Reddit mentions of Polyamory: Roadmaps for the Clueless & Hopeful

First some resources. You should read these.

https://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533

Now for my honest opinion ... I'm not going to be polite... sorry.

You should not even think of proposing anything until you educate your self about open relationships... A lot. You have just proposed to walk face first into all of the worst ideas in open relationships, for exactly the same reasons that everyone who's made those mistakes has done in the past.

>I'll propose some ground rules about who is allowed, how often, when and where.

So by saying allow you are assuming you have authority or ownership. That's not going to work in an open relationship. They are built on mutual informed and enthusiastic consent. You agree to and negotiate boundaries.

>I'll remind her that sex with others should never interfere with our lives.

Its going to whether you want it to or not. I've had to tell one partner that I wasn't particularly in the mood because another partner wore me out. Some jokingly call it the law of hydraulics. But the bottom line is when there are more than two people. There will always be things that turn up, interfere, modify, change, alter and upend what you consider to be your life.

>I'll tell her not to introduce me to any future partners, and I won't introduce her to any of mine.

This is some times part of a don't ask don't tell relationship. They never work. Horrid idea. Some one is going to get jealous, ask the wrong question. "What do they do that I don't?" and its easier to hate some one you've never met particularly when they are fucking your wife. Now I'm intentionally using provocative language here. And if you're getting a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach as you are reading this then you may want to think long and hard about how you are going to process those emotions and what they will or won't do to your relationship which is already in an awkward position.

>Not to fall in love with anyone...

Stop loving your wife RIGHT NOW and I'll believe this is possible. Otherwise you are asking for a world of hurt. Because she will fall in love most likely. And you most likely will too. And if you make this rule and break it then you have to deal with the consequences and fall out of that. Some one is going to feel betrayed.

Let's get the first thing straight: there was no assault, and from your description, he was drunk, she was drunk, he made moves on her, she shot him down, and he stopped. That is not sexual assault. Classifying it as such is a way you can justify your negative feelings towards this guy, but you are doing things a disservice by approaching the issue as such.

Next, I can tell you, as a bi man in an open marriage with a bi woman, poly, open arrangements, and other alternatives to monogamy don't work unless both parties are on board. If that is the case, both need to be educated and dedicated: educated on alternatives to monogamy and how to best institute them in the relationship, and dedicated to open communication, honoring the primary partnership, and respecting their partner/s.

In my past experience, it's very difficult to go from mono to poly or open arrangements. There's usually too much past stuff to get through that ends up projected onto the new relationship, and often times, one partner wants it more than the other. For me personally, as someone wo is not poly but is also nonmonogamous, the best relationships I have had have been when the relationship began as an open arrangement.

If you want to begin looking at poly/open/w/e options start reading and researching. Get a couples counselor. Learn how to communicate in new ways. BUT, I have to say, the way that this has been broached in your life is not the best way to get there. Tell her if she is seriously wanting to be poly, you require these things. After a month of research and meeting with a couples counselor, reconvene on the issue. If it's something you both want, then move forward. If not, time to move on.

Required reading:
http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-1
A great book to get started with, and refer back to.


http://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Our-Relationships-Guidelines-Responsible/dp/1587900157/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242969&sr=8-1
Great little book.


http://www.amazon.com/Pagan-Polyamory-Becoming-Tribe-Hearts/dp/0738707627/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-5
This book is heavy on the woo woo, new age shit, but these people have a lot of good info, if you can separate it from the enya bullshit.

http://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379/ref=sr_1_8?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-8
Basically, the bible of open relationships for newbs.

http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_16?ie=UTF8&qid=1310242671&sr=8-16
Decent

I recommend you start by reading everything at www.morethantwo.org

Then maybe read this http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_fkmr2_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382175373&sr=8-1-fkmr2&keywords=polyamory+a+guide+book+for+the+clueless+and+hopeful

Then find a local poly group in your area, keep in mind a lot of the poly groups are not mixers or cruising sites they are places for people to talk and learn about the community.

Join Ok Cupid. Make a profile. Answer the poly friendly questions in an honest manner. (you may find that you're more or less poly prone than you think.)

Get this plugin It will show you how people answered their poly friendly questions at a glance. (sadly only on chrome browser) https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/okcupid-for-non-mainstrea/cgdblghohnaeeejaoincmbcdkdnodkei?hl=en

From there its up to you and your ability to make a connection with some one. Good luck!

I reccommend you get this NOW. http://www.amazon.com/Polyamory-Roadmaps-Clueless-Anthony-Ravenscroft/dp/1890109533/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1278548426&sr=8-1

They may not mean harm, but there's a lot of stress caused on all sides, and it really helps to have a sanity check, shared vocabulary, and a little bit of validation on paper that says you're not making <whatever is stressing you out> up in your head.