#38 in Biographies

Reddit mentions of She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders

Sentiment score: 12
Reddit mentions: 21

We found 21 Reddit mentions of She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders. Here are the top ones.

She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders
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ColorWhite
Height8 Inches
Length5.1 Inches
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Release dateApril 2013
Weight0.6 Pounds
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Found 21 comments on She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders:

u/putmeinthezoo · 17 pointsr/mypartneristrans

Whew! Finally. Kids in bed, not running all over town. I am so sorry that I couldn't really say much earlier.

What is it about our spouses telling us when we're pregnant? It's like the dysphoria really gets to them and suddenly they need to share when we're at our most needy and vulnerable. It seems to keep happening. I swear it's A Thing.

Don't Panic. Are you wearing your towel?

You said you found some of my older posts. Yeah, you're me. Except for the twin thing. But you're also several of my friends, too. I just made a new friend a couple weeks ago that you could have quoted word for word. Another longtime friend (as in, someone I knew before this path started for me) has a spouse in the closet and has no idea what to do with spouse at home, yet it's serious enough that spouse is taking advantage of business trips overseas so he doesn't run into anyone he knows locally while en femme. And of course, I gave you Melissa's tale.

It's been an adventure. But speaking from somewhere near the end of the stressful period, it really hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought from going in.

Right up front, they dump this on us. It may have been swirling around in their brains for weeks, months, years, maybe even decades. But it's totally new to us. And what does it mean? What does it mean for our sexual relationship, our stability, our finances? It definitely takes a while to parse through. So Nemo_87 has it right on. Breathe. This isn't something that's going to happen overnight. You have lots of time to figure things out and to talk and figure out what you both want.

First question to ask yourself: Did you marry your person, or did you marry a gender? It sounds like you married your person. He is worried about hanging onto the relationship, and it sounds like, like us, you married someone that you consider a very close friend as well as a father, breadwinner and romantic partner. Does this change if your person changes gender? It sounds like you're at least on good ground to have a real conversation about the path you're about to embark on.

I'm going to second the suggestion of the Jennifer Boylan books. One is She's Not There, which was written 10 years ago when James Boylan transitioned to Jenny Boylan. It goes right up to after her SRS surgery, and the new version has an additional afterword with an update. The other one literally just came out, like last week. I'm still waiting for it to arrive, but it is Stuck in the Middle With You: Parenting in Three Genders.

I identify so much with Dee Dee Boylan (Grace in the book), and I think you'd find it very helpful.

Remember that this is a very loooooong process. Your spouse isn't going to show up at work one day and say, "oh, by the way, I'm a girl now." More likely, she'll grow her hair out to something gender ambiguous, maybe pierce ears, find some support groups, dress around the house, stuff like that. Sooner or later, she will likely want hormones. That requires doctor visits for the prescription and usually a therapist as well. Once on the hormones, you have to work out the dosage. With a wife and kids and sex drive in the picture, how fast the changes happen will be dependent on what you work out. Boobs get to an A or B cup, but it could take 6 months, maybe a year or two. Erectile dysphoria may or may not be a problem. It doesn't bother some people, and at least in our case, our physical relationship hasn't changed a whole lot. Other people want surgical changes. Without talking, it's hard to know what route your family will take.

As for the kids, you said the oldest isn't even in school yet. They won't know the difference. The oldest one might, a little, but kids are so accepting and loving. They love their person, and know nothing of bigotry and discrimination. Honestly, the kids have been the easiest part.

Family and friends are a mixed bag. We have been overwhelmingly amazed by how supportive the great majority of our extended connections have been. We've had a few that reacted really badly at first - the super conservative religiously and politically friend pretty much freaked at the extended family when he found out, and asked some interesting questions, but after a while, even he came to realize that their relationship and my spouse's happiness was more important than any perceived ick factor that his environment had leached into him over the years. So far, we only have one relative that's been a total jackass about it, but honestly, he could play Archie Bunker without blinking, so we don't really hold his opinion in high regard anyway.

