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Reddit mentions of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)

Sentiment score: 19
Reddit mentions: 29

We found 29 Reddit mentions of She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner). Here are the top ones.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner)
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Release dateOctober 2009

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Found 29 comments on She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner):

u/deirdresm · 19 pointsr/exmormon
u/jjjjennieeee · 11 pointsr/dating_advice

Reading about dating topics helps me to some extent, since if you're looking for a serious relationship with someone it helps to already have thought about what you're looking for and these books can help you become more self-aware and communicate better. Some books that helped me think through important topics/issues: The Man's Guide to Women, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, The Gaslight Effect, and She Comes First.

u/MLBrute · 9 pointsr/sex

Thank you so much! I [M] was perplexed when I read that she starts with the clit.

I would add that giving She Comes First by Ian Kerner a good thorough scan is highly recommended.

u/TantraGirl · 9 pointsr/sexover30

I think it's a mistake to expect anyone to be able to recreate a particular kind of sex that you had with a former lover. If you're setting expectations for him based on your previous experience, and he simply doesn't fit that same mold, you are creating a recipe for disaster.

He's a different person, so you can't expect him to learn to be that other person, or even learn to have sex like that other person. Instead you need to start exploring much more openly and find a different kind of sex that you two can both love and find satisfying.

I almost made the same mistake. All of my experience with men before meeting my husband was with dominant, aggressive guys. Lots of rough, forceful, high-adrenaline sex. (Also some serious abuse from some of them, but that's another story.)

Anyway, I thought I knew what good sex was like. Then I fell in love with a guy who couldn't have been more different. Honest, thoughtful, caring, and loving. Someone who loved me for who I am, not just the body I inhabit. But he was less athletic, less dominant, MUCH less macho, and much less experienced.

We started as close friends and colleagues, and it took us a year to become a couple. When we did, we had some major compatibility problems in the bedroom, right from the start. Part of that was that I expected a high-intensity, pulse-pounding kind of sex -- which was all I knew -- and he simply wasn't able or willing to do that.

It was clear almost from the start that there was no point in pushing him to be more dominant or aggressive. To him, that would be a violation of his feelings for me and a hard no, for that and many other reasons. And anything I said or did that made him feel like he was being compared unfavorably to my previous BFs simply undercut his confidence in bed and out of it.

If we hadn't explored other options, we would still be stuck where you guys are, in love, committed to each other, but having unsatisfactory sex that constantly undermines the relationship. Instead we are having the best sex of our lives.

The first thing we did was get a massage table (you can buy a good one for around $90 on Amazon) and start doing Sensate Focus Therapy. This is what almost any sex therapist would tell you to do as homework, but you don't need to pay a therapist. You can do it on your own just fine.

SFT is a simple step-by-step process for getting both of you to connect better with your own sense of touch, both as the toucher and the touchee. You really get to know your own body and your partner's body, first in a non-sexual way, and then in a more erotic way.

It really helps change the frame of reference from a very narrow focus on the genitals and PIV to a much broader focus on giving and receiving pleasure. And it works. It's the gold standard for sex therapy for a reason.

Best of all, it's a very gradual, non-threatening way for your guy to learn to open up the time frame before PIV and get to know what gives you pleasure. I think a lot of the resistance guys have to doing foreplay is that they simply don't know women's bodies very well. They have all sorts of wrong ideas in their heads about our anatomy, and believe a lot of things that aren't true.

SFT creates time where he can focus on you, learning about your body, and talking about what different things feel like, without all the performance pressure and urgency that men feel during "sex." Plus, he gets the reward of you learning more about his body and how to please HIM better.

After 3-6 months of SFT, you can easily transition to more advanced forms of sensual massage and tantric sex. We have several really good articles in the SO30 Wiki on technique that will help.

In addition, I strongly recommend Ian Kerner's book, She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman and Shakti Amarantha's online guide to tantric sex. If you love foreplay, you'll be in heaven.

Good luck!

u/Gotta_have_another · 8 pointsr/sex

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000FC1PRK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_tQ.Fzb2THBPKX

Read that. It's very insightful, very well written. I'm not done with it yet and I'm learning from it. I haven't really had any trouble orally pleasing a woman but I saw this book recommended in a thread like this and I thought "why not read it, why not try to learn something and better my game?"

u/SirReality · 7 pointsr/TrollYChromosome

I agree, and good books have been specifically written.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman

u/snipersock · 7 pointsr/sex

It isn't exactly light reading, but there is a really good book out there called "She comes first". Give it a whirl and apply what you learn from it: https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK/

u/paperseverywhere · 6 pointsr/sex

It could be that after you've been down there a while she starts getting self conscious about how long she's taking, and then that self consciousness impacts her arousal. Or it could be that while whatever you are doing isn't bad - maybe it even feels pretty good - she knows it's not going to be enough to get her to orgasm no matter how long you continue.

