Reddit mentions of Mate: Become the Man Women Want

I know this is a triggering word here, but what you're looking for is "Game".

As a "nice guy", it can be hard to go out and look for information on this because so much of what is written out there on the internet is written with a misogynistic and twisted worldview.

However, it can help to discard the source and take these techniques and theories at their face value.

I can start by recommending some books.

1. The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi. This will set the framework for intergender dynamics.
   
   
2. Mate: Become the Man Women Want by Tucker Max and Geoffrey Miller.
   
   Feel free to PM me if you want. I have coached guys on this from time to time and quite enjoy doing it.

I have a lot of sympathy for you - I have struggled with loneliness and hating not having a girlfriend and a feeling of having missed out in my early 20s. I've had some success though and managed to improve things a lot so I'll give some suggestions.

Women don't want to date you because you don't have characteristics that are attractive to them. From the way you describe it it sounds like you think there is something fundamentally wrong with you. This doesn't make sense - women aren't looking at some label in your soul that says 'fundamentally unattractive' and rejecting you. They're looking at a bundle of characteristics most of which you can improve.

So what can you do?

First, work on your mental health. Mental health influences everything else - how you come across, how motivated you will be to improve your situation, and how happy you will be when you're alone. Go to a therapist (and keep trying therapists if the first one isn't helpful). See a doctor to discuss treatment such as antidepressants. Read 'feeling good' (on depression) and 'when panic attacks' (on anxiety) by David Burns. Keep trying - mental health is a complicated beast and you have to keep experimenting to find what works.

Second, learn to be ok alone. I know this is exactly the opposite of what you want to hear and I ignored this advice for a long time. There are a few problems with not being ok with being alone. First is that you'll be unhappy when you're alone - and it's very possible to actually enjoy yourself a lot. Also, if you're not ok with being alone, women will detect your desperation and find it unattractive. And finally, not being ok with being alone fucks up your relationships when you're in them. I've constantly had problems in relationships with being too anxious and unassertive because I was afraid of losing the relationship. You've got it backwards, you don't need to solve the relationship problem in order to solve the self image problem you have. It is exactly the reverse - solving the self-image problem is the first step to solving the relationship problem.

So how do you do this? Go read the first 4 chapters of Intimate Connections, by David Burns (I'm a bit of a burns fan). There is a pdf here. He is a therapist and psychology researcher, and struggled with women early in his life so he knows what he's talking about. And do what he recommends about spending time alone. I've followed his advice for the last few months as well as getting therapy and my perspective has changed enormously. I've tried doing lots of things alone and really loved it whereas before I thought I never could. I'd still like a girlfriend but it's no longer this all-encompassing desperate need. And this isn't some kind of self deceptive trick where I'm ignoring what I really want, I've genuinely learnt that being alone is okay and I can be happy.

Third, build attractive characteristics. There are a bunch of characteristics that women tend to find attractive such as: fitness, creativity, intelligence, social skills, humour, etc. The great thing about these characteristics is that it's fun to build them and make life better independent of the fact that there are attractive. To learn more about this read the book Mate and listen to the accompanying podcast where they go into a lot of detail on advice. Unlike most dating advice, the advice in the book is by a psychologist and is based on scientific research.

Fourth, be more social and meet women. There's lots of advice on this in the above book and podcast but the basic idea is do things that you enjoy that involve women and get to know them.

A few other tips:

• Avoid PUA, it fucks with your head. At its worst it's advice on manipulation and sexual assault. But even at its best it exacerbates the problem where you think that everything is about getting a girlfriend. And the advice is like a warped version of reality. True enough to sort of help, but false enough that it causes you problems in the long run.
  
• You don't have to do the above steps perfectly in order, although it's worth really focusing on the alone time and mental health for a month or so at first.
  
• The stuff you mention about feeling like it's screwing up your life plan or that you want a better past is totally understandable. I've had exactly the same thoughts. These thoughts aren't reality and are part of your mental health problem. They are the kind of things that you can work on in cognitive behavioural therapy. And fixing them isn't about deluding yourself. I had a aversion to cognitive behavioural therapy for a while because I thought it was about deluding yourself and thinking positively for no reason. That's not what it's about - you're currently deluding yourself with these thoughts, and cognitive behavioural therapy can help you see reality more clearly.
  
• You're talking like getting a girlfriend is the solution to your problems. It's not. If you magically got a relationship now your insecurities and causes of your unhappiness would still be there. And it would cause big problems for the relationship.
  
• Don't assume that there is one linear scale of male attractiveness where at the top are rich, muscular, high status guys and all women would agree on the ranking. In reality different different women want different things. You'll be attractive to a certain type of woman and an unattractive to others. It's all about finding the kind of woman you like that also tends to like you. For example, I do relatively well with educated, intellectual, slightly outdoorsy women. I'd do terrible with the kind of woman that goes clubbing all the time.
  
  Some other books that I've found helpful:
  
  
• Models by Mark Manson. Really helps with what women want and dealing with your psychology.
  
• No More Mr Nice Guy. A lot of us have problems with relationships because we are too 'nice' (while not actually being nice). This book really helps with that.
  
  Good luck! This is a tough, long journey, but one that's incredibly rewarding.

Oh well if you had said yes then I would have told you to better improve yourself and things like that since college is very different than high school, but I completely understand your situation. However, it's still not over. There are still plenty of things that you can do to get girls. First off, just know to be yourself and try to better improve yourself. For example, your social skills. Then try to use some dating apps/websites to find some girls that you're into. There is a book that I have heard is very good if you want to be in a relationship with somebody. Here's the link: https://www.amazon.com/Mate-Become-Man-Women-Want/dp/B01LTHXJVE. Please don't take this as an offensive or anything like that. I'm just trying to help you that's it!