I'd be glad to chat anytime. It's hard, especially at the beginning, to realize that going down this road does not mean your spouse is the next contestant on RuPaul's Drag Race. Real people with trans issues just want to blend in and disappear like every other person, not stand out as a model of Teh Trans, so it's really hard to find support from people that don't have Issues or are early or mid-process.

u/omgwtf_throwaway · 15 pointsr/asktransgender

I posted this a few days ago. Hope it might be helpful for someone else. :)

> I'm a planner and a plotter by nature...so when I wanted to come out to people, I wanted to have this big speech laid out and a massive carpet bomb of information ready for everyone once I told them. I even wanted to tell people at the right time...not around anyone's birthday or holidays or anything, but when the moment was just right. It was just hindering me coming out. So, first tip: RELAX. Some planning is nice, but don't overdo things. You can take notes in, but don't write a letter or an essay. :)

> The good points I'd take from my experience thus far:

> let your family members know you wanna talk to them before you do. It's a thing they need to make 15-20 minutes of time for and not something you may wanna just casually throw in after dinner while watching TV.

>
divide and conquer. Separate out the family members you think will be most comfortable (for me, it was my mother and sister over the phone) and speak with them first in private about it. It's a lot harder to come out to several people than just one.

> when you talk, talk to them about how you've felt first. Tell them it may be an awkward conversation, tell them that you're nervous talking to them, tell them how you've felt uncomfortable or dysphoric or how this has manifested in you. Put the 'I'm trans' near the middle/end.

>
they may ask questions about it. You may not know all the answers just yet. That's fine. Stand firm, it's okay to not know everything or where things will end up.

> give them some time to wrap their head around things and don't push them.

>
If everything goes well...bootstrap. ask the people you've told to help you with the people you haven't. I told my father and brothers, who helped me talk with my aunt, who helped me talk with my grandparents.

Addendum - good resources on trans stuff that I found:

The Praeger handbook of transsexuality. I was so lucky to have a copy in my local library, has some of the few studies/surveys i've seen, covers a lot of ground, trans guys and trans gals. Kinda technical though and a few years old, but I loved it. Learned so much!


Whipping Girl by Julia Serano. I think it really helps you understand society's fascination with trans ladies, but more mtf and activism focused of course.

PFLAG booklet I think it covers the basics okay for friends and family.

WPATH v7 standards of care Lots of fancy documentation about treatment of trans* individuals, expectations of HRT, etc.

I also read She's not there by jennifer finney boylan. i thought it was okay and I think it provides a more personal narrative to the whole thing, especially for me and my family because she's a fellow Mainer. Also mtf focused. Sorry trans guys, hopefully someone else can get you some cool resources. :(

edit: added some links. Also remember that while books are expensive, library cards are usually free and interlibrary loan is the coolest thing ever. :)

u/MaybeAngela · 5 pointsr/MtF

As far as fiction goes, the best I have read is "Nevada" by Imogen Binnie. This is one of those books that I immediately started reading again as soon as I finished it the first time.

https://www.amazon.com/Nevada-Imogen-Binnie/dp/0983242232/ref=sr_1_sc_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466321271&sr=8-1-spell&keywords=Nevada+imogene+binnie

Another work of fiction that is not about the transgender experience but does touch on some themes that you may be able to relate to is "Middlesex" by Jeffery Eugenides. It is really well done and has several interesting story arcs that intersect in really interesting ways with the protagonist.

https://www.amazon.com/Middlesex-Novel-Oprahs-Book-Club/dp/0312427735/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466321681&sr=8-1&keywords=Middlesex

As far as bios go I really liked Janet Mock's "Redefining Realness" and "She Not There" by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

https://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Realness-Path-Womanhood-Identity/dp/1476709130/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466321501&sr=8-1&keywords=redefining+realness

https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466321522&sr=8-1&keywords=She%27s+not+there

Edit: My auto correct want Boylan to be be Moylan.

u/Cautiously_Allie · 4 pointsr/asktransgender

She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders: This would be my highest recommendation. Jennifer Boylan is a great writer, and succinctly articulates what a lifetime of low-level dysphoria is like. This one or something like it, would help greatly with fleshing out your character's personality.