For techniques, I recommend checking out She Comes First.

u/myexsparamour · 5 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

It does sound like you and your husband may be sexually incompatible, but possibly you're just both just inexperienced and unmotivated to develop the skills to be great lovers to each other. There are lots of books and tutorials that you could both use to make your sex life really mind-blowing and passionate, but you'd both need to be willing to work on it. It (probably) won't get better if you are the only one who's willing.

If you want to go that route, She Comes First (for him) and Passionista (for you) are two books that get good reviews.

If you communicate your concerns, but your husband really isn't on board with working on this, you still might be able to make some progress by being more dominant in bed. You've been very vague and hesitant in expressing what you need up til now, and it sounds like your husband is on the submissive side. He may respond really well to you taking charge, if you can overcome your inhibitions (or not, it's impossible to know until you try). But it's also possible that you and he are sexually incompatible, and that he just doesn't want the rougher, more passionate sex that would be satisfying for you.

u/memtndude · 3 pointsr/sex

It doesn't really matter if he's keen on the idea. As long as he's willing. After reading them he will probably be much better at understanding when you communicate with him and realize how important that is.

Men have a problem with their ego. I was the same way when I was a bit younger. They feel they know how to have sex and by God, they're the best there ever was. Forgetting the fact that everyone is different and if you're going to be in a lengthy relationship you need to learn a lot about their individual needs.

Hope this helps.

https://www.amazon.com/Hot-Sex-How-Tracey-Cox/dp/0552147079

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B000FC1PRK/ref=mp_s_a_1_14?ie=UTF8&qid=1495599482&sr=8-14&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=sex+books

u/Trevie3 · 3 pointsr/sex

Woah woah woah there, Eager McBeaver. Start with oral sex on your partner's genitals, then slowly work a finger into the action (not into their rectum.. yet), casually teasing around the anus, just rubbing.

Next it would be a good idea to move to anilingus, I don't know if you're into that, but it feels awesome and spit is a good lube.

Finally, with a wet lubed finger that has been teasing their anus, just go in up to your first knuckle. Keep it still at first, continuing oral sex the entire time. Just feel around with this single digit, not twisting or sliding in and out, but applying pressure in different directions a bit. After a while go up another knuckle.

If you're performing this on a lady, I recommend this (for oral) and this (for anal) book. After reading and experimenting, you will be the master of oral and anal pleasure. Best of luck.

u/jokka1 · 2 pointsr/sex

our situations are pretty similar im 44, been with wife for 18 years. classic deadbedroom though she has had a ton of health problems the last 10 years and is finally good. we recently went through the same discovery. it was all done by me but it was me that was the problem (other than the health stuff).

i reach a point i realized i didn't like what we had become and i decided to change. I realized that after talking with a close friend who had lost her husband recently.

i learn by reading so

u/chamil03 · 2 pointsr/sex

I think 15/16 is good time to broach the subject, but just be nonjudgemental and they will feel comfortable coming to you when the time is right. If there is a woman in their life who they are comfortable going to for advice that might be easier for them.

I feel like a lot of guys are just ignorant. I've recommended this book to many of my guy friends! http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK. (You can easily find free PDF's)

u/AnonMSme · 2 pointsr/AskMen

Here's the link to Amazon (hope I'm not breaking any rules by posting this).

She Comes First

u/sunnywiltshire · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

This book was the beginning of our DB recovery. It is honestly unbelievable, along with "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. These two books, I'm telling you...! The titles are cheesy as hell, but the content is genius. The first deals with the underlying psychological reasons for DBs, basically a lack of "differentiation" which leads to an unhealthy network of feeling pressure, obligation, withdrawing etc... By moving to the spare room and feeling like yourself again, you have done a huge step towards differentiation. I think the further details in this book might be of great value for you. And the other book is along similar lines, but while the first is more focused on couples altogether, the latter focuses more on men, and it's brilliant. I have learned from both so, so much. Plus, they are well written and entertaining to read. I go back to them regularly to really engrain the message in my mind and break my unhealthy patterns.

​

There's a book I haven't read yet and that is more focused on women, and is mentioned regularly here because apparently it is fantastic, it is called "come as you are". It seems to deal with different female arousal patterns which might be useful to know with regard to a woman with a LL. It seems to be about "how to learn what hinders your arousal and what accelerates it", basically, but I think it is more than that.

