and what he should do about it.

I know it is really difficult to do this sometimes, but really try to remember that when your child is having a tantrum, she is having difficulties. She is feeling overwhelmed. She feels like she needs something, and she can't control herself or her environment. At 4 she probably isn't trying to be manipulative or hurtful toward you. She really just doesn't know how to handle whatever situation she's in. Soft words, comforting, and understanding is the best way to get through it. Ignoring tantrums is probably how most people do it, but we usually give our daughter hugs and try to help her work her way through her feelings. It works for us. Both ways are fine. The key is to address the cause of the tantrum only after it is over and to never lose your own composure. If you can do those two things, then they are going to 100% stop.