Best interpersonal relations books according to Reddit
Reddit mentions of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
Sentiment score: 18
Reddit mentions: 36
We found 36 Reddit mentions of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. Here are the top ones.
- HarperTorch
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Specs:
| Height | 8 Inches |
| Length | 0.61 Inches |
| Number of items | 1 |
| Release date | October 2007 |
| Weight | 0.45 Pounds |
| Width | 5.31 Inches |
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#19 of 928
The other commenters here have had a lot of great advice, especially about you seeking external validation and being a bit over-devoted and expecting the same. It sounds a lot like you and your wife are not on the same page regarding expectations and the only thing that can fix that is communication. However, with how built-up this is for you, that is going to be very difficult. I'd really recommend you find some therapy for yourself to help arm you with tools to solve this and similar problems now and in the future.
Before you stray from your marriage or end it, you need to do some homework. See if you can get your wife reading the same things. First, read Come As You Are for a more nuanced understanding of the differences in types of sexual response patterns. Then, read Mating in Captivity for long-term relationship sparky sparks.
Thank you for this. I think I need to figure out a way to have a situation somewhat like this.
Right now, he's so frustrated in general about it, he's like, "LET'S BONE! WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO!!??" And when I tell him I don't know, he gets mad, doesn't believe me, makes crazy assumptions like I'm cheating.
All of that definitely doesn't help me get in the mood. And right now, I'm not able to just say, "SEX, let's do it." I don't like it. I know he's upset. But to have sex when I don't feel it, it just doesn't seem right.
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EDIT: Since this is a higher comment, I'll put this here. Thanks everyone for the advice and wonderful words.
I ordered Come as You Are and Mating in Captivity. I'm going to give them a read and not-so-subtly leave the books out so he can see I'm doing something for the cause.
These people need to read this book (fully knowing they never will):
Mating in Captivity
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
And there it is. Change of circumstance. Circumstance plays a huge part in female sexuality. Have you ever heard the classic joke advice about how to get your wife to have more sex with you--Do the laundry, do the dishes. A woman seeing her husband step up to help her out with taking care of the home can put her in a different mindset and get her motor running. Obviously this varies from person to person. A different wife might get stressed out by her husband doing the laundry (he's not folding clothes the right way! etc).
How is she supposed to "try harder?" She's just going to suddenly want sex more by sheer willpower? Nope. You two need to educate yourselves more on sexuality, sex drives, and get to know the circumstances under which you do and do not feel turned on. I recommend Mating In Captivity for both of you and Come As You Are for her.
Recognize that this is a problem and without concrete efforts to educate and reframe the situation, nothing will change. You can't keep doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. But it sounds like you are both willing to try, and that's what is most important.
I love Esther Perel! Her book Mating in Captivity focuses on the same theme. My husband and I listened to the whole book on tape together this summer.
We're also obsessed with her podcast! It's called Where Should We Begin and is just her and a couple in a marriage/couple's counseling session, one couple per episode. It's brilliant and we also devoured them all - my husband likes to vocally root for the couples expressing their feelings like he would root for a sports team. There is one in Season 1 about a couple struggling with fertility issues, called I Can't Give You a Child. Highly recommend all of them!
That's something that I've definitely struggled with on occasion (nearly 10 year relationship). I've found Esther Perel's comments on long term relationships super helpful, and I re-read her book every so often to remind myself. She also has a short TED talk which summarizes some of her thoughts.
http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1407678467&sr=1-1
Hope that helps?
I understand what he's going through. I'm in the process of wedding planning, finding a job, and moving in that order. (Wedding planning is actually keeping me from finding a job ATM. It's frustrating because FH wanted me to be moved up in his city by his birthday. :/) I've mentioned it to my therapist about how I wasn't sure for the following reasons:
Therapist says its totally normal to have cold feet and I believe her. The sex thing can be fixed. (Try this book.) I think the stress of the job and moving impacts sex, and that has major impacts. It's hard to want to rely on the person who you are trying to keep at arm's length because you're not sure if your mind thinks your heart is in the right place. (Your heart is in the right place, your mind is just stressed and thinks it needs to protect your emotions.) In addition, I imagine the stress of wedding planning and all of the things related to it affects anyone's desire to want to have sex with anyone. Wedding brain makes you think labels for your envelopes are way more important than sex!
Have you both done some pre-marital sessions? If you have I would go back and look at some discussion topics that you both were solid on and start there.
I know that in the end the underlying feeling is that I want to marry him. Your fiance says the same so I believe he feels the same.
Same thing happened to me and my girlfriend, although over a longer time period. You'll find a lot of similar stories in /r/deadbedrooms... that's a very common problem.
As for advice, I highly recommend the book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, as well as her TED talk (her second talk is a bit off-topic here), for a start. Basically, if you want to change the situation, you'll need to understand why you bf's libido faded, and then find a way to address the issue(s) you identified. You can also find advice, or
at least support, on /r/deadbedrooms.
However, keep in mind that having a "honeymoon period" in the early days of a relationship that slowly wanes can also mean that your bf's low libido is actually his "normal" libido... which means that there might simply be no "solution".