Whipping Girl: Probably needs to be read so that you don't make a tremendous misstep and offend a ton of people. Julia Serrano is an activist. She comes off as a political warrior, which was a bit off-putting for a mostly apolitical person such as myself, but her information is solid and comprehensive.

Warrior Princess, A U.S. Navy Seal's Journey to Coming Out Transgender: I haven't read this one yet, so I can't really say if it's an interesting read but, this one is sure to have some of the qualities that you're searching for. For someone to complete Seal training, and succeed in that extremely masculine environment, while suppressing her female nature seems to be just the kind of insight you need for your story.

Also, you can gain a better understanding by reading up on "dysphoria" here on AskTG. The experiences of the people here are vast and varied, so you may find a better feel for your character by delving into this subject. Does your protagonist just feel as though something is slightly off? Do they feel shame for wanting to be female, because of the lower social station? Does your character experience crippling fits of anxiety and depression, or anger at their plight?

Hope you find what you're looking for. We could use more trans-positive literature to counteract the bile that has been present for far too long.

u/subtleflora · 4 pointsr/mypartneristrans

Books: I'm reading She's Not There and my wife has found _Transgender 101_ to be very useful too.

Videos: I liked How do I know if I'm Transgender? and the series from "The Transition Channel" (like with Are You Transgender?) was quite good too.

Personally I really liked this article: Transition Deconstructed as it showed a positive story coming out of a spouse transitioning. I find that there are so few of those, and would really love more resources showing a positive outcome for families!

I'm really looking for resources about how to transition with young children (toddlers) and books to help them understand what's going on. Definitely not sure of how to go with that other than _I Am Jazz_, which is aimed at children a bit older than toddlers.

What else has helped you? Thanks so much for sharing!

u/similarsituation123 · 3 pointsr/TumblrInAction

Honestly it's not easy. Our marriage has struggled a lot with regards to this. I've had two suicide attempts two years apart, plus I've been on antidepressants longer. I also suffer chronic pain from two back injuries and take 100mg of morphine daily with other meds to deal with it. That has also has an effect on us.

My therapist, who is also transgender, recommended the book "she's not there". Its supposed to be a good book on helping spouses in this situation. I've been too busy to read it. Here's the link.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0385346972/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1479183924&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=she%27s+not+there&dpPl=1&dpID=517fucEmy%2BL&ref=plSrch

u/Pelirrojita · 3 pointsr/asktransgender

I feel as if most of the media you'd be able to find on trans people focuses on this aspect of the story. The novelty of transition is presented in a lot of movies and books, and then when we live "happily ever after" there aren't a lot of stories told. (Unless we die really dramatic deaths by violence or AIDs or cancer or something. Not that it never happens IRL, but Hollywood loves a tearjerking death.)

If you haven't got a lot of time, read the Laura Jane Grace interview. She's amazing.

For a book-length resource, I've heard good things about She's Not There, but I haven't read it myself.

Film-wise, I just watched Becoming Chaz the other day while bored and found it decent. See if you can catch it on the OWN channel if you have a tv subscription that provides it.

And for a multi-part documentary, see if Netflix still has TransGeneration. It's a little old now, but it focuses on young people with many different trans identities.

This should provide you with a good mix of experiences from trans women, trans men, famous people, non-famous people, and people of all ages. All non-fiction, and nobody dies a horrible death at the end. (God willing, ugh.)

u/tulips_onthe_summit · 3 pointsr/mypartneristrans

Jennifer Flynn Boylan has the book: "Stuck in the Middle With You" I didn't read this book because I fall into the 'our children are grown category'. However, I read her other book, "She's Not There" and thought it was fabulous. Maybe give it a shot! :)

u/Sofia_T · 3 pointsr/argentina

Te recomiendo She's not there que la verdad me encantó. Es de una autora que tuvo bastante exito antes de hacer la transición, asi que muestra que no es solamente interesante por el tema sino por la manera de escribir.

A mi la verdad que me encantó porque tiene mucho humor y no es una de esas historias de una marginal que siempre fué totalmente diferente, sino de alguién común y corriente.

