I have no idea how to bring this up to your husband. I can't imagine how to have such a difficult talk, and I don't envy you that at all. But what I can say is that you have intuition for a reason. There's a book called The Gift of Fear that talks about how we intentionally suppress that intuition that someone might be dangerous because we're taught to be polite. The same guy also wrote Protecting the Gift about how to protect your children, which I assume works on the same principles, to trust your intuition because so often we pick up on nonverbal cues that we can't put into words but that still warn us when something isn't right.

Without more information on your general mental state or without seeing your FIL's behaviors, I obviously can't speak to his actual intentions and I can't really advise a course of action. But I want to urge you to trust your intuition. I don't think it's wise to live in fear of everyone, but I do think that if your gut is telling you something so strongly, don't ignore it.

"Stranger danger" is really not a good lesson to teach.

Every parent should read the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker: http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

It's worth every penny but you can probably find it free at your local library.

Agree 100%, he also has a book Protecting the Gift for parents and teens that I recommend as much as the first if you have kids or younger family.

Crossposting

> I was raped

If you want answers from actual rape survivors, you may want to crosspost to /r/RapeCounseling. You might get better-quality answers there.

Starting to trust again

> I ... don't trust anyone.

Back then, you were too young to be able to fight off the abuse. I highly recommend that you (and all Redditors everywhere) read one or more of Gavin de Becker's works. In The Gift of Fear, he writes: "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no."

The thesis of the book is: Your intuition knows more than you about how to keep yourself safe.

The goal of the rest of the book is to teach your intuition some new things.

Your local library probably owns the book. Or you can read an excerpt. The excerpt talks about a rapist, and (indirectly) about trust.

As for you: Since you were abused, read de Becker's book Protecting the Gift first. There's a lot of overlap between the two books, but Protecting the Gift probably talks more about child sexual abuse. It's easy to read, and has 4.7 stars on Amazon.com. Your local library system probably owns the book.

Once you read the book, you might be able to successfully invest more trust in those who are deserving of your trust.

Maybe he abuses her too

> He manipulated me by saying things like ... "if someone finds out I'll kill you"

Just like it may have taken decades for your abuser to learn how to manipulate and control his victims, it may take decades for him to change and overcome his abusiveness. (Source: "Is Change Possible In An Abuser?", an article by Kathryn Robinson.)

And remember: "People who can't let go choose people who can't say no." I suspect he might have chosen a vulnerable new wife, and that he may manipulate and control her — financially, emotionally, and/or sexually. And that he might scare her into not phoning the cops. All behind closed doors.

Signs of potential domestic abuse can include:

• controlling behavior,
  
• an ultra-short engagement period,
  
• isolating the victim from society,
  
• verbal degradation,
  
• sudden anger,
  
• pushing,
  
• shoving,
  
• and bruises and cuts on the victim.
  
  Past abuse is usually a good predictor of future abuse.
  
  It can take a while for an abuser to start to abuse a new partner, but once it starts, it only ever tends to escalate. [Edit: Except during the temporary calm stages.]
  
  (Based on this source.)
  
  A) So far, have you seen any hints that he might have ever abused his wife or anyone other than you?
  
  

  Another question
  

  
  > I hate him. I've never hated anyone more than him and myself.
  
  B) There's a Step which might help you process your anger. Would you like to know more?
  
  

  Bonus link
  

  
  Here's a bonus link, in case you're interested:
  
  "This Is What Domestic Violence Is Like When You're LGBT".

fyi, you can hyperlink on reddit like this:
[has another book](http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009)

So it will look like this:
has another book

> The Gift Of Fear

Looks like he has another book, which is about kids:
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

I know I'm posting two links to the same author in this thread, but I promise they are both worth reading: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

I'm going to give you a reading list. He gives some good tips on what to look for and how to speak up for yourself.

Eg. if a man is walking toward you or insists on helping you carry your grocery bags, the author tells you what to do and how to set your boundaries. A normal man will listen to those boundaries, a predator will keep insisting.

If you notice someone stalking you, you can also ask a security guard or an employee to walk you to your car.

You can also partner up with another woman/mother with kids. safety in numbers.

If it was me I would probably tell him off, but that assertiveness is a skill it can take some time to acquire and feel comfortable using.

​

​

https://www.amazon.ca/Gift-Fear-Survival-Signals-Violence/dp/0440226198

https://www.amazon.ca/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009/ref=pd_bxgy_14_3/134-2609707-8269027?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0440509009&pd_rd_r=e328d520-7aa4-11e9-985f-5d3a71b469ca&pd_rd_w=IbjEI&pd_rd_wg=v5Doq&pf_rd_p=a62e2918-d998-4bbb-8337-35aac776e851&pf_rd_r=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS&psc=1&refRID=2N8KEQ6YVFF8C8ZAH5BS

I heard good things about this book and it’s author (I’m familiar with “The Gift of Fear”): Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane) https://www.amazon.com/dp/0440509009/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_I3kBDbRARZN9K

Might give you some guidance

Gavin de Becker's books The Gift of Fear and Protecting the Gift offer excellent insights on this topic. Despite the book titles, I've found I live with less fear by employing some of the authors tactics.