Submission Statement
Non-monogamy is having a moment. When your needs for food, shelter, and transport are met, what comes next? What makes life most meaningful and pleasurable? For many people, maybe most of us, the answer is sex. But we're mostly bound by neo-Puritan mores around sexuality. "The Sex Machine" interests because it offers another way, and, even 30 years after Thy Neighbor's Wife, the proposition that conventional monogamy is not the way for everyone feels subversive.
We know from looking around us and from Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence that "normal" relationships aren't working for a sizable portion of the population. This article points to another way.
So this reading suggestion is from the sidebar.
And also try Mating in Captivity
Relationships will always have ups and downs, but no, they don't have to go downhill.
Sexual Intelligence by Marty Klein
She Comes First by Ian Kermer
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Come as you are by Emily Nagoski
Mating in Captivity ---> over there in the sidebar.
Read it.
Seriously? What if a woman said the same thing you’re saying
“I need a partner to carry all of my emotional weight”
It’s not fair on anyone, regardless of gender.
Edit: highly suggest mating in captivity which discusses these roles we expect our partners to fill. Also, perhaps some therapy?
The only book on my shelf not yet mentioned is Mating in Captivity. (and of course the joy of sex).
"Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence"
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
"Intimacy and Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship "
https://www.amazon.com/Intimacy-Desire-Awaken-Passion-Relationship/dp/0825305675
from the sidebar of suggested books might be helpful for you both
Check out ‘Mating in Captivity’ by Esther Perel
A couple of ideas--
-- Hang around SO30 and read about sex. Invite your husband to join you, and start by showing him your post. But continue to read here together, point out threads or comments to each other that you find interesting or that spark ideas.
-- "Fake it til you make it" is a real thing. Even if you don't feel sexy at first, go ahead and act like you do. I would bet money (and I don't have any) that your husband's reaction will quickly make you feel really sexy.
And a couple of books that are very popular around here:
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel
Even with considerable effort, you are not likely to regain the spark.
If she was very open and still a decent sex drive, but was basically bored with the relationship, it's possible with things like open relationships and swinging, all of that new relationship energy translates over into the primary relationship, sort of rekindling things. Sometimes just doing more exciting things with a partner can make this happen temporarily.
But this all presupposes that she has any drive at all. It's harsh to accept this. What sucks is that was that if she was with someone else new at the moment, it's more than likely that she would have drive and desire - for a little while. Then it would wane again. It probably isn't you, but more of the familiarity of you. I'm not saying this to be cruel, this is part of the problem I have.
What you are driving at is that some people are not wired to want sex except with what is novel and new. That's part of what monogamy difficult. If, without consequence you could have sex with someone hot and new would you? Of course, that's what we're designed to do. The problem comes into when you are with someone long term. If your partner isn't actively trying to make things interesting, it won't work. And if she has zero drive, well - I don't know how you start from this.
But I would still attack some potential physical problems to try to increase drive. If she isn't working out, she probably should try exercise. If she's on hormonal birth control, get off of it. Have her get a physical to see if there is anything seriously wrong. My wife had Lyme Disease diagnosed recently, which messes with libido, it really could be anything. Eat better, be healthier. These aren't bad things to do for yourself anyway.
I've heard good things about "Mating in Captivity", which seems to be about what you are talking about from a relationship perspective, but I have not gotten a chance to read it yet.
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333998652&sr=8-1
Best of luck.
You didn't mention if your sex drive has always been this low. Was your libido higher before you started taking these medications, what about before moving in together?
As others have said, talk to your doctor. Also, consider reading the book "Mating in Captivity,"by Esther Perel as it may shed some light on things you didn't consider about how sometimes too much togetherness can kill libido, even for those of us who really enjoy cuddling. Here's the Amazon link to it bookey bookey book (Edit: Thank you kind stranger for saving my link from the spam filter!)
I just started reading Mating in Captivity and am digging it so far. Not sure I've cracked the code on keeping romance alive, but the book is giving me some things to think about.
Amazing psychotherapist Esther Perel talks about this at length in her book Mating in Captivity (not an affiliate link). She's brilliant!!
You know, I just started looking into a book called...
Mating in Captivity.
Ironically, learned about this book through this very sub-reddit, after someone else had recommended Married Man Sex Life.
This book talks exactly about the problem with committed relationships and sex drive, and is extremely highly rated. Author seems to know what she's talking about.
tl;dr version is that sex needs a kind of distance (and mystery) to remain "hot," and that this is often at tension with the intimacy people want from relationships.
You're not alone in what you're going through. This is an extremely common problem. But there are answers that don't involve the death of your relationship to him.
I wish you the best of luck.
Be attractive. Don't be unattractive. Work on yourself, and figure out what is different about the person you were when things were working well in the bedroom versus the person you are now.
Are you in the same shape you were 7 years ago? Are you as interesting? Are you as strong, independent, confident then as you are now?
You do understand that the work doesn't stop when you get married and have kids, right? In fact, it's just getting started.
Date her. Every day.
Realize foreplay is something that happens the other 23 1/2 hours a day, not 5 minutes before she drops those pajama bottoms. Do not ever negotiate desire (that "acts of service" and "choreplay" stuff is never, ever going to work).