Lo unico que te diría es que es un libro que ya tiene unos cuantos añitos, así que algunos terminos ya no se usan y algunas cosas ahora se hacen diferentemente. Pero dentro de todo te lo recomiendo mucho.

u/pro_skub_neutrality · 2 pointsr/actuallesbians

Well, it’s been a hell of a struggle, but as far as them accepting my identity, definitely!

What helped my dad to “get it” was him finally reading She’s Not There. Fun, funny, and insightful; it’s a good book for both trans people and family members (especially for family, actually), and it’s an easy read. I read it in two sittings. I definitely recommend it to everyone, even to those who don’t know any trans people.

u/leaonas · 2 pointsr/asktransgender

Another really good memoir is She's Not There by Jennifer Finney Boylan.

To the OP - when you figure it out, I would love to know. I haven't made the determination that transitioning is my only option. My dysphoria can be really bad at times and hasn't lessened all that much. For me if I do decide to transition it is that I can't take the terrible dispair that I feel 20-30% of the time. For me, it feels like someone pushes their hand through my rib cage and crushes my heart for hours on end.

u/Sourcefour · 2 pointsr/Crossdressing_support

Don’t listen to this person below, like yikes. Have you read any biographies or autobiographies of women who have transitioned? Some of them will have stories that you can relate to and I highly recommend it. They also have written letters to their loved ones and I recommend taking a page from them in how to format the letter and what to say.

Try “She’s not there: A life in two genders” by Jennifer Finney Boylan. She’s an English professor married with two kids before transitioning and her relationship survived with her wife and children. She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders https://www.amazon.com/dp/0385346972/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_UGi8BbB6YG241

I borrowed a lot of inspiration from her letter when I transitioned, and granted I’m not married or have any kid or was even in a relationship at the time.

You also need to see a therapist. You can’t take care of your family without first taking care of you. It’s like the oxygen metaphor for when oxygen masks on a plane deploy. You put yours on first, then help your kids.

When you find a story that resonates with you, have your wife read it too. It sounds like maybe she knows already about your gender crisis, and she’s still here, so she can be a great ally. Don’t push her away.

u/GhostWoodDweller · 2 pointsr/NoStupidQuestions

And I'll be honest with you; I was wary of transgender rights and issues when it was first being talked about. I found I didn't have enough information about trans folk. So...I looked for stories.

May I suggest some books that helped me to understand?

https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972

https://janetmock.com/redefiningrealness/

https://www.amazon.com/Whipping-Girl-Transsexual-Scapegoating-Femininity/dp/1580056229

u/Nessa_Blue · 2 pointsr/asktransgender

I don't think it ever gets any better. Twenty years ago I was where you are now. I chose to repress, deny, and cope. And now I realize the huge cost of my choice. It has negatively affected every aspect of my life and my families lives.

Either path you take will be with fraught with pain, frustration, sadness, and uncertainty. But one path might also bring you and your family peace and happiness, too.

A book I recommend: She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders
https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972

u/SupportSocks · 1 pointr/asktransgender

Are you familiar with Jennifer Finney Boylan? She was an English Professor when she transitioned. She has written a memoir about her experience (https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972)
The market for English profs. isn't great, but it is absolutely a realistic goal. Just because something isn't easy doesn't mean that it is impossible or unrealistic! Don't let anyone dissuade you from following your dream career.

u/iama_username_ama · 1 pointr/asktransgender

No problem, one last piece of advice. Go buy this book: http://www.amazon.com/books/dp/0385346972

I consider it a must read for adult trans people in relationships. Its just one story, but its a worth reading. Also she is long time, successful comic writer, so you will have trouble putting it down.

u/vibratoryblurriness · 1 pointr/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

Literally my parents irl, at least at first. At least they're trying and have gotten better over time. My mom actually read She's Not There of her own volition and really liked it and thought it was helpful, so we're making progress.

u/RenegadeSongbird · 1 pointr/Teachers

If there is such a thing as evil, it wants nothing more than to have us believe that feeling joy is wrong. ~ Andrew W.K.