Yay! That's awesome.

Side note: security expert Gavin de Becker says in one of his books that parents should not train kids to ask police officers for help, because kids can't tell the difference between police officers and mall rent-a-cops, and a kind of startling number of serial killers, rapists, etc. have worked as rent-a-cops (he includes a list in his book). I think it was this book: https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

Also, mall cops usually work for the mall rather than a specific store, so they have the run of the place and could take your kid anywhere. In a mall or store, the kid should ask a cashier, because typically a cashier can't leave that store and may not even be able to leave the cash register without getting in trouble. Also, they often have a PA system right there so they can make an announcement.

De Becker recommends telling kids to ask for help from a woman, not from a man, because statistically speaking women are so much less likely to kidnap and harm children.

Another vote for 9 as definitely being old enough to go to the playground alone. I also grew up with lots of autonomy as a kid and plan on giving my kids the same freedoms. I walked to kindergarten alone and I just can't imagine my kids being any less capable than I was. Kids need to get outside and play without their parents there.

How was your wife's childhood? Was she given freedom and autonomy? I have a few older friends with teenagers who were never allowed out of their parent's sight. The kids are now lovely teens, nice, friendly, happy and fun to talk to, but totally unable to do anything for themselves, from make a sandwich to take the bus. I recommend the book Protecting the Gift. Great advice about how to teach your kids to be safe.

This might not answer your question outright, but this book talks about the subject of teaching/protecting your child from unwanted physical contact/abuse/violence. It's very matter of fact, and it's definitely changed my views on certain parenting choices.

Protecting the Gift was immensely helpful for me.

Best book ever on the subject. Like instead of teaching children when they are lost to look for a policeman (which is uncommon for them to be around) ask a women a mom if they can for help.
https://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

A nanny cam only catches abuse AFTER it happens, and that is assuming you have lots of spare time to sit around watching footage. The truth is, you have to ask a lot of questions to vet someone, and you always need to listen to your gut.

I've found this book to be immensely helpful:
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009#

>it may be safer to tell your kid "don't talk to strangers" than to trust them to judge the safety of each potential interaction appropriately.

It's not. Source: Gavin de Becker.

No, not stereotype, fact. The vast majority of people that harm kids are men.

Source:

I mentioned elsewhere in this thread, but will post here again:

Gavin de Becker's Protecting the Gift.

I think only you know grandma well enough to answer that. If you think she'd be receptive then I would, but if you don't think she'd be receptive then I think you need to be monitoring what goes on at grandma's house too. I would try not to be obvious about it-- at 12 your daughter won't want people checking up on her, and that will just make her want to break free and rebel.

I don't think I would ever put an ultimatum or anything on my daughter not seeing her brother, I would just spend the time working really hard with her on things like-- "trust your gut," "what are situations that are red flags?" "how do you know when you're in over your head?" "how to ask for help and not be embarrassed..." etc... so that it's not specifically about anyone in particular, but they are good life lessons. Always keeping that communication open.

I would also check out "The gift of Fear" (which I recommend to patients all the time). I haven't read the one aimed at kids, but I hear it's good too -- http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009

You're absolutely right. I fight all the time with parents on "stranger danger". Even after citing statistics they can't wrap their head around how most child sexual abuse is usually someone the victim knows.

From wikipedia, "most sexual abuse offenders are acquainted with their victims". Strangers are the offenders in approximately 10% of child sexual abuse cases.

Offenders are more likely to be relatives or acquaintances of their victim than strangers. A 2006–2007 Idaho study of 430 cases found that 82% of juvenile sex offenders were known to the victims (acquaintances 46% or relatives 36%).

For parents who wish to learn what they can do to keep their child safe, I strongly recommend reading Gavin de Becker's book, Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane).

This will both ease your fears and give you something bigger to worry about: Protecting the Gift
http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0440509009

LynzM wrote:

I know I'm posting two links to the same author in this thread, but I promise they are both worth reading: Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane)

Please read "Protecting the Gift" by: Gavin De Becker. http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Gift-Keeping-Children-Teenagers/dp/0440509009
I think all parents should read this book about how to keep children safe. He also has a great book that all women should read called The Gift of Fear.

The book he wrote specifically for parents to teach their children is amazing. It really helped my 6 year old know exactly what to do and whom to go to when she got separated from us at a county fair.

Protecting the Gift is my go-to recommendation here. It is a fantastic book.

Protecting the Gift is also a good read.