Don't beg for sex, don't expect it, and don't get butthurt when it doesn't happen, or it will just get worse, because you will make yourself someone she doesn't respect. If you can find the man you were before, she'll find the woman she was, too.
Unlike another commenter, I'd strongly suggest staying as far away from /r/DeadBedrooms as possible, unless you want to feel better about people who are worse off than you. Hanging out in that sub just made things worse for me.
A good starting point for you might be The Man's Guide to Women. and after that I'd suggest the Mindful Attraction Plan and Mating in Captivity.
And throw that Five Love Languages book in the trash.
It's not called the Five Fuck Languages for a very good reason.
Firstly, I actually like how straight-forward you are. IMO, this is the type of talk that gets facts across... but, as evidenced here, some people automatically equate this to being a 'bitch'. Sigh.
Secondly, how lucky he is to have you? I cannot say because he is not here commenting, but, you sound very lucky to have him. You are able to actually tell him things some females would hesitate to tell their significant other (many put up with bad sex for fear of hurting feelings)... It is quite nice. Would be very helpful if you guys do end up going to a seek help from a professional. :)
My main point: Did you ever enjoy sex with your husband, maybe when the both of you started dating, during some "honeymoon phase"? I ask because, if yes, it may be because your husband is too often always there for you. Yes, this is a very good trait to have as a father and a husband, but, not as a lover! Domestic needs often times do not match with sexual ones, so, if not recognized, can lead to situations such as yours (love having him around as a husband because he is like a dependable rock, but it is stifling as there is no sexual excitement because of lack of uncertainty).
If you can relate in any way to my last paragraph, I would recommend Esther Perel's "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence" (Amazon link). There is also a TED talk given by her that touches quickly on topics discussed in her book, here (link). Trust me, her findings are quite eye-opening.
Others are telling you that they feel bad for your husband, and that they are feeling quite negative in general in regards to your relationship with him. However, I think maybe are just questions that haven't been asked - ones that even you (who research everything) may have not thought to look up on. So, have a look at the links I gave you. Maybe you will have a, "Eureka!" moment.
Good luck. :)
I recommend Ester Perel's Mating in Captivity. It discusses the tension between what we want in a mate (stability) and what we want in a lover (novelty, excitement).
Mating in captivity is a great book!
Take a look at Esther Perel's book: Mating in Captivity
I found this book after I got divorced under similar conditions ( no kids though) and I wish we would have read it before trying unsuccessful therapy and sex counseling.
You might want to check out Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel.
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
This book might be useful. http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1450549497&sr=8-1&keywords=mating+in+captivity
You might want to check out this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
The author also gave a TED talk if I remember correctly.
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LL can be a case of Mating in Captivity.
Best thing is to talk to him. If you have trouble doing that, go see a therapist even if he won't come with you.
https://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/0060753641
To address this, I recommend the book Mating in Captivity. It was super helpful for me to help to identify the causes of this kind of thing (too much intimacy, not enough inviduality) and address it.
Watch this.
And if you can, order her book.
I don't buy that there is always a "deeper relationship issue" when people aren't having sex. Sometimes couples have awesome friendships and relationships but the sexual spark is gone.
Most women have reactive sexual response. Which means it doesn't just happen - it requires some coaxing. That is totally normal. It's also totally normal in long term relationships - and even more common among long term couples that live together to lose sexual interest. Research shows it happens for women much more quickly than men (1-3 yrs for women vs 7 or more I believe for men). But it doesn't have to happen. But if you're not aware that it's a problem how exactly can you combat it?
The problem is we all just assume that this is how it's supposed to be and people end up settling. One person typically settles sooner than the other and resentment often builds and in all this subreddits like r/DeadBedrooms are born. But relationships take work. Desire takes work. Maintaining it takes even more work. And it's not like being together longer makes maintenance any easier or less necessary.
You can blame it on stress, physical appearance, drugs (or lack their of) - prescribed or recreational but even when all of those things aren't factors people still have these issues. Of course you need to rule them out. If things like you not wanting to kiss him are an issue than that just comes down to sexual compatibility and no matter how much you love a person - if sex is important to one or both of you no amount of love will make either of you happy/fulfilled.
Certainly stop comparing yourself to your friend. It's not a competition. Instead pick up some books and read about what is likely going on. I just made these suggestions for someone else dealing with something similar....as so many people are......I think it's a great place to start.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence - Esther Perel
Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free - Wednesday Martin
I will say do NOT proceed with the wedding until you get this figured out....divorces aren't easy or cheap.
> Lying is only ok when you are truly protecting someone
That's a cultural value, not an immutable law of nature, as Perel says:
>Perel: In America, lying can never be an act of caring. We find it hard to accept that lying would be protective, this is an unexamined idea. In some countries, not telling, or a certain opaqueness, is an act of respect. Also, maybe the opposite of transparency isn’t intimacy, it’s aggression. People sometimes tell for their own good, as an act of aggression.
The interviewer wrote The End of Men; Perel wrote Mating in Captivity (which is a brilliant book).