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=passionate+marriage&qid=1556824796&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339/ref=sr_1_1?crid=10WF0A3U0ZLES&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1556824853&s=gateway&sprefix=no+more+m%2Caps%2C246&sr=8-1

​

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1B16J31SVFQXN&keywords=come+as+you+are+emily+nagoski&qid=1556824888&s=gateway&sprefix=come+as+you+are%2Caps%2C202&sr=8-1

​

This one is mentioned a lot as well, again focusing on female sexuality:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=she+comes+first&qid=1556824926&s=gateway&sr=8-1

​

Sorry, this comment is massive, lol. :-)

The first book has honestly enduced our DB recovery, that is not said too much. The second - where to begin. It goes even back to unhealthy patterns that one learned from one's parents and then carries into the relationship and such. Very good.

u/ino_y · 2 pointsr/DeadBedrooms

Sooo.. hmm how to be delicate here. Are you guys having good sex? Is she satisfied? Is the foreplay good, is she aroused and eager when you have sex? Is she in pain and powering through to make you come?

Here's a good book

But before all that.. how's your non-sexual affection? Do you hug and kiss each other throughout the day? Do you cuddle on the couch, relax in bed touching each other? Stroke each other's bodies? Would she enjoy a long massage where you don't touch her breasts and groin for 90% of the time, as foreplay, and so you get to know where else she enjoys being touched? Would she do the same to you?

Each time you do touch each other, does she assume you want sex right after?

What has she said a 'good sexual encounter' looks like, from start to finish?

u/IsSikander · 2 pointsr/datingoverthirty

Maybe ask him to read She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. I read this book and it helped me a lot in understanding how to make sex enjoyable not just for you, but for the other person too.

u/MachineGoat · 1 pointr/sex

Get him this and read it together...

https://amzn.com/B000FC1PRK

edit - this is a link to the book She Comes First on Amazon

u/ThisIsYourBrainOnFun · 1 pointr/sex

http://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK
That is the best book I can recommend about female anatomy. I think women should read it, too. Ian Kerner also has one called Passionista about male anatomy which I recommend for everybody.

u/kevlarthebarbarian · 1 pointr/sex

https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK

This book will do things for you that you can't possibly imagine. I promise you right now, it WILL CHANGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP FOR THE BETTER! The knowledge you'll gain from this book is legendary! It goes over the female anatomy in detail then follows it up with some different pleasure routines that will have your girl cumming over and over again while begging you for more. PM ME if you'd like more info.

u/nielsdezeeuw · 1 pointr/sex

I've seen a few discussions pop up in this thread and I'd like to talk about a few of them to maybe clarify some things.


Why do men come more quickly than women?

For me, there are two perspectives that stand out. From an evolutionary perspective men would like to orgasm quickly because if the sex takes too long the risk of attack or the woman walking away would increase. So, men have evolved to orgasm rather quickly. This of course isn't an excuse in this day and age, but it does make it a biological issue.

Another interesting perspective is that when boys watch porn they often need to do this secretly. This means with the volume down, one eye on the door and as quickly as possible. Orgasm is the goal, not the pleasure beforehand.

Woman often take a bit longer before orgasm. Why is this? I don't know about the biological perspective but one perspective that you may have influence over is the way that you pleasure yourself.

How can women reach orgasm more quickly or mure pleasurably?

Women often need a bit more time before orgasm than men. I'm not saying this is because they don't know what they are doing, but I do think some women may benefit from some extra exploration into their own pleasure. The website OMGyes.com talks about a few techniques that women find pleasurable. Techniques are edging, hinting, consistency, surprise, rhythm and multiples. Sex counsellor and psychotherapist Ian Kerner writes about a few techniques as well. His basic rule is to work on the right buildup. Women often loose their orgasm because the guy is not doing the right thing at the right time. Kerner shows you where to be at what time. A cool example I believe is mentioned in his book is this (paraphrased):

  • When a woman is showing the first signs of coming closer to orgasm, but she isn't "there" yet, this is often a critical moment where she may come close to the edge or lose it altogether. One technique that may work is this: the man has not used his fingers yet. He puts his finger at the entrance of the vagina. He does not stick it in, but he lets it lay there. He can stroke the labia a bit, but he does not stick the finger in. Two things can happen. The woman moves her body down to stick the finger in herself or the man eventually really slowly sticks the finger in.