We we are at birth is less important to us than who we will become. We are expected -- indeed, obligated -- not just to be, but to become. This, in a nutshell, is the American dream. ~ Richard Russo in the Afterward for She's Not There

But we were born of risen apes, not fallen angels, and the apes were armed killers besides. And so what shall we wonder at? Our murders and massacres and missiles, and our irreconcilable regiments. Or our treaties whatever they may be worth; our symphonies however seldom they may be played; our peaceful acres, however frequently they may be converted into battlefields; our dreams however rarely they may be accomplished. The miracle of man is not how far he has sunk but how magnificently he has risen. We are known among the stars by our poems, not our corpses. ~Robert Ardrey

I'm a collector myself and have a whole book of them. These are just a few favs that I printed and laminated for my own room.

u/SobriKate · 1 pointr/asktransgender

Sure, susans.org is a huge forum with allies and partners and trans people of all stripes.

This website is part of the Silvia Rivera project who is a rather well known leader in the community, since Stonewall, who died of cancer.
https://srlp.org/resources/trans-101/

There’s tons of trans vloggers you can go to. Most but not all have a 101 video, and/or talk about their experiences being trans. Here’s a list:
https://blog.feedspot.com/transgender_youtube_channels/

There’s a number of authors you may look into as well, here’s some books:
https://www.amazon.com/Whipping-Girl-Transsexual-Scapegoating-Femininity/dp/1580056229
https://www.amazon.com/Redefining-Realness-Path-Womanhood-Identity/dp/1476709130/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543615079&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=janet+mock&dpPl=1&dpID=5179e6QMxzL&ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.com/Surpassing-Certainty-What-Twenties-Taught/dp/1501145797/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1543615079&sr=8-2&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&keywords=janet+mock&dpPl=1&dpID=511ZZslW8TL&ref=plSrch
https://www.amazon.com/Transgender-History-second-Todays-Revolution/dp/158005689X/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_3?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=158005689X&pd_rd_r=0ddc8e87-f4eb-11e8-8ad5-2179f688e965&pd_rd_w=dZYLz&pd_rd_wg=l40fZ&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=926ebe02-3236-40c6-ac63-01ad178f498a&pf_rd_r=7XK0K0TEGTZS8SNQ9YMP&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=7XK0K0TEGTZS8SNQ9YMP
https://www.amazon.com/Trans-Bodies-Selves-Transgender-Community/dp/0199325359/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_of_15?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0199325359&pd_rd_r=0ddc8e87-f4eb-11e8-8ad5-2179f688e965&pd_rd_w=mqDub&pd_rd_wg=l40fZ&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=57b46099-d750-4d74-83ee-63ad64b310a4&pf_rd_r=7XK0K0TEGTZS8SNQ9YMP&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=7T7APJ7MA85RWVJHJW5T
https://www.amazon.com/Shes-Not-There-Life-Genders/dp/0385346972/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_of_17?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=0385346972&pd_rd_r=0ddc8e87-f4eb-11e8-8ad5-2179f688e965&pd_rd_w=mqDub&pd_rd_wg=l40fZ&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=57b46099-d750-4d74-83ee-63ad64b310a4&pf_rd_r=7XK0K0TEGTZS8SNQ9YMP&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=BNNAHM1QDG52M4D25XX2
https://www.amazon.com/Gender-Outlaw-Men-Women-Rest/dp/1101973242/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_of_20?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=1101973242&pd_rd_r=0ddc8e87-f4eb-11e8-8ad5-2179f688e965&pd_rd_w=mqDub&pd_rd_wg=l40fZ&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_p=57b46099-d750-4d74-83ee-63ad64b310a4&pf_rd_r=7XK0K0TEGTZS8SNQ9YMP&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pf_rd_t=40701&psc=1&refRID=WC57YE4ZTSS8XPR20CRY

u/-Jess_Me- · 1 pointr/TransLater

Sure. Here's the link on Amazon.

u/Jessinchi · 1 pointr/TransSupport

I recommend reading this book. It's encouraged me to start facing who I am sooner rather than later. I'm 29 now and I have a long way to go, but start soon. I haven't started therapy or anything, yet, but I am going to. You should too.