    An important note on the technique described above (like all techniques) is that it's not the best trick to make her come instantly! but rather one technique that you use in combination with a lot of other techniques. By trying different techniques you find out what work for you. I highly recommend to read Kerners book and buy the subscription on the OMGyes website, because they are worth it. They may or may not let you orgasm more quickly, but they will give you a great support in exploring your pleasure.

    Why do men not care about the female orgasm?

    Again, there are a few reasons that come to mind. The first thing to look at is the social influence and sex-ed. I'm Dutch and sex education here is globally considered very good. Still, I don't remember sex-ed about how to get a woman to come. Of course sex-ed is focused on safety (pregnancy, STD's and social safety) and pleasure comes secondary. The only thing that's being said often is that both partners must enjoy themselves. So boys don't know how to give a woman an orgasm. Now they start watching porn. Still no or hardly any female orgasm. So teenage guys don't learn anything about pleasuring a woman.

    With no real idea how to pleasure a woman, getting her to come often becomes a difficult subject for men. They don't really know what to do. To make it even worse, when they try the mood often turns uncomfortable because it takes too long. How often have you said "I don't think it's going to work tonight"? This is fine when it often does work, but for many couples that sentence is the main go-to when he tries. On the other hand, when he doesn't try the mood is great, he gets compliments and she hardly ever complains!

    Lastly, many men have difficulty performing after orgasm. They may not be able to get it up again so PIV sex is out of the question. They are tired, but not just from the physical activity. The hormones involved with his orgasm make him tired. Also he loses his sexual appetite and he may even feel disgust or shame (this has nothing to do with you, it's also a hormonal side effect). So it's often better to have her orgasm before him.

    how do I talk to my guy about this problem?

    You want to have a serious conversation about it outside of the bedroom. Talk about how you feel that you are missing out. Also talk about ways to explore what you like and what you don't like. Don't blame each other, but see it as a hurdle for the both of you. Look for solutions and opportunities instead of problems.

    Lets say he tries to pleasure you orally. Of course you want to orgasm, but also focus on the pleasure he gives you. Complement him ("that feels so good") even if he doesn't give you an orgasm, because you want to keep a positive mood and you want him to know how much you enjoy it! Guide him in what you like or don't like ("yeah, there!", "can you go back to that thing from a minute ago?"). This way he learns on the job.

    Shift focus from orgasm to pleasure and fun. Maybe try to have sex once in a while where you and he don't orgasm. This does not have to be blue-balling or teasing, but it can also mean that you just cuddle nakedly or you have a quicky in the kitchen that you'll finish later in the evening. Make sure that he doesn't get a mixed message that he's doing anything wrong, though. So talk to him and communicate positively!

    Another way to shift focus from orgasm to pleasure is by having sex sessions where you don't have any PIV sex but only oral and/or manual sex. This way you break the standard foreplay>piv>orgasm>sleep routine. This may also be important because for many women oral sex is the preferred technique to get to an orgasm and for many couples oral sex is viewed as foreplay or as a side-dish. When it's the main course, you may have more luck and he will have more time to learn what you like.

    I hope this helps a bit. For any questions feel free to ask.
u/Nightin9ale_Nadaku · 1 pointr/sex

Since you guys like to study. Both of you should read this. And practice, practice, practice! It will blow your mind. I wish I discovered it sooner. Good luck! https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring-ebook/dp/B000FC1PRK

u/Rustedblayds · 1 pointr/japancirclejerk

I want people to see what I'm reading: She comes first!

u/TooMuchJargon · 1 pointr/sex

Was the ejaculation clear? If it was that could just be pre-cum (your body releases it prior to ejaculation to line the urethra).

And when you say that your erection faded completely, do you mean that it faded and you couldn't get another one?

Also, I'm slightly confused by what you mean when you say that you felt your penis filling up with cum. Did you actually feel the cum in the shaft?

In my personal experience I have at times partially ejaculated without orgasming(during masturbation). The more cum I produce during a partial ejaculation, the harder it is for me to get hard afterwards.

As far as satisfying this sexually frustrated friend, If I were to give you one tip, it would be to read this book. Unless you know for a fact that this girl is completely opposed to oral, I would strongly recommend you read this book. It's not too long, and I found it to be one of the most informative, helpful books I have ever read on sex.

Think of cunnilingus as one of many tools you can use to satisfy her. If you learn how to do it properly and pay attention to her responses while you're down there, it can be your most formidable asset. Porn conditions us to think that intercourse is the most important part of sex, and the only way you can satisfy her. But if the female body was designed to orgasm through intercouse, the clitoris wouldn't exist.